Original subtitles

- HEADMASTER AT THE BEDSIDE -

Good morning! Rise and shine, Brush your teeth, make the bed.

Good morning! Brush your teeth, make the bed.

- Good morning! Brush... - Brush your teeth, make the bed!

Good morn...

I can't!

Come on...

It doesn't want to.

Ebba calling Olga...

You're late, Max, They're here.

What? It's only half past eight.

- It will stand up eventually. It always has. - Yes, it will stand...

Stop it, Max, it's not unusual. It happens to everyone.

It's good that this doesn't happen often with your little tuppendix.

You mean "appendix"?

Not tuppendix, but appendix. It's Latin, meaning "appendage".

Yes, you told me, it contains neither muscles nor bones, and yet ...

... yet, it's just that. An... appendage!

Is it because of troubles at school? Why are you so nervous about this meeting?

My father's the Chairman of the Board, so he won't go against you,

Olga calling Bertha! The big honcho is heading towards the Headmaster's office.

They're here now!

- It gets worse and worse. - What were you doing at that age, Hansen?

You oiled the blackboard so the schoolmaster couldn't write on it.

- No, I don't remember that! - No, no... I don't remember...

- Good morning, Professor. - Good morning, Mr. Chairman.

Sorry, it's time for English class. "One, two, three. I can hop, I can run ... "

Please sit down, boys...

Max...

Is something on your mind?

I think there's something wrong ... Something wrong with me.

Not at all, Max. Deal with them quickly and leave.

Do you ...

- Do you think I should seek medical attention? - No.

You have no classes after the meeting. Come back here, and we'll have some coffee.

- It's locked. - The time to the half minute.

It's nine o'clock. When my watch says it's nine, then it's nine.

- Punctuality is a virtue in school! - Where is that man?

I don't know, he isn't my son in law!

Kiss my ass, Hansen!

STAY OFF Waxed Floor

I recall that my great-grandfather stuck a a pitchfork in your great-grandfather's belly!

And he hanged your great- grandfather for being a murderer!

He enjoyed killing your family!

Right on time, by your watch!

Calling Bertha... I'm in position outside the window. I repeat...

... I'm in position.

- Krab! Krab! Krabbesö! - Hey! Hey! Hey!

Non plus ultra ...

They're singing at the table. Mikkelmax is being given the floor.

He looks sick today. Standby...

It will cost about 100,000 kronor. That's nothing these days.

If construction starts soon, it will be ready for the new term.

I must say that the school board is not enthusiastic about the the Headmaster's plan.

It is rash. Bringing girls into Krabbesögård will cause a great upheaval.

Don't misunderstand me. I have nothing against girls in and of themselves.

- We were all young once. - Yes, but it was different then!

- We were younger then! - We respected traditions.

Why should we have girls here?

Our scholars school has fared well without girls for over 100 years.

Our students have other things to think about!

They're as nice as Jytte's, and at least as large.

Imagine caressing her goodies for a few hours. I'd be happy to!

She's almost too good for Mikkelmax.

Olga here. Come in.

- We're getting girls at the school! - Girls?

- Yes, I repeat: Girls! - Girls?

That Mikkelmax is okay!

When the Board appointed me as the school's youngest Headmaster ever I thought ...

... you wanted a vibrant, modern school. If so, there's only one way forward.

Girls.

A boys' school is an relic that belongs in a museum.

- Show some respect the school's traditions! - Kiss my...

... traditions! They're good only as long as they are... well...

Gentlemen, you are hopelessly old-fashioned!

Max, be sensible now. Let's talk about something else, ...

... like the money. The school doesn't have 50,000, much less 100,000.

- He must think money grows on trees! - Not with today's credit crunch.

You can find a new Headmaster unless I get classrooms for girls ... now!

- Sodom and Gomorrah... - It's the worst thing that could...

One at a time!

Who wants the floor? Who wishes to speak?

No, there's nothing more to discuss.

The meeting is adjourned.

Is the meeting over already?

Wonderful! I missed you.

It's going nowhere with those old fogies.

- My father, for example? - No, he's neither for it nor against it.

- Aren't you simply being stubborn? - No!

- Then how do you feel? - As if I want to do violence to someone!

