Original subtitles

(camera beeps)

(European accent) "Foreign Affairs," slate one, take one.

Man: Oh, great, we're gonna need a translator for the slates.

Woman: Hold it a moment, everybody. Keep rolling.

Man: What are we holding for?

- Woman: Birds. - Man: What birds?

Woman: A flock flew by a moment ago. It looked great.

Man: What makes you think these birds are coming back, Zacherly?

Zacherly: I can feel it in my gut, Logan.

Logan: Cut!

Cut the damn camera!

I've got a feeling in my gut too,

a sinking feeling that we're going to be over budget

on the very first setup.

On the last picture, they were...

like wild dogs.

We didn't come to Greece to go birdwatching, Zacherly.

So if you please, madam director,

would you get your ass in gear

and get the camera rolling, birds or no birds?

(birds squawking)

(pop music playing)

(laughing)

(man vocalizing)

"Yeah, yeah!"

"Wake up with the sun upon our face"

"Breeze is blowing clouds across the sky"

"Troubles disappear without a trace"

"Living on an island"

"Just you and I"

"We don't need a ticket"

"Just take me by the hand"

"Love is gonna lead us"

"To our promised land"

"Adventures in paradise"

"You take me around the world"

"When I close my eyes"

"You got me walking"

"On fire and ice"

"And it sure feels nice"

"We can catch a ride"

"Upon a star"

"Dance away our blues in outer space"

"In your arms, I've found my Shangri-La"

"Heaven's waiting for me in your embrace"

"We don't need directions"

"To tell us where to go"

"Love is gonna lead us"

"To a place we know"

"Adventures"

"In paradise"

"You take me around the world"

"When I close my eyes"

"You got me walking on fire and ice"

"And it sure feels nice"

"Adventures and imagination..."

What the hell?

"Exotic places we can play"

"We're making movies on location"

"The pictures that we dream"

"Carry us away"

"Yeah yeah yeah yeah"

"Yeah yeah!"

"We're making movies on location"

"Pictures that we dream"

"Carry us away"

"Adventures"

"In paradise"

"You take me around the world"

"When I close my eyes"

"You got me walking on fire and ice"

"And it sure feels nice"

(vocalizes)

"Adventures"

"In paradise"

"You take me around the world"

"When I close my eyes"

"You got me walking on fire and ice"

"And it sure feels nice"

"Adventures"

"In paradise"

"You take me around the world"

- "When I close my eyes..." - Logan: Not bad.

- It's ca-ca. - Well, for ca-ca, it's good ca-ca.

Logan, I can see the strings on the tray.

Oh, Zach, you can see them. No one else can. Lights.

It's embarrassing, Logan.

Oh, for Pete's sake, Zach, will you calm down?

No one of average intelligence can see anything.

You didn't notice any strings, did you, snookums?

No, I didn't see anything, Bobo.

Telex from gay Paree.

Brucie, my little creampuff,

about the bathroom set...

a real airplane bathroom is just too tight.

Could you build me a bigger one?

Perhaps with some windows?

Whatever you want, chief. One loo with a view coming up.

(groans)

- Cheese and crackers! - What's the matter?

Logan, don't tell me the money fell through.

No, those idiot actors, they missed the plane.

And the airline refused to permit Scotty's fianc�e

to bring her pussy aboard.

How rude.

- (meows) - Dinner time.

Here you go, Baby Rambo.

Rags, you're not gonna believe this.

- Listen to this stuff. - All right, man, what's next? Hit me.

"As Scotty opens the bathroom door,

a gust of wind whips his hair to and fro."

(imitates wind whipping)

Dude, don't keep me in suspense. What happens next?

Check this out.

"The plane shudders, starts doing barrel rolls

- in a fantastic aerial orgasm." - All right!

That is sick. The women in this script are just tits and ass

with nothing but sex on their minds.

Is that really what you want?

Yes, please.

Well, then you can have it, both of you.

Morgan.

(sighs) Great.

Thanks, pal.

I'm sorry, man. I didn't know she was so sensitive.

She isn't exactly thrilled that our co-stars

are gonna be topless half the time.

Not that I intend to use this movie to entice gorgeous young females

to abuse my overdeveloped body.

- Right. - Where are you going?

To apologize to a gorgeous young female,

who I happen to be engaged to.

Scott, what are you doing?

Morgan, we have to talk.

- About what? - The movie.

Look, I think you're confusing me with the character I play in the film.

I'm not a dumb surfer kid who walked off the beach

with a surfboard and a hard-on.

I know that. It's just that for the past few months

we've been alone and now I have to share you.

- Share me? - (blows nose)

Morgan love, would I have given you this

if I didn't intend on staying true?

You're the only woman I want.

Oh, Scotty,

you make me just wanna throw you down

and jump on your bones.

(moaning) Oh, honey.

- Oh, baby pie. - Scotty: Oh, sweetheart.

Oh yes, Morgan.

(screaming)

Oh my God! Morgan!

Morgan, pull... pull the shirt!

Let go of the shirt, Morgan.

Come on. Come on, just pull. Pull, come on. Morgan.

Coming through. Look out. Where's the beach?

Hey, my things are on your board.

- Is this yours? - Yeah.

- Can you prove it? - Creep.

Hey, dude, she wants my body. I can tell.

- (barking) - Hey!

Rin Tin Tin, off my board.

Sure, look, just pretend it's a big bone, okay?

(speaking Greek)

Drugs? Me?

Come on, jump back.

That dog of yours is a little high-strung. I think he's a doper.

Yeah.

Hey, where are those guys going with that surfboard?

Rags: Hey, back off.

(chainsaw buzzing)

No no, not my surfboard!

No! No!

(screams)

Look, man, there's no drugs in here.

I'm sorry about that, boy. Enjoy.

What's the matter, bud?

You can't be done hassling me. My suitcase is still in one piece.

Come on, man, cool out.

Open it.

- What for? - Come on, open it.

It's obviously unnecessary. Hold on.

You're on a power trip, right? I get it.

Don't mess up my shirts.

What is this?

This is obviously not my suitcase.

(snaps fingers)

Can you believe that?

Drugs in my surfboard?

