Original subtitles

Tiger Butler lines up for his big drive.

The gallery oohs in anticipation.

I said the gallery oohs in anticipation.

Ooh.

The gallery forgets Tiger let him live here rent free.

Whoo!

Oh!

Oh, a beautiful shot!

400 yards.

It bounces once, it bounces again...

Can you just get to the hole in one already?

It's your fifth one in a row.

It's his fifth one in a row!

He might just be the greatest of...

- All time. - Of all time!

Yeah.

Get in the hole!

Ooh! That's a monster drive, and it's...

in the hole!

The crowd goes wild.

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but why can't you be more like Dave?

I didn't know you played golf, Calvin.

Yeah, I used to, but then I had

this one and the other one, now I'm a two handicap.

You know, I used to play all the time back at home

until a gang took over our course.

Oh, I didn't know they had gangs in Kalamazoo.

Canada geese.

For Canadians, incredibly vicious.

So what's going on, you playing soon?

Yeah, a customer gave me a couple of guest rounds

at Hillmount.

- Ooh, Hillmount. - Yeah.

That's exclusive. Well, have fun.

Hey, Dave, since you play, why don't you come with me?

Are you inviting Dave?

Yeah... are you inviting Dave?

Yes.

Uh, this Dave?

Yes.

Well, in that case, Dave is in.

Can Dave stop talking in third person? I only have two passes.

I'm sorry, Dave's just excited

because he's been waiting for this moment

for a really long time.

And Calvin's starting to regret it.

Malcolm's just really confused.

- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy - - www.addic7ed.com -

How do I look?

Like you're ready to hit a golf ball,

look for it, not find it, and do it again for four hours.

Can I come?

Ooh, sorry, buddy,

Mr. Calvin only had one extra pass,

and, uh...

he gave it to me.

Sweetie, I know how excited you are that Calvin invited you

to do something one-on-one,

but maybe you should try to play it a little cool.

I know, y-you're right,

sometimes my enthusiasm can get the best of me.

The last thing I want to do is...

Got to go.

Don't wait up.

Well, kiddo, I guess it's just you and...

Bye, Mom.

Wait, where are you going?

Next door to play video games with Malcolm and Marty.

I thought you and I were gonna hang out.

Thanks, but I'm not really in the mood for mom stuff.

What, Mom stuff?

Wait, what's that supposed to mean?

Well, there's mom stuff and there's fun stuff.

Wha...? I'm fun.

Yeah, but not like Dad.

Last week

we chopped a worm in half,

and it turned into two worms.

Well, moms can do fun stuff, too.

Ooh, I know, we could go to Color Me Mine

and paint some ceramic swans. You used to love that, remember?

Oh, we can go crazy and paint the feathers purple.

I'll be next door.

Oh, thank you, my good man.

Oh, sir? Yeah?

I'm sorry, there's actually no hats allowed

inside the clubhouse.

Good to know. All right.

You know what? Here's a little tip for the tip.

Thank you.

Calvin, what's going on?

You've tipped four people

since we got out of the car, including Michael Keaton,

who I'm pretty sure does not work here.

I mean, he was Batman and Mr. Mom.

That guy has range.

I'm just saying it's not like you.

Well, you know what else isn't like me?

Everyone here. Take a look around, Dave.

Okay, yes, we know you're the only one

who can pull off matching argyle.

No, Dave... well, yes.

But what I meant was I'm the only black guy here.

Huh.

Well, I didn't even notice.

That's because you don't have to have your antenna up.

What does that mean?

It means that you naturally fit in,

but I stand out.

That's why I have to dress sharp, man,

and give out a bunch of tips to people that don't deserve it.

Okay, well, what about Michael Keaton?

I snuck in the movie theater to see Beetlejuice,

so I felt like I owed him.

Look, as the only black guy in the room,

you just know that everybody's waiting on you

to reinforce the negative stereotypes.

That's why I have to represent.

Okay, Calvin, I think you're being ridiculous.

No one here is seeing you as a representative

of all black people.

Are you sure? Because you're the only person

I know from Kalamazoo, and I assume that everyone there

is overly positive and always smiling

and giving babies high fives.

Well, yes, of course we're positive.

Calvin, it's the celery capital of the world!

I think it's so cute that Calvin and Dave

are on their little "man date."

Dave was so excited this morning,

it took him a half hour to pick out "the right pair of khakis."

Calvin tried not to show it,

but I could tell he was excited, too.

Oh, really? How?

I don't know, girl, I'm just trying to throw you a bone.

Can I ask you a question?

Do you think I'm fun?

Of course. Why?

Well, Grover didn't want to hang out with me today

because he says I only do "boring mom stuff."

Not the ceramic swan painting again.

You said you loved that.

Again, another bone.

Look, don't worry about it,

Grover's just going through a daddy phase. It's natural.

All he and Dave do for fun are violent and dirty things,

mostly to worms.

Don't worry about it, he'll come back around.

Now that my boys are grown, I'm back to being number one.

- 'Sup, mamas? - Mmm, Marty,

who's cooler, me or your dad?

Is this a trap?

