Original subtitles

Mum, Mum, Mum! Shit!

Why can't I do anything right? Because you don't do anything right!

Maybe it's in the car and it fell out of your pocket.

I'm sure I had it.

Shit. It was my wife!

HE GROANS

Viking!

You look terrible.

But you're mine.

I know.

Hello.

You killed someone!

You're married.

Ah, fuck.

Even best friends have secrets, Mandy.

How do you know my name?

Hello, Mr Boback.

Hi, Billy.

Ah.

Bush, it-it-it smells funny.

Oh, I'll remember to wash it next time, stinky old bush. SHE CHUCKLES

It-it's, er...

..it's got powdery mildew.

Wh-what, your bush?

Oh, no, that was a joke, um, about my, um...it doesn't matter.

I'm sorry, you got... You've got a smelly bush?

Just cos you said that yours was... SHE LAUGHS WEAKLY

Mine's got an actual disease, Miri.

Yeah, um, I was really happy that you were talking to me and, er...

..and so then I-I just panicked and I made a really shit joke.

Oh!

HE LAUGHS Oh, I see, I get it, the...

Yeah, no, there's nothing to get, cos it's not even slightly funny.

But what I really meant to say was, it's nice to see you

and it would be great if we could maybe, I don't know,

hang out again one day. Have an ice cream - as friends.

Because I had a really nice day with you,

and I hope that you did too, so...

Can I think about it? Of course, yeah.

Right, I'd better... Yeah, sure.

Sure. Going to go.

Bush.

Look, it's ten o'clock in the morning, Caroline, my-my porridge hasn't settled.

Ow!

Oscar, you need to relax.

I am relaxed.

Oh!

HE LAUGHS Bloody hell. What are you doing, Caroline?

I'm-I'm just trying to... It tickles. Relax.

OK.

HE BREATHES DEEPLY

HE FARTS Oscar.

I'm so sorry.

I will not be defeated by a fart.

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

Hello, there, pretty girl.

Hi.

I saw you and Billy making amends

and I want to apologise too.

I have a jealous streak.

I really appreciate that, um, and I'm so sorry too,

I had no idea that you guys were...

Let us never mention it again.

It's hard, isn't it?

Life.

Yeah.

How are you? I'm good, thanks.

Fresh start. New beginnings.

Well, it's, um, it's a lovely day, so...

Isn't it? Crisp.

Ah, there's nothing quite like winter sun, is there? Hmm.

How are you? Oh, I feel fabulous.

Thank you for asking.

Oh, I'm so glad.

Light as a feather.

Clean as a whistle, inside and out. Oh. SHE CHUCKLES

I do wonder, though, sometimes.

Oh, what do you wonder?

I wonder what it's like, being a harlot.

Slut.

Killer.

A man stealer.

Cunty head. Um...

A great big fat fucker fuckity fucker.

All right, you're obviously having a bad day, so I'm-I'm not

going to take offence.

Oh, I'm very well. Right now, never been better.

Just a woman in her prime taking a good, hard look

at a psycho, husband-stealing fuck biscuit

casually bathing her sin in the sun...

Wow...

..while she should be rotting to death in a prison cell!

That's really nice.

Look, it's not working, I-I need to get back to my...

No, it's been too long.

We need to make it part of our routine, like porridge.

Porridge? Yes.

But a bit sexier.

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

Slut fucker.

Shit slit.

Sorry, can you just stop it now? Stop it.

Rot. Rot, rot.

Dirty little prison killer.

You don't know anything about me. Just leave me alone.

Stop being so mean!

I know you've got a great big hungry pussy and nobody wants it.

Not my husband.

No-one!

You will always be alone!

Oh, fuck off and die!

THUD

Anna?

Anna? Oh...

Anna?

RADIO CHATTER

Poor woman. I never got to know her.

Now we definitely won't. HE CHUCKLES

Hello, Tina. Mrs Matteson, Mr Matteson.

Um, Miri Matteson, can I have a quick word?

Actually, I'm a bit late for work, so... Mm.

Apparently the deceased was talking to that psycho

that killed Chief Inspector Boback's girl.

Yeah, I'm-I'm with her now, Rick.

So, er, apparently you were the last person to speak to the deceased.

Yeah, we, er, we did converse, yes.

Right, and what was said?

Er, we just had a chat, yeah.

Yeah, what did she say? Said it's nice weather.