Yeah, I know. Like you'd have put them in such an obvious place.

Really.

Cut. Print it.

Both: Wrapola.

Need a pickup of the chainsaw, cutie.

Okay, everybody, that's a wrap. Crew bus leaves in half an hour.

- Cast and Cookie comes with me. - Girls: Scotty!

Sign your name here, please.

What has he got that we haven't got?

Looks, charm, hit TV series.

Holy shit! This is real.

- Are you ready to go? - Ready?

Sure, I've got a headache, my shoulder feels separated

- and I'm bored out of my mind. - I guess you're ready to go.

Excuse me, Officers, but that's not real.

It's just a prop for the movie. You understand?

Movie. You understand?

Movie movie.

It's just parsley.

Cookie.

Look at those silly cops.

They think the kids are smoking real pot.

They are. I told Bruce to get the real stuff.

You what?

Doesn't smell anything like grass.

Here, take this back to the prop truck, please.

(blowing whistle)

- Brucie: Cookie! - Huh?

Scott, is that a joint in your hand?

Eww, disgusting! And you promised me you'd given it up.

- Eat it. - Are you out of your mind?

- I don't take drugs. - Morgan, eat it.

(gulps)

Logan: What do you want, lamebrain?

Did you want to get us thrown in the slammer?

What I want is reality on the screen.

Oh, you want reality? You got it, lady.

You're fired!

Before you fire me, Logan, I walk.

No no no no, I fired you before you walked.

Bad news. Trouble in paradise.

Nothing a quick poke won't cure.

Next time your phone rings, it'll be my attorney.

And you'll be hearing from my agent.

Agh! Cookie, come along.

We have script changes.

Montito, I need you presto.

I'm sorry, sir, but there's nothing else I can do.

Look, you can't put all three of us in one room.

That's what your reservation called for.

Take it or leave it.

I feel sick.

(Morgan groaning)

(groans)

Hey, Sean, you sharing your room with anybody?

Not permanently.

How about taking on Rags as a roommate and helping me out?

I wanna get girls in my room, man, not scare 'em away.

(Morgan vomiting)

Well, I think I'll leave you two lovebirds alone for a while.

- Thanks, buddy. - Yep.

Hey, Carlton Ashby. When did you get in?

Hey, son, just flew in after 14 and a half hours

in a seat designed for a chimpanzee.

Well, then come on downstairs and we can toss down

a couple of ice cold beers.

I'm not quite feeling human yet,

and tomorrow's my first day of shooting. I better get a little sleep.

- Good night. - Good night.

- Rags. - Hi, Mrs. Logan. Welcome to Greece.

Thank you. Tell me, have you seen my husband around?

Not recently.

Logan: Who's banging at my door?

Oh, cheese and crackers. Who's banging at...

oh, what a surprise.

If it isn't my little wifey. Kiss kiss.

Darling, just let me straighten up a bit.

Make some room for you, huh?

Cookie: Your wife is here?!

Cookie, you'll get those sheets changed...

I mean, the script sheets changed, right?

Oh, yes, right away. Oh, I'm sorry.

No, that's okay. You need some help?

No, I'm okay.

- Thank you. - Sure.

Oh, work work work work work work work.

Oh, are we a little cranky?

Well, it's been a long trip.

I know. I know. I know.

- I love you. - I love you.

(screams)

(Morgan groans)

This place isn't so bad.

I mean, it may not be the Ritz,

but at least it's clean.

- (meows) - What's wrong with Baby Rambo?

Nothing. Just jet lag.

Oh, God, I feel like refried shit.

Probably that joint you ate.

Getting a buzz yet?

- Oh my God! - Morgan, what is it?

My period is two days late.

Big deal.

I missed a few pills last month.

So?

I'm "PG." I'm prego.

My God, I've been knocked up.

Are you sure this isn't a hysterical reaction from the grass?

Hysterical reaction?

I'm pregnant and you're calling me hysterical?

Our baby is growing inside my womb,

and you accuse me of being an emotional basket case.

I didn't say that.

But you implied it.

Like horseshit.

Like horseshit?

- Come on, baby doll. - No, don't.

I don't deserve this kind of abuse.

What do I have to do, get on my hands and knees?

Maybe.

It feels so good to hold you.

Just the three of us together.

- Do you know what, honey? - What's that?

I think maybe we shouldn't make nooky-nooky for a while.

Why not?

Just to be safe.

You know, we're in the family way.

Darling, isn't it wonderful?

(cat meows)

Another hour in this sun, and my nose will be fried.

Did you bring any nose coat?

Yeah.

Hey, buddy, we gotta face reality here.

If pennies don't start dropping from heaven, we're gonna have to get jobs.

Please, God, anything but that.

Scotty: Whose is this?

Thank you, Jesus. Saved from the minimum wage.

Put it back, man. This isn't ours.

Scotty dude, we're in Europe.

Miracles happen all the time over here.

That's pretty lame, dude. Look, we'll find the rightful owner

and maybe we'll get a cash reward.

Ask and ye shall receive!

(horn blowing)

Everyone on board, please.

Setting sail for another island paradise.

Come on, let's go.

This is school? Things have sure changed since I dropped out.

Gentlemen, I'm Miss Rollins, the chief administrator.

- May I help you? - Yes. Sean Kingsley.

Oh, Mr. Kingsley, thank God you've arrived.

We've been holding the boat for you.

And this must be your private tutor.

That's me. Professor DW Rags...

PhD, MBA, DDS, DDT, LSD and ABC.

Look, Miss Rollins, my name is not Sean. It's Scotty.

- Scotty? - It's his middle name.

Sean Scott Kingsley. He uses it when he travels incognito.

- You understand? - Of course.

The son of a billionaire can't be too careful.

- Son of a... - (ship's horn blows)

Now if you'll excuse me, I'll tell the captain we're ready to cast off.

Rags, we can't do this. This is crazy.

Don't be such a squid, dude. Besides, it's educational.

Hey hey, where you going?

Wait a sec. Hold on! Hold the boat.

Hold on!

You can't leave without me.

Come on, dude, you can make it. Come on!

I'm with the Semester at Sea.

- Come on, man, run. - Hold on.

