All language subtitles for Poppas.House.S01E11.Dirty.Laundry.1080p.PMTP.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.HEVC-YELLO

So... Nina
tells me

that, uh, your
friend Todd

from film school
is lighting a fire

under you as a director?

- Yes. Yes, sir. That is true.
- Hmm...

- Good, good.
- Oh.

Well, I, uh,

wanted to see you
outside of the office

because I have
some great news for you.

As you know,

uh, I have wonderful contacts.

Um, one
of whom,

my friend Gregory, is a billy.

Oh, wait, so his name is Billy?

It's so obvious
you don't have money.

No, he's a billionaire.

- (chuckling): Oh, okay.
- Yeah, yeah.

So that makes you a Milly?

- Yes.
- And that makes me...

A disappointment.

(both laugh)

Anyway,

he's invested
in my foam company,

and he's very keen
to invest in a film company.

- Oh. Why?
- Because he's a billy

and he always has to
find new ventures...

- So he doesn't become a Milly?
- Stop being silly.

(groans)

Anyway, um, I told him

I had a son-in-law.

I, um,

purposely omitted the words

"I don't like him."

Thank you.

Actually, I lied.
I led with that.

But I did tell him
that you were very talented

and that you, uh,
directed a wonderful commercial

for my newest foam product,

and he wants
to see it

this weekend.

Wait a
minute. Uh,

I never directed
a commercial for you before.

(laughs)

(both laughing)

You're scaring me.

Good.

Why are we laughing?

- I don't know.
- Oh.

But you better get started

because you have
exactly two days

to make my latest invention
a household name.

Behold, the travel roller,

aka the mini.

Oh.

Uh... that looks
like it's, um...

For carpal tunnel.

Yes, and
for reaching

tension in isolated
areas of the body.

The best part...

it vibrates.

Okay, now I know
I've seen that before.

No, you
couldn't have.

This is a brand-new,
patent-pending invention.

And here's
another thing.

I want you
to convince

your father to be
the spokesman for the mini.

(laughs)

(both laughing)

I'm dead serious.

Oh.

So, Dad, um,
I need your help

to introduce
the world

to JJ's revolutionary
new product.

It's really
not that new.

I've had one
since college.

Uh, it's
completely new,

and I will
demonstrate.

You just turn it on,

you roll it along your forearms.

Feel the tension

leaving my body already.

Wrong isolated area.

So, I think
we need

to get on
the same page.

And I have exciting news
for you, Dad.

- Oh.
- JJ has

chosen you
to be the spokesperson

for this innovative
new product.

Okay, before I tell you where
you can put that thing...

...I want to ask you
a couple of questions.

- Okay.
- Firstly,

how much
is he paying me for this?

Uh, nothing. It's pro bono.

- It sure is.
- Huh?

What?

Second question is:

how much is he gonna
pay you to do this?

Same as you, but I am willing
to split my pro bono with you.

It's known as a semi-bono.

All right, son,
my last question is:

is there a commission?

Uh, no, Dad, this is

a opportunity for you.

No, this is
an opportunity for JJ

to take advantage of both of us.

See, that's why

I don't like him or his stupid

foam roller product.

Because he wants to make a fool

out of me and you.

So that's a maybe?

No, that's a no.

Hmm, okay, cool,

so I'll just,
uh, leave it here.

You can play
around with it

and, um, give me
your decision tomorrow.

What part of "no"
don't you understand, boy?

I'll give it a look-see.

(vibrating)

(laughs)
Oh, yeah.

♪ Poppa's ♪

♪ House ♪

♪ Yeah. ♪

This whole advertising
game is one big racket.

They like
to use

celebrities to get you

to buy their crappy products.

If they could,

they'd have Robert De Niro
selling phones.

Be like, "You talkin' to me?"

"You talkin' to me?

You can't be talkin' to me
because you're out of minutes."

Okay. Poppa, what's with
the sudden rant?

It's my son,

who's a pretty good artist...

he's whoring himself out

for a man who's not even gonna
pay him for his hard work.

Tell me, Poppa,
you never even once

sold yourself out a little bit

to get where you are now?

Yeah, once,
but they didn't have

the Internet back then.

And thank God
I destroyed that tape

and it'll never see
the light of day.

