All language subtitles for Harley Quinn s05e06 Bottle My Heart.eng

[Harley] What's on the docket
for today?

So you know that thing
I was referring to?

Oh, the rash. Oh, don't worry.

I used to get those
all the time

when I was with men.

Let's get back to the skull
we've been dreaming about.

Is it weird I'm starting
to have sex dreams about it?

You too? Thank God.

Okay. Anyway, I think
the skull is somehow related

to the strange shit that's been
going on around here.

Really? Like what?
Oh, hold that thought.

Hot dog stand!

But my point is that
the murder of Jason Woodrue

and all the general
weirdness in Metropolis

all started at the same time

people began having
these skull dreams.

Okay, I don't think
the skull dreams

and Woodrue's murder
are related.

He was a giant dick.

That's why
Ivy and I killed him.

[gasps]

Oh, shit!

- Taxi!
- You can't write that.

- Ow!
- That murder confession

was off the record.

You have to say
it's off the record

or else it's on the record.

I'm going to the Daily Planet.

- Hey!
- I take it back! And... And...

- And that's on the record!
- Ugh!

There's no takesies-backsies
in journalism.

You call that shit
you write about Clayface's

stupid one-man shows
"journalism"?

Perry White forced me
to write those.

And for the record,
I won a fucking Pulitzer!

And I won best non-singing
role in a musical

in my Jewish Camp production
of The Sound of Music.

So take that,

Ms. Pulitzer Winning,
This Isn't My Real Neck Lane!

[gasps]

[grunts]

Wow. I did not think
Lois had it in her.

You must have really
pissed her off.

You said something about
that fucking neck, didn't you?

So? So?

She was going on and on
about her stupid Pulitzer

when I'm the one who won...

[both] Best non-singing
role in a musical

for The Sound of Music.

- I know.
- If it was non-singing?

I guess you didn't play Maria.

No, she played the Hill.

The fucking Hill
is not a character!

- No shit.
- Yes, it is!

The Hills are alive,
you assholes!

You can't be alive without
being a character, okay?

- [crying]
- Yeah. What the fuck, Frank?

Of course, the Hills are alive.

I mean, that's what the whole
thing is about. So...

I'm willing to bet
you never saw it, did you?

Shut up, Frank.

I'm not the one
who made Harley cry.

You made Harley cry.

You the fuck
made the waterworks

come out of face.
I didn't do that!

I am not crying
because of you, okay?

It's just that
being in that play,

was my happy place
to get away from my parents,

who were literally trying
to murder each other.

And, oh, my God, what am I
even doing with my life?

[crying]

You see that right there? Huh?

That's crazy talk
she just talked.

That's how you talk
sometimes, Ivy.

Frank, uh... Stop it. Okay?

Baby, don't cry. Come here.
Peanut? Listen.

You are a famous,
successful, gorgeous

supervillain/superhero, right?

Yeah, but Lois won a Pulitzer,

you're the head of
the Green Initiative,

whatever the hell that is.

And Frank owns some motel.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Motel?

You mean a resort so fancy,

our massages don't even
have happy endings.

They just end.
That's the definition of class.

[kisses] Oui, oui!

And then there's me.

What do I do?

I just sit at home all day
and talk shit about people.

[gasps] Oh, my God!

I'm a housewife!

No- Hey, you're
not a good one.

Okay? The dishes are filthy...

No cookies baking in that oven.

And the last time
you did laundry, this happened.

Even the Daily Planet agrees.

Says here
you're really a murderer!

What?

[dramatic music plays]

Forty-eight!

So you're not 48?

Do I look like a fossil to you?

Also, I never
technically confessed

to killing Jason Woodrue.

Lois really screwed the pooch
on that one.

Well, I doubt
it was Lois's fault.

Perhaps you've heard
she has a Pool-itzer?

[laughs]

Oh, knock off
the shit, Clayface.

Clayface?

[whimpers] What?

You mean the genius
who performs

one-man shows by himself?

