All language subtitles for Warren.S01E03.The.Tax.Return.HDTV.x264-MTB

You got a boyfriend?

Yeah, I just started seeing someone,
actually.

Alright.

What sort of music you into?

All sorts, really.

What, are you at college, then?

Yeah, I'm studying, um...

"Spiced Double Chicken Meal"

Oh finally!

Where's the straw?

Its in the bag.

Didn't get a straw last time.

What about barbecue sauce?

One? What, they take it out of
your wages, mate? Give us another!

And I'll need a receipt for that.

Tax return's due on Monday.

You sure you don't want anything?

No I'm fine. I just wouldn't mind
getting on with my lesson, please.

Alright Preesha,

Put it in gear, a little bit
of gas, and easy on the clutch.

Oh, he's just stepped in
now, I'm going to ask him...

Its Colin, he wants to know if you'll
meet him at the pub tonight?

Which Colin?

My sister's Colin.

- No chance.
- Why not?

You know why not. He's a knob head.
All he does is moan.

Oh Warren, he's been signed off work
with stress for eight months.

Stress? He works in IT, what's he
stressed about? He lost his mouse mat?

Stress affects different
people in different ways.

You want to know about stress, try
taking a bloke with narcolepsy

out for a driving lesson. He only woke
up when I started screaming.

Well its either seeing Colin,

or making a start on that list of things
to fix around the house.

I put a cookbook on the shelf this
afternoon and that's come down as well.

- What's happened there?
- It was half hanging off anyway.

Why'd you put a book on it if its half
hanging off?

It's a shelf, you're meant to put books
on it.

So Colin, or DIY?

He'd love to come, Colin, he's on his
way now.

And you can make a start on that list
when you got back.

Thanks for coming.

I didn't know who else to talk to.

And I drew the short straw.

I would have called your mobile but
I remember you saying

how it kept automatically blocking
me number.

Yes, weird that, innit?

Anyway cheers.

Colin? Colin!

Oh... right, ya sorry. Cheers Warren.

Bloody hell, what's the matter with you?

Its like talking to that deaf kid I
teach, I gave up in the end.

Well hey... don't make a scene.

I've just been so bored, y'know, since
I got signed off work.

I've been sat at home twiddling me
thumbs, goin' out of me bloody mind.

- And that's when I got this email.
- What email?

An email from the Crown Prince of
Equatorial Guinea

telling me he had some good news.

He said I'd won the Equatorial Guinea
State Lottery, nearly 8 million dollars.

I couldn't believe it!

He said all I needed to do was move
some money for the legal fees

and it'd be in me account by the morning.

Oh you didn't, did you?

Two and a half grand.

All the money Liz and I set aside for
that cruise.

And the thing is, Warren,

I hadn't won the Equatorial Guinea State
Lottery.

It were all a scam!

Of course it was, you prat!

I don't know how I fell for it all.

That picture of Mr. N'Kogo holding
a giant check just look so realistic.

He had a lovely big smile on his face.

I'll bet he did! I'll bet he couldn't
believe his luck when you replied.

- It was him that won the lottery.
- But what do I do now, Warren?

How can I tell Liz we're not going on
holiday?

We're supposed to be leaving next week!

What?

The Crown Prince of bloody Equatorial
Guinea... 8 million.

It must have been a rollover, eh?

I've been a right pillock, haven't I?

Yes you have, yeah.

Oh, she's going to kill me, Warren.

No she won't. If I know Liz, she'll see
the funny side of it.

Just go home, tell her you've got a
good story,

and you'll both be pissing yourselves by
the morning.

- You reckon?
- Yeah.

Its only a couple of weeks on a boat,
isn't it?

Its not like you signed away your life
savings.

No, the bank stepped in and cancelled
that transaction.

- What?
- Thanks Warren. You're right,

I'm overthinking it, aren't I?

Where're you going?

Well, there's no time like the present,
is there?

Aren't you going to buy me a pint back?

Colin?

Knob head!

Oh, the poor bugger.

Can't catch a break at the minute.

What with this, his job, and that cat

that keeps crapping in his bird bath.

Well if he calls again, tell
him I'm dead or something.

Hang on, where are you going?

I'm doin' my tax returns - due on Monday.

Not 'til this list's finishing up.
Warren, the house is falling apart.

