All language subtitles for The Kids Are Alright s01e17 Low Expectations

[ Music plays on TV ]

Eddie, you got something
from a novelty company?

Ooh!
My X-ray specs.

I hurt my hand. I just want
to make sure it isn't broken.

Anything for me from
the Super Sugar Crisp people?

No, just a postcard
from Tony the Tiger.

He says
he's grrrrravely ill.

Gonna guess diabetes.

William: I wouldn't
get my hopes up.

A million kids sent in
a box-top for that contest.

You also had to
write an essay --

"Why I Deserve To Appear
On 'The Partridge Family'."

I spent the first 19 pages
crapping on "The Brady Bunch."

No love lost there.

It's "Munsters" versus
"Addams Family" all over again.

But you like
"The Brady Bunch."

And if they have a contest, I'll
crap on "The Partridge Family."

It's called show business,
not show friendship.

It's all covered
in my essay.

Don't expect rock 'n' rollers
like the Partridges

to get back to you
in a timely fashion.

"Come On Get Happy!"
[ Laughs ]

We all know
how they get happy.

Marijuana cigarettes.
I got it.

Your father and I
are leaving.

But, don't worry. It's not
the big one yet. We'll be back.

William, keep an eye
on the baby. Right-ee-o.

I'm taking your mother
for her driving test,

so stay off the streets
and sidewalks.

[ Laughs ]
In fact, just to be safe,

you might want
to hide indoors.

[ Laughter ]

I rehearsed the
"streets and sidewalk" part.

The -- The "hide indoors,"
that -- that just hit me.

The way Mom would
with a car.

With these on,
I can look through walls

and see if she's coming.

[ Laughter ]

Did you see that
coming?

All my boys
are so funny.

Look out, Bob Hope!

Why? Are you driving
near his house?

[ Stifled laughter ]
Knock it off!

It's rude to joke about

the very real danger
of Mom's driving.

It's not
worth the risk, Mom.

I want us
to grow old together.

Suddenly, a trip
through the windshield

doesn't sound so bad.

[ Laughter ]

Adult Timmy: Weeks had passed
since I'd entered

the "Partridge Family" contest.

I started to accept reality --

my essay obviously
got lost in the mail.

I decided to deliver it myself.

Hey, chief.
Working hard or hardly working?

How's the wife?
Mean as a snake.

Wait a second!

You're not someone I share
cheap shots at my wife with.

What are you
trying to pull?

I just have to go
drop something off

at the "Partridge Family"
offices.

And are the "Partridge" people
expecting you?

I'm exactly
what they're not expecting,

and that's
what makes me pop.

Oh, pop? Don't pop.

That's not how
we do things around here.

It's called show business,
not show surprises!

Eh, "Partridge" auditions
are next week.

No, I'm here for
the Super Sugar Crisp contest.

Oh, that's over.

They hired some kid
with a plate in his head for the publicity.

Nice kid, though.

He let us throw
refrigerator magnets at him.

Wait, you said something
about another audition?

They're replacing
one of the kids.

And word on
the fake New York street is

they're replacing
Danny Bonaduce, "The Duce."

"The Duce"?

Oh, that's what
we're contractually required to call him.

But I believe they've had enough
of his reign of terror!

You know, that guy
once threw apple juice at me.

Throwing apple juice?

I've got to
get into this audition!

[ Thud ]
Oof!

Really drilled
that squirrel.

It's actually safer
than swerving to avoid them.

You're doing quite well.

Tell that to my husband.

He's very ignorant
when it comes to women drivers.

We all know the real problem
is these "guests"

from other countries.

Last vehicle they drove
was a yak or a magic carpet.

O...kay.

Uh, so,
now make a left here.

Oh, no, thank you, Ron.

You just tell me
where you want to go,

I'll get you there
some other way.

Oh, left turns
are part of the test.

[ Sighs ]

Stop at the intersection
and then proceed when safe.

