Original subtitles

Hi, Sir Rudolf?

Bobby, come, sit, relax.

Tell me about your career.

Was the world impressed?

Well, that’s the thing,

not much has happened.

So you're here for advice?

Wise words.

How to jump start a fledgling career.

Yes. Precisely.

Who are you?

I’m sorry?

Who are you?

Who the hell do you think you are,

turning down jobs, looking down on work?

An actor works!

An actor does everything!

There are no small roles,

only small actors.

Are you a small actor?

No.

No, I haven’t been turning down jobs.

I don’t even get job offers.

Oh, I see.

The rejected, dejected actor.

-Yes. I guess that’s me. -Your problem...

You think it’s about you.

It’s not personal.

It’s not you they want.

They want a reflection of themselves.

I don’t quite understand.

Forty years of acting multiple theater awards,

and it boils down to one thing.

Make.

Them.

Laugh.

Seriously?

No.

Comically.

Make them laugh at you or with you?

That’s the beauty. It doesn’t matter as long as they’re laughing.

Make them laugh and clap,

laugh and clap!

Sometimes...

...at the same time.

I really wanted to start acting after I saw the movie "The Graduate",

you know, Dustin Hoffman.

I don't know. I've never watched that.

Bit before your time.

Oh, not a big movie fan.

Well, you know, I'm an actor and so, you know...

Yeah.

-Sorry. -Yeah.

Why didn’t you just go home?

I was about to. She's so freakin' boring!

And she negated everything I said.

Sounds like Lingual.

Then Sir Rudolf’s voice came booming into my head.

Make them laugh.

Oh, Burger Man...

Yeah?

Meet Carolyn, my date.

Hey, Carolyn. My name is Burger Man.

You look really yummy.

I wanna kiss you.

Hey!

Look!

Look, Burger Man, it's your friend...

...Sandwich Girl.

Hi, my name is Sandwich Girl.

Hi, I'm Burger Man.

I wanna make out with you.

Yeah, I wanna lick your face.

Okay.

I don’t know about this. I’m not sure it sounds right.

You weren’t there.

It freakin' works with chicks!

But doesn’t it feel fake?

There’s nothing fake about it. It’s just a shift.

You give them what they want, not what we want. That’s the key.

I gotta do some research on dogs. I called up Dog Lover Girl for a date.

You couldn’t stand her!

That was before this little secret.

-Oh, look at this one! -Oh, my God!

-Oh, little UK doggie! -I know!

-She's a royal dog! -Royal dog.

Kiss the royal doggo.

-She loves you already. -Yeah!

Dogs love me!

-They do? That's wonderful! -Oh, yeah.

And dog lovers love me even better.

-Do they? I bet they do. -Oh, yeah.

Oh, so cute!

So you're really gonna talk to him?

Sure, if it annoys you that much and if he’s not being himself.

He tried to recite Sufi poetry to me.

That’s your domain.

Exactly!

I’ll stay down here. You go.

Okay.

So...

...Jimmy wants me to talk to you.

Okay?

Well, because you're annoying him.

Jimmy asked you to talk to you because...

...I'm being... I'm annoying him?

Yeah.

About what?

You're just being really annoying and fake and...

...doesn't like...

You're terrible. You're a terrible ambassador for Jimmy!

-He doesn't like... -I'll tell you what...

You know what you need a dose of...

The pupster.

Puppy love...

...Jane...

...puppy love!

I'll bite your nose with my puppy love!

So you did actually talk to him about it?

Yes, I did.

And he started doing some pretty ridiculous things.

-And then? -And then, I started laughing.

It’s not that bad, Jimmy.

He’s being fake. It’s not him, and you know that better than anyone.

But he’s actually funny. I like him better like this.

Are you serious?

You gotta loosen up, Jimmy.

Maybe Lingual’s starting to rub off on you.

I’m sorry.

I didn’t mean that.

Try to let it go.

Bob’s just having fun.

It's superficial.

It’s fun! Sometimes we just wanna have fun.

You’re too serious sometimes, Jimmy.

An adult dog has 42 teeth.

Bob.

I care about you, so I'm gonna tell you the truth.

What you’re doing with these girls isn’t ethical.

What?

Do you think it's fair that you’re seducing them under a pretense?

Is that ethical?

I’m entertaining, what’s wrong with that?

Are you jealous?

No.

You don’t have to be, you know. You can do it, too.

I don’t want you to do it.

It’s straight from Sir Rudolf’s mouth.

Are you questioning our acting guru’s words? Come on.

Bob, he was talking about acting.

Shakespeare.

All the world’s a stage...

...and all the men and women, merely players.

They have their exits and their entrances.

And one man, in his time, plays many parts.

Oh, by the way, I’m going out with Jane tomorrow night.

