All language subtitles for The.Stepford.Wives.2004e

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Ladies and gentlemen,
I would now like to introduce

a legend in our industry.

She's the most successful president
in the history of our network

and, for the past five years, has kept us
at the very top of the ratings.

She's our maverick, our wild card,

and today she's going to take us
right to the edge.

Please welcome a giant, a genius

and the hardest-working person
in television,

Joanna Eberhart!

Thank you all so much!

Thank you!

- Joanna!
- That feels good.

Especially coming from
such a fantastic group of people

from all across our great nation,
our network affiliates.

Give yourselves a great big hand.

You deserve it!

I want a big, fat Christmas bonus!

Just kidding. But not really, because...

I am so excited, I am so on fire,

I am so guts-and-glory passionate
about what I am about to show you.

So get ready, because on Monday nights,

the whole world will be watching
a man, a woman and a buzzer.

Are you ready
for the final gender challenge?

- Who makes more money?
- I do.

Who enters Ironman triathlons
every year and wins?

I do.

Who wishes they were married
to a sexy lesbian?

- I do.
- I do.

It's Tara!

And...

on Thursdays...

No, this is not just a TV show.

No, this is a breakthrough,
breakout, break-all-the-rules,

bring-on-the-Emmys mega-smash!

Yes!

Can I present to you this planet's
ultimate reality phenomenon?

I Can Do Better.

We will be right there
as happily married couples

are flown first class
to a tropical island paradise,

where they will be completely surrounded
by professional prostitutes.

And at the end of the week...
Well, let's take a peek.

It's been a week and Hank,
our personnel manager from Omaha,

has spent the entire seven days
with Vanessa,

a call girl and exotic dancer.

Yeah, it's been amazing.

And I'll admit we've had some fun
in the hot tub and all.

But do you want to know something?
All we did was talk.

Because I love my wife.

And the only place I want to be
is back in Omaha with my Barbara.

Tough break, Nessa.

Barbara, you spent Monday with Rocky,
our bodybuilder and male escort,

Tuesday through Thursday with the entire
cast of the Triple X film Hung Jury,

and you spent the entire weekend
with Tonkiro.

Now it's time for the final decision.
Barbara, it's yours to make.

Is it gonna be Omaha?

Or Omahunks?

Well...

Before I came on this show,
I only had sex with one man,

and that was usually Hank.

I love Hank deeply and forever
with all my heart,

and I would never do anything to hurt him.

But I can do better!

The battle of the sexes!
As old as time but as current...

Why?

Uh, excuse me?

Why did you do it?

Oh, my God!
It's Hank from I Can Do Better.

Hank, everyone!

No, stop it!

I love Barbara.
I had a family. I had a life.

Hank, I know it hurts.

Love isn't easy.

Relationships aren't easy, not for anyone.

But now you know the truth about Barbara.

You are gonna move on with your life
and you're gonna meet someone wonderful,

and America is gonna love you.

Yes.

Whoo!

Yeah. I got a great idea
for another hot new show.

- Tell it to us.
- It's called...

- Let's Kill All The Women.
- He's got a gun!

Oh, my God!

Joanna, are you all right?

I am great, raring to go.
The police were sensational.

- And not a scratch.
- You haven't heard.

About what?

That man Hank.

Right before he tried to kill you,
he went to see his ex-wife

and five of her new boyfriends.

- He did?
- He shot all of them.

The wife is in critical condition
and four guys are on life-support.

- Tonkiro?
- He's fine.

- Thank God.
- So you know what this means.

Of course.

We pay for their medical treatment,
every penny,

we get them the very best therapists,
childcare, rehab, whatever they need.

We fly them to New York,
first class, for a prime time special:

Hank and Barbara: Let The Healing Begin.

You're not listening. We can't wear this.

The lawsuits alone
may bankrupt the network.

All your new shows, the whole lineup,
the affiliates won't touch them.

We have shareholders.

We can't let you sink the network.

But we wish you only the best.

Of course.

Thank you for being so classy
and taking this so well.

Joanna, we just wanted to say
that this is so not fair.

Goodbye, everybody!

All the best!

Jo.

Ah, Walter.

- What happened?
- Well...

- You had a complete nervous collapse.
- Oh.

The doctors say there's a lot of work
to do, but you're going to be just fine.

And Pete made this for you.

- Ah, that's so sweet.
- Isn't it?

And I wanted you to know that,
the minute I heard the news,

I called the network and I quit.

- You did that for me?
- Of course.

I know I was only a vice president,

but I could never work for those people.

Not after the way they treated you.

- Walter.
- Do you remember what today is?

It's our anniversary.

Oh, Walter.

I'm so sorry.

Maybe that man who tried to shoot me,
maybe he was right.

