All language subtitles for Small Achievable Goals s01e01 Judy Bloomed.eng

[upbeat music]

[julie panting and grunting]

[upbeat music continues]

Oh, hi.

[whispers] love you.

[upbeat music continues]

[gasps] oh my god!

[chuckles] I'm sorry.

Julie muldoon.

Hi, it's me. It's kris,

? with a k ?

Oh, big important ideas fan.

Oh, hey!
- Wait, wait, wait!

What are you doing?

Ah, new colleague hugs.
That's what I'm doing.

Come here.

You work here?
- I do now.

You probably
know me from tiktok.

I do those makeup glow-ups.

Boop! You know the...

Do you know the?
- I do not.

You know what? Hug me.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
Not a hugger.

Personal space.

Look at me,
I'm hugging myself.

Ooh, ooh, mm mm mm.

And oh, guess what?

Oh my god, honey, I can
see your breast silhouette.

[gasps] oh my gosh!
- It's okay.

And it's a new shirt,
you know,

And I overheated slightly.

Oh, okay. Yeah, that's, you
know, I'm gonna just do it.

No, first day,
I'm getting the door.

Here we go. Oh.

Um, no, you have,
you have to pull.

No, I am, I'm pulling.

Okay. Nope. Pull.

No, no, that's what I'm doing,
I'm pulling.

See, look. Pull, pull,
pull, pull, pull.

I am pulling!

Pulls the other way.

I'm doing it, I'm doing it.
- Okay, just move.

No, no, I'll do it!

Ow!
- Oh!

Oh my god, are you okay?

I need you to hug me.

No.
- Okay. That's fine.

Here, julie, wait up.
Let's go.

[julie].
No.

[kris].
Got it.

I got it with my butt.

[upbeat alt-electronic music]

? I feel it all,
I feel it all ?

? eh! Eh! ?

? ooh, ooh! ?

? I feel it all! ?

[evan].
I'm gonna introduce you

To some of the people
you'll be working with.

They are amazing.

[kris].
Okay.

Hey everybody.

This is kris.
- Yay!

She's the host of
our new podcast,

Glow up
with kris.

I discovered
her on tiktok.

Ha.
- You're welcome.

Thank you.
- Ha ha.

Mmm. This is chelsey.

She's the host of the
"it could happen to you"

Podcast.

[chelsey].
I love your tiktoks.

Blush for the blue
collar bunch?

High five.

Oh my god,
you're so kind.

Thank you so much.
I love your podcast.

I love your hair.
I love braids.

Your everything. Thank you.
- Thank you.

That's jamila,
operations director.

Hello. Hi.

[evan].
Robyn, producer of "it could happen to you."

Larry, sound.

And that is mo. Hr.

Oh, hi. Oh my god.
I love hr.

I love it. Oh my god.
Hr. Yay.

Whoops. Okay.

Uh, we always consent
to a hug here.

Ah, I'm a hugger though.

No, I'm sorry.
Joking.

Office policy. Check!

Not going to do
that, sorry.

Uh, yeah, I'm gonna...

Uh, you can't sit there.

Oh my gosh. Okay.
I'm so sorry.

Uh, that's our
boss's seat.

Yeah, but he's never
in the office.

So don't sit in the chair
that no one sits in.

[mo].
Take my seat. That's fine.

Okay. Thanks.
- Yeah.

Good morning, everyone.

Big day for some of us.

Let's get started,
shall we?

I'll bring michael in.

Good morning.
Good morning.

I know you've all
been waiting for this announcement,

And I think we
can all agree,

That the podcast folx

Was founded on
big important ideas.

We branched out
to massive hits

Like man planet,
obviously,

And as the media
landscape evolves,

So shall we.

And so, guiding us through
this new, exciting chapter,

I am very pleased
to announce

Our new managing director,
evan vandergrift.

Thank you, michael.

[evan clearing throat]
[everyone clapping]

Julie, if you could just...

Pop a squat.

Ruining my moment. [chuckles]

Get down there, julie.

Everyone, as your new
managing director...

