Original subtitles

Hi, Billy, it would be great if we could maybe

have an ice cream, as friends.

Miri, you're fired.

Oh! Oh, well, that's fine.

You're like Paul McKenna making me do that.

You will always be alone!

Oh, fuck off and die!

Anna?

I'm so sorry.

Apparently it's where some girl bludgeoned someone to death.

Why was she so angry with me, Mandy?

I used to just lie awake trying to work out what I'd done.

Lara could be like that, though.

I fired her and, and she went nuts.

She said she was going to do something.

Something bad, she said.

To light a fire after you've been fired,

that's just showing off with words and arson.

COUNTDOWN BEEPS

There are warnings of gales in Thames, Dover and Wight.

The area forecasts for the next 24 hours.

German, Bite, Humber.

West or south-west, four or five, increasing seven,

to severe gale nine.

Dover, Wight.

Happy birthday.

No, it's not.

Oh, for God's sake.

What on Earth is Miri doing?

Put your glasses on, Caroline.

I was midway through an extremely spicy new-dle soup,

when "boom", I get the call.

Miri Matteson, possible arson.

Oh, and she shouted an old bag to death.

I nearly threw up.

Come, sign here.

Have you ever thrown up new-dles before, Miri?

No. I did.

One of came out at full length.

Fuck noodles, Janice. I don't care.

And anyway, sorry, it's not "newdle," it's noodle.

Yeah, that's what I said, new-dles.

No, noodle.

Ah, just forget it.

This did not need to happen, I didn't do anything.

The good news is you didn't do anything.

I know. The bad news, it's going to take the community

a bit longer to catch up.

Have you seen this?

Hilarious.

Oh, my God. None of this is true.

Well... Oh, doe-eyed manipulator, we're back to that.

They would never ever describe a man like that. This is bullshit.

..well, you need to go to that meeting and tell them that.

What meeting?

Forget I said it. Janice.

They're rounding up the town for a meeting at the school later.

You're public enemy number one.

Oh, for God's sake.

There's been a lot of bad juju since you've come back.

Yeah, but it's not my juju.

And I can tell you why it's not my juju, because I don't even,

don't even, don't even have any juju,

because I don't know what juju is. And if someone just...

If they just bothered to come up to me and talk to me...

This too shall pass.

Probably. Well, hopefully.

Yeah, all right, all right.

Sometimes it doesn't though, does it?

Miri Matteson. Cos it just gets worse.

Do I just..? Which means it did pass, but it didn't get better.

So, in that case, you wish that it hadn't passed.

Honestly, this is too much.

It's horrid.

I thought things were getting better.

Someone's put a lot of effort into it.

This is exactly what she wears...but ironed.

You can hate us, but don't punish the planet.

It's a very nice butter knife.

Rinse your tins, whoever you are.

Oh, don't let them win. It's your birthday.

We're together as a family,

we're going to have a wonderful day. Aren't we, Miri?

Yes, Mummy.

There, see?

Where is Miri, anyway?

She should be up by now.

You've got one friend.

Ah, thanks, Janice.

Nah, not me.

I'm your probation officer, I meant the man who got you out.

What man?

Ah, the foreign fella.

He saw you on the beach.

Your alibi.

Gorgeous.

Here, he wanted me to give you this.

Oh, I'd love a big bear like that.

Very nice.

Yeah, I know this is controversial, but I do love me a bit of back hair.

Miri?

Miri!

Why are we meeting here?

We could've just met in a cafe.

Can you, can you tell me what is going on?

As a detective this has been my toughest case, Miri.

I know why Lara was so angry with you that night.

Well, tell me.

You know already, don't you, Miri?

Sorry, what are you talking about?

Lara was angry at you, because she figured out your little secret.

You were sleeping with Lara's father, Mr Boback.

What? Oh, no, no, no.

No. Yes, you did.

I think I would remember if I was sleeping with my best friend's dad.

Let me finish. I didn't have sex with an old policeman!

So, Lara finds out that you're scissoring her dad.

Excuse me, sci...? Scissoring.

What? Oh, wow.

Here, it's all in the book.

The book? Yes.

So, Lara bites you,

savage rage, you push her back, she dies.

And then he tells you that you have to be quiet...

Oh. ..otherwise you will die.

And you go to jail, so no-one will ever know

that Chief Inspector Boback likes to swim in school girl soup.

I didn't sleep with him.

This didn't happen.

None of this is true.

OK.

OK.

I must've taken a wrong turn.

Who are you and who, who do you work for?

Self-funded, self-taught.

Oh, God.

I actually thought that you were going to help me.

I will.

No! Just drop it and go and get a proper job!

Look, it's my dad's birthday, I slept in a cell

and I'm going to go home now.

Oh, happy birthday.

No, it's my dad's birthday, it's not my birthday.

Oh. Got that one wrong too, Poirot.

Well, thank God you're home.

So sorry, guys.

This isn't your present, it's just your veggie box.

Oh, it's not your fault.

Your father's going to sue the police.

No, I want to throttle Tina, taking you in like that.

You didn't do anything. Oh, somebody phoned them and told them that I did so... Who?

