All language subtitles for Warren.S01E04.The.Father.Figure.HDTV.x264-MTB

Alvin, Simon, Theodore.

That's correct, Warren. Yes!

We're into sudden death,
playing for the meal for two

at Bella Italia.

Stephen, which footballer married
former Spice Girl Victoria Beckham?

David Beckham.

That's correct. Bloody easy.

Warren, in what year did
Preston become a city?

You're joking me! You have ten seconds.

Well, it's not a city, is it?

It can't be. I'm looking for the year.

Oh, for... 1957.

I'm afraid the answer was 2002.

Congratulations, Stephen,
you've won the meal for two.

Oh, amazing! Absolute stitch-up.

All the questions are
written fairly, Warren.

That's a load of total bollocks.

Ah! There's no need for that.

Apologies, listeners. Now...

I mean, what a ridiculous question.

Did you know this place was a city?

Yeah, of course.

Well, why didn't you say anything?

Can I just go home now?

My lesson ended, like, 25 minutes ago.

Yeah, all right.

City of Preston!

I've heard it all now.

Hello, love.

Is Preston a city, yes or no?

Er, yeah, think so.

I mean, who's giving this place
city status? It's a shit hole.

Preston is beautiful,
thank you very much.

All you see is the ring road every day.

If you're going to go on about
how nice the bus station is,

I don't want to hear it.
It's Grade-II listed,

so is the railway station.
Interesting, isn't it?

The only nice buildings in
Preston are points of exit.

Did Charlie get to
the airport all right?

Yeah, I dropped him there this morning.

Oh, he was so excited.

When I got there, they were all dressed

in Hawaiian shirts!

Oh, it was ever so funny.

Sounds hilarious.

See you later, love.
Where are you going?

I've told you, Danny's parents evening.

Are you sure you're not coming?

No, I told you, legally,
he's nothing to do with me,

so it's probably against the rules.

Just not worth the risk.

I've left you a quiche in the fridge.

Make sure Danny eats and doesn't
just sit upstairs all night.

See you in a bit. All right, love.

Danny!

We're going out.

Mrs Humphreys.

Hello, again. How are you?

Yeah, fine, thanks.

And you, are you...
having a nice evening?

Um... Yes, can't complain.

Oh, good, good, good to know.

Is everything all right?

Ooh, sorry, I get a bit
nervous at these things.

I never did too well at school,
so it brings back bad memories.

I used to get in trouble
because I'd just sit

at the back with Sandra Whedon
passing love notes to Michael Price.

Well, you needn't be nervous.

I didn't fancy him that much,
but his dad owned a launderette

and his clothes smelled ever so nice.

Sure. Shall we crack on with Danny?

Oh, God, yes, sorry.

Well, Danny is one of our star pupils.

He's a very bright young man.

He must get that from his dad's side.

He's kind, he's friendly,
he's helpful...

Maybe not. Although I am a little
worried about him at the moment.

His grades have dropped slightly
over the past five or six weeks,

and he seems a bit distracted.

Oh, no, that's not like him.

No. Have you noticed any
change in him at home?

Well, I suppose he has
seemed a bit out of sorts.

But I just thought that was
because my partner has started

turning the Wi-Fi off after
nine to save on electric.

And does Danny get on
well with your partner?

Oh, yeah, they get on ever so well.

Danny loves spending time with him.

How do you miss from there?

He only had to stick his leg out!

Oh, God, this game's awful.

Play the offside trap,
you've all got to be on it,

you know what I mean?

I don't really like football, Warren.

Christ, you're hard work, Danny.

Sorry.

Oh!

The peas are still frozen.

Oh!

Oh, I'm so fed up.

We could ask them to
put something else on.

How has it ended up like this?

Look at me, sat in a
pub with a 14-year-old

watching Scotland play.

I'm 15, actually.

Do you know, all I ever wanted
in life was a lovely little house

in Dorset, out of town,
somewhere peaceful,

nice new Mondeo on the drive,

a couple of little chickens
running around the garden,

maybe one of those garage
doors that closes on its own.

