All language subtitles for Harley Quinn s05e05 Big Pasta Dinner.eng

Frank, quit squirming.
You're like, acting like a kid.

Hey, don't take too much off.
I'm like fucking Samson.

All my strength
comes from my luscious locks.

Okay. If you keep moving

I'm going to cut off
more than your hair.

Hold still, God damn it!

- Oh! Pardon my reach!
- Uh, hon-

Better to clean as you go
than wait for a big mess.

Who are you, and what have you
done with my pigpen girlfriend?

That was the Gotham me.

This is the Metropolis me,

the me that loves to get up
super early to clean.

Meaning you woke up
from another nightmare

- about another skull, huh?
- [shudders]

Ugh, I keep seeing that big-ass
skull watching over me,

till suddenly it rockets down,
I run for my life and bam!

I wake up covered in piss.

And now I'm rethinking
my lovely snorkeling dream.

But nightmare piss
ain't bringing me down.

Used my morning to set up our
fancy new massage shower head.

Holy shit, I thought
the energy laws banned these.

Which is why I ordered it
off the dark web.

I mean, what's next on
the Metropolis Harley's agenda?

Did the early morning clean,

so now I gotta clean
the cleaning supplies

for the afternoon clean

plus a few hours
with that there shower head.

She means
she's gonna masturbate.

- I got that, Frank.
- [doorbell rings]

- Shaun?
- I hate my dad!

So I ran away to be with
my cool, queer aunts.

Oh! You hear that?
He called us "cool"!

- He thinks everything's cool
- So cool! [laughs]

I'll text King Shark.

I was playing with our cat,
Ms. Mittens

and she disappeared,
but my sister Annie told Dad

I ate Mittens.

But I'd never eat
anything I wasn't supposed to.

[screams] He's gonna
fucking eat me!

- Shaun, no! Off! Off! Down.
- Okay.

King says, "Stuck dealing with
the Octopus Empire uprising,

be there as soon as
I crush their sultan."

No, no, no. We already have
one child to take care of.

Who are you calling a child?

May be 10 in human years,
but in plant years, I'm, uh, wait.

Plant years move faster,
one, two, three...

Fuck! I'm 90!

Okay, Shaun,
you need to go home.

- I can watch him.
- I'm sorry,

you want to babysit again?
I mean,

just 'cause of what happened
last time.

Come on, Ives,
that was different!

How much trouble
can one little shark cause?

Right, Shaun? Shaun!

[coughing]

I didn't do it.

[theme music playing]

[line ringing]

- [on WaynePad] Go for Bruce...
- Bruce, our shower's broken.

And... so is your face?

Damn it. I can't figure out
these stupid new filters.

Lena loves them,
especially during phone sex-

Oh, my God! Stop! Gross! Ew!

Back to fixing our shower, please.

Broken shower is
building manager talk,

not building owner.

Here's a tuna sandwich,
sweetie!

What's the difference?

You want to talk to Alfred.

Alfred's the building manager?
Isn't he in jail?

Lucky for you I got him out
on parole for my party tonight.

- What party?
- The one you didn't RSVP to.

The "Big Pasta Dinner."
A little shindig,

meet-and-greet
for all our building.

Oh yeah! The invite.
Must have got lost in the mail.

I hand delivered it.

Well, my drone
hand delivered it,

but I controlled it
from my bedroom.

Come mingle, eat some
garlic fettuccine

And you can talk to Alfred
about your broken shower.

Fine. But if this becomes
an orgy we're probably leaving.

- Hey, where's my sandwich?
- What's an org-ee?

Oh shit!
You're allergic to peanuts!

I love my new necklace!

It's not a necklace,
it is a leash to make sure

you don't eat anything
you're not supposed to.

No shower heads, sinks,
toilets-

Elderly plants living out
their last of days.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

[elevator dings]

Uh, where is everyone?

This is everyone.
The other condos are owned

by Saudi businessmen
who don't actually live here.

