Original subtitles

Hey, babe. How's Boca Raton?

NINA (over FaceTime): Old. And I'm sorry I'm not there,

but I could not turn this down.

This is my first event with the AARP,

and they're, like, the gateway

to the entire retirement community.

And those people spend their money like there is no tomorrow.

Because there isn't. (chuckles) Oh!

Guess what? I booked Charo.

(gasps) What?! She's still alive?

Yeah, she's just hanging out in the lobby

with her maracas saying "Cuchi Cuchi!"

So I said, "If you can say that at the ballroom,

"I will give you $500

and an all-you-can-eat food voucher."

Yay! Yay, yay, yay, yay, yay, yay!

(whooping) Hey. (squeals)

Hey, hey, is that your husband?

NINA: It is my husband.

Ooh, such a hot tamale. Cuchi! Cuchi!

Cuchi! (whoops) (Nina laughs)

Well, things are going pretty well over here.

As you can see, I've got most of the decorations set up

for the slumber party. NINA: Wow!

They look great for you.

Did you invite your dad?

Ooh, I did better than invite him.

I didn't invite him.

Junior. It's Grandparent's Day.

He has to be there.

My dad's gonna be there, your mom's gonna be there,

and the kids are making them surprises.

I know.

But you know my dad. If I invite him,

he's gonna say... (mimics Poppa)"Mm. No."

So I've been inception-ing him.

Trying to get him pregnant?

Yes. Pregnant with my ideas.

You see, I've been inserting subliminal key phrases

that would prompt him to want to go to the sleepover.

Words like "slumber" and "party."

Did you also whisper "Junior has a dumb idea"-

put the banner higher-

because you know he hates this kind of stuff.

No. Relax, babe. I have a plan.

By the way, do you like the banner higher like this?

I think it should be higher, right?

Yeah.

It's a great idea-

I might have to stay another day-

I miss you.

I wish you were here, but I know you have to stay another day.

Yeah.

I wish- disown your mother- I was there, too.

You know, I was thinking about disowning my m-

Wait, what'd you say?

Hmm? Oh, nothing. I just- I said I love you.

Okay. I love you, too. Well...

I'm gonna go over there right now and give this invite

to Ivy in front of my father. (chuckles)

He's gonna be so jealous and curious.

Sounds mature. CHARO: Cuchi, cuchi!

Oh, uh, speaking of mature... (Charo's raspy voice) Yeah!

...Charo's getting restless. I got to go.

I'll call you later.

Okay. I love you, baby- get taller- Bye.

Bye! Wait, what?

? Poppa's ?

? House ?

? Yeah. ?

You know, right now, my life is designed to only do

things that make me happy.

And I'm sure you're gonna elaborate. Yeah.

I-I have a system.

I wake up at 4:00 a.m. Have a little bit of coffee.

I watch some sports. Coffee moves the crowd.

Take the Browns to the playoffs.

Then I have a sardine McMuffin.

Little more coffee.

Take the Browns to the Superbowl.

Then I need a nap.

After the nap, we do the podcast.

I take another nap, then I have some dinner,

and by then, it's time for bed.

What are you, a bear?

That is not sleep,

that's hibernation.

Well, my whole adult life has been

being on someone else's schedule.

You know how many naps did I miss

going to recitals and my ex-wife's family reunions?

I hated everybody there.

Especially Lafonzo. Who's Lafonzo?

Exactly.

He's some distant relative of my ex-wife,

who would show up uninvited

and then tell the worst stories ever.

He'd say stuff like...

(slow voice): "Uh, to make a long story short,"

and then he'd make the story longer.

Poppa, you just don't like people.

No, I love the concept of people.

But then there's Lafonzo.

And I just don't want to be bothered with anybody. (knock at window)

Hey, Dad, uh, door's locked for some reason.

Yeah, you're the reason.

Come on, Pop, I want to ask you a question.

(quietly): Be still.

He's attracted to movement.

Damn it. Where'd they go?

? ?

(sighs)

(high-pitched T. rex cry)

(laughs)

That was easy.

(thumping, rattling)

He's coming.

I sense he's already here.

