Original subtitles

Grover, I'm telling you, you are gonna love camping.

There's hiking, there's a nature center,

there's even a waterfall.

I don't know, feels like you guys are selling it pretty hard.

Hey, guys, what's going on here?

We're just getting our gear ready.

The Johnsons are going camping.

Permanently?

I wish.

We're just going for the weekend.

It's Grover's first time.

Wait, we're doing this more than once?

Buddy, it is gonna be fantastic.

There is nothing like being outside,

just you and the elements, sleeping under the open sky.

Yeah, that's exactly what Crackhead Victor said

when he tried to sell his house to pay for... Well, you know.

[chuckles]

So I take it you guys aren't big campers?

Are you kidding? The only camping he ever did

was standing in line for tickets to see Earth, Wind & Fire.

I prefer the kind of elements

you can groove to.Uh-oh, uh-oh.

Yeah.Wait a minute, wait a minute,

wait a minute now, get it, baby.

Get it. Hey.

You should come with us.

Everybody pitching in, no distractions...

Camping really brings a family together.

Dave, I got one grown son who lives with us,

and another who's over all the time.

Trust me, togetherness is not my problem.

[Dave chuckles]

Well, you don't know what you're missing.

Yeah, I do. A roof.

♪ Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood ♪

♪ Welcome to the hood.

Hey. You guys were gone for a while.

Yeah, that must've been a good walk.

We only walked two blocks.

Your father stopped to yell at one kid for cursing,

then cursed at another kid for yelling.

So like you said, good walk.

Get up.

Move over.

Man.

You know what, baby, I think we should take Dave and Gemma up

on their offer and go camping.

What? Your mom thinks we should all go camping.

I'm in.Sounds like fun to me.

Who asked you?

I think it might be fun.

You know my New Year's Resolution

was to try more white people stuff.

Uh, you already made quinoa and watched The Crown.

Isn't that enough?

Baby, we have not been on a family vacation

together in years.

Yeah, and we've never been camping.

It always looks fun in the movies. Yeah.

Yeah, until the axe murderer shows up.

You know the black people are always the first ones to die.

Come on, Calvin.

You and I could sneak off on a hike, just the two of us,

get in touch with nature.

Oh, kind of like that flower bed

after the Earth, Wind & Fire concert, ah...

[both laugh]You remember that.

This is grosser than Mom's quinoa.

You should hear how they talk when they think I'm not home.

Oh, we know you at home.

Smell that fresh air.

[groans] Are we there yet?

We've been hiking forever.

Grover, we've... we've walked a hundred yards.

You can still see the car from here.

Well, we're here now. Let's set up camp.

I have to pee. Where's the bathroom?

Ooh, son, get ready to have your mind blown.

It's wherever you want it to be.

Cool.

Whoa! Okay...

Take it to the bushes, Quick Draw.

I wonder when the Butlers are gonna get here.

Tina said they had to stop on the way and pick up supplies.

I can't wait. You know, I think

Calvin's really gonna like camping.

And good for him for being willing to get out

of his comfort zone and rough it with us.

[horn honking "La Cucaracha"]

Hey, Johnsons! Let the roughing it begin!

[horn honking "La Cucaracha"]

This is so cool!

[door opens]

Hey, Gemma.

You want some sushi?

We didn't have any fishing poles,

so I figured we'd just skip to the good part.

Ooh, look at that. Caught a California roll.

[laughs]

Oh, wow. Look at this place.

Yeah, it's beautiful, isn't it?

[chuckles]: Yeah, it's quiet, it's remote,

it's peaceful. [exhales]

Is what Dad said about that axe murderer in your head, too?

Totally.

Hey, guys.

[both screaming]

Ha, ha, ha.

What do you say, Dave?

How do you like my tent?

Gets 12 miles to the gallon.

I can't believe you rented an RV.

Rented? [chuckles]

Man, I borrowed this from my buddy Arthur.

Yeah, he's been staying in it

since he got caught cheating on his wife.

Lucky for him, she fell down the stairs

and he had to move back in to take care of her.

How is that lucky for him?

You're right. Lucky for me.

[laughs]

Dad, I'm kind of hungry.

Cool, great. Let's eat.

Now, all we have to do is collect a bunch of wood

and kindling to start a fire.

Once we get that going, we'll hike

about a quarter mile down to the well,

bring back some water, and boil it-- which, at this altitude,

should take about 45 minutes to an hour.

Sounds like a lot of work.

Ooh, it's a ton.

But that's what's so great about camping.

Trust me, later tonight, when you're eating a s'more

cooked over a fire that you built yourself,

it is gonna be the best thing that you ever tasted.

This s'more is the best thing I've ever tasted.

How'd you make that so fast?

Oh, there's a microwave in there.

I could make you one.

Can I?

Well, it's up to you, buddy.

You can do it the easy way, or you can...Bye.

You know, Dave, you're more than welcome.

We're just about to watch Man vs. Wildin there.

Spoiler alert: man wins.

[chuckles]

Mmm.

[both chuckle]

You know, it's-- it's kind of nice out here.

It's peaceful and quiet.