Maybe I've become the wrong kind of woman.

Maybe I've made
all of the wrong decisions.

Could we get away and start over?

And get it right, our marriage?

- But why are we moving?
- To Connecticut?

We're moving so we can all kick back

and have a great new life
in this beautiful new town.

- Name?
- Kresby.

- Welcome to Stepford.
- Thanks.

- What do you think, guys?
- Good.

Honey?

Hello, everyone. I'm Mrs. Wellington.

Welcome to Stepford.

I'm with Stepford Realty.
We spoke on the phone.

- You must be Walter.
- So nice to meet you in person.

And the little ones. I bet you're Pete.

- Duh.
- Pete.

- He's every bit as handsome as his dad.
- Thank you.

Kimberly! Aren't you just
the cutest little bug's ear?

Bugs don't have ears.

Isn't she sassy? And a little sad.

And this must be Joanna.

- Electroshock?
- But she's doing great.

Hello, little Energizer.

The minute Walter called, I knew
this was the perfect house for you.

It's the top of the line,
here at Stepford Estates,

and it's got everything
an American family could ever need.

- And may I present to you...
- Look at this!

- This is amazing!
- ...the Great Room.

I call it cozy.

And it's also a smart house.

Now, this controls the security system.

- All secure.
- It talks to the refrigerator.

We need juice.

The system also monitors all the commodes,

where it will test your urine
for blood sugar, protein and body fat.

Flush toilets.

Isn't that great, kids?

- I'm gonna go check my room!
- Me, too!

- Now, Walter, will you be commuting?
- No.

No. Joanna and I both left the network.

Look, the puppy.

Robo Rover 3000. Come on, boy, come on!

Come on, come on!

Joanna!

The town is over 200 years old.

It was founded by George Washington,
and Martha just loved it.

Stepford is Connecticut's family paradise.

It has no crime,
no poverty and no pushing.

What is that? Up on the hill?

That's our Stepford Men's Association,

where all our wonderful guys can
get together and stay out of our hair.

Am I right?

- Where do the women go?
- To the Simply Stepford Day Spa.

Good morning, ladies.

Good morning, Claire.

I would like you all to welcome
our newest citizen to Stepford.

- Joanna.
- Good morning, Joanna.

- Are we ready to work out?
- Oh, yes!

Places and poles, please.

Wait. You work out dressed like this?

Well, of course.

Whatever we do,
we always want to look our very best.

I mean,
why, imagine if our husbands saw us

in worn, dark, urban sweat clothes,

with stringy hair and almost no makeup.

Oh, good heavens.

Now, today you are in for a special treat.

Because we are working on a series of
exercises which I personally invented,

based on simple, household tasks.

I call my program Claireobics.

Because her name is Claire.

All right, now it's time
to slim and scrub.

Let's all be washing machines.

And...

Chuga, chuga, chuga
Chuga, chuga, chuga

Chuga, chuga, chuga
Chuga, chuga, chuga

Chuga, chuga, chuga
Chuga, chuga, chuga

Chuga, chuga, chuga
Chuga, chuga, chuga

Come on, Joanna!

Spin cycle, ladies. And... whoosh!

And... whoosh!

And... whoosh!

And... whoosh!

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

- Who's the man?
- You the man. You the man.

- Walter?
- How're you?

- Walter Kresby.
- Good to see you.

I'm Stan Peters. Come in.
Mike said you were coming...

Hear ye, hear ye! Come one, come all.

And happy Fourth of July.

At 1:30 will be the children's
Stars and Stripes face-painting...

Isn't this great?

A real, old-fashioned town picnic.
You can't get this in Manhattan.

Which is why we're gonna stay ten minutes,

make an appearance and get out of here.

Kids, I'm really sorry about this,
but let's try and have fun.

- Mom, it's a picnic.
- Chill.

Go ahead, have fun.

- Ten minutes?
- Walter, you just don't get it.

These women are deranged,
flight attendant-friendly.

- They're gonna be all over me.
- Joanna!

Here we go.

- Hi, Joanna...
- Hi.

- Hi, Walter.
- Hi.

- You look great.
- I love you in khakis.

They're new. A little experiment.

Now I know why
they call it Banana Republic.

Excuse me! Excuse me. Excuse me, ladies.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me!

Am I the only one
who finds all of this disturbing?

We are celebrating our nation's birthday.
But there are no African-Americans,

no Native-Americans, no Asian-Americans...

Oh, my God! Hey.

You're Joanna Eberhart.
You got such a raw deal.

Aren't you Bobbie Markowitz?
I love your books.

Especially the last one, about
your relationship with your mother.

- I Love You, But Please Die.
- Hey, baby.

Baby, look what I did. Look.

Happy Fourth of July, everybody.

