Original subtitles

-And... Go, lighting cue 27.

Adult mark (v.O.): I dreamt of being onstage,

But if the closest I could get was being backstage,

I'd take it!

-Woman: Ahhh! -[door slams]

-Who the hell are you?

And what are you doing in my wife's room?

-[audience laughter] -mr lewis: Wait...

This isn't my room?!

[audience laughter]

Mr lewis: Well, I'm as shocked as you are!

Excuse me!

Adult mark (v.O.): Mr. Lewis had asked me to stage manage

The latest production of his amateur theatre troupe.

It wasn't acting, but it was close.

Clar: I can't believe you'd do this to me, jila!

Mr lewis: Uh...

That was the closet!

Clar: Get outta here!

[audience laughter]

-And...

Go to black.

[applause and laughter]

-And cue lights for bow.

[applause]

-Woo! -[applause continues]

Adult mark (v.O.): I had the best seat in the house.

?

Man: Guys, that was fantastic.

-Mark, my good man! How was it?

-Burton couldn't have done it better, sir!

-[chuckles]

Almost shagged the gag with the suspenders, though, eh?

-No, it was the biggest laugh of the run.

-[chuckles] you're too kind.

Grab us a cold one, will ya?

The old instrument is parched.

Nice.

Adult mark (v.O.): I had finally found my people:

Adults.

They treated me like an equal.

-I'd die for a sandwich.

Adult mark (v.O.): An equal who was also a butler.

I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

Mr. Lewis: Very good.

Adult mark (v.O.): My brother, meanwhile,

Was where he shouldn't be.

-Okay, okay, okay!

I'm not gonna get anything done with you here.

I'm supposed to be on the air in 15 minutes!

-You want me to leave?

-Well, see, I never said that.

I think we're acting a little rash, maybe...

[door opens]

[dick whistling]

-Oh no... That's your dad!

Hey, dick!

What are you doing back?

Dick: Left me keys again.

There ya are!

[keys jingle]

Lucky rabbit's foot, wha?

Yer mudder gave me that from one her dad shot.

Got a date tonight. Needs all the luck I can get.

Later.

[silent laughter]

Dick: By the way...

She don't got no other of these laying around, do she?

-Nope.

-Missus I'm dating fancies one.

If ya sees any...

-I'll keep an eye out. -Thanks.

You're some wingman!

-[both laugh] -[door closes]

[laughter]

-Oh... He's gonna need that keychain your mom got him!

But you, on the other hand...

-Can we maybe not talk about dick and my mother

At this exact moment?

-Right. Sorry.

Where were we?

[romantic music]

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[tv playing]

-Where's mark?

That friggin' play should be over by now.

-Relax, mary. He'll be home soon.

-[sighs]

Adult mark (v.O.): My folks were expert worriers.

Mom with kidnapping, and dad with electrical fires.

-If that child isn't in his bed in 15 minutes,

I'm calling the police.

[traditional music playing]

-[music shuts off] -hey!

What did you do that for?

-It's time for bed.

-You could've scratched my record!

You know, I'm part of a club now.

Twelve new records for a penny!

-Sounds too good to be true.

-Ah-ah. It's not a scam.

They make their money based on volume.

Cancel anytime.

It's all in the fine print.

Ah, and now that I've got the records I need,

I'm gonna cancel.

-You're gonna end up on the hook for a lot more.

-You think I'm stupid?

Nah! I used your name to sign up.

-What? -'night!

Adult mark (v.O.): Out of the spotlight

And into the daylight,

The next day brought the hangover of reality.

-Well, that's all the props.

Oh, that wasn't broken when we took it.

-Borrowed it.

I'm sure that's fine. It has character now.

Listen, I'm having everyone over for a little end-of-run do.

You should come.

It's tonight at my place. Abraham street.

Any time after 7.

-Oh, I'd love to.

-And it's a potluck, okay?

Adult mark (v.O.): I thought I'd be well into my 20s

Before I got an invitation to a potluck.

How adult!

-Hey. Just bringing back your toys?

-Uh, props!

Mr. Lewis was awesome. I really wish you could've come.

-Who wants to watch a play when you can see a movie?

Oh, don't forget.

I'm off on tonight, first time in forever.

And it's pay week, so we're gonna go see tremors.

I've been dying to see it.

Adult mark (v.O.): Double-booked.

-Uh...

That?

I... I dunno.

-Don't be such a baby.

It's not that scary.

I'll let ya hold my hand for the scary parts.

Adult mark (v.O.): Oh, I was scared, alright.

-What if I told you that I was invited to something

Even better tonight?

-There's no way it's better than killer sand worms.

-Not even a house party?

-Ugh!

Rank beer, bad music, and jocks lighting their farts on fire?

No thanks.

-[sighs] well...

It's just kind of like a one-night-only thing.

The movie will be there next week.

Please?

-Alright. Yeah, fine.

I mean, at least we're still hanging out together.

-Great.

Adult mark (v.O.): Going to a work party as a couple!

What could be more grown-up than that?

?

