Original subtitles

Each year, a considerable event shakes the publishing world.

In a few days, a million copies of a book roll off the presses.

It's not the latest novel by a bestselling author.

To be precice, it's a guide. The famous Duchemin Guide.

On the awaited day, in a few hours

its famous red and blue cover appears

in every bookshop window.

Millions of copies are sent out in the world,

intended for future tourists

who can't imagine visiting France without this sort of bible☻

which allows them, even with eyes closed,

to swap their dollars, pounds, escudos, roubles

or any other currency

for the finest specialties of French gastronomy.

The Guide's decisions make the front page of all the great dailies

[RESTAURANT LOSES 3RD STAR]

with abundant commentaries on those little stars

[140 RESTAURANTS LOSE ONE STAR]

awarded to deserving restaurants or subtracted from the failures.

Its judgements cannot be appealed and have made the fortunes

and international glory of some of them.

But all of them, whatever their reputation;

ALL, dread a visit

from a mysterious inspector of the celebrated Guide.

[The Wing or Thigh?]

Table for one? - Certainly.

Yes, this way.

The menu.

Hello? This is the Coquille d'Or, may I help you.

Are you certain?

Very well.

I'll take the necessary measures. Thank you so much.

We have a Duchemin inspector in the room. - Which one?

The fat one at table 5. - Are you sure?

Did he have a coat? - Yes.

The coat for table 5.

Warn the chef, immediately.

Gimme that.

I'd like to order, please.

If I may, sir. You seem to enjoy them so much.

May I offer, on the house, another dozen oysters.

Excellent, aren't they?

They're fine, thank you.

My order, please!

Cruditées to start...

I wish you, bon appétit.

Duck with peaches...

First of all a mineral water.

The rest of the meal will blow you away!

Oh, my mineral water!

Bring that ice to table 5. He's from Duchemin!

My mineral water!

Can never be too cold, heh?

No, no it's for 5. He's from Duchemin.

I say, I didn't order all that! - A little extra service.

Duchemin is at 5.

Ah, my mineral ..!

Hm. My mineral water

My tisane? (herbal tea)

While you peruse your bill, may I offer you a little armagnac?

The gentleman's coat.

Goodbye, sir.

I think that went well. - We had some luck.

We gave him the works. - Good thing you spotted him.

Oh, I can spot a Duchemin a mile away. Can't fool me!

I can spot a Duchemin inspector a mile away!

Mr. Director, shall we go back to the office?

No, it's early, we still have time to eat a little Japanese.

Two restaurants at lunch? Overdoing it don't you think?

One more month, the Guide'll be done,

I'll retire and my son will take over.

You don't think my son's capable?

I haven't said a word, sir.

Well, you pulled a face.

I assure you!

My son's very capable. You'll see, he'll astound you.

- Is it tasty? (Oishi desu ka?) - It is tasty! (Oishi desu)

- Is it tasty? - So am I !

Victor, we'll plant soy beans. There, there and there.

Soy beans? - Soy beans! (naka naka).

Good day, sir.

Gentlemen, how are you? ... Dubreuil?

- Mr. Director, sir! - How was the Coquille d'Or?

Excellent lunch, very good reception.

A bit too good, I think they spotted me.

Have you made a report? - Here it is.

Maybe we should send someone else. - No no, it's all right.

Marguerite? -

Mr. Director. Did I phone at the right time?

Perfect. Please write.

Japanese restaurant - The Kobe.

Sukiyaki with teppanyaki

followed by sashimi and shabu shabu,

all skips and somersaults before your very eyes,

then, miraculously lands in your plate.

Yes? The studio's ready for your photo.

Ok.

Hello, gentlemen.

All the ingredients ready? - Yes, Mr Duchemin.

OK, I'll start.

For inspiration...

music!

♪ [Ride of the Valkyries]

No! Not, Wagner?!

Wagner's for big game!

For boar, for rhinoceros...

Pum pa-pa pum pumm!

Really!

But for Bresse chicken or lobster Roskow...

you need something else.

So, find me some music that's light, spiritual, subtle.

And snap to it!

♪ [L'aile ou la cuisse] [Vladimir Cosma]

Morand, will the Guide be ready by the deadline?

Still 100 restaurants left, to classify.

But if our inspectors take big mouthfuls, we'll be on schedule.

Sir, have you decided to remove a star from the Petit Versailles?

It's delicate. We'll have to redo it.

Sir, the tailor is waiting. - Yes, coming.

If you like to be greeted like a dog in a bowling alley,...

risk your life with each oyster,

and a heart attack upon seeing your bill,

then, run to the "Délices de l'Océan".

Sir!.. Woah!

If you run around like that...

you'll be inducted into the Academie Francaise in your underpants.

Fine, I've stopped moving! - It's the studio, M. Duchemin.

Yes... yes... no...

Yes... Oh, yeah?... Oh, no!

- Your dentist, sir. - Hello, M. Duchemin?

You sure it was for today?

M. Duchemin, you're not my easiest patient.

You can't come tomorrow? 'Cause today I feel all...

M Duchemin, I came with my equipment.

You really need all that?

Open your mouth, M. Duchemin.

Your mouth.

Your mouth!