You can really hear yourself think.

What are you thinking about?

I'm thinking if this camping thing goes well,

the next white person thing I might do is try mayonnaise.

[laughs]

Trust me, it's gonna go great.

I've loved camping since I was a little kid.

Was it big out there in Kalamazoo?

Oh, I'm not from Kalamazoo.

I'm not some big town city slicker.

[sighs]

I'm from Hickory Corners.

Well, I'm from Compton, and you can't stand on those corners.

[laughs]

So what's it like there?

Oh, just like every other small town.

One stoplight, a Dairy Queen up by the highway

with a broken soft serve and some guy named Billy

who can't stay out of trouble.

But his dad's the sheriff, so he gets away with murder.

Mm. In my neighborhood, that was Little D.

His father was the sheriff?

Yeah, let's go with that.

♪

♪ Paul Bunyan, Paul Bunyan

♪ Lumberjack explorer of the western plains... ♪

On the shores of Michigan, his story begins...

He has been singing this song for ten minutes

and this is where the story begins?

Yeah, we out.

Oh, yeah, thanks, guys. This was a lot.

Well-- A lot of what?

Just a lot.

Well, hold on, guys, we haven't even gotten

to ghost stories yet.

Whoa, did he say ghost stories?

He sure did.

Legend has it that this campsite

was built on the cursed remains of a Native American graveyard.

Mama!Nope.

Well, looks like it's just the Johnsons.

Actually, I have to use the bathroom.

I'm gonna go pee off that giant cliff again.

W-Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey. Hey. Let's just go in the RV.

What? No, don't go in the RV.

I don't want him falling off a cliff.

Well, he'll be fine.

There's a river at the bottom of it.

This is gonna taste so much better than from a microwave.

Ooh. Ooh, baby.

All right-- whoa.

Oh-- hot! Hot! Hot!

Hot!

Still better.

["Jungle Boogie" playing]

♪ Get down, get down, get down, get down... ♪

Arthur may be a cheating dog of a husband,

but he sure knows how to trick out an RV!

Hey![cheering]

Get it, baby, get it, baby.

Ah, got that...

Hey.

You've been gone a half hour.

I thought you were just taking Grover to the bathroom.

I was, but then they started playing music

and Marty challenged me to a dance battle,

so... I had to represent.

This isn't what I wanted this weekend to be like.

This RV defeats the entire purpose of being out here.

Isn't the entire purpose of being out here

to get closer to each other and have fun?

I guess, I just... we're supposed to be roughing it,

not living in a mansion on wheels.

Whoa.

[deep gurgling]

Did I do that?

[all groaning]Oh, my God,

that smell!Oh, somebody punch me in the nose!

What-what happened?

The sink started erupting and then everything went black.

Yeah, we must've overloaded the power,

and it caused the septic pump to blow.

Well, who would've known borrowing a used RV

from an unemployed divorcé was a bad idea?

Hey, well, if we can't go back in there,

where are we supposed to sleep?

I've been waiting for you.

[groans]

Oh, God.

[groans]

Oh, man.

[groans]

[grunts]

[groans]

Well, that was a cozy night.

Uh, baby, you got something stuck to your forehead.

GEMMA: Oh!

Sorry, uh, it's my mouthguard.

I'm a grinder.

That was your teeth?

I thought it was an axe murderer circling our tent.

Is that why you had your arms around me?

I didn't have my arms around you.

Sorry, uh, thought you were Gemma.

Well, I don't know about anyone else,

but I need a cup of coffee.

MARTY: Yes.Great.

All we got to do is collect some wood and kindling...

[all protesting]

There's a general store by the park entrance.

We can just walk over there and get some coffees

and some cleaning supplies.

Yeah, I'll see if I can get the RV started,

so we can get out of here.

Well, hold on, g-get out of here?

We haven't even hiked to the waterfall yet.

Well, it's a good thing,

because I wasn't gonna do that anyway.

I think after last night we all just want to go home.

Really? Even you, buddy?

Sorry, Dad, without the RV, camping's kind of boring.

Well, what about peeing outside?

It's just not as much fun

when you're allowed to do it.

I know, right?

Fine. You guys go ahead.

I guess I'll stay here and start packing.

We'll be surrounded by noise and traffic

and polluted air in no time.

Finally. Yes. Good.Thank God.

Yes. Come on, baby, come on.

Hey, Dave.

Before I get started, is there anything around here

for breakfast that doesn't start with "all you got to do is..."?

Yeah, there's some granola bars

in the bear canister.

The what? The container.

You put your food in there

so you don't attract bears or other wildlife.

You're trying to tell me

a bear can't get into this thing?

Not if it's locked. They're not clever enough.

[grunting] All right.

[growling]

Well, your hat's stupid.

[sighs] It feels good to be indoors again.

Yeah, I like trees a lot better

when they're chopped down and used to hold up a roof.

Look, there's a nature center.

Oh.

Cool, I always enjoy a good science exhibit.

Or a macabre temple of death!

Can we...Leave? Yes.

Uh, we gonna wait outside.

Yeah, take our chances with the axe murderer.

