Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:03,170
{\an8}?
2
00:00:05,423 --> 00:00:07,716
- This is nice.
Just the boys.
3
00:00:07,717 --> 00:00:09,759
- And you ruined it.
4
00:00:09,760 --> 00:00:12,262
- All right, people, we knew this
day was coming, and it's here.
5
00:00:12,263 --> 00:00:14,264
Straighten your ties
and cover your thighs.
6
00:00:14,265 --> 00:00:16,141
- Oh, no, I have a note
from my doctor
7
00:00:16,142 --> 00:00:19,853
that says my thighs can
be uncovered in the workplace.
8
00:00:19,854 --> 00:00:21,521
- Unh-unh. Not tonight.
9
00:00:21,522 --> 00:00:23,898
Gurgs just told me
that Dr. Nitelife is coming.
10
00:00:23,899 --> 00:00:25,650
And since I take
on other people's energies,
11
00:00:25,651 --> 00:00:27,736
I'm freaking out.
- Who's Dr. Nitelife?
12
00:00:27,737 --> 00:00:29,279
- Dr. Nitelife...
- Not a real name.
13
00:00:29,280 --> 00:00:30,530
- ...is an obnoxious
TikTok influencer...
14
00:00:30,531 --> 00:00:32,115
- Not a real job.
15
00:00:32,116 --> 00:00:33,867
- ...who goes around
making fun of places.
16
00:00:33,868 --> 00:00:36,578
- Not a- [ Laughs ] Not a bad
way to spend a day.
17
00:00:36,579 --> 00:00:38,496
- Last time he was here,
he put us on the list
18
00:00:38,497 --> 00:00:39,956
of New York's biggest circuses.
19
00:00:39,957 --> 00:00:43,251
We were ahead of a real circus.
20
00:00:43,252 --> 00:00:46,172
- I mean, he's not wrong.
We do have Sheila.
21
00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:51,802
- I bet that's a macchia-toe.
[ Snorts ]
22
00:00:53,888 --> 00:00:56,890
Come on, guys,
that was a good one.
23
00:00:56,891 --> 00:00:58,767
Sheila gotta go,
along with everything else
24
00:00:58,768 --> 00:01:00,393
that makes this place weird.
25
00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:02,061
I can't end up on
that list again.
26
00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:04,355
- Gurgs, aren't you
taking this a little personally?
27
00:01:04,356 --> 00:01:06,441
- None of you were here.
You don't understand.
28
00:01:06,442 --> 00:01:09,944
He called me a fail-iff,
Dan, fail-iff!
29
00:01:09,945 --> 00:01:12,489
- Okay, I say this
as your friend.
30
00:01:12,490 --> 00:01:15,492
I'm probably going to use that.
31
00:01:15,493 --> 00:01:17,786
-#fail-iff was huge.
32
00:01:17,787 --> 00:01:19,621
Is this video you trying
to tackle a streaker
33
00:01:19,622 --> 00:01:21,039
covered in butter?
34
00:01:21,040 --> 00:01:24,584
- He tasted like a lobster roll.
35
00:01:24,585 --> 00:01:26,711
But that's not going
to happen this year.
36
00:01:26,712 --> 00:01:28,296
I'm locking down our crazy.
37
00:01:28,297 --> 00:01:29,964
We're going to have a nice,
38
00:01:29,965 --> 00:01:33,051
bland evening on account
of my secret weapon.
39
00:01:33,052 --> 00:01:35,929
- It's me. I'm a secret weapon.
- [ Giggles ] More of that.
40
00:01:35,930 --> 00:01:38,765
Influencers hate genuine
enthusiasm.
41
00:01:38,766 --> 00:01:42,310
Almost as much as they hate
my other secret weapon.
42
00:01:42,311 --> 00:01:45,230
Lame dads.
43
00:01:45,231 --> 00:01:49,400
- Would a lame dad have
this cool leather bracelet?
44
00:01:49,401 --> 00:01:51,319
- Look, I love this place,
45
00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:53,655
but sometimes I'd like it if it
were a little less this place.
46
00:01:53,656 --> 00:01:56,616
So, for one night only,
let's have no big surprises.
47
00:01:56,617 --> 00:01:59,577
- Nobody move! I have a bomb!
48
00:01:59,578 --> 00:02:03,039
JK. I'm just here
to pick something up.
49
00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:05,584
- Put me down, Heather.
I'm a secret weapon.
50
00:02:07,294 --> 00:02:09,587
- Wow. Crazy Heather's
still alive.
51
00:02:09,588 --> 00:02:12,799
I owe you guys $50.
52
00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:16,928
- The only thing
I'm crazy about is my new baby.
53
00:02:16,929 --> 00:02:19,597
Oh, shoot. I left him strapped
to the changing table.
54
00:02:19,598 --> 00:02:21,433
Mom brain. BRB.
55
00:02:24,270 --> 00:02:27,106
So, no one's gonna
ask about my cool bracelet?
56
00:02:29,358 --> 00:02:34,279
{\an8}?
57
00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:37,115
{\an8}- So this is your baby?
Like, you gave birth to him?