The childrens' desserts test. - This is urgent.

One out of twenty.

Two out of twenty.

- Zero - M. Godefroy.

I came to show you two Academy swords...

that I designed for you.

The first has a pommel representing

a thigh on a wing...

and the second; a wing on a thigh.

Perfect. You don't lack imagination.

The first one's very good.

A few signatures, sir.

The mail must go out, now.

That's fine, take this. Very good.

Oh, that's great!

Sir, tonight you're dining at the Richelieu Matignon.

You asked me to reserve a table.

- Is my son around? - Upstairs, working, in his room.

Gérard, are you in there?

- What is all this? - I was testing eggs.

Oh you work too hard!

3 restaurants at noon, 3 restaurants at night.

plus research work!

- It's to be expected, papa. - Once in a while you must relax!

So tonight, you'll dine, there.

Richelieu Matignon?

3 stars! Taste all their specialties. Unlimited credit.

Well, I had intended...

Ah, no, forget all those suburban restaurants.

You're feasting tonight! Go change your clothes.

Look at him!

- Hey guys, is Roland here? - Are you dressed for a wedding?

Hi.

Look what those idiots did.

Roland, I've got a little problem tonight.

You can't play? - I must eat in town, first.

We'll shift the acts. You come for the 2nd part.

No need, when Fissel's finished...

send him to replace me at the restaurant and I'll be back.

The circus in one hand and your father's Guide in the other

How long can you juggle both?

Lucky we have my father's books.

How could we live on our gate receipts?

'Cause we play the suburbs, full of penniless, gate crashers.

That's another problem.

We need the money I earn.

You're better off to pick one.

I'll choose the circus when it stands on its own.

Here...

restaurant bills from lunch. Comments on the back.

Good evening, sir. - I'd like melon with port...

then, an egg in jelly,

mackerel in aspic...

foie gras on brioche

crayfish in broth.

Instead of the foie gras? - No, both.

No, that's not all.

OK, also a grilled mullet

then a Bresse chicken a la francaise.

And a calf's head... Ah... no, Charolais cheese.

First the Charolais, then the calf's head.

Tell me how's the sauerkraut?

Very good, sir. -Bring me just a taste.

Very well, sir.

Could you rush it? I'm pressed for time.

Understood, sir.

Look my dear. Unbelievable!

Where are you going? - I'm expected.

- Sure took your time! - It's not just next door!

Give him what I ordered. Don't forget the receipt.

Who wants to play with Jumbo? - Me! Me!

Jumbo will choose his own partner.

Jumbo, choose! - Go on, Jumbo.

Aw, he's thirsty!

Drink, Jumbo. No, he doesn't wanna drink!

Jumbo, go on.

He stole the bottle!

Sir, you've been chosen. Come on.

Yes, it's a free shave! All free!

Go on, Jumbo, go ahead.

Aah!

Stop, you made a mistake.

He's the President of the Republic.

Outta the way!

We have to clean him up.

-Should I? -YESS!!

Watch out, here we go!

Heave, ho!

Heave, ho!

It's not him. It's not him.

Yesterday, when I mentioned my son you pulled a face.

I assure you sir...

I saw you. You went "oh, pffft"!

Yesterday my boy ate 3 lunches in the suburbs

and dinner at the Richelieu Matignon.

Look at this bill. No, you look ahead.

Some dishes he odered twice!

Wouldn't you call that, professional?

Henry, stop a second.

Oh, good morning, sirs!

Excuse me, but I have reserved

a table for me and Mr. Young.

Park your ass in the corner.

I go.

The menu, please.

Thank you.

(What's with him?)

Salad of tomatoes and a entrecote 'bordulezz'.

With coca cola?

No, with beaujolais nouveau!

Very, very good! Marvellous, wonderful!

But very, very nouveau, huh?

Where are the toilets, please?

End of the hall, on your left. Just follow the flies.

Two fried fish.

What the hell are you doing here?

What? ... The, the toilets.

Looks like a toilet to you? - Ye..., no!

I said, "end of the hall, on your left".

Ah, yes!

Oh! The bill, please.

The bill, is very... very...

If you can't afford it go picknick.

Here, Gautier, analyse this for me.

Done, sir.

Lapré, your tour of the province...

Yes, sir, I wanted to talk to you about that.

Seems that most of the great restaurants

are being bought up by a large company.

Which runs a totally different type of restaurant.

Which company? - I think it's the Tricatel chain.

But they handle truckstops and in factory cafeterias!

Seems they're diversifying.

Promising material. But are you sure of your facts?

No formal proof, just loose lipped confidences.

We must be certain! The Guide comes out in a month.

I can't unknowingly

hand out stars to that canned food merchant!

Can I help you?

I'm the plumber, checking the radiators.

Hello gentlemen.

I'm checking the radiators.

I'll be right back.

Come in.

Excuse me for disturbing, but regarding that plumber.

- What plumber? - Tthe one checking the radiators.

I'm not aware of that!

He's no plumber!

No idea what you're talking about.

The plumber in your office... Yes

...is a fake plumber!

I used to be a plumber, so I noticed right away.

-Marguerite! - M. Director?

There's a plumber checking radiators. Are you aware of him?