Well, yeah. Yeah, it is lovely.

So, I said, yes, it is and then said it was crisp.

Crisp? Yeah. Yeah, it is crisp. Mm-hm.

Er, yeah, she seemed, really, very lucid.

Interesting. Yeah...

Um, but then...she sort of changed tack. OK.

So, conversationally, it went in a different direction. SHE LAUGHS

OK. In sort of... For example?

Slut, whore, shit slit, dirty little, er, husband fucker,

rot, rot in prison you killer, killer, killer,

killer, killer, killer....

Killer.

Killer. Stuff like that.

Right. Anything else? SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Um... Come on, it is important.

She said that I...

She said that I had a great big greedy pussy, so... OK.

Is that true?

What? Sorry? What? No!

All right, calm down. It's a fair question.

I am calm.

Right.

And, um, what was your response?

I didn't really say, ah...

SHE MUMBLES

No, I mean, did you say anything to her before she died?

Er, fuck off and die.

I mean, I'm aware that doesn't... doesn't sound very...very good.

No. But you can see how I got there. You know, I just... I snapped.

Snapped! Right. No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. Oh, my God.

No, no, or yes?

No, well, yeah, no, but just... This is...

Can I just say that this is incredibly...

This is really rubbish for me.

Worse for her.

Well, let's just see what the coroner's report says, yeah?

Oh, come on, you can't, like, you know, like, with words...

That's just....

Ah, sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

OK, well, we all know that isn't true.

Tina tiny tits, you're so weak, you're a freak.

So you smile through your tears and you just say,

"Words will never hurt me."

And then, um, and then you become a policewoman with a truncheon.

So, er, I'll be in touch, yeah?

OK.

Billy, I can explain everything.

Just leave me alone.

I'm so sorry. SHE SIGHS

DOOR SLAMS Oh, Christ.

Billy I'm not a bad person, it was just a very,

very unfortunate coincidence.

Shit.

INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER

What? Show's over, go and have your breakfast.

Ah, you found me, then.

I'm so sorry, I had an awful morning.

Thanks for coming back.

So, um, what happened to the shop?

This is the shop now.

Yeah, it's much better.

Nimbler. You can't drive a shop around.

Are you sleeping here? A bit...

It's fun.

It's like bivouacking. Oh, my God, it's because of me.

Look, it's not easy having a murd...

Murderer or murderess, which do you prefer? Neither?

Erm...a killer front of house.

Puts people off, unless it's Halloween

and you're making a thing of it. Anyway, they will come round.

It's not like you're going to be killing anyone else, is it?

Errrr...

Oh, fuck. No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, don't panic, don't panic, no. No.

Look, she was my neighbour, she was very, very old,

we were just talking and...

..she died, but it's absolutely fine. It's fine.

Not for her! No, obviously not for her.

Having the grim reaper for a neighbour.

It was a tragic coincidence.

Maybe you should warn people, carry a scythe or something.

Actually not fair, that's not... OK. ..very nice.

Ah, shit the bed. Are you, are you OK?

It's all too much. Are you all right?

It's all too much, Miri.

Just breathe. Just have a little breathe, OK?

HE SIGHS Nathan, you need to fire me. No.

Just do it. I can't.

Well, then I'm going to do it, I'm going to fire myself.

But I don't want you to. Wait there, wait a second.

Miri, you're fired.

Oh, oh, well, that's fine,

thank you so much for giving me a chance, Nathan.

That's all right, bye, Miri.

It's done. It was really easy.

You're like Paul McKenna, making me do that.

That's what they say.

You know what? It could be worse.

You could be me.

That's true. SHE LAUGHS

Bye, Nathan.

Good luck. Keep your pecker up.

Anything? No.

Think of me with another woman, hm?

And imagine I'm maybe rubbing cream into her.

Oh, er.

No. What? I saw that dead woman.

Think of someone else. Well, who?

Marilyn Monroe? Grace Kelly?

More dead women? SHE SIGHS

Look, maybe we just, er... Squidge it in.

Oh... SHE CHUCKLES I'm sorry, but...

I really want to, I just...

I just don't know why I can't.

Don't worry, darling.

We'll sort this out.

Together.

Stop stalking me.

You killed your neighbour's wife? No, I did not.

Well, you're trending on local Twitter. Oh, for God's sake.

I'm only getting in cos I don't have a phone, don't get excited.

Give it to me.

