All language subtitles for Bless This Mess - 01x02 - The Chicken and the Goat.METCON.English.C.orig.Addic7ed.com

- Hi. Hey.
- Ladies.

Mama, things are going great.

Yes, the soil is dead, but
Mike spent the last two weeks

- researching soil revitalization, and...
- The soil is dead?

What do you mean the soil is dead?

The soil on the farm that
you threw away your life for,

that soil is dead?

What are you doing
while he's teaching himself

- how to farm?
- Well, I-I-I'm... I'm unpacking

'cause I got to sift through all
of Aunt Maggie's stuff

- and get it...
- I got an idea.

Start a fire,
take the insurance money...

don't look back!

Arson is almost impossible to prove.

I wish you could see it out here, Mom.
It's so beautiful.

The sky and the fresh air and...

- What was that?!
- It's a goat.

- I'm fine. Yeah.
- A goat? Rio!

Rudy's got a...

...goat that screams like a human man.

Rudy's the homeless man

who's living in your barn?!

If I'm homeless, why is the barn my home?

Ha ha. Got her.

- That's a... good one. It's true.
- Hello?

Um, is there... I see
there's a chicken, also, there?

She's a stray. Theresa likes her.

- I'm sorry... who's Theresa?
- The goat.

Isn't that the name
of your ex-wife or...?

Yes, but it has no significance.

Um, okay, so, there's gonna be
a chicken and a goat...

- Anjelica.
- I'm sorry... who's Anjelica?

The chicken.

She stays. She's Theresa's best friend.

Are you there?

- Oh. Copy that.
- Hey, honey!

Um, Mom, I gotta go, but
I just don't want you to worry,

- because Mike has got this.
- Oh, "Mike's got this."

- Now I'm gonna sleep great...
- Bye.

I found a nickel!

- You what?
- Like Indiana Jones out here,

- just bumping into artifacts...
- What...

...from 2012.

- Oh.
- Still, seven years ain't nothin'.

- Yeah.
- I claim this land.

Farmer boy, you're looking hot!

Hot piece of ass
collecting soil samples.

I-I'm sorry, honey.
I can't hear you. What?

Farmer boy, so hot. You're
a hot piece of ass.

Thank you. Thank you.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

If we plant the clover in
time for the rain,

next year, we can diversify crops.

We could be sitting on a
pretty dope microbial base.

- Whoo! Sounds like we got a plan!
- Yeah!

Houston, we have a plan.

- Problem, right? Hou...
- No.

"Houston, we have a plan."

"Problem"... it's like,
"Houston, we have a problem."

I'm going from the movie,
when Tom Hanks radios down.

He says, "Houston, we have a plan."

You're just gonna have to believe
me on this one, 'cause it's...

Oh, zhush!

Hey, there, buddy. Hey.

Yeah. That's about right.

Okay.

Hi, Aunt Maggie,
you sweet, sweet hoarder.

Ohh!

Turn... away... demon... child... dolls.

Do you want to get lunch?

You know what? I'm fighting the light.

- Okay.
- But do you want some bea...

Oh. It's just the juice.

Okay.

- I'm okay.
- All right.

Hey.

Hey.

Honey, you want to do some sex stuff?

Yeah. M-Maybe.

You know, my soil report just came in

from all the samples I bagged up.

Mm-hmmmmmm.

So just looking... Oh, nitrogen is low.

- Phosphate's low. Oof.
- Ooh.

- pH is low.
- Ohh.

Sweet potash numbers.

- Nice.
- Mm!

What do you say we get dirty

and bag some of your samples?

- Wow, that, um...
- Yeah.

- That didn't sound great.
- Yeah, it went south really quickly.

We're just kind of getting used
to being here, really.

Getting used to extreme loneliness

and desperation for human contact?

- Like a prisoner.
- Stop.

Are you even having meals together?

Actually, you know what?
Come to think of it,

we did share some
peanuts together the other day.

- It was kind of cute.
- And you're not having sex.

I can hear it in your voice.

- A mother always knows...
- Ma!

...when her daughter's not getting any!

Okay, $9.45.

You coming to the potluck today?

Are you gonna invite Mike and Rio?

Oh, should I?

I wouldn't want them
to feel pressured to come

and then actually come.

Your mom invited me to a potluck when
I was new in town.