I got skipped.

[muted evan speaking]

I got fucking skipped again?

Julie, do you have
something to say?

Oh, uh, no, no.
- Good. Okay.

Actually, yeah, yeah, I do.

Excuse me.

Michael, I have known
you for 25 years.

We came up together.

I wrote your business plan.

I put off having kids because
you said you needed me here,

And then I had to have
ivf to have oliver.

And you skipped me yet again
for this marketing major

Who just makes dumb sports shows
and crappy murder podcasts!

Hey!

Robyn, your podcast investigates
the murders of girls

Who look exactly like chelsey.

It is deeply weird on
a number of levels.

It's true, they do.
Oh my god.

I'm triggered.

Chelsey, the breeze
triggers you.

[larry].
Harsh.

Like john lennon said-

Larry, shut up
about the beatles.

Evan, if you sit
in that chair,

I will wear your
balls as a necklace.

[employees murmuring]

Um, so in conclusion,
congratulations evan.

[kris].
Pssst!

Okay. That happened.

How is everybody else?

[disconcerting music]

[evan].
I am so sorry about julie.

Normally she's
as dry as toast.

[evan chuckling]

That's okay.

Uh, okay.

So kris, what
are we gonna do?

A podcast.

Yeah.
- Yeah.

[evan].
Yes we are.

But, you know, what are
we really gonna do?

We're really gonna do it
with really a podcast.

Walk me through how
you see this going.

Oh, okay. Um, so I went viral

For my glow-ups on middle-aged
women using beauty dupes.

So it's like me,
everybody's best friend,

And I'm talking
to other women,

And then they're gonna
be my best friends-

Okay. Yeah, I got that part.
- Okay.

But, you know, that only
hits one quadrant, right?

When you talk about
the podcast like that,

All I'm hearing is old.

In four months,

Half your followers
could be dead.

[chuckles] yeah, you got a
dominion drug mart audience,

But we wanna get you
a sephora audience.

Good. That's, yeah.
What does that mean?

It means, I'm gonna give
your glow up show a glow up.

Ooh. [chuckles]

And we're gonna
do that by...

Drum roll please.

Oh, I do the drum roll.
- Drum roll, yeah.

[imitates a drum roll]

[evan].
We're gonna do that by...

Yes?

Adding a younger co-host!

So are you suggesting I
need a younger co-host

'cause you think I'll
be dead in four months?

Do you have an issue supporting
younger women, kris?

No, my gosh, not at all.
I, I love younger women.

I have one at home.
I love her very much.

I hug her all the time, so, no-
- [muted] right.

[tense music]

[kris vo].
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. Not now.

I'm so sorry.
Can we talk about this later?

If you have an issue
advocating for younger women,

I can totally set you up
with a meeting with hr,

Because here at
the podcast folx...

[tense music]

[kris vo]
it's okay. It's okay. I'm okay.

Um, no need for hr.

I really love young women.

I, I think they're great.
I think you're great.

This all sounds
really wonderful

And I'm just gonna
think about it. Can we,

And I'm gonna talk
about it to you later.

Thank you very much.
I'm just...

[quirky frantic music]

?

[kris].
You're just gonna go back in there

And you are gonna stick
up for yourself, okay?

You're gonna say, hey evan,

You fool me once,
shame on, shame on the sha-

Yo, you she fool me again,

And shame on fooling.

[julie].
That's not how the quote goes.

Oh my god, julie, thank god.

Listen, do you happen to have
an extra pad or two or three?

I just need to get
through the day.

Sure.
- Yes. Thank you.

Hey.

How are you?

That was quite
something in there.

I don't know what that was.

It was like my
internal monologue

Suddenly became external.

You know what?

I like that you don't care
that people don't like you.

People like me!

Sorry, no pad.

You know what?
It doesn't matter.

I am just going to macgyver

An extra layer around
these pads with some tp.

Just a safety layer.

Holy moly.

It's unpredictable.

It's a tsunami of blood.

You never know how
long or how much.

You'd think at 44, my period
would not surprise me anymore.