[dance version of glenn miller, "in the mood"]

-What? Jesus...

[music blasts onto speakers]

-What's all the racket?

-They mailed me a new record,

Glen miller, but there's something off.

-It's a remix, pop.

They take an old song and put a dance beat on it.

Sacrilege, if you ask me.

-Well, at least it's cheap.

"twelve hot records for one cool penny!"

-The first 12 are cheap.

You didn't cancel in time!

You owe them 12 dollars and 13 cents.

-See? That's how they get ya. -Jesus, it's a scam!

-Where are you going with my fondue set?

You better bring all those skewers back.

-It's just a party. Some folks from the play.

-Hold on, is this the old folks?

-They're not that old, mom.

-They're as old as I am!

-So they're young!

-It's not normal. -Oh, come on.

-Fox is going too.

-I hope you like it, 'cause you're payin' for it!

-Actually, I love it!

[turns music up]

-Would you turn that racket down?

-What? I can't hear you!

[music blasting]

-Come on. Come on!

Hey!

Woo, woo, woo!

-You should'a told me the dress code was "nerd."

-We make a striking couple.

-What? -[knocks rhythmically]

-[exhales] you ready? -What was that?

-I dunno.

-Oh, mark! Perfect timing.

Tell me what's on me godforsaken head, would ya?

-Uh... Hmm. Uh, canine problem-solver.

[distant laughter]

-What? Come on, man, giddy up!

Tell me! They're torturing me in there.

What is it?

-It's- it's "the littlest hobo."

-Ah!

-What? -You're supposed to guess!

-"the littlest hobo." come in, come in!

-Okay.

-Mark, why are we going into a teacher's house?

-What? Come on. -What?

[indistinct chatter]

Mr lewis: Come in.

Mark: Gang, this is the ol' ball and chain.

Jennifer, meet the hibernian players!

-Fondue! Thank you so much!

-Thank you so much for having us, mrs. Lewis.

-So, did you see the show?

-No, no, I work most nights.

-Oh. -Jennifer's in retail.

-Yeah, uh, the it store.

We sell bongs, fake dog poop, mugs shaped like boobs-

-Uh, speaking of mugs, you look like you could use a refill.

-Oh my god. Hold on to that one, jennifer.

-You're being weird. I- -come on!

-Okay, charades!

-Yes! -That's for kids.

Uh... Wait, why are we doing this?

Man: Yes, okay.

Uh, I got this. Okay.

Mr lewis: Clock. Clock?

Clock spin. Clock... Bird.

Bird. Sweet bird of youth!

-Ooh, the byrds! The band, the byrds?

Mr lewis: Crazy... Crazy birds?

-Here, you take that.

Take that in...

Alright, go on in.

You can go play video games with the boys if you want.

Mr lewis: Up in the sky!

-Ooh, ooh, "one flew over the cuckoo's nest"!

-Yes, man!

Man: Well done! Mr lewis: Okay, my turn.

Woman: Aw, I was gonna guess that!

Mr lewis: Ready?

-30 seconds, yes!

Knows I don't know how to pick the toilet-break bangers!

[sneaky music]

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?

-I'm like a father to you!

Hey! And I am your father!

Your father is like a brother to me.

[gasps] it's- it's like...

Insects!

-No, dick, it's not incest .

-You know she's only with you to get back at her old man, right?

-You know, she's known me longer than she's known you!

[com turns on]

-I wanted to tell you about us,

But this one was too scared.

But you know what?

Shag the pair 'a ya.

-You're not my wingman no more.

[door opens and shuts]

-[sighs]

Fox: Okay, go further. Go left...

Keep running past the castle.

Okay, jump now!

Nice! Yeah, you got it.

[video game sounds]

-Hey, fox?

[video game sounds]

-Why are you hiding away in here?

It's our date night.

-That's what I thought, too.

[video game sounds]

-It's my turn.

[video game sounds]

Adult mark (v.O.): I could win an oscar

For acting like an adult.

But I still had no idea how to act my age.

-Everything's unplugged.

I'm going to bed.

You okay?

-Mark's still out with that old crowd.

-He's fine. He's older than they are.

-Still a baby to me.

-Want me to plug the lamps back in?

-No, it's fine.

-Alright, goodnight.

-'night.

?

[sighs]

Mr lewis: To be or not to be.

That is the question.

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows

Of outrageous fortune, or to take arms

Against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them...

Adult mark (v.O.): Finally. She'd come to her senses.

-To sleep...

-I'm leaving.

Adult mark (v.O.): Or maybe not.

-But the night isn't over yet.

-He's our teacher. You're a kid, mark.

-Not to them, I'm not.

Come back, please.

Let's not make a scene.

-I thought you loved "scenes."

[applause]

-Uh, thanks, mr. Lewis.

-Oh, you're leaving so soon?

-Yeah, I got a test I gotta study for, so...

-Oh.

-I'll, uh, I'll see you at school... Sir.

-Okay.

-Uh... Uh, sorry.

Uh, fox- uh, jennifer- reminded me of the time.

