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1
00:00:32,008 --> 00:00:33,764
Hey, lady.
2
00:00:34,224 --> 00:00:35,666
It's been a while.
3
00:00:35,794 --> 00:00:39,079
Oh. Ooh.
4
00:00:43,360 --> 00:00:44,728
- Hi.
- Hey.
5
00:00:44,765 --> 00:00:47,114
- Name's Jean.
- I know who you are.
6
00:00:56,423 --> 00:00:59,325
Holy shit.
7
00:00:59,660 --> 00:01:00,935
Oh.
8
00:01:07,411 --> 00:01:11,187
Norm, honey, I'm a lesbian.
9
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And you're what they call asexual.
10
00:01:16,288 --> 00:01:17,438
Yeah?
11
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Right, so, um...
12
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I want Sam to move in with me.
13
00:01:24,560 --> 00:01:28,629
Well, us, really, because
I don't want you to move out.
14
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We'd like you to live at the house.
15
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That is, if you're willing to accept
16
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that Sam and I are now together.
17
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Yep.
18
00:01:40,796 --> 00:01:42,554
Hey, hey. What's the matter?
19
00:01:42,591 --> 00:01:45,871
Well, all my dreams are coming true.
20
00:01:46,007 --> 00:01:49,201
Oh. Yeah.
21
00:01:51,145 --> 00:01:53,435
I figure I'll put you guys
in the spare room,
22
00:01:53,472 --> 00:01:55,656
and, uh, Norm can sleep
out on the couch.
23
00:01:56,152 --> 00:01:57,669
Uh, he's sleeping with me.
24
00:01:57,706 --> 00:01:59,018
Wow, really?
25
00:01:59,055 --> 00:02:01,719
I had no idea you guys
were such libertines.
26
00:02:01,756 --> 00:02:05,350
No, Sam'll be in with Norm
because of my snoring.
27
00:02:05,484 --> 00:02:07,725
If I've gone this long
without a penis inside me,
28
00:02:07,762 --> 00:02:10,171
I don't think Norm's
is gonna break the streak.
29
00:02:14,603 --> 00:02:17,253
So I'm glad you invited us out.
30
00:02:17,315 --> 00:02:19,772
It gives me an excuse to visit
this part of the country.
31
00:02:19,849 --> 00:02:21,961
I love it here, so I assume you hate it
32
00:02:21,998 --> 00:02:23,256
for some reason.
33
00:02:23,340 --> 00:02:25,674
Yeah, Jean, central Florida
was once nothing
34
00:02:25,723 --> 00:02:28,439
but swamp land, mosquitoes,
and the last remnants
35
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of a decimated Seminole tribe.
36
00:02:30,701 --> 00:02:32,025
Back in the 1920s,
37
00:02:32,086 --> 00:02:35,120
in order to lure tourists
away from the beaches,
38
00:02:35,157 --> 00:02:36,880
the local hucksters began building
39
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a lot of places of low character
40
00:02:38,717 --> 00:02:42,194
like, uh, greyhound dog tracks
and live mermaid shows
41
00:02:42,231 --> 00:02:45,899
and alligator farms,
initiating the rube stampede
42
00:02:45,936 --> 00:02:48,178
to this incubator of butt sweat,
43
00:02:48,215 --> 00:02:50,141
continuing into the turbulent '60s,
44
00:02:50,178 --> 00:02:52,878
all culminating in 1971
45
00:02:52,915 --> 00:02:54,894
when the greatest huckster
of them all...
46
00:02:54,931 --> 00:02:57,647
Mr. Walt Disney... decided to play God
47
00:02:57,684 --> 00:03:00,777
with his... his simulacrum
of G-rated Babylon.
48
00:03:00,965 --> 00:03:04,800
And that is when the millions
upon millions of folks started
49
00:03:04,940 --> 00:03:08,292
flocking to this rancid cum gutter.
50
00:03:08,640 --> 00:03:11,403
We're going to Disney World
on Thursday.
51
00:03:11,440 --> 00:03:13,159
Don't worry.
We didn't get you a ticket.
52
00:03:13,196 --> 00:03:16,372
But I did get you something
for paying for my surgery.
53
00:03:16,506 --> 00:03:19,037
Oh, Jean, you should have,
54
00:03:19,074 --> 00:03:20,371
'cause that shit was
55
00:03:20,408 --> 00:03:22,785
way more expensive than I
thought it was gonna be.
56
00:03:22,822 --> 00:03:25,173
What have you always dreamed of?
57
00:03:25,254 --> 00:03:26,849
Pleasuring myself orally.
58
00:03:26,886 --> 00:03:28,869
No, I'm just gonna cut to the chase.
59
00:03:28,948 --> 00:03:30,643
I have reconnected with Mom.
60
00:03:30,680 --> 00:03:32,623
We're having lunch with her tomorrow.
61
00:03:34,092 --> 00:03:35,168
Our mom?
62
00:03:35,205 --> 00:03:37,892
How, uh... how the hell
did you find her?
63
00:03:37,969 --> 00:03:39,852
I'm getting really good at Facebook.
64
00:03:39,889 --> 00:03:42,073
I finally tracked her down
by putting in her name.