Surprise!

Sharon at the doctor's
reception said it was normal.

She'd know. She's all right.
She's nice. She'd know.

You know what I'm
talking about?

The cramping is bad. So bad.

Like my uterus feels like it's
been in a head-on collision.

[tense music]
[muted murmuring]

I will wear your
balls as a necklace!

[sighs] fantastic.

Happy birthday to me.

Oh my god,
it is your birthday?

? happy birthday to you ?
- no, no, no.

Oh my gosh.

[kris].
Look, birthday swirl.

[julie].
Look, I don't want [sighs].

[kris].
? happy birthday to you ?

[julie].
Oh my god, please don't sing.

Fireworks!
? happy birthday dear julie

? happy birthday to you ?

Oh, cute!

Your little emotional
support statue.

That's my peabody.

Julie, kris.

Michael came into the office
today and he'd like to see you.

Good. I would like
to see him too.

And I'd like to meet him.

[robyn].
You gotta button up.

[quirky upbeat music]

After I had drinks with you,
I had drinks with evan

And he pitched me a
vision for the future.

It's all about numbers.

It's about youth.
It's about quadrants.

He made this pie chart.
Have you seen this thing?

So you were swayed by
pie charts and martinis?

Well, he sees the big picture.

But you're the
better producer.

So that's why I'm putting
you on kris' show.

Well, big important ideas
takes up most of my time. So I-

Yeah, I'm cancelling that.

What?!

[michael].
It has low numbers.

The ratings have been in
free fall for some time now.

So you don't give
me the promotion,

You cancel my
"award-winning" show,

And now you want me to do
a stupid makeup podcast

With some random tiktoker?

Do I have that right?

Come on, come on. Let's,
let's make this work, okay?

We need her numbers.

[julie].
Oh, does it help evan's pie chart?

If you're not
comfortable doing this,

I can get someone
else to produce it.

Just business, julie.

Just business.

Feels deeply personal.

Michael! Oh, kris!

I, um, I gotta go.

This tp is just not
gonna hold, so.

You're kidding me.
- I wish I was.

Well, I'm your new producer.

Are you kidding me?

I wish I was.
- Oh my god. Okay, listen.

If you're my new producer,
you need to do me a favour.

No co-host, please,
just no co-host.

Oh, well then walk away.

You must have tons with
all your tiktok followers.

It's not what people think.

I don't make a lot
of money on tiktok.

And I only made minimum
wage at dominion drug mart.

I got 30% off so
sometimes it worked out,

But not really.

Sometimes in this business,

You have to do things which
you really don't wanna do.

Really? Is that how
you won your peabody?

I won it for
journalistic excellence.

You don't know anything
about podcasting.

Well, you know nothing
about modern times.

I know everything
about modern times!

Everyone on your
shirt is dead!

[julie sighing]

Listen, I gotta go.
This tp is not holding.

Hi!
- Hello.

You ready for the photo shoot?

Oh, well that's just,

That's not a confirmed
thing though, is it?

Well...

Hiya!
- Oh!

Okay, so I have so
many ideas for poses.

How do you feel about
doing a handstand?

[laughs] I'm excited.
- [jessie] right?

[kris vo].
Oh my god, oh my god. Not again. Please.

[evan] let's walk and talk.
- [jessie] okay.

[evan].
Yeah. Um, julie, you ready to,

You know, get up
and do your job?

Be right there!

[quirky upbeat music]

Fuck!

Yes.

Now in the comments when
they say 'come to brazil',

Did they mean that literally?

[robyn].
Kris?

Oh no, I have use the bathroom.

Yeah, they're cleaning
it right now.

No, uh...
- Excuse me.

So your makeshift change room

Is just in mo's
office on the corner.

Welcome to the glorious
life of podcasting.

Listen, you don't happen to
have an ol' french baguette?

Pardon?

Well, it's just I have
a visitor in the red tent.

You want me to feed
them a baguette?

No, no, no. I can say pad.
Do you have a pad?

I, I need a pad.
Do you have one?

