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(calm music)

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- [Roy] In a man's heart and in his dreams,

there is and always has been the woods.

The wild, the untamed.

It is here away from the noise

and the never ending ticking down of the clock of his life

that he discovers himself,

his destiny and whether or not he has what it takes

to be a man at all.

(bouncy kazoo music)

Then again, a man can discover much from a pair of slippers,

a good cup of coffee and five minutes of peace and quiet

in the morning.

And so describes the rhythm rhyme and oh so rare harmony

of the middle-aged dad in middle America.

Life in suburbia is an underrated adventure,

even with the very predictable daily routine.

Not only can I pretty much predict

what I'm getting into from dawn to dusk,

I'd rather count on it.

(Danielle sighs)

- Have you seen the other straightener?

- We have more than one hair straightener?

- I called first this morning and Kirsten took it again.

- [Roy] I don't know what to tell you.

- [Danielle] Mom!

- [Roy] Morning's around here are predictable

even comfortable choreography.

There's always a hair issue by 06:30,

a shoe crisis follow soon after.

- Did you take my other boot?

- Why would I take your boot?

(Kirsten sighs)

- [Roy] Lunch money.

- Hi daddy, what you doing?

- What do you need?

- Can I buy today?

- Come on, we just bought a fridge full of lunch fixings.

- I don't have time. - Don't have time.

- Mom doesn't have any cash and she says to ask you

also, would you make her a latte?

- You know what, it's waiting for her.

But could you microwave it?

You know she hates it cold

and here, try to buy something organic for her, okay?

- It's pizza day.

- Buss is coming. - Sure it's a routine,

but it's out of routine.

Insane as every morning may appear from the outside,

kisses for dad, please,

I can predict down to the second how it will go

as it leads into the rest of a pretty predictable day.

- Microwave my latte?

- You heard that?

I have a glorious day, loves of my life.

And you know what?

I like that.

(eerie music)

- Dad?

- [Roy] Then came that November morning when it all changed.

(upbeat music)

- Look on the bright side,

at least it didn't rain.

(thunder claps)

Have fun.

(shoes squeak)

- [Roy] This is my work, I edit books.

Please note that I did not say I like to edit the books.

Sadly for me, I just happened to be pretty good at it

and I can't seem to ever finish any of my own masterpieces.

So here we are.

- And he's running for his life

through the streets of London with the nuclear codes.

- Eh, eh, and the location of the dirty bomb,

the ticking clock of course, as that he knows

that the next terrorist attack is at midnight.

- And he's an interior designer.

- It's the perfect cover.

- Who would believe an interior designer in Chelsea

is a sleeper agent and a Navy seal?

- You know, not me.

- Precisely, most men don't know the difference

between the duvet cover and a throw rug.

(everyone laughs)

- So funny.

Fist bump, bam, that's it.

Best seller list, boom.

- Boom indeed.

- Well, it has to be the worst pitch I have ever heard.

- Uh-huh, sit.

- Uh-oh.

- Do you like your job, Roy?

- Carla, please, I've been with you since you started

this little print shop.

- You were making fun of the authors in there.

- Well that was terrible, Carla.

- They're the authors, Roy, not us.

When am I gonna see your book?

- Oh, you know, any day now.

- You know, when I hired you,

this was gonna be a training stop.

- Yeah, well then came three kids in the mortgage.

- Steinback had kids and a mortgage.

Do we need to explore this any further?

- Nope.

- Good.

You owe me three manuscripts.

Get back to work.

- Yes, ma'am.

- Roy, finish your book.

It's amazing what just finishing something does

for our spirit.

- Yeah, you know, maybe next year when I finish cleaning

the toilet paper out of my trees.

- [Brody] Hey.

- Dude, you rock me.

That was the TP job in history.

- [Chad] Message sent.

- How come you guys didn't come?

- [Chad] Dude, I was just playing X-Box.

I just forgot.

- I think she knows it was me.

- That was the point, dude.

Listen, man, take it from me.

Chick's respond to strength.

- [Brody] But if she tells her dad it was me...

- Look, she's the one that threw you over

for that dork who's taking her to the winter dance.

- I thought 8th graders couldn't go to the winter dance.

- We can.

She's going with a 9th grader.

- Who doesn't even live in this neighborhood.

- Well, why don't we just TP his yard?

- 'Cause he'd beat us into Hamburger.

- No Chad, is exactly what you said,

we're sending a message.

- What message is that?

- She should have said no.

- I don't think she got that message, Sadler.

- Well then it's time to take it up a notch.

You want this chick or not, man?

(Roy grunts)

- I'm taking your car. - Yeah.

- Minivan's making that noise again.

We are way overdue for service.

Whoa, that's gotta be 30 rolls, easy.

- 34, must have gone to Costco.

So are you sure this is directed at Ashley?

- Oh no doubt.

It's kind of an honor, you know?

- Yeah, getting all warm and fuzzy just thinking about it.

- You never TP'd a girl?

- I was pretty cutting edge.

I went candy and flowers and occasionally miss card.

Do we know who so smitten with our daughter?

- She says she doesn't know.

I don't believe her.

- Yeah. - Okay.

Taking the twins to dance, picking them up,

taking them over to play practice,

I'm going to a chick flick with Linda,

but Diane I'll bring them home.

Make sure Kirsten does her grammar

and Danielle has to practice piano

and Ashley's gotta wash your hair tonight

and please don't order pizza.

I have a lot of really healthy stuff in the freezer.

Thanks for doing this.

See ya. - Yeah.

Living the dream, babe.

Living the dream.

(sad music)

(door clicks)

Hey sweetie.

- Hey dad.

(water trickles)

Why are boys so mature at this age?

Where you?

- Well, I mean I wanna say no,

but I probably was.

Sorry you had such a tough day.

- Well it wasn't a total disaster.

I get asked to be the color guard for the homecoming game.

- Really?

That's great.

- It's totally cool and if I do good,

they may ask me back for competition.

- Well I am gonna video every second of that, baby.

I'm so proud of you, come here.

That's great.

Do me a favor,

stop growing up.

- I'm sorry about the yard, dad.

- Well, if I catch whoever did it,

he'll be sorry.

Oh man.

(upbeat music)

(Roy grunts)

Really?

- Come on Roy, you got one more, one more.

- I really don't.

- Come on, you gotta do it, you gotta try.

One more, one more, come on.

- Jerry, take it!

- Man, you are never gonna get off that plateau

unless you can take it to failure.

- What do you call that?

- So, the whole yard.

- Oh yeah, yeah.

There was like an aircraft carriers

worth of toilet paper out there.

- What are you planning on doing about it?

- What do you mean?

- Exactly what I said,

what are you gonna do about?

- Come on, it's just some sick little twerp

pledging is twisted sick little love from my daughter.

- Oh it's a whole lot more than that, bucko,

your castle's been violent

and I think this is stalking.

- Oh, come on Jerry.

- I mean, I think if you ask me,

it's time you get your shotgun down.

