Original subtitles

Subtitles by explosiveskull

'So I can't catch up on the DVR.'

'It just doesn't matter how hard I try.'

'And I don't have the time to try. That's the problem.'

'You need to take a day off, take a little TV vacay.'

- 'A TV vacay?' - 'Yeah.'

'So I'm supposed to take a day off from work'

'so I can catch up on all the programs on my DVR?'

'Turn your phone off, relax and catch up.'

'Okay, first of all, turning the phone off is not an option.'

'Second of all, relaxing is for pussies.'

'Do I look like a pussy to you?'

'Well, pussies are caught up on "The Hard Life."'

'Yeah, I-I can't watch that show.'

'I just can't do it.'

'It's the best show on TV'

'and you just stopped watchin'?'

Yeah, because I felt like I was being told I had to watch.

Don't tell me I have to watch. Just let me watch. I'm smart.

Look, I'm a writer/musician.

So I know when things are good or bad.

You do. You have an aesthetic.

'And "The Hard Life" is a good show'

but there are bad things about it.

Well, there's bad things about everything

if you look hard enough.

It's what I do as a producer.

Exactly. The castin' on that show is horrendous.

I mean, castin' a mentally disabled person

'to basically play himself? It's exploitation.'

I'm sorry, which one's retarded?

'Smash, the big, ugly guy'

who smashes beer cans on his forehead.

I love when the guy does that.

I literally laugh out loud. And I don't laugh.

But, come on, it's so over the top.

Even if he's retarded, nobody's that retarded.

You should talk to my agent.

- You textin' your boyfriend? - Yeah.

Just telling him I wish he existed.

Oh!

That's funny.

Have I seen you at an audition before?

- Um.. - I think I have. I have.

- The-the popcorn commercial. - Yeah.

That one was so weird with the puppets and everything.

They were so creepy, right? Did you get called back on that?

Yeah, but I didn't book it.

You should have. You are so freakin' hot.

I mean, I saw you when you walked in. You're delicious.

Oh, thank you.

You're so perceptive.

- Are you alright? - Yeah.

Because you look terrible.

E-excuse me?

Uh, well, like you've been cryin'.

Are you okay? Did-did, did someone hurt you?

No. I'm fine.

I-I just got off work.

I look terrible?

Yes, you look terrible.

Look, dear, if you need someone to talk to

my name is Margaret. I'm here with friends.

- Okay. - Don't hesitate.

I look fine.

Yo, yo, yo, you-you can't park this here, man.

Why?

Because this is for people going to that restaurant.

Yeah, I'm having dinner.

- At-at this place? - Yes.

Okay.

What the fuck happened to your car, man?

What do you mean?

I mean, did you get into an accident

on your way here or what?

No, it's just old, you know, city driving.

Oh, sure, you know, 'cause, I mean

it looks like you drove it through a fuckin' sandstorm.

Wash your car, man.

Seriously.

I mean, if-if you don't respect what you drive

you don't respect yourself.

- Yeah. - I-I-I, you know..

I-I never get called back for anything

but I'm takin' classes, you know

just kind of workin' on my craft

and hopefully I find my voice here, you know?

- I'm sure you will. - Yeah, yeah.

In the meantime, I'm trainin' to be a personal trainer.

I'm trainin' to train.

That's what I like to say, right?

I should put that on a T-shirt, right?

I mean, that, that is, that is funny stuff.

Oh, okay.

Well, alright, alright.

You guys are officially the hottest chicks

in this place.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Amy, stop. He's just being sweet.

Sweet? Okay.

Sweet. You girls want a piece of cake?

Two. Now, leave.

I'm Syd, by the way.

My name's Dean.

Like James.

- Jesus Christ! - I think he's so cute.

- He's a waiter. - So?

Maybe he's in a place right now where this is what he has to do.

- He's a waiter. - So..

Who are we to judge other people?

Syd, he's a waiter.

Amy, I'm a waiter.

So it doesn't mean you have to date one.

You're right.

Yeah.

Smash?

Hey, you're Smash, right, from "The Hard Life?"

Yeah, yeah. Uh, uh, actually my name is Matt.

Oh, Smash. You are hilarious, man!

I wish you had a beer can right now.

You know what I mean? So you can..

You know, right? You know what I mean?

Yeah, a beer can..

You should carry one around with you, man.

I am serious, so-so you can do

you know, what you do on the show.

You know, uh, you get the TV.. Smash!

Right? Smash!

- I love that shit. - Yeah.

Oh, man, I wish I get paid to do shit like that.

I, I really do. Hey, hey, how do you..

How do you get on TV?

Uh, uh, you know, if you can just give me a little jam

a little token, a little, little tip

that'd be just much appreciated.

You know, I'm meetin' a friend here for dinner, so, uh..

Wow, so you're not a handy person?

No, no, I-I-I'm an actor.

So I guess there's somethin' wrong with me, right?

I was just jokin'.

I'd like to photograph you.

Please, just park my car. Okay, please?

- How much you gonna tip me? - What?

Oh, I'm, I'm sorry.

Do you have enough cash

to give me a tip?

Yes, I have plenty...

'Cause you know, if you don't

there's a machine right around the corner.

I have cash. I have cash.

Everyone says that, but people are liars.

Here's a thought.

Maybe people don't tip you

because you're not a nice person.

Y-you are nice?

Move to fuckin' Nebraska.

It's all about bein' seen.

Go to more clubs and openings.

- Do you have a publicist? - No.

I haven't actually done anything.

Well, that doesn't matter.

When you're good-looking as you are

you don't have to have done anything.

- Really? - Yeah, yeah.

The good-looking people can be plugged into anything.

It's the very specific and odd types

that actually have to have talent.

And even that's not always the case.

Oh! Hey, Dave, you're late.

I know, I know. I'm sorry, okay? I had to work late.

Hey, well, now that your buddy is here

I'll let you guys get to it.

Yeah, it was nice to meet you.

Hey, nice to meet you, too, bro.

Big fan, big fan!

Thanks.

Enjoy the rest of your dinner.

Oh, right, sorry. Didn't mean to intrude.

We'll be over here with the non-television actors.

Okay.

I'll just give you a few minutes to look over the menu.

I mean, just 'cause a guy's hot doesn't mean

you need to waste your time with him.

Okay, but I just can't follow

the rules like you, okay?

I have to follow my heart.

Well, your heart's stupid.

- My heart is not stupid. - Hm.

Okay, remember Tito?

The club promoter who took you to the Dominican Republic

and then left you there?

Okay, I had an adventure

and I learned a lot of Spanish.

What about Dan, the snowboarder

who had sex with your sister at the X Games?

Well, they fell in love and, you know..

That baby is so cute.

Or the guy who gave you lice

and then took a dump in your shower..

- What was his name again? - Domingo.

Yeah, fuck that guy. That guy was an asshole.

Asshole? Then why'd you date him?

Fine, you know what, you're so quick to judge

my awful choices, but what about yours?

I don't make awful choices. I'm perfect.

This is what happens when you're late.

I'm sorry.

Because of you, I just got torn apart

by Jerry Fuck-heimer.

I'm really sorry.

It's alright. I just hate everyone.

I know. You say it all the time.

Huh, I do, don't I?

So, ladies?

We're talking. Just walk away.

But I-I, I thought we had a like a...

Look, we're lesbians.

- That's even better. - It's not happening.

Just walk away, you himbo, walk away.

Uh.. Okay, yeah.

- You are so mean. - Thank you.

You know, you've been here for, like, ten seconds?

Are people born evil or does society turn them

into monsters, demons, devils?

- What's this guy's name again? - Darren.

You realize how cliche it is to hate your boss?

But he's so hate-able.

Just 'cause he went to Dartmouth

he thinks his dick is made of whipped cream.

What does that mean?

- It's an Ivy League thing. - Okay.

He just made me rewrite my episode

for the fifth time.