Not too much to ask, is it?

What do I end up with?

A divorced mother of
two living in Preston.

Can we go home soon, Warren?

I've got a Call Of
Duty tournament to play

before you turn the Wi-Fi off.

Yeah, of course you have.

If your mother asks,
we had quiche for dinner.

I quite like quiche.

You can pick it out the
bin if you're still hungry.

Did you know Preston was a city?

Yeah, they changed it in 2002.

All right, Danny,
nobody likes a smart arse.

Bloody hell, even the
Queen did a walkabout.

Poor Queen, imagine what
was going through her head

walking around this place.

You all right, love?

A couple of teachers
mentioned that Danny's grades

have been dropping,
and he's been a bit out of sorts.

How was he tonight?

Bit quiet.

But to be honest,
he's not great company anyway.

Tried to have a word with him,
but he just said everything were fine.

There you go, then.

I was thinking, maybe you
could have a word with him.

Oh, no way.

Well, you two get on,
maybe he'll chat with you,

man-to-man sort of thing.

No, get Charlie to do it,

or send him next door
to Ian, he likes Ian.

Please, Warren,
just have a little word with him,

see if you can find out what's up.

It might be serious.

He might have started taking drugs!

Oh, calm down, Anne!

I'll have a word with
him tomorrow after work,

if that'll put your mind at rest.

OK.

Thanks, love.

Hey, how was the quiche?

Er, cracking, yeah, really hit the spot.

Oh, good! Well, they were on offer,
so the freezer's full of them.

You can have the same tomorrow as well.

Lovely.

And then they said it'll
take off in an hour,

and gave us a voucher for �3.

I said, �3?

That won't even get us coffee!

Anyway, we went back to the
lounge, Murray had a bacon roll,

I just went for a latte. Oh!

Well, the bacon roll
on its own was �3.30,

so I'm down 30p before I've
even started my holiday!

Anyway, we went back an hour
later, and lo and behold,

the flight was delayed,
so Murray hit the roof.

Hang on, where are you going?

Oh, is it all right to
drop me off at home today?

I'm not working this week.

I'm not a bloody taxi service, love.

But it's just up there on the
left, you can see it there.

Anyway, Murray nearly causes
a bloody riot, comes down...

I didn't know you lived on a farm.

Oh, yes, Murray's been
a farmer all his life.

Is it a working farm?

Yeah, it's got the lot
- cows, sheep, pigs,

couple of horses,
few chickens, fish pond...

Oh, yeah, I've always
fancied having chickens.

My mum and dad used to
keep them when I was a kid.

Fresh eggs every morning, can't beat it.

And they cost nothing to
keep either, chickens.

Pay for themselves in a couple of weeks.

Where was I?

Oh, so Murray demands that Stelios...

Never mind Stelios, tell me a
bit more about these chickens.

Anne!

In the kitchen.

Guess what? I bought a chicken.

You've done what? I've bought a chicken!

Why? Think of all the
lovely fresh eggs we'll have.

Better than all that supermarket shite.

But where are you going to put it?

I'm going to put it in our bedroom.

Where do you think I'm going to
put it? I'm going to make a pen.

You were supposed to
be talking to Danny.

He came out of his room this morning,
and his eyes were all red.

I'm worried it might be drugs after all.

Anne, have a day off.

You're talking about Danny.

But why were his eyes red?

Don't know, probably been
blowing his clarinet too hard.

Will you speak to him today?

Yeah, he can help me build the pen.

He'll love all this.

Danny, come here! I want you!

Did Warren just call me?

He's in the garden.
He's bought a chicken, love.

Oh, right.

No, I think he wants
you to go and help him.

Danny, come here!

Oh, Mum, do I have to?

I think it'd mean a lot, yeah.

I've not seen him this excited

since that student
accidentally paid him twice.

Come and give your old mam a cuddle. Aw!