What if they rob me?

Or, heaven forbid,

they turn all my buckets
upside down and drum on them?

Why would they do that, Kay?

I don't know
what New Yorkers do for fun.

And sorry to say this, but
have you seen her tight tops?

I think she might be promiscuous.

Come on, now.

Mom, just... j... j...
Hold on a second, okay?

- Hey, Constance.
- Hey, Miss Rio.

- Hey, Kay.
- I can't see anything!

- I can't see you!
- Oh.

- Sorry, Mom.
- When was the last time

that you and Mike had intercourse?

No, Mom... Mom! Mom!

- You're on video chat. Shh!
- And I mean real, loving...

- Hi. Just...
- ...emotionally connected intercourse?

Once the sex goes, everything goes...

It's just, uh...

I'll get you a new can of clams, Kent.

Thanks, Connie.

Sorry about that.

Guess you know more about me now.

We're having a potluck today at 4:00.

I'm inviting you.

And that's it.

A-A potluck.

I... We would love to come.

"Potluck" means
you have to bring something.

I know that.

Thank you.

Can I have my bag?

- Bye, now.
- Bye, Miss Kay.

And don't forget to bring something.

When she says "bring something"...

- Food.
- Food. Okay. Cool, cool.

And that means
just sort of buy something

- and put it on...
- You make it.

Yeah, that's what I thought. Okay.

Just, like, a classic potluck situation.

Hon, I can't go to that potluck.

I got to finish digging this
ditch before the rain comes.

I know, but I was just thinking, like,

maybe we could just take a break,

and we could do it how we
did it in New York...

our Saturday date night.

Remember the one time we got so drunk

that we just did it in the bathroom
of that Thai bistro? Whoo!

- Oh. Wow, what a night.
- You know.

Well, you would've thought
my performance would've been affected

by that Thai gal
banging on the bathroom door,

- but one of my better showings.
- Indeed.

- Whoo!
- Whoo!

What is this?
You think this is a poop or a rock?

That's a rock.

No, that's... that's a poop.

- That's poop all the way.
- No, that's not breaking.

- That's a rock.
- Oh, she'll break.

This def a poo.

- I don't know, girl.
- Let me see.

- Ho!
- Hey-o!

Hey! Hello, there, little poop!

- Poop, there it is!
- Welcome to the farm!

- Ohh.
- Oh, that's great.

Ah...

Yeah, we should definitely
get a date night done tonight.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Great!

Mike does most of the cooking,
but I do infuse my own water,

which is kind of great.

It's got cucumber and rosemary.
It's very cleansing...

Missy, if you bring vegetable
water to this potluck,

I will arrest you myself.

- Yeah.
- We're going to make an icebox cake

- with no cooking required.
- That's good.

Hey, neighbor.

Hey, Mike! You remember me? Jacob!

We've been here for two weeks,
Jacob. Uh, I got it.

Hey, I noticed
your tiny electric vehicle's

riding kind of low.

What do you got in there?

It's tiny, but it's big on efficiency.

I, uh, I got some seed back there.

Once I hook up the spreader
to that bad boy,

gonna lay down some
nutrient-rich organic matter.

It's called manure. You don't
have to put a tuxedo on it.

Yeah. Well, then I'm gonna
plant some clover.

- I'm gonna use a no-till method.
- No-till, huh?

Here's a pro-tip... till.

And, you know, they're saying
that tilling is a major force

in topsoil loss.

So what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna plant

and I'm gonna let the rain
sink the seed.

I mean, the science behind it
is really impressive.

It might even interest you
for your fields.

Hmm. For my fields.

Hey, do you mind
if I give you some advice?

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

Why don't you go to school
for agricultural science

and then work a farm for 20 years,

then come back and tell me
how to run my fields. Okay?

You made my dad's face red.

Well... I went to college, too.

Is that so? What'd you study?

Philosophy.

Of music.

Gonna let that sit there.

Hey, about that rain next Tuesday,
it's not gonna happen.

Not gonna rain for a while now.

So looks to me like you are

nutrient-rich-organic-matter
out of luck.

Bye, Mike!

Watch your toes!

Hey, sweetie! You ready
to go to the potluck?

Hon, I... I can't go.

I can't... I can't... The...

The forecast changed. There's no rain.

So, basically, right now, we have no plan.

