All language subtitles for Sarah.Silverman.We.Are.Miracles.2013.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]

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( passing car honks )

Hey, I like
your knee socks.

( sighs )
They're not knee socks.
They're fashion tights.

It's all one--

whatever.
You wouldn't get it.

Yeah, I do.
You mean they're opaque
black up to the thigh,

sheer black up top.

Yeah, that's...

that's exactly right.

Yeah, I like it.
I think it's hot.

Yeah, I like it too.
I've just been really
into, like,

wearing my thighs out lately.
I feel like it's

sexualish and superpowery.

Mmm, you like that
superpower sex, huh?

Yeah!
( laughing )

Yes, I see why
you think that's funny.

Like in your world,
that's probably really
clever wordplay.

Could you guys buzz off?
I'm trying to focus.

Focus on what?
The wall?

( mocks )
"Focus on what? The wall?"

That's what you
sound like.

No, I'm shooting
a special here for HBO.

Maybe you've heard of it.
It's kind of a big deal.

At Largo?
That's, like,
barely 300 seats.

( scoffs )
( laughing )

Well, I'm actually
doing it in the--

the littler room.

( laughs )
The little room?

That's like 50 seats.

( men laughing )

39 with the fire marshal code.
( guffawing )

Whatever!

Hey, you need
to call your agent.

Can't be doing
no HBO special
for 39 people!

That's like super tiny.

It's called intimate,
fuckface!

What's that, pot?

Mmm mmm.
It's a bunch of stuff.

Hey, tell us
a joke.

What do you call
a car full of Mexicans?

What?

Pains in my ass...

( exhales )

...hole.

( laughing )

Emcee:
Please put your hands together
for Miss Sarah Silverman.

Tell me I'm great.

What?
Tell me I'm great!
Tell me I'm great!

You're crazy-8.

Crazy great.

( Latin music playing )

( chuckling )

Oh.

( applause, cheering )

( sighs )

I very rarely,

occasionally,

obsessively watch porn

on my phone.

And when I do, I integrate it
into my nighttime rituals.

I wash my face.

I floss.
I take a puff.

Then I brush.

Then I do my stretches.

Then I type in
my search words.

Let me just say,
my search words

are not anything I would want
to happen in real life.

I don't know why they're
my search words, but they are.

A great man once said,

"The heart wants
what it wants."

So my search words are:

gangbang--

would not want that
to happen in real life;

um, amateur--

'cause I don't like seeing,
like, piercings and tattoos--

it takes me out of it;

cum--

which I would not have
thought you had to put "cum."

I thought that was
a given in pornography.

You have to put "cum."

If you don't,
you might not get cum.

If anything, I would think
you'd put non-cum

if you don't want cum.

And then there's one more.
Oh, high-fives.

So...
( laughing )

I put my iPhone--
I lean it against my water
on my nightstand.

And...

I think I'm maybe
the only person
that watched this video

all the way
till the end end end,

like when the video freezes.

It's, of course, a gangbang

and, you know,
basically ends with

all the guys coming
on the lady's face.

And--

I don't know why face
was the quiet word there.

All the men come
on the lady's

( whispers )
face.

And then right before
the video freezes,

I heard a guy say to her,

"Hey, great job.
I know you were sick."

You find humanity...

in the oddest of places.

So my mom was in the hospital
and I visited her.

I don't need segues.

The brain doesn't work that way.

A train of thought bounces
around from thing to thing.

But anyway,
speaking of a whole bunch of men
coming on a lady's face,

my mother's been sick.

And I visited her
in the hospital

and she said,
"It's weird, you know?"

There was this Jewish
volunteer service that came by

and they were visiting
the Jewish patients,
which is nice,

but isn't that so,
like, elitist?

Like what, do they,
like, banana around
the non-Jewish patients?

Like, "None for you."

But my mother's
last name is O'Hara.

She married a John O'Hara.