Ah, it's not possible, they were checked last month.

Yes, sir. - Keep very calm, Dubreuil.

Don't speak.

Just say one word: "Yes" Understood?

I don't understand, sir. - What did I just say? You wanna get fired?

But... "Yes, M. Director." - You caught on, fine.

- The plumber still there? - Yes, he's doing...

Dubreuil! - "Yes, yes... yes.

Relax, be natural,

Make like you got a huge raise. - Ah, thank you, M. Director.

Fine...

Now... very casually

walk out the office and leave the plumber in.

Then join us here.

"Yes, sir." - Now, repeat after me.

An aperitif in the print shop? I'll be right there, sir!

"An aperitif in the print shop? I'll be right there, sir!"

I'm waiting.

- Do I repeat that too? - Jack ass!

Assemble everybody. We're gonna... him!

Get him!

He'll go out the window. Head him off, quick!

Stop. No, stop.

Marguerite!

My chandelier!

Mr. Duch... M. Director!

- Sir, sir! -Marguerite!

Papa!

Too the editing room! And tie him up!

What about me? Aahh!

Quick, a ladder!

Hang in there, Marguerite, we're coming!

Forget the ladder!

My leg!

Does it hurt?

Call an ambulance.

But the Guide comes out in a month.

Call a temp agency you'll need a replacement.

Leave me alone with him.

For whom did you steal this dossier?

Who is this dossier for!

There!

What did they pay you to do this?

I...

will give you...

200 francs...

to tell me who's behind all this.

He won't talk.

Get you car and wait for me outside.

- But... - No buts.

Yes, papa. Shall I change?

Do you have last year's layouts?

Of course, sir.

Alright, here it is...

In less than 10 minutes...

In less than 10 minutes, our plumber must escape.

He won't be long.

Get him!

Don't let him out of you sight.

Not so close or he'll know he's being followed!

Faster, or we'll lose him! - But... eh...

Where's the gas pedal?

Careful, he's turning left. Oh, red light!

We have a red light. - To hell with it!

Follow wherever he goes.

Hello, Lambert!

You've got it?

We have the future stars!

We'll buy all these up, listed in order of priority.

They themselves have no idea yet.

If you'll permit me to say, M. Director General...

you're, sort of, a genius.

Oh, you can say it. Say it, I like it.

How much did you pay?

A million... Old Francs. (10,000F)

I paid 32 francs.

You stole the layout of last year's issue of the Guide.

M. General Manager I...

Come here.

Come.

The glasses.

- Stop. - Why?

One more and I'll tell my union. - You deserve it, admit it.

Perhaps, but that's enough! - Calm down, Lambert...

let's discuss it, shall we?

Please?

I'm looking for man with a beige, checkered Prince of Wales suit.

What about?

About this pen. He lost it. So I brought it.

Must be M. Lambert's.

M. Lambert?... M. Tricatel's assistant. He'll be very glad to get it back.

Would you like to sign in? - Ye... No, no.

- Thanks. - Welcome.

- Well? - I lost my pen.

Yes, but I know who it is. - Yeah?

The guy's called Lambert.

Lambert? Who is this Lambert?

He's the boss's assistant. Tricatel's.

Tricatel?!

- Jacques Tricatel? - Yeah, the truckstop guy.

Son, it's gonna be a real treat making this Tricatel pay!

M. Bouvard, Charles Duchemin on the telephone.

The Guide's director? - Yes.

I don't believe it.

Hello? - My dear M. Bouvard!

You often asked me to be a guest

on your tv show, "No Holds Barred".

True, but you always refused.

This time, I accept.

Fantastic! All I need is you and my track record.

On one condition: I want my opponent to be Tricatel.

No problem. Tricatel vs Duchemin...

we'll blow the ratings sky high.

Only thing is... will he accept?

That's your problem. I might suggest...

a way to go about it.

He should have the impression that it's his own idea.

You can't imagine, M. Bouvard.

How very pleased and flattered I am,

to be the star of your show.

Not at all, it's me who's obliged to you.

You know, people of your calibre, today, are rare.

It seems you're right.

Anyway, I look good on TV.

I'm told people can't take their eyes off me.

-Sit, please. -Thank you.

The only difficulty is in finding an adversary of my stature?

You understand, I can't confront just anybody.

Certainly not. I considered it

and took the liberty of drawing up a little list

of all the champions in your class. - Let's see.

Lacour?... Grotesque!

Gallavair... He'd last 3 minutes.

Lots, Lampolle, Jean...

Why'd you cross this out? - Which?

There. Duchemin.

No, Duchemin wouldn't be fair. He's not tough enough.

I don't share your view. Duchemin's a suitable adversary.

Yes, but, how to persuade him?

I think we'll have to proceed hypocritically.

Give him the impression the idea's his.

What do you think?

I think, M. Tricatel, that you are heir to Machiavelli.

Stop, sir! I didn't inherit daddy's, or anyone's, millions.

I'm a self made man.

Gentlemen I ask you to make an extra effort over the next days.

An effort to get into absolutely perfect physical form.

None of this... nyehh!

You know my adversary, at least by reputation: a disaster!