Lois, you have a condo here?

Bruce, uh, gifted it
to Superman for his birthday.

I only let people I trust
live here.

- [elevator dings]
- Hola, mi amigos!

[all] Joker!

Okay. The orgy
is definitely off.

[laughs] Chill, my dude.

Mi amor got the place
for our Sophia here.

Landed an internship
in the city.

Sophia, tell
the uppity man where.

Wayne Industries.

Ah, you must be in our
"Waynetech for Teens" program.

My father always said,

"No ship can take you further
than an internship."

I can see why someone
murdered him.

[cell phone vibrates]

Lena! Are you wearing
that dress I bought for you tonight?

Oh, okay.

[sighs] Lena will no longer
be joining.

- It'll just be the 10 of us.
- Nine of us.

- Raven isn't coming.
- What happened?

Like you care. [scoffs]

Teenagers. So brooding.

Ahem. Dinner is served.

- It's good sauce.
- Old Wayne recipe.

The secret's tomatoes.

Alfred! More cheese.

- A fresh wheel. Hand grated.
- [sighs]

Who is that?

My first ward, Dick Grayson.

We stayed here
when he was young.

Sadly, he was murdered.

So much I never said to him.

And now, I never will.

[groaning]

Hmm.

I failed you,
my beautiful Dick.

Uh-huh.

Who's the other guy?

Jason Todd, my second ward.

- Also murdered.
- Ooh, that's...

Hate to be one of his wards.

Damian, so funny
seeing you here.

It's my once a fiscal quarter
visit with my dad.

I hate dads.

Grounding you for eating
yummy cats you didn't even eat.

You try getting forced to go
to dinner parties

thrown by a man who once
held you captive

only to be pawned off
to some children!

Try being abandoned like that!

My father moved to another city
without even telling me.

Game recognizes game.

So, Lois, how's Superman's
sabbatical going?

Ha! That's so funny.

Everyone always asks about
Superman, never about me.

- Hmm.
- Um...

- Then, how's The Daily Planet!
- Terrible!

I won journalism's
highest honor

and now Perry has me covering
middle school theater.

So there's no time
to look into real stories.

I smoke cigars now.

Hold on. Alfred I am putting
in a request for a new shower.

- More.
- Perchance, did it involve the siren call

of a massage shower head?

- Yeah, how did you know?
- Still more.

Butler intuition.

Alas, installing an illegal
shower head

voids building policy.

- It's your responsibility now.
- Don't be afraid.

Come on, be a pal.

Can't you make an exception
just this once?

That's too much.
Fetch a new plate

- and start over.
- [Alfred groans]

You expect me to eat the bill?

Should've used
your copious free time

to read the building rulebook.

[scoffs] You fancy-ass asshole!

Either you do the repair
or I swear to God

I'll fucking kill you, Alfred!

- [all gasp]
- [objects clattering]

[all gasping]

[tense music playing]

What? What?
Do I have sauce on my face?

Oh! This knife.
Well, this does not look good.

We heard a scream and...
Alfred?

He's dead.

Mmm. RIP to
the only motherfucker 20 years within my age.

Cool! Dessert! [groans]

- Leave it.
- And someone murdered him.

Wha... I didn't murder Alfred!

Well, why would any of us
murder him?

I mean,
the pasta wasn't al dente,

- but I'm not about to kill
over it. - [alarm blaring]

No one leaves
till we solve this.

Uh, maybe the butler did it!

Oh shit! She cracked the case!

Honey, the butler's dead.

Oh, shit! She's fucked!

Hey, she did not do it.

It doesn't take, let's say,

the world's greatest detective

to see she's holding
the murder weapon.

I swear, someone put this
in my hand!

Enough! Harley Quinn,
you murdered Alfred Butler.

Okay. That can't actually be
his last name, right?

I'm not a big fan of murder,
but in this case...

An eye for an eye, you know?

Oh, shit, shit.
Maybe you should just take a moment to um...