And she said, "They visited me.
Like, how they did know
I was Jewish?"

And we looked into it
and it turns out

they count how many times
you press the call button.

I had a, um--
you ever have a memory

and you-- that you haven't had
since the event happened?

You know what I mean?
It's so crazy.

I had this memory
of being like three

and I would shower
with my mother.

And, like, my mom's...

okay, my mom got her water
from the showerhead,

like that's where
she would get her water

with which
to cleanse herself.

That water would then

cascade down
her ample bosom

and, like,

pike off of her
'70s Jew bush...

that was my water.

And that's the thing,
it was a happy memory.

I associate it with happy.

I don't know why.
Like, it was my very own
curly shower

or something.

Maybe because
we didn't need words.

You know, it wasn't like
she was like, "You get your
water from my pubes," you know.

We didn't need any of that.
It was like I was--

I was like a native

that knew you could get water
from this leaf or something.

It was very...

animalistic.

I was a bedwetter
well into my teens.

And when you're a bedwetter,

there's only one group of people
you can feel better than:

bedshitters.

And unfortunately
they're hard to come by.

You know?

I love this--
The HBO 39.

But I grew up
in New Hampshire,

and there are not
many Jews in New Hampshire.

And we-- we weren't really
raised with any religion.

We were just Jewish
in that it oozed out
of our pores, you know.

Um, but I didn't feel
so different

until maybe like
around third grade.

Kids started blaming me

for my people killing Jesus.

I remember
even then thinking,

"It's not like
we killed baby Jesus."

I mean, the man, like...

He had quite a run.

He was 33.

33 is young.
If someone dies now at 33,
it's terrible.

But I mean, back then,
in the olden oldie-timey
times...

( chuckles )
33 was like elderly.

33-- dying at 33 was like
he had a full life, you know.

And by the way,
you're welcome.

If we had not killed him,
he wouldn't even be famous.

You know, and nothing seems
crazy when you're used to it.

There's so much
crazy shit everywhere.

We're used to it.
And everything seems crazy
when you're not used to it.

That's why so many comics
make fun of Scientology, right?

Because like--
well, because it's
a batshit crazy religion,

but it's no more
batshit crazy

than, like,
every single religion.

It's just new, you know.

Christianity is super old,
but it's fucking crazy.

I mean, it's--
you're born a sinner.

By being born,
you are a sinner

and you're going to hell.

But you can just apologize
and then you can go to heaven.

No big deal.

If you're a murderer...

same thing, it's just
apologize and go to heaven.

You can be Hitler

and go to confession and say,
"Forgive me, Father,

I killed six million Jews."
And the priest would
just be like,

"No problem.
Say 10 'Heil' Marys."

And Hitler goes to heaven.

Hitler goes to heaven...

is the name of my band.

Scientology is weird
because it's new.

It's-- it feels weird
in our ear holes

to hear people worshipping
a guy named Ron.

We know Rons in our life.

He had to change
his name to "L. Ron"

because there was
another Ron Hubbard
in the Writer's Guild.

That's how recent
a religion it is.

And people who
follow their religion
to the letter of the law

are just silly.

I mean, I want
to tell Hasidic Jews,

"I promise you,
God will not mind

if you wear
a nice cotton blend
in the summer.

"You're being
fucking ridiculous!"

But we live in the greatest
country in the world.

A country where we have
freedom of religion

and separation
of church and state,

only we dont at all
and nobody says anything

'cause we're used to it.

It says, "In God we trust"
on our money.

It says, "In God we trust"

above the judge's bench
in a courtroom,

in a court of law where you have
to put your hand on a Bible--

the Christian Bible.
It's not my Bible.

I mean, if--
if I tell the truth,

it's because
I tell the truth,

not because I put my hand
on a book and made a wish.

It's fucking crazy.

That's craziness.

And stop telling girls
they can be anything they want
when they grow up.

I think...

I think it's a mistake.