Up to now, we've ignored him;

an error which might be disastrous.

The danger grows every day. We must confront it early,

directly, and put it in its place.

Redoubtable ordeals await you.

Yes gentlemen, it can be eaten.

It's from Tricatel, start getting used to it.

We need maximum information. Full reconnaissance.

I need, right away, a scathing dossier on Tricatel and Company.

Gentlemen, bon appetit!

Wanna redeem yourself, Lambert?

Yes, M. Director.

Follow Duchemin.

He'll be interested in me, certainly.

I want to know all his movements.

So, I go where he goes.

Exactly.

And you keep me informed.

You can count on me, M. Director.

- When do I start? When you've done the other shoe.

I have to speak to you, papa.

I've been putting on an act for too long.

So, don't look at me like that.

There's no need, you don't scare me anymore.

I'm leaving.

I've decided... Voila.

Marguerite!

Yes?

Who are you? - Your new temp secretary.

What's your name? - Marguerite, and you?

I'm "Monsieur" Director! - Ok.

How old are you? - 22, and you?

You take shorthand? - Fortunately.

Foreign languages? - A few.

Parlo italiano, Jag talar svenska, I speak English.

Muy bien! Write...

If you want to die of a stomach ulcer...

in the space of a few weeks...

(then eat at "The Dindon Farci")

...a new restaurant in the Paris suburbs.

I must speak to you, it's very important.

Temp!

Called Marguerite like the other one.

You started to say something?

No... Er.. Yes, but I don't...

That's my son. - Are you sure?

Please!

Write...

... hors d'oeuvres; at your peril...

covered by a layer of dust as thick as you please,

coquilles Saint-Jacques scavanged at an oil spill,

You'll have, at The Dindon Farci, the worst meals

of your whole existence,

and with exemplary regularity.

It's absolutely vile every day except Sunday, when it's closed.

What? Want something? - No, I was thinking.

Ah, right!

Tomorrow we're off on a tour of the provinces.

Ah, great.

I want you to come it's very important

Yes.

No, no can't tomorrow. Absolutely impossible.

I've got to see a lot of people.

Never mind, it's too bad.

It's my last tour and we've never gone together.

Huh? I'd like to teach you a few tricks.

Yeah, too bad... - No?...

Where were we?

Miss, I'll have something to dictate tomorrow morning.

At your service.

Ok. You live far from here? - Yes, will you take me?

Yes.

You're very kind. My feet hurt.

This doesn't bother you? - No.

In Holland, we always wear clogs, not these.

Ah, you're Dutch? - Yes.

Are you always this fast with the temps?

Huh?

Y.. y... eh...

Curious, you don't look like a

boss's son who jumps everything that moves.

Shy, huh?

Eough!

Say, can I invite you to lunch tomorrow?

I'd have said yes,

but your father asked me to accompany him on his tour.

Really? - Yes.

On a trip with my father?

Several days.

- Really? -Sorry, another time.

Thanks.

Papa, I cleared my schedule, I can come tomorrow.

Attaboy, I'll tell Marguerite to stay here.

Oh, why not ask her to come along?

She might be useful.

Yeah.

Yeah, fine...

Sure.

How are you, Gérard? - Half a pint, please.

We hit the road tomorrow. - Where to?

On a tour with my father.

So you can follow the same route and, voila!

- Oh, that's some trip! - Getting some fresh air.

The persistent buzz is that

a certain number of restaurants, the glory of French gastronomy,

are about to be bought up by Tricatel Inc.

This sinister person has not yet terminated his demolition enterprise.

He wants to wipe off the map the last defenders of quality cuisine.

Or perhaps he wants to stifle the French ability to compare.

Monsieur. - Yeah.

I think we're being followed.

Followed? By whom?

A white car. It's been over 2 hours.

Slow down, let's see what he does.

I can shake him off if you want, sir.

How?

By going fast.

No, ah, no.

-Do you know how? -Do I ever, sir!

Ah, but it's too late.

Give'er the gun.

Great. Thank you, sir!

Hang on tight!

Henri, not too much imprudence, please!

I think we can make it.

Like a glove!

Not too scared?

No, no, I love it. And you?

Me too, me too.

We must avoid being recognised.

How's that?

OK, I'm a rich doting father

accompanying newlyweds on their honeymoon.

I planned it all out.

Slip on these wedding rings, it'll make it more realistic.

Good evening.

Good evening, sir. I reserved 3 rooms.

One for me,

one... for the newlyweds

one for the chauffeur.

Which name, please. - M. de Nédélec.

De Nédélec... yes.

Will you dine here? - Yes, absolutely.

Gérard and I here. And Marguerite across the hall.

I'd rather spend my wedding night with my husband.

Where's my head at?!

My son and daughter-in-law, there

and me here, of course.

Not bad.

I'll take this one. - Me too.

What are you waiting for?

I was unpacking.

Unpack across the hall. We're here to work!

Dinner in an hour.

No, no. The other one.

Oh.

Come in.

You have my bag. This is yours.

Wait, I'll get it.

You took my suitcase. - Really?

- Voila! Stay here, I'll get yours.

Voila!

Thanks.

Not mine. It's yours.

What are you doing here? - It's my room.