- [laughs]
- I know it's you, dumbass.

You want me to tell your secret
to the whole bullpen,

or you wanna stop
fucking around?

How did you know?

I thought my Perry White
character was impenetrable.

Oh, it's very penetrable.

The dumb voice, the snotty way
you pronounce "Pool-itzer",

the general douchey-ness.

I'm with you on Pool-itzer,

but I do think the douchey part
was uncalled for.

Shut up, Bane.
No one asked you.

I've literally only said
one thing.

I'm just sitting here quietly,
eating pistachio.

Then shove some more under
that ridiculous luchador mask

while I ask Harley...

What would you have me do?

Make Lois print a retraction.

Ms. Lane! Come on.

Oh, what now? Yeah, Perry?

You have slandered Ms. Quinn.

You called her a murderer.

And 48!

An elderly murderer,

on the front page of a paper
dedicated to celebrating

the brilliance
of this Clayface fella,

who's definitely not me.
[laughs]

Print a retraction immediately!

Hell, no! I won a-

[all] A fucking Pulitzer!
We know!

See? No one cares, Lois.

You don't wanna
believe me? Fine.

But that murder is part of
something bigger

going on in Metropolis, Perry.

Something catastrophic.

And I will find out what.

I don't know, Harley,

I mean, if something
catastrophic is going on...

What's that, Clay?

I was just about
to tell Ms. Lane

to stop falsely
accusing Harley,

because nothing catastrophic

is about to happen
in Metropolis.

That's it. I, Lois Joanne Lane,

quit the Daily Planet.

Oh! That's Lady Gaga's
middle name.

Look how adorable Harley is.

Disagree. Their murder
and mayhem

has plummeted
my perfection meter.

If it keeps falling,

I will never be able
to bottle the city.

- [Koko mumbles]
- What is that, Koko?

[Koko mumbles]

Koko thinks this would
not have happened

if you did not stop me
from killing them earlier.

Because Harley and Ivy
are the only ones

who are any fun
in this stupid city.

Huh? Ah!

Koko says you are lying.

There is more to it.

- Oh, fuck Koko.
- [gasps]

Just bottle the goddamn
city already,

so I can start ruling it,
like you promised.

I will, when it is perfect.

Oh, like you?

What do you know about perfect?

You're the one
talking to a dead monkey.

- Koko is not dead!
- Oh, no?

- Then what are these? [grunts]
- Stop that!

Stop what? Throwing your
dead monkey at you.

If he's so alive,
what are these bones from?

Stop that!
You are upsetting him!

And you are crazy.

Crazy?

I am not crazy.

I am infallible!

Then why did you need me?

I'll tell you why.

Because you don't
understand humans.

Your fucking perfection meter
was in the shitter

when you came
begging for my help.

Get off my ship!

You are no longer needed.

Wait, what? No, we had a deal.

You promised me
I could rule Metropolis.

And now I un-promise you.

You're a fake and a liar!

You're just a stupid,
lying robot!

And you are just
an ordinary human

who will reside,
frozen in a bottle.

Just like all the others.

How dare you?
We had a deal, you...

Goodbye, Lena Luthor.

It's all right, Koko.

The nasty lady has gone.

...slimy little shit!

Oh, didn't hear you come in.

Did you get me
that hemorrhoid cream?

The one with aloe, because
it's "better on the burn"?

[screams]

But I was planning pickleball
with Betty and Goldi.

Oh! Hi, Lena.

Love your statement necklace.

Yeah. We were just talking
about this catastrophic thing

that might happen
to Metropolis.

Oh, it's happening.

Unless we do something
to stop it.

You know what's going on
with the skulls and stuff?

Mmm-hmm. Everything.

Then tell us everything.

Okay. It all started when...

...and Brainiac needed a human
to help him understand

how humans function,
and he asked me.

Now, at the time, of course,

I did not know he was
a straight-up villain.

So, yeah,
he's a perfection freak

with a fetish for
bottling cities.

Fingers super crossed,
it is not butt stuff.

