Original subtitles

[MUSIC PLAYING]

VERA: Annie, sweetie,

are you sure you're not gonna join us at the pool?

I don't feel like swimming.

VERA: I'd like you to make the most of this vacation.

You know, your dad's already down there

and he said he'd go diving for pennies with you!

- Can't I just read? - [VERA SIGHS]

OK, but if you change your mind, come on down.

OK.

- GIRL: Come on! - GIRL 2: Hurry up!

[LAUGHING]

- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com --

[MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

_

ANNIE: Aw, look at you.

I guess Lamar inspired you to cook?

Yeah, I guess he did.

Does that mean you're gonna fuck me as well?

Oh, God.

Fran. I'm... I'm sorry.

- Are you mad? - Why would I be mad?

We're one step closer to being sisters.

- Ohh. Oh, God! - [BOTH LAUGH]

OK. I...

I hope you know that, like, Lamar and I talked,

and I was gonna tell you.

Well, he already told me. He has a very big mouth.

I mean, you knew that already, because...

- you just took his virginity. - Fran.

- No. - FRAN: Ohh!

[LAUGHS] I forgot that you believed in Santa until you were 16.

- My God! Ugh, what? - FRAN: Gullible baby possum.

- So how'd you feel about last night? - ANNIE: I mean...

pretty fuckin' good.

Whoa!

No. What are you doing? That's my brother.

- Oh. I know. - FRAN: That's inappropriate.

OK, wow, no.

Tell me how you feel in terms of your emotions, and nothing more.

Well, if I'm being totally honest,

I mean, I don't know,

Ryan was just with someone else,

but I just told him how fucked up that was,

and then I went and did the exact same thing.

Like, I just, I don't know, I feel kind of...

Please don't say guilty.

- I do. I feel guilty. - FRAN: Great.

OK, nope. Nope.

I would like to propose and instill

a strict "No Ryan" rule in this house, thank you.

- Wha... what's that? - FRAN: It means never say his name,

never bring him into our home.

He is an ignorant bag of expired meat,

and I've told you and told you, and you're not listening,

and I'm getting tired of it, so I have to be strict with you.

OK, but I've been wanting to be Mrs. Expired Meat for a while.

- Oh, my God, can I have that? - FRAN: No.

No.

GABE: All right, it's official,

we're doing the "Thousand and One Summer Stories" issue again,

so please, let's be diligent about the overlap?

We don't need three stories about vaginal waxing.

- Plus, bush is back. - I agree.

Also, HR has a new insurance policy,

which means we have a preventative health discount program,

which means I save a buttload of money if you can manage

to pry your cheese-thighs off the couch more than once a week.

Okay, didn't you write about this

- for your obesity epidemic article? - GABE: I did write about that.

- Thank you for giving a fuck. - ANDY: I loved that story, Gabe,

- it changed me. - Andy, fuck off.

OK, look, we're gonna be getting rid of the vending machines...

- What? - ... and we're gonna do

one heart-healthy "grouptivity" once a month,

- starting this week. - Oh, cool. Forced fun.

That's right, forced fun. I like that. Forced fun.

We're gonna call it Forced Fun,

and our first Forced Fun activity is this Saturday.

It's gonna be a ten-mile bike ride around Sauvie Island. How's that?

Actually, I just got my youngest a bike, so that'll be fun.

Oh, no, no youngest, no kids. Kids are the opposite of fun.

Kids are like mice on a glue trap,

squealing and shitting until you drown them.

All right, I've got a call in five.

That means you're gonna email me your pitches.

- That'll be all. - Oh, actually, Gabe,

if I could just give you a quick pitch...

Didn't I literally just say email the pitches?

- Yes. Yes. - But you're gonna give me a pitch.

Well, I heard about this pool party,

and it's all about inclusivity...

- I hate that word. - ... and celebrating larger bodies,

and they sent it to the calendar,

but I think it could be a cool story.

Bodies in a pool. That's not a story, Annie.

OK, but it actually is about a lot more than that.

It's about people feeling comfortable in their own skin.

The last thing we need is everybody feeling

comfortable in their own skin.

That would be the '70s.

My gut instinct is that it's not a good fit.