I have so much
I could say to you right now,

but since I'm in

an incredibly
relaxed mood...

...I'm just gonna let it go.

So, what did your father say?

- Uh, he's not convinced.
- Oh.

Yet. So I
wrote a script

that I know you're gonna love

'cause you're a Shakespeare guy.

It's a parody on King Lear.

King Lear?

Really? For... for foam?

Yeah, makes it regal. Like you.

You had me at "regal."

(chuckles)

I'm listening.

All right.

"King Lear,

"muscular and youthful,

"sort of a Junior type,

"enters
his palace

and unsheathes a foam roller
mini like a sword."

(imitates sword clinking)

"Hark. Attend, good folk,

"and mark well
this strange device.

"'Tis none other than
the foam roller mini,

"a staff most wondrous,
for in my days,

"when battles sore,
my wrists grow weary

from smiting thine enemies."

(shouting)

"But lo,

"this cylinder can bring relief

where naught else
might suffice."

(chuckles)

"For if a king may find
sweet solace here,

then so, too, might his maiden."

Boop.

Well?

- Oh. (chuckles)
- Bravo!

- Thank you.
- I like it.

And we don't need your father.

I shall play King Lear.

Oh, uh, well, uh, it says,
"muscular and youthful,

uh, sort of a Junior type,"

so I was, I was thinking
maybe I could play...

The jester.

You shall play
the jester to my Lear.

Good, good.

Great idea.

So, I shall go
learn my lines.

♪ And I know it's gonna be ♪

♪ A lovely day ♪

♪ Lovely day, lovely day,
lovely day... ♪

- (needle scratches)
- Hey!

What the hell are you doing?

Why are you
talking about me

on your
stupid podcast?

Oh, hey,
that's my show.

I talk about my life.

So talk about your life,
not mine,

not my family's, okay?

Your show turned us
into a meme

on social media.
Look at this.

(Poppa laughing)

(laughing):
Right?

It's not funny.

Dad, you questioned my integrity

in front of the world.

Now I feel like
I can't even, like,

say anything to you
in confidence

without you blabbing about it

on your stupid podcast.

Look, what do you want from me?

An apology.

On air.

Yeah...

that's just not
my brand, though.

Your brand?

Yeah, I'm unapologetic.

That's what the people
love about me.

Yeah, well,
I'm not "the people."

Okay? I'm your son.

And if you don't
feel the need

to say you're sorry
about calling me a whore,

then I don't feel the need
to ever speak to you again.

Oh, well, when does

this vacation begin?

Right after I call you
a big, fat jerk,

you big, fat, stupid, bald jerk.

What did you say to me?

(chuckling)

"Up yours."

Okay.

Now, this person...
I won't name names,

'cause he'll get
all mad at me,

but he lived
in my house

he ate all my food,

and if you sprinkle
a little gray in his beard,

he looks just like me...

that guy

has decided he's never
going to talk to me again.

Well, I don't
blame him.

I mean, you called
him a whore.

And he is your son.

(gasps)
Now the secret is out.

Everybody's gonna
know who it is.

I was trying

to respect his privacy.

Listen, I agree with Junior.

You should apologize to him,

and then maybe he'll start
speaking to you again.

(blows raspberry)
I don't care

if the whole world
stopped talking to me.

- Really?
- Yes.

What if I stop speaking to you?

No,

please don't make my ears happy.

Okay. Done.

I'm gonna join Junior
in his silent protest.

(scoffs)
Chatty Cathy,

you couldn't last
five minutes without talking.

Want me
to prove it?

I'll do the podcast
by myself. Both roles.

(imitating Ivy):
Poppa,

you need to respect

his boundaries.

(normal voice):
Oh, hush up, woman.

That's my son.

He needs to learn how
to accept criticism.

(imitating Ivy):
Oh, P-Bear,

when you say it like that,

it makes all the sense
in the world to me.

(giggling)

You are a big, fat jerk,

and I'm never
speaking to you again.

(imitates buzzer)
Less than 30 seconds.

For if a king might find
sweet solace here,

then so, too, may his maiden.

♪ There once
was a king ♪

♪ With a sword
of foam ♪

♪ He had a lot of words ♪

♪ But he said them wrong ♪

♪ Fa-la, la-la-la, la-la-la... ♪

Cut,
cut, cut!