Really?

You wanna come along? I’ll show you how it works.

I’ve mastered your last lesson.

I have them laughing and clapping.

It works, doesn’t it?

Oh, yeah.

I’m ready to go deeper.

If you really want them praising you,

you have to cry.

I have to cry? Not them?

You!

Laugh, clap, cry.

It's what separates the actors...

...from the actors.

-Hi. -Hi, Jimmy.

Bob invited me.

Oh, I thought it was just gonna be Bob, but cool.

That's nice. Is it new?

Thanks. Kind of.

-Charles out of town? -Yeah.

So Bob was reading some Sufi poetry to me,

and what was that quote, it was...

...inspirational and nuanced and spiritual all at once.

-Janey! -Hello!

Oh, wow, that is gorgeous.

-DVF? -Yes!

So we were just talking about her the other day...

Bob was talking designers with you?

So, guys, sorry I'm late, but how's the party been without me?

A bit moody.

Let's see if we can’t change that.

Hey, dessert anyone?

Oh, you know what I like. You order.

I’m gonna go powder my nose.

I think I’m gonna leave you guys to it.

Hey, stay. Have some dessert.

I’ve got a bit of a stomach ache, so...

Hey, sit down. You haven’t seen the best yet.

Okay, you’ve seen her laugh and clap.

Now watch me.

Okay.

Oh, hey, Jimmy has a bit of a stomach ache.

That explains why you’re so moody.

Do you want some gum? I heard it helps digestion.

Oh, no...

It just reminded me of a time when I was a child.

That childhood memory!

You see, when I was four years old,

my mother took me to the public swimming pool, and...

...she just let me start to chew gum then.

Well...

I have to go swimming, you know,

play and work up your appetite, gum appetite.

You stole my gum, you stole my gum!

And then all of a sudden, every mother is looking at me.

My own mom's looking at me saying, "Why did you steal that gum?"

And then, I'm like...

I could barely breathe!

And then everyone's looking at me...

That's terrible.

I know.

I was so sad.

Oh, no, that's really terrible.

I’m the shit.

I’m the king of shit!

It’s so powerful, man! I can't believe it! Did you see me?

Can you keep it down? I can't hear the TV.

No, I’m asking you, did you see me?

Jane was eating out of the palm of my hand!

It’s was like I was given the universal remote control to women.

Come here, baby!

Even Jane! Imagine! I can't believe it!

Jane wrapped around my little finger.

Bob, you're fooling yourself.

Do you really think they're falling for you?

They’re falling for a superficial cut out of...

...who they're looking for! It’s not you they want.

What they don’t want is a depressing, self-obsessed, self-pitying fool...

...who doesn’t know how to enjoy life.

Now the truth comes out.

Bob, you’re going against every fiber of your character right now.

And it’s gonna turn around and bite you in the ass.

You know what, forget it. Just stay a loser!

Hi, Jane.

Hi, Jimmy.

Stomach feeling better?

You left pretty fast the other night.

Oh, yeah, it was just too much. My stomach got really twisted.

Well, Bob was blubbering mess.

It’s nice to see a man be so in touch with his feelings.

Yeah.

Hey, I was wondering if you’d like to go grab a cup of coffee or something?

Lingual’s away, huh?

No, that’s not why.

Actually, I’m going shopping with Bob.

Jimmy?

You can come along.

But you probably won’t have any fun.

It reminds me of a time when I was four.

My mother and I went to the public swimming pool.

And she just started to let me chew gum.

Jimmy,

can you entertain the girls for a minute while I take this call?

Excuse me.

Did you girls really fall for that?

He wasn’t even crying. It was fake.

Why would you say something like that?

How can you call yourself his friend?

Wow!

I just got my big break!

I’m up for a romantic lead in a film!

-Oh, that's great! -Bob! Oh!

So happy for you!

It was a stomach ache.

No, it wasn’t. You left early 'cause there's something else.

Yeah, it was.

Stop it. Something's really bugging you, and we’re here to help.

Seriously, it was nothing.

You haven’t been yourself of late.

I haven’t been myself?

If anything, it’s you and Bob who’ve changed.

-What? -Yeah. Is everyone brainwashed?

Brainwashed?

You’re letting your own jealousy and insecurities get the better of you.

It’s making you look really ugly.

What?

Hey, dude, I got your text. I came as soon as I could.

Is this about the audition?

I don’t wanna talk about it.

Hey.

I know things have been kinda tense between us. I just wanna say...

It’s okay, dude. You don’t have to apologize.

And about the audition...

Don't worry about it.

Our time will come.

I just wanna say...

I got you, sucker!

-What? -You totally fell for it!

You totally fell for it! And not only that...

I wanted to call her, but I didn’t dare.