(pained shouting)

(bones cracking)

(groans)

How did you get in here? JUNIOR: It's a secret-

come to my slumber party.

By the way, uh,

you need a new window and a new drainpipe.

What do you want, D. rex?

Uh, I just came here to deliver this invitation

to a very special event that's happening

tonight to, oh, Dr. Ivy Reed.

(laughs)

You want to give it to her? No.

She's right over there. Oh. Oh, okay.

Thought you'd be more curious about it. Mm-mm.

Well... (chuckles)

Dr. Ivy Reed, we can't wait to see you there.

There'll be lots of fun, lots of surprises.

You know, we got, uh, story time...

...charades,

karaoke...

He's looking, he's looking.

And a really super cool surprise at the end.

But I'm not gonna tell you what it is.

And you can't tell anybody because

not everybody's invited,

if you catch my drift.

Oh, well, okay.

Thank you. Mm-hmm.

Look at that smile. You're so excited.

(laughs) You're so...

It's gonna be fun, yeah, it's gonna be a lot of fun.

Well... (sighs)

...gonna go finish setting up my crazy fun day.

You better not ask me what it is, 'cause I ain't telling.

Not one peep.

Zip. (chuckles)

Zip. I'm sorry, what? What did you say?

I'm sorry, you-you, you want to know what it was?

No. No?

Oh, I thought I heard you say som- Mm.

You didn't say anything?

Mm-mm.

All right. Well, uh,

I'll just, uh, see you tonight.

Boop! (chuckling)

Yes!

Where are you going?

Oh, to my house.

(branches rustling)

IVY: Wow, wow, wow.

This is something.

You're gonna want to know about this.

Nope.

I'll give you a hint.

No, please.

It concerns you.

Still no.

Okay, you're acting weird.

What is going on?

Well, Junior is having a slumber party,

and he's not inviting me

so I'll ask if I can come.

Well, you can definitely come because it says inside

we're gonna cel- I don't want to go.

He's inceptioning me.

He's trying to get you pregnant?

Yes.

With his stupid ideas about his slumber party.

Okay. You're being ridiculous.

And you're reading into this.

(chuckles)

Am I?

Okay, Poppa, you know you want to go to the party.

I do not want to go to the party because he didn't invite me.

And besides, slumber parties ain't nothing but a racket.

Oh!

Hold up. Let me take a crack at this.

(mimics Poppa): Mm. You stay up late

because you're sleeping on the floor

but your actual bed's upstairs, meh,

and your pillows, they smell like people's breath

and kids' feet,

meh, and you wake up in a bad mood,

as per usual. Meh.

All that, but funnier.

? ?

? Yeah, yeah. ?

NINA: So, how's it going?

It's going great.

I gave Ivy the invitation right in front of him, dude.

(laughs)

You should've saw his face,

he was salivating over it.

(laughing) I put a pillow in his fridge.

It was so cold, I bet.

He's hooked. He's coming.

Well, I'm glad you're having fun, baby. Bye.

(nasal voice): Bye!

Mr. Lafonzo,

may I ask, how exactly are we related?

Well, to make a long story short...

...I'm your grandmother's cousin's

brother's uncle's nephew

once removed.

All right, everybody. Let's play our first game, all right?

It's my dad's favorite. It's called Impression Sessions.

Ooh, I'll go first.

See if you can guess who this is.

I work at a foam roller company.

I-I don't know. You?

(mimics buzzer) Wrong.

I own a foam roller company.

No, I was doing you. This is fun, right? (chuckles)

But why do you have a hat on?

To throw you off the scent.

Oh, I got a story about that.

The year was 1974.

Elizabeth Taylor was on husband number five...

Uh, Lafonzo, why don't you run down to the store

and get us a bag of ice?

Oh, speaking of ice-

Go!

All right, I'll go get the ice.

Be back in a flash.

? ?

(laughing)

Their little plan is backfiring.

They were trying to make me jealous,

and then they got...

Lafonzoed.

You are terrible.

So, what? You're just gonna stand there

and watch them have fun? Yes!

That's my fun.

Poppa, you need to stop with this stupid game

and just go over there. I'm not playing the game.

He's playing the game.

He gave you an invite, not me.