...and lastly, you type
in the hyper-ray code,

1111, spin the dial,
hit the button,

shrinky-shrinky, and the ship
bottles Metropolis. Done.

Well, if that
wasn't everything,

then we need to change
the definition of everything.

It's been four hours,

and I didn't even get up once
to use the little boy's room.

And that's
with my trick bladder.

I have a question.
Are you fucking this robot?

Please.

Hmm? So just hand stuff?

Harley!

I would like to ask
a legitimate question.

Why tell us?

We are but lowly scribes,

ink-stained wretches
crying into the eternal dark.

What could we possibly
do to help you

that a superhero could not?

The power of the press
is the power of the people,

and that is a force
no superhero can equal.

My, God. She's weaponized
the power of rhyme.

I am trusting you three
with my life.

Promise me you'll use
what I've told you

to protect Metropolis
and destroy brainiac.

I assure you, my dear,
we shall.

Thank you. That's all I ask.

Through theater! [laughs]

A play? I mean, I'm sorry.
I just trying to figure out

how a play is going
to stop a supervillain.

Theater can change lives, Ivy.

I mean Wicked, Les Mis,
Sound of Music!

Mamma Mia! Remember
all those Greek mothers

that like to get their fuck on?

Whoo! Mamma mia!

- Frank!
- Come on, Ivy.

Get in the spirit.

Theater is
Harley's happy place.

Which is why
I'm gonna star in...

Brainiac-comma-The-Tragedy-Of.

Oof. That's the title?

I know,
but I will transcend it.

All my Sound Of Music training

has really primed me
for this moment.

Here's a question
for you, Fraulein.

If this Brainiac
is gonna bottle the city,

why the fuck aren't we
getting out of the city?

We will right after the play.

Just like the Von Trapps did
with the Nazis.

They sang for them
and then ran to Switzerland,

which is what
we're gonna do, except,

you know, not Switzerland.

We're leaving
right after we inspire

the people of Metropolis
to rise up against Brainiac.

When you say "we"

you want me to be
in the play with you or...

Oh, no, no, no, no.
I've seen you act.

[gags]

Oh, come on, Frank. Really?

I love you, Ivy.
I'm just keeping it real.

Anyway, Clayface is Brainiac,

there's some drunk
playing Koko,

and I am gonna play Lena.

And Clayface
gave you this part?

Technically, no.
But he will after he sees

that I am the best. [chuckles]

[gasps] My best non-singing
role in a musical award!

That's irreplaceable!

[mumbling]

And remember, when in doubt,

load it up with
exposition and backstory.

That stuff is boring
and no one gives a shit!

There needs to be
conflict and drive.

If you add too much conflict,

the only driving
the audience will do

is out of the theater.

Who cares? No one's gonna see

your stupid play anyway.

[gasps]

It will get the spritzing

until it behaves,
Mr. Perry White.

Oh, and Bane, I had a little
thought in the shower.

Instead of a dreary old play,

let's make it musical!

- [laughs]
- I hate musicals!

Everyone will wonder,
"Why are they singing,"

and not just talking
like regular people?"

? I think real people
Talk like this ?

? Look at me ?

? A singing, talking
joll-la-la-la-la-ly! ?

- [vocalizing]
- That is not a real song.

And you are not a real person.

You are just a giant
clay monster!

God! Will you two
shut the fuck up already?

It stops talking
or it gets the spritz.

- [groans]
- Spritz. Spritz.

Good Lord! I can't waste
any more time writing.

I leave that to you
ink-stained pit dwellers.

If you meant that to hurt,

you succeeded.

And now I'm off to audition
leading ladies.

I hear Ms. Idina Menzel

is literally frothing
at the mouth

for a chance to be my Lena.

And that woman is 80% mouse.

[laughs]

Hey, Bane. I got nothing to do,

so if you want help
with the script...

Mmm... You are no writer,
Perry White.

That's why you didn't know
the scene was over

when Clayface left the room.

? I'm Lena... ?