SHE SIGHS Oh, God, this is ridiculous, I-I didn't do anything.

Who was that weird guy asking questions about you

yesterday with the beard?

I don't really know, some kind of investigator. Oh, my God, who are these people?

Investigator? I don't like him, he's creepy. Oh, social media is evil.

Miri, you're not listening, he creeped me out,

I think he wants to turn us into The Human Centipede.

People think I've killed someone,

so I've got slightly bigger things to worry about right now.

Have you ever seen The Human Centipede?

No, but I read it. Like, on Monday he has a plum,

on Tuesday he has an apple, then he eats a bit more fruit,

has a bit of cake, turns into a butterfly, flies away.

To be honest, I would absolutely love to be him right now.

That's The Hungry Caterpillar.

Oh, right, what's The Human Centipede?

It's when your mouth gets sewn to someone's arsehole.

Oh. Oh, that's a bit more concerning. Yes, it is.

Listen, can you do me a favour?

I need to get my neighbour a present - can you lend me

some money and just drive me, drive me to a shop?

I mean, I do actually have a staff meeting, which, um...

It means fuck all, so, yeah, why not. Yay.

SHE LAUGHS It's like the old days. What is?

You and me, on an adventure.

We never went anywhere.

Yeah, we did! Spliffs on the beach, the arcades...

..the Co-op.

My main memory is me waiting a few feet away while you got

fingered in pretty much any location by pretty much anyone.

Can you drive? Yeah, all right, but get down.

Why? No, seriously, I can't be seen with you.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Down. Why? Lower.

SHE SCOFFS

You know, to help...with things...

..down there. Canesten Pessary for thrush?

To encourage firmness.

In the stool? No! You know...

They're blue.

I'm sorry. For men...downstairs.

Bruised testicles.

Viagra!

Bloody Viagra.

No. Sorry, we sold out.

They've sold out.

Everyone old is having sex.

Oh. You!

Oh, my God.

SHE BREATHES HEAVILY

Hey, man, I'm just getting nappies.

Not fucking scared of you.

I fired her and-and she went nuts.

She threatened me, she said she was going to do something,

something bad, she said.

Probably tonight.

Like what, sir?

I really don't know. I really don't know.

And what's the name of this angry woman?

Miri Matteson. That's her name.

Big surprise. On it, sir. Thank you.

Shit. HE SIGHS

You think I should get him a card as well? Sorry, don't talk to me.

I can't be seen with you.

You're just going to leave me?

I need to get my wine.

Oh, my God! It's you. Yes.

You know, my mum is your biggest fan.

Really? No.

HE CHUCKLES She does not like you.

You're a murderer. And she says you dress funny.

Great, can I just... I just want to buy a plant, so...

Did you wear that in prison? No. Can I just... Can I buy this, please?

This plant? Yeah. No. I want to buy it. No.

Please can I buy it? No.

Phil Sollen.

Hello, Miss Samantha, hi.

Are you still being a nasty little bully?

Er...

Yes, Miss. Do you know what happens to bullies?

No, Miss. Do you want to find out?

No. No. Now stop being a disgrace and you serve this woman.

That's £4.99.

So I take it you were a bit of a wiener at school.

Not a wiener. It was really nice watching you suffer a little bit,

because you're a bit of an arsehole.

That was amazing, I like your headmistress voice.

Shut up. Oh, sorry, Miss. SHE LAUGHS

Why don't you hate me?

I do. A bit. Good.

But I have a part to play in this.

I haven't been a husband to you lately.

Oscar, please. No, but it's true.

It is over.

I ended it.

For better or worse. Hm.

And this is extremely worse.

But...we've been through so much together, we can do this.

We start again as of today. Reset.

We will love one another and endure.

SHE SIGHS

SHE SNIFFS

What are you doing?

Magazines in the fire paper pile,

toxic fumes, very harmful, I've been meaning to.

Caroline I... We have a, um... HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Oh, God. I think I'm, er... HE LAUGHS

Are you... Are you... Keep going, keep going...

Go on, go on, yes.

Yes, yes, keep going.

Hey... HE LAUGHS

Don't you have kids to go home to?

I find parenting much easier after this. Oh.

So, er...

Mr "bush man", is he someone you'd want to, um...?

No, it's not...

Nah, it's not like that. THEY CHUCKLE

Are you still a virgin? No, no. No...

There was Dom. Oh. That was just the tip though, wasn't it?

