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1
00:00:01,523 --> 00:00:02,573
Let's go.
2
00:00:02,574 --> 00:00:03,828
- Doc.
3
00:00:03,829 --> 00:00:04,786
She has no recollection
4
00:00:04,787 --> 00:00:05,787
of the last eight years.
5
00:00:05,788 --> 00:00:06,788
Bring it on.
6
00:00:06,789 --> 00:00:07,832
I came here to help you.
7
00:00:07,833 --> 00:00:08,973
"Kitchen Nightmares �
8
00:00:08,974 --> 00:00:09,834
Are you in.
9
00:00:09,835 --> 00:00:11,315
And �Going Dutch �
10
00:00:11,316 --> 00:00:12,489
Pew pew pew.
11
00:00:12,490 --> 00:00:13,882
First guns I've
seen on the base.
12
00:00:13,883 --> 00:00:14,622
Let's go,
let's go.
13
00:00:14,623 --> 00:00:16,233
All available now.
14
00:00:16,234 --> 00:00:19,061
- [indistinct chatter]
- [woman] Oh.
15
00:00:19,062 --> 00:00:21,499
? Jingle bells jingle bells
16
00:00:21,630 --> 00:00:23,284
[singing in foreign language]
17
00:00:23,371 --> 00:00:26,112
- [window opens]
- [Patrick] Hey, you. Boy.
18
00:00:26,113 --> 00:00:28,505
- What the hell is goin' on?
- It's Christmas, sir.
19
00:00:28,506 --> 00:00:30,639
No, it's not.
It's the middle of spring.
20
00:00:30,640 --> 00:00:32,335
And why are you talking
like that?
21
00:00:32,336 --> 00:00:34,903
I'm Tiny Tim
from A Christmas Carol.
22
00:00:34,904 --> 00:00:37,298
- We're performing it today.
- Yeah?
23
00:00:37,299 --> 00:00:39,299
You better work on that limp
'cause I ain't buying it for
24
00:00:39,300 --> 00:00:42,738
a second, pal. You're not
limping, you're just hopping.
25
00:00:42,739 --> 00:00:45,696
[Jan] An orange if you've been
a good little soldier girl.
26
00:00:45,697 --> 00:00:48,047
Mm-hmm. Now go and decorate
the tree, of course.
27
00:00:48,135 --> 00:00:51,181
Ooh, tell me, colonel,
have you been a good boy?
28
00:00:51,182 --> 00:00:53,226
- What the hell's going on?
- Oh, you don't know?
29
00:00:53,227 --> 00:00:55,229
- No.
- During Second World War...
30
00:00:55,230 --> 00:00:56,925
Stroopsdorf
couldn't celebrate Christmas
31
00:00:56,926 --> 00:00:58,970
because we were
under enemy occupation.
32
00:00:58,971 --> 00:01:01,408
- Uh-huh. You're welcome by the-
- And after we got liberated...
33
00:01:01,409 --> 00:01:03,758
We decided
to celebrate in spring instead.
34
00:01:03,759 --> 00:01:07,544
So now we celebrate Christmas
twice a year. Twice Christmas.
35
00:01:07,545 --> 00:01:09,595
Wh-why are you dressed
like a real Pope?
36
00:01:09,678 --> 00:01:13,768
I'm Dutch Father Christmas,
known as Sinterklaas,
37
00:01:13,769 --> 00:01:15,770
a svelte man
who travels from Madrid
38
00:01:15,771 --> 00:01:17,686
in a tugboat full of oranges
39
00:01:17,773 --> 00:01:20,558
just to put candy
in little children's boots.
40
00:01:20,645 --> 00:01:23,235
So let me get this straight,
you're a fruit peddler
41
00:01:23,257 --> 00:01:25,346
who's got a foot fetish.
Is that the idea?
42
00:01:25,476 --> 00:01:28,218
At least it's not as idiotic
as your Santa Claus,
43
00:01:28,349 --> 00:01:31,569
that grinning mascot for your
country's obesity and the whore
44
00:01:31,700 --> 00:01:34,268
to your corporations.
Yes, I said it, a whore.
45
00:01:34,269 --> 00:01:36,530
I'm gonna give you literally
three seconds to
46
00:01:36,531 --> 00:01:38,271
disappear, or I'm gonna hit you
in the head with an-
47
00:01:38,272 --> 00:01:40,186
- Colonel, it's Twice Christmas.
- Yeah.
48
00:01:40,187 --> 00:01:41,100
And I'm gonna hit you
twice as hard.
49
00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:42,971
[Jan] No, colonel,
are you crazy?
50
00:01:42,972 --> 00:01:44,713
- Ah...
- No, don't do it! Ah!
51
00:01:44,843 --> 00:01:46,367
It's-it's Christmas. Ah!
52
00:01:46,497 --> 00:01:49,370
[theme music]
53
00:01:51,502 --> 00:01:53,416
[instrumental music]
54
00:01:53,417 --> 00:01:54,939
[Jan] Oh, colonel, no.
Please be a good boy.
55
00:01:54,940 --> 00:01:57,028
Ah, colonel. Ah, ah...
56
00:01:57,029 --> 00:01:59,030
[screams] Maggie. Ah, ah!
57
00:01:59,031 --> 00:02:00,598
[Maggie] Jan, are you okay?
58
00:02:00,729 --> 00:02:02,165
- Help me.
- What happened?
59
00:02:02,296 --> 00:02:04,950
Your father
was throwing oranges at me.
60
00:02:05,037 --> 00:02:07,083
I've never seen him so brutal.
61
00:02:07,214 --> 00:02:11,260
I should have known.
My father despises Christmas.
62
00:02:11,261 --> 00:02:13,872
Ruined every single one
till I was, like, 16.
63
00:02:14,003 --> 00:02:17,397
The day after Thanksgiving
when the decorations went up,
64
00:02:17,398 --> 00:02:21,184
that was,
that was my Black Friday.
65
00:02:21,185 --> 00:02:22,358
I'm pretty sure
that's everyone's
66
00:02:22,359 --> 00:02:23,316
Black Friday, but, yeah.
67
00:02:23,317 --> 00:02:25,101
It's gonna be everyone here's
68
00:02:25,188 --> 00:02:27,190
Black Tuesday unless I stop him
69
00:02:27,321 --> 00:02:30,149
because he will cancel
Twice Christmas.
