Original subtitles

(gears whirring)

(whooshing)

(majestic tones)

(upbeat music)

♪ I feel the need running deep

♪ That I need to control

♪ The other side of the

♪ The other side of the soul

♪ I plant the seed and feel the need ♪

♪ To wait and watch it grow

♪ From the other side

♪ The other side of the

♪ The other side of the soul

♪ If I could be all things

♪ 'Cause I'm the one pulling strings ♪

♪ I'm like the side effects

♪ The side effects of your disease ♪

♪ You take me out of control

♪ You bring me down to my knees ♪

♪ At least that's what I let you think and see ♪

♪ 'Cause I can be all things

♪ 'Cause I can be all things

- So nice of you to decide to join me for the last 10 feet.

- Yeah, I figured I could use a brisk job

before the Paps put on their pots of coffee.

- With a smoke, classy.

Anyway, you could've slept for at least another hour or two.

The Paps would never believe that you were (coughing)

up before brunch.

- Oh my god, you're Eddy Malone.

Geoffrey, this is the actress

from the Facebook Affair movies.

- Oh right, the babysitter who gets decapitated in

- [Both] Are You Alone?

- Oh my god, I know who you are.

Now, you are so good.

- [Eddy] I know.

- Let's get a picture of her.

- Oh no, we're not really--

- No sure, I'd love to.

- Let's get Barber and Lisa in the shot.

- Phillip, Barber's at the vet.

- Oh, I'm so sorry, I just forgot.

I'm so excited to meet you and--

- And let's get your gorgeous boyfriend in as well.

- Oh no, we're not together.

- We're the closest thing each other has to a boyfriend.

But he's really just my gay.

- Okay, everybody, say Tori Spelling.

- [Eddy And Phillip] Tori Spelling.

- Look at this.

- Oh, my puppy's gonna flush.

He's gonna get acid reflux.

He's gonna be so giddy.

- Phillip, come on.

Wait a minute.

Do you smell liquor?

- And we're done.

- Well, it was nice meeting you.

We have to be going now.

- I wonder what he smelled.

- Last night's vodka seeping from your pores.

- Oh, well in that case it was a rum and diet, not vodka.

(bubbly music)

- I will not be around people that drink.

- Such a pretty girl too, what a shame, huh?

- You know, I'm not gonna go through

what we went through last year.

- Hey hey hey, take a pill.

Calm down. - I don't wanna take a pill.

I'm not a drug addict. - Put the dog down.

- What am I, what is this, Valley of the Dog?

- Put the dog down, walk the dog.

- All right, don't yell at me in front of everybody.

(egg sizzling)

(sighing)

- You know, it's true,

we really are like each other's boyfriends.

- Maybe, apart from the fact that you eat,

drink, and belch way more than any boyfriend I've ever had.

- Since we're practically married,

maybe I should just move in here with you.

- What prompted that idea?

- Well, you're right next to the bars.

And, you know, it's so much cozier here than it is

in that big, empty house in the Hills.

- That big, empty house is yours, Eddy.

Remember how you bought it just

because you couldn't live without it?

- But I'm still always over here.

You know, it's not like I'd be ruining your game.

You haven't had a date since Brit's big comeback.

- Thank you, Lucifer. (phone ringing)

Hello.

Yeah.

Hey.

What?

(sighing)

All right.

Yeah, I'll be there in a bit.

Eddy.

Where is your car?

- Hm?

- Your insanely expensive mint white M3 convertible.

Where is it?

- Outside.

- Goldie just got off the phone with Coco,

and apparently last night, you backed your car

over their valet stand and then fled the scene

in a cab full of frat boys.

- Sorry.

- Dammit, Eddy, this is really bad.

- Carrie Marie John's future career bad?

- Eddy, I'm serious.

First the hot dog thing and now this.

Don't you realize that you could've gone to jail?

- But I didn't, and you wanna know why?

Because God provides.

(grunting)

And B-T-W, I'm hella tired of defending myself

over that Dodger Dog blowjob stunt, okay?

It was a joke.

- But your career isn't,

and you can't keep treating it like one.

- Don't get your Giovannis in a twist, Clark.

TJ will fix it, she always does.

- Look, I gotta go.

Goldie's saying that the media is going nuts over this.

I need you to stay here today.

Do not go anywhere.

Do not do anything.

And don't touch anything either.

Swear.

Ugh.

(joyful music)

I'll be in my office all day dealing with this mess.

How's damage control?

- Better.

TJ released a statement to TMZ saying that Eddy's stunt

was just an ill-placed moment of method acting

for an upcoming action film.

- What action film?

- Well, TJ said you better find a script

we can publicly attach her to until this all blows over.

- Brilliant.

Where is the Beamer?

- I had a driver pick it up at the tow yard.

It's pretty banged up though.

Where to?

- Tell them to send it to AGG.

Send Bobby to have a look.

Did anyone get any photos?

- Perez.

But hey, at least they only drew one penis

in her mouth this time.

- Fine.

I'm gonna call Lisa then.

Thank you for all your help.

- Compared to Monday Night Drag, this is nothing.

Splenda with cream?

- [Clark] Yeah.

- Oh wait.

How is she, by the way?

- Not a care in the world, as usual.

(upbeat music)

- Cooper, you shouldn't have.

- Anything for you, gorgeous.

- Don't tease.

My heart cannot take it after the morning we've had.

- How is he holding up?

- One of the worst mornings in his overworked

and unfulfilled life.

When are you gonna make an honest man

out of him already, hm?

- You know that ship's long sailed.

- Yet you still bring the boy

his favorite takeout every Friday.

- Think it's safe to venture inside?

(knocking)

- All right, thank you.

- Hungry, handsome?

- Yes, thank you.

I haven't eaten today.

- So, so what's the verdict?

- Better.

Coco's not pressing charges

because of the business that Eddy brings in

and Lisa's only insisting that she write

a formal letter of apology.

- You mean a letter signed by Eddy, written by you.

- Funny.

(sighing)

I just want this week to be over.

Hey, are you coming tonight?

You never emailed me back.

- You know I never check my email.

You must text me.

- So you already have plans, then.

- No.

Unless you're trying to set me up with someone

from your AIDS charity again, and in that case, yes.

- Don't be a Judge Judy, please.

- Like you would date even one

of the guys you set me up with.

(chuckling)

- I don't have time to date, thanks.

- Yet you have time to tell other people

who they should be dating.

- Whatever, I was only trying to broaden

your horizons beyond, I don't know,

box dancers and bar backs.

- Funny.

Well, you're on your own.

My dating life's just fine.

You're the one in need of a date.

Or a good lay.

- Whatever.

Anyway, I wasn't trying to set you up, all right?

Throwing an anniversary dinner tonight for Sam and Steve.

- Why are you throwing their anniversary dinner?

- Because I set them up, remember?

- Right, so I'll ask again,

why are you throwing their anniversary dinner?

- Your sarcasm is the reason we broke up, you do realize?

- Oh shit.

I've been operating under the assumption

it was your inability to satisfy me sexually.

- Cooper.

All the Randy Blue and Shaun Cody boys combined

couldn't keep you satisfied.

Now, you in or not?

- All right.

(upbeat music)

- Hey, whose place is this again?

- Oh, his name is Clark.

He and I share a client, Eddy Malone.

You won't be able to miss her.

She'll be the slutty-looking blonde disaster.

- Wait, isn't she the one who just--

- Ah ah, don't you speak of it until my blood alcohol level

is twice the legal limit okay, darling?

- Okay.

(doorbell ringing)

- I got it, I got it.

- Hey, Clark. - Hey, TJ, hey.

How are you?

- This is Pearce.

- Hello, Pearce, come in, come in, come in.

(dancing music)

- Just so you know now, everyone here is pretty douchey,

so just smile and pretend

that everything they say is genius.

- Lovely.

- So there's champagne and wine on the bar.

There's Brie on the table.

TJ, if you don't mind doing the intros,

I'm gonna get the bread out of the oven.

- Yeah.

- You didn't tell me Clark was so hot.

- I didn't think he'd be your type.

- What's my type?

- Who knows, you never date.

Anyway, yes, Clark is quite beautiful.

And unfortunately, already married to his career.

Goldie, Pearce, Pearce, Goldie.

