Original subtitles

(CHUCKLES) The baby really goes with the garden.

And the mug.

- It all sort of bangs together. - (CHUCKLES)

How are you?

- Apart from the... - Yeah. Thanks for being understanding.

Well, it takes two to tango.

And I've always hated condoms.

And there's the proof.

Seems like a happy kid.

How's life?

Are you seeing anyone?

Not really.

Er, I went for a drink with someone who seems great.

Maybe that's a thing.

But I did sort of, er, fall for someone

but she's getting married.

Evie's getting married?

Are you going to say something?

Going to sort of let things drift and hope they sort themselves out?

That is my kind of strategy.

I know.

Are you sure you want to wear that shirt?

- What's wrong with it? - Just looks a bit... Canadian.

Well, you know, if I'm called on to fell a tree

I want to be ready.

I just want my brother to stop worrying about me.

You're evidence that I can be with someone nice and normal

who I can have a serious relationship with.

Just be amazing tonight, okay?

Well, that's quite a bit of pressure

because I have to be nice and normal and serious and amazing.

You're... And you're basically saying I have to be dazzling,

and now I'm using words like "dazzling",

which is just incredibly camp and...

I just didn't realise that this dinner was that big a deal.

If you manage not to incite racial hatred

you'll be doing better than my last ex.

Okay, yeah.

Just looking for that special ball. It's out there. Somewhere.

I feel your pain.

Yeah.

Can I buy you ladies some drinks?

No, thanks.

But I appreciate the offer,

and your ongoing friendship. As I'm sure your workmates do, too.

Mandy? Naomi?

Diana?

Nothing from you, Luke.

Can I buy you a drink, Mandy?

Pint, please, Naomi.

- No, no. I'll er, I'll get them. - Yeah. I, I don't think so.

Luke, this is weird, me coming out to your office party.

You temped with us once, you count.

How is the investigation going?

Well, I can tell you that they all dislike you.

Yeah, I know that. But why?

Every girl in the company is freezing me out, man.

I don't remember the last time one of these Fraüleins let me buy them a drink.

The last time was the, er, 21st of November in the King's Arms.

Er, you bought Mandy a Tequila Sunrise,

and then Naomi, er, told her to give it back to you.

Okay, Samuels, that whole memory trick thing is not an endearing habit.

It's not a habit, it's an ability.

- Let's just agree, you shouldn't do it. - Yeah.

I've got to go, get to my job.

Hey, hey, hey. You've still got an hour. Please?

I need you.

You're proof that some women still talk to me.

You could practise with me, Evie.

Practise what?

Being a woman talking to a man.

I think I've got that covered.

It doesn't make any sense.

One minute I was their big cuddly Lukey-bear.

They were giving me sweet tea and biscuits.

And the next... It's that Diana.

She's turned them against me.

It's like a corporate Che Guevara.

(SCOFFS) I'll get the girls some drinks, I'll do some digging.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a good idea. Tell them the drinks came from me.

I don't think so. I want them to like me.

So do I!

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Dyl, Gareth. Gareth, Dylan.

Wilkommen!

Bienvenido! Bienvenito! Bienvenue!

I'm saying "welcome" in many different languages.

No, sure, I got that.

You can probably stop it though now, Dylan.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Oh, thanks.

Oh, shall I?

Thank you.

Oh, I'll just move some of mine.

Wow. You have a lot of coats here.

- Shall we get Gareth a drink? - Yeah. Let's absolutely do that.

Did you just touch my arse?

- Er, yeah. Yes. - Why?

Um...

Er, well, my, my,

my hand just,

er, went, went there.

What's happened to us? Work used to be fun.

You know, with good people, occasional nudity.

You had some very good days.

And those nights.

Those crazy fucking nights!

(CHUCKLING)

The last time we came bowling

he did this whole big speech

about how the 10 pins are arranged to look like a woman's muff

and the point of the game was to swing big balls at it,

- aiming for the middle. - Which is where the vagina is.

- At the bottom of the triangle. - I know where it is.

He talked about it for about 10 minutes.

I mean, it was funny at the time.

Yeah, because I mean, he's not nasty, is he?

I mean, he's just Luke. I mean, he used to be funny.

- But after what he did with Diana... - You're not meant to say.

- What did he do? - Can't say.

It's a mega-secret. Only us girls know.

Tits right here. I qualify.

Come on, what did he do to Diana?

"With" Diana. No, more like "on" Diana.

- "In" Diana? - I'm guessing he slept with Diana.

- That would have been acceptable. - Yeah, we've all done that with Luke.

- More or less. - I haven't done much with him.

Yeah, I said more or less. You're "less".

Still too much, though.

Now we know what we know.

- Can I know what you know? - BOTH: No.

Wow, this looks really lovely.

Dylan's an excellent cook.

So how long have you two been living together, then?

(CHOKING)

Oh, er we're, we're not living together.

Oh, he thinks we're living together.

I'm here quite a lot, though.

Yeah, but your post doesn't come here.

That's, that's the rule.

So tell me, Dylan, you've been together five months,

do you believe in commitment?

- Marriage? Monogamy? - Gareth!

What?