[ Turn signal clicking ]

"When safe."

You know what's safe,
Ron?

Going right.

[ Horns honking ]
Go now, 'cause it's yellow.

Yellow means danger.
We're just gonna go straight.

[ Tires squeal ]
Oh! Okay.

That was a big failure
back there. [ Sighs ]

Fine, fine. Just take
a couple points off.

Then we can drive around,
I'll hit a few squirrels,

and we'll push that grade
back up.

I'm a shoo-in to be
the new Danny.

I mean, I've got the talent,
plus the red hair.

Plus, I've built relationships
on the show. Look.

"Love, Susan Dey."

Yeah. It's her real name --
intimate.

Won't that be weird
for you

when you have to play
brother and sister?

Okay. I think
we're both professionals.

Hold my Clackers.

I'm going outside
to play on the monkey bars.

I hope the monkeys
show up this time.

[ Sighs ] Pat has
clacked himself in the head

one too many times.

Is that
Laurie Partridge?

Do you know her?

They have an ongoing
intimate correspondence.

And it looks like
I may be joining the show.

On television?
We're not talking dinner theater.

Jinkies!

What is David Cassidy
really like?

Describe him slowly,
starting with his lips.

Timmy: They're good people
over there.

You know, a set
becomes like a family.

Though I hadn't even
scheduled an audition yet,

I decided to get
some early buzz going.

Joey also saw an opportunity.

Anybody wanna pay
3 bucks

for this rare,
one-of-a-kind picture?

I'll buy it for $2.

It's called show business,
not show discount, sweetie.

Who's got
three simoleons?

I'll take it.

Thank you.

Could you sign
my Pee Chee folder?

I also have
Chris Partridge's Clackers,

as seen in an episode.

I loved that episode!

What's your name?

Danny,
how about it, huh?

You ready to rehearse
with us or not?

Oh, sure, Keith.

I'm really ready
to rehearse the music.

I should learn how to play
the bass for my audition.

I could give you
some pointers.

It's gonna be tough replacing
an icon like Danny Bonaduce.

When they see my interpretation
of the role,

they'll be calling him
Danny Bona-who?-chee.

You better hope
that show has writers.

That Ron character
was completely unreasonable.

What's so important
about left turns?

Well, as far as turns go,
it's one of The Big Two.

Failing a test is nothing
to be embarrassed about.

I fail at stuff
all the time

and still feel good
about myself.

Well, you shouldn't.

Peggy: I made it clear.

I simply wanted
a "no left turn" license,

like all the celebrities
have.

I don't think
that's a real thing.

They have special licenses --
for taxicabs and tractors.

That Oscar Mayer
Wienermobile --

no one's making a left
in the wiener.

Frank:
I'm on your side, Mom.

It's totally unfair
to expect a woman

to have the same ability
with machines as a man.

That's just science.

Mom's good
with lots of machines,

like the washing machine
and the stove.

Yeah, but those don't
put people's lives in peril.

There was that time
she served us those clams

she scraped off the posts from
under the Santa Monica Pier.

[ Scoffs ]
We all knew going in

free shellfish
was not without risk.

There was nothing wrong
with those clams.

You kids brought
something home from school.

I got real hot,
and then I could hear colors.

I liked it!

Thank you, Pat.

Think we owe ourselves
a beach day.

You'll take that test
again, Peg.

I'll tutor you
on left turns.

We can go
to the graveyard...

[ Chuckling ]
...so you can't hurt anyone.

[ Laughter ]
I don't need any help from you Burns and Schreibers.

I'll practice with
my good friend Helen Portollo,

and she can take me
to the test.

You hate your good friend
Helen Portollo.

At least she's not
a cackling jackanape.

Plus, she and Steven
are having martial problems,

so if I don't pass,
I'll have that to cheer me up.

But my mom chose Helen for
an entirely different reason.

She didn't just ask Helen to
take her to the driving test.