[footsteps recede]

Sucks that the guy
who'd clean this up is dead,

am I right?

Nothing? Okay.

Cool! A big boy bed!

I cannot believe Bruce thinks
I offed Alfred.

Honey, I totally believe you,

but, you know,
it wouldn't be the first time

you've killed someone
without realizing.

With Nightwing,
I was sleepwalking, okay?

I was wide awake for this.

I know who killed Alfred.

- And who gave you that knife.
- What? How?

Sharks have perfect
night vision.

- Who did it?
- I could see their face.

All I could see was a big...

skull!

We're gonna find you, Harley!

- Listen up. Alfred's not dead.
- What?

You checked his pulse.

Exactly. He's alive.

[all clamoring]

He does this
when he's upset.

A "see what life's like
without me" thing.

Bit of a drama queen.
Best to play along.

[laughs] Wow!
I really bought that.

I thought Alfred would
give it up

when I put the knife to Harley,

but her running
puts a wrench into things.

We need to find her before
Alfred knows we're on to him,

and before Harley does
something drastic.

If we split into groups

we can search the three dozen
rooms faster.

Damian, you're with me.

- [cell phone chimes]
- Damian, let's go.

- We're a team.
- Now you wanna be a team?

- Put your phone down and-
- [scoffs]

Raven broke up with you?
What happened?

- Yes!
- I did fine without you

when you went to jail,
and when you went to Metropolis.

You haven't cared
for the last few years

so why break
your track record now?

I'll go with him.

I'll take Team Daddy.

[laughs heartily]

- A skull?
- [gasps]

Oh, shit.
Like the one from your pee-pee nightmares?

All my nightmares are about
how my mom took one of my brothers,

and now we never
see them anymore.

Okay, when this is done,
you should start seeing me as a therapist,

but right now
we gotta figure out how we can catch that skull.

Ugh! I cannot concentrate
in this pigsty!

- Huh?
- [gasps]

- Secret tunnel! Secret tunnel!
- The hell?

Look how my voice echoes!
[echoing]

Shaun? Shut it.

People are
huntin' me down, remember?

Huh. There must be
secret exits

all over the penthouse.

I'm so glad
you adopted me!

We did not adopt you.

My dad's boring.
You're always fun.

- Ugh, not anymore.
- What do you mean by that?

Nothing! Nothing,
you're always off at work.

And I'm always home
in the shower mastur...

...ing my... singing.

Cool!

Fuck! He's got a spa
up in this place?

Just needs a masseuse.
Oh! Hey!

- Hallo!
- [Harley] Come on, let's go.

Ooh! Hot tub!

Daddy loves to soak his bones.

Whoa! And a sauna?

- Sven.
- Hallo.

What are you doing?

Obviously I 'm taking
a shvitz.

- Now?
- You said to check every room.

What if Ivy and Harley
are in the sauna?

- Okay, they're not.
- Good.

Because what I have to tell you
requires total privacy.

[chuckles] Bruce.
I barely know you.

We've only been
in the same room, what?

Three or four times?

But, I see you.

I'm not sure I follow.

[hissing]

Your parents. Your first ward,
your second ward.

Seems like everyone
close to you bites the bullet.

Even your butler pretends to.

But maybe the issue
isn't their murder.

It's that you
never opened up to them

while they were alive.

It's a little bit their murder.

The dead are dead, my dude.

You've got to focus
on the living.

You know, Sophia tells me
Damian feels...

- abandoned.
- I didn't mean to abandon him

it's just,
you threw me in jail.

Uh-oh, my B.

And when I got out
I needed a fresh start.

- I didn't even think.
- Hey,

you ever think about
telling your son you're sorry?

How will that help?

Question is, how will it hurt?

[Frank] Oh, hell yes.

You think they're hiding
in the fridge?

No, I think a fucking snack
is though.

You know how I get
hypoglycemic in old age.

[screams] Oh, shit!

We know who the murderer is.

Aw.