I told you that old rabbit
hutch would come in handy.

Your mother was always
on at me to chuck it.

It's good wood, that is.

Oi, not so rough with that netting!

Doesn't it need a proper coop, Warren?

Oh, suddenly he's Chris Packham.

All it needs is a bit to run around in,

somewhere to have a kip,
and somewhere to lay me an egg.

What are you going to name it?

I'm not going to bloody
name it, it's a chicken.

I didn't know if you wanted to.

You want me to take it
for walks as well? Ow!

Quiet, you're frightening it!

Warren, that's the third
splinter I've got now!

"Oh, that's the third
splinter I've got now."

Go inside and ask your mum for
some gloves, you tiny little girl.

Oh, what's going on here, then?

Building an extension?

Oh, that's very good, Ian, as usual.

No, I'm putting up a chicken run.

A chicken run? Why?

Why do you think, you tit?
I bought a chicken.

You can't keep chickens
in a suburban garden!

Think of the noise
pollution. Here we go.

It's not Foghorn Leghorn.
It's one little chicken.

And it'll attract rats.

It's a well-known fact that
chickens attract vermin.

This place will be awash by sunrise.

Yeah, tell you what, mate,
you look after your garden,

and I'll look after mine.
Where are you going?

You're not just going to
leave it unattended like that?

Oh, shut up, you bell-end.

So how's it going?

Oh, yeah, she's settling in, no problem.

Not the chicken, Warren, Danny!

Did you speak to him?

Oh, no, not yet. Why not?
You said you would.

Well, what exactly do
you want me to say to him?

Your mum thinks you're a crackhead,
could you smile a bit more?

Oh, for goodness' sake, just go upstairs

and try and find out if
there's anything wrong.

Probably up there now
trying to flog his clarinet

to pay for his next fix.

Now, or that chicken's going back!

That's not even funny, Anne.

You all right?

Oh, sorry, I was just finishing
some homework. Oh, no worries.

Can I sit on the bed?

Er, yeah, if you want.

Oh!

Big, isn't it?

Space.

Not for me, I'm all right here.

Warren, what's going on?

Oh, for Christ's sake.

Listen, your mother's worried about you.

She went to your parents evening,

and your teachers said your
grades were dropping or something.

Not really, I got an A instead of
an A star in maths, but that was it.

Oh, bloody hell.
The way your mother was going on,

I thought you were
turning into Forrest Gump.

Christ.

Um... Warren?

Yeah? Could I ask you
something, actually?

Its not about your homework, is it?
I can't help you there, mate.

No, it's not school-related.

It's a bit personal.

You don't want me to
have a look at your...?

No, no, nothing like that.

Thank Christ for that.

What's up, then?

Promise you won't say anything
to Mum? Yeah, I promise.

It's just...

There is something on my mind.

Right.

Warren...

Yeah?

..I'm in love.

I'm sorry. It's not funny!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, mate, I just wasn't
expecting you to say that.

Go on. Who is she?

It is a she, isn't it?

Yeah. Yeah, only I wondered
with the clarinet and stuff.

Go on. Her name's Jenny.

She's in the year above me at school.

She works weekends in the supermarket,

and she does drama for her GCSEs.

Right. Well, that's it.

So what's your problem?

Well, what do I do?

Have you spoken to her? No.

Well, once, yeah,
but that was just because

she jumped in front of
me in the dinner queue.

What happened? She just said,
"Can I go in front of you?"

Right, what did you say?

"Yeah."

Right, sounds like
you're off to a flyer.

A real whirlwind romance.

I'm wasting my time, aren't I?

No, you're not, just go
up to her and ask her out.

Girls like a bit of confidence.

I'm scared, though.

You've got nothing to be scared of.

I'll drive you to go and
see her at work tomorrow. No!

Mate, you can sit there and worry
about what would have happened

for the rest of your life,

or you can grow a pair of
conkers and just ask her out.

You reckon?

