Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

- Hey, Luke. - Hey, Susie.

We were at school together.

JANE: I don't know, half an hour... or five minutes. Okay, bye.

(PHONE BEEPS)

Coincidence bumping into you here.

Not really. When you think about it.

(CHUCKLES)

- Right, yeah. Yeah, sorry. - Well, I've had worse.

I'm sure you have.

You've already had your results. Why are you back here?

We're waiting for someone.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

- Get up, pack your bags. - What's going on?

- It's happened, Dylan. - Why are you crying?

She's single. Ilona McLeod is single and she's having a party.

I need you to drive me to the Highlands.

Evie's coming over to see us. I'm not driving you out there.

What's the point of me buying a car if you're not gonna drive me places?

Book your driving test!

Ilona is my 50-year storm, Dylan.

What are you talking about?

What am I talking about? What are you talking about?

Point Break. 50-year storm at the end? Bodhi not coming back?

- I've never seen it. - You've never... What the...

What is wrong with you people?

Okay, I'll talk you through it, but then we're leaving.

We open on waves. Titles across water, titles are in a lovely font.

A guy rips towards the camera, spraying us with surf.

And off that splash, we're somewhere else wet.

And it's raining at the FBI training facility.

And standing there in that rain, is Special Agent Johnny Utah,

as played by Keanu Reeves.

Utah blasts away at the targets, blam, blam, blam!

You wanna have a little guess what score he gets at the end of target practice?

- I don't care. - 100% is the score he gets.

And he gets a thumbs-up from the instructor.

No one gets a thumbs-up from the instructor.

(MIMICKING BODHI) "Back off, Warchild. Seriously."

And Warchild lets go. Because if Patrick Swayze tells you to back off,

you do it.

(SCREAMING) "This is such a fucking ride, Utah."

You know, we could have watched the whole movie by now?

"We'll get him when he comes back in."

"He's not coming back."

The waves are like...

Really big waves.

And Keanu stares into them.

What does Johnny Utah do now?

He throws that FBI badge into the surf

as those waves pummel Bodhi.

Jesus.

Yeah.

- (DOORBELL RINGS) - Ooh, doorbell.

Then what happens?

It's over, Dylan. It's over.

See you, darling. Call me for a lift home.

Tell your dad we'll have you back by 10:00.

- Very good. Are you going to let me in? - Change of plan.

We are going to the Highlands to party.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

EVIE: So who is this girl anyway? LUKE: Who, Ilona?

You see, when I was in Lower Sixth, everyone got into this habit

of calling me "Mumcut" after someone took a photograph

of me and my mum having the same haircut. Which we didn't.

(LAUGHS)

Uh, and that bothered you?

Uh, yeah. Yes, it did, Dylan. I pretty much wanted to die.

(LAUGHING)

But then you see, Ilona, who was easily top-three

in the year for breasts and face, at the end-of-year party, she kissed me.

That night I wrote her name on a condom in permanent marker

and put Ilona on my list of things to do before I die.

She's item number 27.

When you say she's on your list, do you mean an actual list?

Oh, yeah. I've been adding to this thing since I was seven years old.

Pretty much all the fun I've ever had is thanks to that bad boy.

Number eight. Meet Sue Barker.

Sue's a special lady.

But what do you mean by "Climb near Everest"?

What, not Everest itself?

Fuck no. People die on Everest, man. I don't want to climb it.

I just want to have a clamber around nearby. See what the fuss is about.

Step on it, Dyl. (SIGHS)

This girl never stays single for more than a day.

- Master origami? - Done.

DYLAN: Oh, somebody else got her a sports car too. That is embarrassing.

EVIE: You're not actually going to use that condom, are you?

LUKE: No, I always pack a spare.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Luke! You came!

I'm so sorry to hear about your... Your break-up. It's been depressing me.

Get a drink. I'm drinking my way through it and you should too.

This is my brother, Scotty. Can you do drinks for my friends?

Just because I live here, doesn't make me staff.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

- Hi. I'm Dylan. - Cressida Evans. I recognise you.

- Are you in equities? - No, I'm in debt.

Oh? Management or restructuring?

- Just personally. - Mmm-hmm.

- Is something funny? - No! Sorry, um, it's not... It's not you.

I... I... It's just I find all business cards funny.

(ALL LAUGH)

Well, I made a quarter of a mil last year by making new contacts.

What did you make being sarcastic?

Oh, I'm having all the fun I hoped to have already.

Hi, there. I'm Luke.

We were all at school together.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I... I didn't mean to forget you.

Well, I certainly remember you, Mumcut.

(GIRLS GIGGLING)

(LAUGHS) Oh! Wow, yeah! That was really funny, wasn't it?

I'd forgotten that.

Oh, wait, I remember you now. You're Ivan the Terrible... in Bed!

Or was it a different Ivan who slept with Tracy Ellard and jizzed on her knee?