Thank you all
for gathering here today

as I unveil the truth,

of however ugly it may be,
of who murdered Alfred.

Should we tell her
the actual truth?

Let's just see where this goes.

Okay, Bruce was right.

The killer did come
from inside. Literally.

They used a tunnel system
in the walls to get in and out.

[Harley] And where
do those tunnels lead?

The killer's bedroom!

- Damian Wayne!
- [all gasp]

What?
I would never hurt Alfred.

- It could never be-
- [Bruce laughs]

Harley. There is no killer.

Alfred's... [laughs]
faking it.

- There was no murder.
- [alarm blares]

[Harley groans]

- [Red X] There's about to be.
- [whimpers]

And it's going to be
yours, Quinn.

A skull. Like in my nightmares.

Wait. Skull nightmare...

[muffled] Seriously?

I'm killing this fucker!

[yells] Hiya!

Okay. Is this part of
Alfred's game?

This is new, and it's real.

[grunts]

[groaning]

No one touches mija!

[grunting]

Damn!

[gasps]

[yelps]

[groaning]

I want Bruce to watch.

[Harley] The hell
you want with me, skull?

Why are you in my dreams?
Who are you?

- Nightwing?
- [sing-song] I'm back!

I want everyone
to turn on Harley.

Just like she turned on me.

You killed me, Quinn,

and would've gotten
away with it, too,

if it weren't for those
meddling Lazarus Pits.

I was sleep killing.
I would've done it to anyone,

- I swear!
- You took my life from me!

Now I'll take yours.

Dick, don't to this.

- [grunting]
- I'm sorry!

What did you say?

Uh, nothing. I, uh...
[sighs] It's dumb.

Bruce, talk to him!

I wasn't there when
you needed me.

I know I left you.
And that was wrong.

It's all my fault.

I'm sorry, son.

You've never apologized.
You said saying sorry was weak!

I was weak.

Too afraid to engage
with those I love.

I guess it goes back
to when I was eight.

- And my parents-
- Were murdered.

Everyone knows it.
Can we wrap it up, please?

I... I love you.

[voice breaks]
I love you too, Dad.

All these years,
this was all I wanted.

Hmm.

[chimes]

[all coughing]

Wait a minute.
I thought this dude was dead.

We missed a whole thing.

Time to get back
to the dinner party!

All right, Alfred,
this has gone on long enough.

- [all gasp]
- Wait, where is Alfred?

[Alfred] Ahem.

[laughing] Wait a minute.

Your butler is Batman's
C-tier sidekick?

The Macaroni?

What is your scrawny
kid, Robin?

- That's ridiculous.
- Don't even know who Robin is.

I had you resurrected
for a reason, Dick.

You were supposed
to kill them.

Kill? I thought
this was a game.

It's no game, it's my revenge
on all of you.

Of all the villains,
I, The Macaroni,

helped Batman face,

you three are the worst.

We haven't really been
villains in a while.

I mean, we're more like...

- What are we?
- [sighs]

I don't really care for labels.

[sighs deeply]

Everything goes to hell
because of you three.

Joker Tower,
the Parademon Apocalypse,

Jazzapajizza.

For years, I've cleaned up
so many messes

like I'm some kind of...
kind of...

- Butler?
- [sighs]

Which brings me to Bruce.

I gave up my life for you.

I went to prison for you.

And what do you do?

Abandon me.

You don't even know
my last name.

- So it's not Butler?
- It's Pennyworth! Damn it!

Pennyworth! That's right.

Uh, hi. Excuse me.
What exactly did I do?

Oh, I didn't think you'd come,
Miss Lane.

Alas, you're in the pot now.

Alfred...

I'm sorry.

[laughs]

Your pathetic apology
won't work on me.

- Alfred!
- Alfred is dead.

The Macaroni lives.

But for old time's sake,
I'll serve one final dish.

Revenge � la Venom.

[all gasp]

[grunting]

[groans]

[yelps]

Macaroni mad!

Macaroni murder!