- Okay.
- Houston, we have no plan!

So sorry, but that...
that really is literally

the time you could've said,
"Houston, we have a problem."

What?

No th... It's fine. No, it's fine.

Um, sweetie, don't you think
it's a good idea

to maybe get out of the barn,
put some clean pants on,

and come spend an hour with your wife?

I mean, isn't that why
we're here in the first place?

Like, to spend more time together.

It's, like, we could...

pretend we're having
a New York date night.

W... I-I... This isn't New York.

We can't afford to be impulsive

and do it in the bathroom of
a Thai restaurant

and then just go back
out and order dessert.

We got to build the Thai restaurant

with our own two hands

if we want to do it in the bathroom.

We need a plan, and we
need to get to work.

How good was the plan in the first place

if the whole thing falls apart
because of one rain forecast?

- How good was the plan in the first place?
- I'm sorry.

- That's your...
- I'm not trying to upset you.

All I'm saying is that

I-I am also having some trouble here.

I'm kind of freaking out

because I feel very out of place,

and you're kind of
the only person in the world

who can make it all okay.

And now it's like I don't
really have you, either.

So please, come to the potluck with me.

You don't have to do it just for me.

Do it... Do it for us.

I can't go.

Oh, did you guys hear?
It is not gonna rain.

Oh, my God.

Rudy, please, you got to let
us know when you're in here.

I apologize.

- We...
- I'm in here.

Got it.

Honey, go to the potluck.
I want you to have fun.

Okay.

Okay.

- Hi.
- Oh!

I carried this on my handlebars,

so it kind of sloshed all to the right,

so you might need to... spruce it up.

Is that what it needs?

- Potluck!
- Oh, yes. Come in.

You dressed up.

Ooh. That's a healthy pour.

Mike couldn't be here, so it's fi...

I don't... I'm, like, cool with that.

It's just more that I feel like
I have to loosen up.

The good news is
that I'm really fun at parties.

I went to this fundraiser,

and I got Bloomberg to do the worm.

So...

A lot of people were talking about it.

We just really want
to get our hands dirty.

You couldn't get
your hands dirty in New York?

Mm!

You can, but it's more like,

"I just touched my hand to a
subway pole, rubbed my eye,

and now I've got pink eye"
kind of dirty.

Well, I hope you find a husband here.

- Yeah.
- Oh. No, I-I'm married. I...

- Ohh.
- Well...

- Sure. Of course.
- No.

Remember Father Time... he clicks away.

- Yeah.
- I mean, you still look very pretty,

but he's gonna take that all away soon.

But that's my sad story,

so, you... w-what's the deal with you?
Why are you here alone?

My boyfriend and I just broke up.

Did you say "boyfriend"?

I love that.

You love it? What does that mean?

I'm from New York. I get it.

I-I'm an advocate. I
march for your rights.

I spent Halloweens in the Village.

You know, I was like...
I'm surrounded by...

like, in college I had a whole stint...

dated a girl for a long time.

Anyway, the point is, I'm
not gonna treat you differently

than anyone else here.

Starting when?

Oh.

You know what I turn to
when I'm looking for answers?

Those two...

Theresa and Anjelica.

Uh, I'm so turned around,
I'll try anything.

Is borage or clover
a better cover crop for us?

What am I looking for?

Do they nod or scratch
or show me a hoof?

I think you may have lost your mind, Mike.

- Y-You told me to...
- I just meant to watch them.

- They've got all the answers, don't they?
- They just look like

a couple of weird,
codependent farm animals to me.

Bingo.

They don't belong together, but
they make each other better.

You go be with your wife.

Rudy, I would love to go
with my wife to a potluck,

but it's not gonna rain,

and we don't have any money
to buy an irrigation system...

Can you make it rain?

No.

Can you make the wind change direction?

No.

What's the one thing you can do?

Trust me. I live alone in a barn
with a goat named after my ex-wife.

Go to the potluck.

Thank you.

- Don't thank me.
- Right.

Uh, thank you, Anjelica and Theresa.

Again, they're animals.
They do not speak English.

Mike, I'm starting to think that
you might bea little bit dense.

My cake is in the trash?

Aw, man.

Hey, honey.

Oh, you doing a little Dumpster diving?

- Hi!
- Mm.

- You came. You came.
- Yeah.