You know, environmentally,

A menstrual cup
would be better.

You know, it takes
five to 800 years

For a disposable
pad to break down.

Do you have like a cup,
or a bucket,

Or a chalice,

Or any open receptacle?

No, I'm sorry.

[kris sighing]

Your wardrobe selects
for the photo shoot

Are in your change room.

[quirky upbeat music]

Oh no.

They're all white!

Shit!

[julie].
Pete, I didn't get the promotion.

Michael gave it to evan,

And now I am stuck
producing some show

I don't even care about.

I don't know if I can do this!

Of course you can. Alright?

Look, you are the
strongest person I know.

You'll figure it out.

Just tell me I can quit.

You can quit!

I can't quit.

My job defines me.

What do you want me to say?

[julie on phone].
That you love me,

That I'm too good for this,

That someone in your family
died and left us a lot of money.

You're picturing
my aunt mable.

I am picturing
your aunt mable.

Wow.

I'm fifty.

I've worked too hard
to be treated this way.

I quit.

[alt-electronica music]
[camera clicking]

[evan].
Let's just get a couple solo ones

Before your co-host shows up.

Where is she?

Okay. Okay, you're okay.

[kris groaning]

[alt-electronica
music continues]

[kris sighing]

I'm sorry.

? daddy as fuck ?

? I feel daddy as fuck ?

? daddy as fuck ?

? I feel daddy as fuck ?

Not sure if I would want
more boob or less boob.

Is it too booby?
Is there not booby enough?

Do a little of both.
We can...

You good?
- Not good.

I am so far from good.

Okay, um, just...

Hey, um, she's not good.

So you want me to fix it?

Thank you.

What's the problem?

I don't want a co-host.

Okay, we'll just
take the picture.

Oh, julie, I can't.

Yeah, you can.
You just go take the picture.

No, I can't.

You just go and take the
picture and it'll be fine.

No no no, julie,
julie, I need pads.

You need an adult diaper.

I don't need an
adult diaper!

Why do you need
an adult diaper?

Because I'm bleeding!

Oh.

[quirky dispirited music]

?

Screw you, julie,

I don't need your
goddamn diapers.

[intercom announcement].
Manager to cash, manager to cash.

Hi, sheila.

Yeah.
- Of course.

Oh look, what are these?

It's a menstrual cup.

Oh my god, see the
size of these?

These, these are,
these are for like gnomes.

These are tiny little vaginas.

Gotta squeak that up there.

Yeah, you know what we
need for our old vaginas?

We need like a coffee
cup or a mason jar.

That's right, 'cause I could
just, bam, splash, sploosh.

Ten seconds, I'm
filling that up.

I need a goddamn gravy boat.

Set that down on your
table for a Sunday dinner.

Or don't, however
you like to roll.

How 'bout this?

A tupperware with a
really good seal.

Like one of those containers
that pho comes in

When you order out.
That's what you need.

Anyway, back to basics for me.

Super slenders.
[blows raspberry]

That's a bit of a joke,
isn't it really? For us?

That's just like throwing a
cotton ball into the ocean.

Mini. No one down
here is interested.

Ultra thin maxi.

Let me tell you what
that is, sheila...

Oxymoron.

Chlorine-free.

Goddamnit, girl,

When was it not chlorine-free?

And what do we have over here?

Oh, this is nice,
"scented for teens."

Wait, what are you? Stop.

'to cover up
unwanted odours.'

Well, here we go.

Now, I'm pretty sure the tweens
didn't think it was unwanted

'til they're told it was
unwanted by some corporate ceo

Just trying to make
bank off a child's shame.

And then they're building
a world of humiliation

Around the female
reproductive system.

Now isn't that nice?

I just stock the shelves.

We had to take it but
our daughters don't.

Guess what we're gonna do.

We're calling our daughters.

Get your phone out.
We doing this together.

Sheila, get your
goddamn phone out.

I, I can't.
- You can't.

I love you, sheila.
Do you love me?

Yes?
- Yeah?

We're calling our daughters.

[phone buzzing]

[saffron on phone].
Mom, what are you doing?