- Come on, dude, jump. - Hold on.

- Jump! - I'm com... oh!

- I lied. - Come back here, you!

Hey, put that in reverse.

Are you the rich handsome American we were waiting for?

Bingo. Now didn't we meet somewhere before,

like maybe in a past life?

Wow, look what the cat dragged in.

Ashby, Lana?

Hi, Scotty.

What the hell are you guys doing here?

I'm the captain of this crate. We bought it as an investment.

This son of a bitch is a floating tax write-off.

Well, it's sure good to see you, son.

I get hung-over just thinking about old times.

We sure did raise a lot of hell, didn't we?

We don't mind you and Rags being on board,

so long as we come to a little understanding.

Anything you say, chief.

Both: Be on time for class

and do your homework.

(laughs)

I don't know how to swim.

And this is the temple where they worshipped Rhodus,

the lovely nymph and daughter of Poseidon,

built in the third century BC.

According to Pindar, Helios, the god of the sun,

fell in love with the nymph Rhodus on sight

and decided to marry her.

(camera shutter clicks)

Okay, sucker, this time wait for papa.

Oh! Oh! Oh...

(camera shutter clicks)

(whistling)

And over here is the recently restored statue of Rhodus,

the lovely nymph.

Even today, centuries after she was chiseled out of rock,

we're still struck by her incredible beauty.

- Cut. - Zacherly: Cut it.

I can't get it up for this scene.

What's the matter, cupcakes?

The script calls for me to gaze lovingly into her eyes.

How can I? She's headless.

He seems to want a little head, madam director.

Sorry, look, I'm an actor.

I need something to help me fulfill this moment.

How's about 5,000 bucks a week, butt face?

Listen, honeybuns, until we cast the part of Rhodus the nymph,

we can't cast the head.

Hey, Scotty, is this what you need?

Ragos, the nympho.

- Nympho. - Ooh!

Oh, the statue!

Rags.

Oh, no!

(statue shatters)

Well, hello, everybody.

Great Scott, Scott, you're a half an hour late.

Get your keister in here.

It's pretty hard to wake up quickly on your only day off.

I'd think you'd be well rested, sugar buns,

after sleepwalking through all your scenes.

Just following your inspiring direction.

Come on, let's get cracking.

If we don't find our nymph today,

tomorrow we are screwed.

Who are those guys?

Those are our investors. And they're very good people, Scott.

Doctors, lawyers, dentists.

Leches.

- I just love investors. - Yes, I know you do, dear.

Cookie, perhaps you could trot out the first young lady?

Coming right up, Bobo.

Janay Pilates, this is our director

and producer and his wife.

Janay is wearing a bathing suit underneath her dress,

and she wanted to know whether or not you wanted to see her body

before or after the reading.

I think before.

- Sounds professional to me. - Definitely.

Dude, what's wrong?

Morgan's punishing me.

- No nooky. - Why?

When she told me she wasn't pregnant I was so happy

I French kissed the maid.

Thank you, Janay, A+.

Now let's hear your reading.

"Am I really awake?

Let me pinch myself.

If you love me, open those lovely lips

and tell me in your own sweet voice."

(nasally) "Words of love are only words,

therefore, think carefully before you answer me.

Are you really in love with me

or is it just with my body?"

Your body. Next!

"Words of love..."

"...are only words, therefore..."

"...think carefully before you answer me."

(laughs) Shit.

"Are you really in love with me..."

"...or just with my body?"

- "My body." - "My body."

- "My body." - "Body."

- "Body." - "Body."

Logan: How about Monique Monet?

She wasn't so bad.

Zacherly: Wasn't so bad?

She can't even say her name and make it sound real.

That's because it's not.

Can I get you anything else?

Just coffee, my dear.

- Coffee. - Make it three.

Nothing. Just some water.

Please.

Three coffees and one water. Thank you.

Parakalo, my dear.

Oh, I got it. I got it.

We make her a poor little mute girl.

That way she can look great but she doesn't have to say a bloody word.

I suppose the love scenes will be done in sign language.

Yeah, it's just like ordering dinner in a sushi bar.

I mean, he points at everything he wants.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Are you an actress?

No, I'm the waitress.

So are most the actresses I know.

Would you mind reading these lines of dialogue with me?

I told you, I'm not an actress.

- Please. I'll leave you a big tip. - On a glass of water?

Come on.

Okay, but only if you promise to quit bothering me.

All right, look, I'll read this and then I'll cue you.

"If you love me, let me know by opening those lovely lips

and tell me in your own sweet voice."

"Words of love are just words,

therefore, think carefully before you answer me.

Are you really in love with me or just with my body?" Okay?

Okay? That was more than okay. That was really good.

You didn't even tell me your name.

Cleopatra, but I go by Cleo.

So, Cleo, how would you like to be in a movie?

How does it end?

Very happily.

I mean, do I end up taking off my clothes and jumping into bed with you?

That's right. How'd you know?

I've been in that movie. It doesn't end happily.

Hey, I'm serious. We're trying to cast the lead in a film.

You'd be perfect.

You guys, I just read her and she's great.

Try telling that to my stepfather.

Oh, what a fine looking citizen.

Well, my dear, perhaps you'll take off your... read for us?

Please, try to understand.

I don't even go to the movies and I have no desire to be in one.

I'm just a student working to save some money for college.

Now I'm flattered that you asked,

but there's really nothing you can say to change my mind.

How about 150,000 drachmas a week?

(horn blowing)

Perhaps the most outstanding example of the lonic border

is the Erechtheum located in the Acropolis.

At the southern portico of the Erechtheum

is the famed Porch of the Maidens,

known for its six sculpted caryatids.

These female figures dating from the fifth century BC

act as columns supporting an entablature on their heads.

Oh, man, we have a porch of maidens here

and I am erect-ium.

(horn blowing)

Check out that boat.

It's not the boat I'm checking out.

Speaking of checking out...

Hello, up there.

You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.

What's your name?

I have to talk to you.

I'm coming aboard.

Come on now, keep away from the boat.

- I'm gonna shoot! - Stop!

- Get away from the boat! - (gunshots)

Get away from the boat!

- Get him! Get him! - Bring her over here.