- Would it accomplish anything? - Yes, it would make me feel better!

Then beat me, darling.

But, Line! No, Line...

Go ahead, if it will help...

No way, darling.

Then I have another idea. Come...

Off with the jacket...

- I can get the 100,000 myself! - ... then your buttons.

Shall we have coffee first?

- First? - Did I sit too hard on you?

No, not yet.

- Are you in? - Yes!

- Is something wrong? - No, only...

Hello... hello... hello!

- Don't worry about her. - Don't be so stubborn, Max.

- I'm not being stubborn. - Yes! -No!

- No, only when you don't get your way. - Can I borrow 100,000 from you?

- Not from me. I'm just a farmer. - Line, your father is here!

I'm leaving. But I calmed them down.

You shouldn't scold the old fogies. They agreed to let you to raise the 100,000.

- How about a little coffee? - No, thanks.

It's said that too much coffee kills one's sex drive.

- You only think about school! - I'd like to, Line, if I just could...

- Do you want some coffee? - No, too much coffee kills...

Can we go for a walk, instead?

We can try... Do you remember the tree stump in the enchanted forest, the one with the moss?

We didn't have any problem there.

- No, I can't... - The old oak is still standing over there.

After all the trouble climbing up here...

No, Line! The cold water, you know...

Come on, Max, We can try anyway!

- No, Line... - What is this all about?

I...

Dr. Petersen...

What?

Without my underwear?

Is that really necessary, Dr. Petersen?

I'm not going to rape you, Mikkelsen. I only have so much time, and ...

... it will amuse me.

- Is there something wrong? - Yes.

Is there anyone who can help?

Yes... a watchmaker!

- Is this the member in question? - Yes.

It looks okay.

How long has it been since it was functioning?

A week or so...

Well, little things have their uses, too.

You can get dressed now. I've seen enough.

Nothing wrong with the equipment. It's probably just nerves.

There's nothing wrong with my nervous system. That's fine in every respect.

Oh yeah? Are you forgetting that little business about it not that working so well?

- Or rather, not all. - Yes.

When did you last see your wife naked?

- What does that have to do with it? - Headmaster Mikkelsen ...

... which do you think is more erotically arousing: a stark naked woman, ...

... or one who is clothed?

- Don't get personal, now ... - I don't know.

Then I'd like to show you something interesting.

- You've probably seen striptease before? - Yes.

This is a little different.

- Now you see why I asked? - Yes.

- Aren't you going to dance, Erik? - I'm excused from physical exercise - my leg.

- Excused? Your sister's the Headmaster's wife! - I don't hold discussions at that level.

- When we have girls here, you'll be healthy! - If we get them! They're expensive - 100,000!

For 100 years the Mazurka has been a tradition here. It's a beautiful dance, ...

... a chivalric dance, a tribute to women.

Mazurka... they need to learn how to raise 100,000 in a hurry.

Barneweller! The record player!

I just noticed... it needed winding.

Yes, come in!

The Headmaster asked me to stop by ...

He's not at home. He just wanted you to take his...

Take his...

... his botany class tomorrow.

His... in 2B, yes!

- I'm home! - It's just me, Headmaster. I...

Your wife asked me to take your ...

... your wife ... lying in bed ...

... as you can see.

2B... tomorrow.

Botany.

You're back already?

What did the doctor say?

That you're to get dressed.

What?

- It goes like that. - That's right!

Headmaster?

- Does Barneweller have something to say? - For every problem there's a solution.

- For every mathematical problem, yes. - No, we meant the Headmaster's problem.

My problem?

- What do you know about it? - We think you're going about it the wrong way.

- Isn't that a little personal? - We have a particular interest in the matter.

- What interest is that? - If the school is going to be co-educational.

- Girls in the school! - We have room for them!

- We've done the calculations. - No... girls? You know what that will cost?

- Yes, we've considered the economics. - We can come up with the money!

- With jobs over the summer break. - Bring out the model!

What have you cooked up now?

Do you know what this would cost? Although, I suppose you do.

What's 100,000 these days?

- Very handsome, I must say. - The girls will stay in the pensioners' wing.

And here is the key...

"Hotel Mazurka"? What does this mean?