What right did I have after what she said to me?

At the end of the day,

I’m just a guy asking a girl...

...if she’ll love him.

And you did it exactly like that?

Yeah, and the casting director even clapped after I finished.

What did I tell you?

You got a call back?

A final call back with the director who’s flying in to see me.

It freakin' works!

Hey, Bob.

Haven’t seen you in a while. What's up?

Yeah, sorry. I’ve been a bit down lately. What are you doing?

Just working on my lines for my big audition.

Hey...

Look, I’m sorry I wasn’t so happy for you the other day.

I guess your big audition was a slam for me.

No worries. I totally understand.

You think maybe I could learn this technique?

You wanna learn it, really?

Yeah, I kinda do.

Could you take me through it?

I knew you’d come around.

This shit is too good to be true.

Let me start from the beginning.

Make.

Them.

Laugh.

Laugh and clap!

I'm gonna pee in my panties.

You have to cry.

Laugh.

Clap.

Cry.

Got it? Any questions?

The way you demonstrated that crying thing with Jane was just awesome.

Yeah, right? Jane was putty in my palm.

She fell for it, hook line and sinker.

Hey, thanks for taking me through this again.

Hey, no problem. You sure you got it?

-Pretty sure. -Hey, I gotta go pee. I'll be right back.

Yeah, right? Jane was putty in my palm.

She fell for it, hook line and sinker.

What are you gonna do?

You promised you wouldn't tell Bob.

He betrayed me...

...and you betrayed him.

I don't know how I feel about this.

Hey, I’m trying to help him here.

I know.

I think...

I gotta go.

-Hey! -Hey!

Big audition, huh?

Yeah.

Good luck.

I don’t need luck. I've got the secret.

And you do, too, but let's just keep that between us, huh?

Hey, what if the girls find out?

How are the girls gonna find out?

I don’t know.

Firstly, we’re great actors.

Secondly, we’re buddies.

The secret’s safe with us. Gotta run.

Break a leg.

I wanted to call her, but I didn’t dare.

How could I after what she said to me?

At the end of the day, I’m just a guy...

...asking a girl if she still loves him.

Cut, cut, cut!

It’s fake.

Look, what we're looking for here is something truthful,

something authentic.

What you're doing is indicating.

Do you know what that is, darling?

It's sign posting.

Demonstrating.

In fact, it's just bad acting.

You're telling us what you want us to feel.

Don't do that, darling.

Oh, okay.

So why don't you get and try and... Try it again...

...with something a bit lighter.

Like dotting or something just lighter.

Lighter. Okay. Yeah, yeah yeah.

Make them laugh and clap.

Laugh and clap.

I wanted to call her,

but I didn’t dare.

I mean, after all...

What she said to me...

What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing?

Little lighter. Little funnier. Funnier.

Okay, yeah.

Truthful.

Authentic.

You have to cry.

-Okay. -Okay.

-Good. -Yeah.

Man...

I wanted to call her.

I didn't dare.

I mean, how could I?

Okay, cut, cut, cut!

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

That was incredible. You are incredible.

You're unbelievable. I think we've seen enough. Thank you.

I can do it without going down...

No, no. You can go down as much as you like, but I think we've had enough.

Thanks so much!

-Thank you for coming. -Okay. Should I call you guys or...

No, no, no. We'll let you know, okay?

Thank you.

Oh, my God.

Who brought him in?

Listen, darling, you flew me in for one day for this crap?

You better get me some real actors, quick!

No, darling. This guy is an amateur!

Oh, she's so cute. She's lying down.

I got a new dinosaur sweater for her today. What do you think?

Yeah, it’s nice.

What's wrong with you today? Not as fun.

I just had a really bad audition, so...

Well...

...maybe dogosaurus here can cheer you up!

She is so cute! I'm a dogosaurus! T-Rex!

No, no, I won't come in.

Yeah, thanks.

-Hey, dude. -Hey, Jimmy.

That was our agent. I was gonna call you.

She was asking me to go in and audition.

For my role?

Yeah.

It didn’t go well, huh?

I totally blew it.

-You should go for it, dude. -No. I said no. I wouldn't do that to you.

You're the only one with morals around here.

Hey, Jane.

You recorded me and then you showed Jane?

I thought you’re supposed to be my freakin' friend!

I am. To Bob.

Not this fakey clown act you've got going.

Oh, now the knife's in, why don’t you just twist it and go to my audition?

You know what, I might just do that.

Yeah, it was awesome. One of the best I've done in a while.

Lingual...

I'm gonna have to go.

Yeah. Bye.

Sorry, man.

Didn't know you were home.

Audition go well?

Yeah.

I'm happy for you. Really.

Really?

You deserve it...

...and so do I.