Morning, ladies.Good morning, Maynard.

Uh, look, I have to warn you,

if you're here to buy alcohol,

I am gonna need to see some IDs.

[laughter]Yeah, whatever you got,

just put a shot of it in my coffee. I'm sorry.

I was just joking.

The park actually doesn't allow me to sell alcohol.

Oh, she was just joking, too.No, I wasn't.

Well, it looks like you guys must have quite a mess, huh?

Yeah.Yeah, the septic tank in our RV blew up

right in the middle of our dance party.

Good thing the song was telling us to "slide to the left."

[laughs]Well, that sounds awful,

but I see it more than you would think.

Luckily for you...

I have one mop left.

Yes, yes! Thank you. [chuckles]

That's exactly what we needed.Ah, you're welcome.

Coffee's two dollars, cleaning supplies, ten,

and a mop, $100 even.

BOTH: What!?

You're trying to charge us $100 for a mop?

Well, you're welcome to go to Target;

probably is a lot cheaper.

Oh, great, where is it?

Well, uh, just take a left at the highway

and then go straight for 30 miles.

Hopefully that bridge is open.

Ah!

This is the last time I listen to you over Crackhead Victor.

You know,

you didn't even give camping a chance, Calvin.

You could've had fun.

Fun... Oh, you want fun?

I'll show you fun.

[growling]

Very funny, Calvin.

Who's Calvin?

I'm a bear, and I'm hungry for Dave!

Now you're just being ridiculous.

A bear would never know my name.

D-D-D...

Dave, Dave, it's-it's-it's a real bear.

Give it up, Calvin. Come on.

[growls]

Now, I got to admit, that really did sound good.

[growls]

There's-there's a real bear here, Calvin.

Okay... [stammers] So w-what do we do?

We-we run for it?

No, no, no. Bad idea.

Bears can run up to 25 miles an hour.

What can I run? Like 30, 35?

[growls]

Okay, we-we need to get to the RV.

Aw, man, it smells terrible in there.

You know what? I can live with it.

Go, go, go, go!

Maynard, you're not really gonna

charge us $100 for a mop?

I would love to cut you guys a deal,

but capitalism, right?

This is a straight up shakedown.

Well, now, see? She gets it.

No, no, no, no, no.

What I get is that you're a two-bit hustler.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Tina.

That's no way to treat our friend from Oklahoma.

I saw your coffee mug. Was I wrong?

Nope. Born and raised in Boynton. [chuckles]

Wait, Boynton?

Mm-hmm.Are you kidding me?

Is there still just one stoplight?

There is.

And is the Dairy Queen still there?

You mean the one by the highway?With the broken soft serve?

[laughs] That's the one.Yeah, yeah! Wait.

What about the sheriff's son, huh?

Is he still up to no good?

Oh, please, you kidding me?

He's the one who broke the soft serve. Yeah!

[both laughing]

Oh!

Oh, my gosh, what a small world.

Oh, boy. No, I-I-I can't take advantage

of a fellow Boyntonian. 20 bucks for everything.

Oh! Oh, yes!

Thank you so much.Great.

You know what, you never told me your name,

and I still know everybody back in Boynton.

Oh... my name is...

Run, Tina!

This is how we do in Hickory Corners.

This is all your fault.

I knew camping was stupid.

You know, every time you yell at me

you're breathing more of this air.

It's worth it.

I wonder what attracted that bear.

You locked the canister, right?

Of course I did.

It's not my fault the bear's a genius.

This is a disaster.

I just wanted to share something that I love with my family.

Then why'd you drag us into it?

Guess I think of you guys as family.

You do?

Yeah, I mean, ever since we moved out here

you guys have welcomed us into your lives.

I don't know what we would've done without you.

I mean,

you guys have done stuff for us, too.

You know,

besides this incredibly awful experience.

You know, if it wasn't for the terrible smell and...

and the bear outside,

this would be kind of a nice moment.

Yeah... I guess it would be.

Oh, my God, our families!

I know, coming together as one, right?

No, no. Our families are coming back and there's a bear outside.

You're right. Okay, we got to do something.

All right, look, I got a plan. You're gonna run outside

and you're gonna scare that bear away.

Okay. What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna stay in here.

Grover's gonna need a man in his life, Dave.

[growling]

Go away!

DAVE: Go, go, go!CALVIN: Go, boy, go!

Don't kill us!Go!

Yeah!

Whoa, it worked! He's gone. That's right, bear!

We run this forest!

Ha!

Calvin, we did it! We saved our families.

Yeah, like I told you,

when it comes to man versus wild, man always...

[screaming] Whoa! Whoa, whoa!

I-I-I thought that stick was a snake.

So then the bear reared up

on its hind legs

and it roared at us!

And that's when a even bigger bear showed up.

Whoa!

You notice every time they tell this story

there's more bears in it?

Shh, I don't want to miss the part

where they saved all our lives.

Look, I don't want to sound too dramatic, but...

But, uh, we saved all y'all lives.

There you go.

How many bears do you think there really were?

Girl, it's probably just a big-ass raccoon.

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