- People are wild about staying at a castle. - Advertise it as "A Chateau guesthouse"...

-... "in a beautiful setting." People will pour in! - Leaving cash when they check out!

- We'll manage it ourselves. - We have many more ideas.

No, it just won't do.

Well done, boys, but it really won't do.

- Carry these bags to room 112, please. - No, I'm excused from physical exercise.

This was your idea!

32,500...

That puts us approximately here...

- It's... - No, it's not.

No, not at all.

- Someone has certainly shot a lot of parrots. - Not parrots, Herbert. Deer!

- Shouldn't the beds be pushed together? - A space between them can also be nice.

A space between...!

- No, I'm in a hurry! - Okay, I'll be quick!

Someone's coming!

- I hope the room is suitable, Director. - As long as it suits the Director's wife.

- The Director's wife? - That's you, darling!

- I was just smoothing down the bed for you. - Thank you, we don't want to be disturbed now.

Goodbye...

DOING HOMEWORK

Søren and Erik, clean the large room in the east tower. We don't have enough double beds.

Then bring up the large poster bed from the basement.

- That old thing? From Christian IV's time? - Do it! We'll say that he slept in it, ...

... and charge an extra 20 kronor!

- Have you been down in the basement before? - No.

Is it true that the place is haunted?

Haunted... ?

I'm crazy about ghosts. It was in the ad.

Who writes these ads?

You have to hand it to them... they were right. I take my hat off to the young people.

The boys must be totally girl-crazy!

- Sodom and Gomorrah... - That's enough, Hansen.

- That Mikkelmax is a good man. - You should call him Headmaster Mikkelsen.

Later, when you're an old man in the schoolyard like me, you can call him "Mikkelmax".

Here's the bed. It's too heavy. We'll take another.

How did you get such a young headmaster?

- It was the former headmaster's wife. - That doesn't make any sense!

- There's the one we want. The narrow one. - Come on, tell me what happened.

He was an ordinary teacher. We liked him, we trusted him.

Unfortunately, he had to be married, for moral reasons.

We found a bride for him, but he ran off, just like that!

At the annual ball, Headmaster Bostedt's wife dragged him off to bed with her!

Maybe the Mazurka went to their heads!

The next day Mikkelmax was deemed qualified, appointed Headmaster, and married my sister.

- The Head Witch is here! - Who? Mrs. Bostedt?

- Did the old headmaster ever find out? - He was oblivious.

That year he became Minister of Culture.

- Welcome to Krubbesögård. - Or the Hotel Mazurka?

Good afternoon, Mr. Burneweller. Do you have room for an old Headmaster's wife?

Madam Minister of Culture, you look younger and more beautiful than ever.

Your usual flattery, "De Fontenay".

- Here's Hansen ... - Mr. Hansen!

- Good day. - Good day, Mr. Hansen.

And here's my dear, unfortunate successor. Good day.

How is your husband? Hearty and happy, I hope?

Yes, thank you.

Being Headmaster here can be a little stressful ...

- Good day, Mrs. Bostedt. - Good day, Headmaster Mikkelsen.

- Did I frighten you? - It's been a long time since we ...

... since I had the pleasure...

Criminals always return to the scene of the crime!

How is Headmaster Bostedt ... Minister of Culture?

He's preparing himself. He's always preparing himself.

- But he's hearty and happy? - Hearty? Of course, he's always hearty.

Bertha calling winch operator...

Niller, give me a hand here!

Help!

Get me down!

Get me down, please!

Help! Help!

- I'll get you down right away! - There's no rush.

- Shouldn't you have brought the whole squad? - Yeah...

- Why do you think she's here? - Mrs Bostedt? How should I know?

- This is our chance! Go after her. - What do you mean?

You should be especially nice to her.

- Why should I do that? - Not just friendly, but very friendly...

Who else is staying here?

No one I know, it would seem.

- It's still a long way, Headmaster Mikkelsen. - Yes, but we're nearly halfway there.

Given the short time remaining, there's a good chance you will fail.

Max Mikkelsen usually gets what he wants.

Yes... so we're opening an antique shop.

The School Board has agreed to let us sell the old stuff in the basement.

- Copenhageners love that old junk. - I thought it would be kind of ...