The bathroom tap's dripping upstairs.

That mirror needs rehanging in the
hallway,

Charlie's beds broken.

Right, well I'll just ask Her Majesty's
Revenue And Custom to tread water

while I fix your doorbell, shall I?

Doorbell! Forgot that one!

Hey Mom

Well you look nice. New cardy?

No, I've had it years.

I'm just saying you look nice, is all.

What are you after?

I'm not after anything, I'm just
complimenting my mother.

So I was thinking can I
have a girl stay around?

No chance, it's not a knocking
shop, mate.

Oh please, come on! I'm an adult and I
really like her.

That's what you said about Rosa, and
Isla... and Sofia!

Yeah, and they all dumped you within
the week.

No they didn't dump me, I dumped them
actually, and anyway, Preesha's different.

Preesha? Preesha who? Not Preesha Gupta?

- Maybe.
- Well you know I teach her, don't you?

Oh well she definitely can't stay then.
That's a conflict-of-interest.

He's not the one dating her, I am!

Yeah, but her family is filthy rich and
she's crap at driving.

I'm going to make money off of her for
years, so you find someone else

to muck about with your dirty
little plumb.

You shouldn't be mucking about with
anyone at your age, pal.

Accidents happen. How do you think
you were born?

I'm not gonna get her pregnant.

That's what your dad said. 9 months
later I were in the Royal Preston

with me legs in stirrups while Trevor
were on one knee proposing.

Jesus, she did not find that funny.

Well what, what'd she say?

She kicked me out!

Said I could find somewhere else to
sleep tonight. I had to get the bus.

What are you gonna do, find yourself a
hotel?

I've got no money, Warren.
I gave it all to

the Crown Prince of Equatorial Guinea.

Can I not stay here?

There's a YMCA in town.
That's cheap as chips.

Oh c'mon, you said she'd find it funny.

So it's my fault now, is it?

Hello Colin luv, everything alright?

She kicked me out, Anne. Can I sleep
here tonight?

'Course you can, luv.

We're just having penne pasta. Would you
like some penne pasta?

Oh, that'd be lovely. I haven't eaten
since lunch

You had a bag of nuts an hour ago.

I'd better call Liz, make sure she's
alright. Grab his bag, will ya?

- Just pop it straight in me room, Warren.
- Oh for...

Thanks for this, Warren.

I appreciate you letting me stay.

Hello?

Bed feels like it's gone a bit.

Sleep in the car if you're
that bothered.

No no, this is fine.

I remember when me and Liz got our
first bed...

Ya, good night, Colin.

Warren, why can't I just sleep on the sofa?

'Cause the last time you slept
on the sofa

your mother came downstairs to
a big pair of tits

staring back at her from the telly.

Why do you always bring that up?
I was fourteen.

I told ya, I was trying to find the
National Geographic channel.

Yeah, instead you got the National
Pornographic Channel, ya pervert.

Liz is ever so annoyed, Warren.

She were really looking forward to
that cruise.

Apparently he told her the whole thing
as if it were funny.

No wonder she hit the roof.

Did... did he? What a prat!

I said to him, man, I said

"Colin, this is no laughing matter.
You'd better break it to her gently."

Oh, she was effin' and jeffin'.

She always had a temper, Liz,
but not like this.

I remember when Ken Appleby
dumped her in the middle of Argos.

She turn around and whacked him with one
of the catalogues.

He were out cold before he hit
the floor.

Well, I'm not having him moping around
here for two nights in a row.

We'll take him back in the morning,
whether she wants him or not.

Oh, I don't know, Warren, I think we
should give her a bit of space

One more night won't hurt.

No, she married him, she should be
the one stuck with him.

Anyway she'll have calmed
down by the morning.

Although we'd better hide the Argos
catalogue just in case.

Bloody hell, Colin, what are you doing?

Oh sorry, Warren, this shelf's been on
me mind all night.

I couldn't sleep, thinking about it.

Have you sanded that down?

Yeah, just gives it a nicer finish,
doesn't it?

Oh, before I forget, I sorted out
Charlie's bed, and

I stopped the bathroom tap from
leaking as well. I hope you don't mind?

No, knock yourself out, mate.

Always did enjoy a bit of DIY.

Besides, me therapist said its good for
taking me mind off everything.

Anyway, I think I might head
back home now.