I'm in math class.

Listen to me right now.

Periods and vaginas are
more important than math.

What does mom always tell you?

Eyelash glue is for losers.

It's true. It completely is.

But people don't
need to like you,

But they need to respect you.

Yeah?

Okay. Okay, I'm about to
learn how to divide a fraction.

You will not be controlled.

You will not be told
that you are an idiot.

You will not be told that
you need a younger co-host

Or an adult diaper.
Do you understand me?

Mom, lowkey,

You might need the diapers.

Okay, bye.

[soft music]

[whispers] this
is not who I am.

I don't need your help.

I'm actually not here to help.

Um, I'm here to tell
you I'm quitting.

What?
- [man] hey.

Your turn.
- Yeah.

Why don't you just check
out and I'll explain. Yeah.

Fine.

Unexpected item.

Unexpected item.

Okay. Fyi, these are
not for me, okay?

No one cares about
your diapers, lady.

You know what?
Maybe you would care

If you were on your period

And you were bleeding so
bad you could pass out.

Maybe you'd care then.

I don't care.
I wouldn't care.

You probably would care.
- Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, let me, we'll just scan.

You know what I don't need
is help from quitters.

That's what I don't need.

Well clearly you do 'cause
the barcode is down here.

Yeah, I know where
the barcode is.

[overlapping bickering]

[register voice].
Unexpected item.

Oh my god, how can it
be an unexpected item?

Isn't everything in the store
a goddamn expected item?!

Hurry up and buy
your damn diapers!

These are not my diapers!

I don't care!

Now I'm gonna make you care!

What are ya gonna do?
You gonna leak on me?

Yeah, you wanna
know how it feels?

Whoa. Hey, hey, hey!

Please do not touch my meats.

[kris].
You wanna see what-

What's going on here?
- Oh!

Get her off of me!

Kris!

Ah!

Oh my gosh.

I am so sorry, sir.

Okay, so fact:

These diapers are for me.

And, um...

It's just like this, so...

Oh.
- Oh.

Just, um...

You don't need to like me.

You just need to respect me.

Jesus.

I just really didn't
want to need the diaper.

Periods do get weird
in your forties.

Long and stringy,

Yet chunky.

And like so heavy that you
have to sleep in the bathtub

Just 'cause it's easier.

Should you see a doctor?

Oh yeah, I tried.

Apparently it's normal, so.

Hmm. Well, I might
possibly be in menopause.

Where's judy blume when
you need her, you know?

There's no are you there god,
it's me menopause.

And you know why?

It's a short fucking book.

Her bones turn to dust,

She becomes invisible,
and then she dies.

I do not think
you're invisible,

But I do think your eyebrows
could use a little bit of help.

Oh god, I look tired.

It's okay.

I can help with that.

I'm gonna give you a
little bit of a pop.

Just so we're clear,

I didn't quit because of you.

Michael cancelled
big important ideas.

Oh my god, girl, you
lost so many jobs today.

I did.

Okay. You're okay.

What are ya feeling?

Rage, hurt, disappointment.

Those are a lot of feelings.

Can't fix it all at once.

We're gonna start with
matching eyebrows.

Take a look.

Little easy steps.

Wow. Small achievable goals.

You're good.

Ah, yeah.

Sometimes you gotta start
from the outside in.

[sighs] okay, so what's your
first small achievable goal?

Um...

It is to make an adult
diaper look sexy.

Mmm, not gonna happen.

[chuckles] um, stop
you from quitting?

Oh, well, I do have
a hefty mortgage.

Okay, I'll stay.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

? happy birthday ?

Oh really no.

I'm gonna take
your picture now.

What?

You're gonna have to
pay for that cake.

No, no, no, we didn't eat
it. It's her birthday.

My name's not scotty!

[security].
Stop smiling.

Put the peace sign down.
- Can we have a higher angle?

No. Keep-
- you know, when you overflow

You don't want
this to be noticed.

Go up, pop up, pop up.

It's not meant
to be flattering.

Go low, go down.

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