- Different Ivan. - Oh, yeah?

Luke, let's go and get a drink for the ladies.

You've grown.

I've grown in areas you can't conceive of, pal.

A negative campaign hurts us both. Direct attacks off the table?

Agreed.

I've waited too long for this.

You've waited? I was in France when she broke up with Andrew Ashworth.

Ashworth wasn't even the last shot.

She had a trial separation with Grant two years ago.

Whoa, whoa, wait, how did I not hear about this?

I left my own brother's wedding to get the last train.

Arrived just as they got back together. I nearly shat blood.

Hey, you still got the eye crinkle?

(LAUGHS)

Fucking killer.

May the best man win.

- Oh, wow, this is fun! - So, moving in with Mal?

Yeah. Got to put my stuff somewhere.

Winning romantic of the month...

And how is romantic working out for you then?

You've got a complete life going on. Housing. Career. Boyfriend.

You just need a dog and then you're done. You've won, and you can die.

Look, we've driven a really long way to a party that doesn't like us.

And we haven't seen each other for ages.

And I spent most of yesterday ordering storage boxes and new cutlery.

So I just think that we can do better than moaning.

- Well, go on then. Have you got any ideas? - No. But Luke has.

We do everything that he hasn't yet done.

- I'm in. Let's do it. - Yes!

We got back together and now we've broken up again. Is it me?

He wasn't good enough for you.

Well, Ilona and Grant spent many years together.

Let's credit her with some judgement.

I'm sure he was good. But was he good enough?

Let's take the trouble to be specific, shall we, Ivan?

I just don't think we should push Ilona before she's ready.

I should just hand over my brain to you two. You guys are smart.

Hey! Hey, hey, hey. I'm here for you, Illy.

Like I've always been here for you. Now, honestly, how are you, Ils?

Yeah, actually seriously, how are you, Ils?

You guys are pretty good people, you know that?

- I try. - I am.

Has Luke really never cooked a meal?

It's not crossed out.

I'm thinking we should be a bit more selective with the list.

Well, it does get better. Next we are building a moon base on the moon.

Was he planning on doing that before or after meeting Sue Barker?

Why weren't the three of us close like this at school?

It feels like we should have been. Is it crazy to say that?

If that's crazy then I'm my mother's cat.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Ivan, you nutter.

People assume you want to eat the fish, but carp tastes disgusting.

- Not an eating fish. - No, no, strictly a sporting fish.

But they're bloody cunning too and...

And the big ones, you know, they're strong.

Great. Good to know.

Done! Next on the list!

Oi!

And now one from me.

Oh, my God. Amazing!

You've even got...

Like, family photos.

How did you...

Just whatever I could find online.

This one's from my camera-phone.

Um, you must have put that on Instagram.

I'm pretty sure I didn't.

But...

Thank you.

I can't compete with that. Um, this is a very little thing.

Do you remember that school trip to Greece?

That little shop near the Acropolis that sold figs soaked in spirits and spices?

Well, I remember you eating one and saying it tasted

like the whole country had been distilled into each mouthful.

And you just seemed really, really happy then.

Anyway, fast forward. I was in Greece last summer and I was out walking

and there it was, still there, still run by the same old woman.

And I bought some figs. And I flew them home and...

Now this is the weird thing because, I mean, I love figs, I didn't eat them.

I just put them on a shelf. It never seemed like the right time.

And then when I heard from you I realised, that was why.

They belong to you, Ilona. They... They always did.

And now you have them in your hands.

(EXHALES)

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

CROWD: (CHANTING) Drink! Drink! Drink!

Oh, no!

Well, that was definitely amazing.

Right?

Is she trying to vomit?

She's got to "be amazing at drinking games".

It's on her to-do list for tonight.

- All right, we're going again. - (CROWD CHEERING)

CROWD: (CHANTING) Drink! Drink! Drink!

Yes!

Thank, Christ!

I've got a to-do list for tonight.

It's very short.

- Right, you're up. - See you later.

Number 31. Jump out of a moving car, like James Bond.

- Yes! - Five miles an hour?

- No, 10. - Way too fast for how drunk we are.

EVIE: Let's go!

(BOTH YELL)

DYLAN: Now!

(CRASHING)

- Why aren't you in the car? - Why aren't you in the car?

It was my turn.

No, it wasn't! Obviously you were driving, so I was the one to jump!

Wasn't obvious to me!

Fuck!

Is it fixed?

Yeah, yeah, it just needed a hair clip and I happened to have one

- and now it's as good as new. - Luke will kill us.

Shit, someone's coming.

We were walking nearby and we heard a noise. Um, I mean, look... Look...

- I saw it happen. - With us walking nearby?

And jumping out of the car. Why did you do that?

Please don't tell your sister.

Come with me.

Fair warning?

I'm packing this.