Try groveling to Liz, see if she'll
forgive me.

Thanks for letting me stay, Warren.

Uh.. ha.. ha... hang on a second, Colin,
don't, uh, dash off right away!

Oh mate, I've enjoyed being here too,
but I know what Liz is like.

Oh, alright. Fine. Fair enough.
Its your funeral.

What, you think I'm making a mistake?

If it was me, I would just wait it out,

Play hard-to-get, let her realize
how much she misses you first.

No, I can't do that... can I?

'Course you can!
Trust me,

Leave it a bit longer and
she'll be apologizing to you.

- You reckon?
- Yeah, yeah, definitely!

And in the meantime if you want
something to do,

there's plenty of things that need
fixing around here, you know.

if it'll help you take our mind off
everything.

Well, ya...
sure, okay.

Yeah, I think there's even a list of
of it, actually... oh yeah, look!

Yeah, there it is, I knew I'd seen it
the other day.

There, my treat!

Thanks Warren

You're the best mate
anybody could ever ask for.

Yeah, but just keep it between the
two of us

'cause the tools were a gift from Anne

and she gets a bit funny if anybody
else uses them.

Oh gotcha... say no more.
Uh, paint and brushes?

- In the shed, mate.
- Ah!

Oh, you started already, well done.

Ah well, y'know, yes, I thought I'd
get cracking on nice and early.

Oh, you've sanded it as well.

Yeah, just gives it a nicer finish,
doesn't it?

Also, Anne, I was thinking...

I think you're right about giving Liz a
bit of space.

I suppose Colin could stay one more
night, I don't really mind.

Oh, that's very kind of you, luv, I do
think it would be for the best.

Yeah, perhaps you should get over
there and check on Liz now.

You know, get the lay of the land.

Alright, yeah, I'll just make us some
breakfast first.

Do you know what? I'd just head
straight off.

We'd only worry, wouldn't we?

Just throw on some clothes and get
going.

And why don't you take an overnight bag
just to be on the safe side?

Aww, you are a very thoughtful man,
Warren Thompson.

Just doing my best, Anne.

Someone order a stud?

Uh, uh hey there, is Preesha in?

Don't worry, Grandpa, I've got this.

I thought you said no one was in.

They weren't when I texted you
an hour ago!

Well, I had to cycle down here. Trust
me, I went as fast as I could!

You're alright, you're really sweaty!

Yeah no, I'm fine, but maybe we can jump
in the shower.

No, my grandpa's here!

Well... can't we just nip upstairs for
five minutes? I won't be long...

No, but my dad's left me his credit card
to go shopping with, so...

I've got a better idea.

Hahahahaha

It's not just losing
the cruise that annoys me,

its the fact that he kept it all a
secret!

You never know, maybe all this is a
blessing in disguise.

He does get terribly sea sick.

I've put up with soooo much
since he's been signed off.

His mood swings, his stupid OCD,
his loss of libido.

We haven't had sex since November!

And even then, he was only doing it for
the body heat

because I hadn't put the thicker
duvet on yet.

Don't worry, I'm sure it'll all work
itself out, luv.

Well where is he? I haven't had so much
as a text.

What's he doing over there?

Come on, I've got to use the computer.

Almost got the power back on...
nearly done.

Hey Warren, I were thinking...

Maybe I should just give her a quick
call, talk it over.

I don't wanna make things worse.

No, Colin, just wait it out. You're
doing the right thing.

Concentrate on doing these little jobs,
it'll take your mind off everything.

Oooh! You might want to put this chair
on the list as well.

I think the back's gone.

- Ah, at last.
- There ya go.

Warren, you sure you don't think I
should call her?

What did I just say?!

Give me your phone.

I'll keep that and stop the temptation.

Thanks, I really couldn't ask for a
better best mate.

Yeah, you keep saying that.

Do ya think I could get a tea maybe,
Warren?

Alright, you do the chair,
I'll do the tea.

Hello, Warren Thompson...

Hello luv, it's me, Anne Humphries.

Oh hello luv, hang on...

How's Liz?

Oooh Warren, she's still pretty annoyed

I'm going to take her to a spa for the
night to cheer her up.

But you were right we should have

taken him 'round first thing
this morning.

No no no, more space. That's just what
the doctor ordered.

Ooooooh, its really not, Warren.
She's ever so angry.