Goldie is Clark's assistant.

- So nice to meet you, Pearce.

With the piercing eyes.

- Nice to meet you, Goldie, with the golden locks.

- Uh-huh.

Oh.

And I know you're down there, Ms. Malone.

I could smell the stink of Camel Turkish Silvers

mixed with Hermes Faubourg as I walked in the front door.

- My cigarettes, I just keep dropping them.

Hi, I'm Eddy Malone in case you didn't already know.

(nervous chuckle)

- [Pearce] Oh, I recognize you.

Nice to meet you.

- Mm-hmm.

And dear, did we forget our cash

and just decide to tip the valet with our car instead?

(cackling)

- Cigarette break, excuse me.

- Do you see what I mean?

- Yes.

- Come on.

Hey, guys.

- Hey.

- How are you?

- Guys, this is my good friend Pearce.

Pearce, Sam, Steve, and Cooper.

- Hey. - Nice to meet you all.

- Tonight is actually Sam and Steve's five year anniversary.

That's why we're here celebrating.

- Oh wow, congratulations, guys.

- Thank you, it's nothing.

- Five years of your BS?

That's definitely something to celebrate.

(chuckling)

- And Cooper here used to date Clark.

- Yeah, now Clark just dates himself.

- And Cooper dates everyone else.

- That's not true.

That's not true.

- No, but Cooper here really is an anomaly.

I mean, he's the only man in 10 years

to crack our dear Clark's impenetrable rainbow casing.

(laughing)

- Come on, I barely brushed the glitter Flexive.

(laughing)

- Laugh it up, Moz, now shut up and come eat this salad

before I cover it with croutons.

- [Steve] Don't carve the greens.

- Hey, would you girls get in here?

- Hey, can I help?

- You need help?

- Thank you.

Hey, would you two mind prepping and setting up plates

while I refresh everyone's drinks then?

Thanks.

- I am not aiding and abetting your scheme.

Clark will fire me.

- Please.

He's not gonna fire you.

He's got his hands way too full with me.

He doesn't have time to fire you.

- They'll see us if we try to leave out the front door, duh.

(coughing)

- Hey, that's why we're going to sneak out.

- What? - Shut up, god.

- What?

I'm not gonna climb down some tree in my high heels.

- Oh please, the ground is like right there.

- Okay.

- Just help me, god.

You're stupid, what's wrong with you?

(whimpering)

Come on.

Come on.

It's totally safe.

Just jump.

(glass shattering)

- Oh, that is ridiculous.

I don't care how many endangered polar bears

were skinned for her cause.

Toxic is far superior to Bad Romance.

- Brit-Brit's out, Gaga's in.

Deal.

- You take that back, Steven Sanders.

- Ladies, let's keep our tampons in, shall we?

It's supposed to be a happy anniversary, remember?

- Crappy anniversary is more like it.

- I'll drink to that.

(chattering)

- Oh shit.

They have escaped.

(chuckling)

(sighing)

All right, Sam and Steven,

why don't you head down to Melrose.

TJ, you and Pearce head over to La Cienega.

Coop and I will head up to Santa Monica.

- No, I never get to see Cooper.

I'm taking him with me.

- Fine, fine, fine.

Just look, hurry, all right?

They're probably trying to flag a taxi

from some corner as we speak.

- Where do you think they're off to?

- The nearest club, no doubt.

But Eddy's wearing six inch high heels,

so I guarantee they haven't gotten very far.

- Sounds like she's done this before.

- Who, Eddy?

Yeah, she's a firecracker to say the least.

Thank god we have the best publicist in town.

- Yeah, TJ truly is a piranha, yes.

- So, how do you know each other?

- We actually met at a pet store a couple of years ago.

She was buying food for her cat

and then she sent a couple of clients my way.

- Oh yeah?

What do you do?

- I'm a life coach.

I specialize in wilderness therapy, actually.

- Wilderness therapy?

- Mm-hmm. - This way.

(pleasant music)

- Yeah, Mia and I, we take clients on retreats.

You know, usually up at Angeles Nation for a few days,

help clients clear their heads,

get some newfound perspective on their lives, you know.

- And Angeles National, where is that?

- It's only like 30 minutes north of here.

- What, like a real forest?

I had no idea.

- They like to keep it a secret.

(laughing)

(pleasant acoustic music)

Oh hey, hold on, my shoe, my shoe.

- You should've brought this Mia with you.

I mean, I made plenty of food.

- Mia's my dog.

- Oh, oh I'm sorry, I thought she was your girlfriend.

- No, no, no, no, I'm gay.

- You don't look gay.

- Oh.

How exactly do gay people look?

- You're just not much like guys here in WeHo.

- Thank God for that.

- But I'm a guy here in WeHo.

- Well, you know I mean...

All right, sometimes I just, I don't know,

being raised here, I just like to escape the city

as much as I can.

Sometimes I just like loathe this place, you know?

- So why are you still here?

- So others won't.

- Ah, martyring yourself to the masses.

What a standup guy.

A regular catcher in the rye, huh?

- What kinda guy are you?

- The tired kind.

(police siren wailing)

Oh shit.

That'll be Eddy.

- Am I fired?

- I guess not, since you're the only reason

that she didn't go to jail.

- Thanks, Clark.

- Now don't be too hard on our girl, okay?

- Goodnight.

- I am sorry, Clark, but I am done with that girl.

- TJ-- - Save it, Clark.

That girl is a liability and you know it.

I am tired of cleaning up after her.

- I understand.

- It was a pleasure to meet you,

Clark, just, you know, despite the circumstances.

If there's anything I can do to--

- It was nice meeting you too, Pearce.

Be safe.

(sighing)

What were you thinking?

(playful music)

(snoring)

- If it isn't Pearce with the piercing eyes.

- Hello, Goldie.

Do you think Clark might have a moment to see me?

- He's been a real grumpy goat today.

Enter at your own discretion.

(sighing)

- What?

How much?

Are you kidding?

No way, no way.

There's no way we're paying that much.

I understand, but...

Well then see, see if he'll renegotiate.

I understand, but does he understand that she...

Fine, fine fine fine.

Just call me if anything, yeah.

(sighing)

Hey.

How are you?

How did you--

- TJ told me where your office was.

- How is she?

- She's calmed down a bit over the weekend.

- Yeah.

Seems like most of the publicists in LA

are too scared to take Eddy on without a hefty sum.

Can't say that I blame them.

But if Eddy can't be handled by TJ

then I'm not sure who can.

(sighing)

- Maybe I could.

- I'm sorry?

- I want to help you and Eddy, of course.

- [Clark] How?

- A wilderness therapy retreat,

like I was talking to you about.

We take Eddy and a few of her pals up to my cabin

for the weekend and I show her that there's more

to life than shopping, happy hours, and parties.

- Hm.

Eddy will never go for it.

- Oh, but she just may if she realizes

it's the only way TJ will keep her on as a client.

- But TJ already said that she's dropping her.

- I had a long talk with TJ over the weekend

and she agreed that if Eddy goes on this retreat

and actually learns something from it,

she will keep her on as a client.

- Seriously?

- Mm-hmm.

- Wow.

Thank you.

- You're welcome.

- But why would you want to help us?

I mean, not that I'm not grateful and blah blah blah,

but I mean, you saw how crazy that Eddy can be.

- Oh yeah, no, I did.

But (sighing) I see that you

and TJ see this potential in her

and I'm hoping I can be the one to help her reach it.

- Martyring yourself to the masses, huh?

- Hardly.

- Hm.

All right.

Why not?

Let's do it.

(pleasant music)

(chuckling)

Eddy.

You want some kettle corn?

- [Eddy] No thanks, I'm beat.

I'm thinking I'm just gonna hit the sack early.

- Well, um, we kinda need to talk

about some things, remember?

- I'm having narcolepsy, can it wait?

- First thing tomorrow, then.

(playfully mischievous music)

(door creaking)

(screaming)

- Ow, let me go out.

Clark, pretty please, with a Paul Walker on top.

You know what?

I am seriously sick of this jailhouse shit, Clark.

- That's house arrest, sweetheart.

- Whatever, fine, speak.

- So, TJ isn't dropping you after all.

- Really?

Oh my god, that's great.