Yeah, I'm so sorry.
I should've come way sooner.

- Got so wrapped up in the whole planting...
- It's all right. It's all right.

Mike! Welcome.

See you braved that storm
we're not having

to make it over tonight.

There's a new thing called the forecast

that all the farmers
are using these days.

Actually, Beau,

Mike has been coming up with a new plan,

and it's gonna be amazing.

Oh! 'Cause you learned
how to be a farmer

from two weeks on the Internet.

I spent two weeks on the Internet,

and I got blocked on Twitter five times.

- She got a bad mouth.
- Hi, Jacob.

- Hi.
- Why don't you take a tip

from a guy who's been part of a family

that's been doing it
for a hundred years?

Quit now.

Go back to New York.

I'll take that farm off your hands.

Thanks for the potluck.

- We're gonna take off.
- No, no, no. Hang on.

It's true.

Mike may not have as much dirt
under his fingernails

as you, Beau, but you don't have

a speck of the dirt
that Mike has in his heart.

Because no one cares as much,

and no one tries as hard
as this man right here.

Thank you, hon.

I have seen this man
open a bottle of wine

with a pair of scissors.

I've seen this man
get a day-of brunch reservation

for eight people at 11:30 a.m.

on a Sunday of a three-day weekend!

This man can do anything!

So you watch us nail this farming thing.

And let me tell you something else.

You want to talk about
forecast, Beau? Let me...

Oh, yeah, I think it's cloudy,

with a chance of us kicking your ass.

- Hey!
- Excuse me?!

Just to be clear, that was metaphorical.

- She's not threatening violence.
- Well, it wasn't clear.

And excuse me, Kay. This is a cake.

And it deserves to be right here,

on the dessert table,
with all the other cakes,

- 'cause cake equality!
- Cake equality?!

Not in my house!

That was awesome!

That felt awesome!

- I'm so sorry, sweetie.
- No, no, honey.

- No, I-I-I am.
- I'm sorry. I left you alone.

I just have all this pressure to
make sure everything's perfect

because I'm the one who got fired,

- it was my idea to move out here, and...
- You know what? Huh?

Honestly, even if
it all just falls apart,

it's you and me,

and that... that is all that matters.

Oh, honey. Mm.

I don't know if you know
this, but they opened up

a little Thai bistro in the Bowman barn.

That's so weird.

- Yeah... Uh-huh.
- Oh!

Oh, Thai bistro.

- Yeah, yeah.
- I get it. Mm.

Okay, do you want it mild or spicy?

Well, I like it spicy, but
a-also mild would be fine,

'cause it's been a really long day.

- Okay, that's fair.
- Yeah.

- Aah! Cows!
- It's okay. It's okay.

T-They're behind the fence.
They're behind the fence.

Oh, cows, cows, cows, cows, cows.

Ignore it. Block them out.

Okay.

Oh, yeah.

Let's do it. You're so strong.

Okay, hold on.

- You want to do some weird barn sex?
- Yeah!

- This is like "Animal Farm."
- Ooh! Is that a...

- I didn't read that.
- Yeah.

It's not that hot, but just go with it.

Oh, Mike.

- Mike. Mike.
- Oh, do I smell?

I know. I thought we could push through.

There's a bull.

- There's a bull... Don't look!
- There's a bull behind me?

Is it doing this with his hoofs?

- 'Cause that's when they're gonna charge.
- It's, like... frothing.

- We gotta go.
- No, shh! Don't move!

Oh, my gosh! Aah!

Ohh!

He just... shot right out.

W-Why was he in here
by himself, do you think?

I do not know.

Oh.

- Oh, all right. T-That's why.
- Ohh.

Oh, dear. I think we got
him all hot and bothered.

- Ooh.
- Oh, my goodness.

- Okay, now he's moving on to the next.
- Girl.

- Yeah, I see that.
- It's a numbers games for him.

- Yikes.
- Um... this is not good.

Houston, we have a problem.

Oh. Y... That sounds right.

Before we begin,
I think apologies are in order.

Yes, we are sorry

that we tried to make love in your barn

in such a way that freed your bull

and caused it to make love
to all your cows.

Yeah. Uh, we feel terrible...

- Terrible.
- ...that you had to...

it looks like, fight it?

Most of the night, yeah.

- Okay.
- Well...