We're the lowest-rated cartoon on basic cable

and he thinks he's Aaron Sorkin.

- How old is he again? - Twenty five.

Yeah, fuck that guy.

I am killing myself for a show

that barely entertains six-year-olds.

Well, at least you're not retarded.

See, this is your problem, you never leave your house.

So you don't know how to talk to real people.

Okay, I will have you know that I am considered

the coolest person in my office.

Okay.

Are you listening to yourself?

'Cause that's the saddest thing I've ever heard.

Yeah, that really was pretty pathetic. Fine. Okay, fine.

Then what-what am I supposed to do about it?

- We're going out... to a bar. - No!

Matt, you promised me. I need this.

You need what?

I need to drink some drinks

and talk to some ladies.

Dave, you're not gonna talk to anyone.

No, but you are

and then I'm gonna slide into the conversation.

Look, talkin' to women in the city

is not that interesting.

That may be true, but what if

what if there are interesting people out there?

Fascinating, intelligent, diamonds in the rough

and we just haven't met them yet.

Alright, keep it in your pants, John Hughes.

No, no, no. I am not going to a bar...

- Amy. - Syd.

I am your friend. Let me help you.

We're going to a bar.

Fine, but I will not have fun.

Fine. How about this?

You, my friend, have a morbid and perverse sense of humor.

Now you're speakin' my language...

So perverse that you genuinely enjoy

watching human beings unravel before your very eyes.

Of course. Who doesn't?

I have had a very long week

and I guarantee that this will be one of those nights

where I completely fall apart.

Now, that sounds great.

Where are we goin'?

- Excuse me! - This guy's unbelievable.

Hey, two vodka cranberries, please.

Uh, can I get a white wine instead?

Wait. Wine? What, are you divorced?

Look at this place. The wine's probably been open for months.

Fine. Can I have a vodka cranberry?

And I'll just say that I have a urinary-tract infection.

Uh, okay.

I wish I was a pretty girl.

Excuse me?

I wish I could just walk up to the bar and order

no matter who else was standing there.

What are you saying?

I think we cut in front on them.

Well, there's a natural order to things. We're in a bar.

You guys should know it's ladies first.

Maybe that's why you're alone right now.

Later, dudes.

Well, alright..

Uh, those girls are such bitches.

- Which is very attractive. - I guess.

Did that girl look familiar to you?

The one that looks like she's been cryin'?

No, no, no. The other one.

Never seen her before in my life.

I feel like I know her from somewhere.

- You want me to go ask her? - No, no, absolutely not.

They were very attractive, but had negative attitudes.

There's too much uncertainty there to make the first move.

You're a dork.

Yeah, that's about right.

Hey, buddy!

- No, there's no one here. - Hey!

But..

I wish I had a hook!

- I don't know about you, uh.. - Amy.

I don't know about you, Amy

but I've gotten really into cheese this summer.

Oh, wow!

I don't know if you know this

but there are more types of cheese

than there are types of wines.

Yeah, like, 20 times more.

That's interesting.

I mean, when I drink wine, I like to have

a couple of different cheeses to choose from.

Uh..

- Cheese. - What?

You don't pluralize cheese. It's improper to say cheeses.

- Thank you. - That's not true.

I think he knows what he's talking about.

He dated a girl who worked at Cheese And Thank You.

He dated a girl?

Wait, but what about when you're at a party

and someone says, "Please enjoy these meats and cheeses?"

- Yeah, those people are wrong. - And stupid.

- Stupid and dumb. - Dumb and dumber.

- Liar, liar. - Pants on fire.

Fire starter.

- Drew Barrymore! - Drew Barrymore!

We got there naturally.

You know you're flirting with each other, right?

- Who are you? - Yeah, you wish.

Well, this is going really well.

Hey, girl, hey! Where you been at?

Oh, my God, Reggie!

If you hired another bartender, you'd sell double the drinks!

I shall not be giving this place a good review!

- Good one. - Thank you.

So who are you gonna start talkin' to?

There's nobody here worth talkin' to.

It feels like we're drinkin' in an Urban Outfitters.

You don't give the citizens of this city enough credit.

Have a little faith in humanity.

God, I need a drink.

I guess I could try to be more positive.

Yeah.

What's up, you fucking cock smokers?

Why are you two alone? Oh!

Are you guys like gay boyfriends or something?

Nope, I was right. Everyone is terrible.

It's about time you get some pussy

you fucking faggots.

Ladies.

Uh, what? Unbelievable!

We've been waiting for 15 minutes.

I will have a starburst

and she will have..

- A man in a van! - I don't know what that is.

It's a glassful of vodka, no ice

with a piece of hard candy at the bottom. Duh.

'Cause if you want the candy, you gotta..

- ...like, get super fucked! - Like, get super fucked!

Oh, my God.

This is a bar. I don't have hard candy.

Shit! Fine!

I'll have black coffee with rum in it.

Ugh, that cannot taste good.

It doesn't. It tastes like hot shit.

Then why did you order it?

I don't know, dad!

Maybe 'cause I wanted to!

Hey, listen, you're buying our drinks, Mr. Actor Man.

We know! We know who you are, Mr. Actor Man.

So, Smash, I love you.

My name's actually Matt.

This is Dave.

- That's Kimber. - 'Bout it. 'Bout it.

And I'm Chair.

- Chair? - No, Chair.

Chair, like something you sit on?

No, Chair, like my name.

What is your full name?

Charlotte.

That's Char, not Chair.

There is no "Chair" in Charlotte.

Yeah, there is.

Whoa..

Boys, I don't, uh, normally do this

but I love the show, those are on me.

Thanks, man.

And so... is this empty beer can.

Okay.

It was so nice to meet you.

Fine, walk away!

It's like you're on your fucking period!

Later on! And legalize gay, right?

What?

Well, that was fun.

I know it seems bad, okay?

- Yeah, I think I'm gonna leave. - Wait, no, don't leave yet.

- We're so close. I can feel it. - So close to what?

I don't know. I'm makin' this up as I go along.

Hey, are you in that show?

Yeah.

- What show? - You know "The Hard Life."

The one about the people in the trailer park.

Oh, yeah. I heard that's good. I keep meaning to watch it.

She's never gonna watch it. She doesn't watch TV.

Well, he's very good in it. So you should start watching TV.

Thank you, but, uh, I encourage reading

because, let's be honest, it's fundamental.

Now, where do I know you from?

- Uh... - You know Dave?

I feel I do. Are you in a show too?

- Uh, no, I'm a writer. - What do you write?

- Uh, I write for...- - He writes for TV.

Wait. Do you do yoga?

- Yes. - You do yoga?

- Yes. - Oh, my God.

- What? - Oh, my God, you're that guy.

He's the one I've been telling you about.

You're the guy who stares at my butt the whole class.

What? No, no, no, I, I don't stare at your butt. No.

- How often do you do yoga? - Not often.

'He's there like three times a week.'

- Like three times a week. - Ew.

So, do you like get off on that type of thing?

- Do you get yoga boners? - No, I get regular boners.

At home, in private.

And I'm not staring at your butt, I'm just focusing

straight ahead and trying to stay balanced.

Dave, I'm so proud of you, I didn't know

you were such a pervert.

Ha-ha-ha-ha. I'm not a pervert.

I'm just bad at yoga, okay? That's it.

Hey, listen, I don't care.

It's impossible to do yoga

without staring at someone's ass.

- Right. - Right.

How about I show you that we're cool?

- I'll buy the next round. - That would be stupendous.

Yeah, the problem is we only drink really high-end beer

from like, up north.

- Yeah. - Like a northern state.

Like a local, like, you know, microbrewery

Ma and Pa type of mix..

How about the cheapest beer they have?

- I guess. - Yeah, okay.

- Unless we have to? - I guess.

I mean, we'll drink it.

Oh, my gosh! They were just having sex.

And you know Felicia's a hot mess.