- But only under one condition.

- Oh my god.

She wants me to speak at another one

of those lesbian power conferences?

Clark, those ladies are scary.

- No, Eddy, we hired her friend Pearce, from the dinner?

He's going to be your new life coach.

- Life coach? - Mm-hmm.

- Are you serious?

- As a crying queen,

front and center at a Lady Gaga concert.

- And why would you agree to this?

- Because TJ could argue your way into heaven

after you've been condemned to hell.

Eddy, I can't handle my other clients and you

without any help from her.

- You know what, this isn't fair.

I don't wanna see some shrink.

This is exactly what my parents spent all their time

and dime trying to get me to do.

- He's not a shrink, Eddy.

It's a weekend wilderness therapy retreat.

- A weekend wilderness what?

No way.

- It'll be fun.

Besides, it's not negotiable.

It's already done.

- You mean my life is done?

- Or your career, possibly, if you don't give this a shot.

Your call.

- Just so you know, I'm so not talking to you right now.

(chuckling)

- I guess that means that for once I'll be able

to watch some TV in peace and silence.

- When is this stupid retreat anyway?

- We leave on Friday after lunch,

but knowing you, you better start packing now.

- It's only Monday.

- Exactly my point.

Not to mention that you don't have anything else better

to do this week besides that CW pilot callback

and write that letter of apology to the owners of Coco.

- I don't wanna write that letter.

You write, I sign.

- [Pearce] I'm glad you decided to come, TJ.

- The only reason I'm here is to keep my eyes on Eddy,

just like the only reason you're here

is to keep your eyes on Clark.

- This is strictly professional.

(laughing)

Besides, Clark doesn't realize I exist

beyond handshakes in clothes.

- And my guess is you're hoping this weekend

will open his eyes.

(laughing)

- That's absurd.

- Please, Pearce.

You can't bullshit the paid bullshitter.

I mean, why else would you beg me

not to drop a client you barely even know?

- I need the money, okay?

And in this economy, people think life coaching

is a foolish way to spend.

- Please, we both know why you're really here and it's fine.

Just don't get in over your head, okay?

- Over my head?

I am a trained professional,

I've done this a thousand times.

- Oh fine.

Just so you know,

Eddy's a professionally trained escape artist.

So it's gonna take a lot more

than your little wilderness regimen

to keep that hot tranny mess in check.

- Oh, did you say tranny?

- We're going camping, dear, not Northern Vietnam.

- Okay, A, you offend me, I am Vietnamese.

B, sorry, camo is totes apropes

in all things pertaining to nature.

I figured you, being a lesbian and all,

would know that better than anyone.

- And what's that supposed to mean?

- Lesbians love nature, duh.

- That is the dumbest damn thing I ever heard, Goldie.

And where the hell are Eddy and Clark?

- It's gonna be a long weekend.

Oh, nope, you gotta go in here.

- Aw.

Get in there, buddy.

- There you go.

(giggling)

(banging)

- Eddy, get up, we gotta go.

Eddy, I'm serious.

They're already outside waiting on us.

We'll stop and pick up coffee

and red velvet from Doughboys on the way out.

Get out.

Now.

Ah, this must be Mia.

- Oh boy.

I don't know what I was thinking.

I don't know how we're gonna fit five people

and all this stuff in the truck.

- Oh no worries, we'll just put the rest of it

in Cooper's car.

- [Pearce] Huh?

- Well now it really feels like a party.

- My god, you're Heath from Spank It Harder.

- Yes, I am.

But my real name is Gage.

- Gage, this is Clark, TJ, Goldie, Eddy, and...

I'm sorry, I forgot your name.

- It's Pearce.

Cooper (snapping) can I talk to you for a second?

- Will you sign this, please?

- TJ, it is so good to see you.

And you know what, I really wanted to tell you--

- Listen to me very carefully, Ms. Malone.

I do not do second chances.

And the only reason you're getting this one

is because I believe in your talent

and I believe in your team.

But right now,

I am having a very difficult time believing in you.

- Who is that?

You didn't tell me you were bringing anyone.

- Well, I'm sorry I forgot to get permission, Dad.

I didn't know you needed a formal headcount

on a camping trip.

- This isn't just any old camping trip.

We're doing this for Eddy.

This is therapy for her.

I can't believe--

- I am here for Eddy, and he's not a date, he's my trainer.

Besides, I brought him for you.

- What?

I don't need a trainer.

- I didn't say you did,

but this is a therapy retreat, right?

I brought him to give you some much needed sexual therapy.

(scoffing)

Hey, kids, who's ready to camp?

(upbeat music)

(groaning)

- [Eddy] It smells horrible.

I'm not carrying anything.

Thank you.

- [Clark] Not bad.

- Welcome.

- Wow, Pearce, this is really beautiful.

- [Pearce] Thanks.

- [Cooper] Yeah.

So, how do the rooms work?

- Well, there's three.

There's a couple of doubles downstairs.

There's some queens upstairs.

There's a room down the hall.

And a pullout room here.

- Clark and I are sharing a room.

- Gage, you don't mind going down, do you?

- Any time.

- Good boy.

- All right, well I guess Mia and I will take the pullout.

And you two can go down the hall.

Sound good?

- Please let this place have a margarita counter.

- I ain't your mama.

- All right.

- Hey, what's all this for?

- It's for Eddy's cleanse.

(laughing)

- This oughta be good.

Hey, let me know if you need any help tying her down.

(chuckling)

(blender whirring)

- Hey, where's Eddy?

- Harvesting acorns?

- Harvesting...

Okay.

Hm.

- What the hell are you doing?

- I guarantee your lungs are already singing my praises.

- What the hell is that?

- Something to wash these down.

- Yeah, here's the thing is I don't eat rabbit poop.

- They're actually Chinese herbs

to help flush the toxins out of your liver.

- I didn't know you were Chinese.

- I don't discriminate.

Now, open up.

(spitting)

- Oh my god.

That is the most disgusting thing I've ever had in my life.

I swear to God, my vomit after sushi

and 10 sake bombs tastes better than that.

- Good, I'm glad you like it.

Look, Eddy, I'm here to help you.

But you actually have to want my help, that's how it works.

- And this is nothing personal against you,

but I just, I don't need your help.

- But you do need your publicist.

In order to keep her, you have to let me help you.

Look, just humor me for the weekend, okay?

If Sunday rolls around

and you're still not convinced I can help, you're free.

- Great.

Well what are we gonna do, then?

- Well, I can help you with any aspect of your life.

From your diet to your career.

From your body to the spiritual.

I'd actually like to help you find a way

to function happily with a little less stimulation

and more moderation.

- Oh, well that sounds boring.

(chuckling)

- Tonight, we'll start with campfire confessional,

and I promise you, it's anything but boring.

- Oo.

- So pretty.

(pleasant music)

(heavy exhale)

(water bubbling)

(blow dryer whirring)

- Oh hey, Clark. - Eddy, can you not?

- Let me see your penis. - No, Eddy.

- Let me have it.

Let me have it.

Stop it. - Quit.

- Stop it, you'll hurt me.

Oh man, if you think his butt is pretty,

you should see his penis.

(giggling) - Eddy.

Sorry. - Take it.

- I didn't see anything, I swear.

- Sure, you did. - No really, I didn't.

- What, you don't think Clark's hot?

- That's not the point, he's my client.

- No, I'm your client,

he's just the hottie writing your check.

Besides, I didn't ask you if you wanted to Prop 8 Rally

with him, I just asked if you thought he was cute.

- I think we should focus on you.

- It's okay, you have a big, fat crush on Clark.

And I get it, who doesn't?

And don't you worry, your secret is safe with me,

provided I don't have to drink any of those nasty,

raw sewage shakes anymore.

- Fine, no more sewage shakes.

But with that, I am still your coach.

(giggling)

- What are you doing?

- It's what I like to call a make under.

- Oh, a make under?

I need my makeup, my skin is terrible.

- Actually, your skin is pretty damn flawless

considering all the shit you clog your pores with.

- My makeup is organic and oil-free

and it doesn't come cheap.

- This is not about the makeup.

This is about you.

Beauty is only skin-deep.

Now, you can still have the essentials,

eyeliner and gloss, concealer if you have a blemish,

which you do.