So until I get a formal invitation, I'm not going.

Well, I am.

'Cause it sounds like they're having a good time.

And I hope that you will put on your big boy pants

and come join us.

We'll see how you feel after you get...

Lafonzoed.

He can't be that bad.

So they told me to go get ice

and I tried, but I couldn't find my keys.

So I put on my "looking for my keys" glasses.

And guess what? "Plot twist," I found them.

They was in... Okay, Lafonzo!

Thank you!

The ice, please.

Okay. Be back in a flash.

Okay. No. We're gonna do this door.

This door. That door's too far, okay?

Junior, what's Poppa doing?

Oh.

(both shout)

He's taking the bait and running with it.

(laughs) Okay.

It's time to crank up the jealousy meter.

Maya? You're activated.

MAYA: I sure am.

(low voice): Who am I?

Mm. Where are my sardines?

Mm.

I need a nap.

Mm.

No, you can't get any ice cream

'cause I'm diabetic.

(laughter) That's my dad.

He has diabetes.

That's a good Poppa.

They think I've taken the bait. (chuckles)

They're playing the jealousy game,

but what they don't know is I invented the jealousy game.

Ain't that right, Pop... Popcorn?

(distant barking)

(barking)

Traitor.

You dirty little dog.

So, here's the plan. Jealousy didn't work,

so now we need a negotiator.

(JJ scoffs)

Well,

I don't mean to sound arrogant, but...

You always do, but go on.

...I am the world's best negotiator, okay?

If I get in the door,

I've won.

Hey. Hey, Oompa-Loompa.

They let you out of the chocolate factory?

Well, at least I can eat chocolate without losing a foot.

(laughs)

"Good one, JJ."

That was a good one. Why, thank you.

Why are you here? Oh, just to make a peace offering, man.

I-I brought a bottle of my finest

single malt scotch. Now... Mm.

...why don't you just, uh, let me inside,

and, uh, we'll talk about this like a couple of men?

Well, the problem is, there's only one man here and that's me.

Is that Limburger cheese I smell?

Mm, yes, it is. How did you know

I had a weakness for it?

Because you always smell like the cheese

on the baby's neck.

This one is an '88.

An '88, you say? Yeah.

I-Is that how cheese works? Yeah.

It's like your scotch.

The older it is, the better it tastes.

Well, it smells like a locker room after a kung fu class,

so it must be good.

Yeah.

Hey, would you like some?

(scoffs) Does a baby want a bottle?

Ooh! Hey!

Man. You missed.

Sorry.

My God!

That cheese is delicious.

I tell you what, I'll trade you my cheese...

Uh-huh? ...for your scotch.

Done and done. Okay. On the three.

One, two, three.

Ah.

Sucker.

Yep.

Ha, ha!

What is that god-awful stench?

That's the smell of victory. (laughs)

I won the negotiation.

Then where is Poppa?

Who cares?

Smell this cheese.

Ooh... No! JUNIOR: Stop wafting it!

I-It's an '88.

It smells like death.

That's how you know it's good.

You were supposed to bring my dad over here.

Oh. Damn it. Oh, y-you're right.

In my delirium, I completely forgot.

Well, that didn't work.

Now it's time to bring out the big guns.

We need a dragon.

I have arrived.

Dracarys.

Ah!

(laughs)

Hello, my has-been.

Look, why

are you here? I came over here

to demand that you come to Junior's slumber party.

Mm, no.

(scoffs)

You know, we are all so tired of you

saying "Mm, no" again and again and again.

I don't always say no to Junior. Oh.

What about the time that he asked you

to come to his baseball games?

Well, he sucked at baseball.

Had he been Aaron Judge, I'd have been at every game.

Okay, what about his kindergarten graduation?

He sucked at kindergarten, too.

He still thinks L-M-N-O-P is one letter.

You never came to any of his school plays.

Because he sucked.

They used to cast him as the wind.

Yes, in Gone with the Wind.

It was the lead.

Frankly, Catherine,

I don't give a damn.

(sighs)

And why don't you be Gone with the Wind?

You know, why don't you just blow on over

to Junior's with me?

I will say it again

so that you will understand. Mm-hmm.