I just want to make sure my sister's with a man

- who's willing to fully get behind her. - (SMIRKING)

What?

You okay?

Er... Er, yeah. (STAMMERS) Nothing.

It's just what you said.

Oh, I get it. "Get behind me".

So you mean it sounded like I was talking about

you having sex with my sister, doggy-style.

Er, yeah, yeah.

But not in a bad way, just...

Erm, it was just... It was just the words.

I've got a theory. Diana likes you.

Yeah, I mean, it comes across like she strongly dislikes me.

Hmm, yeah, with the hostility

and her refusing to eat lunch

in the same room as you on the 3rd of May.

And, and she left the room quite pointedly on the 15th.

- Samuels. - Yeah.

She's your big problem, right?

Meaning you think about her all the time.

Meaning you're obsessed with her.

You can't eat, you can't sleep,

you just want to know why. "Why is she treating me like this?"

And so the spider catches her fly.

(MAKES BUZZING NOISE)

Treating you mean and keeping you keen.

Yeah.

Am I keen?

I mean, I would.

- I definitely would. - She's into you.

She fucking wants me!

(GUFFAWS)

I feel so stupid that this didn't even occur to me.

- Stupid boy. - No.

What are you gonna do about it, Luke Curran?

It's time to go bowling.

- No, look Luke, wait, wait, wait. - It's cool. I've got this.

Ladies.

Yeah, we're not "ladies", we're women.

- That's right, isn't it? - We've had our differences.

From day one you've been cold.

Angry. But I get it now.

Oh, I am wise to your mind games.

So no more bollocks.

Let's settle this like men,

on the floor, naked,

with all our clothes off, getting all up inside each other.

Too much?

(GROANING)

In my defence,

I thought my theory was robust.

I heard the slap halfway across the room.

It's the wooden lanes, they amplify sounds.

Yeah. Thank you for that, Samuels.

Apparently you did something

with, on, or possibly in Diana before she joined the company.

What? I'd never met her before!

Well, she told Mandy and Naomi that you did something terrible to her.

Ooh, did I do Dutch mud-flaps on her?

I don't know what that even is.

Would I Dutch mud-flap on a woman like Diana?

I don't think I would.

At the risk of sounding like a virgin...

- Which you are. - What is a Dutch mud-flap?

How, how do I get one?

Don't answer that until I've left the building.

I've got to be able to look at you in the eye tomorrow.

I've got to go, I'm gonna be late for my job.

No, no, no. It's killing me here.

I'm sure I didn't, not with Diana.

- That Dutch part of it's easy. - I'm out of here.

Did, did anyone else feel that?

It's like me and her are gonna burst into flames.

Yeah?

You have to relax.

He'll like you.

He will like me?

As, as in he currently doesn't like me?

You just sang him an R. Kelly song.

My camera!

Just be yourself.

It's almost impossible to be myself

when I'm concentrating on being myself.

I... Most days I don't even think about who I am,

let alone focus on it really hard.

Dylan, please. Do it for us.

Okay.

Oh no, no, no!

(MOBILE RINGING)

Excuse me.

Thank God, Evie, listen.

Is it possible to get into a serious relationship with someone

without even realising it?

I mean, you know, I'm, I'm very happy, it's just...

She's got products here.

Very many products.

- Dyl, my camera's been nicked. - What?

Can you... Can you please bring me my other camera

because I'm gonna be late for the shoot.

It's not like I'm doing a brilliant job in there.

All the more reason to stay. This is important.

Look, I'll, I'll be back soon.

It'll give me time to gather myself

and come back like less of a...

Complete psycho?

Yeah, well, I was going to say "idiot"

but thanks for the confidence boost.

Be serious.

Yeah.

That's it! That's my camera! Can you zoom in on him?

No. No, you can't zoom in.

Because we're at a bowling alley

and you don't work for MI5.

Thank you! Thank you, thank you, you're the best. Thank you so much.

Okay.

- Oh, er, where's the bits? - Bits?

The lenses? The battery pack?

The stuff that makes this into a proper camera?

The stuff that would have been right next to it in the drawer.

Ah Dylan, thank God you're here.

Evie has been useless. The women still hate me, man.

Is that not a camera? It's a lot of a camera.

- Not enough of a camera? - Dylan, I need your help.

Why would you not have brought the lenses?

I don't know, why would you take your eye off your camera

in a sketchy bowling alley?

Oh, when you put it like that, okay.

Here's how you do it next time, okay?

You say, "Can you bring me the camera

- "and the lenses, and the battery pack." - I'm not a child!

Is there some kind of problem here?

Because if not, I'm having a difficult time.

- I'm doing you a favour! - Dylan...

I'm not even meant to be here!

They made me hire shoes just to hand over your stupid camera.

- Dylan! - What!

Thank you.

Now, women find you likeable. What's your secret?

Dylan! Luke! Can we please just focus on me for a second?

Because I've just lost a good job and a camera

and my last chance to be able to pay my rent

without turning to fucking pole dancing!

You wouldn't be any good at that, dude.

You need a lot of upper-body strength.

All I want to do is get out of this place

and get a drink.