Of course not, baby, I just want your honest opinion.

Oh, well, "cool" is kind of subjective...

No, it's not! Cool is what your mother is.

Okay, uh, well, it-it-it's kind of like,

Dad is cool in dad ways,

like when he restores old cars or schools everybody at poker,

and-and you're cool, you're cool in-in mom ways, like,

like when you cut my sandwiches into little butterflies.

All right.

Welcome to the boring mom club.

Oh, hell no. No, that's not fair.

Just because we have to be the responsible ones,

dads get to have all the fun?

What were you gonna do today?

Hello? Ceramic swans.

No, okay?

We're gonna show those boys that moms can be just as fun as dads.

Get your purse, we're going shopping.

For what?

- It's on, suckas! - Yeah!

We're gonna make you regret the day we gave birth to you.

I got to admit, Dave, your golf game isn't half bad.

You had me on my toes there for a while.

Yeah, until that stupid goose attacked me.

Oh, yeah, yeah, he got you good. Look,

there you are hiding in the sand trap.

And there he is finding you.

You know, I could've used some backup.

Oh, street rules, Dave.

His boys stayed out of it, I stayed out of it.

I'll tell you what,

I'll make it up to you. Lunch is on me, all right?

Uh, maybe they got duck on the menu, you can get some revenge.

Sounds good. I'm gonna go to the bathroom

and get this, uh, sand out of my pants.

Hello there, um, table for two.

Certainly. Uh, it's gonna be about a half an hour

to 40 minutes. Is that all right?

Okay, sure, um, name's Butler.

Oh... I gave my last five to the groundskeeper

to sic a goose on my friend.

We'll call your name when your table's ready.

I sicced a goose on my friend.

So the bathroom attendant told me

that it was mating season, so apparently

the goose was just really into me.

Hey, did you put our name in?

Yeah, but he said it's gonna be, like,

a half an hour to 40 minutes. You know what? You should ask.

Why?

Because of your charm and good looks.

Oh, really?

No, Dave, because you're white.

You really think that's gonna help us get a table faster?

Look, it might.

It's like when you're trying to go into a nightclub,

you get to skip the line

if you walk in with a beautiful lady.

So, because I'm white, I'm your beautiful lady?

The goose thought so.

Okay.

Calvin, it's not gonna make any difference.

All right, well, prove me wrong.

Happily.

Hi.

Uh, yeah, excuse me, uh, can I get a table for two, please?

Of course, but it's gonna be about

a half an hour to 40 minutes. Is that all right?

Oh, it's great. Uh, the name's Johnson.

You were wrong.

30 to 40 minutes, just the same as you.

I mean, well, it was worth a try.

Yeah, well, you're lucky I'm not the kind of guy to say,

"I told you so," because...

Johnson, party of two, your table's ready.

Ladies first.

Great table, Dave. Thanks for being born so pale.

Would you stop it?

Look, you can thank me for my kindness, my cheerful spirit,

or my signature guacamole, but not this.

Because you know this was a mistake, right?

No, the only mistake was not pulling

my "Dave card" out sooner.

I mean, the reward points are amazing.

Ooh, fish tacos!

You know, I'm sure there's a perfectly logical

explanation for this.

Uh, excuse me.

Yes? Is everything all right?

Yeah, just a quick question, um,

you know, my friend here put his name down before I did,

and-and somehow I got a table first.

I am so sorry.

We were totally swamped, uh, we had a cancellation,

you were the last person I had spoken to...

Look, there's no excuse.

Please, uh, let me comp your meal.

Oh, thank you. Of course.

You see that?

A completely innocent mix-up. Race had nothing to do with it.

All right, think what you want to, Dave.

All I know is my Dave card got me upgraded

from fish tacos to lobster.

Whoa, cool!

I thought you said I couldn't play with guns.

Well, that was before you said I wasn't fun.

Besides, these aren't guns, they're blasters.

But don't tell your teachers.

All right, let's do this. What are the teams?

Johnsons versus Butlers. Battle for the block!

Ooh!

Really, Gemma? You two versus us three?

It's, like, a little kid and his mom...

Ooh.

Oh, it's on.

- Ooh! - Come on, Grover, take cover!

Troops, take your positions!

Marty, Marty.

What? I-I see you, Mom. Hi. Ah...

Malcolm, Malcolm.

Yeah, I got you, Ma.

Black power!

Hey, hey, guys, just cover me, all right?

I'm going in.

Now let me show you how it's done.

Wait, wait! Ow, ow!

Ow! Ah...

That's how it's done!

Get him, boys, defend your mother!

Come on, Grover, retreat, retreat.

Back to home base.

Boys!

Boys, wait!

You want us to hold our position here?

No. Come help me up.

My barrel roll ain't what it used to be.

Just so you know, even though they comped this meal,

it still counts as my treat.

Okay, you know, Calvin, tell me this,

if this place is so racist, why were you willing to eat here?

No one said it was racist.

I just saw an opportunity to use your white privilege.

And it's delicious.

I got a table by mistake.

I don't think that's exactly white privilege.

See? That's white privilege right there.

Not knowing that you're benefiting from it.