Yeah, we'll get you looking all smart,
she won't know what hit her.

OK.

Thanks, Warren. Yeah.

Mum's the word, eh?

Now, are you going to sit
there on your arse all day,

or come and help me
build this chicken coop?

All right, hang on, I'm coming!

Oh, what now?

Warren, that chicken
kept us up all night.

The noise is absolutely unbearable.

What bloody noise?

The constant clucking.

Is this a wind-up?

It's keeping the whole
neighbourhood awake.

They weren't designed to be
kept in quiet cul-de-sacs.

Right, come with me. What?
Come on, we'll have a listen.

Where?

There.

And that's keeping you awake, is it?

Well, I didn't know
when I purchased my house

I'd be living next to a farmyard.

All right, well,
I'll have a word with her,

ask her to keep it down for you.

And I think you owe my
wife an apology as well.

Terrified of chickens.

She's scared to leave the house.

Funny, even though she
married a complete cock?

You cluck all you want, my darling.

The more I think about it,
the more I reckon it is drugs, you know.

Did he say anything to you yesterday?
What, about drugs? Yes!

I was watching a show on
Channel Five last night

about teenage drug
addicts in Great Yarmouth.

They said telltale signs were
finding home-made bongs in the bedroom.

Did you find a home-made
bong in his bedroom?

No, but I did find the socks
my mam gave him for Christmas,

still in the bloody wrapper.

Christ.

He's hardly Keith
Richards, though, is he?

I'm going to sort it
all out today, Anne,

I've got it all in hand, all right?

Yeah. Yeah.

What do you reckon to the name Maude?

You think she looks like a Maude?

I knew a woman once called Maude

who worked up on the industrial estate.

She found a lump in the March,
and they gave her three months to live.

She was robbed of another hour

when the clocks went forward
a week later. Such a shame!

Oh, Maude it is, then.

Hands out your pockets.
Right, that's it.

You look fine. You ready? Yep.

OK, just take something up
to buy, anything will do.

Tampons?

Yeah, make you look more in tune
with a woman's needs, won't it?

Who would I be buying them for?

Your mum.
Who buys tampons for their mum?

I don't bloody know,
stop reading into things.

You take that up to her till,
put it down, compliment her,

say you're at school
with her or whatever,

then ask for her number, all right? Yep.

You'll be fine, just be yourself.

Yep. OK. Now, which one is she?

Brown hair, till five.

Right, get in the car. What?

Car, go, now. I thought... Car!

What was all that about?

Danny, what I'm about to say to
you is for your own good, OK?

Right. You've got no chance.

That girl in there is like
the Manchester United of girls,

and you are, at best, Wigan Athletic.

Warren, you know I don't like football.

Oh, for Christ's sake, Danny,

she's far too good-looking
for you, all right?

You said... Forget what I said.

There's no way I'm going to
let you humiliate yourself

by asking out a girl who's
miles out of your league.

Won't do your
self-confidence any good at all.

Put your seat belt on.

You tried your best,
but it just wasn't meant to be.

Four days I've had her, and nothing.

Not one single egg.

Really? That's weird.

Sometimes they get like that.

Did I tell you about my friend
Norman... You sold me a barren chicken!

That's what's happened.
You pulled a fast one!

There's nothing wrong with that chicken.

She's probably just stressed
or something. Stressed?!

She's not doing her 11 plus, love.

I've set her up like a queen out there.

She's doing better than I am!

Yes, but if they feel uncomfortable
or worried about anything,

they won't lay.

Oh, right, so I'll book her in
with a shrink, then, shall I?

She probably just misses her friends.

They're sociable animals, chickens are.

So I've got to take her
on play dates as well?

No, but they don't
like to be on their own.

They always lay better
when there's a few of them.

She probably just needs a
bit of company, you know.

They're sociable animals, Anne.

I don't know if we
have the room, Warren.

Maude, come and meet your new friends!

Maude?

Maude...?

Oh, Warren, I think
she's made a run for it.