[cries out]

[yells]

Leave it to Dick.

[gasps]

[groans]

Okay. I'm out of here.

Good idea, Lois.

Use the tunnel to take the kids
somewhere safe.

Oh! Yes, the kids.

That's, uh, that's what
I was going to do. That...

Dad, I-I can fight with you.

I can't go through the pain
of losing another son.

I got you, Damian.

Oh!

These bones
are tired of runnin'.

Country roads, take me home!

[burps]

Oh, oh, oh! I take that back!

I've got so much to live for!

Ahhh! I've barely pollinated!

[grunting]

He's too strong with the Venom!
How do we get out of his body!

- Sweat!
- Huh?

That's why Bane never used
the Legion of Doom gym.

Oh. I thought it was because
he looked silly when he squatted. [laughs]

- How do we make him sweat?
- [grunts]

[both] The sauna!

[panting]

Argh!

I'm gettin' a gluten cramp.

Give him one hell
of a shvitz for me.

[groans]

[gasps]

- [sniffs]
- [grunts]

[gasps]

What the hell?

These are the exact
shower heads

Alfred fucked us over!

I don't do low-flow.

- Sven, prepare the sauna.
- Yah, Master Bruce.

[steam hissing]

[mystical music playing]

? ...went to town
Riding on a pony ?

? Stuck a feather in his hat
And called it Macaroni ?

[groans]

[groans]

Tiny Bruce.

Hey! Let go of my dad!

[groaning]

Dick fail.

Dick die.

Stop squeezing Dick's head.

[groaning]

Macaroni!

Oh! Harley!

You saved my life.

- Let's call it even, okay?
- Okay.

This isn't working.
He has no weaknesses!

Yes, he does.

We can short-circuit
his thingy.

Wait, I'm sorry. You want to
short-circuit his penis?

No! His ankle bracelet.

Oh. That makes more sense.

[grunting]

We gotta get him
into the shower

- and get his thingy wet.
- Wait, his penis?

Oh, the, uh, the tracker.
Got it. Okay, I'll be his bait.

Hey, fuckin' dickwad.
Look at me.

Fuck you, you big fuckin'
wet piece of lettuce.

- God damn it!
- Macaroni tired of games.

Hold on! [screams]

Ms. Harley, no!

Shaun! You gotta eat
the shower heads, all ten of them.

But you said don't eat it!

Forget everything everyone's
every told you,

just don't stop yourself!

Won't. Stop. Myself.

[Shaun warbling]

Water no good. Water bad!

[screams]

- [chuckles]
- [Bruce groans]

Will Alfred be okay?

I'll put in a word
for his release tomorrow.

After all, someone's gotta
clean up this mess.

[all laugh]

Hey, I was thinking, um...

I'd stay at your place
for Thanksgiving

- next fiscal quarter?
- We'll spend it together.

After all,
family is our fortress.

Can my girlfriend's family
come too?

We hit it off in the tunnels.

[laughs] We'll be having a lot
more shvitzes together, Brucie.

[laughs hysterically]

- Is it bad
that I'm so hungry? - [yelps]

Oh! King Shark just texted me.

Uprising ended early
and he's on his way.

[sighing] Okay.

Thanks for taking care of me
today, Ms. Harley.

- You are cool!
- Aw. Good boy.

Harley, I need to talk to you.

There's something weird
going on in Metropolis

and I think you can help me
solve it.

Come be my assistant
at The Daily Planet.

[chuckles softly] I mean,
Harley has a Ph.D.,

why would she wanna
be your assistant?

- I'm just sayin'.
- I wanna do it.

Wait what?

Ives, I've got all this
pent-up energy in me

and it's gotta pour out
somewhere,

so I threw it into
perfectin' our condo

but I want more,
I need more.

And maybe this is it.

If that's what you want, honey,
I will support you.

Okay? Always.

Where do we start?

By figuring out why we both
have nightmares about a skull.

[gasps]

[theme music playing]

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