- I don't have a shotgun.

- What?

You don't have a shotgun?

Three beautiful daughters and you don't have any firepower?

What kind of man are you?

- Jerry, we live in the suburbs, remember?

- Just saying you need a shotgun.

- [Roy] How you doing, Charlie?

- Divorces is horrible, that's how.

How about you?

- I'm fine I guess.

Considering I'd rather be doing

pretty much anything else on this earth for a living.

- Well, I'm doing great.

How are you doing, darling?

- You still got it, Jerry.

- [Roy] And all settled back into our routine.

I'd almost forgotten about this punk kid

stalking my first born princess when...

(phone rings)

Hey honey, what's up?

- Are you in front of your computer?

- No, I'm on the runway in my stealth fighter.

Yes, I'm in front of my computer.

- I just sent you an email, open it.

- Okay.

- [Jolie] Click on the link.

(triumphant music)

- Oh no.

- Oh yeah, oh yeah, it's everywhere.

And look at all the comments.

This is a disaster, Roy.

I'm calling the cops.

- Wow, you know the writing's actually quite good.

- Roy?

- Yeah, I mean it's bad, it's really bad,

but I mean, it's not, you know,

it could have been a lot worse.

It's not like, you know, awful.

It's actually kind of sweet in a twisted kind of way.

- It's called harassment.

(door knocks)

- Nash, honey.

- [Ashley] I don't wanna talk to anyone.

- Come on, it's just me.

- [Ashley] The twins laughed at me.

- [Roy] They're at play practice.

- With mom? - Yeah, it's just us.

(door clicks)

(sad music)

- My life is over dad.

Did you see it?

- Yeah, yeah.

We got it pulled down.

- Yeah, until he puts up the next installment.

- Who's doing this, Ash?

- Brody Jenkins.

- Who's Brody Jenkins?

- Hello, we went out in the 5th grade.

- Went out?

You never even been on a date.

- It's an expression.

Why would he do this, dad?

What could he possibly hope to gain?

- Well you know, I did some just like this

when I was his age.

- What?

(upbeat music)

- Yeah, I was a new kid in school in the 8th grade.

Pizza phase, awkward, not a friend anywhere,

except my best pal, Eddie,

who couldn't do a thing about the daily but whooping

I'd get everyday.

I was desperate to get noticed

and I knew it wouldn't be from my dashing good looks

or athletic prowess.

So I pick the coolest couple in school

and started writing a serial soap opera about them

with artwork.

Them, teachers, the principal with a 60 inch waistline

and it got popular.

(kids laugh)

And what do you suppose happened?

A teacher caught me passing pages in class.

(kids laugh)

So five licks with a paddle from the big bellied principle

and a little Roy gets suspended from school.

- You suspended from school?

- Yeah, what do you supposed to happen after that?

- You were completely humiliated and moved to Africa.

- Uh, uh, uh, I was James' flipping Dean.

I was the coolest little rebel in school, the writer.

- [Ashley] What about the cool couple?

- That got even cooler, I made them stars.

- Are you saying Brody Jenkins made me a star?

- Look, I read the story and it was pretty good actually.

It's better than the half the books I edit.

Maybe we should give him a deal.

- I will so kill you if you do.

- Honey, if it had been anything ugly,

I'd be in his living room right now.

This thing will pass.

I grew up, I promise.

We all do.

Come here.

Hey. - Hey.

- Thank you.

(calm music)

Is this Brody kid

someone whose dad died a couple of years ago?

- Yeah.

- Do you know them?

- Not really, but this kid is out of control.

He's been hanging out with those other two losers.

- How do you know this?

- Mom's know everything.

- Jerry says I should get a shotgun.

- I think you should have a little man to man talk

with this kid.

- And say what?

What, stay away from my daughter?

- Yes, this is a dad job.

Don't you think?

- Why don't you do it?

I think he'd be more scared of you.

Okay.

Can it wait till the weekend, I mean please?

I've never threatened threatening kid before.

I need to study up on it.

(upbeat music)

(soda's spritz)

- So boys,

nicked them from my moms purse.

Go for it.

- No.

- [Sadler] Why not?

- I just don't, do you?

- If you like it,

but we don't wanna apply peer pressure.

- I just don't but you can, it's cool.

- No, no, we're good, we're good.

Some other time maybe,

but so Tenderfoot,

me and Chad been talking,

you're almost in, but the stakes have gone up,

right, Chad?

- Oh yeah.

- Ready Jenkins, it's time for you to go big.

(announcer mumbles)

- Excuse me, excuse me,

Here you go guys.

All right.

- Look, there she is, Roy.

- I'm so nervous.

- You'll do great, just to watch me.

- Thank you.

(audience cheers)

- Dad, were you in the marching band.

- No baby, daddy played football.

- You played football?

- Yes, I played football.

Most of the time, wrestle teams when we were winning

by like 100 points.

- You dad was a fine athlete, girls.

- How do you know?

- He told me.

- [Announcer] Marching band and honor guard.

- [Kirsten] I wanna be a cheerleader just like mommy.

- Really?

Your mom was the best cheerleader in her high school.

- How do you know?

- She told me. - She told me.

Shh, shh, they're about to start.

(upbeat music)

(audience cheers)

- It's him again.

- [Announcer] We need security.

- Running in his underwear.

- Are you kidding me?

- What are you doing?

(intense marching music)

(audience cheers)

- [Announcer] We need the sheriff.

We need the sheriff.

- Why are you doing this to me?

- Now will you do something?

(car door slams)

(door knocks)

- Mrs. Jenkins?

I'm Roy Roper.

Is Brody here?

- Here's some coffee.

- [Roy] Thank you.

- You didn't have to get up.

- You have a nice home.

- Thanks, I wish we could keep it.

- So Brody isn't here then?

- No, sorry.

- Is he in jail? - No, no.

He ought to be.

He's out.

Out of jail, never thought I'd say those words

about my own kid.

I was working last night when they called.

So I left my shift,

went to get him, woke up this morning, he's gone.

It's not unusual these days.

I'm so sorry, Mr. Romper.

What can I do to make it up to your sweet girl?

- It's Roy and it's not up to you

to make anything up her.

- I'm losing him, Roy.

We came here because this is such a family neighborhood.

But now working doubles, weekends.

I've got his brother and sister both in daycare.

We're still not making it.

It's like there's not enough of me to go around.

- I'm sorry about your husband.

(sad music)

- Two years,

five months,

three days.

Sure I could give you the hours if you want.

- I'm sorry Karen, I really am.

- I'm all alone.

I don't know how much longer I can hang on.

I got a pretty good idea how the story's gonna turn out.

I'm sorry.

Buck up.

Stan never let me feel sorry for myself.

Why start now?

- It's okay.

- No, it's not okay,

but I will make it up to Ashley.

Hey, why don't I start with a gift card?

What's her favorite store?

- Karen, no, she doesn't need any more gift cards.

You can get me one if you want.

Sorry, it it's joke.

I didn't know any of this and I never met your husband.