Thank you. Goodbye. Next!

? I'm Lena... ?

Thank you. Now get out!

[gulps]

What are you all staring at?
She said go!

- This is bullshit!
- Wait! Where are you going?

No casting decisions
have been made.

Yes, they have.
Me, I am your Lena.

Now, where is my dressing room?

Harley, you may be good
at bashing heads

and dropping F bombs,

but singing is not your forte.

Don't you talk about
Harley's forte.

She's been working hard
to drop a couple of pounds

off that forte.

[grunting]

Imagine if that seat
was your Clayface.

Harley. Harley.
Violence is not the answer.

Then how about blackmail?

I'll just call the newsroom
and tell them

that Perry White is actually-

You're hired!

Welcome, Ms. Quinzel
to the cast of...

Brainiac-comma-The-Tragedy-Of
hyphen-The-Musical.

I have some thoughts
on the script.

- [sneezes]
- [gasps]

[Brainiac yawns]

What?

Oof, if this bombs,
I will 'splode this place.

- Bane!
- Oh, Jesus!

This line where Lena
says to Brainiac,

"We had a deal. You promised me
I could protect Metropolis."

Yeah, what about it?

Lena doesn't need Brainiac's
"okay" to do something, okay?

She drives the story.

She doesn't whine to Brainiac
like a fucking baby!

But she literally
said exactly that

when she was telling us about-

I don't care what she said,

I care what I am saying.

And what I am saying
is that this is garbage

and I won't say it!

Yeah, but the integrity
of our-

Integrity?
This is theater, Bane!

No one cares about integrity!

It's all about hot people
with great voices,

who drive the fucking story!

Fix it!

[melancholy music plays]

- Well, congratulations.
- [music stops]

I see you've managed
to piss off our leading lady.

She wanted to rewrite
a critical plot line.

Said the soon-to-be
unemployed writer.

Get on it. Now!

Where is Andy Serkis
who's playing Koko?

You talking
about the actor dude?

Haven't seen him.
I hope nobody ate him.

[groans]

Shit! Okay, real talk?
I skipped lunch.

Damn you, Frank the Plant!

You want real talk

like some sassy tween
from the 1960s?

Well, I have so some
swell news for you, Daddio.

Tonight, you will be playing
the part of Koko.

Koko? He's a goddamn monkey.

He's not a monkey.

He's a space alien

and the confidante of Brainiac.

Yeah, well, I'm confidante
that I'm not doing it.

Oh, you'll do it
and you will like it!

This is my Maria moment.

And you are not gonna
stop me from singing.

You're not going to sing
even if you do get to sing

because you cannot sing!

Oh, so what? Neither can Lena.

Jesus, this thing
is a clown show.

I told them my story

so they could do something
about it.

Oh, they did. It's this.

As soon as Harley resolves
her childhood issues on stage,

she, Frank and I are gonna
get the hell out of dodge.

- There you are.
- [both gasp]

Do not sneak up
on us like that.

Wait, you're playing me, right?

I would never wear that blazer.

Clayface doesn't look
anything like Brainiac,

but, you know, acting.

Aren't you supposed
to be backstage right now?

I sure am. Right after I tell
the love of my life

that I love her
more than life itself.

Aw, I love you too, Peanut.

Break a leg tonight, okay?

Oh, I will.
And it'll be Bane's.

[giggles] Mwah!

- There you are, Harley!
- [all gasp]

Get on your mark this instant,
for it is now,

showtime!

[applause]

? I am Brainiac ?

? Some call me Maniac ?

? Gotta high IQ ?

? Which should worry you ?

? 'Cause I might attack! ?

? Came back
And my fa-ma-mily was gone ?

? All destroyed
My wife and my spawn ?

? With my intellect ?

? Cities I perfect ?

? I do it alone ?

? But I'm not on my own
'Cause I got... ?

? Koko ?

? I am Koko ?

? The other was a no-show ?

? So I am Koko ?

? I might be God ?

? Might be the devil ?