She'll be all up in the bus trying to get

all these boys try to talk to her on a bus.

Like really? On a, like a, on a bus?

Fuck is wrong with her?

Go get a car. Get a grip. Five-Gs.

If you had a daughter

and she had to marry a member of NSYNC

which one would you want her to marry?

- Joey Fatone. - Wow, that was fast.

Joey Fatone seems like a solid nice guy.

Have you thought about this before?

- Yes, I have. - You're so dumb.

- Uh, Dave. - Mm-hm.

What TV mom have you fantasized about?

Mrs. Huxtable.

Clair Huxtable?

- Bill Cosby's wife? - Yes.

She's a lawyer, she's take charge

but there is an underline

sensuality that cannot be ignored.

- You fantasized about her? - Oh, my God!

- Yes. - You are a pervert.

You said you'd have sex with Tom Selleck.

Yeah, I would fuck him, right now on that bar.

- Am I right? - Oh, yeah.

- Oh, man. - Phylicia Rashad?

- Yes. - Oh, my goodness.

- She's sexy. - Yes.

Still, I guarantee you, still is. She's still got.

It's you to Syd.

Uh, if you could do any job

other than the one you're doing now, what would it be?

An actor.

I thought you were an actor.

I'm, I'm just a waitress.

That's all I really do, I'm a..

I'm a waitress tryin' to be an actor.

It's very cliche and stupid.

It's, it's not stupid.

It's just, it just happens.

Whose question is it? Um, me to you.

What would you rather have, um, two noses or three butts?

- Uh, two... - That's a terrible question.

- I'm sorry. - Three butts?

Okay, how about this, if you could be in

any movie ever made, what movie would it be?

- Hm. - Okay. Okay.

Alright, if it's a good movie, I don't wanna be in it

'cause I don't wanna mess up a good thing.

So the question is what bad movie do I think

I can make better?

And I would say "Newsies."

I could dance circles around Christian Bale.

- "Newsies" is not a bad movie. - You dance?

What the fuck?

Do any of you guys smoke?

- Yeah. - You want to go outside?

- Okay. - Okay.

Okay.

- Should we join them? - Yeah, good!

- Yeah, let's go there! - Lets go up.

- I only smoke when I drink. - And?

I drink a lot.

It's impossible to just have a drink outside a bar

without drowning in cigarettes.

That's a funny thing to think about.

What?

Someone drowning in cigarettes.

It sounds like an anti-smoking ad

where, you know, someone jumps into a pool

filled with cigarettes and drowns.

Yeah, but why is that funny?

'Cause they're drowning. It's..

Okay.

So, like, where to next?

- Uh, okay. - Uh.. Whoa!

- Oh, that's my.. - Sshh.

Where is the party, butt fucker?

Ladies, this is my wife.

Are you wearing my jacket?

What jacket?

Honey, you're wearing a jacket right now.

Oh. Yeah.

Did you steal that from inside?

I was cold. I didn't steal it, I'm not a stealer.

May I please have my jacket back?

- Stop being so rude. - Yeah.

I'm a lady..

...and I need your jacket.

Well, I don't want you to throw up on it.

You don't know..

...what I'm gonna do.

See I don't throw up anymore.

I love myself.

Okay. Um, why don't you just give him back his jacket, honey?

Don't be like that, you dumb bitch.

You don't even know me.

Oh, but I do.

You think you're a unique, special flower

but you're not.

You're just fuck-able.

And since guys want to fuck you, they lie to you

and act like it's cute when you get drunk

and scream in bars.

But one day, when you're older..

...fuck-able will go away and no one

will want you anymore.

But don't worry, no one will call you a loser or a failure

because your existence

will never be worth the word "Failure."

Everyone will just ignore you and forget you

because you're worthless.

So, in ten years, when I see you

and you look at me with dead eyes

from behind the counter of a Burger King

the only words that I wanna hear come out of your mouth

are "Please kill me."

And I won't

because you're not worth it.

Holy shit.

That was fucking amazing.

Are you okay?

Uh, yeah. I'm shaking, but I, I'm fucking great.

'That was the meanest thing I've ever heard.'

Oh, damn it, she still has my jacket

but that was totally worth it.

Do you guys want to go to another bar?

I wanna get, I wanna get drunk.

Yeah. This place is dead anyway.

Wait, I'm sorry, you want to go to another bar?

Yeah. This dumb bitch wants to get crunk.

She's gonna kill herself.

You, you may have caused a death...

- Should I apologize? - Oh, no.

- I don't think... - Yeah, hell no.

- Hey, guy. - Yes, hello.

How may I help you?

We're leaving if you want our table.

Oh, that's great, thanks. Gracias.

What did you just say to me?

I said "Gracias." The Spanish phrase for thank you.

I was just fucking with you. Man, come on, sit down.

- Don't be afraid, come on. - Come on, guys.

- Thanks. - Let's go girls.

You guys have a great night.

Remember, life is made up of experiences.

And the greatest experience of all, is love.

Embrace it.

- Well, that was unexpected. - This place is fantastic.

See, why do I make these assumptions?

I thought that guy was gonna punch me, but he didn't.

He's a really nice guy with a heart of gold.

He could kick your ass if he wanted to, though.

You don't know that. I mean, he probably could, yes.

But you don't know that.

Why are we ruled by these assumptions?

Why do we assume that that guy is a bad guy, you know.

I mean, why do I assume that this girl is a whore?

I'm not talking about you. Why?

Because she's dressed like one.

I'm still not talking about you.

I mean, for all we know, she could be a doctor scientist

on the verge of curing baby cancer.

I'm a stripper.

Yes, but we can't assume that.

- That's what I'm saying. - Stop yelling at strangers.

I'm not yelling at people.

I'm just talking about assumptions.

Oh, fine. Fine.

What assumptions are you making about this place?

Huh.. Well, I hate fruity drinks.

So I assume I'll hate the drinks of this place.

- Okay. - So what's your point?

I'm ordering the fruitiest drink in here

and I'm getting all of you the same thing.

- Okay. - He's kind of intense.

- Yeah, he doesn't get out much. - Yeah, well, neither does she.

Shut up.

So, Matt, are you working on anything right now?

Uh, yeah, the two of you, how am I doin'?

Hey..

Terrible, if you keep making jokes like that.

- Okay. - Hm.

No, I mean, are you still filming "The Hard Life?"

Uh, yeah, no.. Yeah, yeah.

I'm, uh.. I'm only in one episode in this season

so I have a lot of free time.

Oh, well, you must audition a ton.

Yeah, I, I audition.

Is that bad? I mean you don't seem very excited about it.

It seems like it's awesome.

Syd, I don't think he wants to talk about it.

No, it's okay. It's okay, it's okay.

Uh, the show that I'm on.

- "The Hard Life?" It's amazing. - Yes. Yes.

It's amazing. It's the best show ever, it's amazing.

- Matt plays Smash on the show. - Yeah.

Who's Smash?

He is a semi-retarded man child

who smashes beer cans on his head, hence the name Smash.

Okay, that is a little on the nose.

- 'It is.' - It has to be fun though.

It is. It is fun.

For like, the two weeks a year, I get to shoot

but for the other 50, I can't get other jobs

because people are disappointed that I'm not actually

you know, semi-retarded.

- People are so stupid. - You have no idea.

One time, I got invited to a telethon for autism

and I was like, awesome, I'll go, I'll work the phones.

You know, go on TV, wave.

They wanted to use me as a success story

of how you can overcome your challenges.

Yikes.

Well, at least you get recognized.

And I realize that I have no right

to complain about any of this

because there are a million people who would kill

to be in my place and that makes me feel

like an asshole and hate myself.

So it's a classic Kobayashi Maru.

What the fuck is that?

An extremely nerdy Star Trek reference

that I already regret bringing up.

Why don't you just embrace the attention

and see where it takes you?