I'm sorry about that.

- You would have like Stan, everybody did.

Well he would have dealt with this.

Well actually no.

It never would've happened.

Don't feel sorry for me.

I'm not weak, I can work.

We'll make it.

But what do I know about being a man?

How could I know?

How can anybody expect me to teach him?

Is it too late?

(lively music)

- Whoa, streak the game?

- Snatched your daughters flag

right there in front of the homecoming crowd,

a mile football field?

I hope you kick the living brown out of him.

- Well, no, not exactly.

- No?

What's matter was you, Roy?

I mean that little punk needs an attitude adjustment,

I mean like right now.

- It's not quite that simple.

- Not that simple?

Look, some little twit messages with my daughter

and bammo, it's go time.

I'm talking to double dose of Rocky and Balboa.

- Jerry, shut up.

He's still telling the story.

- You mean there's more? - Yes.

So I go to his house this morning.

- Oh good, now we're talking.

- It turns out that the kid's dad died

a couple years back.

- I ain't talking about Stan Jenkins kid?

- Stan Jenkins died? - Yup.

- Two years ago.

He just dropped dead right there in his front yard.

You know, I coached that little worm

in little guy football.

Look we're all men here, right?

I mean, I give him the pass on the TP,

but running around little tighty whities

grabbing your daughter's flag in front of God and everybody,

I mean, even Stan would agree,

that deserves a kick in the...

- As I was saying,

his mom asked for my help.

- With what?

- To teach him, you know how to become a man.

(Jerry chuckles)

Is that funny to you?

- I mean, you know.

- No, I don't know.

- Bro, Roy Roper's house is a house full of women.

I mean you're drowning in a sea of estrogen.

- He's got a male dog.

- Fixed.

- Fine them captain macho, you do it.

- No, no, no, no.

Hey look, don't start putting this off of me.

I didn't have kids by choice.

That's just not my problem.

The question is what are you gonna do about it?

- That's why I called this meeting.

- So don't look at me.

My kids don't even live with me anymore.

They barely talk to me when they come home for visit

on the weekend.

You use me as an example of what not to be.

- Roy, you're over thinking this thing.

It's really simple, you know what I would do?

I'd take the kid down there to the sand pit,

I'd make him do a thousand push-ups

while I sprayed him with a fire hose.

And if he tried to get out, bshh,

I hit him with a taser gun, that's what I'd do.

- You know, it's amazing people don't want you

to coach anymore.

Jerry, you can't raise a kid like that.

- You start giving me that inner child garbage.

All the kid needs to know is the rules

and when he steps outside the rules, dirty and hairy.

- [Charlie] I miss the school of hard knocks lecture?

- Okay guys, you're right, help.

I mean, all I've got is girls.

So what do I do?

- Well, how'd your dad teach you?

- He didn't.

He died to be about the same age as Stan.

- I didn't know that.

Wow, Roy, I'm sorry.

- You know, it's not a big deal now.

It was like 30 something years ago.

- It is a big deal, Roy.

- Roy look, you're a stand up guy.

Okay, trying to do the right thing,

but this isn't your problem.

You got a daughter to protect.

What you need to do, you need to go over there

and tell that kid's mother to suck it up.

Tell her to send the kid in the military school

like my dad did me.

- [Roy] And I think the results speak for themselves.

I don't know, Roy.

How do you teach a kid to be a man?

- [Roy] Turns out there's plenty of stuff on becoming a man

out there but I'm not so sure it matches up

to our present reality here in Oak Point.

For instance, here's a ritual in Ethiopia

where a boy has to run across the backs

of a dozen angry and hungry bulls

as his initiation.

Can't really see the homeowners association

getting behind that.

Then there's a tribe in South America

where the boy crosses over by sticking his hands

in gloves filled with hundreds of bullet ants who sting.

It's 20 time more powerful than a red wasp

or of course the one in Brazil who gives initiate

the choice with frog poison.

Drink it or inject into the eyes.

That sounds like jail time for sure.

Oh, here's one, the Pentecost island bungee jump.

Of course they use vines

and don't use a precise length.

So the initiate's nose touches the ground

unless of course the vine breaks

and I'll say his nose touches the ground.

- My best one yet.

It's got spinach and kale in it, but you can't taste them.

What have we got?

- I'm leaning towards the Aboriginal circumcision right,

which includes the introduction of a removable splinter.

- Like it, there needs to be pain.

- You know, there's about 1000 books on recovery manhood.

We've published a dozen ourselves.

I edited two of them.

- Well what they say?

- Nothing memorable obviously.

- Giving him a book isn't gonna change anything, honey.

- Maybe Jerry's right.

Is this really my problem, really?

The cops arrested him

and you know, he'll get some sort of counseling.

This whole thing's gonna blow over.

- Why don't you go upstairs and tell Ashley that, super dad?

- Am I a disappointment to you?

- I'm disappointed

that you're disappointed.

Makes me think it's me.

- I always swore that it wouldn't be

one of those midlife crisis guys.

- Well that's a good thing.

We can't afford a Porsche.

- Yeah, but I wanted too.

Thought I'd be able to buy now.

- I think there's how we think life is gonna be

and there's how it really is.

(calm music)

- Do you ever feel like you missed something?

That you settled?

- Do you?

- No, not with you no,

but the rest of me, yeah, maybe.

There's just something missing, Jolie.

I've got everything I could ask for but inside,

a pathetic guy living life of quiet desperation.

Guess this is a separate conversation from a punk kid

terrorizing my daughter.

- Is is?

(paint lid pops)

- Jolie, would you clean my paintbrushes, please?

(calm music)

I got it.

- Got what?

- Were' going camping this weekend.

- Oh no we're not.

We're playing golf this weekend at the Pines.

It took her three months to get a weekend T-time

down there, Roy.

- Look, we go golfing all the time.

I stink, Charlie sinks and Jerry you stink too.

You just hit it farther

and I'm so sick of playing poker.

- Hey look, I'll bike, I'll hike,

I'll ski, you know what?

I'll paddle down a river.

I'll even do a zip line, but I do not camp,

I do hotels.

I do nice hotels with a bar.

- Yeah right, we're taking the kid.

- Yeah Roy, I got a lot going on this weekend and...

- Yeah, like what?

- I uh... - Yeah, that's what I thought.

So you're in.

- And just where is this proposed back to nature experience

that I will not be participating in?

- There are 20 parks in this state.

- Yeah, I just heard too many stories as a kid.

- Of what, deer, gophers?

- Try chainsaws and hockey masks.

- [Roy] Oh come on.

- Well, what about that couple that ran out of gas

and the boyfriend never came back?

- Oh no, no, no, he got out of the car

and some psycho killed him

and hung him up on top of the roof like that.

- It was the Hook Man.

- Yeah, that's right.

And the girl was in the car and all night,

she kept hearing that scratching on top of the car.

She didn't even get out.

She just left the poor sap up there to die.

- Come on, that's 10 different versions of the store.