No, it's mine. My bed. My son's there.

Go, go!

- Very well ! - Across the hall. Go!

Marguerite, your room!

You, in there.

I'm carrying her bag. - My bag.

What should I do with this one?

What should you...?

I told you.

My son and his wife there, and me here.

Gérard, my bag.

Analyse everything you eat.

Romanais Courtis, 1964.

Pardon me.

It's throaty.

It has legs.

Attacks the palate dryly, yet not lacking in aftertaste.

You may serve it.

OK?

Pissel... go warn Gérard. He's eating with his father

Should I take his place? - Are you crazy? Be discrete.

Evening, ladies and gentlemen. Oo, lala!

Smells like art lovers, at this table!

Buy my drawings now, before they're worth a fortune.

Here, look.

The first one represents a circus.

Not many spectators yet.

Hold on. Here we have a clown.

A sad clown.

Yes, but...

May I?

And on this third one, what do we have?...

...a comedian who's not there!

An missing artist.

The other artists have been waiting a long time.

Will he, won't he...? Will he, won't he come?

This is not a flea market. Go sell it outside.

Hey, hey!

Incredible!

Sorry.

Gotta make a phone call. Excuse me.

- Well? - It's certainly Table 5.

That's the son.

We're gonna clean him up, ok?

Yeah!

Heave ho!

Heave ho!

It's not him!

I'm sorry.

That was long!

Yes it was long, it's a bit complicated.

I made a call too, but you weren't there.

Yes... ah... no.

Because I prefer to phone outside.

It's more discrete...

so I prefer that.

Curious meal, last night!

It started very mediocre;

tasteless ingredients of dubious origin,

pretentious presentation,

all of a sudden, paf, it improved in the second part.

I wonder if I was spotted.

Yeah, maybe.

Tonight we play newlyweds?

Ahn no! I have another plan for tonight.

Good evening, sir. - We reserved 3 rooms.

For Baron de la Cournelle? - That's right.

Madame.

Do you have someone to help with our baggage?

I'm sorry. I have some problems with personnel.

Could I ask you to do it? - I'll get it.

Boss, please.

Your bosses are all right!

Oh yes, not like before.

They've improved a lot.

Not bad at all!

How's yours? - Very good.

- Yeah. - Excellent.

It's abnormal!

No better place than France for this!

Cooked in beer!

What's he doing? What's he up to?

What are you doing?

Why are you doing that?

Aah!

Papa, the owner's coming.

M. Baron? A phone call for you.

Fine.

Does the Baron wish me to go in his place?

You're too kind, M...

Go and get that.

Hello?

Good evening...

Duchemin!

How's your tour going?

Don't you have a booth? - It's not free.

May I transmit your message to the Baron?

A message? Ah... Great idea.

I'm listening.

Don't you find it curious,

with a name like Duchemin* (on the road)

to have a son who plays the clown in a circus?

Could you repeat, I didn't get that?

You, old fox! You understood.

Your son will excuse himself, soon,

under pretext of a phone call. Trust me, follow him.

Who shall I say it's from?

It's from, "No Holds Barred"!

I'll transmit the message.

A prank call, M. Baron.

Quite.

Excuse me, I have a call to make.

Me too.

Me too.

Thank you!

For the next number, we need a volunteer.

Do we have a volunteer?

Me!

I can't hear you, kids.

MEEE!!

Ok, Jumbo choose one, himself.

Choose, Jumbo, choose.

All right, he has choosen! Sir, come on up.

Sit... voila!

Now Jumbo will give you a free shave.

Some lather!

Go Jumbo!

Well done, Jumbo!

That's it, Jumbo!

Go on Jumbo!

Aaaah, la la la laaah!

Watch out, you made a mistake!

You, get outta here!.

Look, that's the President of the Republic!

We've got to clean him up!

Ho...

Heave, ho!

Heave, ho!

Aargh!

Does it upset you, papa?

Don't worry, in the least.

Alright.

I'd rather have found out differently.

I tried to tell you, but...

How long have you been? ...Tataratataaa!

Since I took acting lessons, remember?

Yes.

You weren't too impressed.

I asked you to choose and you stayed with me.

Yeah then I started this. - Is it working out?

It's all right.

Pie in the face gags makes them laugh?

Yeah.

Oh!

Let's say, I took this bucket and, whoosh!...

theyd laugh?

Maybe, yes.

The gag failed. - Like you.

Maybe you didn't really wanna make them laugh.

Oh you have to WANT to make'em laugh? - Oh, yeah.

I don't want to make anyone laugh including myself.

So, continue with your Ta tata tataa...

Goodbye!

You're fired !

On with the show!

May I get through?

You didn't finish your dinner.

I'm not hungry. It was very good.

You must finish it. All of it!

Let me pass!

- No. - Whaddaya mean, no?

Follow me into the kitchen.

I forbid you to touch me!

Come!

Eat!

I won't eat it!

Oh, yes.

What's the meaning of this? - M. Duchemin.

- Who? - M. Duchemin.

Le Relais Des Cigales...

Remind you of anything?

Italian specialties.

Packed every day.

You took away my 2 stars!

Remember, now?

Oh, yes!

You ruined me.