58
00:02:37,116 --> 00:02:39,868
{\an8}This isn't a finders
keepers situation?
59
00:02:39,869 --> 00:02:43,538
{\an8}- Nope. He's mine.
His name is DiGiorno.
60
00:02:43,539 --> 00:02:45,039
{\an8}I named him after the pizza
I was eating
61
00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:48,126
{\an8}when he was conceived.
62
00:02:48,127 --> 00:02:50,336
{\an8}- Guess this is why I haven't
heard from you in nine months.
63
00:02:50,337 --> 00:02:51,921
{\an8}I thought maybe you were mad
at me
64
00:02:51,922 --> 00:02:53,715
{\an8}for throwing your whale tail
in jail.
65
00:02:53,716 --> 00:02:55,758
{\an8}- You throwing my whale tail
in jail
66
00:02:55,759 --> 00:02:58,011
{\an8}was just the wake-up
call I needed.
67
00:02:58,012 --> 00:03:00,889
{\an8}I realized I had to start
acting like a grown-up.
68
00:03:00,890 --> 00:03:04,559
{\an8}And what's more
grown up than getting pregnant?
69
00:03:04,560 --> 00:03:06,728
{\an8}- I might have started
with Sudoku.
70
00:03:06,729 --> 00:03:09,188
{\an8}You don't have to keep
Sudoku alive.
71
00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:11,232
{\an8}- Ooh, my boobs are barking.
72
00:03:11,233 --> 00:03:14,235
{\an8}I got to pop off another couple
dozen bottles for this bruiser.
73
00:03:14,236 --> 00:03:16,070
{\an8}He eats like The Rock
on cheat day.
74
00:03:16,071 --> 00:03:17,614
{\an8}You're good with babies, right?
75
00:03:17,615 --> 00:03:20,283
{\an8}- Oh, yeah. Me likey the babies.
76
00:03:20,284 --> 00:03:22,911
{\an8}- Oh, there's one spot on his
head that will kill him.
77
00:03:22,912 --> 00:03:25,456
{\an8}Don't touch it. Bye!
78
00:03:28,375 --> 00:03:32,087
{\an8}- So, um,
what kind of books are you into?
79
00:03:32,088 --> 00:03:36,257
{\an8}- Wow. You finally meet a man
who's shorter than you,
80
00:03:36,258 --> 00:03:38,301
{\an8}and you're blowing it.
81
00:03:38,302 --> 00:03:40,803
{\an8}- I just don't know how to start
a conversation with a baby.
82
00:03:40,804 --> 00:03:42,680
{\an8}- That's surprising.
83
00:03:42,681 --> 00:03:44,432
{\an8}I figured you'd be a pile
of mush by now.
84
00:03:44,433 --> 00:03:48,144
{\an8}Yeah, who's Abby's little yummy,
scrummy chummy?
85
00:03:48,145 --> 00:03:50,813
{\an8}Things of that nature.
86
00:03:50,814 --> 00:03:52,690
{\an8}- Just because I look like Dawn
87
00:03:52,691 --> 00:03:55,735
{\an8}from "The Baby-Sitters Club"
doesn't mean I love babies.
88
00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:58,446
{\an8}The truth is, I just
don't get the whole baby thing.
89
00:03:58,447 --> 00:04:00,281
{\an8}But if you say that to people,
90
00:04:00,282 --> 00:04:01,783
{\an8}they act like there's
something wrong with you.
91
00:04:01,784 --> 00:04:03,409
{\an8}- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I get the same reaction
92
00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:05,078
{\an8}when I tell people
I don't like kittens.
93
00:04:05,079 --> 00:04:08,957
{\an8}- You don't like kittens?
What's wrong with you?
94
00:04:08,958 --> 00:04:12,710
{\an8}- They sense death, Abby.
95
00:04:12,711 --> 00:04:15,880
{\an8}Nothing cute about
the dark magic.
96
00:04:15,881 --> 00:04:18,257
{\an8}- Yeah, well, babies bring
nothing to the table.
97
00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:20,343
{\an8}I mean, kids, kids are fun.
98
00:04:20,344 --> 00:04:24,097
{\an8}They do stuff, but babies just
sit there all high and mighty.
99
00:04:24,098 --> 00:04:25,974
{\an8}When they cry on planes,
100
00:04:25,975 --> 00:04:28,101
{\an8}the flight attendant brings
around extra pretzels.
101
00:04:28,102 --> 00:04:30,872
{\an8}When I cry, they make
me shut off "The Notebook."
102
00:04:32,690 --> 00:04:35,900
I mean, what is anyone
even supposed to do with this...
103
00:04:35,901 --> 00:04:38,152
yummy chummy scrummy?
104
00:04:38,153 --> 00:04:39,904
I was just telling Dan
105
00:04:39,905 --> 00:04:41,739
I want to braise those
little ham hocks in a Crock-Pot
106
00:04:41,740 --> 00:04:45,284
I got at a bargain aisle
at a TJ Maxx.
107
00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:47,453
- Ugh. Can you guys believe it?
108
00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:51,165
My travel pump exploded.
Can't handle my flow.
109
00:04:51,166 --> 00:04:53,711
- And with that, adieu.