- ... of Mrs. Bostedt, if you wouldn't mind. - I'd be happy to.

Why, we've found lots of interesting odd things.

For example ... A chamber pot.

- The necessary jug! - When? Now?

- Sorry... I get it. - Madam has an eye for quality.

Much stems from the time when Otto Krabbe-Krabbesø lived here.

This is one of the more intriguing...

Something from an old stove...?

Or a rubber corset, perhaps?

- No, it's a chastity belt. - A chastity belt?

When knights went off to war, they often feared their wives would be unfaithful.

So they put one of those on, and were confident that she was unavailable ... locked.

It's a horrible object. Remove your finger, Hansen!

- I can't, it hurts, - It's the little one, you have nine others.

It's odd that something like that became unfashionable. It would still be useful today.

Today's women are hot to jump in the sack.

- Excuse me, Mrs. Bosted! - That's alright...

Grains of Paradise, Field Bindweed, Castoreum...

- We're in a hurry. What do you have there? - "Cyprianus," what is it?

Cyprianus is a book of witchcraft. "Atus, Satus..."

- It sounds scary. - They're spells. Are you superstitious?

- No! - Recipes for potions and the like.

It isn't make believe. It's been proven that they stil work to this day!

Here we have the ingredients!

Angelica root... Asafetida resin...

Erik, shouldn't we be going upstairs? They'll be missing us by now.

- The guests will ready for their mazurka lesson. - Are you afraid?

- Not me! - Listen...

Love potion: Mix wall paste, wine grapes, and teriaca ...

... in a glass of milk containing a crushed human tooth.

- It sounds delicious! - We're looking for something else...

Here's a better one! To get the glow of love and joy ...

- The glow of love? - Sexual arousal.

- A little powdered Asafetida resin, ... - Shit?

... St. John's Wort and dwarf nettle, ...

... whisked together the whites of bird eggs, ...

... and a bit of tender sea holly while chanting: "Asus, satus, ...

- "... cussitus, cussatus." - That's sounds exciting.

Of course! Why don't we provide everyone with the glow of love? "Everything for the guests!"

Hi there...

I'll show Mrs. Bostedt to her room.

Line!

Fabian!

- It's your old Fabian! Are you still single? - No, I'm an old married housewife!

- I can take care of myself. - Thank you, Mrs. Bostedt.

- So good to see you! - Good day.

Mix Makkelsen.

This is Fabian.

You betrayed our old ideals, then.

That's Fabian. We were war comrades in my revolutionary past.

The ad read: "Chateau guesthouse for broad-minded people." Just my style ...

Do you have a room with a view toward the inner courtyard?

Yes, room 24.

I'll get out of my driving gear, so we can have a couple of broad-minded drinks later!

I'm looking forward to it. Jytte, show Mr. Fabian to room 24.

No...

- Hello, do you have a room? - Unfortunately, we only have single rooms left.

- But we're just married... newlyweds! - What a shame!

It isn't because you're not married... guests trying to arrange something.

Alright! Then we have something after all.

- Come on, let's go upstairs. - Already?

Jens, show the young couple up to room 18.

Congratulations!

I'm allergic to rice!

Oh... sorry!

- Hans, go ahead. I have to make a call. - Do you have to?

Yes... to mama.

Mazurka is a tradition here at Krabbesögård.

A beautiful dance, a chivalric dance, a tribute to the woman.

The Minister may have sent his wife as a secret observer.

- Otherwise, why did she arrive unannounced? - She put in a call to Copenhagen.

- What did I say? - What did you say, Hansen?

I wash my hands of this. I do. Sodom and Gomorrah.

We can take advantage of Mikkelsen's threat to leave if he doesn't get the money.

There are other possible Headmasters here.

Thank you! Next couples on the floor!

Everyone should have the chance to participate. Remember to pay at the front desk.

- I had no idea that you could mazurku. - I can do anything you want.

You were quite right, Max Mikkelsen. It was a long time ago.

Professor Holst!

On behalf of the School Board, we thank you for your efforts.

It's an honor to help see that the Krubbesös' traditions are maintained.

Some of us believe that your talents should be used in a more important post.

- Are you happy? - With Max? Yes, of course.