Not because they can't,
but because

it would've never occurred
to them they couldn't.

You're planting
that seed in their heads.

It's like saying,
"Hey, when you get
in the shower,

I'm not gonna
read your diary."

"Hold on.
Are you gonna read
my diary?"

"What? Are you crazy?
I just said

I'm not gonna read
your diary.

Get in the shower."

Girls grow up so fast.

It's like they don't have
childhoods anymore.

They're sexualized
so early, you know.

I-- a girlfriend of mine
has a little baby girl

and I babysat her.

I changed her diaper--

totally shaved.

Six months old.

What a country.

That's my new catchphrase.
I know that Yakov Smirnoff
said it in the '80s,

but I'm repurposing it
with a malaise.

I just wanna shake girls.
All the girls here,

I wanna just tell you
you don't need a vaginal
deodorant, okay?

I know it seems
like a real thing

because there's real commercials
and for some reason
we trust that--

that commercials mean
it's real, you know?

And there's real products
on shelves.

No, it's a made-up need

made by greedy,
money-addicted,

faceless corporations

preying on a woman's
greatest insecurity--

smelly vagina.

If you use regular
soap and water in the show--

use whatever you wash
your asshole with.
How about that?

Surely that's strong enough

for your disgusting vagina.

Rinse,

and if when you
get out of the shower,

there's still like
something,

like a rancidishness coming,

um, go to the doctor.

Don't spray perfume on it.
That's fucking crazy.

That's what
a crazy person would do.
Do you see now?

Are your eyes open?
Are you living a conscious life?

I'm lucky I don't have
to worry about that because...

I've been with a few men
who have told me that my vagina

smells like a, um,

a peach...

a peach tree.

A--

a peach tree dish.
Is that a thing?

That joke took real acting.
Real-life acting.

You had
the craziest reaction.

He just-- his arms were folded
and he just went like--
( sighs )

Like, "Oh, Sarah!

You're incorrigible."

Oh, I'm corrigible.

It's not all "The Man."
It isn't.

It's not all
corporate America.
It's us too.

We have to take
responsibility too.
We shit on ourselves.

We-we scrutinize ourselves.

We-we-we--

we think that
self-deprecation is modesty.

It's not.
It's self-obsession,

and there's no room
for anything else.

You think-- you think
Mother Theresa walked around

complaining that the tops
of her thighs touched?

I mean, they didn't.
She was stick thin,
the fucking bitch.

But she wasn't like,
"Okay, this is fine, okay?

But it's like then I clench
and it's all oatmeal."

No, she was busy.

She had things to do.

You know one thing I've noticed,
people who say the phrase,

"Threw me under the bus,"

um, say it lot.

You know?

And I don't think
it's because they get
thrown under the bus a lot.

I think it's because they--
they deflect blame a lot.

I think it's because
they look inward not a lot.

And I-- you know,
Jesus had a great quote--

and I know all
his quotes are great.
There's no Jesus B-sides.

But...

and I'm paraphrasing--
but it's basically like,

"If you don't deal
with your shit, your shit
deals with you."

You know, but it had
like "doth" in it.

And... it's so true.

And I made a short list
that I think can help

people who don't
look inward ever.

Um, one:

if you quit being cunty,

the whole world will
stop being against you.

If you have terrible luck
with roommates,

you're the terrible
roommate.

It's you, doll.

If you feel like
the whole world is judging you

all the time,

you're an alcoholic.

I don't know why,
but specifically alcohol.

Dear sirs,

your middle-aged pierced ear

tells a different story
than you think it does.

To women of a certain age:

your heartbreaking
and drastic attempts
to look younger

are the reason
your daughter

doesn't dream
about her future.

Insecurity burbles up

in all corners of us,
you know.

Either you have a chip
on your shoulder,

you feel like people are
disrespecting you all the time,

or you get really braggy.

You want people
to know who you know,

but you, like, hide it
by shitting on them.