- Excuse me. Is this guy bothering you?
- Yes, he's my husband.

- Hey, Kresbo-man.
- Hey, Dave.

- How do you know each other?
- Men's Association.

That place.

- Finish the laundry?
- I finished a chapter.

- Did you make sandwiches?
- Did you?

- Where are the kids?
- What kids?

- Are you two okay?
- We're fine.

- Come on, I need a cookie.
- See what I mean?

Jerry, it's a bake sale.
An actual bake sale.

It's like some sort of heavenly diorama
at the Smithsonian,

in the Hall of Homemakers.

Oh, no. Stop it.

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

- That is not cobbler!
- Roger...

Could we reel it in
a couple of hundred yards?

How do you keep your figures?

Is there a huge vat of cobbler vomit
somewhere? But worth it?

- Roger?
- I'm sorry.

- That is...
- It's fabulous.

- Jerry thinks that I overdo everything.
- Excuse me.

- Aren't you Roger Bannister?
- The amazing architect, from The Times?

- Thank you. This is Jerry Harmon.
- Corporate attorney.

- But he's getting the help he needs.
- Stop it.

- We're new.
- Oh, my God. Joanna Eberhart.

- I love the shows.
- Thank you.

And Bobbie Markowitz. Love the books.

How did this happen?
Where did you come from?

I mean, right here in Stepford: people!

Attention! Fourth of July funsters!

Grab your partners,

'cause it's time for some sizzling
Stepford square dancing! So come on in!

- A square dance?
- Cowgirls?

- We're in hell.
- Yeah.

- Come on, Bobbie.
- Oh, Dave...

- Howdy!
- Howdy!

Is everyone ready to kick up your heels

for some barn-bustin'
Stepford high steppin'?

Yeah!

Okay.

Bow to your partners, lose your cares

Stepford stallions love their mares

Alamen left, alamen right

Rope that filly, she won't bite

All join hands and circle sweet

Please your cowboy with your feet

- Nice shirt, Stan!
- Thanks.

Yippee-ky-ay.

Yippee-ky-ay, yippee-ky-ay.

- Yippee-ky-ay.
- Honey...

- Calm down, baby.
- Yippee-ky-ay.

Do-si-do, do-si-do. Do-si-do, do-si-do.

- Back up, guys.
- Do-si-do, do-si-do.

- Jesus!
- Do-si-do, do-si-do.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

- It's okay.
- Excuse me!

Right, okay. Don't try to move her,
make sure her windpipe is clear...

- She's drunk.
- She's blonde.

You're not a doctor.

I can take care of this.

- I ran a network.
- Somebody call 911?

- Mike's here.
- Mike.

- Mike!
- Do-si-do, do-si-do.

- Mike.
- It's okay. I'm here.

Walt, the missus.

- Jo.
- The missus?

Walter, what is your problem?

I'm... Hey!

Uh, excuse...

What was that?

Herb, Dave, give me a hand
and get Sarah right into my Hummer.

- Your Hummer?
- It's a sweet ride.

- It's roomy.
- We need an ambulance.

You shouldn't be moving her.
She might need oxygen, paramedics...

- Everything isn't always about you.
- Walter.

She'll be fine.
It's too much sun, she's dehydrated.

Dehydrated? Are you crazy?

- Jo! Sorry about this, Mike.
- Joanna...

This is a very special moment.
I would like you to meet...

- Mike Wellington.
- My husband.

- Oh.
- You must be the famous Joanna.

You're even prettier than in the
newspapers. They don't do you justice.

That woman is very sick.
I should be going with her.

She'll get all the help she needs.
Trust me, little lady.

That woman had a seizure
and she was practically levitating.

I have told you five million times,
I phoned Herb.

He said that Sarah is fine, she just
needed some fluids, like Mike said.

- She was sparking.
- She was dancing.

Why wasn't there a doctor?

- And why...
- The kids.

Why...

Walter. Walter.

Why did everyone automatically
listen to that Mike person?

Why was everyone standing there?

You mean,
why weren't they listening to you?

- That's not what I'm saying!
- Jesus Christ, Joanna.

- What?
- You were fired.

Your kids barely know you
and our marriage is falling apart.

Your attitude
makes people want to kill you.

It makes people try to kill you.
That's what we're doing here.

The people in this town
have been nothing but friendly

and welcoming and wonderful to you.

And you've been nothing
but snide and suspicious.

And at the picnic, you humiliated me.
Well, I can't do it anymore.

I can't keep fighting you
for every inch of everything.

Game over. Marriage over.

No!

- No!
- No, what?

Please don't go.

- Why not?
- Because you're right.

Wait, I'm sorry. I don't think
I heard that. What did you just say?

- I said, "You're right."
- About?