65
00:03:42,391 --> 00:03:44,430
She was so excited to hear from me.
66
00:03:44,467 --> 00:03:46,105
She wants to see both of us.
67
00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:48,124
Jean, Lorraine abandoned
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00:03:48,161 --> 00:03:49,680
the both of us when we were children.
69
00:03:49,717 --> 00:03:51,840
I mean, you sure you wan
to invite somebody like that
70
00:03:51,877 --> 00:03:53,969
back into your life? 'Cause I do not.
71
00:03:54,006 --> 00:03:57,158
If my relationship with Sam
has taught me anything,
72
00:03:57,326 --> 00:04:00,693
it's that you have to take
risks to find happiness.
73
00:04:00,778 --> 00:04:04,181
I mean, sure, it might be
scary, but it's so worth it.
74
00:04:04,337 --> 00:04:06,346
All right, well, I-I'll do it for you.
75
00:04:06,383 --> 00:04:07,933
But definitely not for her.
76
00:04:11,377 --> 00:04:13,903
You know, two years ago
77
00:04:13,940 --> 00:04:15,503
if you'd told me I would be excited
78
00:04:15,540 --> 00:04:19,844
to visit my brother with my
"throuple" and my new vagina...
79
00:04:20,228 --> 00:04:23,380
the most surprising part
would be wanting to see you.
80
00:04:23,497 --> 00:04:25,572
Oh, well, thank you, Jean.
81
00:04:25,733 --> 00:04:28,234
I have a few thoughts of my own
about the current moment.
82
00:04:28,271 --> 00:04:30,251
Yeah, no. Don't know, don't care.
83
00:04:30,288 --> 00:04:31,955
Me and Sam are gonna go have sex.
84
00:04:31,992 --> 00:04:33,677
- Oh.
- Come on, baby.
85
00:04:33,722 --> 00:04:36,087
Time to ride the jelly wagon.
86
00:04:36,561 --> 00:04:38,287
Okay.
87
00:04:40,129 --> 00:04:43,060
I guess I just wasn't cut out
to be a wife...
88
00:04:43,236 --> 00:04:45,453
or a mother.
89
00:04:45,752 --> 00:04:48,202
And your father certainly never
made it easier for me...
90
00:04:48,239 --> 00:04:50,462
But I never
should have left you with him.
91
00:04:50,679 --> 00:04:54,505
I... I'll never, ever
forgive myself for that.
92
00:04:55,184 --> 00:04:58,365
We all make mistakes, Mom.
93
00:04:58,433 --> 00:05:00,418
I know I've made my share.
94
00:05:00,903 --> 00:05:04,155
Jim, you certainly have
your regrets, right?
95
00:05:04,263 --> 00:05:05,653
Oh, my goodness.
96
00:05:05,690 --> 00:05:07,417
I mean, I once blacked out and woke up
97
00:05:07,454 --> 00:05:09,131
dancing at a Steely Dan concert.
98
00:05:09,168 --> 00:05:11,325
No, no, that one...
that one returns to me
99
00:05:11,362 --> 00:05:12,694
in my darkest moments.
100
00:05:12,873 --> 00:05:15,437
Gee, Mom, shouldn't you
be hitting the road?
101
00:05:15,474 --> 00:05:17,639
Very long drive back to Valdosta.
102
00:05:17,788 --> 00:05:20,589
No, I've got me a room
at the Red Roof Inn.
103
00:05:20,738 --> 00:05:23,906
You know where the 92 meets the 570?
104
00:05:24,163 --> 00:05:27,439
- Oh, God, this is hot.
- Oh, here.
105
00:05:27,535 --> 00:05:29,152
Let me help you.
106
00:05:29,544 --> 00:05:31,785
Oh, you sweet girl.
107
00:05:31,949 --> 00:05:33,809
I have got to tinkle.
108
00:05:33,977 --> 00:05:36,710
Another thing that's fun again,
thanks to you.
109
00:05:36,756 --> 00:05:39,046
All my dreams are coming true.
110
00:05:45,732 --> 00:05:47,049
All right, you can cut the shit.
111
00:05:47,086 --> 00:05:48,516
Oh, come on, Jimmy.
112
00:05:48,553 --> 00:05:51,248
Ain't you happy to see
your long-lost mama?
113
00:05:51,294 --> 00:05:52,988
I thought we had an agreement
114
00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:54,728
that you would stay away from Jean.
115
00:05:54,826 --> 00:05:58,267
God, she's about as dull
as a butter knife.
116
00:05:58,334 --> 00:06:00,742
"Tinkle"? Jesus Christ.
117
00:06:00,978 --> 00:06:02,787
Yeah, she doesn't know about us, okay?
118
00:06:02,965 --> 00:06:06,133
God damn it, I'm just... I'm
trying not to screw up anymore.
119
00:06:06,170 --> 00:06:07,965
Oh, well, good luck with that.
120
00:06:08,002 --> 00:06:09,260
- Can I top you off?
- No.
121
00:06:09,297 --> 00:06:11,081
- Hey, I'm sober now.
- Oh.
122
00:06:13,976 --> 00:06:17,009
- Actually been 14 months.
- Oh.
123
00:06:17,128 --> 00:06:19,051
So you think it's gonna last.