Shoot him again. Shoot him again!

Get back!

(folk music playing)

"Playing the demons way down deep inside me"

"Stirring and compromise surrender"

"And I lost another battle"

"Weakness of the flesh has won again..."

Very good.

Hey, Cleo, wait up.

You were really good today.

- Me? - Yeah.

How do you like making movies?

Honestly, it was the most boring day of my life.

All that waiting around with nobody to talk to but actors.

Sorry, princess. I guess actors are beneath someone of your noble birth.

Cookie: Bobo, you don't understand.

Scram. Will you scram? That's all.

And you, Mr. Popapipoles, out out.

I want you out. I will not tolerate this trashy,

sexist behavior on my set.

You are finished.

I have a contract, sir. You can't do this.

You have a contract, do you?

Well, I invoke the morals clause on your contract.

Oh, shit!

The morals clause? What's going on?

Logan caught Mr. Popapipoles

with his hand in the Cookie jar.

Pervert! You're through. Shoo! Shoo! Shoo!

You're history. Shoo!

Logan, you just fired one of my supporting leads

and he has to work again tomorrow.

Replace the degenerate.

One one day's notice? How?

Throw a souvlaki sandwich into any crowd.

Anyone you hit will be a better actor than that turkey.

Logan!

I'll be seeing you later, princess.

Look, Scott, I didn't mean to be a snob.

I'm just feeling uneasy about what we're doing.

If my stepfather hears that we have a nude scene together,

he'll lock me up and come after you with a knife.

Scotty: Why is it every time I see that man he has a weapon in his hand?

Maybe it's a sign.

Thanks for a happy night.

Ciao.

(water running)

(cat meowing)

(shrieks) Scott, what are you trying to do,

give me a heart attack?

I know you've been mad at me, but I did not expect

to find you in war paint.

Are you making fun of my avocado mask?

Me? Make fun of that?

Looks pretty stupid.

Morgie, I was only kidding.

Look, if you wanna know the truth, that guacamole on your face

really turns me on.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Hey, little girl.

I'm Dr. Dan and I make house calls.

Naughty girl, have you been cleaning your ears?

Scotty, don't.

You know what that does to me.

That's why Dr. Dan is doing it.

(moaning)

Guess what.

I ran out of birth control pills.

Are we safe without 'em?

Honey, do we care?

(sighs)

Well, I guess that's your answer, huh?

And I thought you loved me.

Morgan, let's not fight.

We can hold off making love until you get some more pills.

In the meantime, Dr. Dan could use a little physical therapy,

if you know what I mean.

God!

Oh!

Morgan, you don't know what it's like on the set

all day surrounded by these beautiful girls

with beautiful bodies.

Come on, reach out and touch someone. Me.

Oh, I got you.

So while you lie back and daydream

about all those great-looking bodies,

Morgie here does all the dirty work, right?

Come on, Dr. Dan just needs a little relief.

You need relief, honey?

Take two of these and call me in the morning.

I'm taking a bath.

Morgan!

(sighs)

(humming)

Okay, who wants the next rubdown?

Me, Rags, please.

No, me.

Me, Rags. My skin is so dry.

Please, Rags, please do me next.

But, Rags, I was before her.

Babette, honey, I just did you.

You did my back, not my front.

Thank you, Lord.

(instrumental music playing)

Ahh! Ahh!

(snickers)

Ooh!

(screaming)

I'm sorry about the mess, but I had to see you again.

Come away with me. Come to the disco tonight.

Tonight, okay?

The disco tonight!

Murderer! Drown him!

Hey, guys, it's been a long time since I've done any cliffdiving.

Seriously.

I guess practice makes perfect.

(screams)

(cheering, applause)

That was a good rehearsal, my soggy little macaroon.

Now let's shoot it.

Just kidding.

Next setup... the desert insert.

Where the hell is Sean?

Somebody find me Sean!

I think he's off learning his lines.

He doesn't have any lines.

Dig it, babe.

- Ooh! - Whoopsie-doodle.

Hey, princess, what's with the long face?

Nothing. Just that in spite of my better judgment,

I'm beginning to like you.

Well, it's a good thing you don't love me.

You'd probably commit suicide.

I've never had a crush on a playboy before.

Playboy? What makes you think I'm a playboy?

Hey, Scotty, maybe it's 'cause she's heard all the banging and screaming

coming from your dressing room.

I mean, everybody else sure has.

- Set's in travel. - Yeah. Gotta roll.

You don't believe him, do you?

Cut me some slack, will you?

I don't believe everything I hear.

I'm here. Let's shoot this puppy.

Where have you been, Sean? Get out there.

- Hello, Mrs. Logan. - Hello, how are you today?

- Wonderful. - Tell me something.

Has there ever been a time in your life when you haven't been wonderful?

Not so far.

Everybody ready?

Roll, fan.

Camera, action!

(groaning)

Water! Water!

Water!

Real cute, Scott.

Hey hey hey, knock it off, you uncured hams.

- Get your poker out there, Sean. - You want to fight?

Take two coming up.

(laughing)

Sean doesn't have much of a sense of humor.

That's because what you did was not funny.

And I suppose what he did was?

No. Actually you're both behaving like children.

If you think it's impressing me, you couldn't be more wrong.

(screaming)

No! No!

Oh, no!

Cleopatra.

(speaking Greek)

Hey, don't forget you're spoken for, son.

Have you ever been in love with two women at once?

Not in this incarnation.

Hell yes, several times.

I just never let my left ball know what my right ball's doing.

So we're juggling lovelies, are we, Scotty?

I don't know what to do.

Move to Saudi Arabia. It's legal there.

But liquid libations are not.

Well, that would be hell, wouldn't it?

Stuck in a desert with two women and no liquor.

(laughs)

Okay, so the casting dude says,

"I'm sorry, but we're looking for the Robert Redford type."

And I say, "Dude, that's incredible. He's my father.

In fact, that's where I got my blond hair."

I love your hair. It's so spiky.

Do American girls like spiky hair?

Hell yeah. I mean, spiky hair and earrings... serious turn-ons.

- I'll drink to that. - All right!