EAT!

Not very good, hm?

Actually, quite bad.

Now, I'm just the manager.

And all day, I serve crap.

But Le Relais Des Cigales was already crap.

Maybe, but it was me who made it.

-Why, this isn't yours? - Ah, no!

Every morning,

the big boss's factory

sends it all

- Have you finished? - All finished, great!

Sit down! Now, you have totaste the rest.

There's, escargots!

Gina, serve the gentleman. - No, I'm fine.

EAT!

Go on, go... There!

Ah, very bad, huh?

One more... Another one.

Terrible, eh? Yes.

Gina, the oysters.

Voila. Go on, there's only 3.

A customer left them on his plate.

Eat up. Eat up. Go on, go...

What's wrong?

That's lovely!

Easy.

That's nice!

You sure they're fresh?

Ah, no! But there are only 3.

Next!

The cassoulet.

The sauerkraut. - Oh, no!

Go on!

Keep going.

Poached chicken!

Poached chicken! Poached chicken!

Poached chicken! Hey!

So, pretty disgusting food, eh?

-Hard to get used to. - Oh, but one must!

That's all there'll be pretty soon.

Now a little dessert.

- Ah, no, no. -You can do it.

Go on a little bit! - No!

You must. You will eat everything in the kitchen.

-I can't. -All of it!

So what do we do?

Continue the tour or go back to Paris?

We'll see tomorrow.

Hi, you were here?

In the audience, yes

Did you rat me out to my father?

No, I swear! I didn't know.

- Is this all yours? - More or less, yeah.

Don't you need a secretary?

We don't earn much

and my father's going to cut us off.

I'll give you a discount, huh?

What are you waiting for?

Nothing. I can't go up, my father kicked me out, so...

Come sleep with me.

With you? - Yes, in my room.

Don't be afraid. Nothing will happen to you.

Oh!

Just as friends, come. - Right, as friends.

No noise, I don't wanna run into my father.

Papa, what's wrong?

What is it? What happened?

What?

- Cilnic... - Huh?

A clinic?

Ah! You can't imagine...

Henri, drive me there in one piece

This way we'll arrive quicker, sir.

Oh, man! He pulled a carabine on me.

So, I ate it all!

- Gérard. - Yes, papa.

You won't let me down, eh?

- But papa, YOU fired my ass. - Can you wait till after the tv show?

Yeah, papa, you can fire me anytime, no problem.

You must eat, M. Duchemin. Look how lovely!

Oh no, later! Later.

I'll give you 2 shots

to stimulate your appetite. - No shots! No way!

The doctor promised!

Well, he ordered it. - The liar!

I hate shots. Doctor!

You shooter! Doctor!

Doctor!

Doctarrgh!

You're already better!

One more, M. Duchemin.

One more, one more.

- Gérard. - Yeah, papa.

Taste that.

What is it?

It's beef.

- Does it have flavor? - Yeah, beef flavored.

Those are green beans.

- Does it have flavor? -Yup, green bean flavoured.

Go to this restaurant, order all these dishes...

And I eat them?

You have them delivered here.

- For who? - For me.

M. Director? It's OK, I found him again.

Ah, not a moment too soon!

- Where? - In a clinic.

Clinic?! Why the hell is he in a clinic?

Being treated. - Treated for what?

That, I don't know.

We must find out!

- How? - I don't care. Handle it!

I know all these dishes perfectly.

I know where they're from. I tasted them dozens of times.

Let me taste one of them at random and don't say anything.

OK, let's go.

Open wide.

In your hand.

Another beer.

Your hand.

Gérard, I lost my taste! - No!

I have no more sense of taste.

It's like chewing cotton and drinking water.

Remember, I could recognise every ingredient?

Now, nothing!

What injections did you give him? - The prescribed ones, doctor.

It's tragic, doctor. I lost my taste.

I eat fish; I taste nothing. Meat, likewise.

Wine is like water.

What do I have doctor? Please, tell me!

Ageusia.

Who's that?

From the Greek: A - lacking. Geusis - taste.

Total or partial loss of the sense of taste.

- No! -It could last a long time.

That's tragic, doctor.

Oh no no, we'll give you intensive treatment!

But tomorrow, I appear on a tv show against Tricatel.

Then, inducted into the Academie Francaise.

If they find out that Charles Duchemin, prince of gastronomy

Director of the world famous Guide has lost his taste

the world will howl with laughter

Ageusia.

Ageusia?

He suffers from ageusia.

From...

'a' - meaning 'lack of' and 'geusis' in Greek - taste.

Loss of taste

'Course, ageusia - loss of taste. It's Greek.

What?! Duchemin lost his taste?

Absolutely, he can't tell what he's eating or drinking.

That's ageusia!

Are you sure?

I just saw him.

He's devastated and afraid it'll get out.

Duchemin without a sense of taste?

He doesn't want it to get out!

Hello, miss. M. Duchemin's room, please.

With a D.

Room 179, 3rd floor. Elevator's there.

Thank you.

Papa!

- Papa! - Whaaa...?

Journalists and photographers.

- Here?! - Downstairs, on their way up.

Papa, we gotta get outta here.

How?

Oh yeah, good point!