We're going camping this weekend

in a state park with bathrooms and park Rangers

and nightlights if you want.

- And do what?

- We're gonna do some male bonding or yeah.

- Because we're such positive role models.

- Roy, you have a tent?

- My wife uses it for spray painting, it's destroyed.

- Okay, well I don't have a tent.

- Couldn't we at least get a cabin?

- No, we are going outside.

- Oh, this is great.

We don't have a tent, we don't have any gear.

We don't have a clue what we're doing.

Oh yeah, this is gonna be a fine introduction to manhood.

Why can't we just I don't know,

lift some weights and grill a steak?

- Come on guys.

We've been friends for what, 20 years?

But I've never asked anything from either of you,

but what I helped move your both three times at least.

I've lent you money, I've even mowed your yards

when you're out of town.

Besides, what kind of men are we

if we can't go camping in a state park?

- Okay, okay, fine.

One night.

But we're gonna need some gear.

- Gear?

Oh, I'll show you gear, daddy.

(lively music)

It's weird really,

but modern guys are the first ones in history to mostly

not go through some sort of initiation ritual into manhood.

All cultures throughout history up to now

had something that symbolized the transition.

It usually involves some kind of test and wisdom

coming from the old guys in the village

and always some pain.

We don't really do that anymore.

(ax bangs)

Feeling the hard ground under our bare feet.

- [Jolie] You know, it's going to be like 30 degrees, right?

- [Roy] So?

- Bare feet.

- Look, it's figurative, you know?

Maybe he's right.

Maybe this is what's missing with the girls.

We should start camping.

You know get out under the stars as a family,

look at the stars and stuff.

No hair straighteners or outfits or iPods.

We just need to get our hands dirty.

- Might wanna baby step this one.

- Yeah.

There's an access road back here.

It's like 40 miles around.

- Uh-oh. - No, hey, hey,

it's just a big looping trail.

It's like seven miles as the crow flies.

Look, it's got the best camping sites

'cause it follows the river.

- I don't think you wanna be improvising, big boy.

- Hey, I got this.

Hey, how's my sweet pea?

- Fine, dad.

(sad music)

- How's the situation?

- Whatever, he's still suspended from school.

- Well how are you really?

- Afraid to go out.

- I'm gonna deal with this, okay?

- Whatever.

- Daddy's got this one, baby.

(upbeat music)

(door knocks)

- Go away.

(door bangs)

Leave me alone!

(door clicks)

- Get up, get dressed.

- Mom.

Mom! - I said get dressed.

- Mr. Roper, Mr. Harris,

coach Baird?

- Oh yeah, Brody boy.

- Bring your boots, we're going on a little hike.

- Mom!

(upbeat music)

♪ I was a kid just yesterday ♪

- Okay, I got the message.

Ha, ha, joke's over.

I learned my lesson, I won't do it again.

- [Roy] Stop talking.

- This is illegal, dude.

This is kidnapping.

- Well, not when your mom is in on it

and she is, dude.

Oh, by the way, she made us cookies.

- Cookies? - Uh-huh.

- Where are you taking me?

- We're just going on a little camping trip, Brody boy,

just us dudes.

Just sit back and relax.

- Want a cookie?

- 12 more miles.

- I thought you said we were just going to the park?

- I found a better place.

It backs right up to it.

It's less than a mile from the parking lot.

Besides, I wanna scare this little snot some more.

(car squeaks)

- Starting to work on me, bucko.

- [Jolie] Minivan's making that noise again,

noise again, noise again.

- Roy, what's going on?

- How you like your camping trip so far?

Might be car.

That knocking could be differential

or maybe a battery hose or muffler bowler, muffle bear.

- You have no idea what you're talking about, do you?

- [Jerry] No, I really don't.

- This is just great.

It's after nine o'clock and we're out here

in psycho killer country.

Why did we just staying in your neighborhood?

We could have pitched a tent in your common ground.

- [Jerry] Give it up, Charlie.

- Your rear main seal is out.

It's gushing oil.

- Out here? - Yeah.

- What does that mean?

- It means your minivan's toast.

- Like what do you know about it, kid?

- My dad taught me about cars.

- No chance we can fix it, huh?

- [Brody] No.

- Okay, looks like we're calling AAA.

- I don't have a cell.

- I got like less than zero bars on this.

- I got nothing too.

Hey,

there might be a house up there.

You guys stay with Brody and I'll go check it out.

- Oh I don't think so.

That is exactly how the Hook Man started.

Jerry, did you bring a gun?

- No, I didn't bring a gun.

Mr. We live in the suburbs

wouldn't let me buy one.

- We're so gonna die.

- Let's go, I mean, what else are we gonna do?

(intense music)

- Roy, I don't have a great feeling about this.

- I don't have a great feeling about walking 40 miles

to get back home, Jerry.

So come on, let's go.

- No, this is your trip, Ke-mo sah-bee.

I ain't going up there and knocking on that door.

- Thanks a lot, guys.

- [Charlie] He's gonna die.

(intense eerie music)

(door knocks)

(dogs growl)

- Great, we Hook Man and the hounds with him.

- Get down, who's out there?

- Hi, I'm sorry to bother you, sir,

but our car broke down.

- Hold on, let me put the dogs up.

Hold on, Mutsy, get down.

(eerie music)

- Does anyone else think we should run,

I mean now?

- Where's your car at?

- Yeah, it's down on the road and see,

we can't get any cell out here.

- Me neither.

- Well is there any chance we can use your phone here?

- Don't got one, not need it.

- Oh.

- Y'all ain't from around here, are ya?

- No, no, we just came out to do some camping.

- [Darrell] State park's down the road.

You missed it by a purdy far piece.

- We've kind of already been over that.

Look, we're just trying to you know, find someplace remote.

- What kind of camping y'all do?

- See the kid with us?

We're here to show him how to grow up a little bit.

- Oh, you mean like an initiation?

Good ol' boys to men action?

- Yeah, you know it's something like that.

- Why didn't you just say so in the first place?

I got just the spot for ya.

It's right up the holler there.

- Yeah, but see our car's broken, so.

- My brother's got a wrecker service.

I'll get getting him over here tomorrow

when he sobers up.

He'll tow you anywhere you wanna go.

But I'll take you up there in Shorty.

- Shorty?

- It's my party wagon.

(rock music)

I rent it out all the time.

- Okay guess

looks like it's Shorty.

You know, Mini would have questioned this decision,

I know that, but our van broke down

in the middle of nowhere.

- Oh rah!

- [Roy] What else are we gonna do?

- Thank you Lord for making me a man

in this Tennessee woods.

- If we live through this,

I'm gonna let Jerry shoot you in the face.

- Can't shoot him.

Wouldn't let me buy the gun.

- In the face.

- Hey, Darren, Darren.

- It's Darrell.

- Could you tell us exactly where we're going again?

- Yeah, you're gonna love it.

They got cabins up there,

you got running water, cable TV,

plenty of room.

- That sounds like my kind of camping.

- Oh thank God, a bed.