If he asks me to go,

I will consider it.

Has anyone ever told you that you're a low-down,

rotten, dirty snake in the grass?

Yes, you, in divorce court.

Mm, goodbye, Catherine.

(sighs)

Well, he slayed our dragon.

Boy, you better pick me up.

JUNIOR: Didn't want it to have to come to this,

but he's left me no choice.

Maya, Trey?

You're our last and best hope.

We got this, Dad.

We'll bend him to our will.

Hmm.

BOTH: We surrender!

Traitors!

Y'all are traitors!

To the gallows.

Junior, how long is this gonna go on?

Okay? One of you has to be the bigger person.

Why don't you be him?

I don't want to be the bigger person.

(sighs) Fine. I'll go invite him.

But I already know what he's gonna say.

Yes.

"Yes"?

After all the drama,

after the cheese and the stealing my kids

and the slaying my dragon?

After all that, you just say yes?

Yes. No.

You can't say yes,

because then that makes me look crazy.

Yes. Stop saying that!

Why?

E-S.

(mouths) Damn it, Dad, come on.

Look,

I told you, if you just invited me,

I would consider it and give you my answer,

and my answer is- don't be mad- yes.

I-I just don't want to be mad anymore.

Here's your pajamas.

Thank you.

(mouthing)

All right, let's go.

Glad you finally bent the knee.

Bent the... Come on, man.

You couldn't just take the win? You had to rub it in?

Rubbing it in is the fun part for me.

Well, not for me it isn't. Look,

I'm excited to go.

I didn't want you to think that your, uh,

inception plan was ever gonna work.

Damn it, Dad, what is wrong with you?

Why are you like this?

Look, when I was a kid,

I spent years in and out of the hospital

getting my clubfoot corrected.

And when they were done,

they gave me this big-ass shoe to wear.

And I didn't like being around other kids

because they would laugh at me.

So I learned to be by myself,

to entertain myself

and be my own best friend.

So when you didn't invite me,

it kind of brought up some of those painful memories.

Oh, Dad, that was never my intention.

I...

(sighs) I was just sure you were gonna say no

'cause you always do, and I didn't want to get rejected.

I guess you get your fear of rejection from me.

That and your little ankles.

Ready to go have some fun?

Mm, no.

But I will. Come on.

CATHERINE: So, the year was

1989, and I was three months pregnant with Junior.

Hey, man, she just drones on and on and on and on

and on and on, doesn't she?

(laughs): Right? She's such a...

That's my mother.

Hey, Pop.

Admit it. You're having a good time.

It's fun.

But I'm glad it's a slumber party because I'm tired.

What is it, like, 10:00 or something like that?

It's 5:30.

And we have a little surprise for you.

For me? Yeah, go sit. Have a sit.

Have a sit, yeah. Have a sit.

Okay.

All right, now close your eyes and hold out your hands.

Now open them.

MAYA: Poppa,

on Grandparent's Day... (gasps) Wow.

...we present you with this crown.

TREY: You're the grandest parent

of all. (Catherine clears throat)

I'm sitting right here.

Yours is coming.

Is why you guys wanted me to come to this?

ALL: Yes!

Well, somebody should've said something.

Oh, my goodness. IVY: You got to be kidding me.

We've been trying... Okay, okay,

my turn, my t- excuse me, now.

All right, all right, ready for my crown.

Crown me.

Speaking of crowns...

What?

Uh... That reminds me of a time I was in Africa.

Hey. Hey, y'all! It was the Mozambique-Botswana basketball...

? ?

? We are family ?

? I got all my sisters with me ?

? We are family ?

? Get up, everybody, and sing ?

? We are family ? Everything, you and the things you do ?

? Hey, hey ? I got all my sisters with me ?

? Oh, yeah, yeah ?

? We are family... ?

Marker. Hold up, let me take a crack at this.

(high-pitched): Mm. You stay up late

because your actual bed-

(regular pitch): "You're sleeping on the floor."

Hold up, let me take a crack at this.

(high-pitched): Mm. You try to...

(regular pitch): (bleep) Sorry.

So what I'm hearing you say is

it's time for plan B.

Not that kind.

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