She asked Helen to
take the driving test for her.

[ Whispering ] Psst.

What do I say
is your weight?

[ Whispering ]
Just put down your weight

and subtract 20 pounds.

Use my age, not yours.

I don't want to have to take
this test again in six months.

Helen had no problem
making left turns.

In fact, my mom was with her

when she left-turned
up her driveway

and right over
her husband's golf clubs.

So Helen had no choice
but to help.

Any chance you remember
your actual hair color?

It's gonna be you
in the picture, so whatever that is.

Scarecrow Number Nine?

[ Scoffs ]

[ Camera whirring ]

Man: Smile, Mrs. Cleary.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

This one goes
to Cathy with a "C,"

"XOXO, David Cassidy."

And throw in
an extra "XO"

because daddy likey
Cathy with a "C."

I feel like
we're crossing a line here.

Oh, unbunch your panties.

It's Hollywood.
We're selling dreams.

We're selling hair
you clipped off Eddie and Lawrence

while they were sleeping.

While they were dreaming.

It's probably
against the law.

William...

these are the precious days
of our youth,

when we can't
be tried as adults.

Cherish this fragile time,

because it'll be gone
in a blink.

I have been trying for weeks,
and I can't get into

that audition
for "The Partridge Family."

Aren't you supposed to have
an agent for that stuff?

My agent bugs them
every day.

I told them you're a pisher
with the punim of a star,

but they're meshuggah
over there.

I...

I'm gonna have to
go down to the studio

and talk
to someone in casting.

While you're there,
bring home a few trinkets --

a gum wrapper
from Shirley Jones,

David Cassidy's comb.

Or, if the situation
presents itself,

hot-wire that crazy bus.

I can't steal
from future co-stars.

Acting exists
within a cocoon of trust.

It's called show business,
not show ripping-people-off.

Hey, Joey,
what's up with the hair?

Just making wigs
for sick children.

It's a program
I call "Joey Cares."

You jerk! You cut
a big clump off my head while I was sleeping!

All donations to "Joey Cares"
are tax-deductible.

You cut my hair again
and Joey will hurt.

And no one will care.

That's not
the worst of it.

He is peddling this junk

to little school kids
on playgrounds.

You seem to know a lot
about my activities.

In the still of the night,
I walk the house

for both
knowledge and security.

Maybe I should move out.

Mock if you want,
but it's a small price to pay

to see Mom smile.

That's right --
she smiles!

[ Inhales deeply ]

But only in her sleep.

♪♪

Take me with you.

♪♪

Once I finish this sandwich,
you and I are returning

the money you took
from those little girls.

The only reason
we're not leaving right now

is I'm racing the
expiration date on this bologna.

And you're giving back
every dirty penny.

Can you please point
your weasel face at somebody else?

Buddy, this weasel face

is the best friend
you've got right now.

I don't know how long I can
keep this guy from losing it.

Shut up, Frank.
Hoh hoh!

There's a little taste
right there.

You don't have to take Joey
to return the money, Mike.

Let another
licensed driver

have the pleasure
of shaming our child.

Look at you, Mom!
There's your 4:00 A.M. smile.

Congratulations.
Let me see.

No, no. My good friend Helen
gets to see this first.

In a way, it's as much hers
as it is mine.

If the picture looks anything
like you, Mom, it's stunning.

Mike: Sorry, son.
She's taken.

[ Peggy and Frank chuckle ]

Honey,
I'm proud of you.

Oh, well,
save your pride.

Joey, let's go.
Frank, you too.

You can watch your brother
apologize to girls.

It's a skill
you're gonna need.

Timmy:
His name is Boris.

So just get him talking
and facing that direction.

I'll slip past
and go find the casting people.

Just go.
Okay, fine, fine, fine.