Oh, wait here!

- Let's take the stairs. - Yes, the service stairs.

I'm back!

Quick, hurry.

Get on this.

Aww! Where's he at?

Look, his name's on the chart.

You OK, papa?

Were are you taking me? - The parking lot.

That's him! Quick, after him!

Hang on, papa!

Papa!

No, don't touch him! No!

It's not him!

- Where is he? - Eh...

Let's go.

What's this.

What's this?

I don't want my picture taken. Don't insist!

-There you are! -There he is!

C'mon!

Hurry, papa!

Here we are.

You're fine here.

No journalist will look for you here.

I can't be in my pyjamas. - Why not?

Well, to go out!

Ok, I'll call Marguerite

and ask her to bring you a suit.

But in the meantime?

Meantime, sit there

and I'll get you something to wear.

Voila.

Hey!

That's Suzy, she doesn't like strangers.

Try these, they should fit.

Come baby.

Come, sweetie. Oop-la!

That's papa.

Not much better than pyjamas.

At least I can go out like this.

Papa, were are you going? Where are you going?

Let me go. I have to find something or Tricatel will...

Find what?

The factory. - What factory?

There's a plant where it all comes from. I must find it!

It's the only way out of this.

Papa, you're in no condition to go.

I can't even get angry anymore.

Oh, you can't get angry? Well, I can!

Get in the caravan, take your medication and wait till I get back.

Go!

If this factory's so well guarded, how can we penetrate it?

I have a system, but you're not coming.

So the old man's out of the loop?

He's useless, finished?

I didn't mean that, papa!

But it's very dangerous.

Oh no, you'll see!

You alright, papa?

I have vertigo.

Papa!

Close it!

Quick, close it!

No, I'm hanging here.

Marguerite, close it now.

Papa, we'll land in the middle of the plant.

So, my adversary hasn't arrived yet?

No, M. Tricatel, but don't worry.

If I know him, he's rallying his forces until the last minute.

He'll need all his forces with what I've got on him.

- Oh, really? - You'll be surprised.

Well, 20 minutes to go. You'll be sitting there.

-Here? - Yes.

I can't wait to begin.

Easy, easy.

See, it went smoothly.

Go ahead.

- Why send it back? - It can't stay here.

-How do we get out? -Aw! You'll see, come on.

Hey boss, look.

M. Tricatel? - Yes!

- Excuse my interruption. - Yes.

Plant Security Services just called.

Plant gone up in flames? - No.

They report two men managed to infiltrate the plant.

Never! Notify the police!

According to the report it's Duchemin and his son.

Duchemin is in my factory, right now?

Exactly.

Shall I inform the police? - No, you fool.

They can't leave that factory, at any cost!

You mean..?

We can stuff a few extra cans, no?

Go on.

-Voila. -Oh!

Try another? -Go.

They've started production unit number 3.

Oh! Look !

Pull.

Come on, come on.

- What's that? - My alarm watch.

-Why's it ringing? -Time for my shot.

Shall I? -No!

It's for your health. Ah, no!

Oh, my watch! - What about it?

- Get it. -No, come on.

Why send me after it?

Gérard !

Gérard !

Gérard, speak to me.

Not cold...

Not too cold, this time of year!

They're in the laboratory.

Cubic chickens and eggs!

Cubic eggs are easier to crate.

And featherless chickens!

Pre-plucked to save time and labor.

Taste.

Is that petroleum?

Exactly what it is. Exactly.

Now watch.

And voila, it's meat!

-Taste. -Ah, no!

-Taste! -Ah, no!

Slowly... don't catch them.

Herd them towards the freezer.

Stay out there.

They only have one other way out.

We can get down there.

They'r coming!

No, no, NO!

-It's a trap. -Really?

It's a trap. Give me your tie.

Easy. Ok.

That's it.

It's done. You can go now.

It's locked !

Hang on! This way.

You think they'll open the gate 'cause you're so charming?

No, I think they'll do anything to stop us.

So?

Who says we have to use the gate?

It worked.

The police.

They're coming straight at us. -They think I'll chicken out.

Good evening, sports fans.

I say 'sports fans', because,

while tonight's show may not be organised

by any athletic federation...

you can and should expect a lot of great sport tonight.

So this evening, no holds are barred.

We made an extra 150 cans at the factory tonight, sir.

Perfect.

M. Tricatel, you're on.

On the left of your screen,

the emperor of industrial cuisine...

the Napoleon of take-out...

Tricatel !

Thank you, thank you.

On your right, you'll see in a few seconds,

the publisher of the guide bearing his name...

famous author and redoutable critic...

Charles Duchemin!

Faster, we're late! - No, papa!

A little setback. M. Duchemin hasn't arrived yet.

This cop-out doesn't really surprise me.

And why is that, M. Tricatel?

He's afraid of me.

Because this man who distributes stars

and takes them away...

a man who judges and condemns...

a man who pretends to represent all of French cuisine...

this man, and I know this from impeccable sources,...

this man is incapable telling the difference between

a sole meuniere and a Potée auvergnate (stew)

Between a great Bordeaux and a little cider.

We prepared everything on that table to put him to the test.

If he shows up.