About everything.

Oh. About me.

Do you know why I signed on
at the network?

'Cause I thought that if I was around,
I could help you lighten up.

- You did?
- Yeah, I did.

What was that one show called?
I Can Do Everybody.

See, that's what I mean.
I wanted to make you laugh.

That's so sweet, but I...

I was busy,
I was running a network, Walter.

You were so busy that
we haven't made love in over a year.

- I know.
- Well, I miss you.

But I've always loved you so much, I...

You know that.

Why?

Because. Because...

you're goofy and you're...

you're handsome and you're...

You're my Walter.

And because when you play computer chess,

you do that little... victory dance.

- I do not.
- Yes, you do.

No, I don't.

Mm-hmm.

If I'm not the smartest,
and the best of the best,

and the most successful,
then I don't know, who am I?

Do you want to find out?

How?

First of all, we're in the country now,
so no more black.

- No more black? Are you insane?
- You heard me.

Only high-powered, neurotic, castrating
Manhattan career bitches wear black.

Is that what you want to be?

Ever since I was a little girl.

Do I really look okay?

- Can I be honest?
- Mm-hmm.

- You look kinda like Betty Crocker.
- I know.

- At Betty Ford.
- We need milk.

Thank you. I'm trying
to make an effort to change.

Last night,
my husband was a different person.

He was strong, he was forceful.

- He was commanding.
- Like your refrigerator.

Nobody said it was going to be easy,

being a homemaker and a stay-at-home mom.

It's the toughest job in the world, right?

That may be, but these Stepford women,
they're a whole other dimension.

Like yesterday.
That poor lady, Sarah Sunderson.

Walter said she's fine.

You said she was shooting off
sparks from her ears.

- That's the first sign.
- Of what?

Cheap jewelry.

- We should go see her.
- Why?

Because we need to be supportive.

That's how people behave outside of
Manhattan. They care about each other.

In New York, if one of your neighbors
got sick, what would you do?

- Call her.
- To see if she was gonna die.

- So we could get the apartment.
- Let's go.

Up! Up! Up!

Sarah?

Yoo-hoo.

Yoo-hoo?

- Is she in there?
- Roger!

- It's open.
- That's amazing.

- That's so sweet.
- And so trusting.

- Roger.
- Look at this place.

Sarah? Sarah?

Oh, Herb!

Roger!

Oh, Herb!

Oh, yes! Oh, yes!

- Make me beg!
- Yeah!

I'm so lucky!

- Oh, my God!
- Is that a DVD?

No, it's them.

You're the king!

Yes!

I'm going up there.

- Why?
- I want some.

Roger!

- Baby, grab me some nachos.
- Yes, dear.

We should get out of here!

What's this?

- Roger, put it down.
- What? Oh, come on.

Roger.

Why does it say "Sarah"?

Put it down.

Let's get out of here. This is not right.

- Roger, come on.
- For God's sake!

- We're trespassing!
- We have to get out of here.

- Okay, it's totally useless.
- Come on, we have to go!

- Oh, my God.
- Hurry, hurry, hurry.

I can't believe we did that.

I'm so embarrassed.

I'm mortified. I'm famished.

- Bobbie!
- Yeah?

Are you making anthrax?

Excuse me? I've been busy. My new book.

But can't you hire someone to clean?
Someone brave?

Dave says I gotta do it myself,
like Sarah Sunderson.

- Could you believe her?
- Darling, her home is spotless.

And she's having incredible sex in
the middle of the day with her husband.

I'm sorry, but my shrink says
I need creative chaos.

My therapist says I need boundaries.

My doctor said I need enough
electricity to jump-start Vegas.

- Have you ever done Zoloft?
- Kid stuff.

Xanax. I worship Xanax. I'm old-fashioned.

I like Prozac with a Viagra chaser.
You're up and you're up!

- Oh, Roger.
- Viagra!

Hey, is there something
that you need to tell us?

Well...

Sharing! Okay.

Jerry and I have been
at couples counseling, for over a year.

And finally,
I just couldn't take it anymore.

I howled,
"You've became a gay Republican."

And he said, "What's wrong with that?"

I said, "That's like wanting to be gay
with a bad haircut."

Exactly.

The counselor suggested
we move to the 'burbs.

- To find a balance.
- We moved here as a last resort.

Court order. Don't ask.

Okay. I know this is unthinkable,

but what if we could actually learn
how to be happy?

Without Paxil, or compulsive overeating.

What if we gave this whole thing a try?

For real. The whole Stepford thing.

Whoo!

Hey, yeah!

Only one can survive.

Zeus! Zeus! Zeus!

Let's go, baby. Rip her bra off!

Yeah!

Zeus rules the universe!