I.. Yeah.

Embrace it? Re..

What the fuck is wrong with you people?

Look, alright, if you're so sick of everyone thinkin'

that you're some caricature, do something what you're not.

You know, make something, write something

where you get to be a real person, like, a play

or a movie or whatever.

And if you really wanna be an actor

if that's really what you care about, then go and do theatre.

Those people actually care about talent.

Oh, you think I'm talented?

I've tried to find a way to disagree with you

but I'm having a hard time.

Boo-yah.

- Alright. - Damn.

You get a fruity drink and you get a fruity drink.

'Have you already had a couple?'

Yeah, the bartender gave me a couple of shots

big ones and I'm feeling good.

In fact, this calls for a toast.

May the Tiki Gods, who have blessed us

with these many flavors of rum, continue to bless this night

bless these burgeoning friendships and bless our lives.

- End of toast. Let's get drunk. - Yeah.

Hey, guys, how we doin'? Are we havin' fun?

So there's Polynesia, okay, and there's French Polynesia

which is basically the same thing except they speak French.

'And then, what a lot of people don't know is that'

Tonga is actually part of Micronesia

which is basically in the same area but also..

Just one more time, one more time. Let's feel it.

Let's feel it.

Feel it, feel it. Feel it.

Aw, man. Ah, yeah.

Bye.

- This bitch is taking forever. - I wonder what she's doing.

Well, either she's taking a shit

or she's snorting cocaine

but either way she's taking forever!

I've never done coke.

I was always too afraid of it, you know.

Seems so dangerous. Coke.

Yeah, it's overrated.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

Makes you feel really smart and interesting

while you're doing really dumb things

like dating musicians

dancing to techno music.

- Ah, sounds terrible. - Yeah.

What drugs have you done?

- Um, I have done weed. - Mm-hm.

Ecstasy, mushrooms, and ketamine, not many.

- Yeah. - Is that all?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Hey, uh, do you, uh, wanna use the men's?

- And I'll just watch the door. - Really?

- Yeah-yeah. - Oh, thank you.

Were you just yelling at the door?

No.

Right, no, it sounded like a girls voice.

Yeah, some girl, she left, she's crazy.

She left, she's crazy.

Why is everyone always in such a hurry?

Life is a highway

and then if you drive too fast, you're gonna miss the off-ramp.

And that's where the real fun happens.

Yeah, yeah.

Whatever, I got my bumps in before work.

Speaking of work, I'm dancing tonight..

...at the Lion's Den.

- Oh, great. - You can come by.

I'm gonna give you the first two, or three dances for free.

- Okay. - Okay, don't be a dick.

Don't pick a long song.

My name is Rainbow Sherbert.

- Yeah. - Okay.

- So, okay? - Yeah.

- I will see you soon. - Okay. I'll be there.

- Okay, Smash. - Okay. See ya.

- Smash. - Right.

Smash.

Holy shit!

- That was amazing. - Did you hear that?

- Yes. - Her name's Rainbow Sherbert.

- That's ridiculous. - So bad.

Well, she obviously doesn't know me at all.

Great hallway though. Good job, hallway.

I can't believe.. You actually like your job?

- Sure. - Nobody likes their job.

- That's why it's called a job. - Yeah.

Otherwise it'll be called a fun.

- I love my nine to five fun. - Dave, you're screaming.

- My point still stands. - What'd you do again?

I'm a market analyst for an LA based hedge fund.

- And you like that? - Yup, I like that.

'I get a free car, provided by my company.'

I like that I live in LA, but I'm not in the business.

I like that I don't have to deal with people very much.

Just numbers. Oh, and I get three weeks paid vacation.

Yeah, but when was the last time you took a vacation?

- Two years. - 'Mm-hm.'

Jesus, has it been that long?

They pay for your vacation?

- Three weeks. - Okay, I take it back.

Point. Advantage, Amy.

Service to you, Matt.

What game are we playing right now?

We're playing conversational tennis.

Will you please keep up?

Okay, I'm gonna go get him some water.

Yeah, it's probably a good idea.

- Two waters. - Thank you.

He's my friend.

Mm.

Yeah, and so that's why I'm doin' what I'm doin'.

Wh-what?

Didn't you ask me a question?

- No one said anything. - What are you talking about?

Oh, my job. My ambition is gone.

- What's your job again? - "Chub Cha Boo."

- What? - "Chub Cha Boo."

Are-are those words?

How drunk are you?

The name of the TV show

that I write for is called "Chub Cha Boo."

- Oh. - What is that even mean?

Oh, you've never heard of the show?

Oh, well, then, perhaps this will ring a bell.

♪ Fighting for the people using hugs as power ♪

♪ Hugs as power ♪

♪ Flying through the trees ♪

♪ Never hurting a flower ♪

♪ Never hurt a flower ♪

♪ Chub Cha Boo ♪

♪ He's a friend till the end and forever ♪

♪ Chub Cha Boo ♪

♪ He will send his magic to you ♪

♪ Chub Cha Boo ♪♪

Bravo, bravo, bravo.

Ah, it's a kid show about a magical panda bear

and his side kick, Yum Yum, the goat.

They fight evil with hugs and positivity.

- It is huge in Korea. - Well, that's not so bad.

Well, I write for the American version.

- Oh. - Oh..

Ba-zingo!

- Do, do you mean bingo? - Yes, that's what I said.

- Thank you. - What're we talking about?

Dave was telling us about Chubby Boo Boo.

"Chub Cha Boo" is what it is called.

- How much did he tell you? - He sang us the theme song.

Jesus, Dave, I was gone for like two minutes.

Well, then I hope you learned your lesson.

Have you ever tried writing on a different show?

Hm, hm, no, I'm not interested

in putting myself out there.

It's just a job, it's not dating.

Well, Matt, much like dating

I don't want to get rejected anymore.

- But you came out tonight? - Yeah, what's your point?

You came out tonight

and any girl could have rejected you.

I mean we could've rejected you, but we didn't.

- But you did. - No.

The first time we talked to you, you were mean to us

and then Matt turned to me, and he goes "That was sexy."

- No, I didn't. - You did?

- Yes, you did. - No, no.

- Yes, you did. - No, I didn't.

Yes, you did. Don't you be a lair, Matthew.

- Okay. - Don't you lie to me.

Don't you look at my face and lie to me.

Anyways, in the end, we didn't reject you.

We came out and now, we're all having fun.

You guys are super cool, we just got lucky with you guys.

Hey, but who's to say you won't get lucky again?

Listen, you cannot be scared

and just run away from everything.

You gotta put your balls out there

even if they might get chopped off.

- Wow, very graphic. - Yeah.

Yeah, that's so graphic, I don't want my balls to get chopped...

No, but, even if they do, it's okay

because they'll grow back.

I don't think that's possible.

I don't know, I'm not a starfish.

All I'm trying to say is that the only things

that are worth achieving

are the things that take risk to achieve.

Holy fucking crap, you're smart.

At least that's what I keep telling myself.

Conversational tennis is over.

New game, new game that I'm inventing

right now, right here is called... Risk!

- That's already a game. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

With the countries and the armies and stuff, yeah.

Okay, then I shall call my new game..

...Risky Business!

- That's a movie. - Uh, yeah.

With the cruise and the sex and the train, right.

Okay, how about... Risk it?

Does it need a name?

I am a creative person, so yes.

Okay. How do we play the game? We all love games.

Oh, we go to a house party.

- Where is this party? - It's at Rick Ramsey's house.

Wait, you guys know Rick Ramsey?

- Yeah, do you? - Yeah.

We've been friends for like two years.

Man, everybody knows Rick Ramsey.

Yeah, everybody knows Rick Ram!

You guys didn't like date, did you?

- What? Oh, my God, no. - Oh.

- No. - Good 'cause...

- No, I mean he's great... - Yeah.

Yeah, he's, but.. No.

Okay, who's driving?