Hey, baby, two bottles of Dom Perignon

and a funnel right away, huh?

And why don't we plan on getting together later on?

We close at midnight, and I do the dishes.

Would you rather do the dishes or do me?

The dishes. Less grease.

Where the hell do you find these guys, Logan?

They look like a gaggle of pussycats.

I mean, would you really be frightened if this guy kidnapped your wife?

Oh yeah, I'd be frightened for him, poor bastard.

Couple of nights with Lana would drive a guy bananas

or turn him into some other kind of fruit.

I'm serious, dickbrain.

The role of the kidnapper is critical.

We've gotta find someone who looks real.

Real? Oh, you want real?

Well, you're gonna get real.

Could you come over here, please, Dmitri?

(speaks Greek)

Both: Ooh!

Darling, you're not going to believe the bargains I got.

Everything in the whole marketplace was on sale.

And you bought it all.

You know, the thing I just love about shopping here

is the money just doesn't look real.

You can just spend and spend and spend and it's like confetti.

Oh, somewhere here I've got something for you.

The bill.

Here it is, darling. I ran into Sean and he helped me pick it out.

Hi, Sean.

It's one of a kind. What do you think?

Certainly is one of a kind.

Yeah, not many people know how to make them babies.

- Sean helped pick that out? - Mm-hmm.

I'll have to find a unique way of thanking him.

You don't like it, do you?

You hate it. I can tell.

It's beautiful.

- I love it to death. - Let me tell you something, bucko.

You know, it's not easy being stuck over here with nothing to do all day.

I'd go crazy if I couldn't go out and do a little shopping now and then.

Morgan, it's just that you're going through our money

faster than I can make it.

And I suppose my sanity

is only worth $50 a week.

Or maybe $75.

- (men laughing) - Good old Morgan,

just... just lock her up in the hotel room

and throw away her credit cards. Is that it?

Well, I don't have to take that kind of abuse from anybody.

You know, l... I'll wire Daddy for money if I have to.

He knows how delicate and sensitive I am.

Here, take your gold card and shove it up your wallet.

- I'll survive somehow. - Morgan.

Son, I got a feeling she's blown the tires off your credit card.

Next time, better leave home without it.

(dance music playing)

"Music playing in my head"

"And it just won't let me be"

"I got things I want to do instead"

"I got the moves, set them free"

"Flashing in the dark..."

- Hey, wait a minute. - Hold it, blondie. Hold it.

Hey, blondie, you want blood all over that white suit?

Be a good doggie, huh?

"Lighten up our world, so let it shine, let it shine"

"For we are"

"Children of the night"

"Dancing to the beat of a different drum"

"Children of the night..."

Excuse me, sir.

This is $380 American.

No problem. Just put it on my tab and keep it flowing to those guys, okay?

Yes sir, Mr. Kingsley.

(pop music playing)

"Oh, I'm waiting for you"

"I want your love"

"I'm want to hold on tonight..."

(screaming)

Oh God! Oh! Oh!

You know what happened to me last night?

What?

I dreamed we were dancing together just like this.

So in this dream of yours, what happens next?

Next I say, "Hey, let's blow this joint

and watch the sun rise."

I'd love to, but my father would never allow it.

Funny, that's what you said in the dream.

And I said, "Hey, let's just sneak out the back door."

I wish we could.

But my bodyguards watch every move I make.

Well, in my dream, this is where I point out to you

that your two gorillas are blotto over there in the corner.

(laughing)

(giggles)

"I don't care about boy lovers..."

I've never done anything like this before.

I have in my dreams. And believe me, it's worth it.

(giggles)

Hey, you don't happen to know where the Semester at Sea group is, do you?

L... I heard a couple of the guys are in here.

The only guy I want is Sean Kingsley.

That's me, I'm... I'm Sean Kingsley.

(snaps)

Listen, gay boy, 24 bottles of champagne

is 280,000 drachmas without tip.

That's ridiculous.

I don't have that kind of money.

(groans)

Hold it a beat longer...

and cut.

- (beeps) - Very nice.

Next setup! Was that good for you?

- That was fine. - Okay, let's get that camera.

Yoo-hoo, Scotty! Oh, Scotty!

Scotty!

Morgan, didn't expect to see you up so early this morning.

I woke up feeling cheap as hell.

You snuck out of bed like a one-night stand.

You didn't even leave me any breakfast money.

Cafe au lait, mademoiselle?

Thanks.

Whoop!

What are you doing?

Oh, just practicing.

Someday I want to be a director.

Stranger things have happened.

Really? You think so?

Yeah. One or two.

Don't I get any lunch money, Daddy?

Thank you, darling.

A good boy deserves a good kiss.

Morgan, not here, okay?

Who is that girl over there?

You mean you don't know?

That's Scott's fianc�e.

First team, let's go!

On the double before we lose this light.

Let's man the oars, slaves.

You're still angry at me from last night, aren't you?

- No. - Then prove it

and give Morgie back the gold card.

Here, you have it all. Are you satisfied?

I will be as soon as the stores open!

(cackling) Get it?

All right, kiddy-pie, this is where you're kissing

and the two gorillas come after you.

This'll be a master. Ready?

Okay, picking up where we left off.

Just wait until she calls action, okay?

Zacherly: Roll sound!

- Camera! - (beeps)

"Foreign Affairs" shot 150, take one.

Action!

What the? (grunting)

(pop music playing)

"So here I am"

"Falling in love with love again"

"Woman in red"

"Under the stars above again"

"Magic in the air"

"Hearts run free"

"'Cause he's with her and she's with me"

"We're just going through the motions"

"But it doesn't even feel right to me"

"We're not showing our emotions"

"And I'm not where I'm supposed to be"

"I tried finding somebody to take your place"

"I can't hide, I close my eyes"

"And see your face"

"Magic in the air"

"Hearts run free"

"'Cause he's with her and she's with me..."

(camera rattling)

"We're just going through the motions"

"And it doesn't really feel right to me"

"We're not showing our emotions"

"And I'm not where I'm supposed to be"

"I'm in the right place"

"With the wrong love"

"I've got a bad case"

"And you're the only woman"

"I've been dreaming of"

"We're just going through the motions"

"But it doesn't really feel right to me"

"We're not showing our emotions"

"And I'm not where I'm supposed to be."