And Ted owes Walter 20 big ones.

- Ah! To be a man!
- Whoo!

So, Walt.

You and Stepford.
It seems like a real match.

I'll say. I mean, the town and the houses.

This place.

It's like a dream. It's like...
the way life was meant to be.

And all of your wives. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. They're so... So, um...

Sweet?

Sizzlin'?

Superfine.

Well...

We are all so thrilled to be here

at the Stepford Book Club,
I can't tell you.

Now, I have just finished the third volume
of Robert Caro's "Life of Lyndon Johnson,"

and I am dying for the next installment.

Well, that's all marvelous.

But today we are going to discuss...

Well, it is probably the most important
book any of us will ever read.

Yes, it is provocative,
but it is also inspiring.

The Heritage Hill Special Edition
Golden Deluxe Treasury

of Christmas Keepsakes and Collectibles.

This book said to me, "Let's celebrate
the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ

- with yarn."
- Yarn.

Now, Bobbie, we realize you're probably
feeling a bit uncomfortable

with this week's book, because you're...

- What's the word I'm looking for?
- New?

- Scared?
- Cranky?

- Jewish.
- Same thing.

But the Heritage Hill series
is very inclusive.

In fact, there is a whole chapter
about Chanukah.

I just loved the chapter on pine cones.

They're not just
for wreaths and centerpieces.

You can use pine cones to create
a very special Yuletide menorah.

Your pine cone snowman could be Jewish.
Just add a beanie.

Or maybe I could use hundreds
of pine cones to spell out the words,

"Big Jew" in letters 15 feet tall
in the snow on my front yard.

That's a wonderful idea.

- That's fantastic.
- So sweet!

I love the idea of creating a life-size
Santa Claus all out of pine cones.

Okay, I love that.

I'm going to use a pine cone
in my Nativity as the baby Jesus.

I'm going to attach
a pine cone to my vibrator

and have a really Merry Christmas.

Here comes Santa Claus
Right down Santa Clause Lane

He's got a bag that's filled with toys
For boys and girls again

Hear those sleigh bells jingle jangle
Oh, what a beautiful sight

So jump in bed, cover up your head
Santa Claus comes tonight!

Santa Claus comes tonight

- Joanna, how's she fitting in?
- Well...

Okay.

- I'm among friends, right?
- Of course.

So...

Joanna and I had this big talk.

And we were really open
with each other, I mean...

We really got it all out.

And I think from now on,

she's going to be very, very different.

You think Joanna's really going to change?

Yes, I do. Absolutely.

And how long have you been married?

- Ted.
- Yes?

Don't you owe Walter $20?

That's absolutely right, I do.

Babe!

Yes, darling?

Walt, sit down.

I need 20.

- You know my PIN.
- Of course.

She gives singles.

Are these all for day camp tomorrow?

I want you to be proud of me, honey.

Watch this.

Ball.

- Aren't robots cool?
- Oh, yeah.

May I speak to the man of the house?

- Stud bud!
- Funkmaster Markowitz!

- Stone Cold Thrilla Killa Kresbo!
- Cupcakes anyone?

- Cupcakes!
- Cupcakes. Right on time.

Jo, these are smokin'.
Why don't you make stuff like this?

- Why don't you?
- Because I have a penis.

- We should get moving.
- We've got a meeting.

- At the Men's Association.
- When will you be home, honey?

When I'm home.

Call a sitter!

Bobbie, are you sure about this?

We're not spying. We're just visiting.

Fellas, I can't tell you how happy we are
to welcome all of this new blood.

- You said it.
- That's right.

I love, love this space.

It's very Ralph Lauren
meets Sherlock Holmes.

- It says, "I have taste and a scrotum."
- You promised.

- Whore.
- Bore.

- Sorry.
- No, Jerry.

You're gonna find Stepford
is very open-minded.

We welcome you and your partner
just like any other couple.

- Absolutely.
- Sure.

- That's right.
- Girlfriend.

Miss... Miss Thing.

- To Stepford!
- Stepford!

Damn! Come on, let's go.

You think this is all right,
sneaking around?

Add it up.

All the women around here
are perfect sex kitten bimbos.

All the men are drooling nerds.
Doesn't that seem strange?

- Not to me.
- Why not?

- I work in television.
- Oh, come on.

I think Joanna's right.
I think Stepford is the answer.

- She's a great gal.
- Or she will be.

Come on, help me up.

- We shouldn't be here.
- Oh, come on.

- Don't be such a chicken.
- I should be home with my cupcakes.

Why? Because you only made 5,000 of them?

- We're trespassing.
- Only if we get caught.

Damn, I can't see a thing.

- There's the light, there it is.
- No, Bobbie...

It's like some alien freak show.

Why? They're just family portraits.