- Are you going to help us fix it? - I want something to buy my silence.

- Five pounds? - I want to see nudity.

I'm not showing you my bits.

No thanks, but I'm not at all interested in you.

(CROWD CHEERING)

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

Why would you want to see that?

Because I'm gay and I'm stuck in the Highlands

and I just thought this would be the only opportunity I'd get all year.

I thought blackmail would be a lot less argumentative.

Never mind. I'd better go and tell Ilona.

Look, wait, wait, hang on!

How much do you need to see to make all of this go away?

(LAUGHS) This is some excellent blackmailing.

- Oh, thanks. - Whose side are you on?

Well, blackmailing a girl's creepy. This is kind of endearing.

I definitely want to see the penis.

Less so now.

(CROWD CHEERING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

(TRADITIONAL IRISH MUSIC PLAYING)

(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)

(CROWD CHANTING)

(ROMANTIC SONG PLAYING)

Have you got protection?

I've got a condom with your name on it.

This is already the most exciting thing that's ever happened to me.

Come on, get your knickers off.

Why don't you just cram money into my waistband?

- Can I? - No!

(DYLAN SIGHS)

There. Satisfied?

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Greece must have been amazing.

Oh, yeah. Buying stuffed vine leaves for a few drachma, oh, magical.

Do they not have the euro there?

Hey, do you remember that kiss? At the school dance?

Yes. My friends gave me shit for that, but look at you now.

No, it was gutsy, I get it.

Kissing Mumcut. I was... I was grateful.

Your haircut was quite like your mum's though. I mean, it was striking.

No. I had hair like Keanu Reeves at the end of Point Break.

I get Californian surf hair.

It looked quite like a bob.

My... My mum had very different hair. We both had follicles, that's all.

Hang on. I've got a piccie here somewhere.

Oh, yes! Here. Look. (LAUGHING)

I mean, come on!

You have to admit.

How come you've got the original?

What?

Well, people passed photocopies around at school but this is...

This is the original.

It's not a big deal, is it? I tried to make it up to you.

And I could have been climbing near Everest.

What?

The figs are from Asda.

(SCOFFS)

Now dance for me.

Oh, come on! It's just a car.

SCOTT: Do you know what a wing mirror costs?

I'll tell Ilona, I swear.

Do you know what? Send us the repair bill. There's my card.

What does this mean?

Blackmail's over.

Oh. Well, that sucks.

Well, thanks for your help, Cressida.

No problem.

Thank you for sharing.

You couldn't have thought of that card half an hour ago?

No.

Pass me my pants, please, Cressida.

What are you, like, 12? Come on.

Leave me alone, otherwise they'll arrest you.

- Come on! - Fivers in here.

- Don't be a bitch. Please, oi! - (LAUGHING)

No! Look, I'm trying to be helpful!

(SONG PLAYING)

You were magnificent tonight. I mean that.

You know something? You, more than Ilona, you were memorable tonight.

Come on. The River Dancing?

That was bold, bro. And the figs!

(EXHALES) I'll catch her in five years.

No.

Don't bother. You can do better.

You know, it was her who came up with Mumcut?

You and your mum both had great hair.

You just needed different great hair.

Thanks, man.

(PHONE VIBRATING)

- We shouldn't have... - No, it's not...

I'm not in a good place obviously or I... I wouldn't have...

I'd have...

I don't... I don't want to fuck things up for you and Mal.

Right.

Yeah, yeah.

- Sorry. I'm not... I'm not trying... - No, it's, um...

Can you pass me my bra? Sorry, I can't reach it.

Can we have the radio on?

(SLOW SONG PLAYING)

Can we have it off again?

(RADIO STOPS PLAYING)

Hello.

Hey, how was it?

Yeah. Yeah, you know. I'm just going to take a shower.

Sure.

Cheers, Dil. Your very good health!

How do you manage with a cup that small?

Hmm. We're not watering cans, Luke.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Ah, you got the call too.

(INHALES SHARPLY) You and Dylan did it then. No surprises there.

Yeah, good to see you, Jane!

If it comes back positive and I have to tell Mal...

Just tell him you sat on a dirty toilet seat.

That happens to girls a lot.

Evie, I didn't know I had it.

Yeah.

Well, that'll make everything better.

(SONG PLAYING)

(LAUGHS) How've you been?

I've had chlamydia.

- Terrific. - Shall we?

You know, maybe I should have told you on the phone but...

No, I'm glad you called me.

It makes sense of all the terrifying symptoms I've been having...

I'm kidding. I got tested last year. Clean as a whistle. You can relax.

- Please relax? - Yeah, yeah. Let's do that.

(CHUCKLES)

I think I've forgotten how.

Just keep drinking. It's better than yoga.

Yeah. Good.

It's good to see you.

Let's order one of everything.

That ought to do it. It's just like old times.

Corrected & Synced by Bakugan