But if he grovels now, I reckon she'll
come around.

Can't she wait one more night?

If he doesn't ring now,

It'll only get worse.

Alright, I'll have a word with him.

- Ooooh, thanks luv. Speak to you later.
- Alright.

Um Warren, will the electricity go off
again, only I just lost half my essay.

Oh Danny, have the day off!

Make us two teas and get rid of that
ladder.

Ah right, Colin, okay, um, you're gonna
have to stop doing all this stuff.

You need to call...

Bloody hell, Warren, these aren't the
receipts for your work, are they?

You know you can't claim for half
of this?

Ted's Fish and Chips Shop?
- It was a working lunch.

- The lawn mower?!
- Who are you, the FBI? Give those back!

No, but I've been in accounting for
twenty years, so I know what I'm doing.

Haaave you? I thought you worked for an
IT company?

Yeah, I do, in the Finance Department.

And If you want to save money, you want
to claim back a percentage

of your utility bills, say that your
home is your office.

What, you can do that?

Ah, there's loopholes there if you
know them. Anyway...

Its giving me a headache just
thinking about it all again.

Sorry, what were ya saying?

- That was Liz on the phone.
- That were Liz? Why didn't ya say?

She's furious, uh, she doesn't want to
speak to you,

and she doesn't know if she'll ever want
to speak to you again.

Oh my God

Okay, uh, enough's enough. I need to go
'round there right now and, uh...

No no no no, that'd be the worst thing
to do.

Ooooooh Colin, you've really done it
this time.

What you need is for someone to go
round there

and talk to her for you to
smooth things over.

Obviously I'd love to help, but

I've gotta do this bloody tax return.

Bugger!

Anyway, best get going.

Okay

How about I take a look at it?

What, my tax return, really?

I mean, me therapist will kill me, but

if it means gettin me wife back,
I'll do anything!

Oh great, then I tell you what, I'll go
around

and talk to Liz right this minute.

Oh thanks Warren, that'd be great!

Hello ladies, just checking in?

Yes, it should be a twin room under
Anne Humphries.

Just bear with me.

Awww, me and Colin stayed in a place
like this on our honeymoon.

Trevor just took me to a Booklands.

Should have known then he were a tosser.

Oh it were lovely, Anne.

Rose petals on the bed,
towels shaped like swans,

Free shortbread biscuits,

Trouser press in the wardrobe.

I thought we'd be happy forever.

I'm afraid your rooms not quite ready
yet, but we're happy to hold your bags

if you'd like to use our spa services
while you wait.

Or, I can get you a table in our award-
winning, pan-Asian restaurant

Just point me in the direction of
the bar, luv.

Certainly, its just through those doors
over there.

Oi!

Alright, mum?

How you gettin' on, Colin?

Haven't you finished yet?

Been at that for hours!

State of these accounts, Warren...

I can't get me head around them.
They're all over the place.

I've not seen anything like them
in 20 years.

Well, they can't be that bad?

Ya claimed more in expenses than you
earned last year.

I've got a lot of outgoings, haven't I?
Fuel, car insurance,

that holiday wasn't going to pay
for itself!

This is going to take me all evening.

Christ, Colin, what are you working it
out on, a bloody abacus?

Warren, there are are six months
of invoices is missing.

Alright, I'll go have a look.
There may be some in the boot.

Wait, what did Liz say?

Um... we had a good talk, Colin, yeah.

You should have seen me, I was sticking
up for you,

saying what a good bloke you are, and
all of that,

and I think by the end I was really
starting to get through to her.

Oh Warren, that is music to my ears.

Should I call her now?

No, she said leave it till the morning.

So that'll give you time to finish
up the accounts and that, won't it?

How's your food, Liz?

I'm not really that hungry, to be
honest. I don't know why I ordered.

Oh, are you poorly?

No, I chucked me husband out to teach
him a lesson.

And has the cheeky bastard even tried to
grovel? He hasn't even attempted it!

- Alright.
- Where's that waitress?

I wouldn't mind another white wine,
just to wet me whistle.

Is it not wet enough for you now, luv?

Well thanks for dinner.

Where do you thing you're going?

To the... room.

No you're bloody not, you horny little
sod. Sit down!

Mum, you haven't even let us spend a
second alone together all afternoon!