Come on, more mud, Brucie! More mud!

Zacherly, what is your preoccupation with mud?

May I remind you we are making a motion picture, not a mud pie?

Listen, Logan, this is the big fight scene

where Sean finally catches up with Scotty.

Can't you see the mud is very symbolic?

Oh, of course it's symbolic. It's symbolic of how much money

can be wasted shooting all this Boob McNutt intellectual crap!

Now you get that camera of yours rolling in five minutes

or I'm going to start tearing pages out of your script!

Scooter-pie, find me some inserts to shoot.

Yes, sir... ma'am.

(growls)

- Thank you. - Oh, you're welcome, Mrs. Logan.

What are you thanking me for?

Oh, for blocking my sun. I love sun bathing with no sun.

Oh, glad to be of help.

I should have stayed in pork bellies.

Mr. Logan! Mr. Logan!

Psst psst.

Yes, Dmitri?

For kidnap! Bang bang!

Oh, yes yes, the kidnapper.

And we need him for the first scene tomorrow.

What have you brought me?

Ah, yeah.

Na na na na.

Very good.

Very good... oh!

Oh!

You can do this? (growls)

- (grunts) - (yells, laughs)

Very good. Very good.

As long as the price is right.

Find something for me, sugar cookie?

I think so. We still need an insert of the chainsaw

cutting the surfboard in half.

Pull the chainsaw and surfboard from props.

- Man: Right away, chief. - You wait here.

I'll be right back, you little gingersnapper you.

- Hello. - Hi.

You know, l... I know it's none of my business,

but I think that I should warn you about Sean.

I suppose you're going to tell me that he's a liar and a cheat,

- is that it? - Yeah, how'd you know?

I guess it takes a liar to know a liar.

Hey, Cleo, what are you talking about?

I'm talking about the lies you've been spreading about us,

telling everybody that we slept together.

I never said that.

There are a lot of things you never said.

By the way, congratulations on your engagement.

You two deserve each other.

Cleo. Cleo!

All you have to do is take your gun...

you know gun?

Gun... and aim at that boy over there and abduct him.

Think you can handle that?

(speaking Greek)

Money money.

He'll do whatever you want

if money good enough.

Oh, a tough negotiator, huh?

(chuckles)

(laughing)

Which side of the board did they cut up, love,

the right or the left?

The right. Or was it the left?

Come on, a little better, all right?

Smooth and hard. Good, that's it.

Someone told Cleo I was bragging about sleeping with her.

Now who'd do a thing like that?

Good, perfect. Now wait a moment.

You start. When you bring the left... bam, inside completely.

From the beginning, come on.

Good? More more.

What?! 10% of the gross!

Oh, come on! For the measly little part of the kidnapper?

Outrageous! No!

Deca. 10. 10.

He wants 10%

of what you make off him. Is only fair.

Oh, I see what you mean.

What I make off him. Like merchandising.

Like kidnapper dolls and posters and all that crap.

Oh well, no problem. Why didn't you say so in the first place?

(speaking Greek)

He wants to know why

you want the boy kidnapped.

Why? Oh he's a method actor. Of course.

Because the boy's father is a billionaire.

Billionaire.

He's worth

150 billion drachmas.

So you want to be a director, my little Twinkie?

Make this shot while I go see how the fight scene's coming.

Really? You want me to direct this shot?

Gee, I don't know what to say.

Try saying action.

Just because you couldn't get in her pants

doesn't mean that I won't.

- Cleo's not that stupid. - Yeah?

Just leave your window open tomorrow night, you'll hear us.

(grunting)

I'll hear her slap your ugly face.

(chuckles) Yeah, with the inside of her thighs.

(grunts)

Hey, I told you... distance.

Are you okay?

You son of a bitch!

(screaming)

Hey, what are you doing? Stop it.

Sorry, honeybuns. It just doesn't look real.

(motor sputtering)

(buzzing loudly)

(Cookie screams)

(screaming)

(laughing)

(screaming)

(rock music playing)

(screaming)

Oh, my Cookie! My Cookie!

Cookie!

(shrieks)

(screams)

Cookie! Cookie!

No!

(screaming)

(gasping)

(chuckling)

Whoa!

- Cookie, you okay? - Cut. Print.

(ballad playing)

Ah!

Hey hey, princess.

You look even prettier than I remember you from last summer.

And you look even taller.

Daddy says my pituitary must be wired to the stock market.

Each day we're both hitting new highs.

(laughs)

Carlton Ashby, my wife and two young sons.

Howdy.

Please.

Logan: Beautiful! Cut!

(groans) More drivel.

Mr. Logan!

Mr. Logan!

Mr. Logan, you're wanted on the set.

Ooh, well, you're wanted on my lap.

Oh-ho, how I've missed my milk and cookies.

- (coos) - Cut it out, Mr. Logan.

It's not right.

Oh, but it feels so good.

Face it, Mr. Logan,

it's reality.

God, how I hate reality.

- Boss? - Oh!

Come out. Come out into the light where I can see you.

Yes, not bad, not bad.

A Don Corleone you will never be,

but for a moutro, you'll do.

(both chuckle)

Brucie. I got the kidnapper here.

Get his gun and ammo right away, will ya?

- And make it snappy. - Right away, chief.

Now...

the kids are going to come down the gangplank

and you're going to abduct them right here.

Good good. Now you see the boat over there?

Varka.

Yes, that's the getaway boat.

First time it's ever been done.

Fresh idea, no?

Yes.

Hey, Logan, you're holding up the whole damn company!

Bitch. Piece of cake for a moutro like you.

Break a leg! (chuckles)

Ooh-ooh! Here we are.

A regular.38, quarter loads.

Personally, half loads hurt my ears.

Why didn't you tell me you're already equipped?

And a.45. I see you're a man who likes big pistols.

I know I do.

Ashby: Ain't it great living on a boat?

I find it convenient as hell.

No matter how much beer you drink,

you only gotta go 10 steps in any direction to pee.

(laughs)

You're always hitting the water. Hell, you can't miss.

