Original subtitles

Adult mark (v.O.): At heart, I was a man of leisure .

And nothing said leisure like a long weekend.

-Bit late in the day to be lazing about

In pyjamas, isn't it?

-It's a long weekend. I have zero commitments.

I'm on "me time."

-Well, wind your watch 'cause you missed breakfast.

-How 'bout an early lunch, then?

-[sighs]

-Do you want it cut thick or thin?

-I'm on vacation. Let's go with thick.

Pop: Look at lazarus, risen from the dead.

Oh... Ooh!

Is that, uh, early lunch?

-Thick or thin?

-Thin. I had a late breakfast.

Good news, everyone!

My moose license finally got here!

-Sure, they took away your driver's license.

-Yes, well, uh, listen, I'd like to invite you

To go "shares" with me.

-Oh, no...

I am not taking you moose hunting!

I got a life.

What did a moose ever do to you?

-Oh, hypocrite!

How do you think that bologna got on your plate?

-I don't think you can get a bologna license, pop.

[front door opens]

Pop: [grumbles] don't be so cocky.

-Jeez, mary, bit late in the day

To be having breakfast, isn't it?

-Rabbits! -Yeah!

-I haven't had a feed of rabbits since I was a girl!

-Oh, yes, well, if he kills it, of course it's fine.

-Hey, mark, you should come check my snares

With me sometime.

-Yes, you two need to spend more time together!

-No offence...

I-I prefer my bunnies in cartoons.

-Ah, right.

-Sweet jesus, there's still fur on those things!

-Oh, you still remember how to skin 'em?

-Just like you taught me!

Adult mark (v.O.): Elmer fudd had nothing on mom.

-I think I'll wait for the sandwich.

-You better get used to stuff like this

If you plan on huntin' a moose!

Poppy bell: Wha?

You got your moose licence, do ya, pat?

-As a matter of fact, I did, yeah.

Er, area 32.

-Oh, that's up the cape shore.

More than an hour and a half away.

-Say, you're the big hunter, huh?

Why don't you shoot the moose

And I'll let you keep the arse-end on down?

-I'll take ya, but I needs more than an arse.

Half-shares.

-Why don't we take young mark with us, yeah?

-Me?

No, the- the only thing I hunt for are bargains!

-Oh, I don't know about that, pop.

-Come on, mary.

You were just sayin' we should spend more time together.

Boys' trip!

-Alright.

It is a long weekend, after all.

-Child endangerment laws clearly state-

-That you're goin.'

-Let me give ya a hand with them rabbits.

-Aw, thanks, dad.

-May I speak to you in the other room?

Poppy bell: Nice [inaudible], aren't they?

Mary: They're lovely. I could make a pie!

-[in a whisper] what the hell was that?

-I'm not going into those woods with him alone!

He's got a gun! Are you nuts?

You're my insurance policy.

Listen...

I'm going into the office till he's gone.

I've had enough bologna for one day.

Adult mark (v.O.): I had to become a man

So pop could stay a coward!

But did I have what it takes?

[rock music playing]

Mike jr: That was the beastie boys with "hey ladies,"

On the new magic 97, digital stereo.

Less talk, more music.

I am your magic morning man, mike campbell.

And now, a word from our sponsors...

-Friggin' fm radio.

It'll never catch on here, if ye asks me.

-Ah, times change, dick.

We gotta change along with them.

-Friggin' compact discs!

What's wrong with vinyl?

Lasers instead 'a needles.

Liable to burn the fingers right off yerself.

-Oh, turn it back up again, will ya?

He's about to do the news.

That's one thing that'll never change.

Mike jr: And here's your magic 97 reality check.

-"reality check"...? -[rock music playing]

Mike jr: So, get this, president george bush

Is meeting with prime minister brian mulroney today

In ottawa to discuss... What?

Acid rain.

Raining acid, well...

Now, that sounds like a party!

Sound effect: Ahh-wooga!

Mike jr: This has been your reality check.

Here's today's top hits on the new magic 97!

-The arse is out of 'er.

Suzanne: Just give me a second, okay?

Fox: What's so important? I got work.

-Who're we waiting on?

-I don't got time for this. It's me bath night, b'y!

[knock at door]

Suzanne: Okay, there he is! Just give me a second, please!

Man: Hey.

Suzanne: Hi! Come in!

Man: Thank you. Suzanne: Just come on in here.

Man: I'm so sorry. My open house went over, but...

I got an offer!

Suzanne: Oh, great! Man: Yeah!

[loud smooch]

-What the frig?

-Get your lips off me mudder!