124
00:06:19,088 --> 00:06:21,104
Well, that makes it even better.
125
00:06:26,527 --> 00:06:28,202
Can we just get to it, please?
126
00:06:28,239 --> 00:06:30,680
- What's the angle?
- Smart boy.
127
00:06:30,717 --> 00:06:32,125
I need a favor.
128
00:06:32,755 --> 00:06:34,768
Oh, what do the Russians want now?
129
00:06:34,846 --> 00:06:36,371
Oh, I don't work for them anymore.
130
00:06:36,448 --> 00:06:38,581
They have a terrible ageism problem.
131
00:06:38,697 --> 00:06:40,604
Yeah, and you can't exactly call HR
132
00:06:40,641 --> 00:06:42,644
on Sergei the Face Slasher,
133
00:06:42,778 --> 00:06:45,446
which is a weird name for him
because he just shot everyone
134
00:06:45,523 --> 00:06:47,296
and not necessarily in the face.
135
00:06:47,333 --> 00:06:48,405
Don't care.
136
00:06:48,442 --> 00:06:49,756
Yeah, and I may be getting older.
137
00:06:49,793 --> 00:06:51,533
But let's face it.
138
00:06:51,570 --> 00:06:53,236
I'm keeping it tight for my age.
139
00:06:53,281 --> 00:06:55,948
Yeah, when I throw a fuck at someone,
140
00:06:55,985 --> 00:06:57,427
it don't hit the floor.
141
00:06:57,464 --> 00:06:58,669
Jesus, Mom.
142
00:06:58,706 --> 00:07:00,598
I'm working for the Armenians now.
143
00:07:00,724 --> 00:07:03,716
Now, that's a group who has
real respect for their elders.
144
00:07:03,859 --> 00:07:05,926
Must come from surviving the holocaust
145
00:07:05,963 --> 00:07:07,278
'cause the Jews have it, too.
146
00:07:07,315 --> 00:07:08,670
Jesus Chri... You're exhausting.
147
00:07:08,707 --> 00:07:09,764
Do you know that?
148
00:07:09,801 --> 00:07:12,469
Everything is a digression
wrapped in a tangent.
149
00:07:12,808 --> 00:07:14,539
Holy shit. I get that from you.
150
00:07:14,576 --> 00:07:16,302
Here's the play.
151
00:07:16,613 --> 00:07:18,571
With legalized sports betting,
152
00:07:18,648 --> 00:07:20,573
there's a flood
of dumb money coming in,
153
00:07:20,650 --> 00:07:22,834
which will push
the lines all over the place.
154
00:07:22,985 --> 00:07:26,915
A smart person with inside
information can make a killing.
155
00:07:27,013 --> 00:07:29,240
Ma, I'm gonna stop you right
there, okay? 'Cause I'm out.
156
00:07:29,397 --> 00:07:33,151
No, the only thing you can't do
in baseball is bet on baseball.
157
00:07:33,335 --> 00:07:35,778
Hall of Fame is filled
with cheaters and racists
158
00:07:35,815 --> 00:07:37,924
and wife beaters,
but not one human being
159
00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:39,350
who ever gambled on the game.
160
00:07:39,462 --> 00:07:41,053
You don't have to do anything.
161
00:07:41,170 --> 00:07:43,490
Just get your sweet little old
mother into the locker room
162
00:07:43,527 --> 00:07:45,466
so she can ask a few questions.
163
00:07:45,601 --> 00:07:48,425
I've got a kid at MIT
who's running the analytics.
164
00:07:48,515 --> 00:07:50,023
The Armenians are the bank.
165
00:07:50,076 --> 00:07:52,401
You wet your beak. Everybody wins.
166
00:07:52,455 --> 00:07:54,389
No, the money's not the issue, okay?
167
00:07:54,480 --> 00:07:57,014
It's the whole "getting banned
from baseball" aspect
168
00:07:57,051 --> 00:07:58,450
that is slowing my roll here.
169
00:07:58,487 --> 00:08:02,672
Hey, I did you a favor.
I'm calling in my marker.
170
00:08:02,709 --> 00:08:05,117
You know, I think time might
have inflated the magnitude
171
00:08:05,154 --> 00:08:06,309
of this favor in your mind.
172
00:08:06,346 --> 00:08:08,368
Yeah, you got me a job
calling cockfights.
173
00:08:08,405 --> 00:08:10,472
You didn't tell me I'd have
to bury the loser.
174
00:08:10,651 --> 00:08:12,943
'Cause that shit... that takes its...
175
00:08:13,038 --> 00:08:14,368
takes its toll.
176
00:08:14,421 --> 00:08:16,361
Okay, have it your way.
177
00:08:16,924 --> 00:08:18,438
Oh, by the way,
178
00:08:18,559 --> 00:08:20,725
you should be the one
who tells your sister
179
00:08:20,876 --> 00:08:22,894
about the secret relationship
you've had
180
00:08:22,957 --> 00:08:25,366
with the mother she's been
craving all these years,
181
00:08:25,525 --> 00:08:28,342
'cause if I have to do it, I'm
gonna be real mean about it.
182
00:08:28,427 --> 00:08:30,878
Well, you are one vicious
and brutal cun...