It's sort of like living in a giant toilet bowl, ain't it?

I'd like to propose a merger, princess,

between two of the richest multinationals on earth...

toi and moi.

Oh, Sean, this is so unexpected.

I don't know what to say.

In the language of love, words are obsolete.

Sean!

(whistle blaring)

Hey, hillbilly Joe,

walk the plank, man.

- (whistle continues) - Hey, out of here, dude.

You two are in violation of the international seamen's code.

International seamen's code? Get real!

Hey, cut it out. Hey, what's this?

It's the proper flotation device.

Float on this! (grunting)

It's for your own safety.

What's that? Kiddie pool?

(muttering) No! No kiddie pool!

If you're gonna visit the kiddie pool, you have to be wearing these.

(grunting)

- A nap? - No!

A nap is no problem.

Hey, Papa, Snagglefarb's sick. He's had too much to drink.

What is it, son? Feeling a might puny?

Hell's bells, boy. Don't hold back, boy.

Go ahead and vomit. Much obliged.

Now, Snagglefarb,

you take your brother right back to the boat, you hear?

Well, that's a young pup for ya. Can't hardly hold their pecker

much less their liquor. (chuckles)

Hey! Stamata.

Hey, not so fast there, sport.

Ah!

Go to varka.

Stop or I'll shoot!

(guests screaming)

No no! No... no, cut!

No no no, cut!

Cut the camera.

Cut!

(screaming)

- They're shooting real bullets! - Bullets?

Come on, buddy, they called cut.

- Turn this tug around. - (speaking Greek)

Hey, buddy, come on, they called cut.

(speaks Greek)

He said to shut up or he'll blow your head off.

With blanks? Ha ha, okay, we laughed, the joke's over.

- (screams) - (water gurgling)

Oh, where's my poor Scotty?

What are they doing to him?

You don't think they're pulling out his fingernails

one by one or...

or burning his feet with cigarettes, do you?

Oh, what if they chop off his ears?

Oh, he'll look so ugly.

How will he keep his sunglasses on?

You seem very very upset.

Why don't I take you up to bed?

I can still see it so clearly...

the flash of the gun, the hurtling of the bullets towards me.

Snap out of it, will you, Zacherly?

You know, sometimes reality is so phony.

The reality is we have one more day to shoot this turkey

and our stars have been shanghaied.

The ransom note just came. They're demanding 50 big ones.

$50,000!

No no no no no no no, not $50,000, Mr. Logan.

$50 million. It says here

$50 million in cash tonight

or we cut off his peepee.

(all groan)

(shouting in Greek)

(whispering) What'd she say?

She's mad at him for bringing home guests without telling her first.

(speaking Greek)

Rich. You, me... rich.

Ha!

Rich.

I know you. TV.

Scott Alan Palmer.

That's me here, right. Right here in the flesh.

Well, Scotty...

how do you like Greece?

It's great. I hope I can come back and visit sometime

if... if I make it out of here alive.

I too am actress.

You're an actress?

Of course, I should have known.

Have I seen your work?

You want to see my work?

Yeah... yeah, sure. Sure.

We'd love to see your work, wouldn't we, Cleo?

Cleo: Yeah, sure.

(speaking Greek)

(sobbing)

(applauding, whistling)

What in the hell was that?

That's "Medea" from Euripides.

Oh.

A woman like me can only take so much.

(man snoring)

I need to be held. I need to be touched like a woman,

not like a cow.

Make love to me now

here on the floor by the fire

or else... or else I'll kill myself

with this little dagger.

Yeah! Yeah, very nice.

Was that more "Medea"?

I think it was Sue Ellen from "Dallas."

Now that I have bared my naked soul to you,

you must give me something I want very badly.

Your autograph.

(sighs)

Getting pretty quiet over there, princess.

Don't call me that, okay?

This whole thing has been nothing but drags.

These shoes are killing me. Ay... ah!

Oh God. I can't go on.

- Come on, up and at 'em. - Oh Scott, I can't.

I can't walk with shoes, I can't walk without them.

I don't know what to do.

- Can you sing? - Sing?

Sure, a little bit. Why?

Just to pass the time.

Come on. One, two, three.

(singing in Spanish)

(squeals, laughs)

(continues singing)

- (cat howling) - (mice squeaking)

Morgan?

Morgie?

Scotty. Dude, you're back.

God, man, it's been a killer night.

We didn't know if we would ever see you again.

It's been quite an evening. Look, I'll tell you about it later.

I'm looking for Morgan. Have you seen her?

- No, man, not since last night. - (giggling)

Who's that hiding in your bed?

Olly olly oxen free!

- All right, guy. - Later.

Well, as I live and breathe.

Hey, Carlton, have you seen Morgan around?

No, son, I can't say that I have.

Mrs. Logan, hi.

So you made it back in one piece.

Well, I guess I could go and try to rouse the old goat

- and tell him the good news. - The old goat?

Logan. Put the lights out last night with a couple of reds

and nature just sort of took its own course.

Just like in the movies.

(Morgan squealing, laughing)

Son, there's a familiar tinkle to that laugh.

(man blowing raspberries)

(gasps)

So, darling, did you miss me while I was gone?

Where am I? Who are you?

How did I get in here?

Scott, I think I must have amnesia.

Somebody must have drugged me or something.

Morgie love, you're in bed with another man.

This is a little awkward. I don't know what to say...

except thank you both.

Scott, what are you doing?

Repossessing my little piece of the rock.

- Scott, no! - By the way,

you guys look great together.

Scotty, wait!

Come back, Scotty!

One last thing... I'm calling the police

and reporting the gold card stolen.

Nighty night.

The gold card?

- (growling) - Stop it!

Beautiful! Cut!

Camera inside for the love scene on the double.

Okay, everybody, that's it. We got a half an hour

till the kiss-kiss push-push scene,

then on to the airport and the great silver bird.

(crew chattering)

You ready for this?

Hardly.

I've never taken off my clothes in public before

much less in front of a camera.

- Now who are those guys? - (cameras clicking)

Hey, Logan. Come here.

Yeah, Scott, what is it?

What are those clowns doing over there?

Clowns? Oh. No no no.

Those are not clowns, Scott.