110
00:04:55,963 --> 00:04:57,880
- What's his deal?
He still mad
111
00:04:57,881 --> 00:04:59,799
I didn't call him back
after our date?
112
00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:02,093
- When someone is your lawyer,
it doesn't count as a date.
113
00:05:02,094 --> 00:05:03,928
- But-
- I know you're both dressed up.
114
00:05:03,929 --> 00:05:05,264
Still doesn't count.
115
00:05:09,601 --> 00:05:12,145
- Your Honor, my client told
her family for years
116
00:05:12,146 --> 00:05:14,439
that she was in "The Lion King."
So when they came to town,
117
00:05:14,440 --> 00:05:16,399
what choice did she have
118
00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:20,778
but to sneak on stage
dressed as a gnu?
119
00:05:20,779 --> 00:05:23,865
- She caused a stampede
that trampled a father,
120
00:05:23,866 --> 00:05:25,950
forcing his son
to live with a warthog
121
00:05:25,951 --> 00:05:28,119
and his meerkat "boyfriend."
122
00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:30,663
- $100 fine.
123
00:05:30,664 --> 00:05:32,248
Next time, let your parents down
124
00:05:32,249 --> 00:05:35,960
the old-fashioned way,
with a tattoo.
125
00:05:35,961 --> 00:05:38,755
- Deej, let this be a lesson.
That lady's only crime
126
00:05:38,756 --> 00:05:41,507
was getting caught.
127
00:05:41,508 --> 00:05:43,801
- Okay, girls, to get ready
for Dr. Nitelife,
128
00:05:43,802 --> 00:05:46,763
I pushed the rest of
the freaky cases, but be warned,
129
00:05:46,764 --> 00:05:48,806
tomorrow night will be weird.
130
00:05:48,807 --> 00:05:51,851
You're going to want
to put down some tarps.
131
00:05:51,852 --> 00:05:54,437
- Well, I appreciate the help,
Wyatt.
132
00:05:54,438 --> 00:05:56,647
- What? I am being so boring.
133
00:05:56,648 --> 00:05:58,483
We just had "Lion King"
on trial,
134
00:05:58,484 --> 00:06:01,152
and I didn't do one voice,
and I could do all of them.
135
00:06:01,153 --> 00:06:03,321
"Simba."
136
00:06:03,322 --> 00:06:05,031
"Dad!"
137
00:06:05,032 --> 00:06:10,495
"And I'm the lion
that's for some reason British."
138
00:06:10,496 --> 00:06:12,455
- But why is Crazy Heather
still here?
139
00:06:12,456 --> 00:06:14,290
I spent a lot of time
weeding out all the nuts
140
00:06:14,291 --> 00:06:15,708
from the gallery.
141
00:06:15,709 --> 00:06:17,252
You, show me your hand.
142
00:06:19,338 --> 00:06:21,006
The other one.
143
00:06:25,299 --> 00:06:29,847
But none of that matters
if Dr. Nitelife gets a video
144
00:06:29,848 --> 00:06:32,308
of me tackling your wild friend
and her baby.
145
00:06:32,309 --> 00:06:34,185
- Fine. I'll ask her to leave.
146
00:06:34,186 --> 00:06:35,978
I'm just waiting for
the right moment.
147
00:06:35,979 --> 00:06:38,564
And she's talking to Dan.
The moment has arrived.
148
00:06:38,565 --> 00:06:40,942
- Hey, Papa Smurf, you look wise.
149
00:06:40,943 --> 00:06:43,611
Any advice for my
little deep dish?
150
00:06:43,612 --> 00:06:46,030
- You can file for emancipation
at age eight.
151
00:06:46,031 --> 00:06:48,866
Do it.
152
00:06:48,867 --> 00:06:51,410
And some advice for you.
Get your phone out of my face.
153
00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:53,371
- Oh. It's actually
DiGiorno's phone.
154
00:06:53,372 --> 00:06:56,125
It's an Android. What a nerd.
155
00:06:56,126 --> 00:06:59,836
- Heather, I can't believe
you're wasting your one night
156
00:06:59,837 --> 00:07:01,754
in the city
cooped up here with a baby.
157
00:07:01,755 --> 00:07:03,589
You should go out, have fun.
158
00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:05,341
- Oh, Abby.
You really don't mind?
159
00:07:05,342 --> 00:07:07,760
- Oh, no. Come on,
get out of here, you.
160
00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:10,930
- Oh, thank you so much.
I really need a night out.
161
00:07:10,931 --> 00:07:13,516
Okay, I'm going to go
to the club
162
00:07:13,517 --> 00:07:16,352
and let these boobs do
what they were made for.
163
00:07:16,353 --> 00:07:19,480
- Oh, no. No, I didn't mean-
- Oh, you're not mean at all.
164
00:07:19,481 --> 00:07:22,024
Real quick.
"Waah!" means he's hungry.
165
00:07:22,025 --> 00:07:26,612
"Waah" means he's sleepy.
And "waah!" means he's happy.
166
00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:28,739
- He screams when he's happy?
167
00:07:28,740 --> 00:07:31,510
- Oh, yeah, he screams all
the time. You're gonna love it.