I cannot, I will admit it.

- You sure about it? - I just, I'm..

I just started to feel it.

- Hey. - It's us, we're the people.

- We're the people. - Hi.

Hey, and hey, I just watched

you come here on my phone.

Yeah, I saw you drive up. Technology is scary.

- Yeah. - Where are you folks headed?

Oh, uh, we are going to 1620, Buena Loma.

Not a problem.

Do you know where that is?

Absolutely, sweetheart. That's my job.

You kids just sit back and enjoy the ride.

I'll get you there safely and in no time at all.

You see, time flies by when you're in good company.

And I can tell you folks are good company.

Thank you. That's really sweet.

- What are you doin'? - Oh, hello.

Hi. Don't stare at my boobs, weirdo.

Oh, I'm sorry, they're just right there.

I was thinking about something and then I zoned out

and I just so happened to be staring at your chest.

- I'm not a weirdo. - It's okay.

I'm just a human man.

No, it's not that big of a deal.

Okay, good.

- But they are a good sized... - Oh, it's okay, alright.

- You can stop now. - Damn it.

- Sorry, he's really drunk. - It's okay.

You don't, you don't have it

always together either, buddy.

- Oh, wait, so what's your name? - Wanda Eileen Dubois.

But just call me Wanda.

Wanda, you're a wonderful driver.

Well, thank you, honey.

Do people tell you that enough?

No, you'd be surprised by the good in people

if you just give 'em a chance.

- You're very positive. - What's the alternative?

Being a rain cloud here in Southern California?

Now that just don't fit.

- Yeah. - You're amazing!

- I guess. - Just great.

So is this a double date

or are you still trying to figure out

who to pair with who?

Jesus, Wanda, that's-that's a little on the nose.

Well, I'd really not beat around the bush, you know.

In this city there ain't enough time in the day

to plant bushes.

- What? - Yeah, I guess.

No, we're just out having fun.

We all just met tonight actually.

- Really? - Yeah.

Well, good for you.

These are the times that make life worth living.

Good times. G-Ts.

I meet a lot of people looking for just

one or two of those in a lifetime.

I mean, think about it

if Alice hadn't followed that rabbit down that hole

then she'd just be another spoiled English bitch

sleepin' under a tree.

Wanda, you are blowing my mind.

That's my job.

I need to know which roads are the best

if I'm gonna take people to where they wanna go.

One way or the other.

Are you a ghost?

I don't think so.

Well, we're here.

But just because you've arrived at your destination

doesn't mean the journey's over.

Sydney, don't worry, you're gonna find that thing in life

that fits you so well, it's all you're ever gonna wanna wear.

And Amy, you're a beautiful flower.

All you need is a little water, sunshine and TLC.

Matt, sweetie, get your head out of your ass.

Thanks, Wanda. Have a good night.

- And David, call your mother. - Mm-hm.

I will, Wanda. I will.

Hey, Matt, do it again.

Seriously? Hey, fuck you, dick.

And so I booked this shop the other day

and they basically said "Hey, you just have to come

and you just have to show your feet."

And it's, like, just sneakers, can you believe that?

I get paid to do that. That's insane, right?

Hey, we're going at it, right. Boom boom boom boom boom boom.

I looked in the doorway, it's cracked open

her mom is watching.

- No. - No!

- Mom is watching. - No.

- Yeah. - 'Pretty good.'

- It looks killer. - Syd!

Hey, girl!

V! Hi.

- Hi, hi, hi. - What're you doing here?

Oh, you know, I'm, um, I'm friends with Jerry

who, who knows Rick Ramsey?

Yeah. Everybody knows the Rick Ram.

- Oh, this is my friend, Amy. - Hey.

Yeah, Jerry and I actually were working

on this project last week it's like this, like experimental

short film, music video thing

that actually this guy that used to be McG's assistant

he wrote and produced the whole thing.

So, it's getting like a lot of heat around town.

Um, so, I'm, I'm everything, you know, I'm excited

I'm nervous, I'm, I'm super hopeful, um, and it's great.

The whole thing's, um, MOS

because it's a music video, right?

So, um, I'm not really worried

that I don't have lines as of right now

because, you know, I really got to stretch myself.

I stretched myself so much and you know

it's not about like me as one person, you know.

Like not everything is me, me, me.

It's like about the project as a whole.

You know, what I mean? And I'm just..

I'm just falling in love with "The Craft."

Oh, "The Craft," the movie with the witches?

- What? - Yeah, the movie, "The Craft."

You know with Fairuza Balk?

I used to love that movie too

when I was 12.

Okay, here's mine. Here's mine. Okay.

Alright, here's mine. We dated for two weeks.

The whole time she told me her name was Julia.

Then offhandedly one day she tells me

her name is actually Sarah.

I asked her, like, why did you lie?

She tells me that the name Sarah was too boring

so she tells me that her name's Julia

because her favorite actress is Julia Roberts.

- Holy-moly. - Oh, goddamn.

That's crazy, that's-that's real crazy.

- Yeah, yeah. - Crazy.

Find better Julias than that.

How long did you, uh, go out with her after that?

Two more weeks, huge tits.

- Oh, yeah. - That makes sense.

- There is the math on that. - There is the math.

I got one, okay, so when I arrived in Los Angeles

I had $1000 dollars to my name.

I spent $800 of it on a 1994 Toyota Corolla.

Met a girl, Rachel. We dated for one month.

Then one day, I let her borrow my car.

And I never saw her again.

Oh, she stole your car?

She stole my car.

- That is fucked up. - No.

- Fucked up is right. - Yeah.

Then two months later

I get a call from the police department.

'And they say "Your car's been located'

"in the grocery store parking lot

In Sonoma, California."

So, I get on a train and go

nine and a half hours to get my car.

And then I think to myself, well, I'm surrounded by wine

I should have some of that.

So I go and get drunk at a winery

with a bus load of Swedish people.

Two of whom are 40-year-old divorcee's

that I end up having a threesome with.

- Oh, sweet. - Jesus.

Thank you, Rachel, for stealing my car.

'Cause that got me a threesome.

Hey, Brian, what's up, man?

Matt, hey.

- Are you crying? - Oh, no, no, no, no.

No. What's going on?

Uh, nothing, where's Stacy?

Uh, we broke up.

Oh, my God. Oh, I'm so sorry.

- I didn't know, I didn't... - It's-it's-it's fine.

I'm fine. It's cool.

Oh, okay.

Weren't you together for like five years?

Six, and engaged for two.

Jesus, man, I'm so sorry.

No don't-don't be.

Matt, I'm-I'm-I'm, I'm back on the prowl.

Ready to party, you know.

Ladies.

When did this happen? Wh-when did you break up?

Oh, it was like last night. Well, technically this morning.

Last night? I-I mean, you shouldn't be here.

- You need to go home. - No, man..

- Take care of yourself. - I-I, no, no, I, I..

You know, I'm glad I had this party, have some drinks.

See some friends. Ah-ha!

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Well, you look great.

Oh, my God, stop.

But thank you though.

- Thank you, so do you. - Thank you, thanks.

Yeah, I'm um, actually doing this

like half yogalaties, half cross-fit classes, it's not..

And my teacher is Rose McGowan.

She makes classic such a fun.

Um, really safe

environment, yeah.

It's amazing that the first half is like

um, hardcore core training, like for your core.

And then the second half is just like

almost like being at a party

where they're just playing like a lot of..

I don't know, Portishead. It's great.

But my ass never felt tighter

and my center, it just feels super like

like grounded, and like really, really on track.

I think it would be great for you.

Do you guys wanna come in with me?

We just watched you shit out of your mouth

we don't need to see it come out of your ass too.

If I ever fucking turn into that...

Slit your throat and push you down a well.

No, sit me down and talk to me about it.

What is gotten into you?

I don't know. I am amped up.

I just feel like getting into a fight.