Those are our dear dear investors.

They just dropped by to watch a little filming,

see their money at work, so to speak.

(chuckles)

Well, kindly give them this message from the actors.

Oh certainly, Scott.

Get the fuck out of here or we're not doing the scene.

Come on, boys. Time for a drink.

But, Mr. Logan, I'm an actor. I belong on the set.

I got something for you.

- Scott, I can't take this. - I can't take it back.

Okay, honeypies,

I know you're both a little nervous, but so am I.

Listen, in this scene, you finally admit to yourself

that you're in love with Scotty the man, no matter what your father

or anybody else has to say about it.

I think I can relate to that.

Good good. Let's go for a take.

"Foreign Affairs," shot 100... eh... doo-doo.

Uh, take one!

(camera clanking)

(groaning)

(shouting, cheering)

Dmitri, more ouzo.

So how's my baby doing?

She's doing great. She's doing her big love scene right now.

What love scene?

The one with Scott. The one where they...

bang like bunnies.

As long as she didn't

have to take off her clothes.

Oh, but she did.

The producer had her stripped in front of all those animals on the crew.

I mean, it was very humiliating.

- Oom-pah! - She was crying.

- Pa pa pa pa! - That's show biz.

(shouting in Greek)

Stamata! Stop them!

Stop! Stop! Stop!

Stamata! Shoot!

Stamata! Shoot that man in the leg!

He's after my daughter!

Stamata! Shoot!

Cut. Print. Last setup outside.

Hurry up. Hurry up. Come on.

We've only got 10 minutes to get this shot.

Zacherly. Zacherly, do you realize the actors have got to catch the plane?

- I know, I know. - I know, I know.

But if Scott misses that plane, he goes into triple golden time.

Oh my God, that's $400 an hour!

Logan, let go of my arm!

(groaning)

- Hey, bud. - Hey, how you doing?

Want me to save you a seat on the plane?

I'm not gonna make it. I got another scene to shoot.

Well, if you don't, I guess I'll catch you back in La-La land.

Cleo, it was great meeting you.

I hope you come to LA sometime.

- Maybe I will sometime. - The sooner the better.

Ooh!

- See ya. - Later.

- Ciao. - And a ciao ciao ciao to you.

- You got it, dude. - All right!

(all laugh)

Ah! What is this, 12,000 drachmas to the government?

Cleo's passport and visa.

What the hell did you do, buy a real passport and real visa?

Don't look at me. Zacherly insisted.

Oh, you stupid swisher. Do you do everything people tell you?

If I told you to punch me in the nose, would you do it?

Hold please.

Your swish is my command.

Oh!

Scott. Scott.

Scott. Oh, Scott.

Oh!

I thought you were going to leave without me.

That's the plan.

Oh... oh I know Morgie's been bad.

But life just swept me off my feet

and galloped away with me.

Oh, but you don't know what happened.

You see, I've been dumped in the dirt.

Oh, Scott, Morgie needs you, honey.

It's too late for that.

Is it too late for Dr. Dan?

Wouldn't Dr. Dan like to make a house call?

(knocking)

Scott and Cleo, get your butts out here!

We're ready to shoot.

Scott, no no no! Please forgive me!

Please, Scott!

At least give me my plane ticket home.

(groaning)

(groans)

(snarling)

Caught in the act, you oversexed

spikey-haired little punk rocker.

What's your problem, Logan? We were just saying goodbye.

Goodbye? Goodbye?

You're massaging her tonsils with your tongue.

You call that goodbye? Oh no, you're fired!

Off! Off my set!

You can't fire me, I'm done working.

Besides, this is not your set.

- This is the airport. - Yeah.

Oh, perfidious slut.

You're history too. Off my set. You're fired.

Myopic little ditsoid.

What did you call her?

I called her a myopic little ditsoid.

You want to make something of it?

Let's just discuss it, Logan, okay?

Okay... oh!

Go, stop her!

(tires screech)

Announcer: All passengers on Olympic flight 300

for New York City should now be aboard.

Okay, cutiepies, this is your dash to freedom.

On action, I want you to start running toward that plane.

Now the gorillas are going to be coming from right behind,

so you're going to have to haul ass.

(shouting in Greek, panting)

(Cookie whistles)

Wait for me!

You can't leave without me!

Stop the plane! Stop!

- Roll sound. - Rolling.

- Camera... action! - (beeps)

(shouting in Greek)

You idiots! Get back here!

You're going to the wrong plane!

(all shouting)

Get back here! We don't have enough time to shoot another...

- Come on. - You made it.

Scott, this is crazy.

- What are we doing? - Eloping.

Excuse me. There seems to be a problem here.

(shouting)

May I see your ticket, please?

Two tickets.

And our two passports.

Everything seems to be in order.

- Logan: Stop them! - (all shouting)

Oh, you're history!

You'll never work in this town again!

You lice! You bums!

You rummies! You bunghole zippers!

Quit whining, Logan. It's just a dumb movie.

- Dumb movie? - Yeah.

Come here. Come here.

- Come here. - (dull thud)

Dumb movie.

(pop music playing)

(whistles)

"Ooh yeah yeah"

"Wake up with the sun upon my face"

"Breezes blowing clouds across the sky"

"Troubles disappear without a trace"

"Living on an island, just you and I"

"We don't need a ticket"

"Just take me by the hand"

"Love is gonna lead us"

"To our promised land"

"Adventures"

"In paradise"

"You take me around the world"

"When I close my eyes"

"You got me walking on fire and ice"

"And it sure feels nice"

"We can catch a ride upon a star"

"Dance away our blues in outer space"

"In your arms I found my Shangri-La"

"Heaven's waiting for me in your embrace"

"We don't need directions"

"To tell us where to go"

"Love is gonna lead us"

"To a place we know"

"Adventures"

"In paradise"

"You take me around the world"

"When I close my eyes"

"You got me walking"

"On fire and ice"

"And it sure feels nice"

"Whoa-oh whoa-oh-oh"

"Adventures"

"In paradise"

"You take me around the world"

"When I close my eyes"

"You got me walking on fire and ice"

"And it sure feels nice"

"Adventures"

"In paradise."