Original subtitles

Do you believe in the existence of evil?

Help me!

Oh. No!

30 years ago, I found the Book of the Dead.

Now, because I read from the book...

Missar-drah--

... evil has found me.

You have no idea what you're doing!

Of course I know what I'm doing.

I wrote this book.

Ruby is in Elk Grove, Michigan.

That's my hometown.

Ash?

Hiya Pop.

I got a problem.

The book-- it did something to me.

It changed me.

Night night.

That's our cue!

Evil, if you show your ugly mug in this town ever again,

I will take you down and I will wipe you out!

You know me as Ash Williams,

the hero who saved Elk Grove from evil.

For 30 long years, I've used this saw on monsters and demons.

But those battles are won, so now I use it to--

Slash prices!

At Ashy Slashy's Hardware Store Emporium,

we got you covered!

You want paint?

We shake it till we break it!

Ladies, you'll love his nuts!

What's better than a handful of my nuts?

Ahh!

A long screw.

Whoa!

We got wood.

We got rope.

We got rubber!

We got it all!

Die high prices

Goodbye high prices!

For that special someone, we've got everything from

- "D" to "ildo." - Mmm.

Because at Ashy Slashy's, service is literally...

Not. ... our middle name!

Whoo!

Perfection! And only 22 takes!

- Welcome back... - Yeah.

It's looking good, Jefe.

Marketing 101, Pablo.

Know your audience.

Look at them lining up out there.

You're a badass!

You know I've never seen a town lose its shit

over a hardware store before.

Well, it's time to wake up and smell

the lightly scented wax flowers, Pablo.

This isn't just a well-stocked hardware store/sex-toy emporium.

No, this is a shrine to a local hero.

Those adoring fans are my peeps!

All right!

Hey, hey!

Hello, Elk Grove! Hey, hey!

Are you ready for some hardware?!

Come on in!

Fishing supplies, aisle two.

We got guns, we got flags, we got pornography.

That's a little further in the back.

Men, can't please your wives?

Better check out aisle seven.

Yeah!

Same problem? No need to push, jeez.

Aisle 3 I think.

Hey, no need to push. Leave me alone.

And last up we have Amy,

who I'm told has made a startling discovery.

I see here, Amy, that you discovered this item--

In the mud.

In the mud.

Well, I know. I'm sorry...

What I fucking tell you, huh?

How many times I got to tell you?

Pretzels are for paying customers only!

Okay?

Next time I'll use your head as a fucking cue ball.

Who touched the T-- who touched the TV?

How many fuckin'--

Hey, hey, it's me.

You were right, evil's coming back.

And here you've found a book written in ancient Sumerian.

Curious.

Does "curious" mean valuable?

This appears to be some sort of...

descriptive passage.

Conda anu astratta alaktu...

You know with most of these clowns,

I got to play hardball, but for you?

Hose clamps are half-off.

These are the best in the world.

You put them on, they grip tight.

They don't slip, slide, stretch, or tear like other things.

... estaro ces reche.

Sarr des kanda...

Kanda...

kanda?

What?

Apparently you've found an ancient text,

known as the Necronomicon-Ex Mortis.

The Book of the Dead.

Is that... good?

The book, is said to hold spells

and incantations that,

if read out loud...

... could connect the demons of the netherworld,

with our own--

Most important thing about a hose,

is its width, and its length.

Mostly the length.

Our scheduled broadcast

will resume in a moment.

Hey!

I paid for two more spots!

Okay, we got two fish tacos.

Bam!

We got your hard drive.

That's me. Thank you. Enjoy.

Oh yeah. Oh!

I don't know...

Excuse me.

Oh! Shit--

Who are you?

Well in Rome, they called me mulier daemonium de igne.

Demon woman of fire.

And in Greece, they called me

ágria ti mitéra apó tin kólasi.

Fierce mother from hell.

But in these benighted times, they just call me Ruby.

I'll take that.

No! No! Wait! It's too important--

This is bullshit.

Whatever happened to free speech?

Ah, this was my best giant penis yet.

Yeah.

Thanks for talking me into this.

You missed a spot.

Dick. Less.

Can we just finish and get out?

I'm in enough trouble already.

Wait till they see what I drew on Perkins' car.

Is "man-gina" a word?

Oh, Rachel, please.

I just want to get through the next four months.

Since when did you become Miss Bourgeoisie?

Oh, it's simple.

I graduate, I can leave here.

I leave here, I'm not here, and that's a good thing.

All right, you still haven't fallen for Elk Grove's

"small town charms?"

Excuse me?

The whole town's excited because their ex-psycho killer

is opening a hardware store.

Kill me now.

Could be worse.

How?

We could be like them.

Oh, yeah. That'll never happen.

Good, because if you did,

I would have to slit my wrists.

Oh, look. Cougie's back.

Yeah, well, fuck off, Cougie!

Okay, we get it.

Costume, mascot, very funny.

You can leave now!

Hey, asshole!

Go away--

Shit.

Shit.

Okay, guy, now I'm mad.

Jesus, what is that?

Probably just some varsity assholes

playing some bullshit prank!

Ah!

Brandy, don't!

What is your problem, fuckboy?

Help!

Help! Help please!

And that's the whole story.

Hey, feller. Hey. How are you?

Ladies. Come on.

A litlle somethin', somethin'.

There we go.

Nickel for a tickle, huh?

What do you say?

I don't believe this, it's really him.