What are you doing?

You're dancing
around me like a fool.

I'm the jester.
That's what we do. We jest.

No, you're a fool.

And what
is she doing?

There were no cell phones
back in olden times.

What do you care?

I literally have nothing to do,

so I figured
I'd just get some work done.

Work? Arrest
this woman.

All right, all
right, guys. Look,

honey, please
put the phone away.

We're gonna go
from the top,

pick up the pace.

All right? And...

action.

Hark.
Cut!

(stammers)
Why am I saying "hark"?

I mean,
everyone knows I'm there.

I mean, wh-what is my motivation
for "hark"?

You're saying "hark"
so people pay attention, okay?

- All right.
- From the top.

On my "action."

Action.

Hark. Cut.

- Damn it.
- No, no.

How about, how about this?
How about this?

What if my daughter
said something like,

"Hark, the king
has arrived," hmm?

Uh, all right, ready?

Action, she.

(clears throat)

- Hark.
- Cut.

(sputters)

She wouldn't say that.
In fact, she wouldn't even be

allowed to speak back then.

I-In fact, to be honest,
I-I think

we should be burning her
at the stake.

(gasps)

And action.

Line?

- "Hark."
- Cut.

- That's lunch.
- You don't say "cut."

Okay?

I am the director,
so I say "cut."

And I did not say
you can go to lunch.

- I'm paying for all this.
- Dad,

you put Junior in charge,
let him direct you.

But I do-eth not respect-eth
his vision-eth.

You see,
this is why I wanted to play...

The fool?

Because that's what you are.

I am not the fool.

And I'm smart
enough to know

that you are a terrible actor

and an even worse spokesman
for your own damn product.

And for those reasons,
you, sir, are fired.

Well.

Until you bend the knee to me,

I will not speak to you again.

I shall nay bend the knee.

Then good hark.

What are you doing?

You just fired my dad
from his own commercial.

- I don't like the way he speaks to me.
- Neither do I,

but I think you're mad
at the wrong dad.

He won't apologize,
so I'm not speaking to him.

But you have to.

Look, I know
your dad can dish it out

but he can't take it,

so why don't you give him

a little taste
of his own medicine?

(laughs softly)
Interesting.

- Or another angle...
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

...we all know my dad
can dish it out

but he can't take it, right?

- If you say what I just said...
- (shushes)

He can dish it out
but he can't take it,

so why don't I give him
a taste of his own medicine?

What are you,
what are you doing?

Lighting myself on fire.

POPPA:
You know, I don't think

women understand

the value of silence
to a man.

You could actually give him
a piece of quiet

for an anniversary gift,

and he'll say,
"Thank you, baby."

But don't ruin it

by going, "You're welcome."

What, nothing? Still noth... Oh.

Well, well, well,
look, we have another

silent but deadly guest here.

I'm not gonna be silent anymore,

because I found the Achilles'
heel on your club foot.

(laughs)
That's funny, I like that.

You can dish it out
but you can't take it.

A sentence
I came up with

all by myself
without the help of my wife.

Really? Son, have a seat.

There's nobody
sitting there anyway.

But let me tell you
something, Junior.

There's nothing that can
come out of your mouth

that will ever make me feel
even an ounce of shame.

(cackles)

Oh, Dad.

I thought you might say that,
which is why I brought

a taste of your own medicine.

Open wide, 'cause here comes
a big old fat spoonful of Mom!

Wait, no fair.
You can't bring your mother in

to fight your battles.

This is between me and you.

Oh, he is my son.

Now, I spent 36 hours,

27 minutes
and 14 quite painful seconds

birthing him into this world,
so I refuse

to let a man who lost his hair
at the ripe old age of 23

publicly humiliate him.

Did you just call me
a fat spoonful?

Of sugar. To help
the medicine go down.

- Thank you.
- Focus, Mom.

Catherine,
what are you doing here?

I thought you couldn't come out
in the daylight.

I have stories to tell.

I know where all of
the bodies are buried

and I brought my shovel.

And you know the first thing
that I dug up

for your streaming audience
is this.

Does this look
familiar to you,

Mr. Integrity?

- Not at all.
- Mm.