It's not very apparent.

But I am happy.

I'm glad.

- Manufacturer Rust... - Wholesale sausage!

- Nürnberg. - Toys!

- Shall we dance? - What? I suppose so...

Look, your husband is dancing with the Culture Minister's wife.

- Do you know Mrs. Bostedt? - Not very well... not at all!

Just from the media. I'm not at all interested in politics.

- Why don't we go to our room now? - There's no hurry!

No, of course not.

- Can you bring me some coffee? - Yeah, sure... if there's any left.

It's the least you can do for one who's the life of the party here!

- Let's we make sure we've left nothing out. - The words... in the formula.

Atus, Satus, Fissetus...

- Cusse! - Cusse?

Atus, Satus, Cussetus ,,,

- Isn't it dangerous? - Rubbish!

What should we put it in? The salt shakers!

What on earth are you guys up to?

- It's just a little salt... - For an egg... yes.

For an ostrich egg? I have enough to do without cleaning up after you.

By the way, have you seen how the Headmaster's wife has been acting around that Fabian?

I bet she wants to...

- Is that for you, Jytte? - No, it's for "Doormat", who's playing the king.

But I think I'll have a cup myself. He'll have to wait, ...

... until it's all over.

- Take him half a cup. - It's all he deserves.

The pig...

- Won't you have some, too? - It's too strong. We don't drink coffee.

- What are you standing there staring at? - You're a cute little coffee maker.

Get out of here!

No, take it to the "Doormat". It's for the "Doormat"!

Thank you for coming out tonight. We'll continue tomorrow.

Don't forget to report your time, and make payment at the reception desk.

We've done better at the Mazurka, Max. Forgive me for saying it.

You're right. I wasn't very good this evening.

Thank you for tonight, Mrs. Bostedt. I hope I didn't spoil it for you.

You know what I feel like doing?

Taking a walk around the lake. In the moonlight. Have you seen the school ...

... when it's reflected in the lake? - Yes, it is quite beautiful.

- Damn! They've closed the kitchen! - Don't you think about anything other than food?

All that hopping around made me hungry.

Oh, my scarf...

- Are you finished already, Professor Holst? - Fortunately, yes.

"Some of us believe that your talents ...

"... should be used in a more important post."

You're... so good at mazurka, Professor Holst!

What did say you, little girl? I take it you're interested...

I really want to...

- Right now. - What do you know...

Call me Hugo.

I'm in room 13. Just... come on!

- Stop, Fabian. You're not being very nice. - That's just what I'm trying to be.

Line, we're two old war comrades ...

No... now you can find someone else to go to war with. Good night!

- Uncontrollable mirth. - 3:22 ...

3:23 ... Mild cramps.

After 4:06 ...

-... strong erotic sensations. - Groping!

- 4:15 ... - It's getting filthy!

Leave them be. At...

- ... six on the dot. - At six on the dot... we backed out.

- Isn't it beautiful? - Yeah...

Max! What were you thinking?

Yes... it's just that ... You look so beautiful.

- I guess I'm a little woozy tonight. - What about Fabian?

Fabian? Do you know him?

Yes... No, not exactly...

Just from magazines at the hairdresser. He's a real playboy, ...

... and philanderer. If one can believe what you read.

- I think ... - What do you think?

- That I need to get in there and check on things. - Hurry up then, I'll stay here.

Yes, mama... Yes, mama...

Torben!

Torben!

- Have you seen my wife? - 3,462... plus the dance lessons ...

Go back to sleep, Torben.

Yes, mama... Of course, mama...,

Yes, mama.

No, mama.

No, mama.

No, mama.

Torben! Who just left?

- Wake up, Torben! You should be in bed. - What do you want?

- Do you know who just left? - Left?

Yes, left! Oh, go to bed. I'll close up.

Yes, Reception.

Max? Where did you go? I miss you.

No... How long will you be there?

Well then, I'll just lie down ...

... alone. Good night.

Rise and shine! Brush your teeth, make the beds!

Rise and shine! Brush your teeth, make the beds!

Yes, I'll be right there!

And for Professor Holst...

- Five eggs for the "Doormat"? - Professor Holst, if you please!

- He needs no salt! - No. 18 and No. 6, please.