183
00:08:30,915 --> 00:08:32,153
fusing menu.
184
00:08:32,190 --> 00:08:33,519
I mean, there's a whole page
185
00:08:33,556 --> 00:08:34,963
of specials in here.
I don't even see it.
186
00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:37,440
So where are we headed to next?
187
00:08:37,727 --> 00:08:41,312
Um, you know, Mom wanted
to see where I work.
188
00:08:41,408 --> 00:08:43,304
So we're gonna do
a little mother-son trip
189
00:08:43,341 --> 00:08:45,042
out to the ball park,
if you don't mind.
190
00:08:45,079 --> 00:08:48,254
Mind? This is what I wanted for you.
191
00:08:48,396 --> 00:08:49,940
I couldn't have pictured
192
00:08:49,977 --> 00:08:51,692
this day going any better.
193
00:08:51,788 --> 00:08:54,408
Me either.
194
00:08:58,740 --> 00:09:00,848
Uh, hey, everybody.
195
00:09:00,950 --> 00:09:02,648
I want to introduce you to my mom...
196
00:09:02,685 --> 00:09:05,186
Mrs. Lorraine Brockmire.
197
00:09:09,995 --> 00:09:12,186
- Mom...
- Well, this is first time
198
00:09:12,223 --> 00:09:15,048
that I've been to a baseball stadium
199
00:09:15,152 --> 00:09:17,433
since Jim's father passed away.
200
00:09:18,901 --> 00:09:21,426
I didn't really care much for the game,
201
00:09:21,463 --> 00:09:23,295
when I was younger.
202
00:09:23,462 --> 00:09:25,606
I had to learn it from Jim Senior
203
00:09:25,625 --> 00:09:27,683
when he was teaching little Jimmy.
204
00:09:27,702 --> 00:09:31,294
I would overhear them playing catch,
205
00:09:31,445 --> 00:09:32,999
you know, every night,
206
00:09:33,036 --> 00:09:36,170
outside my open kitchen window.
207
00:09:36,689 --> 00:09:38,259
It's been...
208
00:09:39,403 --> 00:09:43,290
It's been hard for me
to watch it alone, you know?
209
00:09:43,367 --> 00:09:44,642
I'm so sorry.
210
00:09:44,679 --> 00:09:47,197
Look at me...
just carrying on like this.
211
00:09:47,234 --> 00:09:49,676
- Please forgive me.
- Jesus Christ.
212
00:09:49,713 --> 00:09:51,379
No, hey. It's... It's fine.
213
00:09:51,801 --> 00:09:55,162
Ma'am, it's fine.
I'm uh... I'm Lance...
214
00:09:55,474 --> 00:09:58,193
- Kuchar.
- I know who you are, Kooch.
215
00:09:58,230 --> 00:10:00,325
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
216
00:10:00,362 --> 00:10:03,029
It's so good to meet...
God, what a grip.
217
00:10:03,585 --> 00:10:07,389
Oh, it feels like that's a
blister on your pitching hand.
218
00:10:07,516 --> 00:10:09,909
How often do you get these?
219
00:10:10,363 --> 00:10:12,196
How would you like to meet
the other guys?
220
00:10:12,402 --> 00:10:14,248
More than I can say.
221
00:10:14,324 --> 00:10:16,349
All right, let's see
what I can do here.
222
00:10:16,638 --> 00:10:19,429
Carlos, this is Lorraine, Jim's mom.
223
00:10:22,355 --> 00:10:23,929
She's divorcing me....
224
00:10:25,590 --> 00:10:30,882
Because she found texts from some girl
225
00:10:31,009 --> 00:10:32,915
that I barely even cheated with.
226
00:10:33,257 --> 00:10:35,948
- Oh, you poor thing.
- I can't eat.
227
00:10:35,985 --> 00:10:38,653
I can't sleep. I'm freaking out.
228
00:10:38,865 --> 00:10:41,790
My agent's got me booked
with some therapist next week.
229
00:10:41,827 --> 00:10:44,944
Oh, don't see a therapist.
230
00:10:45,146 --> 00:10:48,228
They put these awful thoughts
in your head.
231
00:10:48,377 --> 00:10:52,572
You stuff this all down. Numb yourself.
232
00:10:52,945 --> 00:10:54,845
They don't drug-test for alcohol.
233
00:10:54,882 --> 00:10:56,203
Okay, Mom.
234
00:10:56,240 --> 00:10:58,574
We... we bothered these nice
gentlemen for long enough.
235
00:10:58,613 --> 00:11:00,682
It's time for us to go.
236
00:11:01,537 --> 00:11:03,350
Thank you, Kooch.
237
00:11:04,114 --> 00:11:05,297
See you, fellas.
238
00:11:05,374 --> 00:11:06,810
Come on, Mom.
239
00:11:06,945 --> 00:11:08,801
Well, my work is done here.
240
00:11:08,838 --> 00:11:10,521
Kooch is ripe for a mental breakdown.
241
00:11:10,558 --> 00:11:13,576
- Shh.
- Well, I have "Incepted" him.
242
00:11:13,779 --> 00:11:16,964
Oh, you would like
that movie, you monster.