70
00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:33,195
He will take away Christmas
71
00:02:33,196 --> 00:02:35,329
like the fussy green grump
of legend.
72
00:02:35,330 --> 00:02:37,373
There is no amount
of boo-hooing from Whoville
73
00:02:37,374 --> 00:02:39,419
that's gonna make his heart
grow any bigger.
74
00:02:39,420 --> 00:02:41,900
He already takes pills
for that, so...
75
00:02:42,031 --> 00:02:43,205
[Christmas music]
76
00:02:43,206 --> 00:02:46,296
- Perfect.
- Be careful with that.
77
00:02:46,297 --> 00:02:48,428
[Abraham] General. Colonel.
I didn't know you'd be here.
78
00:02:48,429 --> 00:02:50,473
Also, as a quick follow-up,
why are you here?
79
00:02:50,474 --> 00:02:52,128
I admit
I'm a man of basic tastes.
80
00:02:52,259 --> 00:02:55,086
I like Michael Buble,
chicken teriyaki,
81
00:02:55,087 --> 00:02:56,175
the films of Ron Howard.
82
00:02:56,176 --> 00:03:00,789
But most of all,
I love Christmas.
83
00:03:00,876 --> 00:03:03,095
And this is the only place
on Earth
84
00:03:03,096 --> 00:03:04,444
where you can get it twice!
85
00:03:04,445 --> 00:03:06,402
I come here every year.
86
00:03:06,403 --> 00:03:08,448
And if I'm a lucky boy,
87
00:03:08,449 --> 00:03:11,625
Santa may make
an appearance today.
88
00:03:11,626 --> 00:03:13,062
Ha-ha!
89
00:03:14,019 --> 00:03:15,846
Okay, I thought you were joking.
90
00:03:15,847 --> 00:03:19,460
- And the joke would be?
- General...
91
00:03:19,547 --> 00:03:22,505
I got your new fit,
and it is fire.
92
00:03:22,506 --> 00:03:24,420
Let's just say my guy in Prague
knows his way around
93
00:03:24,421 --> 00:03:26,467
crushed red velvet
and white fur.
94
00:03:26,554 --> 00:03:30,339
- So you're Santa.
- I can neither confirm nor deny.
95
00:03:30,340 --> 00:03:33,124
But I can say Santa and I
have never been seen
96
00:03:33,125 --> 00:03:35,476
in the same room together.
97
00:03:35,606 --> 00:03:36,656
[band music]
98
00:03:36,657 --> 00:03:40,610
Listen up, I am sick of you
always ruining Christmas,
99
00:03:40,611 --> 00:03:43,701
and I am not gonna let you
Scrooge us over.
100
00:03:43,832 --> 00:03:45,702
- Ho-ho-ho. What?
- Oh, my God!
101
00:03:45,703 --> 00:03:50,055
- I can't say ho anymore?
- You look, um, festive.
102
00:03:50,142 --> 00:03:53,320
I decided to join in the fun.
103
00:03:53,450 --> 00:03:55,582
Is there a gun
pointing at you right now?
104
00:03:55,583 --> 00:03:59,587
Just a gun of intimate moments
and sexual compatibility.
105
00:03:59,717 --> 00:04:02,198
- It's starting to make sense.
- [Patrick] Mm-hmm.
106
00:04:02,329 --> 00:04:04,940
Yeah, your father
had reservations at first.
107
00:04:05,070 --> 00:04:06,580
- Mm...
- But upon my explanation...
108
00:04:06,637 --> 00:04:08,987
He understood
the holiday's importance
109
00:04:09,118 --> 00:04:12,513
and agreed to join in tonight
for my Twice Christmas party.
110
00:04:12,514 --> 00:04:13,687
- Mm.
- [Katja] So...
111
00:04:13,688 --> 00:04:15,516
We are looking forward to
112
00:04:15,517 --> 00:04:17,299
celebrating
our first Christmas dinner
113
00:04:17,300 --> 00:04:20,608
as girlfriend and boyfriend.
114
00:04:20,738 --> 00:04:23,175
- Girlfriend and boyfriend?
- [Patrick] Yes.
115
00:04:23,306 --> 00:04:25,308
- Is that a problem?
- No.
116
00:04:25,395 --> 00:04:28,659
I'm just, uh,
not used to the concept.
117
00:04:28,746 --> 00:04:32,446
Oh. Maybe try
blow-drying your hair.
118
00:04:32,576 --> 00:04:36,537
No, I, I meant, um,
in, in relation to, to him.
119
00:04:36,667 --> 00:04:39,191
I have heard my dad
referred to as a husband,
120
00:04:39,192 --> 00:04:41,628
an ex-husband, uh,
a phone number that I called
121
00:04:41,629 --> 00:04:43,717
to have a strange woman answer,
"Is this one of your whores?"
122
00:04:43,718 --> 00:04:46,546
- [chuckles]
- This is new for me as well.
123
00:04:46,547 --> 00:04:49,680
But things have progressed
to a point
124
00:04:49,811 --> 00:04:53,727
that we decided to,
as you say, make it official...
125
00:04:53,728 --> 00:04:55,337
[chuckles] by elevating him
126
00:04:55,338 --> 00:04:58,776
to the lead lover
in my stable of men.
127
00:04:58,863 --> 00:05:01,649
- Number one with a bullet.
- Okay, I'm gonna, um...
128
00:05:01,650 --> 00:05:03,606
- [clears throat] Head out.
- Where you going?
129
00:05:03,607 --> 00:05:05,782
- Some stuff to, um, throw up.
- [Patrick] Okay.
130
00:05:05,783 --> 00:05:08,786
- She is so repressed.
- I know. It's her mom.
131
00:05:08,917 --> 00:05:09,967
[door opens]
132
00:05:11,572 --> 00:05:13,443
- [Elias] Hey, major.
- Hey. Hey.
133
00:05:13,444 --> 00:05:14,748
Looked like
you were just about to cry.
134
00:05:14,749 --> 00:05:16,925
No, I'm good.
What are you doing here?
135
00:05:16,926 --> 00:05:19,187
Part of the deal I have with
the colonel for not kicking me
136
00:05:19,188 --> 00:05:21,669
out of the army
for being this awesome
137
00:05:21,670 --> 00:05:23,670
is that I have to keep
my awesomeness hidden
138
00:05:23,671 --> 00:05:25,759
when General Davidson is here.