- I got one. - Oh, alright.

- Here we go. - What's.. Which story?

The girl in Schoenberg.

No, don't tell 'em.

So, I was in Schoenberg and this girl comes up to me

and she says "Can I borrow a cigarette?"

Next thing you know, long story short

I'm getting a blowjob in my car.

From her.

So, a-a-anyway, so like

I'm-I'm going to take her home or wherever.

And I go, "We're-we're gonna drop you off."

And she says to me.. Get this.

She's homeless.

She didn't have a home.

I can't drop her off anywhere cause she doesn't live anywhere.

Got a blowjob from a homeless person?

Yeah.

You give her money?

Well, she was homeless and she blew me, so yeah.

Well, then, then technically, she's a prostitute.

She was a homeless prostitute, technically.

Told you not to tell us the story, man.

Right, wait, wait how did this blowjob take place?

Oh, she came up to me and she asked if I was from around...

Just stop, stop telling the story.

Why it's funny and fucked up.

No, it's not funny, at all.

It's only fucked up. It's..

The only part of that story is that it's fucked.

You're a goddamn idiot.

- Alright. - 'He is an idiot.'

'I know, but just..'

It's probably not a good idea that you're drinking now, man.

It's probably just not.

What you wanna do, wanna do some whippets?

Whippets, no, no. No, I'm not a troubled 15-year-old.

- That's okay. - I wish.

You wish what?

I wish I was 15 again. Start over.

You know, get it right, this time.

Well, um, what happened, why-why did you break up?

I don't know, she said, she was, uh

tired of trying to always make me happy.

What does that mean?

Some bullshit about me being depressed.

And uh, she says that I-I always

rely on other people to make me feel good about myself.

Well, do you think that's true?

No, I just can't be alone right now.

Yeah.

- Thanks for talking to me. - Yeah, yeah, sure.

- Thanks. - Sure.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

How are you? How are you?

Good, good. Um, things are good.

This is my favorite thing to do at parties.

Go through other people's shit?

Oh, yeah.

This place could be really nice.

Maybe if they cleaned it once a year.

The place is so dirty.

Yeah, but when girls are dirty it's so much worse.

That's not true.

Have you ever been in a hot bathroom

in the middle of summer with a trashcan full of tampons?

Smells like a civil war field hospital.

You're disgusting.

Hello. Almost finished.

That's Rick Ramsey, by the way. The one getting the blowjob.

That's..

Huh.

Ugh.

It would be so much fun to have a dick.

- What? - I wish I had a dick.

For just like one day. You know a dick for a day.

Hey, what are you talking about?

You know, just so I could see what it feels like

to just stick it in something, you know.

They just.. Looks like so much fun.

Yeah, that's what it really does.

- Yeah. - Dicks are so direct.

- Mm-hmm. - Vaginas are so..

- Yeah. - Really?

Just..

Welcome, ladies.

I apologize for an awkward interaction.

Oh, not a problem.

This is my friend, Amy by the way.

A pleasure to meet you, Amy.

I'm gonna pass.

Oh, on account of the blowjob

I was just receiving in this room?

- Yeah. - Understandable.

I have to get this.

It's my broker in Japan.

Saskia, titan of industry

and a true patriot.

I see you ladies are sans beverage?

You're all out downstairs.

Oh, Sydsy, Amy..

...there is one thing you need to know about me.

I am never without drink.

May I escort you to the... den?

You have a den?

Oh, yes.

I have a den.

So, we're eating a toast, I look over.

Chad Michael Murray, is pointing right at me.

Yeah, he's pointing right at Blake.

- Topher was there. - Oh, yeah, I was there.

I saw the whole thing go down.

So, since he's pointing right at me

I waved thinking he remembers me.

Yeah, 'cause we were at this party at Zach Levi's house

like a week earlier, getting drunk, telling stories

drinking Margis.

Oh, Margaritas.

- Yeah. - Yeah, I know what that is.

But it turns out Chad Michael Murray

was actually pointing at Raven Simone

who was sitting just to my right.

Yeah, we didn't even realize

she was in the restaurant, do you know why?

'Cause she looks like a thousand times prettier in person.

So pretty.

- I mean, so so pretty. - So pretty.

So Chad Michael Murray is trying to get

Raven Simone's attention, waving and what not.

Yeah, and you know what Raven Simone does?

She gets up, pays her check and walks out of the restaurant.

She didn't even realize he was trying to wave at her.

So, now Chad Michael Murray looks at me

and now he gives me a face like..

Like this face like..

What the hell?

It's like a face, like..

- Why didn't she notice me? - Yeah?

I'm Chad Michael Murray, which is what

I would think too if I was Chad Michael Murray.

Exactly, so you're not gonna believe what Blake does.

He looks right over at C-M-M

and he goes..

"Oh, that's so Raven."

- Yeah, like from the show. - The show!

From the TV show, come on.

How many opportunities do you get to say that for real?

I laughed so hard.

Here we have the den.

Who the fuck are you? Freeze.

I'm Topher. I'm your agents assistant.

- This is Blake. - Hi.

Oh, okay.

You're cool.

Wait..

Which agent?

Your commercial agent.

Get the fuck outta here!

I recognize your puny voice.

You're the little bitch, who answers the phone

and acts like you're doing me some sort of favor.

You work for me, you fucking slaves!

Sending me to Santa Monica, on a Friday at 6 o'clock.

I should fuck you in the ass until you're dead.

Oh, that was unpleasant. I'm sorry.

My apologies. Lo siento mucho.

Now, welcome, welcome, welcome.

Feel free, to do anything you want in here.

Before you, you will find in armoire

that is filled with a wide array

of spirits and mixies.

So please.

Live.

Love.

And by love, I mean... fuck.

♪ To do to to to uh ♪

♪ Do anything you do to to ♪

♪ Do do do do tu ♪♪

God, he's so cool.

So you guys having fun?

We just saw Rick Ramsey getting a blowjob.

Mm-hmm.

Gotta love the Rick Ram.

We also ran into this cunt that Syd hates.

- Hey, I don't hate her. - Oh, yes, you do.

Okay, I totally do. But I don't like saying hate.

You know, I hate the word "Hate."

I hate the word "Cunt." It's like a punch in the face.

Cunt.

- You hate the word "Hate?" - Yeah.

There's just so much negativity in the world.

I don't there's enough of negativity in the world.

Agreed, if people were just more honest themselves

they'd realize how awful everyone is.

Y-y-yes, thank you. Everyone is awful.

No, thank you, Syd, there is beauty

everywhere we turn and we should acknowledge it.

- Life is beautiful. - Good one, 1998.

- Be the change. - What?

Be the change you wanna see in the world

2008, Barack Obama.

Actually, Gandhi.

Yeah, he's cool too.

I want a cigarette.

- You don't smoke. - Yes, but I want one.

- Okay.. - That actually sounds great.

- I'll go with you. - We'll stay here.

Alright.

- You want a drink? - Sure.

Okay, uh, what are we having?

I'll have whatever you're having.

What are you having?

We got some nice scotch.

No, I don't want scotch.

Okay, what do you want?

Um, could you please not drink scotch?

Why?

Because I can't stand when someone's

breath smells like scotch.

Right, because, uh..

Yeah, I thought.

Yeah, I thought so too, I just didn't wanna assume..

You want to though, right?

Yes, of course, I want to.

Uh. How about beer?

- Beer? Beer is good. - Perfect.

Beer's great. Beer is perfect.

Thank you.

- Here. - Hm.

Okay.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

Uh..

Yeah. Uh..

- Oh. - You know what?

- Let's just set these down. - Yeah.

Probably a good idea.

- Okay. - Hm.

- Oh. - Oh. Shit. Hold on.

- Oh. - Are you okay?

Yeah. I just punched myself in the dick with your knee.

So, I'm okay.

- I'm sorry. - I'm okay.

- Alright. - Hm.