-Kids, it's okay.

This is paul, and, uh...

He's my boyfriend.

[engine idling outside]

-[pager beeping] -paul: Ooh!

Oh, I gotta get this. It's the buyers.

But, uh, don't worry kids.

I'm gonna be right back!

'cause I just...

I can't wait to get to know you rug rats

A little bit better, okay?

[gasps]

Where's the phone?

Suzanne: Uh, just out in the kitchen there.

It's good, yeah.

-We already got a dad.

-Well, what about me? I got nobody!

-You got us.

-He's really nice to me.

He's so good.

And he's successful, and he's...

-A dick?

-[sighs] well...

Can't ye be happy for me just once?

-How long ya figure before we're all shipped off to dad's?

[buddy wasisname and the other fellers playing]

? it's the 24th of may and we likes to get away... ?

Adult mark (v.O.): I was stuck between them

Like a united nations peacekeeper.

-So, pat, when's the last time you shot at something?

Gallipoli? [chuckles]

[pop groans]

-The only thing pop killed lately was the mood.

[poppy bell laughs]

-It's just a bit of outdoorsman humour!

Poppy bell: You're gonna love this, mark.

Knock the stink of the house off ya.

Hunting's the best sport there is.

Pop: Hah.

Not much of a sport, is it?

When only one side knows they're playing.

Ah, you don't hunt to kill.

You only hunt to live.

-Lighten up.

After this weekend, mark, b'y,

You're gonna be a man.

[dreamlike sound of animals snarling]

Adult mark (v.O.): I was a sportsman now!

-[english accent] huzzah!

And so, gentlemen,

There I was, being chased by a tiger

That was being chased by a lion

That was being chased by a grizzly bear.

I soon found myself at the edge of a canyon, trapped!

-[english accent] what did you do, dear boy?

-I cocked my rifle, steadied myself,

Waited until I saw the whites of the beast's eyes,

And...

-[gunshot] -bully!

I shot a shot as true as my word.

It went straight through the tiger,

Through the lionhearted lion's lion heart,

And soon found its home in the heart

Of the grizzly bear.

A hat trick!

-Oh! Well, a brandy toast.

To mark critch, the greatest hunter since hemingway!

-Here, here!

Pop: Chin, chin, dear boy.

[horn honks]

[poppy bell laughing]

Buddy & fellers: ? it's the 24th of may

And we likes to get away ?

? up in the woods or going out the bay ?

? there's all kinds of places but the place we likes to get ?

? is up on the highway... ? -jeez, look at this, now!

?

Adult mark (v.O.): Would I be the hunter or the hunted?

Oose, b'ys! ?

?

? oh, first to get the moose licence ?

? you apply for six whole years... ?

[poppy bell snoring]

Adult mark (v.O.): The jungle sounds were too loud to sleep .

Not to mention poppy bell's snoring.

-Pop?

You up?

-Do I have a choice?

-Tell me the truth.

Did you ever shoot anything before?

-No.

But don't tell buffalo bill over there.

-Your secret is safe with me.

Why'd you want to get a moose licence, then?

-Kill a moose, fill the freezer for a year.

I just...

I just wanted to provide, that's all.

To...

To be... "the man."

[sighs]

-I'd rather have just gone on a diet.

-I'm glad you came, though.

-? got to get me moose, b'ys! ?

? like to go moose hunting, hunting in the fall... ?

-If we take that guy with us,

The moose will likely kill itself.

-Do you think you have what it takes?

To kill?

I don't think I do.

-Well...

Why don't we let sleeping beauty over there...

[poppy bell snoring]

Pop: Let him do the dirty work

So we'll never have to find out.

Buddy: ? I allow it's not hard to get a whiff of we ?

? after five or six days out! ?

-Shut your bloody cake hole!

-What...?

What...?

Hmm... [groans]

[bottles clinking outside, footsteps receding]

Mike sr: [radio] the jaws of life were called

To the scene of a two-car smash-up this morning.

A student driver swerved into the outbound lane,

Sending one person to hospital.

[switches radio station]

Mike jr: [radio] a student driver smacked head-on

Into another car this morning.

Sound effect: [car crash]

-So I guess that's what you'd call a "crash course."

[chuckles]

This has been your magic 97 reality check.

-Hmm.

Sin for me. [sighs]

-Is that funny to you?

-[chuckles] come on, dad, it was just an accident.

No one got hurt.

-How do you know that?

-They got the driver out.

-But you didn't report that part.

-Yeah, I can't go on and on about it.

I gotta get back to the music.