So you've still got your wallet?

Please can you buy me a drink?

I should really get back.

Yeah. No, of course.

It'll be okay, I promise.

All right. Let's get a quick drink. Luke?

I'd love to, guys, but I've got to fix my situation here.

Great hug though. Very timely. Very warm, loving embrace.

Worst thing is, I bought that camera with my dad's money.

You should get back to Bethany.

Can I just ask,

did I ask Bethany to move in with us by accident?

Well, our fridge is full of her probiotics.

Don't people normally have a conversation before they move in together?

Well, you gave her a set of keys. I just assumed...

No, no, don't assume! I, I just let her use the spare set.

That's very, very different. Isn't it?

Well, do you want to live with her?

Why is everyone asking me that question tonight?

That's the guy that stole my camera.

Wait, hey, what, what's the plan here?

I want my camera back.

Okay, but what's the actual plan?

I'm gonna bite his legs off.

Er, do you need me here for that?

Wait, okay. Are you even sure it's the right guy?

I mean, you know, stripy T-shirts are in fashion.

They've never really gone out of fashion to be honest.

- Dylan... - Come on, okay, I...

- (MOBILE RINGING) - What... Dylan! No!

- Oh shit! - Dylan!

Dylan, where are you?

Yeah, sorry, sorry. I've kind of got my hands full here.

- Dylan. - Where? Full of what?

- Hang up. Let's do this. - No.

Look, Dylan, let's do this.

Okay, something's come up.

Um, you should start pudding.

- Dylan, stop it, stop! - No.

What? Why not?

Please, please. He's big. He's gonna kill me.

Hey! I don't know what...

I don't know...

I don't know what...

I don't know what I'm supposed to have done.

Now, I vaguely remember wiping my penis on some girl's curtain.

I don't remember who the girl was

and if it was you, I am sorry,

and I will pay for the dry cleaning.

- You're disgusting! - Ah, come on.

Disgustingly brilliant.

Let me tell you a few home truths about your friend Luke.

It was at the Transmedia Conference in Leeds

two years ago in May.

We met at the bar and afterwards...

- But I wasn't there! - Yes, you were!

Two years ago in May the whole company was in France

building the primary app. It's all in the record.

- We tried Pinot Noir. - It's the red one.

Those were some crazy fucking nights!

You weren't there?

Not even a little bit.

Er, the Trans-M Conference is held once a year in Leeds,

and two years ago, the dates were the 18th to the 21st of May,

and the delegate ticket price was £240.

We didn't go. It's a gift!

Because we were in France, in Lyon,

which is 290 miles from Paris.

- Probably enough now, Samuels. - Yes.

He certainly looked a lot like you.

It wasn't me!

Well, this is awkward.

You told the girls that I...

I might also have added a few details that made it sound worse.

But in my defence, I was wrong.

They hate me.

Look, I'm not sure what else I can do to...

(STAMMERS) Can I just say, all is definitely forgiven.

Stop talking, you're ruining it.

(BOTH MOANING)

Could, could we maybe offer him use of the camera

on alternate weekends?

I've thought of a way to get it back.

Really? How?

Give me back my camera!

Brilliant plan.

- Give it to me! - It's mine!

Can we be adults about this, please?

Ow!

Who slaps people?

- It's my camera. - It's mine.

Let's take a little look. What's on here then?

You know er, pictures, of people and places and stuff.

Photos of various people.

Huh, exactly what I said. You see? Copying.

Huh! Thanks.

Huh! I want a lawyer.

I am so glad you're not that guy.

Me too. (CHUCKLES)

What did that arsehole do to you, anyway?

He called it his Dutch mud-flaps?

I was pretty wasted.

And this, this was in Leeds, two years ago?

Mmm, maybe it was three?

- Thank you for staying. - No problem.

(CHUCKLES) I still can't believe that you took a hit for me.

Well, a slap.

Ha! Well, if anyone asks there were three of them

and you saw it with your own eyes, so...

Yeah, that's, that's how I remember it as well, so...

What?

Nothing. Let's go in.

I'm really sorry about tonight.

- It's my fault. - I know.

I mean, I know you're sorry.

- Glad you got your camera back. - Yeah, me too.

Sorry. We got caught up.

I know, everyone's sorry.

I got punched!

He did. It was magnificent. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

There's no bruise.

Er, well, you know,

you've got to give these things time.

I'm going to go to bed. Goodnight.

Tonight was really important to me.

I know. I'm... I'm sorry.

(SCOFFS)

On the upside I think your brother loves me.

I look back all the time now, going over and over things.

It doesn't help anyone, but, you know,

got to have a hobby, right?

Well, people do that.

Maybe not people with babies,

that's only because we're too tired to remember yesterday,

let alone... God, what was it?

Three, four years ago?

Four.

- It's nice to see you happy. - (CHUCKLES)

Are you going to talk to Evie?

Well, that's the problem.

You know, she's happy, too.

And Mal's a good guy.

Can I give you my advice?

Don't hang around for someone who doesn't really sort of

urgently want to be with you.

You might miss out on all the good stuff.

Here.

(BABY CRYING)

Corrected & Synced by Bakugan