- What.. - Sorry.

Just that, I need to, I'm really ticklish.

- Oh, okay. - No-no-no, sorry.

- Okay. - Um.

You know what?

- Can you just.. - Okay.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Is this okay?

For the record, this is always okay.

This is very tasty.

You're not inhaling.

Yes, I am. Look, watch what I do.

Okay.

Oh, looks like a lesbian action here, I'm gonna die.

Who the fuck is this douchebag?

Oh no, it's my boss. Act cool.

You can't get a bucket, I can thaw it up in a second.

I think it's impossible for you to act cool at this point.

What are you saying? Do I look drunk?

Yes.

But it's okay, 'cause I am too.

So don't feel bad about it.

That's sweet. You're a good friend.

- Oh, this guy is your boss? - Yeah.

- How old is he? - He's 25. Just roll with it.

Maybe if I stand still he won't see me.

Dave, he's not a T-Rex.

He was in Sweden for like..

Davey? Oh, shit.

Man, if they were letting people like you into this party

I probably wouldn't have even shown up.

- Sorry to disappoint. - Uh.

Darren, this is Amy.

- Charmed. - Nice.

So you are knockin' boots with Davy here?

You know, givin' him some of that fuck.

No. We just met tonight.

Oh, thank God, I'm saving you from a world of regret.

Better get away from this dork fast.

- Hey, you gave me 408 yet? - I just turned it in earlier.

Doesn't matter, I have to rewrite it

ten times anyways, yeah, you know.

Yeah. Where are you from? Where you live?

Excuse me?

I'm asking you where you live to start a conversation.

Come on. Speed up!

Don't fuckin' talk to me like that.

Why? Is it turning you on?

- Are you for real? - Okay. Whoa.

Whoa-whoa-whoa.. Cool you jets, Darren.

These are not the droids you are looking for.

- What? - These are not the..

Just, uh, you're being a jerk, okay?

So just, maybe, you just walk away.

No-no, fuck that noise.

Little free advice for you.

This guy is a sand trap, okay?

You're gonna just keep swinging and swinging and swinging

and the best you'll ever do is par.

Golf analogy.

I hate you.

- I hate you so much. - You hate me?

Oh, no, now I've said it twice. I have to keep goin'.

Dave, you better shut the fuck up

before you say something, you can't...

No. I will not shut the fuck up.

I'm gonna open the fuck out.

For starters, you are not nice

to work for, to hang out with or to talk to.

I bet you're not even nice to your own pets.

- I don't have any pets. - See, who doesn't have pets?

I have a cat and I don't even like cats.

She has a cat.

But you don't, Darren. Because you're a villain.

You're a villain and an asshole.

Stop being so dramatic, alright?

Oh, dramatic? Oh, you want dramatic?

I'll give you the drama. I quit!

I don't care, I'll replace you in five seconds.

Yeah, I bet you will.

I bet you will because in this town

there's always a line around the block of people

willing to eat shit.

But I am done.

I am tired of eating shit because now I am full of it.

I'm full of shit!

Now get out of here before I drag you out on the street

and knock your fuckin' teeth out.

I can't believe I just did that.

- What the.. - Um. Um.

Oh.

Okay.

Okay, that didn't work but I still feel great.

I just quit my job.

Party.

Oh, um, don't undo my bra.

Uh, oh, okay.

No, it's not that I'm a prude.

I just, um..

I have a huge zit on one of my boobs

and it makes me look like I have three nipples.

Okay, let's, uh, take a break.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Okay.

Let's just take a time out.

Oh, why isn't this working?

It should, though.

- Right? - Yeah.

- It totally should. - It doesn't, though.

Not at all.

- It wasn't that bad. - Um, it wasn't good.

Fair enough.

Okay, you know what?

Let's figure this out.

Um... why did I make out with you?

No, wait. Because you're cute.

And you're funny.

- Oh, thank you. - Yeah.

Okay, you are not boring and you are very pretty.

Thank you.

- It's a compliment. - Thanks.

Uh, you are an actor.

- I'm an actor. - We have things in common.

- Exactly. - Yes.

Yeah, but it also means that we seek attention

and approval from other people.

Yeah. What's wrong with that?

We end up making out on the very first night

and ignoring all of the red flags that

ultimately will lead to our relationship

falling apart in six months.

Two months.

- Really? - Yeah, probably two months.

Also, you're really negative and pessimistic.

Thank you.

There are so many reasons why you and I wouldn't work, but

once again, I ignore them.

And I just hope for the best.

Kinda just makes you wanna give up and stop tryin'.

No.

It makes me wanna do it better the next time

and actually learn from my mistakes.

Yeah, we would never work.

Oh, boy.

Well, thanks for makin' out with me.

Oh, hey. You're welcome.

Yeah, it just doesn't work.

'Cause it's just like, no.

- It's bad. - It's not bad.

- Isn't this? - It's just weird.

Woo.

Hell of a party, right?

Maybe we should keep the party goin'.

No?

Excuse me?

Yeah, I've, I got this wicked bottle of Prosecco

back at my place, you know, maybe a little weed..

I mean, I'm not sure I'd have to check, but, you know?

Does this usually work?

I don't know what I'm doing.

I, uh..

I just ended a relationship

with like the love of my life

and I'm hanging on by a string.

- Oh. - You know?

Dude, it's okay. You're alright.

- You're doing fine. - Yeah?

Yeah.

Do you wanna go make out in my car?

Can you make me happy?

I think maybe you should go home and get some sleep.

- You're probably right. - Yeah.

- It was nice meeting you. - You too.

Um..

- Hey. - Hey.

Where's Matt?

- He's coming. - What happened?

- We didn't. - At all?

- No. It just.. - You didn't?

Yeah.

It's okay.

- Is it? - Yeah.

- It's just, uh.. - I know.

- I love you so much. - I love you, too.

- So? - It's not happening.

- Okay. - What about you?

- Not happening. - Okay.

Ladies and gentlemen.

May I have your attention please.

I have an announcement to make.

Two things.

One, the police have been called. By me.

It's a little thing I like to do to end parties

'it's a bit of a tradish.'

Two.

According to the internet

this evening in Los Angeles

it is 68 degrees.

The perfect weather for a perfect walk.

Or should I say, hike.

A night hike!

Well, we've come this far.

♪ A-hoo a-hee a-haa a-ho a-hey.. ♪

I'm gonna walk away. Okay?

♪ Hikey hikey hikey hike ♪♪

Alright, let's go.

Shall we join them, mademoiselle?

Nah.

I was just kidding.

Okay, alright. Yeah, yeah, I am.

- Are these eucalyptus? - Yeah, eucalyptus.

I mean, are there koalas in America?

They are not koalas of America.

Okay.

We are about to walk into nature.

As we do, please, respect our nocturnal friends

such as, the owl, the bat, the possum

the raccoon and the coyote.

Now, we are entering their homes.

So please, no littering, contamination

or general disrespect

of our mammalian friends.

What if I have to piss?

Uh, that's fine. Piss on whatever you want.

They are animals, they love that.

- Okay. - They love piss.

Now..

...please, welcome..

...to Griffith Park.

I mean, I have to piss so bad.

I mean, I got to pee bad, man.

'Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome.'

I just think it's a funny story.

It's not, it's not, it's not funny at all.

Yes, it is.

It's funny, 'cause I didn't know she was homeless.

Your funny story just makes you sound predatory

and it makes you sound stupid.

See? I think that's hilarious.

See..

Why do you have a backpack?

Oh, it's filled with beer.

Sam, are you an alcoholic?

You know, that's entirely possible.

You want one?

- Right. - Right. Okay.

Gimme one of 'em beers.

Ugh, these are warm. Gross.

Matt, stop being such a bitch.

Give me one.

Tastes fine to me.

Will you marry me?

- Are you on an improv team? - Yeah.

- Then, no. - Fair enough. Smart lady.