[ "I Think I Love You" plays ]

♪♪

♪ I was sleeping, and right
in the middle of a good dream ♪

♪ Like all at once,
I wake up ♪

♪ From something that keeps
knocking at my brain ♪

♪ Before I go insane,
I hold my pillow to my head ♪

♪ And spring up
in my bed ♪

♪ Screaming out
the words I dread ♪

♪ "I think I love you" ♪

♪ I think I love you,
so what am I so afraid of? ♪

♪ I'm afraid
that I'm not sure of ♪

♪ A love there is no cure for ♪

♪ Though it worries me to say
that I never felt this way ♪

Aah! Aah!
Aaaaaaaaah!

[ Thud, clatter ]
No!

Where are you going?

Seize him!

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Timmy!
Are -- Are you okay?

Timmy: [ Echoing ]
Not really.

Timmy
fell down a hole!

Get Lassie!
Stage 5!

Partridge Family:
♪ Hey, I think I love you ♪

♪ So what am I so afraid of? ♪

♪ I'm afraid
that I'm not sure of ♪

♪ A love there is no cure for ♪

♪ I think I love you ♪

♪ Isn't that
what life is made of? ♪

♪ Though it worries me to say
that I've never felt this way ♪

[ Static, radio tuning ]

Stop monkeying
with that radio!

How I miss the gentle art
of a conversation.

You know
who doesn't miss it?

People
you're talking to.

[ Siren wailing ]
What on Earth?

Fuzz on your tail, Mom.
I smell bacon.

This is what's wrong
with America --

police hassling
innocent citizens

while the Manson Family
is out there

stabbing folks willy-nilly.

This picture isn't you,
ma'am.

Don't be silly.

I mean, it's not
the most flattering portrait,

but I'd been up all night

and was recently
punched in the face

by one of
those boxing kangaroos.

You gave
as good as you got, Mom.

My sons can vouch
that that's me.

Right, Frank?

Well, Officer-of-the-law,
my mom says it's her,

so --

I'm sorry.
It's all going black.

I'm gonna confiscate
this license.

Do you need me
to call your husband

so he can
come and get you? [ Sighs ]

I doubt you'll be able
to reach him.

Today's his day
in the hot air balloon.

My son Frank
will drive us home.

I'm in no fit state.
[ Groans ]

I've got this,
Officer.

Okay.

You drive safely, now,
Dr. Reauchamp.

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

Not a word to your father
about that pushy policeman

taking my license.

I'm talking to you, Frank.

I know we can count on
Dr. Reauchamp to lie.

[ Door opens ]

What in the blue blazes
did you do to yourself?!

He fell off a wall
and straight down a manhole.

Kid can't even
fall off a wall normal.

'Course you had to
be wearing your new Towncraft from JCPenney.

Where's the sleeve?

Doctor couldn't save it.
He did all he could.

Ohh.
Go to your room.

And if you start vomiting,
steer it away from that shirt.

It's going back to Penney's
in the morning.

Our outing was uneventful.

We gave money
to little girls

in exchange
for hair and underwear.

Right, Frank?

Am I leaving
anything out?

Everything fine.
Not lying.

There you are.

Well,
let's be fair, Mom.

There was
a teensy bit of lying.

I mean, you lied to that cop
who stopped us.

What cop?

Oh. The man pulled me over
to flirt.

You signed up for that
when you married me. [ Chuckles ]

And you lied about it being
your picture on your license.

And you lied to the DMV

when you had Helen Portollo
take your test for you.

And then you told me and Frank
to lie to Dad about it.

Whew! That pretty much covers
all Mom's lies.

Anyways, how was
hot air ballooning today, Pop?

This is a new low,
young man.

Blatantly disobeying me

when I specifically told you
to lie to your father!

How can we trust
a word he says?

What do you have to say?

Uh -- Jo-- Mo--
Mom good, Joey bad.

Go out back and pull weeds
until your father and I

can come up with
an even worse punishment!

Geez!
[ Door opens ]

Makes you wonder
where we failed.

[ Door closes ]

Helen took your driving test
for you?