So I sit in here.
139
00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:28,022
Make all-day chili
and eat it all day.
140
00:05:28,023 --> 00:05:29,415
[Abraham] Hm.
141
00:05:29,416 --> 00:05:31,199
Why are you hiding
in the kitchen?
142
00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:33,027
I can't take any more
of this Twice Christmas.
143
00:05:33,028 --> 00:05:34,376
It's like once is enough, right?
144
00:05:34,377 --> 00:05:36,597
- Hm, okay.
- Staying up all night.
145
00:05:36,684 --> 00:05:40,034
Wrapping presents for your
stepson, drinking Santa's milk,
146
00:05:40,035 --> 00:05:44,995
googling how do reindeer eat
to best mimic carrot bites.
147
00:05:44,996 --> 00:05:46,867
But then his mom and you
split up, and
148
00:05:46,868 --> 00:05:48,825
all you're left with
are memories that taunt you.
149
00:05:48,826 --> 00:05:50,326
I didn't know you got a stepson.
150
00:05:50,327 --> 00:05:51,785
- Well, I had a stepson.
- Okay.
151
00:05:51,786 --> 00:05:53,917
I'm gonna need you
to stop there. I'm sorry, man.
152
00:05:53,918 --> 00:05:56,398
I have this weird thing where
I get super bummed when I hear
153
00:05:56,399 --> 00:05:57,748
- about dead kids.
- What?
154
00:05:57,749 --> 00:05:59,270
It's like how some people hate
the word moist.
155
00:05:59,271 --> 00:06:00,359
- I know, but-
- No, he's not dead!
156
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:02,056
What are you talking about?
157
00:06:02,057 --> 00:06:03,623
No, I just can't
talk to him right now
158
00:06:03,624 --> 00:06:04,972
because his mom
and I are mid-divorce...
159
00:06:04,973 --> 00:06:06,670
Oh, thank God.
160
00:06:06,801 --> 00:06:08,193
Well, like your ex-wife,
161
00:06:08,324 --> 00:06:10,020
I'm gonna need some space
162
00:06:10,021 --> 00:06:11,892
because there's a part
of all-day chili
163
00:06:11,893 --> 00:06:13,850
where I end up needing to do
something else all day.
164
00:06:13,851 --> 00:06:15,635
Okay, say no more, I'm gonna go
to my office and watch
165
00:06:15,636 --> 00:06:17,419
one of those
devastating photo montages
166
00:06:17,420 --> 00:06:19,291
that my phone sends me
every day.
167
00:06:19,422 --> 00:06:21,423
- Mm-hmm. Okay.
- [Abraham] Yeah.
168
00:06:21,424 --> 00:06:22,686
[farts]
169
00:06:22,687 --> 00:06:24,295
I might chase myself out of here
170
00:06:24,296 --> 00:06:26,341
if there's another like that
in the chamber.
171
00:06:26,342 --> 00:06:28,649
Katja! Katja! Katja! Katja!
172
00:06:28,650 --> 00:06:30,432
You didn't hear me.
I was like, "Katja! Katja!"
173
00:06:30,433 --> 00:06:32,303
- Oh, that was you?
- Uh...
174
00:06:32,304 --> 00:06:35,481
I just wanted to say
thank you so much.
175
00:06:35,482 --> 00:06:38,702
Oh, please. The blow-dryer
was just a suggestion.
176
00:06:38,833 --> 00:06:42,097
- But you should take it.
- Oh, I, I meant...
177
00:06:42,227 --> 00:06:43,707
Actually, thank you for
178
00:06:43,838 --> 00:06:46,580
getting my dad on board
with Twice Christmas.
179
00:06:46,710 --> 00:06:49,234
Oh, it was nothing.
Have a nice day.
180
00:06:49,321 --> 00:06:52,759
He's always the worst
with Christmas.
181
00:06:52,760 --> 00:06:54,282
One year he actually
cut off his finger
182
00:06:54,283 --> 00:06:56,893
to get out of Christmas dinner,
which he said was an accident.
183
00:06:56,894 --> 00:06:59,724
- But I knew was not the case.
- Why are you telling me this?
184
00:06:59,854 --> 00:07:04,380
Because I promise to do my best
to wrangle him tonight.
185
00:07:04,467 --> 00:07:06,207
- Tonight?
- Yes, at the party.
186
00:07:06,208 --> 00:07:08,123
I'll keep him in check.
187
00:07:08,253 --> 00:07:11,169
Oh, that's so kind of you,
but unnecessary
188
00:07:11,300 --> 00:07:12,692
since you're not invited.
189
00:07:12,693 --> 00:07:15,521
I'm so sorry,
I didn't know, uh, that
190
00:07:15,522 --> 00:07:17,523
it was like
a-an intimate affair.
191
00:07:17,524 --> 00:07:19,569
- It's actually quite large.
- Oh.
192
00:07:19,700 --> 00:07:22,442
I just did not invite you
because I do not like you.
193
00:07:24,748 --> 00:07:25,923
Happy Twice Christmas.
194
00:07:26,054 --> 00:07:27,751
[band music]
195
00:07:27,882 --> 00:07:28,932
[car door shuts]
196
00:07:31,015 --> 00:07:32,277
[band music]
197
00:07:32,408 --> 00:07:34,932
[Maggie] Bing-bong! Hi.
198
00:07:35,019 --> 00:07:37,761
I rang the doorbell,
but you weren't answering.
199
00:07:37,892 --> 00:07:41,417
So you decided to surprise me
through the back door.
200
00:07:41,504 --> 00:07:44,202
- Hm.
- You are your father's daughter.
201
00:07:44,289 --> 00:07:46,640
Um, I realized that I forgot
202
00:07:46,727 --> 00:07:48,657
to give you
your Twice Christmas gift.
203
00:07:48,658 --> 00:07:50,773
I just remembered once that you
said that you're an Aries.
204
00:07:50,774 --> 00:07:52,819
So it's a bracelet
with your astrological sign.
205
00:07:52,820 --> 00:07:54,870
- [chuckles] Yes.
- So overly thoughtful.
206
00:07:54,909 --> 00:07:56,519
It was no problem at all, um...
207
00:07:56,650 --> 00:08:00,000
Hey, while I'm here,
I was thinking about
208
00:08:00,001 --> 00:08:02,350
that little thing
that you mentioned earlier.
209
00:08:02,351 --> 00:08:05,179
- That I don't like you? Yeah.
- Yeah.
210
00:08:05,180 --> 00:08:06,964
And it occurred to me,
of course,
211
00:08:07,095 --> 00:08:10,011
you don't like me because
you don't know me. Right?
212
00:08:10,012 --> 00:08:11,968
And if we just get to know
each other, you'd-
213
00:08:11,969 --> 00:08:14,144
Please let me save you
from embarrassment.
214
00:08:14,145 --> 00:08:15,364
Oh, of course. Thank you.
215
00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:17,191
The very reason
I do not like you
216
00:08:17,192 --> 00:08:18,584
is because I do know you.
217
00:08:18,585 --> 00:08:21,413
You are a people-pleaser
who uses gifts
218
00:08:21,544 --> 00:08:24,982
as currency in a doomed economy
of validation.
219
00:08:24,983 --> 00:08:26,983
Which is why you still dress
like you're eight years old
220
00:08:26,984 --> 00:08:31,467
because all you truly want
is daddy's approval.
221
00:08:31,468 --> 00:08:33,207
- Well, embarrassment saved.
- Yeah.
222
00:08:33,208 --> 00:08:34,905
You came here to please me,
223
00:08:34,992 --> 00:08:37,167
so I might tell him to love you.
224
00:08:37,168 --> 00:08:40,083
- But I'm not your mommy.
- Oh.
225
00:08:40,084 --> 00:08:43,652
I will not suckle you. Heh.
You cannot afford it.
226
00:08:43,653 --> 00:08:47,177
No, I'm here because you are
in a relationship with my daddy.
227
00:08:47,178 --> 00:08:48,832
With my dad.
228
00:08:48,963 --> 00:08:51,792
And I figured that we should
229
00:08:51,879 --> 00:08:54,577
also have a relationship.
That's all.
230
00:08:54,708 --> 00:08:56,535
Um...
231
00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:59,407
- But I'll-
- No. You know what?
232
00:08:59,408 --> 00:09:01,627
Maybe I misread you.
233
00:09:01,628 --> 00:09:03,499
- Let us start again.
- Yes.
234
00:09:03,630 --> 00:09:06,458
Would you mind giving me a hand
to prepare dinner?
235
00:09:06,589 --> 00:09:09,461
- We are making venison.
- Oh, yum.
236
00:09:09,462 --> 00:09:11,288
Yes, I would love to.
How can I help?
237
00:09:11,289 --> 00:09:12,987
[breathing heavily]
238
00:09:13,117 --> 00:09:14,597
[Maggie] Aw...
239
00:09:16,033 --> 00:09:17,948
Kill the baby.
240
00:09:18,035 --> 00:09:19,470
- Sorry?
- Uh, the fawn.
241
00:09:19,471 --> 00:09:22,736
- Kill it for dinner.
- Kill the baby fawn?
242
00:09:22,866 --> 00:09:25,564
- Yes. The big one is too tough.
- Right. And the big one is...
243
00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:27,435
- The mother. Hm.
- The mother. Right.
244
00:09:27,436 --> 00:09:29,606
I could kill the baby
in front of its mother.
245
00:09:29,612 --> 00:09:31,440
It's, um. it's reverse Bambi.
246
00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:33,484
- Right.
- Okay. Yeah. Right.
247
00:09:33,485 --> 00:09:35,399
I am a trained soldier,
you know?
248
00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:37,488
- And I am...
- Yes.
249
00:09:37,489 --> 00:09:39,491
Trained to kill the enemy. Okay.
250
00:09:39,492 --> 00:09:41,057
- [fawn squeals]
- [Maggie grunts]
251
00:09:41,058 --> 00:09:43,233
You will take the life
of this beautiful creature?
252
00:09:43,234 --> 00:09:45,366
No, I didn't want to,
but you asked. I didn't want to.
253
00:09:45,367 --> 00:09:47,673
I didn't wanna kill it. I love
Bambi. I didn't wanna do it.
254
00:09:47,674 --> 00:09:49,718
So you did it
because I asked you nicely?
255
00:09:49,719 --> 00:09:51,546
If I asked you nicely, you would
betray your own feelings
256
00:09:51,547 --> 00:09:53,722
and slaughter little Luna?
257
00:09:53,723 --> 00:09:56,812
- Oh, God. I'm sorry.
- Go home, Captain Quinn.
258
00:09:56,813 --> 00:09:57,863
Um...
259
00:09:59,381 --> 00:10:00,816
It would have been quick.
260
00:10:00,817 --> 00:10:02,427
[band music]
261
00:10:02,558 --> 00:10:05,255
[Elias] Major, I got good news.
262
00:10:05,256 --> 00:10:07,083
So I reached out
to your ex-wife Celeste.
263
00:10:07,084 --> 00:10:08,738
- You did what?
- And...
264
00:10:08,869 --> 00:10:13,133
I Face-Timed with your
beautiful ex-wife Celeste.
265
00:10:13,134 --> 00:10:17,703
Corporal, do not mistake
my kindness for weakness.
266
00:10:17,704 --> 00:10:19,880
- Don't mess with my family.
- Relax.
267
00:10:20,010 --> 00:10:25,668
Celeste and I had
very little chemistry when we...
268
00:10:25,755 --> 00:10:28,975
- [telephone ringing in distance]
- What is going on here?
269
00:10:28,976 --> 00:10:31,107
Just trying to decide which
of the 12 objects on my desk
270
00:10:31,108 --> 00:10:32,675
I will use to kill you with.
271
00:10:32,762 --> 00:10:35,330
- A pen?
- It's too fast. Mm-hmm.
272
00:10:35,460 --> 00:10:38,681
Okay, well, I spoke to Gabriel.
273
00:10:38,768 --> 00:10:40,683
- Gabriel.
- And he made you a video.
274
00:10:40,770 --> 00:10:42,598
Saying hi.
That's why I came in here.
275
00:10:42,685 --> 00:10:46,210
Sit down, please. Just one...
276
00:10:49,736 --> 00:10:51,998
Hi, Abe,
your friend convinced mom
277
00:10:51,999 --> 00:10:54,229
to let me send a message.
How is Netherlands?
278
00:10:54,230 --> 00:10:56,306
[Gabriel] I wanna show you
something I've been working on.
279
00:10:56,307 --> 00:10:58,701
Oh, he's bringing out his tuba!
280
00:10:58,788 --> 00:11:00,181
- We're in for a treat.
- Yeah.
281
00:11:00,311 --> 00:11:02,705
[tuba music]
282
00:11:02,706 --> 00:11:04,358
This is one of the best gifts
anyone's ever gotten me.
283
00:11:04,359 --> 00:11:06,142
- So thank you.
- [Terrence on video] Gabriel!
284
00:11:06,143 --> 00:11:09,538
- Time for dinner!
- Abe, I gotta go.
285
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:12,105
Terrence made us smash burgers!
286
00:11:12,106 --> 00:11:13,324
Terrence! Terrence!
287
00:11:13,455 --> 00:11:16,152
[laptop shuts]
288
00:11:16,153 --> 00:11:18,589
Who the hell is Terrence?
289
00:11:18,590 --> 00:11:21,376
You are not
going to believe this.
290
00:11:21,506 --> 00:11:24,640
Katja doesn't like me.
291
00:11:24,641 --> 00:11:26,554
- You already knew that.
- [Patrick] Yeah.
292
00:11:26,555 --> 00:11:28,164
I thought it was pretty obvious.
293
00:11:28,165 --> 00:11:29,949
- Why would it be obvious?
- I don't know.
294
00:11:29,950 --> 00:11:31,907
Look on her face
every time you enter a room.
295
00:11:31,908 --> 00:11:34,171
- That would be one clue.
- Ah.
296
00:11:34,172 --> 00:11:35,694
And you're-you're okay
with this, with the fact
297
00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:37,653
that your girlfriend hates me?
298
00:11:37,784 --> 00:11:40,003
Okay, listen.
She doesn't hate you. That...
299
00:11:40,134 --> 00:11:43,179
You know, she just doesn't
like you, you know, a lot.
300
00:11:43,180 --> 00:11:46,444
- Oh. No.
- That bothers you?
301
00:11:46,575 --> 00:11:47,968
Maybe. Yes, a lot.
302
00:11:47,969 --> 00:11:49,925
The whole army
basically hates my guts.
303
00:11:49,926 --> 00:11:51,885
- And I-I couldn't care less.
- Yeah.
304
00:11:52,015 --> 00:11:54,844
And, like, what, two people,
you know, don't...
305
00:11:54,845 --> 00:11:56,366
I shouldn't have said
two people don't like you.
306
00:11:56,367 --> 00:11:57,585
- Two people?
- [Patrick] No.
307
00:11:57,586 --> 00:11:58,804
- I'm not giving-
- What're their names?
308
00:11:58,805 --> 00:11:59,892
- I'm not...
- Tell me their names.
309
00:11:59,893 --> 00:12:02,199
I am busy sucking it up,
getting ready
310
00:12:02,330 --> 00:12:05,027
to get myself
to Katja's Christmas dinner.
311
00:12:05,028 --> 00:12:06,942
I don't remember
you ever sucking it up
312
00:12:06,943 --> 00:12:09,423
for any of my Christmases
growing up.
313
00:12:09,424 --> 00:12:11,251
You know why?
Didn't have a strategy.
314
00:12:11,252 --> 00:12:12,992
If you think about it,
these parties, the dinners,
315
00:12:12,993 --> 00:12:14,863
all of it,
it's like a land war, right?
316
00:12:14,864 --> 00:12:17,127
- Hm.
- What solves that? Tanks.
317
00:12:17,214 --> 00:12:22,002
So I am taking the tank
to her Christmas dinner.
318
00:12:22,003 --> 00:12:24,177
Wait, is this a metaphor,
or are you actually
319
00:12:24,178 --> 00:12:25,570
bringing a tank to a party?
320
00:12:25,571 --> 00:12:27,006
Yes. Can you believe
it took me this long?
321
00:12:27,007 --> 00:12:29,009
To come up
with that concept? Tsk.
322
00:12:29,139 --> 00:12:31,794
[Abraham] This Terrence guy,
he just shows up in my
323
00:12:31,795 --> 00:12:32,968
family's life, and I don't know
anything about it.
324
00:12:32,969 --> 00:12:36,233
Nobody even talks to me
about this? Terrence.
325
00:12:36,234 --> 00:12:38,191
What kind of a guy
has a name like Terrence?
326
00:12:38,192 --> 00:12:42,022
Terrance McDowell.
Sorry, man. That's a hot name.
327
00:12:42,023 --> 00:12:44,066
How do I know that this guy
is safe to be around?
328
00:12:44,067 --> 00:12:46,416
He could be like a killer
or a thief,
329
00:12:46,417 --> 00:12:48,679
or one of those cartoonists who
are really good at their job,
330
00:12:48,680 --> 00:12:51,596
but they also draw your flaws
in, like, a really mean way.
331
00:12:51,683 --> 00:12:53,073
- [Elias] Hm.
- Find out more.
332
00:12:53,074 --> 00:12:54,903
Well, that's kind of the problem
because
333
00:12:54,904 --> 00:12:57,134
this guy has, like,
zero digital footprint.
334
00:12:57,135 --> 00:13:00,082
Okay, there's this Facebook
profile that he deleted in 2011
335
00:13:00,083 --> 00:13:02,171
where he lists
his favorite band as Train.
336
00:13:02,172 --> 00:13:04,174
[Abraham grunting]
337
00:13:04,261 --> 00:13:05,959
Ah!
338
00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:08,047
- [clatters]
- [Abraham] I love my stepson.
339
00:13:08,048 --> 00:13:10,528
I can't stand idly by
and let him meet Virginia.
340
00:13:10,529 --> 00:13:13,443
Anything more would require,
like, a security clearance
341
00:13:13,444 --> 00:13:16,012
above you. Even the colonel.
342
00:13:17,405 --> 00:13:18,885
But not General Davidson.
343
00:13:21,626 --> 00:13:23,759
[singing in foreign language]
344
00:13:23,846 --> 00:13:25,934
? Fa-la la-la-la la-la la-la ?
345
00:13:25,935 --> 00:13:28,415
Ho-ho-ho!
And what do you want from Santa?
346
00:13:28,416 --> 00:13:31,201
For him to authorize
347
00:13:31,202 --> 00:13:33,507
domestic surveillance
of an American citizen.
348
00:13:33,508 --> 00:13:35,901
More specifically, my soon-to-be
ex-wife's new boyfriend.
349
00:13:35,902 --> 00:13:37,946
- That's a hell of an ask, major.
- Nah.
350
00:13:37,947 --> 00:13:42,560
And that boy asked
for a body pillow for humping?
351
00:13:42,691 --> 00:13:44,692
It's your fateful companionship.
352
00:13:44,693 --> 00:13:46,128
Geert, if you were a dog,
353
00:13:46,129 --> 00:13:47,826
they would have neutered you
for less.
354
00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:49,306
Mm-hmm.
355
00:13:49,437 --> 00:13:50,568
[knocking on door]
356
00:13:53,223 --> 00:13:54,790
I am confused.
357
00:13:54,877 --> 00:13:57,445
- Why are you upon my doorstep?
- Oh.
358
00:13:57,446 --> 00:13:59,098
I'm crashing your party, uninvited.
359
00:13:59,099 --> 00:14:01,579
- Do you like that?
- No, I do not like that.
360
00:14:01,710 --> 00:14:05,105
Oh, good.
You're gonna love this. No gift.
361
00:14:05,235 --> 00:14:08,804
Would a people-pleaser
crash a party with no gift?
362
00:14:08,891 --> 00:14:11,807
[scoffs]
I don't think so. Heh-heh.
363
00:14:11,808 --> 00:14:13,547
But I am, I am gonna need you
to take this
364
00:14:13,548 --> 00:14:15,245
since I am not an animal.
365
00:14:15,332 --> 00:14:18,596
So just take that,
and I'm gonna crash this way.
366
00:14:18,683 --> 00:14:20,555
Merry Christmas, y'all!
367
00:14:20,685 --> 00:14:22,730
[indistinct chatter]
368
00:14:22,731 --> 00:14:26,953
Everyone,
this is Captain Margaret Quinn.
369
00:14:27,083 --> 00:14:29,477
- Hi.
- She is Patrick's daughter.
370
00:14:29,564 --> 00:14:31,000
She was not invited.
371
00:14:33,437 --> 00:14:36,657
Hi, everyone, um, I'm just here
to prove to Katja
372
00:14:36,658 --> 00:14:40,836
that I am not a people-pleaser.
I don't care if Katja likes me.
373
00:14:40,837 --> 00:14:42,532
Actually, don't care
if any of you guys like me.
374
00:14:42,533 --> 00:14:44,534
[indistinct chatter]
375
00:14:44,535 --> 00:14:47,060
- That's super look.
- Dana.
376
00:14:47,061 --> 00:14:48,669
- What are you doing here?
- I was invited.
377
00:14:48,670 --> 00:14:51,629
- [chuckles]
- Fantastic!
378
00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:54,023
- [indistinct chatter]
- Everyone.
379
00:14:54,154 --> 00:14:57,591
Uh, dinner will be served
very shortly.
380
00:14:57,592 --> 00:14:59,985
Ah, raw meat. Disgusting.
381
00:14:59,986 --> 00:15:02,727
- It's gourmetten.
- Gourmetten.
382
00:15:02,858 --> 00:15:04,598
- Gourmetten.
- Yeah.
383
00:15:04,599 --> 00:15:06,296
Yes, we grill our food.
384
00:15:06,427 --> 00:15:09,559
So we have to cook it
before we eat it. Oh, God.
385
00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:14,087
Are we guests at this dinner
or are we working it? Heh.
386
00:15:14,174 --> 00:15:16,262
No wonder
she didn't get invited.
387
00:15:16,263 --> 00:15:18,439
- The whole spread is, uh...
- Beautiful.
388
00:15:18,569 --> 00:15:20,658
Bad. Yuck.
389
00:15:20,789 --> 00:15:24,226
[chuckles]
You are a little baby.
390
00:15:24,227 --> 00:15:26,054
Now you go find your father
and tell him
391
00:15:26,055 --> 00:15:29,014
he cannot let his little baby
wander around my party.
392
00:15:29,015 --> 00:15:31,799
[instrumental "The First Noel"]
393
00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:33,757
- Oh, hey. Uh-huh!
- Hey.
394
00:15:33,758 --> 00:15:37,022
I get it. This is the tank.
395
00:15:37,023 --> 00:15:39,808
Every terrestrial campaign
has been won by armor,
396
00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:41,897
including this one tonight.
397
00:15:41,898 --> 00:15:44,072
I've never seen you drink
white wine in my life.
398
00:15:44,073 --> 00:15:46,510
Oh, no, this is 90% vodka,
'cause...
399
00:15:46,511 --> 00:15:48,816
Otherwise, I'm gonna kill
somebody out there. I need...
400
00:15:48,817 --> 00:15:49,991
Oh!
- Here you are, colonel.
401
00:15:49,992 --> 00:15:52,908
Beatrix, you found me again.
Heh-heh.
402
00:15:52,909 --> 00:15:54,387
Beatrix was telling me for, um,
403
00:15:54,388 --> 00:15:58,000
for a long time
about how she makes chairs
404
00:15:58,001 --> 00:16:00,393
that are uncomfortable
for people to sit in. Yeah.
405
00:16:00,394 --> 00:16:03,701
Human comfort is not the reason
for an object to exist.
406
00:16:03,702 --> 00:16:05,528
It is the reason
chairs exist, though.
407
00:16:05,529 --> 00:16:07,313
You know, my foot's killing me,
I'm gonna go in the kitchen
408
00:16:07,314 --> 00:16:09,576
and take some aspirin. And,
uh- No, no, you should stay.
409
00:16:09,577 --> 00:16:11,447
This is a very interesting
conversation. I can't...
410
00:16:11,448 --> 00:16:12,753
- You can't?
- Because my foot hurts. Yeah.
411
00:16:12,754 --> 00:16:14,495
Make a hole. There we go.
412
00:16:14,625 --> 00:16:16,888
Ah. Ah, you got me again.
413
00:16:16,889 --> 00:16:18,759
I think you didn't hear me
the first time.
414
00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:20,805
Excuse me, make a hole!
415
00:16:22,285 --> 00:16:24,287
- Move! Move it.
- I should probably...
416
00:16:24,418 --> 00:16:27,160
When I place my butt
on Beatrix's chairs,
417
00:16:27,290 --> 00:16:30,685
the beating life
of its creators enters me.
418
00:16:30,815 --> 00:16:33,818
Well, I wish I had a tank.
419
00:16:36,604 --> 00:16:38,562
Oh, it is exhausting
420
00:16:38,563 --> 00:16:40,433
being that rude. I don't know
how you do it all the time.
421
00:16:40,434 --> 00:16:43,393
- It takes years of practice.
- What are you doing?
422
00:16:43,524 --> 00:16:46,830
Feeling, like, boxed in.
Like, I need an escape plan.
423
00:16:46,831 --> 00:16:49,312
Here it is. Okay, you take that.
424
00:16:49,313 --> 00:16:51,226
You're gonna cut off
one of my fingers.
425
00:16:51,227 --> 00:16:53,924
Why does everyone
keep handing me knives?
426
00:16:53,925 --> 00:16:55,405
Here we go. Let's go, pinky.
427
00:16:55,406 --> 00:16:57,276
It's good for both of us
'cause you'll have to take me
428
00:16:57,277 --> 00:16:58,886
to the hospital.
We'll both get out of here.
429
00:16:58,887 --> 00:17:00,715
- No, you wish.
- Very disappointing.
430
00:17:00,845 --> 00:17:03,065
So you did cut off your pinky
in 1994.
431
00:17:03,196 --> 00:17:05,893
- Yes, this one.
- I knew it!
432
00:17:05,894 --> 00:17:07,068
You know, you're always
on this thing about,
433
00:17:07,069 --> 00:17:09,157
like, we're not close enough and
434
00:17:09,158 --> 00:17:11,028
blah, blah, blah,
do stuff together.
435
00:17:11,029 --> 00:17:12,508
Can I have
some of the vodka wine?
436
00:17:12,509 --> 00:17:13,640
Yeah, it's strapped under
437
00:17:13,641 --> 00:17:14,691
my scooter.
438
00:17:14,959 --> 00:17:18,253
[sighs] There's not enough
vodka wine
439
00:17:18,254 --> 00:17:20,342
in the world
to numb me to these morons.
440
00:17:20,343 --> 00:17:22,475
Beatrix followed me around
for 20 minutes lecturing me
441
00:17:22,476 --> 00:17:25,173
about how ottomans
aren't just backless chairs.
442
00:17:25,174 --> 00:17:26,870
- Like, I need to know that.
- I don't get it.
443
00:17:26,871 --> 00:17:29,743
Why don't you just tell Katja
that you hate it, and leave?
444
00:17:29,744 --> 00:17:33,095
No. You don't tell the truth
in a situation like this.
445
00:17:33,096 --> 00:17:34,704
What are you, nuts?
Here's what we could do.
446
00:17:34,705 --> 00:17:37,142
You could step it up a notch,
cause a scene.
447
00:17:37,143 --> 00:17:38,708
You could cut
one of your fingers off.
448
00:17:38,709 --> 00:17:41,886
You want me to ruin Christmas?
449
00:17:41,973 --> 00:17:45,498
I'm not doing this anymore,
and I'm not gonna be unlikable
450
00:17:45,499 --> 00:17:48,631
just for one person to like me.
451
00:17:48,632 --> 00:17:51,282
- I'm gonna go save Christmas.
- All right, I'm coming.
452
00:17:51,283 --> 00:17:53,245
I'm gonna save this Christmas
so hard.
453
00:17:53,246 --> 00:17:54,507
Wrong leg.
454
00:17:54,508 --> 00:17:56,204
[Abraham] Thanks again
for helping with this, general.
455
00:17:56,205 --> 00:17:58,195
Honestly, Shah,
I sympathize with you.
456
00:17:58,294 --> 00:18:00,284
I mean, all my exes
have new boyfriends
457
00:18:00,285 --> 00:18:01,818
and they all look like
the next bachelor
458
00:18:01,819 --> 00:18:03,733
and not the golden ones.
459
00:18:03,734 --> 00:18:07,086
All right, what did I miss
on this Train-loving clown?
460
00:18:09,175 --> 00:18:12,394
- You're in the army?
- Oh, yeah.
461
00:18:12,395 --> 00:18:15,833
Sorry, I got sick
of hiding in the closet
462
00:18:15,964 --> 00:18:17,400
and I ran out of chili, so...
463
00:18:17,531 --> 00:18:21,534
[chuckles] You must drive
the colonel insane!
464
00:18:21,535 --> 00:18:24,494
- I live in his head rent-free.
- Ha! I love it.
465
00:18:24,625 --> 00:18:27,757
Santa is going to give you
all the cookies you can eat.
466
00:18:27,758 --> 00:18:29,934
- [laughs] Shah.
- Uh...
467
00:18:30,065 --> 00:18:32,763
We, uh, input the coordinates,
468
00:18:32,894 --> 00:18:35,548
we use the eye in the sky,
469
00:18:35,549 --> 00:18:38,464
and we watch your ex's house.
470
00:18:38,465 --> 00:18:40,553
Okay, just to make sure they're
in good hands, that's all.
471
00:18:40,554 --> 00:18:42,991
[Davidson] Ah, we have a visual.
472
00:18:42,992 --> 00:18:44,122
[Abraham]
They're having a catch.
473
00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:47,125
- Hm.
- Gabriel seems fine.
474
00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:49,606
Yeah, he's doing okay.
All right.
475
00:18:49,607 --> 00:18:52,260
- I may have overreacted.
- [Elias] Well, you miss him.
476
00:18:52,261 --> 00:18:54,959
[Elias] And he misses you, too.
And so does Celeste.
477
00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:56,438
'Cause I took it upon myself
to send her
478
00:18:56,439 --> 00:18:58,746
a series of very flirtatious
messages,
479
00:18:58,833 --> 00:19:00,182
hitting on her super hard.
480
00:19:00,313 --> 00:19:03,053
She didn't bite. Not one bit.
481
00:19:03,054 --> 00:19:05,012
Okay, what are you doing
with Celeste in your...
482
00:19:05,013 --> 00:19:07,623
Okay, this isn't even about me
and her, but, yeah, I'll call
483
00:19:07,624 --> 00:19:09,625
her and I'll ask if I can
start Face-Timing with Gabriel.
484
00:19:09,626 --> 00:19:11,366
- Perfect.
- You're welcome.
485
00:19:11,367 --> 00:19:12,411
Stop texting my exes.
486
00:19:12,412 --> 00:19:14,369
I'm not
gonna stop texting Stacy.
487
00:19:14,370 --> 00:19:16,371
- Wait, Stacy from summer camp?
- Yeah.
488
00:19:16,372 --> 00:19:19,374
Her marriage is hanging on
by a thread.
489
00:19:19,375 --> 00:19:20,941
- Tok.
- Okay.
490
00:19:20,942 --> 00:19:22,203
[indistinct chatter]
491
00:19:22,204 --> 00:19:26,251
Oh. Ha-ha. Excuse me, everybody.
492
00:19:26,252 --> 00:19:28,341
- I would like to make a toast...
- Ahem.
493
00:19:28,428 --> 00:19:31,212
That there are so many
different walks of life
494
00:19:31,213 --> 00:19:33,823
represented around this table.
495
00:19:33,824 --> 00:19:34,955
- Mm-hmm. And chairs.
- Oh.
496
00:19:34,956 --> 00:19:37,350
Yes, Beatrix, and chairs.
497
00:19:37,351 --> 00:19:39,829
Isn't that the meaning
of-of Twice Christmas,
498
00:19:39,830 --> 00:19:44,444
having a second chance
to gather in peace and harmony
499
00:19:44,531 --> 00:19:47,054
around this beautiful meal,
around this table?
500
00:19:47,055 --> 00:19:48,882
- [sizzles]
- Oh, Maggie!
501
00:19:48,883 --> 00:19:50,013
- Oh, God.
- Oh, my God.
502
00:19:50,014 --> 00:19:52,278
- Ah... Oh.
- Oh, I told you.
503
00:19:52,408 --> 00:19:54,409
- You have got to stop drinking.
- What is...
504
00:19:54,410 --> 00:19:56,324
I'm gonna take her
to the hospital.
505
00:19:56,325 --> 00:19:58,544
And then to the rehab center.
You did a great job.
506
00:19:58,545 --> 00:20:00,110
- I did not do this on purpose.
- Okay.
507
00:20:00,111 --> 00:20:02,375
- I will take her.
- What?
508
00:20:02,505 --> 00:20:05,507
I understand the bureaucracies
of social medicine.
509
00:20:05,508 --> 00:20:07,422
I'll drive both you guys
to the hospital, then, and...
510
00:20:07,423 --> 00:20:09,294
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [Katja] No!
511
00:20:09,295 --> 00:20:11,339
You must stay, it's your
first Twice Christmas.
512
00:20:11,340 --> 00:20:13,907
I don't want you
to cut off your jubilation.
513
00:20:13,908 --> 00:20:15,865
- Come on, baby.
- Okay. No, I'm...
514
00:20:15,866 --> 00:20:19,696
- Happy Christmas, everybody.
- [Katja] Twice. Twice Christmas.
515
00:20:19,827 --> 00:20:22,438
Yeah, forget it. I don't know
about you guys, but...
516
00:20:22,569 --> 00:20:24,266
[sighs]
517
00:20:25,528 --> 00:20:27,530
Here's to jubilation.
518
00:20:27,661 --> 00:20:29,471
[instrumental
"Joy To The World"]
519
00:20:30,925 --> 00:20:32,927
You don't have to wait with me.
520
00:20:33,057 --> 00:20:34,884
I know you do not like me.
521
00:20:34,885 --> 00:20:38,714
And you don't have to pretend to
just 'cause I'm, uh, injured.
522
00:20:38,715 --> 00:20:40,587
I did not like you.
523
00:20:40,717 --> 00:20:43,307
And you are a people-pleaser
who craves attention.
524
00:20:43,329 --> 00:20:46,592
But you were also a crazy woman
525
00:20:46,593 --> 00:20:49,160
at my Twice Christmas dinner.
I like that.
526
00:20:49,161 --> 00:20:51,379
Some of my favorite people
are a little bit crazy.
527
00:20:51,380 --> 00:20:54,644
- Oh. Yeah.
- Your father. My lover Julia.
528
00:20:54,775 --> 00:20:58,300
Although we don't say crazy.
She's diagnosed bipolar.
529
00:20:58,431 --> 00:21:01,782
Well, what I'm hearing is that
530
00:21:01,912 --> 00:21:03,523
I'm one of your favorite people.
531
00:21:03,653 --> 00:21:06,003
Oh, not even close.
532
00:21:06,134 --> 00:21:08,918
But you owned your insanity.
533
00:21:08,919 --> 00:21:11,270
- Ah.
- I like you 13% more.
534
00:21:13,750 --> 00:21:14,882
Yes!
535
00:21:16,013 --> 00:21:17,537
Next year it'll be 20.
536
00:21:19,974 --> 00:21:22,584
Tables come
in a variety of sizes.
537
00:21:22,585 --> 00:21:24,412
Yeah, but it's not really
about the size of the table.
538
00:21:24,413 --> 00:21:25,544
More like the size of the room.
539
00:21:25,545 --> 00:21:27,110
[Beatrix] Especially once you
introduce
540
00:21:27,111 --> 00:21:28,243
the concept of shapes.
541
00:21:28,244 --> 00:21:29,287
[man] Yeah, which you must.
542
00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:30,593
- You absolutely-
- Oh.
543
00:21:30,724 --> 00:21:34,335
Shut up with the shapes!
544
00:21:34,336 --> 00:21:38,426
That's it. I'm out! I've had it.
545
00:21:38,427 --> 00:21:41,777
That's right. Yeah, I can walk.
It's a Christmas miracle.
546
00:21:41,778 --> 00:21:44,171
Ooh, God bless us, everyone.
547
00:21:44,172 --> 00:21:46,261
Except you, with the weird hat.
548
00:21:46,262 --> 00:21:47,957
We know you have
an oddly-shaped head.
549
00:21:47,958 --> 00:21:50,133
You can go to furniture hell.
Oh, wait a minute.
550
00:21:50,134 --> 00:21:52,267
We're in it! Ha-ha-ha.
551
00:21:52,354 --> 00:21:54,400
[children] It's going so well!
552
00:21:54,450 --> 00:21:59,000
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