Duchemin will not come, because he no longer exists.

What he represents, doesn't exist.

Complicated cuisine.

For the privileged few, even more complicated.

I... feed millions of people!

And tomorrow...

perhaps I'll feed the entire world.

Simply.

Naturally.

And the likes of Duchemin will not prove me wrong.

Well, M. Tricatel, you were wrong.

I announce the arrival of Charles Duchemin.

Music!

I don't see him. Is that Duchemin?

It's shameful. An impostor.

That isn't Duchemin!

Please, M. Tricatel,

all France is watching. A little dignity.

Dignity my ass. I want the real Duchemin.

You're not M. Duchemin?

I'm Gérard Duchemin, Director of the Duchemin Guide.

The Director of the Duchemin Guide is 'Charles' Duchemin.

He was...

He retired today and I, his son, am replacing him.

Retired today? -Voila, exactly.

Who can prove it? - Me!

That's him, Charles Duchemin! He has to pass the tests!

I'm retired. - Oh sure, today!

Exactly. Address my son, you murderer!

- What?! -Poisoner!

Please, a little order. M. Tricatel back to your seat.

And you, sir, since your son replaced you,

would you kindly leave the stage.

Absolutely, I'll disappear.

-Don't worry, you'll do it. -I don't have your palate or your nose

All I know, my father transmitted to me.

He got it from his father, etc... going way back.

You can't just drop the ball !

Alright, I'll try.

Beef shank from Argentina, 3 years old.

Exact.

Turbot in wine.

A bit overcooked.

Exact.

Right... supposedly a southern of French wine...

actually composed of a third Italian wine, a third Greek wine...

and the rest; colorants and other chemical products.

Which M. Tricatel sells abundantly, to his large clientele.

Careful, it stains!

Exact.

Excuse me, M. Duchemin, I'd like to show you something.

-Me? -Yes.

Look.

There... it might interest you.

I recorded it before the show by chance as a camera check.

-...infiltrated the plant. - Never, turn them over to the police.

The report says it's Duchemin and his son.

Duchemin is in my factory, right now?

M. Duchemin, I think your son's in trouble.

Ah, no! He's not allowed !

It's not allowed !

Lovely vermillion skirt.

A touch of purple.

Good shine.

It's a Bordeau.

A Grand Bordeau.

A bit of noble rot in suspension.

Impurities settle slowly.

This wine is 23 years old.

It's a '53, a great year.

Wine is the soil.

This one is slightly gravelly.

It's a Médoc.

Wine is also the sunlight.

This wine benefited from a lovely south-western exposure

at the right slope.

It's a...

Saint-Julien...

Château Léoville Las Cases, 1953.

Exact.

Your turn, M. Tricatel. Try and pass the test.

Out of the question. I'm not a critic!

But you feed others. It's even more serious.

Don't you know what you feed them?

Does M. Tricatel eat at restaurants to which I've given 3 stars?

Ah, M. Tricatel, do your part.

Oho, mm...

Mm! Eat this.

Disgusting, eh?

Let's move on to the grilled fish.

So, if I may,

now I'd like to ask you to formulate a judgement on these products.

It's vile!

Absolutely, unspeakable!

They tried to poison me!

That's not food.

Exactly! It's one your products

and millions of people eat it every day.

Impossible! Absolutely impossible.

We got it at your factory an hour ago. - That's false!

It's true! And you know it.

Know? Wha...?

M. Bouvard, could you have them run

the sequence recorded before the program started. -

- Run it. -Thank you

M. Tricatel. -Yes.

They report two men managed to infiltrate the plant.

Never! Notify the police!

According to the report it's Duchemin and his son.

Duchemin is in my factory, right now?

Exactly.

Shall I inform the police? - No, you fool.

They can't leave that factory, at any cost!

You mean..?

We can stuff a few extra cans, no?

...trim few threads and we're all done.

Hurry. I'll never be ready if you keep talking.

M. Duchemin, without you. How could I fit this?

-Well, go faster. -I do what's humanly possible.

- Yes. -Hello, papa.

How do I look?

Good. Great!

They didn't overlook you.

Magnificent!

Why are you leaving me? - Papa, we talked about that.

Is it definite?

Yes, yes, yes and yes.

You don't wish, one day, to wear a suit like this?

Ah, no, thanks. I have my own.

It's better than your clown suit! - Yeah, but not by much.

Is that your farewell gift? - No, it's for Marguerite.

She'll be overjoyed. Marguerite! My son has a giftt for you.

You know, Gérard...

I knew you hadn't forgotten me.

Ah, I hired the other Marguerite

and she's definitely staying here

Ah!

I need help. I hope you understand.

Yes, you're right, papa.

Is your decision still, so irrevocable?

Eough!

Could I think about it a bit?

All the time you want.

However you, get moving! Snap to it!

I hope this luncheon will honor...

the one we welcome today...

that worthy defender of French gastronomy.

That talented writer

who sings, in our own language,

the praises of our national cuisine.

Charles Duchemin...

to whom I say...

according to sacred rite:

"Bon appétit, Monsieur l'Academicien."

Thank you.

Chausson of Truffles a l'Imperiale, a recipe by Charles Duchemin.