Oh, no, that's the bloody foxes!

The fox has got her!

I told Danny to double
up on the fencing!

Sorry, love.

Oi, get out of here.

There she is!

Get your chicken off of my property!

It's attacking me.
Stop doing that, you're frightening her!

Look at its claws!
It'll have someone's eye out.

Just pick her up and
give her back to me.

I'm not touching it.
They're ridden with disease.

For God's sake, Ian,
it's just a little chicken.

Be gentle with her!

He's upset her.

Careful, Paula, it went for me.
You're brave, Paula.

Ian said you wouldn't come out
of the house because of her.

Oh, no, you're fine, I love animals, me.

Come here, love. There you go,
Warren. There we go, come on, baby.

No, Ian's the one with
the little chicken phobia.

When he were eight,
his family lost him in a farmyard.

Oh, dear, poor thing.

They found him two hours later
wedged under the nest boxes.

They didn't even recognise him at first,

he was covered in that much shit.

Oh.

Ooh, I know.

More of them?!

In you go. She's keen.

What's wrong with you?
You trying to kill me?

Just go inside, Ian.

I'm going to cycle to Lewis',
Mum, see you later.

Put your helmet on, love, please.

Oh, I'm so worried, Warren.

I'll just whack a bit of
extra fencing on there,

it'll be all right.

Not about the chickens, for God's sake!

About Danny.
Where did you both go earlier?

He seems worse than ever.

Oh, he made me promise
not to say anything.

Oh, my God, did he take
you to his drug dealer? No!

Oh, God, we'll have to send him
to rehab. Shall I call the Priory?

All right, if you insist,
he's been acting weird

because he likes a girl.

A girl?
- Yeah.

Is that it?
- Yeah, but don't say anything to him,

or he'll know I told you. Who is she?

Oh, well, Jenny's her name.

She's a year above him at school,
and she does the tills at weekends.

Oh, Jenny Humphreys, I can see it now!

Yeah, well, that's where you're
wrong, I told him not to bother.

Eh? Why?

Well, we went to go and see her,

and she's way too good-looking
for him. He hasn't got a chance.

You didn't actually say
that to him, though, did you?

I told him the truth, Anne.

Set his sights a bit lower.

There's plenty of other fish in the sea.

They're just not such good-looking fish,

like a pollock or a grouper.

Right, the minute he gets home,
you are going to go and tell him

he can get any girl he likes.
Well, I'm not going to lie to him.

Warren, you need to put this right!

She's not blind, Anne!

All right, girls?

Warren?

What are you doing?

I'm looking out for the foxes.

OK. Night.

Er, Dan, before you go,
sit down for a minute.

I've been thinking.

I was wrong to say
what I said about Jenny.

I reckon you should go for it.

No, you were right.

She is too good-looking for me.

No, she's not, you're a good...

All right-looking lad.

You can do it.

I'm not sure. Well, why don't
I take you down there tomorrow,

see if she's working?

At least you can ask her.

And you don't think I'll
embarrass myself? No!

Not at all.

Just try not to take it personally,
whatever it is she says.

You know, however nasty her comments
are, or however horrified she looks,

just you remember,

you've always got your
clarinet to fall back on.

Thanks, Warren.

Night.

Hopeless.

I don't know, Warren,
maybe this is a bad idea.

Maybe I am aiming too high. What? No!

Although, what about that
nice redhead on number three?

Oh, sweet Jesus!

Let's just go home.

No! Danny, sometimes in life,
you've just got to take a risk.

Really? Yeah, I took a risk
when I asked your mother out.

Was she out of your league?

What? No chance.

I didn't know how the whole
kids thing would work out.

I was nervous before I met you two,

and then I grew to like you.

Well, not Charlie, really,
but you're all right.

I'm not sure.

Listen, I didn't piss a
litre and a half of unleaded

up against the wall
bringing you here twice

for you to wimp out now.

Get in there, go on!

Text me. Yeah. Awesome. See you.