That's what I said.

The lights!

We should get out of here.

Should we run?

Oh, my God.

Clarice?

- Hi, girls!
- Roger!

- You scared us!
- What are you doing?

What's going on?

Do they have hookers,
or old Playboys or cable porn?

Oh, please,
they barely have throw pillows.

- They're coming!
- The menfolk.

- Call us.
- Okay.

Rog?

What was it? Did you see anyone?

Not a soul. But what's back here, anyway?

In all of these rooms? Storage? Sweaters?

Bodies?

- Jerry.
- You see that door on your left?

Check it out.

Oh, boy.

- I can't see anything, it's dark.
- Use your flashlight.

I feel like Nancy Drew
in The Mystery of the Mid-life Crisis.

- What am I looking for?
- Look down.

Jerry?

Roger!

- Roger.
- Bobbie.

- Roger.
- Bobbie.

Roger!

Roger said there was nothing going on
at the Men's Association.

Why doesn't he answer the phone?
It's been two days.

Roger. Roger!

Isn't that his favorite shirt?
The Dolce & Gabbana?

His Guccis. And the Versace.

- Maybe he's donating.
- To what? The gay homeless?

He loved this.

His program from Hairspray.

- Oh, my God.
- What is it?

Viggo!

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm Jerry Harmon.

I know I'm pretty new here,
but already I feel so at home.

Why did Jerry ask us to meet him here?

...proud that I can introduce Stepford's
brand-new candidate for state senate.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you Mr. Roger Bannister!

What?

He's wonderful.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

You may very well ask, what are
my qualifications for higher office?

I believe in Stepford,
America and the power of prayer.

Values I've discovered,
thanks to my partner,

in life and in the Lord, Jerry Harmon.

Roger! Roger!

Yes, is there a question? Mrs. Markowitz.

- So you two are happy now?
- More than ever.

Because now I know being gay
doesn't mean a guy has to be effeminate

or flamboyant or sensitive.

- I'm no sissy.
- No!

Way to go, Roger!

- Roger!
- Yes, Mrs. Walter Kresby.

I don't understand. You were out there,
you were Roger, and now...

You're different. Your hair, your clothes.
You're like someone else.

- People change.
- You can't stop Stepford!

You can't stop Stepford!

You can't stop Stepford!

You can't stop Stepford!
You can't stop Stepford!

You can't stop Stepford!
You can't stop Stepford!

You can't stop Stepford!
You can't stop Stepford!

That's why we have to leave Stepford?
I'm not following.

Okay. Before, Roger was witty
and stylish and ironic.

- And I'm sure he still is.
- No!

Now he's making speeches
in a Brooks Brothers suit.

There's lots of ways to be gay.
Don't try to make him into a stereotype.

Bobbie is right. And she's leaving too.

This place does something to people.

All of the women are always busy
and perfect and smiling.

- All the men are always happy.
- And that's a problem because...

Because it's not normal.

It's not the world. It's not us.

And I'm picking up our kids
from camp right now

and we're getting out of here.

With or without you.

Secure.

You'll never change, will you?

Not really.

Open the door.

Unlock front.

And you're right.

About what?

If you're that unhappy,
then we should move.

Maybe head back to the city.

We could leave tomorrow.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Huh?

What you got there? Huh?

Sweetcakes?

It's 4:00 am. What are you up to?

Just recipes for tomorrow.
I'd like to get a head start.

- On what?
- Apple pie. Bobbie recommended it.

I'll be right up.

Walter?

Babe?

Bobbie? Bobbie!

Oh, my God.

Bobbie?

Good morning, Joanna.

Isn't it a lovely morning?

That's a pretty color.

- Mom!
- Good morning, my precious ones.

And thank you for leaving
your requests on my email.

Adam, you wanted
peanut butter and jelly, no crusts,

a Snickers bar and a Rolex.

Ben, here's a whole-wheat burrito,
a soy protein shake

and three pieces
of German chocolate layer cake.

- From scratch?
- Of course.

And Max, you get bacon, lettuce
and tomato on a lightly-toasted bagel.

- What about my action figures?
- There's Mace Windu and Amidala.

- Where's Boba Fett?
- They were out.

- Mom!
- Here's $500.

All right.

- Bye, Mom.
- Bye, Joanna.

They grow up so fast.
I think I'll have three more.

Bobbie, listen to me.
What have they done to you?

What have they done to you? Is it drugs?

Is it brainwashing?

- Come on, talk to me.
- Of course, but only for a minute.

Then I have to get to work on this pigsty.

- Coffee?
- No. No coffee.

Bobbie, last night I went online.

I found out that all of the women here
used to be big deals.

I mean, big deals.
CEOs, executives, judges.