168
00:07:33,078 --> 00:07:36,205
- Good news.
Got rid of crazy Heather.
169
00:07:36,206 --> 00:07:38,457
[ DiGiorno cries ]
170
00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:40,586
And that's the end
of the good news.
171
00:07:42,749 --> 00:07:46,632
- All right, Wyatt, I lost
Abby to a baby,
172
00:07:46,633 --> 00:07:49,051
so you're going to have to bore
Dr. Nitelife all by yourself.
173
00:07:49,052 --> 00:07:50,845
- I don't know if I'm your guy,
Gurgs.
174
00:07:50,846 --> 00:07:52,930
I just read a pretty
interesting article about
175
00:07:52,931 --> 00:07:55,016
when to marinate
or went to rub your ribs.
176
00:07:55,017 --> 00:07:58,519
Spoiler alert- always rub.
177
00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:00,271
- Why aren't you asking me
for help?
178
00:08:00,272 --> 00:08:03,441
- Because I need someone normal
for this job.
179
00:08:03,442 --> 00:08:05,485
- You don't think I'm normal?
180
00:08:08,071 --> 00:08:10,323
It's because of my head,
isn't it?
181
00:08:10,324 --> 00:08:14,203
I'm too bald.
Your words, not mine.
182
00:08:17,039 --> 00:08:22,001
- The doctor is in,
and I need 10 cc of rizz.
183
00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:24,754
Luckily, we just got to the
dumbest place I've ever seen.
184
00:08:24,755 --> 00:08:28,674
Oh, and here's our
favorite fail-iff!
185
00:08:28,675 --> 00:08:30,426
[ Laughs ]
186
00:08:30,427 --> 00:08:34,013
What kind of circus
do you have for me this year?
187
00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:36,057
Why is it boring in here?
188
00:08:36,058 --> 00:08:39,644
Where are my tweakers, freakers,
and hot-butted streakers?
189
00:08:39,645 --> 00:08:41,896
- Well, Doc,
sorry to disappoint you,
190
00:08:41,897 --> 00:08:44,565
but I don't think you'll be
seeing anything freaky tonight.
191
00:08:44,566 --> 00:08:46,985
Certainly not behind you.
192
00:08:48,904 --> 00:08:51,697
- Hi.
- Hi. Hi. I'm Wyatt.
193
00:08:51,698 --> 00:08:53,282
I'll be giving you a tour
of this courthouse.
194
00:08:53,283 --> 00:08:55,243
Let's start in the hallway.
195
00:08:55,244 --> 00:08:57,578
Did you know that hallways
weren't invented until 1597?
196
00:08:57,579 --> 00:08:59,580
I learned that on a documentary
197
00:08:59,581 --> 00:09:02,209
that Ken Burns called
his greatest mistake.
198
00:09:05,420 --> 00:09:07,213
- Get a room, you two.
199
00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:10,344
And when you're done, put those
things through the wash on hot.
200
00:09:12,594 --> 00:09:14,220
[ DiGiorno crying ]
201
00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:18,057
- Do you like this?
Is this fun for you?
202
00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:21,852
Okay, okay. It's not my fault
you're too dumb for fun toys.
203
00:09:21,853 --> 00:09:24,814
- I got to say, I sure hope this
goes better
204
00:09:24,815 --> 00:09:27,942
than when you fostered
that little squirrel.
205
00:09:27,943 --> 00:09:29,443
I've never seen
an animal so willing to jump
206
00:09:29,444 --> 00:09:31,445
in front of a garbage truck.
207
00:09:31,446 --> 00:09:35,408
- That was not my fault.
Zippers was born sad.
208
00:09:35,409 --> 00:09:37,243
- I hate to be
a backseat babysitter,
209
00:09:37,244 --> 00:09:39,745
but you plan on doing
anything about the crying?
210
00:09:39,746 --> 00:09:42,081
- I don't get it.
I fed him, I changed him.
211
00:09:42,082 --> 00:09:45,042
He has his phone.
212
00:09:45,043 --> 00:09:47,044
- I'm starting to believe
that you don't like babies
213
00:09:47,045 --> 00:09:51,215
because babies
don't-a like-a you.
214
00:09:51,216 --> 00:09:53,426
- I've met tons of babies
who love me.
215
00:09:53,427 --> 00:09:57,264
- Oh, oh, hey. Got a fun game.
Name one.
216
00:09:59,391 --> 00:10:01,475
- Um, well, um,
there was this baby
217
00:10:01,476 --> 00:10:03,394
at a beach once who shot
me a look
218
00:10:03,395 --> 00:10:06,564
when a dog was trying to pull
down its swim trunks, so...
219
00:10:06,565 --> 00:10:08,899
- That's a Coppertone ad.
220
00:10:08,900 --> 00:10:10,901
- Okay.
221
00:10:10,902 --> 00:10:12,611
So I've never met a baby
who likes me,
222
00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:14,739
but that's just
because I haven't tried.
223
00:10:14,740 --> 00:10:18,409
If I turned on the charm, this
baby would be obsessed with me.
224
00:10:18,410 --> 00:10:20,786
Watch.