243
00:11:17,219 --> 00:11:20,884
So next weekend I'll head up
to Lakeland with you.
244
00:11:20,921 --> 00:11:22,478
Oh, no, no, no, next weekend.
245
00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:24,162
You got what you wanted. Now just...
246
00:11:24,199 --> 00:11:25,698
leave us alone. We're done.
247
00:11:25,735 --> 00:11:28,117
Listen, you don't kill the golden goose
248
00:11:28,154 --> 00:11:30,156
just as it's starting to lay eggs.
249
00:11:30,293 --> 00:11:32,920
You help me out with this,
I'll continue to play
250
00:11:32,957 --> 00:11:35,207
the doting mother to Jean
251
00:11:35,316 --> 00:11:36,894
until she dies...
252
00:11:36,939 --> 00:11:39,259
because she's definitely
going before me.
253
00:11:39,296 --> 00:11:41,037
Have you seen how she eats?
254
00:11:41,171 --> 00:11:43,644
Who orders loaded tots for brunch?
255
00:11:43,856 --> 00:11:45,337
This is extortion.
256
00:11:45,414 --> 00:11:47,281
Nobody's breaking any legs.
257
00:11:47,444 --> 00:11:49,999
It's a little emotional
violence, that's all.
258
00:11:50,064 --> 00:11:51,682
It's family, you know.
259
00:12:01,672 --> 00:12:03,212
Hey.
260
00:12:04,174 --> 00:12:08,194
Boy, you weren't kidding
about her snoring.
261
00:12:08,345 --> 00:12:10,177
- That shit is deafening.
- Hmm.
262
00:12:10,214 --> 00:12:11,622
And evocative.
263
00:12:11,699 --> 00:12:13,745
I always picture a slaughterhouse
264
00:12:13,782 --> 00:12:15,201
for wild animals.
265
00:12:16,737 --> 00:12:19,083
Well, I probably couldn't
have slept much, anyway.
266
00:12:19,473 --> 00:12:21,214
Been a weird day.
267
00:12:21,374 --> 00:12:22,799
I can only imagine.
268
00:12:22,969 --> 00:12:26,446
Must be life-altering to see
your mom after 50 years.
269
00:12:26,483 --> 00:12:27,714
Is it life-altering?
270
00:12:27,751 --> 00:12:29,918
I mean, no, she's basically a stranger.
271
00:12:30,015 --> 00:12:31,705
If she were to disappear tomorrow,
272
00:12:31,742 --> 00:12:33,482
due to a disagreement with, say,
273
00:12:33,519 --> 00:12:34,788
a powerful Armenian man,
274
00:12:34,825 --> 00:12:36,200
who'd really care?
275
00:12:36,359 --> 00:12:39,327
Jean would. That's who.
276
00:12:39,589 --> 00:12:42,664
Look, this is a-a huge deal for her.
277
00:12:43,196 --> 00:12:45,031
You know... The first time
278
00:12:45,068 --> 00:12:46,796
I made her come so hard, she cried...
279
00:12:46,833 --> 00:12:49,109
Whoa, the first time?
280
00:12:49,570 --> 00:12:51,996
That implies this was
a frequent occurrence.
281
00:12:52,238 --> 00:12:54,903
Hey, when you got five
good friends like this,
282
00:12:55,021 --> 00:12:56,126
you betcha.
283
00:12:56,163 --> 00:12:57,514
Okay.
284
00:12:58,241 --> 00:13:00,483
Oh, lesbians are the goddamn best.
285
00:13:00,520 --> 00:13:01,813
Anyway, I'm sorry.
286
00:13:01,850 --> 00:13:03,273
You made her come so hard, she cried.
287
00:13:03,310 --> 00:13:04,509
Please continue.
288
00:13:04,546 --> 00:13:07,402
Yeah, well,
and in that emotional space,
289
00:13:07,870 --> 00:13:09,997
she talked a lot about your mother...
290
00:13:10,148 --> 00:13:13,210
how she'd never gotten
over being abandoned...
291
00:13:13,983 --> 00:13:18,481
that she's always felt broken
and unlovable.
292
00:13:21,004 --> 00:13:23,925
And then Norm and I just held her.
293
00:13:25,316 --> 00:13:26,816
Norm was there?
294
00:13:26,853 --> 00:13:28,904
We sleep in the same room.
295
00:13:28,972 --> 00:13:31,823
Twin beds. He mostly reads.
296
00:13:32,225 --> 00:13:33,545
Well, you're definitely the best thing
297
00:13:33,581 --> 00:13:34,893
that's ever happened to my sister.
298
00:13:34,930 --> 00:13:38,165
Seriously,
I have never seen her so happy.
299
00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:41,902
You know, she told me
that when you're living a lie,
300
00:13:42,148 --> 00:13:44,409
even the happy moments are sad,
301
00:13:44,446 --> 00:13:49,387
because deep down,
you know it's bullshit.
302
00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:54,458
This is the hardest thing
I've ever had to say.
303
00:13:55,521 --> 00:13:58,645
I'm going to Disney World.
304
00:14:01,563 --> 00:14:04,949
It is not hyperbole to say
that that was my Vietnam.