At this point, are you surprised
by anything that woman does?

What's really troubling
is these kids.

You told them
to lie to me.

What kind of moral example
is that?

An excellent one, apparently,
since Joey told the truth

under tremendous pressure
not to,

unlike
weak-kneed Frank here.

But you were the one
who did something wrong.

Nice try. You had your chance
to rat me out, and you blew it.

Don't glom
onto Joey's coattails

now that he's out there pulling
weeds for doing what's right!

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself!

I am. I-I should be
pulling weeds, too.

Go ahead!
If he'll let you.

I wouldn't.

But, then, Joey's
a better person than all of us!

And I'm not even counting
the work he does

for the "Joey Cares"
foundation!

[ Sobbing ]

[ Door opens, closes ]

That was a tricky one.

But...think we got to
the other side of it.

You drove
with a fake license.

What if
something happened?

We could lose the house --

not to mention
whatever house you drove into.

[ Chuckles ]

There you go again,

undermining me
with your little jokes.

It's no wonder
I get nervous driving. Huh?

I-I start turning left
into traffic,

and all I can think about
is you and the boys

having a gas and a giggle
at poor old Peggy.

Come on. I di--
It's a lot harder to have faith in yourself

when your own family
doesn't believe in you.

Driving is new and scary
for me, Mike.

But go ahead --
yuk it up!

[ Andy crying ]
I won't get a license!

The squirrels are safe
once again!

♪♪

[ Shudders ]

Well, the "Partridge Family"
casting guy called.

He finally finished listening to
your dozens of phone messages.

Yeah, I used different accents
to showcase my range.

He offered an audition time
for later.

But since
you're in no shape to go --

[ Russian accent ] Please
to tell me what time, comrade!

That's actually
pretty good.

Peg, listen.
Shh!

[ Whispering ]
You wake this baby, so help me,

I will beat you to death
with this baby.

[ Door closes quietly ]

What?

I understand
it's been hard for you,

this license thing.

[ Sighs ]

Driver's license --
such rigmarole.

In Europe,
anyone can drive at any age

on either side
of the street.

Look, I'll admit,

y-you driving wasn't something
I thought was important.

But maybe it is.

I should've been better
about it.

No more
insensitive jokes.

From now on,
I'll stick to picking on

Polish people and fatsos.

Aww, honey.
That's so sweet.

[ Chuckles softly ]

But -- I hate myself
for saying this --

it's not
entirely your fault.

There's just something
about left turns --

I freeze, like that deer
I ran over last week.

You'll find a way
to calm yourself

and take the test again.

[ Sighs ]
You can beat this.

Hey.

You know
how nervous I get

when I have to speak
in front of people.

But I've developed
this clever trick

to help me relax.

That's a great idea --

alcohol!

[ Chuckling ] Hey!

No.
Not alcohol.

I say
a few Hail Marys.

Well, good for you.
Where's the cooking wine?

[ Laughing ] You can't drink
before the driving test!

Drinking after it
won't do me any good.

According to my friend Dino,
they smell booze on your breath,

it's an automatic fail.

And offering the guy a beer
does not help.

There are
more enlightened ways

of dealing
with nervousness, Mom.

Have you considered T.M. --
Transcendental Meditation?

Sure. I'll just join
a naked hippie cult.

As always, very helpful,
Lawrence.

Wendi's father
is afraid of flying,

so his doctor
gave him sedatives.

We did that with the dog.

Remember Bosco, when he got
[Laughing] old and jittery?

Especially around Mom.

That's just 'cause I didn't
fuss over him, like all of you.

[ Baby-talking ]
"Oh, such a good boy."

[ Normal voice ]
Then prove it!

All that shameless begging.

That's why
I prefer a peacock.

They're beautiful,
but they're mean.

Yeah. That tracks.

Bosco got nervous in the car,
just like you, Peg.

That's why the vet
gave him the sedatives.

I remember.
They cost $11.