225
00:10:20,787 --> 00:10:23,956
Where's Aunt Abby?
There I am.
226
00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:26,625
- [ Screams ]
- Oh, jeez! [ Gasps ]
227
00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:28,461
- I thought you disappeared.
228
00:10:28,462 --> 00:10:30,380
Don't ever do that again.
229
00:10:32,841 --> 00:10:35,134
- Interesting fact
about this courthouse.
230
00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:36,802
You know "12 Angry Men"?
231
00:10:36,803 --> 00:10:38,596
"Runaway Jury"?
"Legally Blonde"?
232
00:10:38,597 --> 00:10:41,015
None of them were shot here.
233
00:10:41,016 --> 00:10:44,185
- This is the most boring tour
I've ever been on,
234
00:10:44,186 --> 00:10:46,187
and I just got back from
the "Sex and the City" tour
235
00:10:46,188 --> 00:10:48,481
that was all Steve.
236
00:10:48,482 --> 00:10:51,650
- Sorry this isn't going the way
you wanted to, Doc.
237
00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:53,903
Might want to call it
an early night... life.
238
00:10:53,904 --> 00:10:55,404
[ Laughs ]
239
00:10:55,405 --> 00:10:57,031
See, I can use your name
against you, too.
240
00:10:57,032 --> 00:10:58,949
Am I right... life?
241
00:10:58,950 --> 00:11:00,659
- I don't know.
242
00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:02,995
The bald guy with wigs
for hand seems promising.
243
00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:07,166
- Gurgs, I have a decision
that is life or death.
244
00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:09,937
- It'll be death if you don't
get back in that courtroom.
245
00:11:12,839 --> 00:11:15,591
Wyatt, why don't you tell
the doctor
246
00:11:15,592 --> 00:11:18,302
that never-ending anecdote you
had about print media?
247
00:11:18,303 --> 00:11:19,929
- Oh.
- [ Laughs ]
248
00:11:19,930 --> 00:11:21,722
- [ Chuckling giddily ]
249
00:11:21,723 --> 00:11:23,849
Yeah. To get the full context,
250
00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:25,810
you'll need a list of my
favorite magazine subscriptions
251
00:11:25,811 --> 00:11:27,937
in order
of publishing frequency.
252
00:11:27,938 --> 00:11:31,607
"People."
That's once a week.
253
00:11:31,608 --> 00:11:33,484
- Why do you have wigs?
254
00:11:33,485 --> 00:11:37,530
- Because I heard you loud
and clear about my weird head.
255
00:11:37,531 --> 00:11:39,115
- Get to the point, Murray.
256
00:11:39,116 --> 00:11:40,991
- Oh, which hair is
the most normal?
257
00:11:40,992 --> 00:11:43,829
Don King or Larry King?
258
00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:47,206
- Neither.
Just look like a lawyer.
259
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:50,419
- This would have been
helpful to know $3,000 ago.
260
00:11:52,254 --> 00:11:54,964
- Now, "Bon App�tit,"
that's once a month.
261
00:11:54,965 --> 00:11:57,800
- Look, I know the fail-iff's
only using you
262
00:11:57,801 --> 00:11:59,468
as some boring smokescreen,
263
00:11:59,469 --> 00:12:02,012
but you don't want to be
this way.
264
00:12:02,013 --> 00:12:03,848
- I don't?
265
00:12:03,849 --> 00:12:05,808
- Let me guess.
The lady at the store said
266
00:12:05,809 --> 00:12:08,311
that bracelet would make
you look so cool?
267
00:12:09,813 --> 00:12:12,815
- I knew it was a risk,
but she had a nose ring.
268
00:12:12,816 --> 00:12:15,067
- You show me the good stuff,
269
00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:18,028
and I'll show you things people
want to hear you talk about.
270
00:12:18,029 --> 00:12:21,740
Like an underground rooftop.
271
00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:25,077
A nudie pumpkin patch
that's only open in July.
272
00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:27,872
A fight club where you
can fight a real Ninja Turtle.
273
00:12:27,873 --> 00:12:29,748
- [ Gasps ]
274
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:31,917
- You'd like that, wouldn't you?
275
00:12:31,918 --> 00:12:35,087
- I can't.
I told Gurgs I would help her.
276
00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:37,590
- I think it's time
you help yourself.
277
00:12:37,591 --> 00:12:40,302
- That's what
the nose ring girl said!
278
00:12:42,984 --> 00:12:46,432
- [ DiGiorno crying ]
- All right, baby,
279
00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:48,642
I don't like you,
and you don't like me.
280
00:12:48,643 --> 00:12:51,479
It says here babies
like high contrast.
281
00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:54,274
So get ready to be dazzled.
282
00:12:56,818 --> 00:12:59,320
Your cradle will rock!
283
00:12:59,321 --> 00:13:01,238
- [ Laughs ]
284
00:13:01,239 --> 00:13:03,365
- Oh! Oh, you like that.
285
00:13:03,366 --> 00:13:06,327
- [ Whines ]
286
00:13:06,328 --> 00:13:09,372
- Uh-oh, put the mask back on.
Your face is upsetting it.