I don't know. Ohh, what is that?

You. What?

We found it hanging in the front garden. Um, it's a, an effigy.

It doesn't look anything like me. I, I have a face.

Well, they've brushed your hair, that's something.

Oh, is it? Why is it sitting at the table?

Did you make it a cup of tea?

Well, it was cold and we didn't want to throw you away.

Ideally we'd shred you and use you for roof insulation.

Oscar.

Oh, God! No, no, no, no, no.

What, what? What's wrong? It can't be poo.

Potatoes, it's all potatoes.

Haven't we suffered enough?

It's not personal, it's just whatever's in season.

Oh, yeah. Well, uh, sorry, maybe I overreacted.

Do you remember when Marion got nothing but turnips?

Well, now, that's personal. PHONE RINGS

Sorry, Dad. I've ruined your birthday

and I haven't even got you a present.

You are my present, Miri. Oh.

I've got you this year. We'll have a lovely day.

Can't get any worse.

Miri. Cake's ready, I need two pairs of hands, we'll pop into town.

I can hear you, darling.

Oh, do you know what? I think I might stay here, I'll just

avoid the witch hunt. Oh.

You have done nothing wrong.

Well... Recently.

Hold your nerve.

OK.

I'll pick up the cake, if you get these.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, it's not...

..great.

Ignore them, can't even spell.

Yeah.

Yeah, but I didn't actually...with you.

I know, I know. So, it's, uh, it's, you know, it's wrong.

You know, me shagging you.

All right.

No, no, come on. Not cos you're...

..not cos you're terrible, it's just that...

..I did love her, you know.

I was, I was younger, but, uh...

..I'm not some kind of playboy, I'm not like that.

Of course.

They, uh...

..they said they don't want me at the funeral, the family.

Oh, Billy. Oh, my God.

I liked you, but I would've never have been unfaithful.

Look, let me sort this out.

I will go, I will go and talk to each and every one of them

and I will force them to understand.

I mean, obviously, in a, in a very non-threatening way.

Yeah.

I don't think there's going to be ice cream again.

Cool, OK.

That's fine.

I can go on my own, if you like.

No, no, it's cool.

Oh. No, I'm having a bad enough day already.

Miri, oh, shit. I'm sorry, like, I'm so fucking sorry.

I was kind of expecting it, to be honest, anyway.

Really?

Wow, cos, like, I, I-I wasn't.

Kind of came as a bit of a surprise.

Look, I have handled worse, so, uh, can we just,

just not talk about it, just never talk about it again, all right?

OK, wow.

You are so amazing and you look great for your age.

Oh, yeah, well, prison's really good for your skin, it's anti-ageing.

You look fit, though, so, like, I still would.

What you doing?

Well, I'm just saying what I feel about your,

about your face and your tits.

Oh, my God, is this the only way that you can talk to me?

Have you not evolved, at all? Huh?

Do you know what? It's never going to happen.

I am never going to have sex with you.

Firstly, you're not my type...at all, any more.

And secondly, you are a married man with twins.

My basket used to be so much sexier than this.

What, just rammed full of lube, olives and body oil?

Like hand cream and candles.

Christ. Fucking twins.

You know what? You do, you do look really, really awful.

Yeah, well, you, you look like shit, yourself.

That's better, well done.

I do look like shit.

I tried to find you yesterday.

I was with Mandy.

Oh, poor you. She's an asshole.

No, she speaks highly of you, she says that you'd jizz on anything so.

Apart from her.

Did she say that about me? Yep.

Well, she'd shag anything.

Apart from you.

I thought you were going to kill me.

Your dad gave me this black eye,

I thought you'd at least do the other one.

Why did my dad give you a black eye?

North-west seven to severe gale nine.

Occasionally storm ten, at first.

Rough or very rough.

Thundery rain, poor.

DIAL TONE

Oh, I need to talk to Mandy.

She's at that meeting about the killer girl.

She should be locked up, if you ask me.

Aw, I was.

For 18 years, you idiot.

Thought 70 deserves a suit.

Still fits...

..in most areas.

Where's Miri?

Oh, Oscar, you have to come with me.

Where could she be?

It's a small town, we'll find her.

One at a time, people!

A dead old lady on a lawn, arson,

bricks through windows, this town isn't safe now she's back.

OK, Lisa. She should be locked up.

She's unstable.

No, I'm not! Jesus Christ.

This has gone way too far.

Right, hi, hello.

I'm pretty angry right now, so I may not come across very well, which is...

Nasty psycho!

..really, really, really annoying, cos I'm actually very,

very, very, very, very nice and stable, aren't I?

Can be. Yes.

Huh! Yeah, right.

OK.

That woman, Anna, she had a heart attack. Boom, dead.

What about the brick?

And somebody threw that brick at me. Look, look, can you see?

You threw that brick. I can't see anything.

Ah. That's just a normal head.

Please, I am not a bad person.

I am a good person. You killed someone!

I mean, I, I mean, I...I am a good person who did a really terrible,

terrible thing but, but we all do terrible things.

Come on, we all do!

I set fire to my truck.