- Should I put salt in here? - Who takes salt in their coffee?

- How do we know who is whose? - There's a difference between men and women.

Good morning!

What a lovely day! The roster for the morning ride.

And so we mount up...

- Is everyone stoned? - Erik says it's too much salt.

Walk behind me through the green forest, in a line. Come on!

Let's forget about the sugar bowl. We'll soon see if it's the right stuff.

Good morning, ma'am,

How did we sleep?

- Please... - Breakfast in bed. How lovely.

Eggs... and salt.

Anything else I can do for madam?

Enjoy...

Was it enough? Was the witch powder in the shaker?

Take this. We'll give her five minutes. Then you go in with the sugar bowl.

- Come and eat now, honey. - Yes, thanks, I just need to...

No thanks. I'm not hungry.

You're always hungry in the morning. Who are you writing to?

The Minister. Our last chance. I have to let him know we won't have enough.

- Didn't you get anywhere with Mrs. Bostedt? - With Mrs. Bostedt? What do you mean?

Wasn't that why you were rubbing up against her all evening?

So what about you and that... Fabian?

Max! I actually think you're jealous.

Don't bother me now, Line.

- We forgot the sugar. - That's so sweet... thanks.

I love putting something hard in my mouth. You want some?

- What beautiful teeth you have. - I lost a ...

It isn't noticeable.

Why... it isn't even noticeable that you're just a schoolboy.

- I'm in the highest... - My... what big muscles you have!

Take off your jacket.

I'll help you.

- No, Director, no! - Would the Director care for some coffee?

- Yes, thank you. - Coffee first!

How your heart is beating, my lovely boy. Feel mine...

- I can't feel anything. - Then try here.

Such soft, warm hands!

- Won't you be happy when you get girls here? - I don't know.

You can have all the girls you want. What's your name?

- Søren. - Søren?

You're really a naughty boy, Søren.

- I know what you're after. - I wasn't after anything!

The same thing all men want!

- Be gentle... you're so experienced! - Someone might come in!

Then be quick! Take me, big boy!

- The riding lesson is at 10:00. - Ride me, ride me!

No, not my underwear. It was never in the ad!

Four minutes and he's already been sacrificed on the altar of science.

You're sitting on my pee stick!

Do you have to finish that stupid letter right now?

Yes, you're right. You're absolutely right!

Yes!

I have to go and talk to the Minister.

Man to man, eye to eye ...

Men can be very strange.

Yes, very strange, indeed. But perhaps they are necessary?

- At certain times, of course. - Right. At certain times.

It doesn't really matter which one you choose.

Most believe they're dynamite.

Yes, with their little package...

While women lack for nothing...

Oh, thank you. Thank you, sir...

- Fabian? - Yes?

Would you like to ... see my stamp collection?

I'd love to!

Please, Fabian, can't you stop this? It isn't that I ...

Why should I? You're beautiful, Line.

You know, I'm probably what's called a "neglected wife."

Neglected wives are my specialty.

- No! Not in my own bed! - That's what it's here for!

I saw your husband leave. When will he be back?

Now, I think... Yes, now!

You stand there and look for him, while Uncle Fabian does his thing...

Fabian! You pig!

What is culture? And what is our cultural policy, some might ask.

- I owe you the answer to that. - That's right!

The honorable Member knows very well what our cultural policy stands for.

We aren't here to debate culture.

We, for our part, are of the opinion that the most noble cultural works ...

... come to us from the people. They come down from the common people.

The wanderer Storm Petersen once quipped ... if Mr. President will allow ...

"Androcles, what is culture?" You'd get this answer: "Something to polish the furniture with."

Not least is the culture where a young headmaster and his dedicated students make ...

... a selfless effort to create a co-educational school, striking a blow for women's education!

I agree!

This is the kind... The kind of impact ...

... that we, for our part, would like to support.

What do you think?

I definitely...

- "Father Playing the Violin" - And I definitely think ...

... I don't like it. Sorry.

- 50,000! - 50,000?

Per piece.

- I could build two girls' classrooms with that! - Now, have a little patience... Max.

You have my support, my moral support, for your girls' program.

"Something to polish furniture with..." Did you hear that?