Yeah, but he got most of it in and then he pulled out and he...

And he came on my, er, Jamie Oliver poster, which I don't...

I don't think that was intentional...

Christ. But it was just next to my bed.

THEY LAUGH

That's your definitive sexual experience. I know.

Oh, Dom is... He's a dirt bag. I mean...

He'd jizz on anything. Really? Mm. Ew...

Yuck.

Yeah, it's so weird, I always thought that my life

would be, like, 90% fanny, 10% other stuff,

but it's just not been about my fanny at all.

I've maintained an 80 fanny, 20 other stuff ratio.

That's really impressive for a headmistress. Yeah.

THEY LAUGH

It's not that easy, dating when everyone thinks you're a psychopath.

I don't.

Why was she so angry with me, Mandy?

I used to just...

..lie awake trying to work out what I'd done.

Lara could be like that, though.

Oh, come on, this was different, she was...

She was feral, she bit me, for fuck's sake.

Yeah, well...

Do you think she's looking down at us and laughing at our shit lives?

Probably. MIRI CHUCKLES

I miss her.

MANDY SIGHS Me, too.

I really miss you too, you know.

I have to get back home. Oh.

Wait! My bush is in your car.

Hang on.

BANGING ON DOOR

Hey, I need to speak to Miri.

She's not here. Miri!

Miri! I need to explain.

I mean, there's literally nowhere she could be hiding... Miri!

Mate, she's really not here.

Hey. Have you got any chips?

Have I got any chips? Yeah.

In my fish and chip van? Yeah.

What a question.

Um, no, I don't, actually, um...

..or fish.

Miri.

And no Miri either.

I'm kind of busy, and... HE GROANS

Miri!

Chips!

Hey. Hi. So I just, um, I got you a non-diseased bush.

Wow. Oh. Are you OK?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm a bit shocked but, in a way,

I suppose that's the way everyone wants to go, isn't it?

Is it? Well, yeah, you lead a full life, your heart just stops,

no pain, no suffering, you... You're peaceful.

Oh, I feel so dreadful. No, no, come on.

No, but I shouldn't have risen to it, she wasn't well and I was...

I was so awful back to her.

She shat in a box. What? The shit that you got.

Oh, my God, so she... She's the one who graffitied the house too?

No, no, she just posted shit to people that she hated,

that was her thing. That's why I don't talk to my mum any more.

All the other stuff, that was, er, that was probably the...

..the whole of the town. Oh, brilliant.

POLICE SIRENS WAIL

Oh, God. Wh-Who's...? Well, it's probably Tina, isn't it? Ah.

Yes, it's Tina.

Right, Miri Matteson, you need to come with me.

Er, no, I'm sorry, hang on, he will tell you that it was her heart,

I had nothing to do with it. Yeah, yeah, it was... It was her heart.

Oh, no, this isn't that. What?

You won't believe it, Tina, it's Miri Matteson again.

Yeah, yeah, I'm on it, Rick.

Listen, I know no-one likes being fired but to light a fire

after you've been fired, that's just showing off, with words.

And arson. What fire?

Excuse me, what-what's she done wrong? What's this about?

Oh, hi, sorry, I didn't see you standing there

behind this massive criminal. Come on.

Oh, my God, what is happening? What's happening?

Right, you were fired today. No, I fired myself.

OK, that doesn't even exist. It does because I did it.

Oh, "I did it" - that sounds like a confession to me.

No, to firing myself, not to... Not to arson.

Oh, so you're a police officer now, are you? No, I'm not a police officer.

Yeah, right, well, I am, 18 months and counting.

That's not even very long. It's whizzed by. Seems shorter.

Anyway, come on, get in the car.

But I haven't done anything. I haven't done anything.

Oh, I see. Sticks and stones might break my bones but, oh,

I won't get arrested for setting fire to my boss's food truck.

I didn't do that. I didn't. Look, let me speak to Nathan.

Do you know what happened to the girl that cried wolf? It was a boy and he got eaten.

Ah, OK. Well...

Do you know what happened to the liar? No, because...

Well, liar, liar, pants went on fire. Come on, come on.

Oh, my God, that's not even a thing. Yes, that is a thing.

PHONE VIBRATES

PHONE BEEPS

CELL DOOR SLAMS

SHE SIGHS

PHONE BEEPS

You have one new message.

I know who you are so stay the fuck away from me.

I mean it.

HE CHUCKLES