287
00:13:10,707 --> 00:13:12,416
- So nice of you to weigh in
288
00:13:12,417 --> 00:13:15,169
when I've been raising
this baby all by myself.
289
00:13:15,170 --> 00:13:17,296
I had dreams, too, you know.
290
00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:20,174
It was going to be a dancer.
291
00:13:20,175 --> 00:13:21,509
- What are you talking about?
292
00:13:21,510 --> 00:13:23,302
- I don't know.
293
00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:25,137
I'm more tired
than I've ever been.
294
00:13:25,138 --> 00:13:26,805
Nothing is working.
295
00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:28,974
You know,
this has to be Heather's fault.
296
00:13:28,975 --> 00:13:31,393
She's crazy.
She spawned a crazy baby.
297
00:13:31,394 --> 00:13:33,479
This baby wouldn't like anyone.
298
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:35,856
[ DiGiorno giggles ]
299
00:13:35,857 --> 00:13:37,900
- Seems to like me.
300
00:13:37,901 --> 00:13:40,110
- What? Huh? How?
301
00:13:40,111 --> 00:13:42,154
You did nothing
to deserve that giggle.
302
00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:45,991
- Maybe this baby is just
a very good judge of character.
303
00:13:45,992 --> 00:13:48,744
- Please. He's just smiling at
you because you're a novelty.
304
00:13:48,745 --> 00:13:51,122
He barely sees you.
You're never home.
305
00:13:51,123 --> 00:13:54,917
- You know what I think?
Aunt Abby might be jealous.
306
00:13:54,918 --> 00:13:56,710
Yes. You know what?
307
00:13:56,711 --> 00:13:59,880
She's having
an existential crisis.
308
00:13:59,881 --> 00:14:01,674
- I am not jealous.
309
00:14:01,675 --> 00:14:03,717
And if I were
to have an existential crisis,
310
00:14:03,718 --> 00:14:05,636
it would have been
when the dentist told me
311
00:14:05,637 --> 00:14:07,807
that my mouth was too small
for Invisalign.
312
00:14:07,808 --> 00:14:12,184
- You know what? I can't believe
how soft his little feet are.
313
00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:14,687
The wonderful smell.
[ Sniffs ]
314
00:14:14,688 --> 00:14:16,480
That is coming from him!
315
00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:18,399
- Well, you have fun hanging out
316
00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:20,359
when you don't even
know about the spot on his head
317
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:22,528
that could kill him.
- You mean the fontanelle?
318
00:14:22,529 --> 00:14:24,655
- "Ooh. I'm Dan.
319
00:14:24,656 --> 00:14:26,323
I know all about parts
of the head
320
00:14:26,324 --> 00:14:28,785
because I dated
pediatric nurses in the '80s."
321
00:14:31,246 --> 00:14:33,415
- Kimberly was my favorite.
322
00:14:34,424 --> 00:14:37,918
- Can I get you a coffee
to stay awake?
323
00:14:37,919 --> 00:14:39,670
Because nothing exciting
is coming.
324
00:14:39,671 --> 00:14:41,005
I made sure of that.
325
00:14:41,006 --> 00:14:42,631
- Well, first of all,
326
00:14:42,632 --> 00:14:45,759
I don't sleep on account
of horse cocaine.
327
00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:48,137
Second, I think things
could be freaking up.
328
00:14:48,138 --> 00:14:49,680
A baby just walked in
329
00:14:49,681 --> 00:14:51,671
with a golden bachelor
strapped to him.
330
00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:56,395
- What the hell is going on?
331
00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:57,938
Why is Dan doing court
with Heather's baby?
332
00:14:57,939 --> 00:15:00,399
- Because Heather's
baby prefers Dan to me.
333
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:02,401
But that's fine, I don't care.
334
00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:05,352
I hope they smell each other's
heads until they choke on it.
335
00:15:06,448 --> 00:15:10,451
- Shh. The baby's happier
when he thinks you aren't here.
336
00:15:10,452 --> 00:15:12,995
- Cut it out.
This is all too interesting.
337
00:15:12,996 --> 00:15:16,082
- Don't worry, Gurgs,
I understood the assignment.
338
00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:23,297
- Why?
339
00:15:23,298 --> 00:15:25,507
- You told me
to look like a lawyer.
340
00:15:25,508 --> 00:15:28,761
She's called "lawyer."
341
00:15:28,762 --> 00:15:32,181
- I think we found your look.
342
00:15:32,182 --> 00:15:33,807
- Please tell me
this next case won't make
343
00:15:33,808 --> 00:15:36,518
us look like a circus.
- Sure.
344
00:15:36,519 --> 00:15:39,438
Just know,
if I ever were to betray you,
345
00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:41,358
it would be for a good reason.
346
00:15:42,984 --> 00:15:45,027
The people versus Bill Johnson.
347
00:15:45,028 --> 00:15:47,696
- This is a run-of-the-mill
parking violation.
348
00:15:47,697 --> 00:15:49,573
- Well, Your Honor, actually,
349
00:15:49,574 --> 00:15:51,533
the van that Mr. Johnson owns
is his place of business.
350
00:15:51,534 --> 00:15:53,369
- [ DiGiorno fussing ]
- Oh, yes, it is.