Like, "How many
fucking videos

of a monkey
smelling his assy fingers

and falling out of a tree
can Helen Mirren send me?

It's like ridic."

Look at my
space work there.

It's impressive, isn't it?

What does that tell you?
BlackBerry.

Guess what?
Guess what?

I don't even own
a BlackBerry.

I shadowed someone who does

for months...

to do that bit.

There are people that--
it's their survival.

It's the way they
deal with life,

to see themselves
differently

than the way the rest
of the world sees them,
you know.

You get the idea
if these people were

one or two degrees
more onto themselves,

they'd fucking
kill themselves.

I consider myself
one of them.

I get out of the shower
and I'm like,

"Nice try, mirror.
Those are obviously
my mom's boobs."

Sometimes insecurity
proves you right.

I mean, I--

when I moved to L.A.,
I had an eyebrow.

And my roommate
at the time was like,

"Hey, let's go
make this into two.

Like, each eye
can have one."

And so I went
to her waxing lady.

I had never been
to like a waxing lady

and the lady called me in
and I'm like following her
into a room

and she turns around
and she goes,

"What are we doing today?
Just the mustache?"

I don't have a mustache.

What?
I bleach my mustache.

That means it's invisible.

Bright yellow means
you can't see it.

But she did, she waxed it,
and I remember walking
out of the door

and being like--
I could feel the wind
on it, you know?

What about this one?

( deep voice )
"Yeah, whatever."

That, like,
jerk-off thing.

I believe
that's from insecurity.

( deep voice )
"Yeah, whatever.

Pfftt."

What is a guy saying
when he does that?

He's saying, "Whatever it is
we're talking about here,

I don't give a shit."

Really?

I think you do
give a shit.

If he didn't give a shit,
wouldn't he be just be like...

I think you do
give a shit, sir.

What is he saying?
He's saying, "Whatever it is
we're talking about here",

please don't think I care.

Oh my God, I would die
if you thought I cared.

In exchange,

feel free to know
my personal jerking-off style.

It is so important to me

that you think I don't care
about whatever it is we're
talking about here,

I'm willing to exchange that
for you knowing

that my masturbation style
is that, like,

I don't--
I don't move my hand.

My hand is still
and I, like, fuck my hand.

My hand is locked.
And then, like,

I fuck--
I pretend it's a vagina.
I'm not a faggot.

And I fuck my hand.

I make it like
she's shorter than me.

Like it's lower and I have
to like scoop it in.

Oh, fuck you.

Sometimes I say it.
I go, 'Scoop.

Scoop.

Scoop.'

But please don't think
I care. Oh my God.

"I would die."

Traumatic things
happened to that guy.

Traumatic things happened
to all of you, by the way.

Traumatic things
happened to all of us.

We just don't
realize it because

there's no music
informing us how to feel

or what's gonna come up.
There's no slow motion.

It just happens in real time
and then the next moment
and the next moment.

My sister used to babysit me
when I was three.

And she would-- she would--

okay, I used to think this was
a heartbreaking story about me.

It's a heartbreaking story
about my sister Susie,

because she was so, um--

she was so starved for love,

she was so needy for love.

And she would come out
and she'd say,

"Sarah, if I drink
this orange juice,

I'm gonna turn
into a monster."

And I was so scared.
I wish I had the foresight
to say,

"Hey, how about don't even
pour the orange juice?"

But I didn't.
I didn't think that far ahead.
I was three.

And I'd go...
( crying ) "Susie, no no!"

She'd go...

whip open the laundry nook

and put on this brown
leather ski mask--

which why the Silverman family
needed a brown leather ski mask

I still do not know.

She puts it on and she like...
( roars )

I mean I thought
I was going to die.

I felt the feeling of I'm going
to die when I was three.

And then this is what's
so heartbreaking, she'd go...

( monster voice )
"I will only turn back
into Susie

if you hug me."