So, dunk it.

(screaming)

- Wow, I had thought about doing that

so many times in the shower.

- [Pearce] I'm giving her a make under.

- [Clark] Make under?

- [Pearce] Mm-hmm.

- [Eddy] Oh, Clark, he's the new Lucifer.

- Oh hey, so we're gonna need wood

for that campfire thing, right?

- Oh, we've got plenty of wood up here don't we, Pearce?

- Oh yeah, where is it?

- Where is it?

- It's down by the...

You know, there's plenty of logs...

I'm done here.

I'm gonna go with you.

Yeah.

Sitting there in my room, waiting to ambush her

with my two biggest, best action figures,

you know, the ones with like the thing in the back

and they can like kick and punch and throw fire.

So, I'm like waiting there, and then all of a sudden,

all of her friends show up with all their action figures

and they just ambush me in my own room.

So I stand there and I just drop my pants and pee on her.

- What? - I don't know, man.

I don't know where it came from, but I peed on my sister.

- Oh my god. - I know.

- That's hilarious. - It totally worked.

- I can't believe you peed on her.

(laughing)

- She didn't like it so much.

- Did she ever forgive you?

- Well, eventually.

I mean, she's my sister, she kinda had to.

You know, we're like best friends now.

You gotta forgive and forget, right?

- I don't know.

Well, it sounds like you're close to your family.

- Yeah, I'm really blessed, actually.

They're pretty great people.

How about you?

- Uh, yeah, I mean mine's great too.

I don't really see them much.

But we talk on the phone.

Sometimes.

Anyway, they're all back in Hogeye.

- Wait, wait, Hogeye?

(laughing)

- Yeah.

A small town in Texas, Nowheresville.

Not exactly the best place to visit.

- Well, if your family's there, that's reason enough, right?

- Yeah, I guess you're right.

- Whoa, whoa whoa there, tiger.

- What?

- Always pick a stick up from the opposite side

of where your foot stands.

There could be a snake hiding underneath.

You're from Texas, you should know that.

- Yeah, well I didn't do much wood gathering back home,

but I will say this, if I ever peed on my sister,

she would've strangled me,

regardless of whether or not

she scared the crap out of me first.

- Well, I bet your sister's not half

as twisted and sadistic as mine was.

- Oh, I don't know about that.

One time...

Oh man. - Here it comes.

- Yeah, here it comes.

All right, so one time, she put me in her tutu,

painted my nails pink, hid the polish remover,

and then, and then-- - Oh no.

- Tricked me into thinking that my dad

was coming home early from duck hunting.

I was terrified, terrified I'd be beaten.

- Oh my god, he would've killed you.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Wow.

Well hey, that about does it.

Let's head back. - Okay, all right.

So, what now?

- Just let's go gather the troops and start a fire.

- So, what do you--

- Don't even think about it, blondie.

- What?

Can't a girl hydrate herself without security being called?

Jeez.

- Uh-huh. - Read 'em and weep.

- What?

(sighing)

- Oh man.

Did you really have to take me to Guam to get firewood?

(laughing)

- Toughen up, soldier, we're here.

Lay your wood down right there.

- All right.

(playfully eerie music)

Oh no.

No, this is a bad idea.

- So what? - They're gonna be pissed.

- Who cares, it's part of the fun.

Or have you forgotten how to have fun, Mr. Townsend?

(laughing)

- Me?

You're the one who's so serious about this wilderness shit.

And hey, my life revolves around putting famous people

in movies and attending fancy premiers

and hosting amazing dinner nights.

I know how to have fun.

- Oh, gotcha, totally yeah.

So you know how to entertain.

When's the last time you entertained yourself?

- All right, fine, what do we do?

- Just make the ugliest face you can.

(scoffing)

- This face has a hard time being ugly.

- Oh brother, except when you say things like that.

(laughing)

- Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, did you see that?

In the window?

- I didn't see anything.

(screaming)

- Damn, what?

What the hell is wrong with you two?

Ain't a damn thing out there.

(screaming)

- I'm not scaring TJ, you do it.

- No, I'm not scaring her.

It's your stupid idea, you do it.

She's right above us, just do it.

- Fine, ready?

Okay. - Okay.

- [Both] One, two, three.

- What the hell is wrong with you two?

Now I've got a house full of screaming queens up in there.

- You're not gonna like pee on us, are you?

(laughing)

- Pee on you?

I'm gonna beat you.

- Oh.

- Clark, get in the house. - Yeah, okay.

- Pearce, just start the campfire already.

- Okay, just go, go go go.

- Assholes.

- Anyone else got the DTs?

- Yes, open up a bottle.

- All right, lushes, the campfire is good to go.

- Nope, nope, nope, Eddy is refusing to go outdoors

for the confessional, something about raccoons

staring at her and bats in her hair, I don't know.

Anyway, maybe you can talk her into it.

- Excuse me. - Hey.

- [Gage] I just need to grab this here corkscrew.

Oh, nice buns.

- Seriously?

I'm gonna go get Eddy to come.

- So, booze?

- Yes. - Yes, please.

- Eddy.

I know you're up here.

(sighing)

This isn't working.

- Sex appeal isn't everything.

(chuckling)

Hello.

Sh, come here, come here.

Damn.

Where have you been hiding all of this?

- I'm feeling kind of wily.

- Oh here, put this on.

- Why?

- Because if you can't appreciate how amazing your body is,

then no one else will either.

- What are you doing?

- Trying to get you and Clark in bed together.

Lord knows you want it and Lord knows he's overdue.

- Okay, so, how'd you and Clark meet, anyway?

- Just at a gay bar.

I was a nobody and I really wanted this audition,

so Clark stole a password from this agent he knew

and submitted me himself.

- Sounds like he really believed in you, huh?

- Yeah.

Well, it worked.

And that's how he became my manager.

I mean, he has like 20-something plus clients now

but I'm still his best.

Okay.

So, later, I'm gonna pretend to be cold

and you're gonna take off your flannel and give it to me.

- That's not gonna be quite so convincing,

you know, with you refusing to go outside

in the cold and all.

- You know, well, you protect me from big scary woodsmen

out there and I help you climb Yummy Mansmountain in here.

- [Pearce] Ew.

- All right, so here's what we're gonna do.

You turn down the heat, and then I'm going to crack

the window open a little bit,

and it's gonna be freezing in here

before you can say shrinkage.

And then I'm gonna be pretend to be really, really cold,

and then you're gonna give me your flannel.

And then before you know it (clapping) voila.

Beefcake dessert for everybody.

- But if I give you my flannel, I'm gonna be cold.

- Coldness is hotness and hotness is pain.

Believe me, I wrote the book.

- I don't know.

What about the glasses?

I mean... - Uh, keep 'em.

Keep 'em, the glasses are sexy.

It's what separates you from Porn Man.

- Among other things.

- There.

(scoffing)

- Why me?

I mean, why not Gage?

- Because Clark likes you.

He just doesn't know it yet.

- This really isn't me.

- Well, so?

You don't have to be Mr. Big Shot Woodsman all the time.

You can be lots of different things, you know?

That's why I love acting.

Because you can be anything.

- I'm supposed to be your life coach, all right?

- Just because your name is Wright

doesn't mean you're always right.

(chuckling)

- Dork.

(pleasant music)

- Are you boys ready?

And.

Go.

Come on, go go go go go go go go.

Go.

And it's Gage for the gold.

- That's not fair.

He only won because he worked

in every damn bar in West Hollywood.

- Oh yeah, you mean all those bars

that you frequent on a daily basis?

- Hey, how about you, hot stuff?

Wanna come swallow some chalk with me?

- [Clark] Yeah, no thanks.

If Cooper can't beat you, I don't have a chance in hell.

- Hey. - Oh.

- Pearce, my boy Clark here is too much

of a pussy to take some shots with us.

Why don't you show my boy Gage how it's done?

- Oh no, one is good, thanks.

- I've had four.

Two's a fair trade.

- Okay.

(coughing)

- [Cooper] Two.

(sighing)

(applause)

- Yay, Pearce.

- Wiener?

Just got chilly in here.

Anyone wanna crank up the heat?

- Sorry.

I turned the heat down this afternoon

and it's probably gonna take awhile to heat back up again.