Okay, well, then,
let me refresh your memory.

The year:

1989.

We were still living in that
small apartment in Harlem,

and we were three months behind
on the rent when you said

you had no choice but to do
this little commercial.

(gasps)
You wouldn't dare.

Oh, I certainly would.

Because I...

just so happen to have this

VHS player.

You left it to me
in the divorce.

Catherine, you better not.

What you gonna do?
Divorce me? Again?

(both laugh)

(record scratching)

("Walk This Way" by Run-DMC
& Aerosmith playing)

Yo, what's up?

It's your boy Sweet D-D-D

in the place to be, be, be.

When I'm not putting down
the sounds,

I'm spinning round and round,

cleaning up
what y'all been putting down.

And if you hate those stains,

you want 'em unseen,

you better get some
squeaky, squeaky, squeaky,

squeaky clean, clean, clean,

clean, clean, clean.

Ooh!

That's right, it's only $4.99,

and if you tell them
you heard it from me, Sweet D,

you get this flush brush

for free, free,
free, free, free.

Well, I got to go,
get back to my flow.

Now you know.

(shouting)

(laughter)

Look, I had to do that.

The bills were due,
you were pregnant.

A-And they said that was only
gonna air in Istanbul.

That sounds like
a lot of excuses.

Look, Dad, I don't judge
you for that, okay?

You did what
you had to do

to take care of us
and start your career.

Okay, so what do y'all
want from me?

ALL:
An apology.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

ALL:
For what?

That I left you that VHS player

in the divorce.

Okay? Fine? You happy?

ALL: No. We want our
own individual apologies.

Fine. I'll start with the person
I hate the most.

- I'm listening.
- Okay.

Catherine, I'm sorry that
I talked about your son

to the point where you felt

you had to come here
and defend him.

Thank you.

Ivy,

I apologize for being slightly,

maybe a little offensive to you,

and doing

this podcast by myself sucks.

You had me at "Ivy."

Thank you for that.

(Junior clearing throat
musically)

(grunts)

And most of all,
I apologize to my son Damon Jr.

For publicly humiliating you.

It's...

how I was raised.

You know, I wanted
to be a DJ

since 14 years old.

But my father thought
it was a stupid idea,

so he made me work with him
at the supermarket.

I remember one day,
I'm in the back,

telling my coworkers about
my dream of spinning records

at the Audubon Ballroom.

My father walks in

and says,

"How you gonna fill up
a ballroom

"when you can't even fill up
a soda display?

"You ain't
gonna be no DJ,

you lazy bum. Get back to work."

And I was hurt.

So I confronted him.

And as punishment,
when I got home,

he threw away
all my DJ equipment.

Records, everything.

So I left home at 14

to prove him wrong.

I didn't know any of this.

Yeah.

(sighs) There's a lot
you don't know about me, son.

But I, uh,

only want what's best for you.

And I hope you forget
that commercial.

What commercial?

Come here, man.

Love you, Dad.

I love you, too.

♪ ♪

The foam roller mini,

a staff most wondrous. Ah...

For in my days,
when battles sore...

(imitates swords clashing)

...my limbs grow weary
with smiting mine enemy.

But lo, this cylinder
can give relief

where none else might suffice.

♪ Ah, la, la ♪

♪ Ah, la-la-la. ♪

For if a king might find
sweet solace here,

then so, too, may his maiden.

(high-pitched): And the maiden
will like it, too. Ha, ha!

I love it.

You were right, JJ.

This kid's a star,
and your Lear was hilarious.

Oh, Gregory, thank you
for believing in me,

thank you for investing
in my company.

Well, you are proven.

But I'm looking forward
to working with this one.

I mean, this

is a billy in the making.

(laughs)

Got the time frame on
me being a billy or...?

(both laugh)

(laughter)

(speaks indistinctly)

- Marker.
- So, Dad, I need your help

to introduce the world to...

So, Dad, I need your help...

- Mm.
- All right, Dad,

stop having pity on me.

Can I have the...
Just say my line,

he's like, "It's okay.
You'll get there, little baby."

- What are you doing?
- I'm about to light this thing on fire.

Give me a match. Come on.

- Or... (chuckles)
- Mm-mm.

...why don't you light yourself
on fire?

Hark.

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