And the thing is, always fun to tell him off and it was.

The best part is, I don't have to do that job anymore.

I wish I could've seen it.

It's weird.

But, I love not knowing what comes next.

I've never been so excited for the future.

- I love that feeling. - Hm.

Right? Because who knows?

Anything is possible.

Bad things will happen but good stuff will, too.

For me and for you.

You could sell a movie in the next week for a million dollars.

I'd have to write one first, but yes.

Or I could not work for a year, but

strangely enough, I'm okay with that.

You should be.

Because you know what?

You're gonna be okay.

No matter what happens.

So you know

Syd and Dave are totally gonna end up dating.

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

I saw that coming like a mile away.

Well, I sure would have appreciated a heads up.

Nah, you guys gotta figure shit out for yourselves.

Well, I think she's starting to.

- Mm-hmm. - Jury's still out on me.

Have you ever thought that maybe you should just

stop whining and realize that you're doing great?

Fuck you. Jesus.

Well, now you're speaking my language.

- Okay. - Yeah.

Seriously though, I want to punch you in the face

like a full grown man.

Wait, are you trying to turn me on?

Because I think it's working.

How do you know I'm not taking you up here to bury you?

Well, that's what I was hoping this was.

So, if it's not I'm just gonna..

- No. No. - Dude, okay.

- I'm gonna bury you up here. - Oh, good.

But you gotta dig the hole yourself.

Oh, I, I ain't digging shit.

Sometime very soon someone will recognize

one of your many talents.

Which one?

I don't know, which one do you want?

- Acting. - Great.

Then you'll be given the role of a lifetime.

A role so perfect for you

that it will solve all of your problems.

That sounds amazing.

- Keep going, keep going. - Alright. Uh, yeah.

And you will start a charity that saves puppies lives.

And gives homeless people homes

and teaches third world children to be doctors.

Oh! I love my new life.

You're good at this.

And then you will go on a date with me.

And it will be the best date you've ever been on.

So good that at the end of the evening

you will ask for my hand in marriage.

- Of course. Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm.

But then after I ask, you'll say no because

I screwed up and I made out with your best friend instead.

And then I'll go into a tailspin and I'll start collecting

bottles of my own urine and then I'll never leave my apartment.

Okay... but then I will change my answer when I realize that

I don't really care that you made out with Matt

because a lot of people do that.

- Oh, gross. Gross. - And who cares?

And then you and I will clean out your apartment

filled with the urine bottles..

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

And then, we'll get married and live happily ever after.

- Sounds like a plan. - Um.

I'm serious about that date, though.

I am, too.

Fine. I'll admit it.

- What? - My life is pretty great.

See? Was that so hard...

But it's not great for the reasons that you think.

Fuck the whole acting and the Hollywood bull shit.

It's great because of nights like this.

Nights that..

...sneak up on you when you really need 'em.

- That was so corny. - You're such an asshole.

- Just really bad. - Goddamn it.

I am an asshole.

You know a girl like you that's full of, uh..

...piss and vinegar?

She's never boring.

Wow, that might be the, uh..

...best compliment I've gotten in years.

You're welcome.

But I didn't say thank you, so..

I'll get it out of you soon enough.

Yeah? I'd like to see you try.

Shut up.

Alright.

Everyone..

...come here, settle down.

- How was the walk? - Oh, it was good.

Yeah. It was a good walk.

Yeah?

- Yeah. - Okay.

Look.

Gaze upon the horizon.

Thousands, if not millions of lights

some twinkling, some, steadfast.

Each one a dream..

..most of which..

...will never come true.

But..

...that is not

success or failure in one's life!

The only true measure of success in one's life

is the pursuit of your dreams!

If you live free

amidst chaos and blindly pursue said dreams

then you have succeeded!

And that is all that matters!

Pursue! Pursue!

Pursue!

Now..

...I'm going to take a piss in that bush over there.

Nobody watch me or else I, I can't go.

Did that just fucking happen?

- Yeah. - Yes, it did.

It happens all the time.

- Like how often? - So often.

I wonder how many of those people are having sex right now.

I love that movie.

At this moment, people are having lunch in Paris.

Well, it's five o'clock somewhere.

If we were farmers, we would be waking up right now.

To milk the cows.

And feed the chickens.

And churn the butter.

That actually sounds kind of nice.

It does.

I wish we were farmers.

Yeah, let's buy a farm.

Fuck you, Los Angeles!

Hey, LA

why don't you go fuck yourself, man?

Yeah, fuck you, Los Angeles!

I fucking hate you sometimes, Los Angeles!

- Suck a dick, LA! - Yeah!

Suck her dick, LA!

Yeah, it's right here!

Suck his dick, suck his dick..

Yeah, you can do a jump like that.

It's one thing if you've got it better, 'cause mine is better.

'Cause I go "thank you so much!"

No, no, no, no, I jump in the air

and I sweep down and then stoop.

I don't know, man, just say

"oh, thank you so much!"

No, man, that's not smooth at all.

Look at you, you fucking idiot.

You dropped your fucking flashlight.

So you two, you know, you guys, guys are room-mates or anything?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

That's pretty cool.

Do you, do you have a place to get your haircut around town?

Like you got a, a guy?

Um, I-I'm a model.

- So, I kinda.. - Yeah.

- Have it done on set or... - I knew that.

You-you have it done on set? That's awesome.

- Like a free haircut. - Hm.

I go to, I go to, like, like "Hair Cuttery"

or "Fantastic Sam" sometimes.

So I get a call from the police

from Sonoma, California.

They've found my car in a grocery store parking lot.

I take a train, for nine and half hours to Sonoma

and get drunk at a winery with a bus load of Swedish people.

Two of whom were 40 year old divorcees

that I end up having..

...dinner with, it was nice. The end of the story.

Did you have a threesome with two old ladies?

Older ladies? Yes, yes I did.

- Oh! - Uh..

- Why did you tell that story? - Because I'm stupid.

- Yeah. - You're good at this.

Oh, my God.

You guys, look. Guys, look.

I can't believe you said that.

My sister is in a wheelchair!

Okay, I'm sorry!

It's not a believable thing that I said.

It was a joke.

Why don't you get off your fucking high horse

and get into your own horse?

You fucking whores!

You look like a fucking old grandmother!

What was that?

Say it to my damn face!

You look like my nana!

Well, your nana had pretty sweet moves.

'Cause I got sweet moves!

'Get out of my way, man!'

I'll fight. I know karate.

Eat a dick for dinner, dude!

Fuck!

I love you guys.

Duh.

Oh, my God! Food, dope!

Oh, my God!

Are we in the fucking Valley?

Oh, God, I remember those days.

- Hmm. - Uh-huh.

I'll be right back.

Your jacket, sir.

Uh..

- 'Cause that's how we roll. - Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Ladies and gents

breakfast is on me.

Okay. Alright.

But next time we get together

I'm buying.

And the time after that

it's on me.

Okay, sounds like plan.

But let's go to like a real restaurant next time

not one of these, like, you know..

- Places. - Places.

That people talk about, and overdue.

Let's go to one with like, you know, good reviews.

- I love this place. - No, this place is great.

I'm just saying, like, you know..

Like where we don't..

Like one of those tapas place...

- Tapas.. - T-tapas..

Tapas.

I really enjoy tapas.

Tap.. Are tapas Spanish?

Yeah, it is Spanish. They come from Spain.

They don't come from Spain. They are sent from Spain.

There's this place on Sunset, it's amazing.

Oh, well, what is it, what do they serve?

What do they have?

- What are they about? - What, what's there style?

They have oysters, but I hate oysters.

- But Amy loves 'em. - So you wanna go?

What? You hate oysters? Oh, my God.

Wait, is that where we went last week?

- Yeah. - Oh, my God.

But they have other stuff, like, you know

shrimp in a crab..

I, I would eat crab.

So... what do you wanna do now?

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