She wants to hang out
after school on Monday!

Do you think she's simple or something?

Danny, if this turns out
to be a big practical joke,

you've got to promise me you
won't get too upset, all right?

Oh, you're kidding me!

He shouldn't be long.
What the bloody hell's going on?

Oh, Warren, love,
this is Amanda from the RSPCA.

I'm afraid we had an anonymous
tip-off suggesting that chickens

were being mistreated at
this address. Oh, did you?

So obviously,
we had to come and investigate.

Listen, love, these chickens
are treated like bloody royalty.

Sir, I never thought...
They get organic feed,

they've got clean water,
they've got a heat lamp.

He's even wired up a radio

so they can listen to
Classic FM at night.

To help them unwind. Yeah, I can see...

There is absolutely no way
you are taking my girls off me.

It'll be over my dead body.

I was just going to
say that these chickens

are treated very well.

Oh, right. Yeah, well, they are.

It's a good-sized pen,
they're relaxed, they seem very happy.

Mm. My only concern is that they've
got a small case of bumble foot.

Nothing too serious,
but you'll need the vet to give them

a once over and supply
them some treatment.

How much is that going to cost?

Not much, probably �200.

Get out, you muppets. Go on!

You can bloody keep 'em!

Anonymous tip-off, my arse. Tosser!

Just let it go now, love.

I bet it was him that put
them off laying as well,

staring at them out
of his window all day.

Would put anyone off their stride.

All right, Danny, give it a rest,
she can't be that funny.

Sorry.

So she just gave him her number?

Yeah, he walked up, bold as brass,
and she just gave him her number,

just like that.

Oh, isn't it lovely,
to be young and in love again?

I don't get what she sees in him.

People say the same to me.

What?

Hello? Oh, me boy's home! Oh, God.

Oh! Anne...

Oh.

Oh, my baby!

How was it?

Oh, not so tight!

Oh, you look tanned.

Yeah, I fell asleep by
the pool on the first day,

forgot to put sun cream on.

Doctor at the resort said I had
third degree burns. Oh, love!

Yeah, well, I've got some
exciting news! So have I.

Danny's got a girlfriend. What?!

She's not my girlfriend yet,
we're just texting.

Oh, and Warren bought
a couple of chickens,

but he's got rid of them now.

Bloody hell, I've only been
gone a week. What's your news?

I got this.

Oh, good God, Charlie,
that's horrendous!

What on Earth did you get that for?

We all got one.

Well, we were going to, I went first,

and the others saw
mine and didn't bother.

God knows what Warren's going to say.

You know Preston's a city, don't you?

Yeah, all right. Where is Warren?

Have some of that, you twat!

So remember, you're playing for
the half-price MOT at Kwik-Fit.

Stacey, how many inches in a foot?

12. Correct.

Warren, what is the first
letter of the Greek alphabet?

Oh, Jesus.

I'm going to have to hurry you.

Alpha. Correct.

Stacey, who is Prince
Charles married to?

Oh, what's her name?

Not Diana, the other one.

You've got to take her first answer!

Quiet, please, Warren.

The one that wears that posh coat.

You're nearly there, Stacey.

Are you going to hurry her up or what?

Darren, who's married to Charles?

She's bloody conferring!

Warren, quiet, please.

Priscilla, Priscilla Parker-Bowl.

I will accept that.

That's not even right!

Warren, what is Michael
Caine's real name?

Maurice Micklewhite. Correct.

Stacey, what is the
capital of Edinburgh?

I mean, Scotland.

Edinburgh? Correct.

You just gave her the bloody answer!

Right, well,
I'm sure she knew it anyway.

Warren, in what year was
Preston's beautiful Grade-II
listed bus station completed?

Oh, er...

I'll have to hurry you!

1967.

Nine! '69!

I'm afraid I have to
take your first answer.

It's 1969, it's 1969.

Your first answer was 1967,
which means that, Stacey,

you have won the quiz.

Oh, for...