305
00:14:05,296 --> 00:14:08,406
When I close my eyes,
I can still hear the screams.
306
00:14:08,482 --> 00:14:11,530
- Of happy children?
- Yeah, you hear them, too?
307
00:14:11,744 --> 00:14:13,319
I'm still glad you came.
308
00:14:13,356 --> 00:14:15,926
We got our first picture
together in 20 years.
309
00:14:16,065 --> 00:14:18,102
Can't wait to go to Kinko's
and have somebody explain
310
00:14:18,139 --> 00:14:20,666
how to put it on Facebook
so Mom can see it.
311
00:14:21,145 --> 00:14:23,754
Jean, that's kind of why
I wanted to walk with you.
312
00:14:23,970 --> 00:14:27,173
Um, you know how Mom seems like
313
00:14:27,210 --> 00:14:29,046
this sweet little old lady?
314
00:14:29,168 --> 00:14:33,336
Well, in actuality, uh...
315
00:14:33,490 --> 00:14:35,996
Mom was this
cutthroat Mafia foot soldier
316
00:14:36,033 --> 00:14:38,425
who spent most of our lives
working in organized crime.
317
00:14:38,495 --> 00:14:40,771
I don't understand.
318
00:14:40,923 --> 00:14:42,433
Yeah, I should probably back up.
319
00:14:42,470 --> 00:14:45,414
Uh, at one point
in our nation's history,
320
00:14:45,519 --> 00:14:48,163
Kansas City actually had
the most powerful Mafia.
321
00:14:48,264 --> 00:14:51,658
Its geographical isolation
allowed it to consolidate power
322
00:14:51,695 --> 00:14:53,770
and to avoid the infighting
that characterized
323
00:14:53,807 --> 00:14:55,416
the New York and Chicago underworld.
324
00:14:55,453 --> 00:14:56,783
You're pulling my leg. I'm supposed
325
00:14:56,820 --> 00:14:57,991
to believe that our mother...
326
00:14:58,036 --> 00:15:00,735
that sweet little old lady
in the Anne Murray shirt...
327
00:15:00,805 --> 00:15:02,788
is some mobster who killed people?
328
00:15:02,853 --> 00:15:04,355
Well, she wasn't a button man, no.
329
00:15:04,392 --> 00:15:07,031
Now, did she act as a honey pot
to lure unsuspecting me
330
00:15:07,068 --> 00:15:10,034
into secluded locations
to be shot by her coworkers?
331
00:15:10,137 --> 00:15:12,566
- Almost definitely.
- I mean, you're serious?
332
00:15:12,632 --> 00:15:13,907
Yeah, I'm serious.
333
00:15:13,944 --> 00:15:15,640
We haven't seen her since we were kids.
334
00:15:15,677 --> 00:15:17,409
How would you know any of this?
335
00:15:17,485 --> 00:15:19,375
All right, Jean, I'm gonna
tell you something else.
336
00:15:19,412 --> 00:15:21,485
And when I do,
I want you to keep in mind
337
00:15:21,522 --> 00:15:23,189
that we weren't close
for a very long time,
338
00:15:23,226 --> 00:15:24,831
and I'm a much better person now,
339
00:15:24,868 --> 00:15:26,364
who just spent the last seven hours
340
00:15:26,401 --> 00:15:28,309
waiting on very long lines with you
341
00:15:28,346 --> 00:15:31,290
for fake experiences and $12 churros.
342
00:15:31,517 --> 00:15:33,234
How do you know?
343
00:15:33,359 --> 00:15:36,034
Jean, Mom came back into my
life when I was 18 years old.
344
00:15:36,071 --> 00:15:38,429
She offered to pay for my college,
345
00:15:38,561 --> 00:15:40,278
if I kept it from you.
346
00:15:40,574 --> 00:15:41,740
I thought you had
347
00:15:41,797 --> 00:15:43,906
a Division-I broadcast scholarship.
348
00:15:44,300 --> 00:15:46,851
Yeah, that's not a thing
that actually exists, Jean.
349
00:15:46,996 --> 00:15:50,265
So this whole time... you knew her?
350
00:15:50,302 --> 00:15:51,634
You got to have a mother?
351
00:15:51,671 --> 00:15:53,354
Well, now, Jean, I would not say that.
352
00:15:53,420 --> 00:15:55,357
No, there's not
a maternal bone in her body.
353
00:15:55,394 --> 00:15:57,136
Most of the time we met up
at underground casinos
354
00:15:57,173 --> 00:15:58,376
and dog tracks.
355
00:15:58,413 --> 00:16:00,540
Jean, I once saw her shoot a greyhound
356
00:16:00,577 --> 00:16:02,049
as a lesson to the other greyhounds.
357
00:16:02,086 --> 00:16:03,401
Oh, Jean, are you crying?
358
00:16:03,438 --> 00:16:06,093
You wouldn't by any chance just
be having an orgasm, would you?
359
00:16:06,130 --> 00:16:09,593
Jim, why didn't she want to know me?
360
00:16:09,664 --> 00:16:12,173
Oh, you know, who can say?
361
00:16:12,317 --> 00:16:14,133
You, you can say,
362
00:16:14,170 --> 00:16:15,581
because you know everything about her.