Great fit for the calendar. Go crazy with that.

OK, and you should definitely trust your gut,

but I also think that my last article is proof...

- [HANGS UP PHONE] - ... that my instincts might be good, too.

- Right? - Annie, we gotta pace ourselves.

Remember Gutenberg's second idea after the printing press?

- No. - Exactly.

The answer is no. Thank you so much.

- Are we good? Great. - Y-Yeah.

God! He was just so dismissive about my article.

Yeah. He just compared my human children to rodents, so...

I know. But, like, am I just back to square one?

I'm just the calendar girl now?

You've got a log-in and a password.

Just go online and upload somethin'.

Yeah, but wouldn't that make Gabe so mad?

No. Not if it's good.

Remember what happened with your last article.

I mean, that's true. That's true.

And I'm going to the party anyway.

I might as well at least see if there's an angle, right?

- Why not? - Annie Easton investigates.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh! Shit.

We raided the vending machine... Oh, fuck! Shit!

Fuck shit! Fuckin' shit!

I'm gonna get some candy.

RUTHIE: Did you know that fruit was actually the original inspiration

- for candy? - ANNIE: No.

RYAN: Annie!

RUTHIE: Oh, my God. Who is that?

Looks like Chewbacca after an acid attack.

Um, yeah, I... I actually...

- I know him. - Ew.

Yeah. Um, I'll... I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Bye.

- Hey. - What are you doing here?

- RYAN: You didn't answer my text. - Yeah.

Well...

are you still mad at me?

I don't know.

[SIGHS]

Annie. Hey, maybe we can...

OK, OK. I should just tell you something, OK?

Um, I was with someone else.

And I don't want to hide it from you,

and so now you know that... I fucked someone.

Oh, shit.

I don't know why you even care, honestly,

but that's what I was doing when I wasn't with you.

RYAN: Wait, wait, wait, wait.

- Who was it? - Someone I know.

Someone... that I have known.

- Was it Pete or Mike? - No.

God. Do you even have any sense of who those people are?

How could you do... like...

I mean, this feels fuckin' really, really bad.

- ANNIE: Yeah. Yeah. - I feel insane right now.

I hate this!

OK, well, don't you think that that's exactly how I felt

when I saw you with that pencil girl?

I mean, I felt like shit, and now you feel like shit.

OK, let's call it even.

No, because I can't keep fucking doing this half-ass thing with you.

I mean, we've been through this, truly, a million times,

and you keep coming after me, but... but honestly,

if you don't see me as someone who you want as a girlfriend,

then I don't know what we're doing here.

I don't know what I want, OK? But I fuckin' hate this.

This feels terrible.

Yeah, well, you made it like this.

- You did this. I gotta go. - I didn't...

I didn't know that I did...

Annie, come on.

ANNIE: I don't know, it was kinda sad,

he, like, tracked me down, you know?

And that's what I honestly can't believe.

He came to my work.

- No Ryan. - What?

I can't even talk about how I blew him off?

No, because talking about him could lead to more obsessing,

- and we can't take that risk. - Hmm.

Oh, God. What is that?

The ATM girl gave me micro-dose shroom pills.

- I've taken like 20. - OK, but what is it?

It's just like a mini-dose of shrooms,

it gives you like a really chill vibe.

Yeah, but you took 20.

Yeah, because I flirt better when I'm high.

- Macro-dose, baby. - Oh, God.

Are you sure you're not gonna be hot?

Well, I don't want to get a sunburn.

Plus, you know, I'm here as a journalist.

It would be unprofessional for me to wear a swimsuit.

And I gotta be at Forced Fun in a couple hours, you know?

ANNIE: ... it's hard to control. I get it when you feel emotional,

- but at the same time, it's too much. - Yeah, honestly.

- [FESTIVE CHATTER] - [CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

- Holy shit. - Fucking hell.

[CHATTER, LAUGHTER]

- FRAN: Who is that girl? - WOMAN: Have fun!

She's so hot.

- I have to know her. - Let me just get my bearings

for a sec, OK?

Just... going...

- Hi. I'm Fran. - WOMAN: Hi.

- My friend, Annie. - Jeans to a pool party.

Bold choice. I like it.

Oh, yeah, I, uh... I like jeans, so I'm wearin' 'em.

- [LAUGHS] - Um, wow, I'm actually...

the reason I'm here is 'cause

I'm here from The Weekly Thorn.

Oh, yes, of course. Annie.

I know who you are. This... this is my event.

Thank you so much for signal-boosting it on the calendar.

You know, I actually sent it to you,

because I fucking loved your strip club article.

Thank you so much!

Um... that's so nice. How long...

how long have you had this event?

Gosh, this is our third year, and it just keeps getting bigger.

Wow. Well, I love this.

I-I really support

everything that's happening right now. It's amazing.

Yeah. You're so beautiful.

- Oh. - FRAN: You're like the sun.

- [BOTH LAUGH] - I'm very high.

Do you guys want to get in the pool?

- Yes. I want to get in the pool. - WOMAN: OK, let's do it.

ANNIE: You guys go ahead. I'm...

I'm gonna...

just... I'm gonna check shit out and hang.

Whoo!

You make my worries disappear

You got it, I want it

Why would I control it?

You could give it all to me

You speak to my senses

I scream till I surface

Don't know what's reality

Oh.

- WOMAN: Hi. - Hi.

[POP MUSIC CONTINUES]

I want those sweet lips on me again

Just a little bit

Just a little bit

Just a little bit

Just a little bit

Just a little bit

Just a little bit

Just a little bit

Just a little bit, just

I'll be your wildfire, ooh

Got them chills up and down your spine

I'm like a body high, high

I'll be the only drug you need, oh...

[CHEERFUL POP MUSIC PLAYS]

Hi! Could I get a margarita?

- Yeah, you want the frozen one? - Oh... maybe.

They're really good. That's what I got.

- OK, shit, I'll do it. - BARTENDER: Yeah? OK.

I, uh, I love your skirt.

Oh! Thanks. It's my friend's line.

I wear it, like, every day.

Yeah, that's... that's like exactly what I'm always looking for,

just like a plain, good skirt.

I know, but it's so hard trying to find plus-size basics.

I know, everything is either, like, a big Indiana Walmart sack

or it's, like, some cutesy shit covered in, like,

Eiffel Tower postage stamps or whatever.

- [LAUGHS] - God.

Oh, my friend who makes the skirts is here.

- Do you want to meet her? - Um, yes.

[BOTH LAUGH]

ANNIE: It's so cool that she like, has her own line.

Hey, Mary. This is Annie.

- MARY: Hey. - Nice to meet you.

Oh, cool.

And I know and I know and I know

That you got everything

But I got nothing here without you

Oh, baby

So one last time

- I need to be the one - WOMAN: Come on! Everyone's dancing!

Who takes you home

One more time

I promise after that

- I'll let you go - WOMAN: Come on!

- Baby, I don't care if you got her - OK.

In your heart

All I really care is you wake up in my arms

One last time

I need to be the one who takes you home

I know I should've fought it, at least I'm being honest

But stay with me a minute, I swear I'll make it worth it, hey

'Cause I don't wanna be without ya

So one last time

I need to be the one

Who takes you home

One more time

I promise after that

I'll let you go

Baby, I don't care if you got her in your heart

All I really care is you wake up in my arms

One last time

I need to be the one

Who takes you home, yeah

FRAN: [LAUGHING] Hey!

Oh, my God, it is so hot out here,

but I'm not even mad about it, honestly.

I'm just having so much fun!

- I'm having the time of my life. - Good!

- That's what this is all about. - ANNIE: I know!

Oh, my God, I've met so many people, and I'm honestly thinking

about buying a crop-top, which I gotta say

was not in the cards for me before,

but I just gotta get in that pool.

Everyone around me

Thinks I'm going to fail

But they can go to hell

They can go to

Hello, I'm no one to you

And before I wish you well

Go to hell

There's more than two dimensions

But you only see your point of view

While I sing myself the blues

This one's for you

- Go to hell - Yeah, this is good.

- Yay! - [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]

- Yes, yes. - So stupid.

They'll be bad, I know it.

- OK, tell me... - FRAN: They're good.

Really? Are they good or are they bad?

WOMAN: They're really fun.

FRAN: Oh, my God, you look really good!

OK.

- _ - Oh, fuck!

Shit! I was supposed to be at Forced Fun two hours ago.

God damn it!

OK, I can get dressed. Shit!

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

- ANNIE: Hi! - AMADI: Annie.

What's up, dude? You look like a drowned rat.

I know. I went...

- I went to a pool party. - Yeah?

And then I just lost track of time.

- Oh. How was it? - ANNIE: I mean, amazing, honestly.

- Like, maybe the best day of my life. - Oh, cool.

ANNIE: Yeah. Oh, hey, Gabe! Hey, Tony!

Oh, wow, Annie. Only two hours late.

- It's totally fine. - You know what,

he says that it's fine, but I can assure you, it's not fine.

I... I got that, Tony. Thank you.

- Lazy bodies, lazy minds. - Exactly.

I'm sorry, was... was that directed to me?

Annie, can we... talk in private?

Sure. Of course.

Look, I'm...

I don't want to embarrass you in front of everybody...

Yeah, Gabe, I'm really sorry.

Annie, your article was great,

but writing is not all about glamor, you know,

sometimes it's about doin' shit you don't want to do

- and getting paid in cat food. - I know,

and I... I really am sorry, I just...

I wasn't thinking, but I do... I take work very seriously.

Good. But you also know that the health focus

requires us to take the burden off the company

by taking care of ourselves.

OK, what does that mean?

There's... a sloppiness...

Like I said, "lazy bodies, lazy minds... "

it's kind of where our nation is going right now.

I mean, we can't get out of our fuckin' heads

to get off our screens and get up and do shit.

I'm not sure what you're trying to say specifically.

Like, about my health?

All I'm saying is that everybody else showed up

with their bikes on time.

And guess who didn't.

Success is about an effort.

I succeed because I try. I try every day, I try every way.

OK, well, I do try.

You didn't today.

OK.

TONY: All done?

Hope you weren't too hard on her.

[BICYCLE BELL RINGS]

ANNIE: He implied that...

I need to be less fat to do good work.

God, and it's like, isn't it already bad enough

that he is constantly writing about the obesity epidemic

like it's this... abstract, far away thing?

When it's, like, that's me. You know?

Like, I'm the obesity epidemic, and you know me.

You know I was like, at that event today,

and there were so many people

just like, living in their bodies and enjoying their life,

and that shit was un-fuckin'-believable to me.

And also, it's like, "OK, cool, man.

Really fuckin' cool. Very original point. No shit."

You don't think the whole world isn't constantly telling me

that I'm a fat piece of shit who doesn't try hard?

Every fuckin' magazine, and commercial,

and weird, targeted ads telling me to freeze my fat off

or to drink a tea so that I'll shit my brain out my ass?

And at this point, I could be a licensed fucking nutritionist,

because I've literally been training for it since the fourth grade,

which... is the first time that my mom said

that I should just eat a bowl of Special K

and not the dinner that she made for everyone else...

[CRYING] so that I might be a little bit smaller,

and so that she could fuckin'...

I could have boys like me.

My mom said that to me, too.

I... honestly, I don't even blame her,

because...

because it's a fucking mind prison, you know?

That every fuckin' woman everywhere

has been programmed to believe, you know?

And I've wasted so much time and energy and money, for what?

For what?! You know? I'm fat! I'm fuckin' fat!

Hello! I'm fat, you know?

Yeah. I wish someone would've said this to me when I was younger.

Me, too.

Because it would have saved me so much time...

and pain.

[SAD GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING]

[ANNIE SNIFFLING]

And I-I don't want to leave on that note.

I just wanna say that I actually did have a very lovely day

and it was... very fun.

I had so much fun.

[TYPING]

_

_

[UPBEAT INDIE MUSIC PLAYING]

I've been away, but I haven't changed

Can't say the same, you've gone your way

You think too much, your time is up

I'll be a friend

Just tell me when

If you're feeling okay

Meet me underwater

Meet me underwater

If you're feeling okay

Meet me underwater, meet me underwater

No one cares

No one cares

No one cares

If you're feeling okay

Meet me underwater

Meet me underwater

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