Here.

Take this.

- Oh, but aren't you gonna be cold?

- Yeah.

I'll be fine.

- Thanks.

- Put this on before you catch a damn cold.

- You smell good.

What is that?

- [Pearce] It's campfire smoke.

- Hey.

Do you wanna make out?

- You have mustard on your face.

- [Eddy] So are we gonna do this

campfire confessional thing or what?

- Yes, yes.

About that time.

- Campfire confessional?

- Yes, it's this little tool I like to use

to help bring my clients closer together.

You know, to keep us all at ease with each other.

- Okay.

- We're not your students.

- Yeah, but I am, and if I have to do it,

so does everybody else.

- So how does it work?

- Well, we go around the room and we tell something

about ourselves that no one else knows.

- Oo, I wanna go first.

Can I?

- [Pearce] Yeah sure, okay.

- So, this is gonna sound kinda weird,

but I kinda like to chew my toenails.

- Oh lord, that is disgusting.

- This, I mean, no.

I don't know, it's a weird habit, I can't help it.

- As long as you and I are sharing a bed this weekend,

you better find a way.

- All right.

(laughing)

Thanks for sharing.

I guess we'll go around this way which brings us to me.

I guess my big secret would be that

I go to church almost every Sunday.

- But, dude, you're gay.

That makes no sense.

(scoffing)

- What makes no sense is one gay telling another gay

that they can't be spiritual.

It doesn't make you much smarter

than those ignorant zealots that set that precedent

to begin with.

- Fine, fine.

Wasn't trying to throw Haterade

all over the campfire confessional.

I just thought that for us gays,

the closest thing we had to church was Sunday brunch.

- And everyone's input is welcome.

Just remember, the point of this exercise

is to bring us together.

Not divide us.

Cooper, you're up.

- Something no one knows.

That's gonna be pretty hard.

Clark here knows pretty much everything there is to know.

Except one thing.

- Well, this oughta be good.

- I kind of have a crush on someone at this fire.

- Pah, thought it was supposed to be something nobody knows.

- All right, smart egg, why don't you give in

and finally tell us what TJ really stands for?

- Fine.

It stands for Terrell Justice.

- Oh.

- Wow.

That's really beautiful.

- Yeah, so how come you never told us before?

- Because I am an angry black lesbian

and we just don't give shit away for free.

(chuckling)

- Gage, you're up.

- Uh.

Sometimes, when I'm really wasted, I like to have sex

with boys that are dressed up like girls.

That's really messed up, isn't it?

- Oh yeah, sure.

That's way worse than the fact that you shoot gay porn.

- I'm sure yours isn't nearly as bad.

- Well, I don't know, maybe it is.

I guess my big secret would be my regret

not spending enough time with my family.

You know, missing out on my nieces and nephews growing up.

My parents getting old.

- Clark, that makes me really sad.

- Well, you know, that's a good thing,

because you're having an epiphany of self-realization

before it's too late.

- Yeah.

You're really smart.

- Thanks.

- Yeah.

Anyway...

Didn't mean to, sorry to dampen the mood, guys.

Eddy, why don't you go?

- Okay.

So, everyone always wants to know

why I'm like perpetually single.

And the reason is that I really don't need a man

as long as I have my Clark.

And 88.

- What's 88?

- Oh, that's my vibrator.

But you know, by the end of this weekend, it might be 89.

(laughing)

- Wait, I don't get why you would go...

(gasping)

You are so nasty.

You better wash your hands.

Oh my gosh.

- Sorry.

- What's up?

- Nothing much.

I was just thinking, you know,

it's really nice what you do for people, you know?

- Thanks, I do what I can.

- Yeah.

You know, I'd like to think if I weren't so busy

all the time, I'd be more thoughtful myself.

- Oh.

Sorry.

- No worries, man.

I was actually just about to come find you.

I was just wondering, maybe we could

slide those twin beds in my room together.

- That's a really nice offer, Gage,

but you're bunking with Cooper, remember?

- No way.

He's upstairs with the lumberjack.

They're probably, I don't know, jacking lumber or something.

Hey.

Maybe we could jack some lumber.

- Um.

You have, um, toothpaste on your face.

(sighing)

- Man.

I had a lot to drink tonight.

- Well, maybe you should get some water

so you don't get a hangover.

- Do you find me attractive, Pearce?

- Yeah, well sure, why do you--

- Oh, oops, sorry.

It's just, I'm going to the kitchen sink to brush my teeth.

- Look, I'm flattered, but we have an early morning.

- Okay.

I'll see you tomorrow.

(birds chirping)

- [Pearce] Good morning!

- Oh god, and I thought Clark got up early.

- It's time for your morning jog.

- But it's snowing out there.

- [Pearce] Well, you better dress warm.

Clark, wanna come?

- No.

Thanks.

Actually, I'm surprised you're up this early

considering the late night you had.

- Okay.

Meet me downstairs in 10.

(sighing)

- Coffee?

- I already had my wake up shake, thanks.

- Are you all right?

- What?

Yeah.

I'm fine.

- [Cooper] Good morning, guys.

- And why are you so chipper?

I figured you'd have a raging hangover

after all that tequila.

- Surprisingly no.

A lot of water right before bed did just the trick.

- Dammit. - What?

- I'm still waiting to hear back whether

or not I booked that CW pilot.

- They're not gonna call this early on a Saturday, dear.

- So where are you kids running off to?

- Oh, we get to go for a jog.

Apparently, Pearce here thinks I'm built

like one of Santa's reindeer.

- Sweet.

I love a brisk jog in the cold.

Can I come?

(heavy exhaling)

So which way, boss?

- South.

There's a trail down to Switzer Falls right there.

Ready? - Yeah.

(sighing)

- I cannot believe this place does not have wireless.

- Do you ever stop working, Clark?

- Ha, you're one to talk.

- Yes, well I do work hard,

but I also reward myself afterward.

You should try it sometime.

Now, where the hell are your clothes?

I ain't seen a penis since my senior year of high school

and I'd like to keep it way that way.

- Anyone seen Coop?

- He went jogging with Pearce and Eddy.

(whimsical music)

(coughing)

- Wait up, you guys.

I can't breathe.

- How'd you get to know this motley crew?

- Well, I met almost everybody through Clark.

Except for Goldie.

Who, when I first met him, only went by Gary.

- Gary?

(laughing)

I can only imagine.

- Yeah, he actually used to work

for my firm till he got canned.

- Why?

- One day he showed up for work and was no longer Gary.

- So he came to work in drag, good for him.

- Yeah, I don't think the executives were too pleased.

Come up with some bullshit reason to can him.

- But you guys stayed friends?

- Well, I'd run into him.

Her.

At bars and stuff after.

And, uh, I don't know, it was good

to see her finally comfortable in her own shoes, you know?

Six inch heels.

(laughing)

After that, she couldn't get a job anywhere

until she met Clark.

He hired her when no one else would.

- Huh.

That's really nice of him.

- Yeah.

- So in return, Goldie set him up with you?

- I guess.

It was really her doing me a favor.

Clark's one of a kind.

- How long were you two together?

- Four years.

Best four years of my life.

His too, probably.

- So then, what happened?

- I don't know, I guess we grew up.

- I don't understand how two people can choose

to end something when they still love each other.

That's, I don't know.

- Love doesn't always have to change, but people always do.

Sometimes a road forks and people take different paths.

- Well said.

- Yeah.

But that's life.

And besides, it's kind of exciting,

never knowing where the road may lead you.

- Hey, last one back's a rotten Mo.

- Okay.

(chuckling)

- Storm's coming.

- I hope they brought their ponchos.

(panting)

So, how was the running thing?

- I'm in dire need of a shower.

- Not yet, Ms. Malone.

- I'm not a cat.

How many lives do you think I have, mister?

- You can take as many showers

as you want after your facial.

- Oh, I love a good facial.

- Yeah, what kind are they?

- Oh, you'll see.

This right here is a combination of ingredients

guaranteed to revitalize that smoke-weathered skin of yours.

One is actually a mineral-enriched mud I save myself

from a place right down the trail by the lake.

- Ew.

You're using dirt from the ground?

- It's the best kind.

- And the other?

- Hm.

The other is the key ingredient

of the world famous geisha facial.