You know me, if I don't get a solid 8 hours,

Not enough coffee in the world, so...

Thanks, mrs. Lewis.

Thank you so much, kevin.

I mean, hell of a home.

-Mm-hm.

[chuckles] very good.

-Aah, fox!

Wait up! Please, fox!

I'm...

I'm just confused!

I thought you'd get along with them!

-Why?

-I... I dunno.

You work; you look after your brothers...

You're one of the most grown-up people I know!

-So, being an adult for you is playing make-believe,

But for me, it's working 25 hours a week

While going to school and taking care of my little brother?

-That's- that's not what I'm- -okay.

Only a kid would say something so stupid.

-Mrs. Critch!

-I believe you have my fondue pot.

I would like it back.

-Madame.

-Sorry for the mess.

-Mr. Lewis, I would like to know something.

-Mm-hm?

-I want to know why you're spending so much time with mark.

I don't think I like it.

-Oh.

Jeez, I had no idea. I figured you were okay with it.

He was so dedicated to the play,

I didn't have the heart to leave him out.

He's a hard worker, your son.

And he- he listens.

-Hmph. News to me.

-Most of the students that I teach,

They think that theatre arts is a burnout course.

But mark is different.

You know, he really cares.

And you've gotta know that he's really talented, right?

-Oh...

-And maybe it's a bit selfish, but, uh...

Y'know, it's nice to be a mentor.

When a kid says they want to be an actor, most adults say no.

And I just wanted to be the one who says "yes," y'know?

-Well, that's awfully nice of you.

-Here she is all washed up, ready to go home.

Your lovely pot, and three skewers.

-Ah.

[line trilling]

-Yeah?

-Hi, uh, could I speak with jennifer, please?

-Nope.

[crunching loudly]

-Please? -No, b'y.

She's here, but she don't wanna talk to ya,

'cause you're a dick!

-Could you just-

-Dick, dick, dick, dick, dick!

[dial tone]

-What's the matter? Wrong number?

-Fox is mad at me 'cause I broke our movie date

To hang out with some older folks.

So I'm mature!

How is this a problem?

-Well, it is if you forgot to be a kid.

You know, when you're young,

You're in such a rush to grow up.

[chuckles]

But trust me,

There isn't one of those old people

Who wouldn't change places with you for a second.

You know, you've got your whole life ahead of you

To make mistakes.

When you're my age, you'll look back

And you'll think about those mistakes,

And boy, they're the best part.

Ah...

You just stay a kid as long as you can.

[chuckles]

-So how do I make it up to fox?

-Just do something nice.

And no theatrics.

Just keep it simple, romeo.

-Could I get a loan?

-[sighs]

Ah...

Here.

Fifteen.

Oh, and let me ask you,

Do you think I'll like the beastie boys?

Adult mark (v.O.): You can be too young to be old,

But you're never too old to be young.

-Sure. -Yeah.

[chuckles]

-You've been avoiding me ever since I got here.

And now that I'm messing around with mike,

All of a sudden you wants to be my dad?

-I missed the first 20 years.

I don't wanna miss no more.

-Well, let's just...

Start from here and...

See how it goes.

-I knows I don't know ya, but I wanna start.

Dinner date, scampers, once a week?

-Ah, okay, let's just...

Take it slow.

Mike: I gotta admit, I'm kinda relieved

That we're out in the open.

I mean, I felt so bad lying to you about dating.

-Dating?

We're just havin' a bit of fun, campbell.

[dick chuckles]

-Uh-huh.

Yeah. Yeah.

Casual!

Now, is that, like, exclusively casual, or...?

-Let's just take it slow, 'kay?

-[sighs]

You could do worse.

I give you my blessing.

-I didn't ask for it.

But...

Thanks.

[door opens and shuts]

-I'm your wingman now!

-Ooh, mom, I'm sorry! I forgot the, uh-

-Mr. Lewis was kind enough to wash it for me.

It's okay, mark.

I'm so proud of you.

You know, I envy you sometimes.

I wish I had something that brought me as much happiness

As acting brings to you.

But... You're still a kid, my ducky.

With responsibilities to your education beyond theatre arts.

-I know.

I promise I'll focus more on school.

But...

I know I get carried away, but mr. Lewis is just...

-A teacher, hon.

-I know.

-But he's very nice.

-Thanks, mom.

-By the way, I am still missing three skewers.

-For your right...

To paaaar-ty!

Adult mark (v.O.): Life is a series of firsts and lasts.

-Trust me.

Hmm? [giggles]

Adult mark (v.O.): The first date...

-Just in time.

Adult mark (v.O.): First kiss...

-Oh, gross, girl germs!

-Jerk. [chuckles] thanks.

Adult mark (v.O.): Your first love...

Or your last chance.

Dick: Oh, god...

-Wonder how long it'll take you before you scream.

Aw, man, you're gonna embarrass me, aren't you?

-Yeah. -Yeah.

-Yeah. -[chuckles]

Adult mark (v.O.): So don't be in a rush to grow up.

Because, if we're being honest,

Fondue isn't half as good as popcorn.

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