Like, I wish I had
the wherewithal to be like,

"Suse, you want a hug?
I'd love to hug you.

Let's cut out the middleman
where I shit my pants."

But instead
I'm inching towards

this monster
I'm terrified of
to hug it.

Oh God, I'm sorry.
That's every relationship
I've ever been in.

There you go.
Breakthrough on stage,
HBO Special.

She would take the--
that threw me for a loop.

She'd take the biggest knife
out of the kitchen drawer

and be like, "It's so funny.
Like, I could kill you
right now.

Isn't that funny?"

She gets so upset
when I bring this up.

No, she's so sweet now.
And she--

it literally makes her cry
when I bring this up,

but thank God, umm...

she doesn't have HBO.

But she's like this

liberal, hippy,
feminist rabbi

that lives in Israel now
and she's got five kids

and her oldest daughter is
going to Brandeis next year,

which is-- only from Israel
can going to Brandeis

be a step down
in Jewy-ness.

I don't know
if you're familiar

with Brandeis.
It's not technically
a Jewish school,

but I think the team mascot
is a nose.

If that helps you at all.

Okay, this would be terrible
if I had just made it up.

I didn't.
This is really upsetting.

But the University
of North Carolina

did a study and what
they found was that

9/11 widows
give great handjobs.

And I...

Don't shoot the messenger.

I wish it wasn't true, but--

or I am happy for them
and their new...

boyfriends.

I made that up.
I'm sorry.

I made that up.

I thought of it
and it made me giggle,

and then I got really sad,

and then I still needed
to say it to you.

I don't know what part of me

needs to say to you

that 9/11 widows
give great handjobs.

That's dark.

That's something I'm gonna
talk about in therapy.

But I wanted to say it.

I needed to say it to you,
and so I built a frame around it

that forced you to not be able
to blame me for saying it.

And-- but you know what?

I feel like you should
take some of the blame.

Honestly,
because you decided

to believe that
the University of North Carolina

would spend money
on a study of, what?

Trauma-based handjobs?
That's crazy.

You're crazy.
You're being crazy right now.

Hmm, I need
more rape jokes.

I do. I-- rape jokes are
a hidden gem in comedy.

Let me explain.
Rape, obviously

the most heinous
crime imaginable.

Rape jokes

are great.

No, because they make
a comic

seem so edgy
and so dangerous.

And the truth is
it's like the safest area

to talk about in comedy,

because who is gonna complain
about a rape joke?

I mean,
I would say rape victims,

but they're traditionally
not complainers.

( men laughing )

I know.
That's a tasteless joke

about the fact
that rape victims

often don't report rape.

I mean, the worst thing
that could happen really is

someone comes up to you

after a show
and is like, "Look,

I'm a victim of rape
and I just wanna say

I thought
that joke was insensitive
and inappropriate

and totally my fault
and I am so sorry."

Yeah! Right?

Let's take back
the night back.

Oh God. I hope I don't
have to say that,

you know, no woman
is asking to be raped.

I actually do think
there are some women

who are asking
to be motorboated.

I have a dog

who is 19 years old

and that's true.

And he-- you know,
sometimes the audience claps

because they're
really happy for me

that I took care
of a 19-year-old--

( applause )
No, forget it now!

Don't. Stop.

He has got these
beautiful big blue eyes

floating over his
big brown eyes and he, um...

His breath, um--

I've really really
thought about this.
( clears throat )

His breath smells like

if all the farts

from all the different,
like, cultures

and nations in the world
combine together...

and then passed through
my grandpa's teeth.

And he was constipated
and it's so heartbreaking.

You know, when a dog gets
constipated and they--

you can tell because
their little knees like quiver.

They quiver.

And he's pushing so hard
and then, like,

something broke through

and his mouth made a shape

I've never seen on a dog.

I didn't know it was possible.
It was like a perfect circle.

Like, "Ohh!"