- Which is what?

- Oh, just nightingale droppings.

- What?

Are you meaning to tell me that you put dirt

and bird shit on my face?

- [Pearce] Yes.

(groaning)

- Gross.

I wanna go home.

- Sounds amazing, I'm next.

- From what I've read in the tabloids,

Ms. Malone, you've had much worse on your face,

- Oh, shut up.

- Oh, feisty.

(phone ringing)

- Clark, your phone is ringing.

- Hello.

Yeah?

- Good job, Ms. Malone.

- Can I talk to you, Eddy?

Or should I call you Sidney Mancini?

(gasping)

- What?

I booked the CW pilot?

Oh my god, I'm so excited.

- [Pearce] Congratulations.

- I did it.

(shouting)

- Clark, do you wanna even out that facial

with the rest of Pearce's super concoction?

- Yeah, no thanks.

It doesn't look like there's any loungers available anyway.

- Ah nah, Pearce and I can share.

- All right, why not?

What the hell?

I'll just take a little bit of this.

Oh, looks kinda nice.

(laughing)

- [Eddy] Snap.

- Looks like you got some bird crap up in your hairline.

That's gonna be hard to get out.

(laughing)

- Oh, what's wrong?

(screaming)

- Are we finished here, children?

I just got off the phone with Lisa, Eddy, there's a party

at the SLS tonight and she wants you there to promote.

What do you think?

- Uh.

- [TJ] What do I tell Lisa, Eddy?

- Tell her I'm on a therapy retreat

and I just can't make it.

- As your publicist, I have to say, good.

That was the right decision.

(pleasant music)

- Oh my god. - Oh, you know what.

- [Eddy] Clark did it.

- What?

No, no, I didn't.

It was Cooper.

- What up, homos?

- Don't move, I need you as my shield.

(shouting)

- Mm, what smells good in here, can I help?

Hey, did I do something to upset you?

- No.

Why?

- You've been acting weird since yesterday.

- Have I?

- Look, if this is about Cooper, I can assure you

that I am a professional and that I'd never do anything

to jeopardize a relation--

- Cooper and I dated a long time ago, all right?

I don't really care who he dates.

Besides, if I was gonna be upset about anything,

it'd be how terribly bad you're chopping those tomatoes.

- There's no right or wrong way to chop a tomato.

Is there, Mia?

- A, tomatoes are technically fruit.

And B, I've seen the inside of your Jeep,

so you could definitely use some organizing in your life.

- And you could use a little messy in yours.

It's about the taste, not the preparation.

- I could assure you they'll taste

just as amazing as they look.

But you see, Eddy hates onions.

So, if you cut the tomatoes with the same knife

as you're cutting the onions, she won't eat them.

- Mental note.

Eddy's next lesson,

why fajitas taste better with grilled onions.

- All right, come here, I'll show how it's done.

All right, take hold.

Hold it like this, all right?

- [Pearce] Oh my god, that's exactly

the same way I was cutting them.

- What?

Yeah, except for the fact that tomato juice

is not squirting out every which way.

- Hey-oh, party people.

What's cooking?

- Clark's famous fajitas, evidently.

- Oo, sounds fab.

Hey, anybody want a tasty app before the main course?

- What are those?

- Blue Dolphins.

Guaranteed to send you nosediving into a sea of happy.

- Yeah, no thanks.

I haven't been to the whiteboard since senior year.

- How about you, nature boy?

This shit is pure NDMA.

- I'm on the job.

Thanks.

- Wine?

You guys suck.

- Oh, Chianti.

My favorite.

Oh shit.

- Oh hey, no worries, TJ, you can have mine.

It's right over there.

- Oh, thank you.

- I'm about to open a bottle

of Riesling to have with dinner anyway.

Will you round everybody up?

I'm gonna grab the beef and the chicken off the grill.

- [TJ] Uh-huh.

(chattering)

- Here we go.

(laughing)

- I'm sorry, did Mia toot again?

- No, it stinks like onions.

(laughing)

- [Clark] See what I mean?

- Oh, everything looks so wonderful, Clark.

- Absolutely. (gasping)

- I gotta take a picture of the spread

before everyone tears it up.

- [Cooper] Can we eat now?

- Can you take a picture for us?

- Yeah, sure. - Thank you.

- Are we pruning? - Baby, you know it.

- [Pearce] What's pruning?

- What?

- Are you for serious?

- Yeah, I've never heard of it.

What is it?

- It's only what you do when you want

to take a really sexy picture like this.

- Oh. - Yeah.

It's Olsen Twins's trademark move.

Guaranteed hot photo.

Here, you try it.

- Oh, I don't-- - Just, go on.

Just give it a little whirlsies.

(laughing)

- Here.

Say prune and keep your lips in that position.

- Prune.

- Is that really necessary while we're eating?

- Do I detect some jealousy, Mr. Townsend?

I'll come over there and kiss you too if you like.

- Nah, I think I'd rather be kissing Mia.

- Is anyone else feeling warm?

- I am.

How about you, Clark?

- [Clark] I'm fine.

- You know, kissing Mia's not so bad.

I let her kiss me all the time.

- Yeah, Clark, why do you gotta hate on the dog like that?

- That wasn't an insult to Mia.

And please, Cooper, you don't even like dogs.

Because as I recall correctly,

you wouldn't let us have a dog when we were living together

because you said that it would ruin the carpet.

- Well, that doesn't mean I don't like dogs

just 'cause I didn't want one living in the house.

Besides, we were too busy taking care of Eddy.

- Um, I don't like being compared to a dog.

- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to compare you to a dog.

More like having a child that doesn't pay rent.

- Damn, this wine is strong.

I am feeling so damn good right now.

- Cooper, leave Eddy out of this, okay?

This is before she was making her own money.

She needed help, you know that.

- Well, we weren't her parents.

- Oh right (snapping) because you didn't want kids.

Now I remember.

That was the reason that we broke up, right?

Excuse me.

Enjoy.

- Awkward.

- Prick.

(laughing)

- And they say us lesbians like to fight.

(laughing)

I think we need some music.

- Sorry about that.

Would you all excuse me for a minute?

- Maybe I should go find Clark.

- No, he wants to be alone when he gets like this, trust me.

- Did you get enough meat?

- Yeah.

- Gays are away, time to play.

(pleasant music)

- Hey, Clark.

Where'd you go?

Come on, Mia.

(ducks quacking)

- Hey.

What are you doing down here?

- We like to come down here sometimes too.

Do you wanna be alone?

- Oh no, it's fine.

I'm sorry about all that.

- Seems like you and Cooper have some unresolved issues.

- Yeah, I don't think you can

resolve the things that broke us up.

- Maybe I could help.

(chuckling)

- I guarantee you that the last thing Cooper

and I would wanna do is discuss our past with a life coach.

It's been hard enough remaining friends.

- You ever think maybe you shouldn't be?

- I don't know,

I think it'd be harder not having him in my life.

Plus, someone has to look out for him.

- You do an awful lot of that.

- Of what?

- Taking care of your friends.

- Someone has to.

- Regular catcher in the rye.

(laughing)

- All right, so managing talent is not as much

of a humanitarian effort as life coach.

What made you decide to anyway?

- Well, you know my parents are in the business

and I'd be on set all the time growing up.

I'd be surrounded by these amazingly creative people

coming together to make these beautiful works

of art to show the world.

But inside, they always just seemed so sad.

I wanted to help.

- Yeah.

Yeah, I think I know what you mean.

That city will knock you down every day if you let it.

I felt it myself.

- Well, that's why you can't let it.

You gotta remind yourself every day that it's just life

and to enjoy it while you have it.

- That's easier said than done.

- Is it?

(upbeat music)

(shouting)

- Coop, Coopaloop, we thought you crashed out.

Come join the party.

- Get your sexy ass over here

and come play some strip poker with mama, baby.

(laughing)

- I have a three, five, and a joker.

- I have a heart, I win.

- [Eddy] Oh yes.

- [All] Take it off.

Take it off.

- Woo. - Take it off.

- Woo! (phone ringing)

- Oh hold on, my phone's ringing.

- What's up, slut?

Yeah?

Oh god, shit, no way, are you kidding me?

No, man, I'm in like Yellowstone.