363
00:16:15,618 --> 00:16:17,371
You've known everything
about her all along.
364
00:16:17,408 --> 00:16:18,957
This is not a door
you want to knock on.
365
00:16:18,994 --> 00:16:20,678
Open the fucking door!
366
00:16:20,884 --> 00:16:22,175
All right.
367
00:16:22,212 --> 00:16:23,612
Mom doesn't respect you, okay?
368
00:16:23,649 --> 00:16:25,749
When she looks at you,
she sees the daughter
369
00:16:25,786 --> 00:16:27,398
of a man who drove a bread truck.
370
00:16:27,573 --> 00:16:29,880
Look, I should have told you.
I was trying to protect you.
371
00:16:29,917 --> 00:16:32,101
I'm so sorry.
I mean, you're tough as nails.
372
00:16:32,138 --> 00:16:33,718
You do not see the angles, Jean.
373
00:16:33,755 --> 00:16:35,249
Mom would have played you
like a fiddle.
374
00:16:35,286 --> 00:16:37,038
She would have. In fact, she just did.
375
00:16:37,075 --> 00:16:38,975
You were always a terrible brother.
376
00:16:39,116 --> 00:16:40,433
Always thought you were smarter.
377
00:16:40,470 --> 00:16:42,465
Never even pretended to like Norm.
378
00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:44,235
But I always tried to move past it
379
00:16:44,272 --> 00:16:45,840
because you were the only family I had.
380
00:16:45,877 --> 00:16:47,510
But now I know I have no family.
381
00:16:47,690 --> 00:16:49,555
I was raised in a nest of vipers.
382
00:16:49,592 --> 00:16:50,748
Just... here.
383
00:16:50,785 --> 00:16:53,506
You keep that as a memory
of the last time you saw me.
384
00:16:53,906 --> 00:16:56,430
Thanks for saving me
the trip the Kinko's!
385
00:16:56,632 --> 00:16:59,281
Now, Jean, come on.
You don't mean that, Jean.
386
00:16:59,412 --> 00:17:02,011
Jean, look, you can scan this
kind of thing on your phone.
387
00:17:02,048 --> 00:17:04,924
There's literally no reason
to ever set foot in a Kinko's!
388
00:17:05,004 --> 00:17:06,429
Jean?
389
00:17:06,827 --> 00:17:09,152
Did you hear what I said about Kinko's?
390
00:17:24,892 --> 00:17:26,026
Oh, God damn.
391
00:17:26,063 --> 00:17:28,400
You... you turned little Joaquin?
392
00:17:28,437 --> 00:17:29,546
Kid's a player.
393
00:17:29,583 --> 00:17:31,342
He chiseled me out of a percentage.
394
00:17:31,461 --> 00:17:33,235
You look like you could use a drink.
395
00:17:35,061 --> 00:17:37,395
- I told Jean.
- Oh, I know.
396
00:17:37,698 --> 00:17:40,859
She flamed me last night
on my fake Facebook page.
397
00:17:41,011 --> 00:17:43,206
My fake friends were horrified.
398
00:17:43,340 --> 00:17:45,456
Uh, you and me are done, okay?
399
00:17:45,493 --> 00:17:46,839
I mean forever.
400
00:17:46,910 --> 00:17:49,520
So you would throw away
millions of dollars for Jean?
401
00:17:49,557 --> 00:17:52,392
- Yeah.
- Jean doesn't matter.
402
00:17:52,429 --> 00:17:53,762
Nothing matters.
403
00:17:53,799 --> 00:17:55,383
You always say that.
Can I tell you something?
404
00:17:55,420 --> 00:17:57,018
It's real bullshit. You know why?
405
00:17:57,076 --> 00:17:58,501
Everything matters.
406
00:17:58,712 --> 00:18:01,022
It matters that you left us
when we were kids.
407
00:18:01,059 --> 00:18:04,591
It matters that Dad
was an alcoholic piece of shit.
408
00:18:04,713 --> 00:18:07,303
And it matters that Jean tried
to protect me from him.
409
00:18:07,340 --> 00:18:09,881
You just let all this stuff
live in your head, don't you?
410
00:18:09,982 --> 00:18:11,315
No wonder you got the yips.
411
00:18:11,362 --> 00:18:12,888
Oh, not talking about that with you.
412
00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:15,551
I mean, really. Jesus, there
are only nine possible counts.
413
00:18:15,588 --> 00:18:17,428
You think you would have gotten
one of them by accident.
414
00:18:17,464 --> 00:18:19,534
Okay.
415
00:18:19,571 --> 00:18:22,384
You'll be a lot better when
this morality phase is over.
416
00:18:22,421 --> 00:18:24,329
It's not a phase. I'm changing.
417
00:18:24,375 --> 00:18:25,677
Oh, yeah? No, you're not.
418
00:18:25,714 --> 00:18:26,839
- No, I am.
- No, you're not.
419
00:18:26,876 --> 00:18:28,004
- Yes, I am.
- Listen,
420
00:18:28,041 --> 00:18:29,782
I know your dirty little secret, honey.
421
00:18:29,819 --> 00:18:30,927
Oh, what's that?