Sarah Sunderson,
she used to run an airline.

With that perfect skin?

No! She didn't use to look like that.
None of the women did...

- Coffee?
- No! No coffee!

Bobbie. Bobbie.

- This isn't you.
- That's right, Joanna.

This isn't me. It's a whole new me.

I'm happy and I'm healthy because
I understand what's important in life.

Yes, your new book.

That's what's important. My new cookbook.

And my husband, and my family,
and making a perfect home.

It's a lesson every gal
needs to learn, especially you.

I'm your friend, Joanna.
I'm going to help you.

- You need me.
- Stay away from me.

- You're driven.
- Sometimes.

And you're selfish.

- You want to rule the world.
- No.

I can fix you. I can change you.

What have they done to you?

Let's get busy.

Answer the phone.

Hello. Is this the day camp? Oh.

Yes, this is Joanna Eberhart.
I would like to speak to my children.

I'm coming to pick them up right now.

What?

Walter!

Walter, where are you?

I know you've got the kids.

Pete? Kimberly?

Oh, boys!

Welcome.

- Where are my children?
- They're perfectly safe.

Where are my children?

- You'll see them soon.
- Where's Walter?

How could you do this?

Ever since we met,
you've beaten me at everything.

You're better educated,

you're stronger, you're faster,

you're a better dancer,
a better tennis player.

You've always earned at least six
figures more than I could ever dream of.

You're a better speaker,
a better executive.

You're even better at sex. Don't deny it.

I wasn't going to.

- Well, don't I get anything?
- You got me.

No, I got to hold your purse.

I got to tell the kids
that you'd be late again.

I got to tell the press
that you had no comment.

- I got to work for you.
- With me.

Under you!

All of us. We married Wonder Women.

Supergirls. Amazon queens.

You know what that makes us?

Smart. Worthy. Lucky.

We're the wuss.

The wind beneath your wings.
Your support system.

- We're the girl.
- And we don't like it!

- You're damn right.
- We're men.

And is this your answer? To kill us?

No, nothing like that.
We help you. We perfect you.

By turning us into robots?

Does any fraction
of these women still exist?

Of course. Almost everything.

- Should we show her?
- Show me what?

It's a promotional thing I've been
working on for when we go global.

Walt, I don't think you've seen this.

Some guys ask, "How do we do it?"

In layman's terms,
it's really pretty simple.

Come on along.

First, we take a gloomy,
dissatisfied woman.

Then in a very private experience
between husband and wife,

he gently places her
in our Female Improvement System.

It's fully automated.

And then, abracadabra,

her transformation begins.

First, we locate her brain.

We insert a few nano-chips.

Then we program them.

Also we add some
secret special ingredients.

To avoid any accidents,

the husband is kept
at a comfortable distance.

Safety first.

Finally, we enhance her

to fit the ideal
Stepford wife specifications.

And...

voilà!

Everything is copacetic!

Welcome to the future.

- It's a painting again.
- What?

I should explain.
You see, my real name isn't Mike.

It's just a nickname
from where I used to work.

Where?

- Microsoft.
- NASA.

- Disney.
- AOL.

- Is that why the women are so slow?
- Joanna.

Is this what you really want?

Women who behave like slaves?

Women who are obsessed with cleaning
their kitchens and doing their hair.

Women who never challenge you in any way.

Women who exist only
to wait on you hand and foot.

- Yeah.
- That's right.

Joanna, you're a brilliant woman.

Surely you can appreciate, at the
very least, the genius of the concept.

Picture it.
If you could streamline your spouse,

if you could overhaul every
annoying habit, every physical flaw,

every moment, the whining and nagging,
the farting in bed.

Imagine if you could enjoy
the person you love,

but only at their very best.

And the only reason for your anger,

your resentment, your rage,
is really very simple.

You're furious
because we thought of it first.

While you were trying to become men,
we decided to become gods.

Let me ask you something.
These machines, these Stepford wives,

can they say, "I love you"?

- Mike?
- Of course.

In 58 languages.

But do they mean it?

Enjoy.

Walter.

Walt...

Joanna, right here.

- Sarah.
- Claire.

- Marianne.
- Charmaine.

- Roger.
- Roberta.

Mike!

Mike! Mike! Mike!

Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike!

Good evening, everyone.

What a delight to see
all of our wonderful wives

and their happy, happy husbands.

Tonight is truly
the highlight of our year,

because tonight we honor
our very newest citizens of Stepford.

In my opinion, the cream of the crop,

a couple that proudly proclaims Stepford

the American way of love.

Aw...

Now...

I'd like to ask my wonderful woman,
my lovely wife,

my bride, my best friend,

to join me in a glorious
midsummer night's waltz.

- Is everything perfect?
- Everything.