- Oh, hey. Hey, honey. - Mom! Mom!

There's this guy at the school, you've got to come

help us, please! What?

Hey, Pablo. Yeah.

Ah, I got to talk to you about something else.

If this is about a raise--

Actually, you don't pay me at all right now, but--

Son of a bitch!

Hey, whoa!

Lady! There's a line!

Wha-- ? You don't even remember me?

Well, the old steel trap never forgets a rack,

but faces are a little fuzzy.

Give me a hint.

I said a hint.

I'm your fucking wife!

My what?

We need to talk.

Lady, I don't know what kind of coo-coo juice

you've been drinkin',

but if you're fishing for alimony--

One of your goddamn monsters just attacked our daughter

at Kenward County High.

Daughter?! Ha!

You definitely got the wrong guy!

Demons made you chop off your hand.

"I'll swallow your soul."

Good sex is 30 seconds followed by a cheeseburger?

Okay, maybe we have met.

But in case you didn't get the memo,

me and my compadres, we buried evil big time.

Elk Grove is officially a demon-free zone.

Jefe. Yeah.

I think she's telling the truth.

Dude, I told you to get that shit lasered off.

Nah, I didn't do this!

It just happened outside.

I'm scared!

This thing is after my little girl and--

All right all ready! I'll check it out!

Just like old times, eh, Pablo?

Except for the wife part, and no Kelly.

Actually, it's not like old times at all.

Just drive! Hey, easy for you sister.

You come waltzing into my life,

yapping about demons and daughters,

and I don't know boo about you.

Candace Barr. Yeah, and?

Branson?

Branson.

Oh...

Oh.

Ah! My God!

Oh God! She's so good! Oh.

Wait a minute, Candace Barr.

Oh no, Candy Barr?

Well, this daughter of ours,

I'll bet she thinks I'm pretty special, huh?

Dream on.

I told her her old man was some crack dealer

who got shanked in prison.

What?!

Well, it was easier than admitting

I'd hooked up with some psycho saw-boy!

Oh, okay, but I call B.S. on the daughter.

I was using my lucky rubber all through the odds,

and that sucker went 50 and 0.

Oh, oh, oh.

Just drive!

Candalier boncelo....

Kanda.

Abomino.

God, that smell.

This monkey farm hasn't changed in 30 years.

The caller you are trying to reach is unavailable.

She's not answering.

You actually went to school?

Yeah, these halls have some sweet memories.

Met my first Linda here.

Hey, give me a second.

What are you doing?

I'm sorry, I don't even know you,

but did I make a mistake coming to Ash for help?

Ever since I hooked up with El Jefe,

I've seen a lot of weird shit go down.

He's always had my back.

Well, almost always.

There was this one time I got cut in half.

What?

Yeah, but Ash went back in time to save me.

It was so cool, but also really weird,

because when we got back, nothing seemed to have changed.

Maui Wowie.

It's my emergency stash.

I'll just put this bad boy away for the appropriate time.

Brandy?

Shh, shh!

Whoever's out there, fuck off!

Brandy?

Wow.

She's not yours, dumb-ass!

Mom!

Honey! Thank God!

Back off, Mama Bear! Hey!

What are you doing?

The ink on my buddy went nuclear,

that means evil is just around the corner.

So your little peach could be a bowel-sucking hell beast.

Mom, what's the chainsaw geek doing here?

Oh, honey, uh, I don't know how to tell you this,

but Ash, he's- he's ah- he's your--

What she's trying to say is, I'm your pop.

Father dearest.

The old sperm shooter.

What? But you can call me Dad,

unless you're a Deadite, then you can go fuck yourself.

So come on now, demon-spawn!

Show Daddy what you got!

Okay, nobody move.

Alleged Daughter, who else is in the room?

Um, you...

the guy with the hair...

... my mom, and--

Rachel?

Hey, Brandy's friend.

You want to keep it down?

Oh! Oh my God! Rachel? What have you done?

What are you doing?!

Rachel!

Ah!

Ah!

Blow.

No!

I love you, Brandy.

Oh! Ugh!

Candy.

Mom!

Why you--

No!

Ashy Slashy, soon there'll be nothing left of you...

... we'll destroy your seed and your whore daughter too.

Sorry jailbait, my dance card is a little full.

I'll have to squeeze you in.

Brandy!

Oh!

Suck on that, Harpo.

Whew.

What... what?

I know.

It sucks.

I remember my first taste of evil.

Oh, Cougie!

They got you too!

Ash!

Ah! Whoa!

Howdy fuckin' ho, boys.

Miss me?

Uh!

Well, looky who's back,

and seriously rocking the leather.

Who's the boy toy?

Kelly was right.

You are the prophesied one.

This is Dalton.

He's with the Knights of Sumeria.

The who with the huh?

It's an honor to meet you.

I've been waiting for the chance to battle this ancient evil

my entire life.

Yeah, he's kind of a fan.

Who's the kid?

Oh, believe it or not, that's my daughter.

Sandy.

Ah, Mandy.

Brandy.

And fuck you.

We're still getting to know each other.

Okay, team, it looks like evil's back,

and Elk Grove is ground zero.

Kelly, Pablo.

Other guy, you up for this?

One for all, and all for one.

Uh, cute, but no.

Pablo?

Say it like you mean it.

Ghost Beaters are back!

Fucking A, right we are!

And evil...

oh, we're coming for you.

I think now is the appropriate time Pablo.

Sandy?