You know, I've been listening to some of these dj's

In the states. Shock jocks.

They're friggin' hilarious.

-Well, you got me shocked.

-Well, it's my show, dad. Okay?

And I wanna do something new.

Mike sr: Hey, dick? Dick: Hmm?

-Was my news report boring?

-I dunno. Missed it.

I was listening to young mike.

-[sighs]

?

[door closes]

[upbeat 80's music]

Adult mark (v.O.): The it store.

Edible underwear.

Prank gifts.

Lava lamps.

The edgiest store in the mall.

And the edgiest girl worked there.

Ritche: I'd like a refund on this fake vomit.

-What's wrong with it?

-It looks fake.

-That's 'cause it is.

-It's not gross enough.

-So? Stick your finger down your throat, then.

-Look, I want my money back.

I have the receipt.

-[sighs]

-[cash register dings and opens]

?

-Tell me,

What do you have in the way of a whoopee cushion?

-Frig off. I'm going on break.

I'm only working here to help my mom out.

This isn't my career.

-Things still tough since your dad left?

-This is my job, you know?

It's not a place for you to hang out.

-Wow.

-No, okay, wait, wait, wait.

[sighs]

Um, I'm sorry, okay? It's just...

It's hard to talk about sometimes.

-I get it.

Want a custard cone?

My treat.

I'll use my vomit money.

-Yeah, come on.

-That's it.

Remember, now, she'll have a kick.

Squeeze.. Gentle like...

[gunshot]

-There you go.

That's the hard part.

Pop: Hey, easy!

You're gonna give me a heart attack!

Adult mark (v.O.): First day camping

And I was already packing heat.

-I mean, that shook me up.

Where's the toilet?

-Uh, you're standing in it.

-Hmm.

[approaching car honks]

Poppy bell: You done good.

How'd that feel? Did ya like it?

[car honks again]

-I dunno.

I felt powerful, but...

Scared.

-Good.

It's not a toy.

You got to feel the weight of it,

In more ways than one, eh?

Ah! You see that?

That means he got his first kill.

That'll be you soon enough.

Adult mark (v.O.): Shooting a gun was one thing.

But killing something?

That was something else entirely.

-That's all there is to it.

-A space like this won't last long!

Fox: Wait...

Client: I'll need to think about it.

Paul: Sure, think all you want.

But remember, this listing goes up tomorrow

And we're givin' you first crack.

Tori: Take your time.

Paul: Oh! And don't forget.

We're the spouses with houses, paul and tori royle.

We're giving you the "royle" treatment.

Client: Okay.

-You're too pushy.

We lost her.

-Listen...

Are you sure about this?

I mean, just think about all we'll be throwing away.

The signage alone is gonna cost a fortune to re-brand.

-Still too pushy.

[mysterious music]

-Slimy frigger!

-The st. John's fire department was quick

To put out the blaze at the chicken abattoir.

The fire is described as...

Delicious.

Sound effect: [chicken clucking and burp]

[phone ringing]

-Better listening, vocm. Mike critch speaking.

-Mike, it's gary.

I got an update on that car crash.

The student driver passed away.

Sin.

Wasn't her fault.

The fella in the other car was loaded.

Gertie: Mike, I just got a complaint on the switchboard.

-[sighs] not right now, gertie.

I need to talk to mike about something.

-That's who it's about.

It's bad, mike.

-[making moose call]

-Shh! Quiet!

You'll scare the moose!

Mooses? Meese.

-It's a moose call, pop.

-Well, if you ask me, the best way to sneak up

Is to shut up.

-[loud squish] -oh, crap! Oh...

-What is it, pop?

-No! Crap!

Actual crap!

Oh...

-Those are moose droppings.

-Precisely.

Yeah! That's why I stood in them.

Because I want to cover myself with animal scent

So I can get close to 'em.

Aah. [chuckles]

Yes, judging by the spray,

I would say our bullwinkle went...

Left!

Hey, hey!

-No offence, pop.

Poppy bell knows more!

-But I know better!

-It's this way!

[twigs breaking, leaves rustling]

-I found the poo, so I say it's this way.

I mean, you wouldn't know your arse

From a hole in the ground.

Oh, whoa, whoa! Okay, come on!

It's just woodsy banter, hey!

-Shhh! -What? What?

[moose snorting]

-[quietly] get out the way, pat! Slowly!

Pop: Aah! Oh!

[gunshot]

-Dammit!

Made me miss!

Adult mark (v.O.): If you're wrong as much as pop was ,

Eventually you have to be right.

Eadphones]

[music switches off]

-How do I look?