And his little tiny rectum
was bleeding...

Audience: Awww.

...and I went to take
a picture and I--

for the vet.

"The vet"...

is what I call Twitter.

And...

You know, when you
take a picture,

but it's video
and you don't realize it?

It was basically a picture,
but it was like a second
and a half

and it had breath,

ended with me
going like, "Urg."

He's great now.
He shits like crazy.

Only thing that keeps him
from shitting in his pants

is he-- he--
he doesn't wear pants.

That's a terrible joke.

If you do have a dog,
here's a great game.

You're gonna love this.
When you're having sex,

lock eyes with your dog.

And then you see
who looks away first.

It's a fun game.

Pussy.
"Pussy" is a word--

it used to have
so much power over me.

When I was in high school,
the word "pussy,"

it was so--
it grossed me out

and yet it was titillating
and I just had--

I felt like I had
Christmas lights inside me.

It just
affected me so much.

I don't even understand how,

but when I was young it was
like if somebody said it

or if I read it somewhere

or sometimes I would write it
down and look at it...

Now I'm just dead inside.

Pussy, pussy.
Who cares?

I found a way
to make "pussy"

gross again.
It's so simple.

All you have to do
is puff out your cheeks
when you say it.

Like, "Puhssy."

Puhssy. Puhssy.

Now say
that becomes old hat,

you can add some elements:

um, a deadness
in the eyes,

a lisp.

"Puthy."

"Hey, man, you wanna go out
and look for some puthy?"

Puthy. Puthy.

( laughs )

You look so confused.

You don't know how to feel.
Just like me

when I first heard "puthy."

If you're drunk
and throw up

on a man's penis
mid-blowjob,

you can save the moment
if you can muster a "ta-da."

I love you guys.

This is embarrassing.
This is a--

this is
a confession, okay?

Uh.

Sometimes I get an orgasm

from giving a blowjob.

Is that normal?
Is that, like--

to get an orgasm
from giving a--

oh, not giving a blowjob,
taking a shit.

Ohh.

I-- you don't understand.
I'm at a show too.

You're my show
and that joke--

is so fun to tell
because, like,

at the first juncture,
the guys are like this,

and the girls are like this.

And then it
just goes whoo!

It's like the wave.

Don't forget God
can see you masturbating.

But don't stop.
He's almost there.

( scattered applause )

I'm just kidding.
There's no God.

I believe
in miracles though.

I really do.
I mean, they're obviously
science-based.

But...

they're beyond
my comprehension,

so to me they're miracles.
That's what miracles are.

And we are miracles.

Think about this:
every single person

in this room tonight,
all 39--

including me, 40 of us,

there was a time in history--

a blip ago in the scope
of history--

where we were all
microscopic specks.

That was far out, right?
Everybody got deep.

There was a time where you
could fit a million of me

on the head of a pin.

There was a time where
I lived in my dad's balls.

That's the only life
I knew.

There was a time
where I literally

was choking
on my dad's cum.

( audience moans )

I was five.
No, I'm just kidding.

That's disgusting.

Erase.

That's not part
of that joke. I...

It's just it went
in my head and then I--

I couldn't be
alone with it.

There was a time-- my dad,
Donny "Schleppy" Silverman,

who does my taxes,
who I Skype with
every Saturday--

there was a time

where I literally
exploded...

out of the-guy-who-
taught-me-to-ski's

penis hole.

I can't believe
I was ever that thin.

I'm an Obama person.

( cheers )

Yeah?

I like him.
I've liked Obama

since before he ran
for president the first time,

when he was a senator
in Chicago.

Not like I'm so smart
or hoity-toity.

I just-- he was on Letterman
and I thought he was cool.

And I remember when he decided
to run for president,

I was like, "I'm gonna
work on that campaign."

And I did. And because
I live in Los Angeles,

I could go
to this fundraiser out here

that was just star-studded,
like a who's-who.