Mike...

Darling.

- My pleasure.
- It's an honor.

- Champagne?
- Allow me.

Doors activate. Welcome, Member 1-9-5-6.

Kresby, Walter.

Entering secure area.

Warning. Warning.

Initiating.

So, Joanna, are you enjoying Stepford?

Oh, yes. The town is so splendid.

Everyone is so kind.

And then, of course, there's you.

Me?

It's simple really. Honey!

- Grab me another scotch.
- Right away, dear.

Begin nano-reversal.

Begin nano-reversal.

Nano-reversal completed.

Deleting Stepford program.

File corrupted.
Deleting vacuuming function.

- Honey?
- Oh, Herbert.

Nano-reversal... Original personality...

Deleting Stepford wives program.

What is this?

What am I wearing?

Mike! Mike! There's something...

unspeakable going on in the ballroom!

You have to come right now!
It's an apocalypse!

What did you do to us?

Mike! Mike!

Men! Control your wives!

Control your wives!

It's not working!

This is not Stepford!

Mike!

What's happening?

I was in the garden and I was dreaming
of your smile and your aftershave.

Then I realized...

I can do better.

- Walt.
- She's not a robot.

- What?
- She's not a robot?

She never was.

I couldn't do it.

- Why not?
- Because she's not a science project.

Because I didn't marry
something from RadioShack.

- That's a shame.
- No.

That's a man.

- I thought you were ready!
- Yeah.

I thought you were ready!
I thought I knew you!

- You're a disgrace...
- Yeah, you tell him!

...to everything this town stands for.

- To the future.
- That's right!

You're gonna have to pay for that!

Don't you touch him!

No!

He's a Stepford husband?

An angel.

Now he's just...

spare parts, thanks to you!

What are you?
Are you a person or a machine?

I'm a lady.

- A real lady?
- Every inch.

Wait. A real, real lady?
Are you a human being?

Yes. And I may very well be
the only decent human being left.

- In Stepford?
- In the world!

She's fabulous.

All of this, Mike, the wives, Stepford.
This was all your idea?

Yes. All I wanted was a better world.

A world where men were men,
and women were cherished and lovely.

Does anyone have a screwdriver?

She's nuts.

A world of romance and beauty.

Of tuxedos and chiffon. A perfect world.

- But you were married to a robot.
- The perfect man.

And all I wanted was
to make you, all of you

into perfect women.

But we don't need to be perfect.
How could you do this to us?

Because I was just like you.

Overstressed, overbooked, under-loved.

I was the world's foremost brain surgeon
and genetic engineer.

I had top secret contracts
with the Pentagon, Apple and Mattel.

I was driven, exhausted.

Until late one night
I came home to find...

Mike...

with Patricia.

My brilliant...

blonde...

21-year-old research assistant.

It was all so...

ugly.

Then early the next morning,
as I gazed across the breakfast table

at their lifeless bodies, I thought...

"What have I done?"

But more importantly,

"What could I do
to make the world more beautiful?"

I had the skills.

But I needed help
to realize my larger vision.

And so I made...

Mike.

Because he was someone
other men would listen to.

And then I asked myself,

"Where would people never notice
a town full of robots?"

Connecticut.

So I decided to turn back the clock.

To a time before overtime.

Before quality time.

Before women were
turning themselves into robots.

- Back off!
- Sorry.

But why didn't you change the men, too?

That's next.

You're insane.

I'm in love with a waltz and a town.

And a man.

Joanna, you produced the documentary...

Stepford: the Secret of the Suburbs.
And won... five Emmys, was it?

Six.

- She's shy.
- And so humble.

And, Bobbie, your ordeal
has led to a best seller.

I just can't hold a grudge,
so I've written my first book of poetry.

It's all about hope and communication
and the healing power of love.

What is it called?

Wait Until He's Asleep, Then Cut It Off.

- It's a page-turner.
- I cried.

Now, Roger, good news.

You ran and won.
You're in the State Senate.

- Independent.
- Next stop, the White House.

- This country needs highlights.
- Our hero.

Jo, Walter really came through for you.
So how's your marriage now?

Is everything just... perfect?

No way. But we're doing just great.

Because now we know for sure
it's not about perfection.

"Perfect." Perfect doesn't work.

What about those other husbands?
Are they angry?

Do they still want
all these women to be robots?

Of course. Men are pigs.
They're disgusting.

They're frightened, little rodents.

- We're trying to help. Right, Bobbie?
- Right.

We're trying to reeducate them.

- And where are they?
- Oh, they're still in Stepford.

Under house-arrest.

Hey, you guys.
Which aisle is quilted paper towels?

If I don't get the right kind,
my wife's gonna kill me.

Aisle three.

No talking! Keep shopping!