He compared culture to furniture polish!

- Did you understood it? - Yes...

- When do you think the case will be decided? - It requires preparation. Like everything.

- And how's my wife been doing? - Yes... Mrs. Bostedt has been very well.

- I think she's really enjoyed herself. - Turn the key.

- The key? - There, lock the door!

Sometimes one needs to relax. Culture can be exhausting.

You can easily become stressed out by new things.

Isn't that true, Max? How's your wife doing at my old school?

Excellent, thank you. Within reason ...

- Yes? - Minister, your car is ready.

- Where am I going now? - A sculpture unveiling, at People's Place.

Now I remember it! Thanks. It's like this every single day.

Well, duty calls. Come along, Max, we'll have lunch ...

... and discuss your problem. - Gladly, if I won't be a nuisance.

The sculptor is talented. He gets government grants. We've provided for all his wives, ...

... and his many offspring for years and years. What a talent!

Modern art, especially sculpture, ...

... is an answer that speaks for itself.

The exquisite, sublime artwork. It speaks to us ...

... even before it is born, while it is still concealed within its mother's womb.

She still a virgin. It is unconcerned, yet it... speaks to us.

The artist's task today is to remain silent and eliminate the sublimation of works of art!

People must not impose on others' perceptions. They must judge it for themselves ...

Yes, exactly. And with those few well-chosen words ...

... I have the pleasure to unveil the sculpture which the artist has entitled:

... "Kiss my..."?

"Kiss my..."!

- Mama, there's nothing there. - Be quiet! Just applaud!

I'm often a grass widower. In my position there's no time for a wife.

I can't blame her if she's a little restless.

- You can't understand such things at your age. - Yes, I certainly can, Mr. Bostedt.

Unfortunately...

You can? Yes, you can. That's encouraging.

It is unfortunate that you can. However, Max ...

... I know a place where I'm not known. There is a solution to your problem.

You need some preparation!

What about this kind of preparation, Max? Does it provide a little stimulation?

- Stimulation? - Yes, some new inspiration.

External stimulation.

- No, I'd rather eat at home. - What? Yes... of course.

But, you can still get an appetite by looking.

Hello, Minister!

- Call me "Holgersen." I'm incognito. - Looking for a little culture tonight?

I'm afraid I like girls.

But you can buy me a beer.

I never thought Max was like that!

Line ...

Are you asleep?

What are you doing with that?

What were you doing with it? Why were you sleeping with this in your hand?

Where have you been? It's already light outside.

In Copenhagen, we went out to eat, ...

... the Minister and I. I couldn't get away from him.

I think he's very lonely.

Then what do you think I am?

- Stolen? - Not sold. We could have got 3,000 for it.

- The matter must be cleared up. - What's happened?

- The chastity belt is gone... stolen. - Logic says it must have been a woman.

- At least it wasn't me. - No, that's out of the question. I know.

Hugo, I brought you a little breakfast and some eggs.

I will personally get to the bottom of this! Thank you, ...

... my sweet girl.

Is that you, little brother?

- Why were you chasing the peacock? - I was... looking for some eggs.

- What are you looking for? - A little key that I... I dropped.

- Inside the bushes here? - Eggs, you said. What are you doing with eggs?

They're for an invention.

- What are you working on now? - Can you keep a secret?

- Do you think they use sea salt here? - Salt as salt, just use a little more!

... awaiting full payment from you within three days. Yours sincerely...

And to Basse & Ralf, in response to your offer of ...

- I'm hungry. - Yes, it's good that you remind me.

Mama's coming.

Your mama? On our honeymoon!

- Where are you going? - I'm going to call her!

Everything tastes different here in the country. I think my eggs were fertilized!

- But they become extremely horny from it! - How can you say no to your sister?

I'm sorry, Mrs. Headmaster! I'll be happy to give Max a little salty food.

Thanks.

- What was that noise? - Oh, these old benches crack like that.

You should see the reports I've written about how the powder appears to work.

It is absolutely amazing! I could write a dissertation on it.

Your mother will not be coming!

- Oh yeah? That's wonderful. - What do you mean?

Hans... my man Hans...

Don't use so much salt, Max, You're getting too much salt.