351
00:15:53,370 --> 00:15:56,205
It's a place of work.
352
00:15:56,206 --> 00:15:59,124
- Could the Counselor please use
his big boy voice in court?
353
00:15:59,125 --> 00:16:02,086
I'm sure it would be much
appreciated by the prosecutor.
354
00:16:02,087 --> 00:16:04,630
- What wig?
355
00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:06,757
- Judge, Mr. Johnson brought
witnesses.
356
00:16:06,758 --> 00:16:10,928
- Your Honor, Mr. Pecks
is an employee of Mr. Johnson.
357
00:16:10,929 --> 00:16:13,764
- You won't believe your eyes
when you see
358
00:16:13,765 --> 00:16:17,102
how much he can lift
with his nipples!
359
00:16:19,229 --> 00:16:22,107
- Wyatt, why is there
nipple talk?
360
00:16:24,651 --> 00:16:26,819
This guy runs an actual circus?
361
00:16:26,820 --> 00:16:28,570
- I'm sorry, Gurgs.
362
00:16:28,571 --> 00:16:30,447
Dr. Nitelife said he
would take me to cool places.
363
00:16:30,448 --> 00:16:33,618
A man can only build
so many bears.
364
00:16:34,786 --> 00:16:37,287
- Judge, I would like
to request a recess
365
00:16:37,288 --> 00:16:41,792
due to an unforgivable betrayal
by a spineless weasel.
366
00:16:41,793 --> 00:16:44,628
- Your honor, I seem
to have a situation, as well.
367
00:16:44,629 --> 00:16:46,797
A diaper situation.
368
00:16:46,798 --> 00:16:49,299
And I know
that your friend buys generic,
369
00:16:49,300 --> 00:16:51,761
so time is of the essence.
370
00:16:52,061 --> 00:16:55,723
- I really wish we could take
a break,
371
00:16:55,724 --> 00:16:57,599
but we need to get through
these witnesses.
372
00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:59,893
So send in the clowns.
373
00:16:59,894 --> 00:17:02,271
[ Circus music playing,
laughter ]
374
00:17:02,272 --> 00:17:05,734
[ Horns honking ]
375
00:17:09,696 --> 00:17:11,447
- Y'all get out of here
right now.
376
00:17:11,448 --> 00:17:12,948
I can tell by your space work
377
00:17:12,949 --> 00:17:15,200
none of you
are classically trained.
378
00:17:15,201 --> 00:17:20,372
- We got nips, we got flips,
we got exploding diapers!
379
00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:22,374
And who's right in the middle?
380
00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:26,211
The fail-iff!
Rock bottom alert.
381
00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:29,548
If you like this content, please
remember to like and follow.
382
00:17:29,549 --> 00:17:31,216
- You really have to take
this baby.
383
00:17:31,217 --> 00:17:33,844
The odor actually
has a heat.
384
00:17:33,845 --> 00:17:35,763
- Yeah, well, maybe the smell
wouldn't be that bad
385
00:17:35,764 --> 00:17:37,890
if you weren't constantly
kissing that baby's ass.
386
00:17:37,891 --> 00:17:39,516
- You know what?
Why do you have to be
387
00:17:39,517 --> 00:17:41,018
more of a baby than the baby?
388
00:17:41,019 --> 00:17:42,227
- I have nothing in common
with that baby.
389
00:17:42,228 --> 00:17:43,645
That baby sucks!
390
00:17:43,646 --> 00:17:46,023
- [ Gasps ] You think
my baby sucks?
391
00:17:46,024 --> 00:17:49,152
You know what, Abby? You suck!
- No, don't!
392
00:17:55,241 --> 00:17:59,162
- Get your antibiotics,
'cause this is going viral!
393
00:18:01,164 --> 00:18:03,750
- Now your mommy has
two messes to clean up.
394
00:18:11,007 --> 00:18:14,344
- Heather, you're back.
How was the "clerb"?
395
00:18:14,345 --> 00:18:17,262
I'm sorry I said
that about the baby.
396
00:18:17,263 --> 00:18:18,680
Please don't be angry.
397
00:18:18,681 --> 00:18:20,599
- Why would you say
DiGiorno sucks?
398
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:22,518
- Because there's something
wrong with me.
399
00:18:22,519 --> 00:18:24,478
I tried everything and
I couldn't get him to like me.
400
00:18:24,479 --> 00:18:26,021
When I'm with a baby,
401
00:18:26,022 --> 00:18:27,397
I don't know what
the hell to do.
402
00:18:27,398 --> 00:18:29,107
- No one does.
403
00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:31,360
Why do you think I was
so desperate for a break?
404
00:18:31,361 --> 00:18:32,986
I didn't even do anything fun.
405
00:18:32,987 --> 00:18:36,698
I just went to the park
and ate a hot dog.
406
00:18:36,699 --> 00:18:38,325
Then I got two more.
407
00:18:38,326 --> 00:18:41,245
Okay, I had four!
408
00:18:41,246 --> 00:18:43,997
I'm the worst mom in the world.
- Are you kidding?