- I took some guys out there a couple days ago

and they got plenty of room up there.

- You brought 'em up here in this?

- Hey, everybody love Shorty, boys.

Let's crank it up.

(rock music)

(jazz music)

- Okay, so now what?

- And this road here about a mile.

Look for the tiki torches.

Follow them, they'll take you right in.

- You call it a road?

- Whatever, it'll get you there.

- How come there's not a sigh?

- It's private.

They don't wanna advertise either.

Only those who know, know.

(Darrell clears throat)

- [Roy] There, there you go.

- Thank you.

Here, take that.

- Business card.

Darrell's Party Planning.

Really?

- [Darrell] Yes.

- You got to six extensions.

- That I do, that don't mean nothing though.

They all sit here on my cell when I can get one.

Just give the guard that car

and you'll be all good.

- [Roy] There's a guard?

- Oh, it's first class.

- [Roy] Okay, thank you.

- You're welcome.

- Okay, let's go.

Okay I admit it,

this isn't exactly how I envisioned hitting the trail,

but we are in the trail.

First rule of the trail is we all stay together.

- [Charlie] Well, there's a paradigm shifter.

I can't believe nobody brought a gun.

- Like any of us really knows how to use the one.

- [Charlie] Hook Man knows.

- Hook Man don't need a gun.

- I know how.

- [Roy] You didn't bring a gun.

- Not unless you put one in my backpack.

- Are you saying you own one?

- No, but I've shot 'em.

Have you?

How long are we gonna be out here?

- [Roy] As long as it takes.

- Takes to do what?

- [Roy] Cross you over.

- You know, a little boy to man action, Brody.

- [Brody] Oh no, really?

- There's a few things we need to talk over, Brody.

- It wasn't my idea, all right?

Any of it.

They made me do it.

- And look what you get,

having others do your thinking for you.

You should thank those two losers wherever they are.

You got a free camping trip out of this.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, y'all want some good news?

Come on, look up here.

Roy, I think I see a tiki torch up there.

- [Charlie] Yes.

- What are you thinking?

I bet they got a bar too.

- And a hot tub.

I would kill for a hot tub.

- And how do you know Darrell?

- We just met him, he sent us here.

- Cell phones and keys in the basket.

- Why?

- There's no cell up here anyway.

- Yeah, we know that.

So why do you need our cell phones?

- Standard operational procedure.

No photo, video or communication devices allowed

on a man up weekend.

- Man up, really man up?

- Do I smell steak?

- Rib eye, 200 pounds flown in from Omaha.

We're just about to eat.

- Rib eye?

- Hey Roy, I say let's do this.

Leave your backpacks too.

- Backpacks?

Hey, wait a minute there, Par...

- You're unannounced guests to your pard.

Now there's food, shelter and good fellowship ahead.

Or you can turn around and walk your rear end

back in the way you came.

- Rib eye. - Yeah.

(men howling)

(tribal drumming)

- Okay Roy, this is officially weird.

- Do you guys do this every weekend, Mr. Roper?

(man yells)

- Can you hear this?

(men cheer)

Well let me turn it up for ya.

(men cheer)

We claim the sacred masculine

for our divine mission.

We summon the strength

of mother sky

and father rock.

- [Men] Ho, ho.

- Bring out your chickens.

- Chickens?

Roy, do you want me to cover the kids eyes

so he won't see those men's chickens?

- Jerry, I think he was talking about real chickens.

- Yeah, I got a crazy idea.

Let's bail, like now. - Yeah.

Oh, hey Pard.

- Hey, we shouldn't go stay at holiday inn.

- Turn around, join the circle.

- Yeah you know, we really don't wanna join the circle.

(whistle blows)

- Interlopers.

- Brothers, join us.

- Mr. Roper...

- Yeah, run guys.

- Seize them!

(intense music)

(men yell)

- [Charlie] Roy!

- I think we lost them.

- Well we're lost too, Roy.

- [Roy] Where's Jerry?

(Charlie screams)

- Where's the kid?

- He's not with you?

- No, he's not with me. - Are you kidding me?

They got Brody?

Okay, stay here, stay here.

(intense music)

Brody?

Please don't tell me they got him.

- Charlie, stop it.

You want me to slap you?

Calm down.

- Calm down, calm down? - Yeah.

- We're gonna die! - Calm, quiet.

Look, Roy's gonna find the kid,

he's gonna bring him back.

We're gonna get out of this.

- Roy doesn't know what he's doing any more than you or I.

He just talks a good game.

- Shh, it's me,

Brody, it's me, it's Mr. Roper.

Are you hurt?

- No.

- Well then what happened?

You're faster than us old wheezers.

- I fell.

Where are the others?

- They're back this way, come on, we gotta go.

- No, I'm not going anywhere with you.

- Brody, we can't... - I'm scared.

- We can't stay here.

- Why did you bring me here?

I wanna go home.

- We're all scared.

We're all scared,

but we have to stay together.

It's our only hope.

Right, come on.

Come on, let's move, come on.

(grass cracks)

- I hear 'em Jerry.

I hear 'em.

(men yell)

- Guys, guys, I found him. - Brody, Roy.

Thought you guys were lost for sure.

- I still got a Boy Scout trick or two left in me.

- You were a Boy Scout?

- Don't get too excited.

My merit badge was in public speaking.

- Public speaking. - Yeah.

- Oh, that's just great.

That's really great.

Yeah, when the Hook Man comes,

you can give him a speech

before he slaughters all of us.

- What?

- I'm just kidding, Brody, just kidding.

- What are we going to do now?

- I'm working on it, okay?

- We gotta get to the road.

- I think we came in over there, but I don't know.

We'll turn around and... - What if they come for us?

- No, they won't come for us tonight.

They'll wait til the morning.

Who were those guys? - I don't know.

- Man Up, it's a big male bonding thing.

They get together like five times a year.

- What, you know these guys?

- No.

They tried to recruit me after my divorce.

My first divorce.

- You never told us that. - You never asked.

- All right, tell you one thing,

we're not going back that way, no way.

- Look, excuse me if I freak out a little bit,

but we have no sleeping bags,

we have no food, we have no backpacks.

We're either gonna freeze to death, starve to death,

or become chickens

for the He-Man. - Shh, would you

be quiet? - I don't care if they

hear me, at least they got fire.

- Yeah and they'll throw us on it after they tenderize us.

- [Charlie] So we'll die warm.

- I can make a fire. - With what?

They've got our backpacks, Roy.

You know know what you're doing any more than either of us.

So stop giving orders.

- Charlie, would you stop screaming?

Make a choice, go back to those guys or freeze to death

or you can listen to me and we can make a go of it.

Okay?

Look, now you got me screaming,

(sad music)

Okay, I need any leaves and small twigs, dry ones.

You Brody, you find me a rock with a little gray showing.

Now go, go get 'em.

(intense music)

Come on.

Hey, here, you found it?

Great, hold onto that.

Right, look, hey,

we're fine, all right?

We're gonna be safe.

- You gonna start a fire without a lighter?

- Yup, I'm gonna try.

I haven't done this since I was your age.

Know what?

I think I actually pulled it off before, so.

(rocks clank)

- That's gonna start a fire?

- Yeah yeah, patience, patience.

There we go.

- Whoa, you really, you... - Yeah.

- You the man, Roy Roper, you the man.

Anybody wear a watch?

- [Roy] No.

It's about midnight maybe.

- Feels like we've been out here like a week already.

- What was that?

I heard something.

- It's the woods, Charlie.

I mean there are animals out here.

- Animals?

Don't they hibernate or go south

for the winter or something?

- Not the zombies.

(Jerry chuckles)

- All right guys, it's time to take inventory.

What have we got in our pockets?

- Trail mix, hand moisturizer.

- Moisturizer?

- Oh and HALLS Mentho-Lyptus.

- Oh that's a great.

Means we won't starve to death.

- Jerry, what have you got?

- I have a flashlight and a,

my basket football roster

and we've got my Altoids.

- Sure, you might meet some chicks.

Did you remember to bring your Brute cologne?

- What about you?

What have you got over there, Mr. Boy scout?

- I could have built us a house

with whatever I got in my backpack,

but flashlight,

got some flint,

Swiss Army,

oh, and a waterproof matches.

- What?

- I just wanted to see if I could really do it.

- That's just great.

We're up a flipping Creek with a bunch of

Orrah Whack job

probably out looking for us right now

with night vision goggles and AKA's

and you're playing junior forest ranger games.

I don't know what you're trying to prove with all...

(leave rustle)

(intense music)

- Roy.

- What?

What does that mean?

- Somebody's out there.

- Well why didn't you just say that?

- You looking for me?

(Charlie screams)

- [Roy] Okay, I left one small detail out.

Since I was a kid growing up around here

when all the developments and suburbs were being built,

there were always stories about some psycho killer

on the run from the law living up in our woods.

- It's the Hook Man, we're gonna die!

- [Buck] What are you doing up here?

- We're lost. - Really?

- Yeah, we came you know, camping for the weekend.

We ran into some trouble.

- Can we help you with something?

- I doubt that.

- Where are we?

- The woods.

- Hey look, pal,

we're not trying to cause anybody any trouble out here.

(gun clicks)

- Don't move.

You with those drumming boys?

- No, no, no. - No, no, no, sir,

we really are lost.

I mean, they took our backpacks, our phones, everything.

(fire cracks)

So do you live here?

- Might say that.

- Well, I'm sorry.

Then we'll just we'll just be moving on.

- In the dark, lost, with nothing?

There's a front coming in.

Need to build up your fire.

Don't try to follow me.

You do understand.

(grass cracks)

- Well, wasn't that nice of him

to stop by and say hello?

- He's right guys.

We've gotta build this fire, okay?

- So we'll cook faster when he comes back

to gut and fillet us.

- Can it, Charlie.

Come on man, he's gone.

There's four of us out here.

Well there's three and a half of us out here, he's gone.

- Oh that's a comfort.

- Mr. Roper,

Was there really a point to all this

or was just one of those scare the teen straight

kind of things?

- Let me ask you a question.

Is there a point to embarrassing my daughter?

- I didn't mean to.

- What did you mean to do, get her attention?

'Cause you got it.

- I'm sorry, okay?

- Well I'm not the one that needs to hear that, son.

Did she do something to you, you know,

make you angry at her? - No.

It wasn't my idea, it was my friends.

- Friends?

You mean the ones that are home all snugly in their bed

and their tummy's full?

Those friends are talking about?

How do you think they'd be doing out here with us tonight?

- They'd probably be freaking out.

- Like me you mean.

- [Brody] Yes sir, a lot like you.

- Hey, our work here is done.

Let's go home now.

- Is there a plan B?

- Yeah, survive the night.

The best I can tell,

we got a six or seven mile hike to get the park.

- Try 20. - Oh!

No offense pal,

I don't believe you can make 20 miles a day.

Ain't no trails up here.

Green horns hungry?

- Yeah, yeah. - Yes.

- Jerky, beef jerky.

This is beef jerky?

- Squirrels.

- There's such thing as squirrel jerky?

- Deer meat's better, I killed one this morning

but hadn't had time to butcher it yet.

Suit yourself.

Here's some apples and berries.

- So no chance you have a phone?

- And who would I call?

- Yeah.

- [Buck] Why y'all go to state park?

- We wanted to find a place less crowded.

- [Buck] Well did that.

- Yeah, well you know what?

We're gonna spend the night

and in the morning, we're gonna head back

toward the way we can in.

- I wouldn't recommend that.

Seems a pretty strange thing to all those guys

and might be a little upset with you.

- Yeah.

- You're a long way from the law

getting picked up for one.

- Do you have any suggestions?

- Yeah, get some rest.

You got a couple of pretty tough days a head of you.

- Are you the Hook Man?

- I killed the Hook Man, son.

- Yeah right.

(men chuckle)

- [Roy] And this is Roy Roper.

Leave a message and I'll call you back.

(phone beeps)

- Okay trailblazer, third message.

You were supposed to call me from the road

or when you got there.

Check in please so I can sleep.

Love you.

Hope you're doing okay.

- Was that dad?

- Yeah.

- [Ashley] What'd he say?

- It was his voicemail.

- [Danielle] Mommy, we can't sleep.

Is dad okay?

- Well of course he is.

He's just camping

and it's 26 degrees

and the wind has kicked in

and he hasn't camped since before we were married.

- [Ashley] And he hasn't called 11 hours.

(sad music)

- [Kirsten] Can we sleep with you?

- I wish you would, come on.

- Why is he doing this again?

- 'Cause he's a good man.

Thinks with his heart instead of his head sometimes.

But your daddy is a good man.

So let's all say a little prayer for him, okay?

- [Roy] You stay till morning?

- [Buck] Wasn't planning on it.

- [Roy] I don't know where we are or how to get outta here.

- That a way.

330 degrees.

You do have a compass?

- Oh sure, yeah.

It's on the phone with the chicken dancers.

Do you have a compass?

- Stars, pretty good.

Sun goes east to west, how hard is that?

- I thought you were a story that someone made up.

- You better get some sleep.

They're gonna need you in the morning.

You are the leader this outfit.

- I'm not so sure about that.

- I see a teenage boy,

one guy who is so scared, he's about to wet his pants.

A guy who's so macho, he don't know what he don't know.

My money's on you.

- I'm not sure I've got what it takes

to get us out of here.

I didn't know where this far out, without any gear or food.

My dad was an Eagle Scout, not me.

- So you came to the wilderness to go camping.

What are you doing up here really?

- Teach that young one about being a man.

- I see. - Yeah.

We had this...

No, I had this big plan.

Speeches, ceremony, even wrote a script,

but I left it in the pack.

I mean it was a good plan on paper

like almost everything else in my life.

You know what's funny?

I'm not sure I even know how to be a man.

- The Eagle Scout didn't tell you that?

(sad music)

- [Roy] What did your dad tell you?

- Not much with words.

It's just what I remember from down there.

- So you really are the guy in the woods.

You know, every boy at some point

wants to grow up and be you.

You know that?

How do you do this?

- Do what?

- Live here like this?

- How do you live like you live?

You know you must say my situation was forced on me.

- Were you in trouble?

- You tell me.

You must've heard something.

- Ever since I was a kid,

there's always stories about some guy living in the woods.

- Well let's see, escaped prisoner,

escaped mental patient,

wife killer,

alien from area 51.

Right when survivors left wing Manson follower,

civil war ghost.

What am I leaving out?

- The Hook Man.

- Oh my God, the Hook Man.

I always liked the Hook Man.

- So which one is it?

- I was a soldier in bad war.

I wouldn't lie to protect some bad man

who did some bad, bad things.

My mom and daddy passed away and I came home,

I had no home to come too.

And the bad men were looking for me.

So I came the only place I knew they wouldn't follow,

in the woods.

It's a lot like the jungle.

I hated war

but I love the jungle.

(calm music)

I can't tell you what to do with that boy right there.

You know, I don't have any script or ceremony

to talk to you about.

No kid in his right mind wanna hear what I've gotta say.

I'll move on in the spring.

- [Roy] Why don't you just come back?

- To your world?

Lil too late for that.

Just tell that boy what you know,

watch his back.

That's the only secret handshake there is.

- What that?

Doesn't smell bad.

- [Jerry] I smell bacon.

Heaven smells like bacon.

- There's no place like home,

there's no place like home,

there's no place like home. - Dude,

I am so hungry.

- [Jerry] Must not be that far off the grid.

Somebody's been to the market.

- I don't know if a Kroger sells quail eggs

and wild hogs and wild rainbow trout,

but more power to them if they do.

Cup of Joe, son?

- Coffee?

You have coffee?

- I've never had coffee before.

- It's acquired taste.

You might wanna try something

a little tamer than what I have.

- No, sir.

- Suit yourself.

- How you like that, half calf?

Soy choy pumpkin spice with sprinkles on it, is it?

- You wouldn't happen to have

any light almond milk, would you?

- Black and chewy, buddy.

That's all your barista has for you today.

- [Jerry] Well it's good, it's good.

(calm music)

This is good.

- [Brody] I like this fish.

- [Charlie] This bacon's better than at least

one of my marriages.

- Well, you know, squirrel tastes like chicken.

- I wouldn't get too comfy.

Got a lot of miles ahead of you today.

River's about a half mile in that direction.

Follow upstream til you come to the fork.

Stay to your right when splits,

will take you up to Ridge.

A ranger station over that hill.

- You're not coming with us?

- Well pay anything you ask.

- I'm sorry. - You have to help us.

- What do you think I just did?

Follow your leader here.

Y'all stay together, you'll be fine.

Some fresh water.

- No, need help with that.

- If you run out, river's pretty clean

and some squirrel jerky.

You're all so fond of that.

Here something for you, take this.

We'll make an ode.

- Please come with us.

- You can do this, you have too.

Good luck.

- All right, men, let's break camp and get going.

There are a lot of important and productive things

I'm confident I can do.

I can edit and grammar check manuscripts,

mow my front yard,

run without using the hand rails on an elliptical trainer

and drive a minivan.

The list of what I can't do is sadly a lot longer.

I can't dunk a basketball, saddle a horse

without him biting me or run a power tool

any stronger than a cordless drill.

But something inside really does stir the soul

when your boots are on the ground

stomping through the woods,

breathing air and hearing raw unprocessed sounds

like you're the first guy ever to walk there.

You have to wonder if this isn't what a man

is designed to do?

At least part of what he's supposed to be.

(water trickles)

- Yeah. - Yes, yes,

fork in the river.

At least we're getting close.

- No, that's not what he said.

- [Charlie] How far have we gone?

- Nowhere near 20 miles, I can tell you that.

- [Charlie] We've been walking all day, Roy.

Wait, wait, what are you saying?

- I don't know how far we've gone.

It could be 19 and a half miles, it could be a lot less.

- Hey, how much daylight you think we got?

- Sun's below the mountain.

So an hour, maybe two.

- No Roy, no.

- Hey, he can't help when it gets dark.

It's not his fault.

- I can't do another night out here.

- We may not have a choice.

We're on our own now, you know?

We're gonna have to do what we have to do, Charlie, right?

- We're not gonna get anything done sitting around here

whining about this.

Let's go, we gotta try.

- [Roy] Come on, let's move.

Let's go Brody.

Get going, bud.

(calm music)

(leaves crack)

No, we're not gonna make it, guys.

- Yeah, we know.

- Need to build a shelter

and see if I can remember how to do this.

Jerry, Charlie, I need you guys to find

about a half a dozen really big logs

or large branches

and find every branch leaf you can find

some we can fill it in

and Brody and I will start a fire.

All right? - Okay.

- [Roy] Brody, how you doing, bud?

- [Brody] Good.

- [Roy] Let me get that thing going.

Here you go.

- No.

I'm going to need a flat rock and your Flint.

- [Roy] I'll go find you that rock.

Alright, here you go.

(rock clicks)

Closer, closer, you're getting there.

There you go.

(lively music)

♪ In your dreams, you said said sail ♪

♪ And you slide off the rail ♪

♪ You crash and you fall trying to understand it all ♪

♪ You're so lost, just won't all ♪

♪ Running from the truth, you got a lot to prove ♪

♪ Fist in each hand, you fight hard to be a man ♪

♪ And get knocked down at every round ♪

♪ Some hands go to work and some just wanna play ♪

♪ Some hands are reaching out and some just wanna take ♪

♪ Some hands are clenched tight and a fist is all they make ♪

- Yes! - Cool, that was awesome.

♪ It's not something that we can sing ♪

♪ It's just between you and me ♪

♪ Whispering words won't help you understand ♪

♪ Not every boy becomes a man ♪

♪ Make a deal with doing right ♪

♪ Don't bargain your mistakes ♪

♪ If you don't give up, then you've got what it takes ♪

♪ Have a hand someone can shake ♪

- You got it, go.

All right. - Oh,

yes, yes.

- Man, I don't ever remember fish tasting that good.

You know, be good to have some of that

chewable coffee for dessert.

You talked to that woods guy for awhile, huh?

- Yeah.

- He's on the run, ain't he?

- Why you say that?

- I mean, he's gotta be on the run.

He wouldn't let a bunch of guys like us go off by ourselves.

I mean, this thing could have gone bad,

or at least they could've gotten worse.

- But it didn't.

- You know, it's actually pretty warm in there.

I threw down some more pine needles and leaves.

It's like a feather bed.

- I don't care if it's hard as rock.

Boys, I'm tired.

My eyes are getting heavy.

- Well there's space for each of us.

Sorry, Brody, can't do anything about Jerry's snoring.

- At least my snoring don't stink.

- [Charlie] Hey.

- Did you all hear him last night?

I mean, look, don't nobody light to match

inside there tonight

because we'll all go up like the Hindenburg.

It's sounded like a bunch of monkeys jumping up

and down on whoopee Cushion.

- Hey guys, I wanna say something.

I'm sorry about all this, but you know,

at least we're gonna have some stories to tell.

- Think we're getting close?

- Yeah, I think one good climb tomorrow

and we'll be in the park.

- Roy, I wanna apologize too.

Sorry about what I said about you.

Thank you.

- Hey, you think we need to you know,

do something about you manhood plan?

- No, I think we've done it.

- Well I'm glad to hear that

'cause I'm telling you my feet hurt,

my ankles hurt, my knees hurt,

my back hurts, the back of my back hurts.

Oh man.

I'll tell you what,

y'all better stuff some cotton in your ears.

I'm going down.

Hey Brody, look just remember this,

make a lot of money,

don't hit girls, say no to drugs, later.

- He's very deep, isn't he?

Say you're sorry to Mr. Roper's daughter.

Matter of fact, say you're sorry of a lot.

This life thing will go easier.

(fire cracks)

- I am sorry, Mr. Roper.

- I know.

Different looking sky out here, isn't it?

There's Sirius.

Orion's over there, see his belt?

Capricorn, bear.

- The little dipper.

- You know your stars.

- My dad did.

He taught me some.

There's one named for me out there, somewhere.

He bought it for me when I was born.

- You're own star.

How cool is that?

- But sometimes I wonder

if he's up there

on my star.

- I wouldn't bet against it.

- Do you miss your dad, Mr. Roper?

(calm music)

- Every day.

Even though I don't think about him, I miss him.

- I found him, you know?

In the yard.

I finished mowing the back

then I came around to the front where he was raking

and there he was.

How old were you?

- I was your age.

- Did you cry?

- No, not in front of anybody.

- I guess you wouldn't have liked that.

- I used to think that

I would become a dad.

Now I think he'd be just fine with it.

- I miss him.

- I didn't know your dad, Brody.

But I think I know what he'd tell you after all this.

Consider your paths,

that you have what it takes to be a man.

- Is what your dad told you?

- He didn't get the chance either.

So I'm telling you from both of them.

(lively music)

- Ah, I done told you

I'm here picking up campers.

- Shorty, Shorty!

It's Shorty!

(Charlie laughs)

- Yes! - Oh yeah, oh yeah.

- Shorty, Shorty.

(everyone laughs)

- Where's the food?

Food, food me.

(Charlie laughs)

- Darrell, how did you know to come here?

- You called, right?

So here I am.

- This is your gear?

- Yeah, did you get those?

- No. - No, no, no, no, no,

these were here when I opened up.

I'm curious, how long were you guys up there?

- [Roy] Two days.

- [Ranger] Oh, two days.

- [Roy] Yeah and two nights.

- Oh.

No backpacks?

- No.

It's a funny story.

- Okay. - Yeah.

Of all the male initiation rituals I came across,

I think my favorite is the one from one

of the native American tribes.

The 13 year old boy's led away from his village

and left to spend one long and difficult night

in the woods, all alone.

If he makes it through,

at the first light of day,

the boy sees at the edge of the forest,

his warrior father standing guard.

As he had been watching over him

all through the night.

- [Jerry] I'm gonna buy me a tent

and then I'm gonna buy me a gun.

- Hey, Roper.

- Huh? - Uh-hem.

Yeah.

- You're gonna break me, Darrell.

(Jolie laughs)

- Hey daddy. - Hi daddy.

- Hello

You take that, you take that.

Thank you. - Hello girls.

- Hello. - Wanna see Shorty?

(Jolie laughs)

- Oh I missed you.

- [Roy] I missed you too.

- And how was our little camping trip?

- I'll let you know in a second.

- I'm sorry.

Is there any way maybe we could start over and be friends?

- Sure.

(calm music)

- Have you seen shorty?

- [Ashley] How could I miss him?

- It's pretty awesome. - I think it went pretty well.

- You are kind of stinky.

- I am kinda stinky. - You are.

- But you like it. - I love it.

Oh I can not wait to hear the story.

I'll go fix us some kale smoothies.

- [Roy] Oh good, yum.

- Thank you, Mr. Roper.

- Anytime.

- Really?

- Really.

Now get outta here.

(door clanks)

(leaves crack)

- I'm back, mom.

No mom, I'm back.

- [Roy] It's been said that in the heart of every man,

there is an adventure to live,

a battle to fight and a princess to rescue.

I used to think the guy with the minivan and a mortgage

had to go to the woods to find those things.

I go to the woods a lot now but like figured something out.

- [Jolie] Drink your smoothie.

- [Danielle] Ewe, you put beets in it.

- [Jolie] Can't taste it.

- [Roy] There's an adventure,

a battle and a princess to rescue every single day

in a man's life no matter where he is.

- [Kirsten] You stole my skirt.

- [Roy] As long as he knows that

and does something about it,

then he's got what it takes to be a man.

And oh yeah, it really is amazing

what finishing something does for the soul.

- [Jolie] Bus is here girls, let's go.

- Kisses for dad, please.

(lively music)

And a glorious day, loves of my life.

(rock music)

To be continued.

♪ To grandma's house we go ♪

♪ To grandma's house we go ♪

(calm music)

♪ The nights are long ♪

♪ But the years are longer since you went away ♪

♪ Though I'm alone ♪

♪ I know I must hold on ♪

♪ And every time I long to see your face ♪

♪ Or hold your hand ♪

♪ I think about your smile ♪

♪ So I can say ♪

♪ I know I hurt, I feel, I cry ♪

♪ But still, you're there ♪

♪ Standing right beside me in the light of the moon ♪

♪ In the stars, in the wind I feel your face ♪

♪ You're standing right beside me ♪

♪ I want to thank you ♪

♪ Not a day goes by ♪

♪ Where I don't think about your name ♪

♪ But I hold on ♪

♪ And will I learn ♪

♪ What it takes to be a man ♪

♪ And every time I long to see your face ♪

♪ Or hold your hand, I think about your smile ♪

♪ So I can stand ♪

♪ That I know I hurt, I feel ♪

♪ I cry but still, you're there ♪

♪ You're standing right beside me ♪

♪ In the light of the moon, in the stars ♪

♪ In the wind I feel your face ♪

♪ You're standing right beside me all the time ♪

♪ Oh strong and mighty warrior man ♪

♪ The hero of my dreams ♪

♪ Attend the hearted mystery ♪

♪ Standing on my star watching over me ♪

♪ And now I know I hurt, I feel ♪

♪ I cry but still you're there ♪

♪ Standing right beside me ♪

♪ In the light of the moon ♪

♪ In the stars, in the sun I see your face ♪

♪ You're standing right beside me all the time ♪

♪ I wanna thank you ♪

♪ I want to thank you ♪

♪ I wanna thank you ♪