-Pretty.

-Thank you!

Okay, now...

What do you think?

Pink?

Or I also have... Red.

-Don't matter, do it?

-It do matter!

Paul is taking me for indian food!

Oh, he's so...

Cosmopolitan!

-Yeah, um...

About him...

-Mm-hm?

-I seen him at the mall today.

-Oh, you did?

Did you say hi?

-No.

No, well, he was, uh...

He was with someone.

Working.

-Oh, god, it's so nice to be with somebody

Who works so hard, you know?

Your father couldn't hold down a job, but...

I'm sorry.

I know, I promised I wouldn't talk bad

About your father no more.

But paul is...

[knock at front door]

-Oh, god! Oh, that's him now.

Can you go get the door? I don't want him to see me

Without my face. -But mom, I-I don't-

-He's good to me! Don't you want me to be happy?

-Yeah.

Yeah, of course.

Okay.

-[knock at front door] -thank you, baby.

[front door closes]

-Come right in, I guess.

-Heh.

Nobody answered, so...

-Yeah, it usually means "stay out."

-You're, um...

Jessica, right?

-Jennifer.

-Dah!

Close!

?

Well, I guess just tell your mom

I'll be waiting in the car.

-Does your wife know that you're here?

-What?

-I seen ya in the mall today.

"we're the spouses with houses"?

[scoffs] it's cute.

-We're getting divorced.

-Smart lady.

-It's how we're marketed. It's just business.

-Right.

Yeah, business.

-Yeah, like, you should mind your own business.

-Ahh, thank you, my love!

Hi, babe!

[giggles playfully]

Watch your brother for me, now, okay?

-Don't wait up.

-[suzanne giggles] -mom?

-Yes, my love?

-The red's nice.

-Thank you.

[front door opens]

Paul: Sweet kid!

Suzanne: Isn't she?

Paul: Yeah, nice to talk to.

Suzanne: I know. She's so friendly!

She has so many friends at school...

-[sighs]

? get up, get up, get up and get down ?

? get up, get up, get up and get down... ?

-Oh, jeez...

-[switches radio station] -[vocm jingle playing]

-Oh, great job today, honey. The news was really great!

-Mike! -[stomping loudly]

Get up here, now!

-Sweet jesus! What is going on?

-I need to talk to your son.

- My son?

Why is this a virgin birth all of a sudden?

You got the wrong mary!

Mike jr: Dad? What's up?

-We need to talk about the way you deliver the news.

-Okay, I don't wanna hear it.

-Well, you're gonna hear it!

-Oh, that's enough now!

-It was a joke, okay? I was having a bit of fun!

-Fun?

You know that car crash?

The girl they took to hospital?

-Yeah.

-Well, she died.

Mary: Oh!

-She was the same age as you.

Her mother called the station.

She didn't think it was much of a joke.

-Oh, I...

I swear I had no idea.

-Oh, mike.

?

Adult mark (v.O.): I longed for the sweet, ignorant bliss

Of the grocery store freezer aisle!

[moose snorts]

[gun cocks]

[dramatic music]

-This is it.

Just like I showed you, now.

[moose snorts]

?

Adult mark (v.O.): It was majestic.

I could hear the sound of its breath.

I could have heard its heartbeat

If my own hadn't been so loud.

-Take it! Take it!

Adult mark (v.O.): It was the most beautiful thing

I'd ever seen.

Poppy bell: What the hell are ya doin'?

[gunshot]

-Dammit!

-It's okay.

-[murmuring nervously] -you did good.

You did real good.

[poignant music]

Adult mark (v.O.): Doing something scary

Doesn't make you grown up.

Sometimes doing nothing for the right reason...

Is the bravest thing you can do.

[sound of kissing]

Adult mark (v.O.): But the hardest thing to say

Is usually the right thing.

-Hi... Is this mrs. Cowan?

My name is mike campbell.

I believe I owe you an apology.

Pop: No animals were harmed in the making of this sandwich.

[chuckles] here.

-It's not funny. I'm embarrassed.

-Well, I'm proud of you.

You know, what makes you more of a man?

Doing something that you don't want to do

Because somebody else tells you to do it?

Or standing up for what you believe in?

-I think I woulda shot it if you hadn't stopped me.

-Yeah. [chuckles] that's why I stopped you!

-I thought you wanted the free meat.

-Not at that price.

?

-Night, pop.

-Night.

?

?

Adult mark (v.O.): Sometimes you're in such a rush

To grow up that you might not even notice

That you already have.

?

?

?

?

?

?

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