422
00:18:31,261 --> 00:18:32,969
You like that I picked you,
423
00:18:33,152 --> 00:18:36,152
'cause it meant that you
weren't ordinary like her.
424
00:18:37,094 --> 00:18:38,710
We're special, you and I.
425
00:18:38,747 --> 00:18:42,142
That's why all these idiots
will always be our pawns.
426
00:18:42,675 --> 00:18:46,464
Listen, I was put
on this earth to raise hell.
427
00:18:46,687 --> 00:18:49,428
And that very same blood
is running through your veins.
428
00:18:49,786 --> 00:18:52,608
So why don't you just stop
pretending to be nice?
429
00:18:52,946 --> 00:18:54,837
Enjoy yourself.
430
00:18:55,085 --> 00:18:57,791
And for God sakes, honey,
stay out of the sun.
431
00:18:57,828 --> 00:18:59,437
Your eyes look like two assholes
432
00:18:59,474 --> 00:19:01,427
floating in tomato soup.
433
00:19:15,569 --> 00:19:18,162
Hey, uh, I really need to talk to you.
434
00:19:18,791 --> 00:19:21,067
Oh, boy.
435
00:19:30,563 --> 00:19:32,394
Caught the first flight down.
436
00:19:38,204 --> 00:19:40,328
- Wow.
- Yeah.
437
00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:42,333
I have one question.
438
00:19:42,426 --> 00:19:44,851
Who told you to admit
the truth to Jean?
439
00:19:45,056 --> 00:19:46,169
Nobody. I just did it.
440
00:19:46,206 --> 00:19:47,240
Should I not have?
441
00:19:47,277 --> 00:19:49,184
I mean, I-I just couldn't
stand to see Lorraine
442
00:19:49,221 --> 00:19:51,375
smiling right into her face
and laughing at her
443
00:19:51,412 --> 00:19:53,578
behind her back...
I had to tell Jean, even...
444
00:19:53,624 --> 00:19:56,460
Even if it meant losing her.
445
00:19:57,248 --> 00:19:58,800
Jim...
446
00:19:59,185 --> 00:20:00,684
that's amazing.
447
00:20:00,721 --> 00:20:02,650
I had no idea you were doing this well.
448
00:20:02,837 --> 00:20:04,078
Doing well?
449
00:20:04,115 --> 00:20:05,820
I just lost the only
family I had left...
450
00:20:05,857 --> 00:20:08,356
I mean, apart from Clemenza.
451
00:20:09,555 --> 00:20:12,848
He's my 100-year-old pet tortoise.
452
00:20:14,204 --> 00:20:16,555
You're just gonna keep on
getting weirder and weirder
453
00:20:16,592 --> 00:20:17,932
the older you get, huh?
454
00:20:17,969 --> 00:20:20,153
It is looking that way, yeah.
455
00:20:21,196 --> 00:20:23,905
I mean, this is the first unselfish act
456
00:20:23,942 --> 00:20:25,399
you've done since I've known you.
457
00:20:25,436 --> 00:20:28,773
Yeah, well, so far, becoming
a good person feels a whole lot
458
00:20:28,810 --> 00:20:32,329
like I open wide and the entire
world shits in my mouth.
459
00:20:32,608 --> 00:20:35,108
Yep, that's pretty much it.
460
00:20:35,302 --> 00:20:37,919
This world does not reward kindness.
461
00:20:38,376 --> 00:20:40,727
Then what is the point?
462
00:20:41,910 --> 00:20:43,525
Being a good person is the best way
463
00:20:43,562 --> 00:20:45,083
to attract other good people and,
464
00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:46,771
make sure they stick around.
465
00:20:48,923 --> 00:20:50,509
If you keep going down this path,
466
00:20:50,546 --> 00:20:52,633
your sister will come back...
467
00:20:53,646 --> 00:20:55,157
just like I did.
468
00:20:59,727 --> 00:21:01,735
Thank you, Charles.
469
00:21:03,905 --> 00:21:05,352
And now that I know about your mom,
470
00:21:05,389 --> 00:21:06,981
this whole "Godfather" obsession
471
00:21:07,018 --> 00:21:08,245
makes so much more sense.
472
00:21:08,282 --> 00:21:09,856
No, no, no. I just...
473
00:21:09,893 --> 00:21:12,968
I love those movies 'cause
they're the two best ever made.
474
00:21:13,148 --> 00:21:16,408
And your absent mother
who worked in organized crime
475
00:21:16,445 --> 00:21:17,850
didn't have something to do with it?
476
00:21:17,887 --> 00:21:19,441
Comparing the KC Mob
477
00:21:19,478 --> 00:21:20,791
to the Five Families of New York
478
00:21:20,828 --> 00:21:22,680
just shows your ignorance,
Charles, you know what?
479
00:21:22,717 --> 00:21:24,321
I'm gonna put on part one right now.
480
00:21:24,358 --> 00:21:25,975
I'm gonna talk over it the whole time.
481
00:21:26,012 --> 00:21:28,453
You're gonna see how wrong you are.
482
00:21:30,623 --> 00:21:32,304
Sure thing, Jim.
483
00:21:32,654 --> 00:21:34,344
Sounds great.
484
00:21:34,495 --> 00:21:36,877
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