Yes, because you're just like your dad.
I turn my back for one second

and you're pumping anything that moves.
No offence, luv.

Mum, that is utter rubbish. I've slept
with one girl in my entire life!

Really

Well, yeah, I was a late bloomer.

Yes, but you've fallen in love every
other day!

Not like this, though. Me and Preesha
have a proper connection!

I don't know if I'd go that far.

You're better off without a man anyway,
Preesha, 'cause he'll only send your

cruise money to the Crown Prince of
Equatorial bloody Guinea!

Listen, Preesha has paid for this room
for us,

and we're going to have the
night together.

If we want to have sex, we're allowed to
have sex. We're consenting adults.

Okay, can we not have this conversation
in front of your mom?

And if Preesha paid for that room, she
can stay in that room, on her own.

You're bunking in with me and Liz.

We're in love, whether you like it
or not!

Actually you know what? I might just
stay in that room on my own after all.

- I thought we were gonna...
- Thanks for dinner, good night everyone!

- Good night, luv.
- Good night Preesha, enjoy the space.

Who fancies pudding?

- Should we get another bottle?
- Oh Christ...

Why hasn't he called her?

What can I do, Anne?

I told Colin to call her and apologize,
but he wouldn't have it.

He's now got it in his head
that Liz should apologize to him!

How'd he work that out?

I don't know. He's a weird bloke,
always has been.

Christ, I won't tell her that,
she'll go spare.

She's already got a meeting Wednesday
with her solicitor

to talk about divorce proceedings.

Hold on, that's a bit drastic!

Oooh, I mean it, Warren, she's seething!

Alright, I'll bring him to the hotel
tomorrow morning

and they can sort it out.

Yeah good idea, force them to talk.

Let's say 10 o'clock, they should be
finished by then.

Finished what?

Finished... bloody acting like this.

Have you spoken to Charlie today?

Yes he's here, trying to bonk
Preesha Gupta.

I wasn't trying to bonk her.

Shhh, keep the noise down,
your aunt's asleep.

She's not asleep, she's in a coma.

Christ, you haven't been here all night,
have you Colin?

One second... I'm nearly done.
There... sent!

What, all of it? Oh great, thanks mate!

I'll just go have a little lie-down.

No no, we haven't got time. I've got
some good news!

Colin?

Colin, wake up, listen!

I just spoke to Liz, right, and she's
decided that she wants to try

and make things work. That's great news,
isn't it?!

You and her back together again at last!

I'll take you to go see her,

but first have a little wash 'cause your
humming.

No, I don't think I'll bother, Warren.

What?!

I sat here last night thinking,
what have I become?

I'm pathetic.
She deserves better.

Well, she probably does, yeah, but she's
married to you now. Come on, mate!

We should never got married
in the first place

She were better off with
Ken bloody Appleby.

Alright now, Colin, that's enough
of this now.

You don't know how hard I had to work to
get her to see you again.

Tell her I'm sorry, but its over.

What time's he meant to be arriving?

Oooh, not long, and I'm sure he'll have
a big bunch of flowers with him.

He flaming better had! Two days and I've
not heard a peep out of him.

Maybe I should go check on Preesha
just in case she overslept.

Just sit down!

Come on Colin, you're a smashing bloke.

You've got loads going for you. She's
lucky to have you!

You're only saying that 'cause
we're best mates.

I promise you, I'm not.

I'm not sure we really are mates, Colin.

I don't know where you got that from,
I think you're an idiot.

Danny, I need you to help me.

Warren, no, please, I'm nowhere near
finished on my essay.

Will you stop going on about your
shitting essay?

I need you to get in there and help me
get Colin in the car.

Get Colin in the car... why?

Why, why, why?
You sound like a bloody toddler!

Stop asking pointless questions, come in
there and give me a hand!

Tell him something to boost his
confidence.

Tell him he's wonderful or something.

Uncle... Colin?

Its either that, or he ends up getting a
divorce and moving in here for good.

And that leaves Charlie on your floor
for the next ten years

'cause you and me both know that lazy
tosser isn't moving out anytime soon.

Right... what do you need me to do?

They're probably just stuck in traffic.

Maybe they got lost. That satnav has
been playing up for ages.

Let me call Warren.

Morning.

Right, that's it. I'm leaving.

Sorry, I didn't mean to...