Ohh. I bet we have
some of those left.

I was heartbroken
after Bosco died.

Couldn't get a refund
from that pharmacist.

Now, where are they?

Do dog sedatives
work on people?

They actually work
pretty great.

♪♪

I think I know
where they might be.

I'll bet you do.

[ Saw whirring ]

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa!

[ Whirring stops ]

This looks like
a bad idea.

Ohh! Thank you.

Just do it. I'm not
missing my chance at stardom.

Talk some sense into him.

I just meant
letting William do it,

when Dr. Reauchamp
is on duty.

Here,
let me take a look.

Yeah,
that's healing nicely.

Okay.

[ Saw whirring ]

[ Grinding ]

How's your arm feel?

[ Strained ] Like a dead ham
hanging off my shoulder.

[ Chuckling ] Hey, kid!
How ya feeling?

Never better.

'Cause you fell down
a 12-foot manhole.

I do
all my own stunts.

I should be on, uh,
your list for today.

Yep, there it is --
Timmy Cleary.

Sign right there
next to your name.

[ Grunts ]

It...seems to be
out of ink.

Ah, just give it
a good shake.

Ow!

Ow.

You know,
you seem a little old

to be playing
Chris Partridge.

I'm auditioning
for Danny.

You were the one
who tipped me off they were recasting.

I did?
I got that way wrong.

They're recasting
the little brother.

You can't fire Bonaduce.

He's a monster,
but he's a monster talent.

Who cares if he ran me over
with a golf cart?

It's called show business,
not show be-nice-to-Boris.

So I don't
get to be Danny?

No.

But you seem to be

just about the right age
to play Chris.

You play the drums?

I play 17 musical instruments,
including the didgeridoo.

That's perfect!

Actually, I don't know.
I've never seen the show.

Do this, William.

Take my spot.

Get to the top,
then pull me up behind you,

like Charlton Heston did
for his brother Jerry.

Thanks, but I prefer
to live a quiet life

away from the limelight.

Oh, you're missing
a bet there, kid.

Become a child star --
take it from me --

the rest of your life
is Easy Street.

Eh.

♪♪

[ Chuckles ]

Guess Mom
passed her test.

Congratulations,
Mommy!

The world's
first female driver.

How's the weeding?

Wouldn't be so bad, except
every time I pull one out,

Pat replants it.

I'm learning
how to farm.

[ Sighs ]

Sorry about
ratting you out to Dad.

What was that
all about?

I can't object to you having
a friend take a test for you.

I-I mean, I'm in 8th grade,
I'm a straight-A student,

and I don't even know
how to read.

What bugged me was
you giving up on yourself

and thinking that
you couldn't pass that test.

Well,
I completed a left turn.

He gave me
a perfect score.

Glad you toughed it out,
Mom.

I'm proud of you.

Well,
I did have some help.

Thank you, Bosco.

Good boy.

Finally.

[ Scoffs ]

♪♪

Joey's still picking
those weeds?

Fast as he picks them,
Pat's putting them back.

Idiot.

[ Chuckles ]
[ Sighs ]

What's wrong? Why aren't you
piling on the kids with me?

I just hate that I needed a pill
to pass that test.

Remember
that "Barnaby Jones"

about the housewife
who got hooked on the goofballs?

Honey,
you're not gonna end up

a go-go dancer
in a biker bar

to feed
the monkey on your back.

Well, I'd like to think
I could if I wanted to.

Certainly better
than Patty Duke.

The thing is, I switched out
those dog pills

for some Tic Tacs.

That left turn today
was all you.

My mouth did feel
suspiciously fresh.

Mm-hmm.

Even Ron noticed.

[ Chuckles ]

Thank you, honey.

Guess it was
a rare "Barnaby Jones,"

where they
got it all wrong.

I don't buy that guy
as a detective.

To me, he is and always will be
Mr. Jed Clampett.

Mm-hmm.

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