And you could walk--
you know, he was just
a senator at the time,

so you could walk right up
to him and pet him

and I did.

I wanted to think
of something smart to say

or a question to ask and I was
like... ( clears throat )

"Senator Obama, when you were
a student in Boston,

did you ever encounter
any racism?"

And I'll never forget
what he said. He said--

he said, "I'm Kanye West."

And I was like, "Totally.

I'm Kanye West too.
We all are.

I get it. I get it."

We're so divided.
We live in a very
divided country.

Like, it's crazy,
you know?

It's not even about

ideas anymore.

It's not even
about ideals anymore.

It's just teams.
It's just the Red Sox
and the Yankees.

It's just hatred, you know?

And I think whether
you're liberal

or you're conservative,
it's so important to remember

that we, all of us,
love our families,

love our country,

believe what
we're doing is right.

You know, maybe liberals
are a little more open-minded,

a little more progressive.

You know, maybe conservatives
are a little less progressive,

a little more faggotish.

But I pray for them.

I do.

I was just
literally praying

for the billions of teeny,
tiny Republicans

that die every single year
in hookers' assholes.

I know what some
of you are thinking,

and you're right,
you're right.

"Really?
That's what you're gonna
pick on, the Republican Party?"

That's what you're pick--
choosing to pick on?

You know, I mean,
surely there are Democrats

that have butt sex
with prostitutes."
You're right.

You're 100% right.
There are.

But Democrats aren't trying
to take my rights away.

So when a Democrat

gives a hooker
anal warts,

she can then go to a clinic
and get that shit zapped.

It's just bewildering
to me that a party

that is so about having
big government

out of their backyard
is so intent

on legislating my "puthy,"

my pussy.

My pu-- my pussy.

People don't make
the simplest connections,
you know?

Hmm, I feel like
I have shit here.

I don't?

That'd be my biggest fear.

Okay. Do I have
anything in my teeth?

I ate blueberries.

Yeah, people don't make
the simplest connections.

I think because we're
so close to our own lives,

you know,
but even in deep ways,
but even in not deep--

like I used to work
at a club...

like a music club
kinda like this.

It had tables and I was--

you know, I lit the candles
at the tables

and put the fliers
out and stuff.

And the band that was playing
had sound check.

And they did
their sound check and left.

But the drummer stayed
and she was just

sitting at her drums,
watching me set up.

And I was talking to her
and I made some stupid joke

and she goes,
"Ba-dum-bump."

I was like, "You know that
comes from drums, right?"

"You're sitting at drums."

It's like people who go,

"Don't get your dog
from a breeder!

Get your dog from a shelter.
You're a fucking asshole

if you get your dog
from a breeder."

Okay, I agree.
I got my dog from a shelter.

But it's always coming
from a woman who's like

nursing a baby
with four other kids

and I just wanna say like,

"Get your people
from a shelter."

"You know there are human
puppies in shelters, right?"

But people don't like people
as much as they like dogs

'cause they don't-- they don't
see what they hate in themselves

looking back
in a dog's eyes, you know?

If Africa was just
all Labradoodles

dying of AIDS...

we would take care of it
in one day.

But I wanna have kids.

I'm great with kids.
I am.

I have a lot of bits.

Like little girls between,
like, two and six-ish,

I like to go
like this, I go...

"I'm gonna tell you
a secret."

You cannot tell anybody.

( whispers )
I'm a princess.

"But I dress regular
so people treat me normal."

And their brains
fucking explode.

It's so funny.

And then the rest of the day,
they're spying me

like I'm a celebrity,
which I know I am,

but a lot of toddlers
don't know that.

And it does,
it levels the playing field.

Or boys or girls
like toddler age,
like two-year-olds,

if their parents, like,
introduce me,

I like to go,
"I'm your new mommy."

They're so into
their mommies at that age.

They're always like...
( screams ) "No, you're not."