But you got a lot of fun
Band-Aids going on there.

- Uh, anyway...
- Yeah.

...we sincerely apologize.

If it's any consolation,
I just want to say that,

for Mike and I,

it was a really important night, and...

It was kind of a breakthrough,
'cause we were

- feeling pretty disconnected...
- Oh, good.

- ...'cause of the stress, I guess.
- Just to lessen the mood.

- Miss Kay.
- Okay.

Oh, um, I'm trying to think of something

that we should apologize for.

I guess we should've offered our
bedroom for your lovemaking?

How about apologizing

for throwing their cake in the trash?

- I'm sorry.
- And talking trash?

Sorry.

All right. Doesn't everybody
feel a little better?

- Yeah.
- Okay, now on to the damages.

You owe us $50,000.

I'm sorry... what?

The Bowmans sell bull semen to China.

I am a stud merchant!

That's right, and that bull's
"genetic material"

was supposed to be frozen

and on a slow boat to Beijing
this morning!

This morning!

And as their attorney, I can verify

they were due $50,000

upon delivery of the... specimens.

- I thought you were our attorney.
- You're our attorney.

I'm the only lawyer in Bucksnort.

I'm everyone's attorney.

And I would advise you
to negotiate down to $40,000,

because I have a feeling that
they're going to agree to it.

- Forty is fair.
- No! We don't have $40,000.

I'll see you in court, then.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, okay, o-okay.
- W-Wait. Hold on.

- Let's ju... Hey, hey.
- Hold on a second. We don't have it.

I...

- Do you want to take our tractor?
- Hmm.

- Wait.
- Well, Jacob's coming of age.

I guess we could use an old beater
for him to kick around in

- until we get a new one under him.
- Mm-hmm.

That baby's got some years on her,

but I bet she could teach me
a thing or two,

- if you know what I mean, huh?
- Shh! Jacob, no!

This is not okay.

We need the tractor for Mike's plan.

Honey, we'll... we'll
come up with a new plan.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, we'll... we'll figure it out.

Think we got a deal.

- Tractor?
- All right!

I'll invoice you,
and, uh, this was pro Bono.

Otherwise, it's just too depressing.

Thank you.

- You good, babe?
- Yeah.

I mean, it kind of feels like rock bottom,

but other than that...

Oh, you're a ways from rock bottom.

I remember when I lost my tractor.

I thought everything was over.

Then I lost my wife.

- Lost my farm.
- Thank you.

Trying to think if there's
anything else I lost.

- Oh, yeah... both parents, two dogs.
- Rudy...

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Thank you so much.
- Yeah.

- Hello, Rudy.
- Constance.

Why is your goat standing on
my patrol... vehicle?

She doesn't want you to leave.

Either that or you have cashews inside.

- Honey.
- Yeah?

Look at Anjelica.

Do you see what she's doing?

She's making and spreading nutrient-rich
organic material.

- Poop?
- No, I-I've read about this.

- Okay.
- Okay, just imagine chickens everywhere.

- Right.
- E... E... Fertilizing everything.

- Okay.
- I think we could bring the soil back

without having a tractor.

I mean, it would take a lot more work,

and we would need a ton of chickens.

I... Chicke... You want chickens?

I got chickens. I have an i...

Yeah, let me... I-I'll get you chickens.

- Oh.
- Here we go.

- Oh, boy.
- Hello. Welcome.

- Wise person.
- One chicken is fine for it.

- So, do I just... Yeah? Okay?
- Yeah. Just give it a...

Oh, hon, you're a natural.

- Found this. What do you think?
- Okay!

- Look at this. Chicken for chicken?
- One for one, I suppose.

- Does that feel fair?
- Yeah.

- Yeah, I think you'll really...
- You're gonna like that.

Oh.

- Um...
- That's not...

Uh, no. Just the one.

♪ Have you ever seen the rain?

- Look at that.
- Beautiful. Here we go.

- A dozen dolls for a dozen...
- Okay.

- Shame to see those go.
- Dozen for a dozen.

- You come visit them anytime.
- But you're gonna come visit. Okay.

- Thank you, guys.
- All right, come on.

I think people gave us

their weirdest, most demented chickens.

I like it. It feels like us.

- We're the crazy chicken people now.
- Exactly.

I can live with that.

I'm sorry. They're from New York.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com