It was me. See! Sor...what?

I know, I just did it.

For the insurance.

You framed me?

Yeah. Sorry, I, um...

We are here to discuss the release of a violent

psychopath into our town.

And the parking on Dixon Street.

No, there's a separate committee for that.

She is evil and this is a community full of decent, God-fearing people.

Oh, shut up, Lisa. You spent the summer screwing your choir master.

Oh, didn't see you there, Martin. Now you know.

You can talk, everyone knows what you've been up to.

Uh, keep it civil. She's right.

And I'm here to make amends.

I'm sorry I hurt you.

I hurt my own daughter.

Yes, you did.

And I had chlamydia.

Because I gave it to him.

Because I, I gave to her and maybe one or two other people in...

Oh, Dom, not again!

..in this room, you should probably get yourself checked. Sorry, Brenda.

Can we just stay on topic, please?

Why don't you just move?

Why don't you move?

I've just re-mortgaged.

Nobody has to move.

Because you want to kill us all?

I'll kill you all before she does.

Dad, don't. He doesn't mean that.

Well, he might.

Graffitiing our house, effigies, shitting in boxes, you...

That was someone else, Dad. ..well, I'll kill them, too.

No, they're already dead, so you don't have to, it doesn't matter.

Has anyone got a phone charger?

Shut up, fire boy.

I've got a Samsung one.

Shut up! Shut up, all of you.

You are all awful people, all of you.

Miri Matteson is my friend and she did not kill that lady.

She is not dangerous.

She didn't steal your hanging baskets and she hasn't joined ISIS.

Sue? No, Sue, come on.

And can I just add to that, that I did not have sex

with Mr Boback, which I was accused of today.

I. Um, I think it was Mandy that was shagging him.

What? Well, that was the rumour, anyway.

What's...

...but did you, did you...?

Man?

Um, so back to the, um, chlamydia situation.

Yeah, it, the thing is it can lie dormant.

Mandy?

MANDY CRIES

Is it true? Were you sleeping with Mr Boback?

Answer me!

Please?

Look, um...

..I'm not angry with you, I just, I just want to know if you're OK.

OK, if you don't want to speak, then, um,

let's do that thing that we used to do at school, do you remember?

Is my name Miri?

Yes.

That's great.

Good. Uh, is my fringe terrible?

Oh, yeah.

Yes, it is, thank you so much.

OK, um...

..is what Dom said true? Were you really sleeping with Mr Boback?

Christ, Mandy!

Why didn't you tell me?

Did Lara know? Did she know the night she died?

So, is that why she was so angry with me? Did she think that I knew about it?

She didn't think it was me, did she?

Did she think that I slept with her dad?

I didn't want her to hate me.

Did you lie?

And did you tell her it was me?

Mandy!

Did you lie and tell her I was sleeping with her dad!?

None of this had to happen.

Get out of there, now.

Get out of there, now!

Get out of there, I'm going to fucking kill you!

I don't...Fuck you! You fucking...FUCK YOU!

MUSIC PLAYS

I'm sorry.

North-westerly six, decreasing westerly three or four,

showers becoming fair, moderate, becoming good.

PIANO MUSIC PLAYS

# Patiently wait

# For the day will be soon

# Sings the moon

# All will be bright

# With the sun... #

Noodle.

New-dle.

Noodle.

FOOTSTEPS

Well...

..I, uh, I saw you here and I got these.

Thank you.

Um, what, what changed your mind?

Oh, uh, well, I went for a big walk

and I realised how, how small we all are

and I thought, "Everything's got a bit shit."

So, I got us two ice creams.

Do you want to come sit down?

Oh, thanks.

There you are. Thank you.

You're welcome.

So, Miri...

..you look sad.

Yeah, I am a bit.

None of it needed to happen. Hm.

My best friend...

died... Mm-hm.

..hating me for something that...

..I didn't do and I can't tell her that it's not true.

She knows now.

What?

Well, I think, when you..

..when you die,

you become everything, like the, the sea and the air, so...

..so you know everything.

That would be nice, that would be really nice.

Well, that's why dead people aren't allowed to, sort of,

do pub quizzes. Cos they...

That's terrible. ..ugh.

I just want to start my life. I feel like I'm not allowed.

That's rubbish, this is it.

What?

Your life, it's happening...

..now.

Now! Now. OK.

Yeah.

Just...

..look at that.

You know? Yeah, all right.

All right.

Give us your hand.

They're quite big.

Aren't they? Maybe you've got really small hands.

No, no, I just, I, I went for it and it felt like a...

..flipper.

When did you hold a flipper last?

Last week.

But I can see what it is now, proportionately it's

the fingers, isn't it? They're a lot longer than... They're longer.

..yeah. Good for, good for getting stuff out of bottles.

I've honestly never tried that.

Something to look forward to.

# Beetles and eggs and blues and poor little everything else

# You steam a lens Stable eyes and glass

# Like you're pissed off through my bird lips

# Good news

# You'll hang the hearts black and dull as the night

# We hanged your pass and start being as you in ecstasy

# Still being cried and laughed at before

# Should I be sung and unbroken by not saying... #