- Angeles National.

(shushing)

- No, it's just my boozing.

No, I totally, can you come get me then?

'Cause I might need a ride.

I, Ann said that the SLS party is amazing

and that we have to go.

No, I'm gonna find a way to get there.

I'll see you.

- Tell Ann I said hi.

- We have to get to that party.

- No, we can't.

- We have to go.

- What, no, we can't.

I'm, my popcorn is good.

- All right, fine, I'm gonna go by myself.

I wonder if Yellow Cab will come here.

- We just don't tell 'em.

- [Gage] Can I have some popcorn?

- Yeah, open your mouth.

(laughing)

- Ready, ready?

Go get it, go get it.

Good girl.

(laughing)

- Aw.

Good girl.

What made you decide to get her anyway?

- Well, I was walking by the park and it was Adoption Day

and she was a rescue and needed a home.

I wasn't even really planning on getting a dog,

actually, but her eyes met mine and she picked me.

It wasn't until later that I realized

how much I needed her too.

- What do you mean?

- Well, she's my best friend.

My partner in crime.

I didn't realize how long

I'd been saying goodnight to an empty bed.

I guess she kinda filled a void for me.

- Yeah, I think I know what you mean.

I guess Eddy's kind of like that for me.

Like a dog.

(laughing)

Except we don't sleep together, usually.

You know, I think you might have

the most genuine smile that I've ever seen.

- [Cooper] Am I interrupting something?

- [Clark] No.

We're just enjoying the view.

- Yep. - Is that all?

- Yeah.

Yeah, just...

- That's it, just enjoying the view?

- Yeah just, you know, chilling.

- There something you wanna tell me, Clark?

- We're just enjoying the view.

- Clark, come on, tell him.

- [Cooper] I thought we had something, Pearce.

- Look, clearly you two are the ones

with the real connection here, all right?

I'm sorry, all right?

This was some, what was said,

I dunno, I think I've had too much wine to drink.

I should probably go check on Eddy.

(sighing)

Thank you.

- So...

- Listen, I'm flattered someone as beautiful

and sweet as you is interested in me, Cooper, really.

I am.

But I've liked Clark since we first met.

- Look, it's all good.

I know how hard it is to reject someone.

Believe me, I have to do it all the time.

(upbeat music)

- [Clark] Hey.

Hey. - Oh, Clark.

Clark.

(laughing)

Come dance with me.

- Where is everyone?

- I have no idea.

Where are the unicorns?

Where's your porno bud?

Woo.

- TJ, listen to me, try to have some water

before you go to bed, okay?

Water. - Water?

- Water. - Okay.

Water.

Oh, water, I love water.

Refreshing.

Cleansing.

Purifying water.

(screaming)

Stroke.

Stroke.

Stroke.

- Hey, Eddy.

- [TJ] Stroke.

Stroke.

- Get off.

Hey, Clark.

We're just playing board games.

- Where's Eddy?

- She left.

- Left?

Where?

- To the promo party in Beverly Hills.

- Who took her?

- Yellow Cab.

Stop.

I'm sorry, I tried to stop her this time, Clark.

I swear, I swear I did.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Clark.

- You should've asked him to join us.

Ow.

You know I like it rough, you sexy bitch.

(moaning)

(pleasant music)

♪ Sitting by myself

♪ Just wasting time

♪ On some distant memory

♪ Thinking about my life

♪ Where I went wrong

- Why are you whining?

You're not the one who got rejected

by his first real crush last night.

And no, MacGyver doesn't count.

It was the 80s.

It was the weird mullet phase.

It's embarrassing enough as it is--

- Bad night?

Well, I guarantee it wasn't half as bad as my morning.

I think I relived 1981 to 1987 in a matter of hours.

Talk to me.

- Clark-- - And please don't yell.

- Clark tried to kiss me last night.

- That's bold.

I don't think Clark's made a pass at anyone

since he got wasted at Britney Spears two years ago

and made out with some random in the front row.

(laughing)

How was it?

- Wouldn't know.

Cooper interrupted, Clark got all weird,

denied the whole thing ever happened, ran off to find Eddy.

Awesome.

- Tried to warn you about Clark and Eddy.

Clark is a slave to Eddy

and Eddy is a slave to her own warped psyche.

- I really thought I could help her.

- And you thought by helping Eddy you might also

open up Clark's eyes to the wonderful man you are, hm?

- Maybe.

But I was really getting through to her.

We were connecting, honestly.

- Maybe you were.

You can't coach someone like Eddy.

She's perfectly content with her own erratic behavior.

And you cannot help the crazies who love the crizazy.

- Don't I know.

I don't know what I was thinking, you're right.

You can't help someone who doesn't want help.

I'm an idiot.

- And also, if Clark couldn't see what a wonderful man

you are before you started jumping through hoops

for he and his client's careers,

well he's the idiot, not you.

- He's not an idiot.

He's a good guy, he's just maybe scared.

- I know that.

I love Clark too, but just because he's a great guy

does not mean he's gonna open up his heart to you.

What about Cooper?

He likes you.

He's not afraid to admit it.

- I don't like Cooper.

- Yeah.

This is LA, honey.

We are not lucky enough to be picky, okay?

(phone vibrating)

(pleasant music)

- [Cooper] Hey.

- Hey.

- I'm not mad at you, you know?

- Well, that's a relief.

- You don't need to be a smart-ass.

- Cooper, I wasn't trying to get in between you and Pearce.

- There is no me and Pearce.

- Fine.

There's no me and Pearce either.

- You sure about that?

- Stop.

Cooper, stop trying to be my relationship advisor.

You can barely keep a guy for a week.

- That's because I still love you.

You know that.

And I'm a jerk and I'm set in my ways and I'm stubborn

and I'm probably never gonna change.

But I will always love you.

But just because I couldn't be the guy

you needed me to be doesn't mean this guy can't.

- I'm perfectly capable on my own.

- We know that, we all know that.

You've proven it 10 times over.

Now, will you get over yourself and admit you like him?

- It's not that simple.

- It is that simple.

That's...

That's why you've been acting like such a baby all weekend.

You were jealous.

- Please.

- Look, I didn't come to start an argument.

We're leaving anyway.

I wanted to say that if I knew I liked him,

I would've backed off.

(somber music)

You can always be honest with me, Clark.

Take care.

- [Gage] Hey, would it be all right

if Goldie rides back with us?

- Sure, why not?

- You know what, sorry, babe,

I think I'm gonna ride back with them too.

Besides, you and Clark have things you need to talk about.

(chuckling)

- Hey, listen, I'm sorry about--

(shushing)

- No worries.

Thanks for having us up here.

One of the best weekends I've had in awhile.

A welcome change from all the glam and glitter of LA.

- Okay, wait for me, wait for me.

- Well, maybe it's not so much the glitter.

Look--

- [Goldie] Goodbye, Pearce, with the piercing eyes.

- Goodbye, honey.

- Give Clark some time, all right?

Deep down, he knows who he is.

He just has trouble showing it to the rest of us.

He's too busy trying to carry us all on his back.

Trust me, he's worth the wait.

- I'm not so sure he feels the same about me.

- Yeah, he does.

You might be long gone by the time he admits it to himself

or anyone else, but it's definitely down there.

And if you two do get together,

be ready to take good care of him.

(chuckling)

- Okay. - All right, good luck.

- Thanks.

(sighing)

(horn honking)

- What the hell?

- They left.

Looks like it's you and me.

Is that okay?

- Yeah.

Yeah.

(pleasant piano music)

- Well, that was only the most awkward 30 minute drive

of my life.

Are we gonna talk about this?

- Look, I'm sorry that Eddy left

without finishing the retreat.

Once I find her a new publicist,

I'll see if I can get her back on.

- If Eddy wants to keep working with me, fine.

After this weekend, I can see her potential too.

But it has to be her choice.

Not yours or mine.

But I'm not talking about Eddy, Clark.

You know that.

I'm talking about us.

- I don't think there can be an us, Pearce.

- Why?

- Because we have a professional relationship.

- That's a terrible excuse and you know it.

- Look, right now I don't have time for a relationship.

- That's bullshit.

If you like someone, you make the time.

- You saw what happened this weekend.

I leave Eddy alone for, what, two seconds

and the world turns upside down?