( laughing )

And then I go,
"I'm just kidding."

And then just
as they start to relax,

I go,
"I'm your real mommy."

That's more
just fun for me.

But I do, I want a baby.

The thing with me is,
like, the caveat is

I don't want like
a 10-year-old in 10 years.

You know what I mean?
I want a baby.

I figured out a solution
I think works for me.

I'm not preaching it
to anybody, but, um,

like, I think
I'm gonna adopt, like,

terminally-ill babies...

every six months
to two years-ish or--

I feel like there is
a blanket of judgment

in this area.

Why?

Are you thinking,
"What kind of person would look

to adopt a dying baby?"
I mean,

I think an amazing person.

I'm amazing.

I have a hu--
my heart is too big.

Like, I can't take it.

My heart can't take--
I don't like being made to feel.

Like Pixar movies?
No fucking way.

"Wall-E"?
Like the idea to me

of a lonely robot
in space breaks me.

Good, bad--
I don't wanna feel.

I don't like it.
Like, my mother sent me
an email that said,

"Elephants reunite
after 20 years!"

Delete.

I am not even
gonna read that.

That will kill me.
I'm afraid it will kill me.

Those commercials
with a starving kid in Africa

with flies buzzing around him?
I have to remind myself, like,

"It's just an actor.
It's just an actor."

( sighs )

I love being able
to see all 39 of you.

Like, it's so cool.

But you know who's amazing
is the Make-a-Wish Foundation.

Just to-- you know, they--
if you're not familiar
with what they do,

they work with terminally-ill
children and young adults.

And what they will do
is they will grant these kids

any wish they dream up,

except for not dying.

Which I feel like
I'm being nitpicky,

'cause what they do
is amazing, but like,

I feel like that's gonna
be maybe even like 60%

of their #1 wishes.

I just feel like

if there was a suggestion box
or something,

I'd say, "Maybe call it
Make-another-Wish."

You guys did a great job.

I'm gonna reward you
with an incredible song.

( applause )

Oh oh.

( strumming guitar )

Is this in tune?

Are you a musician?

Oh, you should
get a haircut.

All right.

( strumming )

Let's make this
real hot and sexy.

Nothing but the best
for the Largo 39.

♪ If you call yourself
a diva ♪

♪ You better be a singer ♪

♪ And not somebody ♪

♪ Cutting me in line ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ If you call yourself
a diva ♪

♪ You better sing a solo ♪

♪ And not be someone
treating me unkind ♪

♪ If you call yourself
a diva ♪

♪ It better be for reals ♪

♪ And not some sad, pathetic ♪

♪ Kind of front ♪

♪ If you're selfish
and you're thoughtless ♪

♪ And you're broken ♪

♪ And you're heartless ♪

♪ You're probably
not a diva ♪

♪ You're a cunt ♪

♪ Cunt cunt cunt cunt
cunt cunt ♪

♪ Cunt cunt ♪

♪ Cunt cunt cunt cunt ♪

♪ Cunt cunt cunt ♪

♪ Cunt ♪

♪ Cunt ♪

♪ Cunt cunt ♪

♪ Cunt cunt cunt cunt ♪

♪ Cunt cunt cunt ♪

♪ Cunt ♪

♪ Cunt ♪

♪ Cu-uuunt ♪

♪ Cunt. ♪

( cheering )
Thank you so much.

Good night!

Hey, how did it go?

Oh, it was, uh--

you know, it's hard to say

'cause it's me and it's--

comedy is so subjective,
you know.

But I guess if I had
to say in one word,

I'd describe it as,
like, "game changer."

Oh, that's two words,
what am I saying?

Um...

"mind blowing."

That's two words again, God!

Okay, I'm gonna have
to describe it in two words.

Uh, "great job, Sarah."
( car departs )

Hey!
( tires squeal )

( sighs )

( piano music playing )
( ball bouncing )

( piano music continuing )

( music fades )