409
00:18:43,998 --> 00:18:46,291
From what I've seen,
you're a...
410
00:18:46,292 --> 00:18:49,211
surprisingly okay-ish mom.
411
00:18:49,212 --> 00:18:52,297
- You're just trying to be nice.
412
00:18:52,298 --> 00:18:54,341
Would a surprisingly
okay-ish mom
413
00:18:54,342 --> 00:18:56,928
have four more hot dogs
in her purse?
414
00:18:58,596 --> 00:19:00,347
- If one of them is for me,
415
00:19:00,348 --> 00:19:02,808
I'd upgrade you to
downright not bad.
416
00:19:02,809 --> 00:19:04,852
You must be doing
something right.
417
00:19:04,853 --> 00:19:08,438
You're raising a baby
that Dan Fielding likes.
418
00:19:08,439 --> 00:19:10,566
Are you cutting my hot dog?
419
00:19:10,567 --> 00:19:12,651
- I don't want you to choke.
I can lift you,
420
00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:15,405
but I can't flip you over
and slap you on the back.
421
00:19:17,657 --> 00:19:20,284
Holy crap. I am a great mom.
422
00:19:20,285 --> 00:19:22,786
I should teach a class.
423
00:19:22,787 --> 00:19:24,997
- Yeah. People would learn a lot.
424
00:19:24,998 --> 00:19:26,999
Like a field trip to a prison.
425
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:29,084
- Just came to say good-bye.
426
00:19:29,085 --> 00:19:30,627
- Aww.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
427
00:19:30,628 --> 00:19:32,297
- Okay.
428
00:19:34,424 --> 00:19:36,008
- Ciao, DiGiorno.
429
00:19:36,009 --> 00:19:38,051
And, listen, if you tell
anybody that we did this,
430
00:19:38,052 --> 00:19:40,387
I will just simply deny it.
431
00:19:40,388 --> 00:19:42,389
Boop.
432
00:19:42,390 --> 00:19:44,266
- All right, Deej,
433
00:19:44,267 --> 00:19:46,310
don't let the door hit you
in the diap on the way out.
434
00:19:46,311 --> 00:19:48,103
[ Raspberries ]
- [ Laughs ]
435
00:19:48,104 --> 00:19:50,397
- Ah! [ Raspberries ]
- [ Laughing ]
436
00:19:50,398 --> 00:19:52,983
- I did it! I won!
He likes me.
437
00:19:52,984 --> 00:19:55,486
- Oh. Good job. Boop!
438
00:19:57,655 --> 00:20:00,616
{\an8}?
439
00:20:00,617 --> 00:20:02,660
- Shoo, shoo.
440
00:20:07,999 --> 00:20:11,627
These clowns are worse
than the rats.
441
00:20:11,628 --> 00:20:13,880
I have to go get
some more traps.
442
00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:17,841
I'm sure #fail-iff is trending
by now.
443
00:20:17,842 --> 00:20:20,052
I don't want to be
a Halloween costume again.
444
00:20:20,053 --> 00:20:21,845
- I do.
445
00:20:21,846 --> 00:20:23,722
I heard him call me
a "pros-e-cutie."
446
00:20:23,723 --> 00:20:25,182
[ Chuckles ]
447
00:20:25,183 --> 00:20:27,602
Makes me blush
when I think about it.
448
00:20:29,062 --> 00:20:30,854
- Well, Dr. Nitelife
blew me off.
449
00:20:30,855 --> 00:20:34,232
He double-tapped me
and said, "Unsubscribe."
450
00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:37,653
- Congrats on blowing up
my TikTok again, Gregs.
451
00:20:37,654 --> 00:20:41,823
Check out the video.
Get ready to binge cringe.
452
00:20:41,824 --> 00:20:44,284
- I can't watch, but I can't not.
453
00:20:44,285 --> 00:20:47,412
[ Cacophony on video ]
454
00:20:47,413 --> 00:20:50,916
Wait, this is nothing
like the last time.
455
00:20:50,917 --> 00:20:54,087
That was me looking
crazy all by myself.
456
00:20:55,546 --> 00:20:58,466
{\an8}This is us looking
crazy all together.
457
00:20:59,550 --> 00:21:02,177
{\an8}It's perfect.
- No, it's not perfect.
458
00:21:02,178 --> 00:21:04,638
{\an8}It's embarrassing to you.
If it doesn't make you feel bad,
459
00:21:04,639 --> 00:21:07,057
{\an8}how am I supposed to feel good?
I'm 35.
460
00:21:07,058 --> 00:21:09,894
{\an8}It's too late for me to learn
how to love myself.
461
00:21:10,979 --> 00:21:13,730
{\an8}- You know what?
Make all the videos you want.
462
00:21:13,731 --> 00:21:15,273
{\an8}We've got nothing to hide.
463
00:21:15,274 --> 00:21:17,610
{\an8}- And neither do I.
464
00:21:19,737 --> 00:21:24,116
{\an8}?
465
00:21:24,117 --> 00:21:25,117
{\an8}- It's funny.
466
00:21:25,118 --> 00:21:28,830
{\an8}?
467
00:21:28,880 --> 00:21:33,430
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
36131
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof