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1
00:00:02,944 --> 00:00:02,294
Doris: Oh!
You're leaving again, Larry?
2
00:00:05,295 --> 00:00:07,354
Larry: Doris, I'm a traveling
sex salesman.
3
00:00:07,355 --> 00:00:08,631
It's right there in the name.
4
00:00:08,632 --> 00:00:11,102
Now, stop voicing your opinion.
It's the fifties.
5
00:00:11,117 --> 00:00:13,801
We should be hating Elvis
on a bulbous TV.
6
00:00:14,028 --> 00:00:16,620
Doris: You're right, dear.
I'm sorry.
7
00:00:16,714 --> 00:00:18,473
How's your Salisbury steak?
8
00:00:18,474 --> 00:00:19,958
Larry: Chewy, like all dowdy
9
00:00:19,959 --> 00:00:21,717
housewife meals at this time.
10
00:00:21,886 --> 00:00:23,719
But something's different.
11
00:00:23,872 --> 00:00:26,648
Doris: Maybe that's...
the poison.
12
00:00:26,799 --> 00:00:29,800
[Larry coughing]
Where are my cigarettes?
13
00:00:29,894 --> 00:00:30,944
They'll fix this!
14
00:00:30,970 --> 00:00:32,290
Doris: Of course they will.
15
00:00:32,380 --> 00:00:33,562
They fix everything!
16
00:00:33,715 --> 00:00:35,490
Which is why I threw them away!
17
00:00:35,717 --> 00:00:37,733
So I could watch you die!
18
00:00:37,734 --> 00:00:39,477
I cook your food,
I clean your house,
19
00:00:39,478 --> 00:00:42,330
I lay there completely still
while you have sex with me.
20
00:00:42,499 --> 00:00:46,167
And all I ask is that you
acknowledge what I do for you.
21
00:00:46,318 --> 00:00:50,338
Larry: Damn Elvis' pelvis! Aah!
[Thud]
22
00:00:50,415 --> 00:00:52,340
Doris: Hope you had a nice trip!
23
00:00:52,509 --> 00:00:55,343
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
24
00:00:55,586 --> 00:00:58,905
Great 48 states!
I poisoned the wine, too!
25
00:00:58,923 --> 00:01:00,256
Uhh.
[Glass shatters]
26
00:01:00,350 --> 00:01:02,642
[Theme music plays]
27
00:01:22,372 --> 00:01:25,114
[Explosion]
[Alarm beeping]
28
00:01:25,283 --> 00:01:26,333
Huh!
29
00:01:27,268 --> 00:01:28,434
[Beeping stops]
30
00:01:28,435 --> 00:01:29,953
Flute: My ice cream was
too frozen, so, I
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00:01:29,954 --> 00:01:31,121
tried using the microwave
to heat up
32
00:01:31,122 --> 00:01:32,622
a metal spoon to cut through it.
33
00:01:32,698 --> 00:01:33,908
Don't worry.
I can fix it.
34
00:01:33,909 --> 00:01:35,867
Do you have a screwdriver
I can heat up?
35
00:01:35,868 --> 00:01:37,110
Harmony: Ugh, I should have
married my stalker.
36
00:01:37,111 --> 00:01:38,161
Uhh!
37
00:01:39,280 --> 00:01:42,281
Ugh. God, having you live here
is such a nightmare.
38
00:01:42,282 --> 00:01:44,393
Flute: You think I like living
in your basement for free?
39
00:01:44,394 --> 00:01:46,084
I hardly get any Wi-Fi
down there.
40
00:01:46,085 --> 00:01:47,971
It crapped out halfway through
Naomi Campbell's
41
00:01:47,972 --> 00:01:49,806
Masterclass on
Modeling Fundamentals.
42
00:01:49,807 --> 00:01:51,233
Harmony: Well, you could
move out.
43
00:01:51,234 --> 00:01:53,235
But that won't happen
because you are not,
44
00:01:53,236 --> 00:01:54,718
and never will be, an adult.
45
00:01:54,812 --> 00:01:56,220
Flute: I can leave? Great.
46
00:01:56,221 --> 00:01:58,223
I was only here
to help you with Stain.
47
00:01:58,224 --> 00:02:00,466
Wait. Is that his name?
Is Stain even a name?
48
00:02:00,467 --> 00:02:01,985
I guess anything can
be a name these days.
49
00:02:01,986 --> 00:02:04,036
God, I'm glad I'm not a parent.
50
00:02:05,231 --> 00:02:07,397
Stan: Dad, can you pass out
on my arm
51
00:02:07,566 --> 00:02:09,736
while telling me about
a gruesome murder?
52
00:02:09,737 --> 00:02:12,254
Flute: Sorry. I can't.
Your mom thinks I'm not an adult,
53
00:02:12,255 --> 00:02:14,663
so, I gotta move out
to make her eat farts.
54
00:02:14,664 --> 00:02:16,166
You're the man of the house now.
55
00:02:16,167 --> 00:02:18,151
Stan: Uh, are you sure
that's a good idea?
56
00:02:18,152 --> 00:02:20,429
I'm still only allowed to bathe
in 4 inches of water.
57
00:02:20,430 --> 00:02:23,672
Flute: You'll be fine.
It all comes down to one rule:
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00:02:23,767 --> 00:02:25,749
never admit you made a mistake.
59
00:02:25,769 --> 00:02:27,417
Good-bye, Stain.
60
00:02:27,586 --> 00:02:30,587
[Snaps fingers]
[Disco music playing]
61
00:02:30,681 --> 00:02:32,164
Aah!
[Thud]
62
00:02:32,275 --> 00:02:34,000
I only got half the class!
63
00:02:35,003 --> 00:02:37,612
Mr. Flesh: Way to go,
Stan of the house!
64
00:02:37,839 --> 00:02:39,839
Ooh, it seems
you've messed your pants.
65
00:02:40,008 --> 00:02:42,074
Let me draw you a shallow bath.
66
00:02:42,075 --> 00:02:45,012
Martinez: Summers!
Where's your partner?
67
00:02:45,013 --> 00:02:46,196
It's already 9:30 and he
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00:02:46,197 --> 00:02:48,456
hasn't insulted me yet.
I'm insulted.
69
00:02:48,625 --> 00:02:50,005
Flute: Can you keep it down?
70
00:02:50,018 --> 00:02:51,768
I'm not done with
my dream journal.
71
00:02:51,769 --> 00:02:52,961
"Attacked by a pasta goblin."
72
00:02:52,962 --> 00:02:54,129
What do you think that means?
73
00:02:54,130 --> 00:02:56,023
Martinez: Are you living
under your desk?
74
00:02:56,024 --> 00:02:57,954
Flute: No, I am crashing
under my desk.
75
00:02:58,117 --> 00:03:01,135
Harmony kicked me out for,
get this, not being an adult.
76
00:03:01,362 --> 00:03:03,879
[Sniffs] Hmm.
Kang: Pay up, Martinez.
77
00:03:03,880 --> 00:03:06,124
I told you he'd be homeless
before the year was out.
78
00:03:06,125 --> 00:03:08,175
Flute: Wait.
You bet on my personal life?
79
00:03:08,219 --> 00:03:10,794
Kang: Oh, yeah. Your divorce
paid for my parka.
80
00:03:10,963 --> 00:03:13,073
I parlayed it
with your mental breakdown.
81
00:03:13,074 --> 00:03:14,966
Flute: I expected more
of you, Martinez.
82
00:03:14,967 --> 00:03:16,652
In lieu of an apology,
I will let you
83
00:03:16,653 --> 00:03:18,227
let me stay at your place.
84
00:03:18,379 --> 00:03:20,429
Martinez: I got 5 kids.
Don't need a sixth.
85
00:03:20,490 --> 00:03:22,565
Or the fourth one, really.
86
00:03:22,566 --> 00:03:24,234
Flute: Hey, Wynona, you're
young, so I assume you live
87
00:03:24,235 --> 00:03:26,311
in a loft with 5 never-at-
their-job roommates
88
00:03:26,312 --> 00:03:28,146
of various ethnicities
and comedic archetypes.
89
00:03:28,147 --> 00:03:31,223
What's one more?
I can be the cute one and the slutty one.
90
00:03:31,224 --> 00:03:33,076
Wynona: Sorry, but they're
already mad at me
91
00:03:33,077 --> 00:03:35,336
for using the living room
as a mini-morgue.
92
00:03:35,487 --> 00:03:36,671
I'm the weird one.
93
00:03:36,672 --> 00:03:39,416
Flute: What about you,
Summers, old pal?
94
00:03:39,417 --> 00:03:40,917
Best partner a guy
could ask for,
95
00:03:40,918 --> 00:03:42,788
and next person
in my field of vision.
96
00:03:42,789 --> 00:03:44,680
Summers: My prayers
have been answered.
97
00:03:44,681 --> 00:03:46,514
Thank you, Cyborg Jesus!
98
00:03:46,515 --> 00:03:48,183
You want the top bunk
or the bottom?
99
00:03:48,184 --> 00:03:50,759
Flute: Hard thick pass.
What about you, Kang?
100
00:03:50,928 --> 00:03:52,428
Kang: I'm a grown ass immortal.
101
00:03:52,522 --> 00:03:54,597
I stopped having roommates
in my 200s.
102
00:03:54,673 --> 00:03:55,764
Maybe you should, too.
103
00:03:55,765 --> 00:03:57,267
Flute: Fine. I'll find
my own place
104
00:03:57,268 --> 00:03:59,509
and prove I'm a better adult
than any of you.
105
00:03:59,529 --> 00:04:01,821
See? Perfectly dry.
106
00:04:03,802 --> 00:04:07,703
Mr. Flesh: Hmm.
You're really taking this
107
00:04:07,704 --> 00:04:09,612
man of the house
thing seriously.
108
00:04:09,706 --> 00:04:11,266
Stan: I don't understand bills.
109
00:04:11,267 --> 00:04:12,949
Do you know
how to write a check?
110
00:04:12,950 --> 00:04:14,768
Mr. Flesh: Sorry. I only
know how to forge 'em.
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00:04:14,769 --> 00:04:17,103
[Knocking on door]
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00:04:17,271 --> 00:04:20,101
Boone: Hey, young fella, is
the man of the house around,
113
00:04:20,199 --> 00:04:21,698
or are you home alone?
114
00:04:21,699 --> 00:04:23,126
Stan: I'm the man of the house.
115
00:04:23,127 --> 00:04:26,278
Boone: Oh, that's good.
That's very good.
116
00:04:26,389 --> 00:04:27,597
See you around.
117
00:04:27,598 --> 00:04:30,283
Stan: What a nice, unshaven man.
118
00:04:30,284 --> 00:04:32,694
Mr. Flesh: That guy was
clearly casing the joint.
119
00:04:32,711 --> 00:04:34,341
Stan: Oh.
Maybe I should tell Mom.
120
00:04:34,342 --> 00:04:36,381
Mr. Flesh: No! You're the man
of the house now.
121
00:04:36,382 --> 00:04:38,733
Men only confide in
bartenders and barbers
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00:04:38,902 --> 00:04:40,884
who later blab it
to other customers.
123
00:04:40,978 --> 00:04:42,795
Admittedly,
it's a broken system,
124
00:04:42,888 --> 00:04:44,572
but this we can handle.
125
00:04:44,723 --> 00:04:46,482
[School bell rings]
126
00:04:46,651 --> 00:04:47,967
[Door opens]
127
00:04:47,968 --> 00:04:49,227
Flute: Pentos,
I need your help.
128
00:04:49,228 --> 00:04:52,229
Pentos: Oh! A bomb scare
at City Hall?
129
00:04:52,323 --> 00:04:54,749
A mysterious bag
of hitchhikers' thumbs?
130
00:04:54,918 --> 00:04:56,918
A terrorist texting
taunting tidings
131
00:04:56,919 --> 00:04:58,921
and now it's a race
against the clock?
132
00:04:58,922 --> 00:05:01,148
Flute: Harm threw me out.
Can I stay with you?
133
00:05:01,149 --> 00:05:04,091
Pentos: It's never the thumbs.
Well, as much as I'd love
134
00:05:04,335 --> 00:05:07,428
to be the Bertram to your Ernie,
the school won't allow it.
135
00:05:07,505 --> 00:05:10,990
But lucky for you, I recently
procured my real estate license
136
00:05:11,117 --> 00:05:13,583
to supplement my poultry income.
137
00:05:13,678 --> 00:05:16,996
And that was not my accent
playing tricks on you.
138
00:05:17,165 --> 00:05:19,498
They pay teachers
in chickens now.
139
00:05:19,499 --> 00:05:20,517
[Chicken clucks]
140
00:05:20,518 --> 00:05:43,706
?
141
00:05:43,858 --> 00:05:46,217
[Cheering and applause]
142
00:05:47,453 --> 00:05:49,470
Pentos: Oh, this is
your last option.
143
00:05:49,621 --> 00:05:50,879
800 Bless Street.
144
00:05:50,880 --> 00:05:52,808
Flute: Good neighborhood.
Mid-century modern,
145
00:05:52,809 --> 00:05:53,958
just like my miniatures.
146
00:05:53,959 --> 00:05:55,159
Plus the name and number
147
00:05:55,160 --> 00:05:56,645
together spell "Boobless."
148
00:05:56,646 --> 00:05:58,816
This place is a dream.
So, what's the catch?
149
00:05:58,817 --> 00:06:01,149
Pentos: All it says is
the original owners
150
00:06:01,150 --> 00:06:03,392
died of laughter.
151
00:06:03,469 --> 00:06:05,135
And, uh, the last tenant
152
00:06:05,196 --> 00:06:09,565
claimed the house was
haunted of laughter.
153
00:06:09,808 --> 00:06:11,884
I mean, if laughter is
a crime,
154
00:06:11,977 --> 00:06:14,328
then no wonder Matt Rife
is a free man.
155
00:06:14,480 --> 00:06:16,914
Now, let's go sign
the paperwork.
156
00:06:31,088 --> 00:06:34,348
Flute: Ugh. How do you get
hot sauce out of a shirt?
157
00:06:34,517 --> 00:06:36,333
Is it more hot sauce?
158
00:06:36,427 --> 00:06:38,744
I'm useless.
Maybe I'm not an adult.
159
00:06:38,837 --> 00:06:40,929
Uhh!
[Bottle clanks]
160
00:06:41,082 --> 00:06:43,691
Chloe Grace Moretz!
This house is haunted!
161
00:06:44,585 --> 00:06:46,009
Ugh! Who's there?
162
00:06:46,010 --> 00:06:48,530
Doris: I'm Doris.
And like the stain on your shirt,
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00:06:48,531 --> 00:06:49,938
I can no longer be seen.
164
00:06:49,939 --> 00:06:52,016
Flute: So, you're
a friendly ghost like Casper
165
00:06:52,017 --> 00:06:53,851
and not a scary ghost
like Tilda Swinton?
166
00:06:53,852 --> 00:06:56,562
Doris: Say, why aren't you
hightailing it out of here
167
00:06:56,563 --> 00:06:57,873
like everyone else who moves in?
168
00:06:57,874 --> 00:06:59,599
Flute: Because I got
nowhere to go.
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00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:00,858
And you'll be the one running
once you see
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00:07:00,859 --> 00:07:02,576
how useless I am
around the house.
171
00:07:02,712 --> 00:07:03,852
Doris: But you're a man.
172
00:07:03,853 --> 00:07:05,288
Why would you need
to do anything?
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00:07:05,289 --> 00:07:06,548
Flute: A man respected for
174
00:07:06,549 --> 00:07:08,049
doing nothing in his own home?
175
00:07:08,051 --> 00:07:10,033
What were those Mad Men
so mad about?
176
00:07:10,127 --> 00:07:13,946
Doris: Are you hungry?
A Waldorf salad might be grand.
177
00:07:14,039 --> 00:07:16,448
Flute: Hmm. I never
want to leave.
178
00:07:16,467 --> 00:07:19,451
Doris: And you never will.
[Laughs]
179
00:07:19,545 --> 00:07:22,121
Flute: Your laugh is equal parts
creepy and sweet.
180
00:07:22,122 --> 00:07:24,733
Just like this salad
is equal parts mayonnaise and grapes.
181
00:07:24,734 --> 00:07:26,551
Waldorf must have
been real backed up.
182
00:07:26,552 --> 00:07:28,736
[Laughter]
183
00:07:30,222 --> 00:07:33,574
Stan: The creepy guy is back.
I can't even pay a bill.
184
00:07:33,575 --> 00:07:35,151
How am I supposed
to handle this?
185
00:07:35,152 --> 00:07:37,061
Mr. Flesh: You ever seen
"Home Alone"?
186
00:07:37,062 --> 00:07:39,972
Stan: Well, yeah, but
would that work in real life?
187
00:07:40,065 --> 00:07:41,749
Mr. Flesh: Sure.
If that tiny kid
188
00:07:41,750 --> 00:07:44,160
could be the man of the house
and save the day
189
00:07:44,161 --> 00:07:45,754
by getting emancipated
from his parents
190
00:07:45,755 --> 00:07:48,256
while allegedly dealing with
a crippling drug addiction
191
00:07:48,257 --> 00:07:51,150
that blew through most of his
millions, then so can you.
192
00:07:51,243 --> 00:07:53,502
Stan: Are you saying
I have to do drugs?
193
00:07:53,596 --> 00:07:55,078
Mr. Flesh: Well, nobody has to.
194
00:07:55,247 --> 00:07:58,432
Now, let's go find some rope
and paint cans and uppers.
195
00:07:58,433 --> 00:07:59,659
Ha ha ha!
196
00:07:59,660 --> 00:08:04,663
?
197
00:08:04,832 --> 00:08:08,776
Man: ? I love you ?
198
00:08:09,003 --> 00:08:12,196
? Believe me, I love you so ?
199
00:08:13,691 --> 00:08:18,285
? You're the most beautiful
girl in the world ?
200
00:08:19,122 --> 00:08:23,040
? Love you more than
you'll ever know ?
201
00:08:27,130 --> 00:08:30,131
Doris: Oh, Marvin, thank you
so much for trimming my bush.
202
00:08:30,282 --> 00:08:32,800
It hadn't been that full
since the seventies.
203
00:08:32,801 --> 00:08:35,362
Flute: I plucked out all
the stray gray flowers as well.
204
00:08:35,363 --> 00:08:37,864
[Doris giggles]
Flute: Hey, what's behind here?
205
00:08:37,865 --> 00:08:39,289
Doris: It's my lady cave.
206
00:08:39,458 --> 00:08:42,792
Flute: I can't find the opening.
Can you guide me in?
207
00:08:42,793 --> 00:08:44,888
Doris: Just go slowly, Marvin,
would you?
208
00:08:44,889 --> 00:08:47,231
Why, nobody's been
in here for years.
209
00:08:47,232 --> 00:08:49,967
Flute: Bigger than
I thought it would be.
210
00:08:49,968 --> 00:08:50,968
Doris:
Well, I'm sorry I'm not a
211
00:08:50,969 --> 00:08:52,544
perky 25-year-old house.
212
00:08:52,655 --> 00:08:54,546
Ahem. Now, why don't you
lay down
213
00:08:54,657 --> 00:08:56,064
in my silky folds?
214
00:08:56,159 --> 00:08:59,034
Flute: I would,
but I'm not dressed for bed.
215
00:09:00,554 --> 00:09:04,556
And awaaay we go!
Fifties reference.
216
00:09:04,575 --> 00:09:06,083
[Doris giggles]
217
00:09:12,917 --> 00:09:15,676
[Flute groans]
Doris: Oh, Flutie-patootie,
218
00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:18,828
you made this old house
feel like a woman again.
219
00:09:18,829 --> 00:09:20,573
Flute: Now that I've been
in here, maybe we can
220
00:09:20,574 --> 00:09:21,714
try your basement next.
221
00:09:21,742 --> 00:09:22,792
Doris: Oh, no.
222
00:09:22,793 --> 00:09:24,186
I couldn't live with myself
223
00:09:24,187 --> 00:09:26,521
if the women in my
crossed-ankle sitting club
224
00:09:26,522 --> 00:09:27,763
found out about that.
225
00:09:27,764 --> 00:09:28,932
Flute: What if I just
poked my head in?
226
00:09:28,933 --> 00:09:31,083
Doris: No! It gets a bit stinky.
227
00:09:31,101 --> 00:09:33,211
Thank goodness there's
a little vent. Ha!
228
00:09:33,254 --> 00:09:35,921
Anyway, I haven't even
met your friends yet.
229
00:09:35,922 --> 00:09:38,091
Maybe you'd want to
invite them to dinner.
230
00:09:38,092 --> 00:09:39,850
Flute: That's great!
It's the perfect way to show them
231
00:09:39,851 --> 00:09:41,368
how self-sufficient I am.
232
00:09:41,595 --> 00:09:42,855
Doris: You're quite a man.
233
00:09:42,872 --> 00:09:43,922
Which makes me think
234
00:09:44,098 --> 00:09:46,040
maybe you're ready to go again.
235
00:09:46,209 --> 00:09:48,792
Flute: Ha ha ha! No.
236
00:09:48,793 --> 00:09:52,622
Summers: Look, I hate the idea
of you on the streets.
237
00:09:52,623 --> 00:09:53,882
You should move in with me.
238
00:09:53,883 --> 00:09:55,513
We don't have to share
bunk beds
239
00:09:55,534 --> 00:09:56,584
or braid your hair.
240
00:09:56,627 --> 00:09:57,793
I can just brush it.
241
00:09:58,537 --> 00:10:00,554
Aaagh!
Kang: I rarely use this word,
242
00:10:00,723 --> 00:10:02,130
but...dayum.
243
00:10:02,299 --> 00:10:04,709
Flute: That's right.
I am now a practicing adult.
244
00:10:04,727 --> 00:10:06,060
No "erer" this time.
245
00:10:06,211 --> 00:10:08,562
And I'd like to invite you all
to my adult party.
246
00:10:08,563 --> 00:10:11,215
Wynona: I've never been to
a real dinner party before,
247
00:10:11,216 --> 00:10:13,884
but I've seen plenty through
my ex-boyfriend's window.
248
00:10:13,885 --> 00:10:15,219
Martinez:
Something's fishy here.
249
00:10:15,220 --> 00:10:16,646
Flute: Maybe it's
the Lobster Newburg
250
00:10:16,647 --> 00:10:17,722
I'm making for tonight.
251
00:10:17,723 --> 00:10:18,773
See you then.
252
00:10:18,774 --> 00:10:20,057
Martinez:
There's no way he's gonna
253
00:10:20,058 --> 00:10:21,742
pull this party off, right?
254
00:10:21,969 --> 00:10:23,369
Kang: You wanna bet?
255
00:10:23,370 --> 00:10:27,365
[All shouting at once]
Martinez: OK. I got 50 bucks
256
00:10:27,366 --> 00:10:29,716
that Flute has someone
secretly helping him,
257
00:10:29,752 --> 00:10:32,235
20 on one damn hand towel
in the bathroom,
258
00:10:32,404 --> 00:10:34,496
and give me the under
on oversharing
259
00:10:34,590 --> 00:10:36,164
the size of his morning dooty.
260
00:10:36,165 --> 00:10:37,926
Wynona: My life savings
on the trifecta
261
00:10:37,927 --> 00:10:39,261
of his party playlist being
262
00:10:39,262 --> 00:10:42,412
Pearl Jam, on Pandora, with ads.
263
00:10:42,506 --> 00:10:44,172
Kang: That is your life savings?
264
00:10:44,173 --> 00:10:45,934
Wynona: I put all my money
in Dogecoin because
265
00:10:45,935 --> 00:10:47,925
someone I never met
on Reddit told me to.
266
00:10:47,937 --> 00:10:49,995
I was a billionaire
for 3 hours.
267
00:10:50,088 --> 00:10:51,605
Now I eat mustard sandwiches.
268
00:10:51,774 --> 00:10:53,440
Summers: How can you do this?
269
00:10:53,441 --> 00:10:55,351
Shouldn't we be wishing
our friend the best?
270
00:10:55,352 --> 00:10:57,520
Which in this case would be
moving in with me?
271
00:10:57,521 --> 00:10:59,571
Martinez: He's never moving in
with you.
272
00:10:59,690 --> 00:11:00,890
Summers: You wanna bet?
273
00:11:00,891 --> 00:11:02,191
Kang: That's what we're doing.
274
00:11:02,192 --> 00:11:03,860
Summers: Oh, right.
Then I'll wager
275
00:11:03,861 --> 00:11:06,528
my salary plus the Cuddle Crew.
276
00:11:06,622 --> 00:11:07,762
Kang: You're serious?
277
00:11:07,763 --> 00:11:08,865
Summers: More serious
278
00:11:08,866 --> 00:11:09,939
than Mr. Serious.
279
00:11:09,940 --> 00:11:11,942
Vernadette: I'll bet
my Miranda rights
280
00:11:11,943 --> 00:11:15,278
he's using paper towels
for toilet paper.
281
00:11:15,447 --> 00:11:16,964
[Owl hooting]
282
00:11:17,783 --> 00:11:19,103
Stan: You sure about this?
283
00:11:19,104 --> 00:11:21,303
Mr. Flesh: When that door opens,
it'll set off
284
00:11:21,304 --> 00:11:23,212
a hilarious chain of events,
culminating in
285
00:11:23,213 --> 00:11:25,622
you learning
the true meaning of family.
286
00:11:25,641 --> 00:11:28,291
Or some stupid crap.
287
00:11:28,385 --> 00:11:29,643
[Both gasp]
288
00:11:29,887 --> 00:11:38,043
?
289
00:11:38,044 --> 00:11:39,896
Stan: Oh, my God!
Mr. Flesh: This is not as
290
00:11:39,897 --> 00:11:41,396
PG as I remembered.
291
00:11:41,490 --> 00:11:43,398
We gotta call the cops!
Or your mom.
292
00:11:43,492 --> 00:11:46,142
Stan: No. We can't.
It's like Dad said.
293
00:11:46,236 --> 00:11:48,829
The man of the house never
admits he made a mistake.
294
00:11:49,056 --> 00:11:51,557
Mr. Flesh: But we just
Artie Lange's nosed
295
00:11:51,650 --> 00:11:54,168
this man's entire face!
296
00:11:54,337 --> 00:11:57,504
Stan: You get his feet,
I'll grab his mushy skull.
297
00:11:57,673 --> 00:11:59,231
[Doorbell rings]
298
00:11:59,324 --> 00:12:02,492
Pentos: Marvin, my number one
and only client!
299
00:12:02,511 --> 00:12:05,804
I hope you don't mind.
I put a sign in your yard.
300
00:12:07,683 --> 00:12:09,833
Summers: Oh, cute place.
I see your carpet
301
00:12:10,001 --> 00:12:13,929
isn't a cartoon map of a little
city you can drive toy cars on.
302
00:12:14,081 --> 00:12:16,005
I guess if that's
how you want to live.
303
00:12:16,025 --> 00:12:18,934
Martinez: Clean floors,
matching furniture.
304
00:12:18,935 --> 00:12:21,029
There's definitely
a woman behind this.
305
00:12:21,030 --> 00:12:23,200
Flute: Are you wearing
a princess outfit?
306
00:12:23,201 --> 00:12:25,533
Martinez: They don't make
sexy cocktail dresses
307
00:12:25,534 --> 00:12:27,701
in a kids 7, nor should they.
308
00:12:27,928 --> 00:12:31,096
Wynona: 1950s music?!
Great. I lost my bet.
309
00:12:31,097 --> 00:12:33,041
I woulda blown it
on crypto anyways.
310
00:12:33,042 --> 00:12:35,209
Kang: Better luck
next time, losers.
311
00:12:35,436 --> 00:12:37,936
Daddy's getting a new pair of
sensible shoes.
312
00:12:37,937 --> 00:12:40,456
Flute: You bet against me?
Never bet against the house.
313
00:12:40,457 --> 00:12:43,842
And by the house I mean me
because I did all this...
314
00:12:45,537 --> 00:12:46,970
and not the house.
315
00:12:49,708 --> 00:12:52,375
Kang: I've been here before.
316
00:12:52,469 --> 00:12:54,159
Doris: Your friends
seem so nice.
317
00:12:54,160 --> 00:12:56,046
When are you
going to introduce me?
318
00:12:56,047 --> 00:12:57,715
Flute: That's a sad group
out there.
319
00:12:57,716 --> 00:12:59,959
We shouldn't rub our
relationship in their faces.
320
00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:01,552
Let's take it slow
and just rub in
321
00:13:01,553 --> 00:13:03,795
how well I'm
doing on my own first.
322
00:13:03,889 --> 00:13:05,029
Especially to Harmony.
323
00:13:05,056 --> 00:13:06,798
Doris: Your ex-wife is coming?
324
00:13:06,799 --> 00:13:08,410
Flute: Of course.
The whole point of divorce
325
00:13:08,411 --> 00:13:10,245
is to spend the rest
of your life trying to hurt
326
00:13:10,246 --> 00:13:11,638
the person you once publicly
327
00:13:11,639 --> 00:13:12,655
declared your love for.
328
00:13:12,656 --> 00:13:15,064
[Doorbell rings]
That must be her.
329
00:13:15,159 --> 00:13:20,462
?
330
00:13:20,463 --> 00:13:23,149
Thanks for dressing up
for dinner.
331
00:13:23,150 --> 00:13:24,817
Harmony:
Dinner? I rented a U-Haul.
332
00:13:24,818 --> 00:13:25,835
I thought the invite was for me
333
00:13:25,836 --> 00:13:27,076
to help you move back in.
334
00:13:27,096 --> 00:13:29,096
Wow, this place is
magazine nice.
335
00:13:29,097 --> 00:13:31,582
Flute: Where's your kid?
Harmony: I left him home alone.
336
00:13:31,583 --> 00:13:34,101
He's fine.
He's the man of the house now.
337
00:13:34,102 --> 00:13:38,088
Mr. Flesh: Stan Marino,
I'm starting to think
338
00:13:38,089 --> 00:13:40,757
this might qualify
as a mistake.
339
00:13:40,758 --> 00:13:42,018
Stan: Never!
We dump him in the lake.
340
00:13:42,019 --> 00:13:44,427
Avoid being seen.
Forget it happened.
341
00:13:44,521 --> 00:13:46,188
[Tires screech]
342
00:13:46,431 --> 00:13:47,481
[Bottle breaks]
343
00:13:51,102 --> 00:13:53,845
Mr. Flesh: OK, now we need
to call somebody.
344
00:13:53,939 --> 00:13:56,623
Stan: Man! Of! The! House!
345
00:13:56,792 --> 00:13:58,942
[Breathing heavily]
346
00:13:59,110 --> 00:14:03,855
Tonight, I'm gonna take
the deepest bath.
347
00:14:03,949 --> 00:14:05,691
[R&B music playing]
348
00:14:05,692 --> 00:14:07,284
Wynona: Maybe we were
wrong about Flute.
349
00:14:07,285 --> 00:14:09,515
Summers: He really is
doing great on his own.
350
00:14:09,530 --> 00:14:11,580
I knew I jinxed it
when I installed those
351
00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:13,048
his and his toilets.
352
00:14:13,049 --> 00:14:14,867
Flute: May I have your attention
by doing something
353
00:14:14,868 --> 00:14:16,761
people only do in movies?
[Taps on glass]
354
00:14:16,762 --> 00:14:17,972
Thank you.
I thought now
355
00:14:18,055 --> 00:14:19,625
might be a good time
for you all
356
00:14:19,626 --> 00:14:21,298
to apologize for
betting against me.
357
00:14:21,299 --> 00:14:22,817
Martinez: I can admit
when I'm wrong.
358
00:14:22,818 --> 00:14:24,486
I checked every bathroom
and couldn't find
359
00:14:24,487 --> 00:14:25,819
a single lady hair.
360
00:14:25,971 --> 00:14:27,821
Just a disturbing
amount of Flubes.
361
00:14:27,990 --> 00:14:30,232
Flute's pubes.
I say it enough
362
00:14:30,233 --> 00:14:31,901
that it warrants
the portmanteau.
363
00:14:31,902 --> 00:14:33,644
Flute: Thank you.
Harm, you've been quiet.
364
00:14:33,645 --> 00:14:35,997
Anything you'd like to admit
you were an idiot for thinking?
365
00:14:35,998 --> 00:14:38,649
Harmony: Yeah. There's plenty of
idiotic things I could admit to.
366
00:14:38,650 --> 00:14:40,985
Subscribing to Quibi,
using scented tampons,
367
00:14:40,986 --> 00:14:43,228
buying not one but two
Ninja CREAMis.
368
00:14:43,230 --> 00:14:45,460
Now I guess I can add
"Thinking you couldn't
369
00:14:45,461 --> 00:14:47,083
survive without me"
to that list.
370
00:14:47,084 --> 00:14:49,177
Flute: Thank y-
Doris: Tell them about me.
371
00:14:49,178 --> 00:14:51,288
Flute: Well, this was fun.
Drive home safe.
372
00:14:51,329 --> 00:14:54,848
Martinez: Aha! I knew
there was a woman here. Pay up, Kang!
373
00:14:54,925 --> 00:14:57,518
Doris: You're no better
than my Larry!
374
00:14:57,686 --> 00:15:00,854
Kang: Larry?
[All gasp]
375
00:15:02,266 --> 00:15:03,582
[Flute grunting]
376
00:15:03,675 --> 00:15:04,942
Martinez: Aah!
377
00:15:06,028 --> 00:15:07,677
Kang: Now I remember.
I was on
378
00:15:07,696 --> 00:15:09,196
a suicide case here years ago,
379
00:15:09,256 --> 00:15:11,256
and her husband Larry
went missing.
380
00:15:11,425 --> 00:15:13,775
Doris: That's right!
And there are about to be
381
00:15:13,869 --> 00:15:16,611
several more missing people!
[Laughs]
382
00:15:16,705 --> 00:15:19,522
All: Aah!
383
00:15:19,616 --> 00:15:21,858
Man: Ow!
384
00:15:21,859 --> 00:15:23,953
Pentos: This may be
an awkward moment to ask,
385
00:15:23,954 --> 00:15:26,004
but do you have
my commission check?
386
00:15:29,218 --> 00:15:34,370
?
387
00:15:34,539 --> 00:15:36,706
[Summers grunts]
I've tried everything.
388
00:15:36,800 --> 00:15:39,560
It's a 1950s nuclear war bunker.
We're trapped.
389
00:15:39,561 --> 00:15:42,288
Wynona: Looks like her husband
never found a way out, either.
390
00:15:42,289 --> 00:15:43,898
Martinez: And our phones
don't work.
391
00:15:43,899 --> 00:15:45,381
Now I'll never get to yell at
392
00:15:45,550 --> 00:15:47,170
my beautiful, stupid kids again.
393
00:15:47,260 --> 00:15:50,030
Summers: And I'll never get to
be roommates with Flute.
394
00:15:50,130 --> 00:15:51,180
Except in here.
395
00:15:51,222 --> 00:15:54,149
Which means I won!
Pay up, Kang.
396
00:15:54,150 --> 00:15:56,469
Kang: Sorry, Summers,
but all bets are off.
397
00:15:56,470 --> 00:15:58,246
Unless you want to wager on
who I'll eat first,
398
00:15:58,247 --> 00:16:00,581
since I'm the only one
that can't die in here.
399
00:16:00,582 --> 00:16:02,250
Harmony: If you can't die,
then why eat us?
400
00:16:02,251 --> 00:16:04,541
Kang: Eh, gotta do something
to fill the time.
401
00:16:04,542 --> 00:16:06,329
Martinez: Oh, great.
Now the walls are bleeding.
402
00:16:06,330 --> 00:16:08,256
Flute: Well, at least I know
I didn't get her pregnant.
403
00:16:08,257 --> 00:16:10,982
Martinez: This is all
Orange Frankenstein's fault
404
00:16:11,001 --> 00:16:12,651
for renting Flute this house.
405
00:16:12,652 --> 00:16:13,986
Pentos: Just for that,
you're not getting
406
00:16:13,987 --> 00:16:15,762
a computer signed
Christmas card.
407
00:16:15,989 --> 00:16:18,340
And any blame should fall
squarely on blondie
408
00:16:18,341 --> 00:16:20,176
for kicking him out
in the first place.
409
00:16:20,177 --> 00:16:22,510
Harmony: It is my fault
that I booted a man
410
00:16:22,679 --> 00:16:25,088
so vile he can even disappoint
dead women?
411
00:16:25,089 --> 00:16:27,016
Summers: Maybe if Kang
hadn't turned this into
412
00:16:27,017 --> 00:16:29,185
a money-making scheme, we
could have been more helpful.
413
00:16:29,186 --> 00:16:31,094
Kang: Can't wait to eat
your nose.
414
00:16:31,262 --> 00:16:33,521
[All talking at once]
415
00:16:33,616 --> 00:16:36,191
[Clanging]
416
00:16:36,192 --> 00:16:38,119
Flute: Look at yourselves.
You're all fighting
417
00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:39,787
instead of trying
to get out of here.
418
00:16:39,788 --> 00:16:41,270
Sure, I may not be an adult,
419
00:16:41,271 --> 00:16:43,124
but guess what?
Neither are any of you.
420
00:16:43,125 --> 00:16:44,867
Wynona's only friends
are corpses.
421
00:16:44,868 --> 00:16:46,185
Summers is afraid to live alone.
422
00:16:46,186 --> 00:16:47,795
Martinez only
talks about her children
423
00:16:47,796 --> 00:16:49,188
because she has
nothing else of interest,
424
00:16:49,189 --> 00:16:50,749
and Kang can't die, which is all
425
00:16:50,858 --> 00:16:52,238
any real adult thinks about.
426
00:16:52,359 --> 00:16:56,544
Sorry to vent, but-wait.
My crime mind is tingling.
427
00:16:56,639 --> 00:16:59,306
[Doris giggles]
428
00:16:59,475 --> 00:17:02,367
[Funk music playing]
429
00:17:02,536 --> 00:17:06,129
Flute on screen: And awaaay
we go! Fifties reference.
430
00:17:06,223 --> 00:17:07,797
Mm.
[Doris giggles]
431
00:17:07,891 --> 00:17:10,241
Flute: Uh, excuse me. Pardon me.
Your ween is out.
432
00:17:10,301 --> 00:17:12,486
Yours, too. And yours.
Should mine be out?
433
00:17:12,637 --> 00:17:14,062
I don't wanna get in trouble.
434
00:17:14,063 --> 00:17:15,806
Doris: Thank goodness
there's a little vent.
435
00:17:15,807 --> 00:17:18,733
Little vent.
Little vent. Little vent.
436
00:17:18,902 --> 00:17:21,119
Flute: "A little vent."
That's it!
437
00:17:22,055 --> 00:17:24,247
Wow, that is one hairy butt.
438
00:17:26,001 --> 00:17:28,001
That's it.
There's a tiny vent in here,
439
00:17:28,078 --> 00:17:30,337
and I bet Martinez
can fit through it.
440
00:17:33,491 --> 00:17:34,749
Martinez: Uhh!
441
00:17:34,750 --> 00:17:36,010
Harmony: Oh, I hope
she makes it out
442
00:17:36,011 --> 00:17:37,660
so I can see my sweet baby's
443
00:17:37,871 --> 00:17:39,888
face one more time.
444
00:17:42,516 --> 00:17:46,854
Mr. Flesh: I say this
without a hint of comedy.
445
00:17:46,855 --> 00:17:49,672
What's the plan, Stan?
[Crash]
446
00:17:49,766 --> 00:17:51,583
Stan: What the crap is it now?
447
00:17:51,601 --> 00:17:53,068
Carjacker: Out of the car.
448
00:17:55,772 --> 00:17:57,589
Stan: It's all yours.
449
00:17:57,682 --> 00:18:00,091
[Bodies groaning]
450
00:18:00,110 --> 00:18:02,761
Carjacker: Oh. No thanks.
[Gun cocks]
451
00:18:02,854 --> 00:18:05,354
Stan: In the car. Now.
452
00:18:05,374 --> 00:18:06,598
[Knife clatters]
453
00:18:06,691 --> 00:18:07,874
[Engine starts]
454
00:18:08,785 --> 00:18:10,877
Carjacker: Uhh!
[Tires screech]
455
00:18:12,069 --> 00:18:15,199
Stan: No wonder
my dad moved out.
456
00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:17,300
Being the man of
the house sucks!
457
00:18:17,301 --> 00:18:20,888
Mr. Flesh: Starting to have
more compassion for how
458
00:18:20,889 --> 00:18:22,948
Macaulay ended up
the way he did.
459
00:18:23,116 --> 00:18:26,634
[Rumbling]
Martinez: Aah!
460
00:18:27,804 --> 00:18:30,638
Doris: How dare you try
and sneak in my back door
461
00:18:30,733 --> 00:18:33,143
while I was bending over
backwards cleaning?!
462
00:18:33,293 --> 00:18:36,478
Now I'm going to pinch it shut
and none of you will ever leave.
463
00:18:36,554 --> 00:18:37,604
Flute: No!
464
00:18:37,722 --> 00:18:39,631
Doris: I'm sick of everyone
465
00:18:39,800 --> 00:18:41,483
using and leaving me
466
00:18:41,577 --> 00:18:45,971
like I'm some seedy Airbnb.
467
00:18:46,064 --> 00:18:48,114
Flute: You're right.
That's not fairbnb.
468
00:18:48,115 --> 00:18:50,251
I was using you to make me
seem like an adult, but I'm not.
469
00:18:50,252 --> 00:18:52,086
I don't know how to clean
my own clothes.
470
00:18:52,087 --> 00:18:53,496
Whenever I draw a picture
with a sun in it,
471
00:18:53,497 --> 00:18:55,072
it's always
in the top right corner,
472
00:18:55,073 --> 00:18:57,166
and I still pull my pants
all the way down to pee.
473
00:18:57,167 --> 00:18:59,150
But the most not adult thing
was that
474
00:18:59,319 --> 00:19:01,970
I didn't appreciate you.
475
00:19:03,581 --> 00:19:04,747
Doris: No man ever has.
476
00:19:04,767 --> 00:19:06,600
And now I'm going to be
alone again.
477
00:19:06,827 --> 00:19:08,602
I don't want to go back to that.
478
00:19:08,753 --> 00:19:10,419
That bush was so out of control.
479
00:19:10,420 --> 00:19:13,107
Flute: Release all my friends
and I'll stay in this house
480
00:19:13,108 --> 00:19:15,610
forever with you and never
step out that door again.
481
00:19:15,611 --> 00:19:17,760
Doris: You would do that for me?
482
00:19:18,005 --> 00:19:20,429
Flute: I'm your
Flutie-patootie, aren't I?
483
00:19:20,524 --> 00:19:31,208
?
484
00:19:32,443 --> 00:19:34,519
Summers: Thanks, Flute.
My bottom bunk
485
00:19:34,688 --> 00:19:36,538
will remain untouched forever.
486
00:19:36,539 --> 00:19:38,707
Unless I want to move
down there 'cause I saw
487
00:19:38,708 --> 00:19:39,874
a spider on the ceiling.
488
00:19:39,875 --> 00:19:41,694
Pentos: I trust you'll
have the decency
489
00:19:41,695 --> 00:19:43,505
not to mention
this clusterfumble
490
00:19:43,621 --> 00:19:45,889
in my Angie's List review.
491
00:19:45,890 --> 00:19:48,701
Harmony: This is
the most adult thing
492
00:19:48,702 --> 00:19:50,051
I've ever seen you do.
493
00:19:50,052 --> 00:19:52,146
I'm sorry I threw you out
and now you have to die
494
00:19:52,147 --> 00:19:54,055
a sex slave for this
needy house.
495
00:19:54,056 --> 00:19:55,799
Flute: And I'm sorry
I didn't flush at least once
496
00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:57,234
while I lived with you.
497
00:19:59,804 --> 00:20:01,279
[Engine starts]
498
00:20:05,218 --> 00:20:07,494
Well, it's just
you and me, Doris.
499
00:20:07,495 --> 00:20:09,313
Doris: I'm sorry
I ruined dinner.
500
00:20:09,314 --> 00:20:11,756
Can I make you some
Jell-O with ham chunks?
501
00:20:11,757 --> 00:20:13,167
Flute: No, I'll make dinner.
502
00:20:13,168 --> 00:20:15,002
Doris: Thank you, darling.
I'm going to go
503
00:20:15,003 --> 00:20:17,062
blast the humidifier
in the pink room.
504
00:20:17,230 --> 00:20:19,923
It takes a little longer
than it used to.
505
00:20:23,205 --> 00:20:25,254
[Beeping]
506
00:20:25,255 --> 00:20:26,422
Doris: Marvin, my dear,
507
00:20:26,423 --> 00:20:27,663
do you smell gas?
508
00:20:27,757 --> 00:20:29,224
Flute: Aah!
509
00:20:30,196 --> 00:20:33,855
Take that, dead spirit
that only wanted
510
00:20:33,856 --> 00:20:35,581
to be loved
and to take care of someone!
511
00:20:35,582 --> 00:20:37,599
Ha ha ha ha!
512
00:20:37,693 --> 00:20:39,443
I'm never getting
my deposit back.
513
00:20:40,174 --> 00:20:44,866
Newscaster: And finally,
in "scare you right before bed" news,
514
00:20:44,867 --> 00:20:46,033
3 wanted fugitives were found
515
00:20:46,034 --> 00:20:48,109
barely alive in a stolen car.
516
00:20:48,110 --> 00:20:49,912
Flute: Um, how much money
did you make
517
00:20:49,913 --> 00:20:51,355
on the settlement
from your accident?
518
00:20:51,356 --> 00:20:53,023
Summers: Plenty.
Not to mention all the cash
519
00:20:53,024 --> 00:20:54,208
I made from my bet with Kang
520
00:20:54,209 --> 00:20:55,529
now that you're my roomie,
521
00:20:55,602 --> 00:20:56,710
roomie. [Laughs]
522
00:20:56,711 --> 00:20:57,879
Flute: I think
this might actually
523
00:20:57,880 --> 00:20:59,362
work out really well for me.
524
00:20:59,363 --> 00:21:01,698
Summers: For us.
We're gonna work together,
525
00:21:01,699 --> 00:21:04,051
live together, eat together,
sleep together,
526
00:21:04,052 --> 00:21:06,336
dream together,
scream together, master-
527
00:21:06,337 --> 00:21:08,114
Flute: Can you just give me
a lift to my bunk?
528
00:21:08,115 --> 00:21:10,891
Summers: Next stop, top bunk.
Hee hee!
529
00:21:10,892 --> 00:21:13,953
Flute: There's a spider up here.
Summers: I know.
530
00:21:13,954 --> 00:21:15,638
That's why I picked
the bottom bunk.
531
00:21:15,639 --> 00:21:16,898
Ooh, and I should warn you,
532
00:21:16,899 --> 00:21:18,399
I have a bit of
a snoring problem.
533
00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:20,902
They programmed me to snore
so I'd seem more lifelike,
534
00:21:20,903 --> 00:21:24,295
and it can't be stopped.
G'night!
535
00:21:24,389 --> 00:21:26,323
[Snoring]
536
00:21:28,151 --> 00:21:30,201
[Dog barking]
537
00:21:33,916 --> 00:21:36,082
Person: Bento.
[Crowd cheering]
538
00:21:36,132 --> 00:21:40,682
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