And now with TJ gone too, it's only gonna get worse.

- I can still help.

- Eddy is not your problem, Pearce.

- And she's not your boyfriend, Clark.

She's your career.

You're not her babysitter, okay?

You're her manager.

She's a grown woman.

- Okay, but right now, she needs me for more.

All of my clients need me for more.

- What if I said I need you for more, huh?

- I tell you I can give you a friendship.

Look, Pearce,

I'm sorry.

It's just, right now, I can't be responsible

for someone else's feelings.

It's too much.

- That's crap.

You're just scared.

You're scared that if you give me a chance,

you give up control.

- All right, maybe on some level you're right.

But right...

Right now doesn't change anything.

Okay, I can't, I'm sorry.

- What's so bad about giving up control for once, huh?

To let someone else take care of you?

- I don't need anyone to take care of me, Pearce.

Okay?

I never have.

Cooper needed me, I never needed him.

And I'm sorry, but I just don't need you either.

- Just like you don't need that family

you abandoned back in Texas, huh?

Listen to me, Clark, you did need Cooper.

You needed him to need you.

Just like you need Eddy and your clients

and all of your friends to need you.

But look, if you're not careful,

you're gonna end up just like all those beautifully creative

but miserably sad people I watched growing up.

'Cause in the end, it doesn't matter

how many dinner parties you hosted or how many matches

you made or how big your clients' careers are.

Your clients will move up.

The matches will make families.

And rest assured that when your friends

find someone that makes them happy,

they will leave you to, it's called life.

And eventually, you're gonna have to start living yours.

'Cause if you don't, you're gonna be left alone.

Saying goodnight to nothing but an empty bed.

(somber music)

(sighing)

- Hey, Eddy.

You here?

- [Eddy] Is he in there?

- He says he's still not talking to you.

- Crap.

- [Clark] I understand.

I understand that, I understand.

- Hi. - But I can promise you

that she is an investment risk that will pay off.

(sighing)

- I'm sorry. - I am far too busy

finding you a new publicist to accept

your worthless apologies at this moment in time, scram.

Yeah, uh-huh.

- Yeah, but I can't leave until I talk to you.

I can't leave until I talk to you.

- You have a fitting for the CW pilot

in a few hours so I hope you're not planning

on sticking around long enough to miss that.

- Clark.

Oh my god, I'm sorry, please.

Come on, please.

I'll be your bitch dog, I'll be your bitch dog.

(panting)

(barking)

- No, there's not a dog in my office.

- Oh, sh, sh.

(barking)

- [Clark] There is no dog.

(howling)

(panting)

- If you can't make him laugh,

something is seriously wrong here.

- There is nothing wrong.

Now will you please get the hell

out of my office and leave me alone?

- I need my sunglasses.

- Take your glasses.

Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out.

Okay.

No, no no no, not you.

Hello?

Hello.

(sighing)

- He's a vampire, duh.

Look at his pale skin.

God.

He is her one true love.

- Aw. - I know.

- Crock of shit.

- Oh, whatever.

I know for a fact he's read all four books.

They're under his bed.

(laughing)

He is not even sulking about me.

This is about that boy.

(gasping)

- Oh believe me, it has plenty to do with you.

- Did something happen after I left?

Something happened after I left, didn't it?

- Well, TJ did insist on riding with me and Gage

so that Clark and Pearce could talk.

(shrieking)

- Clark.

What happened?

- Nothing.

- Clark, did you hurt that poor boy's feelings?

What did you say to him?

- Why would you care about his feelings?

- Because he's crazy about you.

- And how in the hell did you pick up

on something like that?

You still think a well drink

is something you order when you're feeling sick.

- [Goldie] And that open bar means during business hours.

- Enough.

You know what, I know exactly what you're doing.

I saw you do the same thing five years ago with Cooper.

- I have no idea what you're talking about.

- Yes, you do.

You like him, don't you?

You like Pearce.

Just admit it.

You know what, you've been bitching about the same guys

in this city for the past two years.

And now you finally met somebody different

and it scares the shit out of you.

(upbeat music)

- Oh god.

- What did you do?

(vomiting)

Oh my god, is he dying?

- Worse, I think he's in love.

(groaning)

(sniffing)

Are you ready to admit it now?

- Fine.

For some strange reason, I am drawn to him,

but it doesn't change anything.

I can't be with him.

- Why?

- Because he's...

He's too granola.

- Okay, well he bathes, so try again.

- He's too messy.

- Have you looked in the mirror lately?

(laughing)

- Fine.

He's too kind.

And caring.

He's too giving.

Ugh.

He's too good for me.

- Clark.

Hey.

No man is too good for you.

Okay?

You just have finally met your match.

- She's right.

It's like when Gage told me he can only date me

in my Gucci dress if he's drunk.

So I told him, "If you look for reasons

"to not let someone in, you're always gonna find 'em."

And now look, we're going steady.

- Oh, well thank you, Oprah Homo.

Listen, how often do you find a guy,

a decent guy, that you're even attracted to, huh?

You know, think about it.

My own parents stopped having children after me

because they were so terrified that a younger sibling

couldn't tolerate me.

And you know, Pearce not only tolerates me,

but I think he actually kinda likes me.

And how else are you gonna find anyone else

that can stand to be around me, huh?

- But I'm worried.

I mean, what if it doesn't work out

and I just end up hurting him?

- I think you already are by not giving him a chance.

- What if he ends up hurting me?

- Duh.

I'll kill him.

(laughing)

- But you do realize that if I were to start dating someone,

you wouldn't be able to sleep over as often.

(laughing)

- Please.

You're kidding, right?

Man, the only reason I stay over

as much as I do now is so your tired,

pathetic, lonely ass isn't wasting away at home.

Oh man, trust me, I would so much rather

be living it up in my big, expensive house in the Hills.

I mean, I'll come over

and eat leftovers every once in awhile.

But...

Hey, listen to me good.

Clark Matthew Townsend, I don't care if the man

does speak to his dog like it understands him,

he is a needle in a gay-stack, okay?

And you need to stop worrying about all of us.

And you need to stop preparing

for the life that you don't have.

And start living the one that you do, okay?

So, get your perky ass home and brush those nasty,

vomit teeth, and go get your mud bath-loving,

sewage shake-drinking, wilderness geek

before someone else does, okay?

- When did you become so smart?

- Well, you signed me, so I had to live

up to the old Hollywood ways.

I've only ever done what you've told me.

(scoffing)

- Oh.

- Woo.

(applause)

- Go team.

(sighing)

- Really?

- I'm so sorry.

- Oh, don't tell you're gutting this again already.

- No.

No, no no no no, no no no, not that, no.

Look, it's like what you said about the city, right?

Having been there as long as I have, you forget who you are.

And you try and protect what little bits

of yourself that you have left.

It's scary for me to open up to anyone, Pearce.

Especially someone who is as comfortable with himself

and who knows himself as well as you do.

- But, Clark, you do know yourself.

Otherwise, why do you think so many people

would depend on you like they do?

That's actually what I like about you most.

Look, all I wanted since we met was a chance.

I can't promise you it was gonna work.

I've never even done this but I can tell you

I was gonna put everything I have

into trying to make it work and it's just--

- Just stop, shut up, okay?

I should be the one convincing you.

I should've been honest with myself.

From the first time that I saw your smile that day.

Because I knew then.

Okay?

I'm sorry that it took my stupid ass mouth this long

to express what I've apparently been wanting all this time.

- Fine.

I accept your apology.

And I appreciate the way you expressed your sentiments,

but just so you know, I'm still a little bit pissed.

And I may need to hear them again, all right?

- Fair enough.

So what now?

- I don't know.

Maybe we can cook some dinner

and then have a little goodnight.

- That sounds perfect.

No more empty bed.

(sweet music)

(uplifting acoustic music)

♪ Oh

♪ Oh

♪ Sitting by myself

♪ Just wasting time

♪ On some distant memory

♪ Thinking about my life

♪ Where I went wrong

♪ Like I need more misery

♪ Then you came around

♪ Caught my eye

♪ This feeling's rushing over me ♪

♪ You turned and gave me a smile ♪

♪ I could not move

♪ Then you turned and walked away ♪

♪ Where you going to