? Koko is great ?

? But need someone
On my level, like... ?

? Lena ?

? Sister of Lex ?

? With me forever ?

- ? Like herpes Simplex ?
- ? Beautiful Lena ?

? You are my Queen-a ?

? I am Koko ?

Ugh! This is literally
the worst song I've ever heard.

I don't know.
I think it's kind of catchy.

? Beautiful Lena ?

? I am Koko ?

? I am Brainiac ?

? Some call me maniac ?

? Watch out I might attack! ?

Holy shit! [chuckles]

They really love it.

Well, they shouldn't.

They should be scared shitless.

? Type in the code ?

? 1111, now spin that dial ?

? You're close to heaven! ?

[all gasp]

Hate to be the bearer
of bad news,

but I'm dying.

Right... [groaning]

[melancholy music plays]

...now!

[all gasp]

This stubborn motherfucker

won't even accept
that I'm dead.

Wonder how long
that will go on for.

Huh? [gasps]

? My bestie
Lives only in my head ?

? For centuries
He has been dead ?

? The truth decoded ?

? Reality 'sploded ?

? Along with my heart! ?

Hmm. Huh? I see you

flirting with Frank,
you dirty little poinsettia.

Good thing I bought my cum rag.

? ...heart! ?

? How long
Have you been dead? ?

? Fig-ment in my head ?

? You once were Koko ?

? Made me loco ?

? 'Sploded my heart! ?

[Frank panting]

[all gasp]

Lord! Frank. Have you no shame?

Hey, man, sometimes you
just gotta get the poison out.

Animal!

I mean, I gotta tell you,

Brainiac is way
more sympathetic

than you make them out to be.

That's not Brainiac.

That's Clayface,
making the villain

more likable
for theatrical purposes.

Trust me, the real Brainiac
is a monster.

Do you believe this, Koko?

Even they think
you are actually dead.

[whimpering]

Koko!

[sobs] Where did you go?

[sobbing]

Koko.

Koko, my precious...

Koko!

Oh, no. Oh, Koko
is like his only friend.

Would you stop liking Brainiac?

[man shushes]

He's a psychopath and a liar

who promises you the world
and then zaps you off his ship

to discuss hemorrhoid cream
with Bruce.

[man shushing]

No, I'm just... I'm saying,

that he loved Koko
for centuries,

and discovering
he's really dead

is enough to just drive him...

Crazy...

Am I crazy?

? Yes, I'm crazy! ?

? I've truly gone mad! ?

? It's time I hit the bottle ?

? Start my plan
And go full throttle ?

? My brain's a bust! ?

? So now I must... ?

? Bottle Metropolis! ?

? No one can stop-o-lus! ?

? Bottle Metropolis ?

? Metropolis! ?

? Metrop-o-lus! ?

[Harley] Oh, thank you.

Oh, my goodness.
Thank you so much!

You're killing it, Harley!

You too, Frank.

I love you!

Nobody is killing Brainiac,

and this stupid play
is not helping.

Ugh! I need some air.

Who cares about
Metropolis anymore?

With Koko dead and Lena gone,

and me,

let's face it, insane,

I only have you talk to.

I do not know if you know
what it is like

to lose what you love the most.

How it makes you feel.

How nothing
even matters anymore.

I am sure none of them
know what this pain is like.

[Harley screams]

Frank!

Frank, say something!

Help me!
Someone help, he's dying!

[all gasp]

What's going on?
This isn't a part of my story.

I... I don't know. I...

No.

No.

No!

No, no, no, no, no!

Ive! Ive, do something.

He's dying!

I'm trying.
I'm trying, god damn it!

Hey, Frank, look at me.
Look at me, look at me.

You stay with me, okay?

Don't fucking die on me!

[breathing heavily]

I love you...

Mom. [exhales]

Please don't die on me.
Look at me, Frank.

Frank. No.

No, Frank, no!

[sobbing] No.

No!

[sobbing]

No, Frank.

She knows what it is like now.

[theme music playing]

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