Too much salt? I'm using no more salt than usual.

You won't do well using that much salt. Not right now.

1,500 for this fine thing? That's far too little!

You should ask 2,000 for this. Then you'll make a little more money.

I'll hang it over the bed in remembrance of you.

Have you nothing else you want to sell?

Was that you, dear Professor Holst? Did you want something?

Sorry, I was just out with the Scouts.

Professor Holst, there's a problem in the ironing shed.

Ironing, of course. Excuse me... Good morning,

Max!

Good morning, Mrs. Bostedt.

I'm so glad that you came. Can you please help me get it up there?

It's just too big. I can't handle it by myself.

Oh, the cannon!

- I just bought it. Do you have time? - Of course I have time.

- Are you sure it won't be too much for you? - No, not if it doesn't bother you.

What the hell?

- Why, Mrs. Bostedt! - Oh, Max... do you remember?

- Yes... No! I was going to visit... - Yes, kiss me!

No, Mrs. Bostedt, we can't...

I know what I'm doing. Do it, Max! Do it!

Can I join in?

- What are you doing?! - Help me! Help me! Save me!

We were doing so well.

- What are you doing here? - Stop it, we were just having fun.

I'll take care of you...

I'll tell you one thing. You shouldn't start something you can't finish.

I'll take enough care of Mrs. Bostedt. She and I are old acquaintances.

Have a nice day!

- Good day. - Good day.

- Oh, Fabian, you're too horrible! - Oh, yeah? I'm just the way you like me.

Come here, Fabian!

Hello? Is my husband there?

The Headmaster? He just went upstairs with Mrs. Bostedt.

Yes, it was some time ago.

Headmaster Mikkelsen, a telegram. And your wife just called.

What do you think, Torben?

We have to face the facts. We won't make it.

If only it wasn't back to school tomorrow. One more week and we might have made it.

Is there something wrong?

Yes!!

- How much? 50,000? - Yes!

- Kronor? - Yes!

Hurrah! The girls are coming into port!

And it was our old Culture Minister Bostedt who arranged it!

Long live the Culture Minister!

Line!

We've got a 50,000 contribution! It's fantastic!

Congratulations, Max.

Can you forgive me? I thought you were up there.

It's me, darling! It really is! Come, let's go up and celebrate.

- Yes... No. I can't right now. - But I'm not stressed anymore!

- Not at all! - But I might be...

I can do it, Sweetheart. I'm sure that I can do it now.

Yes, but I can't.

It's the last one. You first...

- Didn't you promise to give him a higher post? - He can't get much higher.

Silence!

Krab... Krab... Krabbesø!

Rektor Primus!

Non plus ult...

... ultra!

New times have come to an old school.

We gather here to usher in a new term.

The first term in the history of the old Krabbesögård scholars' school ...

... in which boys and girls go hand-in-hand, absorbing their lessons ...

... and culture in the fullness ...

... of their equality and intellect.

This day is first and foremost a triumph ...

... for our dear young Headmaster, ...

... who, despite opposition, stood firm, ...

... and stuck something between... between her legs ...

... who didn't turn tail when he might have.

Modesty forbids the Headmaster and his wife from receiving the tribute they deserve.

We that remain, pledge ...

... together with me, to protect our girls... our women.

Man wasn't created to be alone, ...

... as it says in the old scripture.

And that is no less true for women.

A school without girls is like a mop without a bucket, ...

... as it is written ... somewhere.

This old school for boys comes to its inevitable end, ...

.... proud of it's successful history.

We can't live without girls ...

... if we're to enjoy all aspects of life, ...

... not just the cultural ones.

1 minute, 24 seconds.

We profess to be a group, ...

... a community of every sexes, ...

... with a communal pulpet, a bed under our own tables.

Hurry up...!

I appeal to the gentlemen, to your common sense, and to the ladies, ...

... to the ladies, then!

You're getting spanked! Spanked by your daddy.

The ancient poets rode their muses, like Pegasi into a battle to unite the sexes, ...

... in sickness and in health, in sexual intercourse, in mutual accord!

Never forgetting wine, women and song!

It's time to tear down the inequality in our midst, and wake up with one another!

But now... But now, then... !

Sodom and Gomorrah!