Okay, I-I know that

I have certain social advantages on occasion

because of the color of my skin.

I'm woke.

Dave, you about as woke as I am

when Tina puts on a movie with subtitles.

Okay, well, then, please enlighten me.

Dave, your white privilege

isn't something that kicks in on occasion,

it's something you benefit from every day.

You play by a different set of rules.

It's like life is golf, and you get to tee off

from the women's tee, which you did.

Only once, and that was after that goose dug me up

in the sand trap.

Look, look, man, it doesn't even matter,

all right? I'm not mad at youfor it.

Okay, well, with all due respect,

I ju... I think you're seeing something that's not there.

Really? Okay.

Put this on.

Yeah, well, there's a no-hat policy.

They made you take it off.

Exactly. But I bet if you put it on, nothing will happen.

Except maybe me looking better in it than you.

Like I said, nothing will happen.

Okay, yeah, fine, but you'll see.

The same rules that apply to you apply to me.

All right.

I just hope people notice me in it.

All right, soldiers, move in!

Move.

All right, Johnsons, we got you surrounded.

If you don't surrender in 30 seconds,

we're coming in after you.

We'll never surrender!

Mom, I think we have to surrender.

Come on, Grover, don't be such a wuss.

Did you just call me a wuss?

Yeah, what are you gonna do about it, cry to your mommy?

How could you boys ever think I wasn't fun?

Oh... it's not that you're not fun, Ma,

it's just that Pop's always more spontaneous.

Oh, well, you don't think I can be spontaneous?

Mom, it's not your strong suit, so...

God...

What? Do I have a target on my neck or something?

New game. I'm going in with the Johnsons!

Yes! See, Grover?

This is why you never surrender.

You were right!

But now you better run.

Moms against sons!

Oh, this is the best day ever!

- Oh! - No!

Leave him! Leave him!

Oh, sweetie, sweetie, are you okay?

Oh, I think I hit my funny bone.

Oh, do you want Mommy to kiss it and make it better?

Yeah.

See? Sometimes mom stuff isn't so bad, right?

You okay now?

Yeah, thanks, Mom.

Good.

- Now run, wuss! - You better run!

- Yeah! Go, go! - You better run!

This food was delicious.

I, uh, tip my hat to the chef.

But I do not take it off.

It's been ten minutes, Dave.

If that loud "phone call"

thanking your hatmaker didn't work,

I don't think anything will.

You're right, I'm probably being too subtle.

Uh, he... excuse me, bartender? Uh...

I know it's only the afternoon, but I sure could use a nightcap.

Do you know how to make a Man-hat-tan?

I mean, do you believe me now,

or should we both go outside and see who can hail a cab?

No, you, you. Perfect.

Anything you want to say to me? You know,

off the top of your head?

Um, I hope you had a pleasant experience at Hillmount?

How can you say that?

Because they tell us to?

See? I told you so.

Huh... do you remember the rules now?

You're letting him walk around with the hat on,

but you made me take it off.

Uh, I'm sorry, guys, I don't want any trouble here.

Well, you found it, because you're messing

with the wrong woke white dude.

The rules should be the same for everyone.

I mean, did you see what just happened here?

This was a travesty!

Okay, Dave, chill out.

I still have a cappuccino coming.

No. No, Calvin,

it's-it's not right.

If my friend can't wear a hat in here,

none of us should be able to wear a hat in here.

Dave, that's my hat, man. What the hell?

Yeah, "What the hell?" is right. Yeah... what the hell?

What the hell?

What the hell? What the hell?

Excuse me, sir, sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Why? Because he's black?

No, because you're trying to start a riot.

No, I'm trying to start a revolution.

Uh...

Look, I'm sorry, I'm his first black friend.

You were pretty quiet in the car. You all right?

Yeah, just disappointed.

I was really looking forward to today.

I'm sorry.

I always forget how painful it is

when racial inequality affects you white dudes.

How do you do it?

How do you handle all the double standards?

I would be angry all the ti...

Is that why you're angry all the time?

Sometimes. Sometimes it's other things,

but most of the times it's you.

I mean, let me tell you a story about getting angry, man.

You know, when I first wanted to open

my auto shop, I went to a local bank here to get a loan.

And despite my good credit and work history,

all they would approve me for

was a crazy disrespectful interest rate.

So what'd you do?

Well, I wanted to tell them to kiss my...

but instead I said thank you

and I took the money.

Then I rolled up my sleeves and I worked hard

and I built my business

and I bought this house and I raised my family.

And I paid that loan off three years early.

If I'd have gotten angry, none of that would've happened.

That must have felt great.

You know what feels better?

Is that my shop is still here, and that bank is long gone.

Kind of like your hat.

Oh, yeah, you're buying me another hat.

And I hope you get cash back on your Dave card,

because that thing wasn't cheap, man.

You want to come on in for a beer?

Yeah, sure.

- No! - What?

Sorry, I... I thought I heard flapping.

Wh-What the hell is this?

Grover, what's going on?

It's a trap!

Calvin, cover me!

No, you cover me.

- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy - - www.addic7ed.com -