No Liz, please, just another five
minutes, you need to talk to him.

Oh I'm going to talk to him, alright.

I'm going to tell him to shove his
marriage up his bollocks.

Oh wait, can we get a lift?

Yes, if you come right now.

I think I'll stay here, actually.

Oh, okay, Mum we're going to stay here.

No. Not with you, Charlie.

All right. Okay, so should I call you?

No, I don't think so, no, its not really
working out.

Yeah cool, yeah, don't matter, yeah,
no... worries.

Come on, Charlie.

Are you sure, because I could always...

- I'm sure.
- Yeah.

Hey Uncle Colin. You alright?

Not really, Danny, me whole life is
falling apart.

Yeah, but... I just wanted to say

what a great couple you and Liz are.

You're a lovely man. I've always
admired ya.

- Really?
- Yeah.

That's kind.

What do you admire about me?

You're good with numbers... and stuff,
y'know, with your job and that.

Haven't worked in months.

Okay, not that then.

You don't mind people laughing at you.

Who's laughing at me?

No, you're right, I'm a laughing stock.

I'll bet Prince N'Kogo is sat in his
castle right now laughing his head off.

Oh for Christ's sake, Colin,
just get in the car.

- Colin!
- Hi Liz.

- Where is he?!
- Liz!

Don't you start the water works
now, mate.

Oh baby, I'm so sorry!

- I haven't heard a peep out of you.
- I've missed you so much!

Jesus, Colin, you look horrendous. It's
only been two days.

I love you with all my heart.

Please, is there any way you could
ever forgive me?

Oh, Colin...

- I'll never hurt you ever again.
- Why didn't you ring?

I wanted to, really I did,

but Warren kept telling me to give you
some space instead.

And then he took me phone off me.

Why'd you take his phone off him, Warren?

Oh its not Warren's fault, he were only
trying to help.

He even let me crack on with fixing some
stuff around the house as well

to take me mind off things.

- Oh, that were good of him.
- Yeah!

Well I only did the light fitting,
really, and Charlie's bed,

and the bathroom tap, and the coat hooks
in the hallway,

and that shelf in the kitchen... oh shit
I still have to do the shoe cupboard.

Don't worry about that now, mate.

I got sidetracked doing his tax return.

Oh, what were you doing that for?
You know what your therapist said!

Well I only did it so Warren could go
'round and talk to you.

Wha... he never came 'round to talk to me!

Well it doesn't matter who said what
to who at this point.

I think what matters now is the fact
that the two of you are back together

and that's lovely.

Warren, you've been lying to all of us!

I've been helping!

You've been doing the bloody opposite
of helping!

I did all your accounts for you, Warren.

I saved you a couple of grand,
ya shithouse!

Two grand? Bloody brilliant, Colin!

You selfish, selfish man,
Warren Thompson!

Hang on, I'm not the villain in all
this.

I'm not the tit that got stitched up by
The Fresh Prince of Wherever...

Right, well I tell you what. Warren's
going to give you every penny of that

money Colin saved him so you can both
go on holiday after all.

Not a chance.

- Really? Would you do that, for us?
- No!

It might not be too late. I could give
the cruise company a call.

There's no bloody way I'm buying them a
holiday.

Yes you bloody are. Liz, Colin, we'd
love to treat you to a cruise.

Thank you so much! That's amazing!

- I love you, Liz. I don't deserve you.
- Oh, come here.

- Oh god you stink!
- Sorry!

- Go and get your chequebook.
- Anne?

- Chequebook!
- Arrrr...

- Oh, look at this one, Warren, don't it
look lovely? - Yeah.

Liz says they're having an
amazing time.

Although Colin's been sea sick
for most of it.

Good.

They're going paragliding later.

I suppose they want me to bloody pay for
that as well.

Sorry about you and Preesha, luv.
She seemed like a lovely girl.

Well I just got bored of her in the end

y'know, so I decided to call it a day.

No you didn't. She dumped you.

And she said stop texting her 'cause her
new boyfriend doesn't like it.

Oh, you are bloody kidding me!

- Colin's messed up my tax return.
- What do you mean?

It says he's got all the calculations
wrong and now

I'm going to get fined for it
being late!

After everything I did for him!

Liz says that's why he used to get so
stressed at work.

He was terrible at it!

What a knob head!