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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,523 --> 00:00:02,573 Let's go. 2 00:00:02,574 --> 00:00:03,828 - Doc. 3 00:00:03,829 --> 00:00:04,786 She has no recollection 4 00:00:04,787 --> 00:00:05,787 of the last eight years. 5 00:00:05,788 --> 00:00:06,788 Bring it on. 6 00:00:06,789 --> 00:00:07,832 I came here to help you. 7 00:00:07,833 --> 00:00:08,973 "Kitchen Nightmares � 8 00:00:08,974 --> 00:00:09,834 Are you in. 9 00:00:09,835 --> 00:00:11,315 And �Going Dutch � 10 00:00:11,316 --> 00:00:12,489 Pew pew pew. 11 00:00:12,490 --> 00:00:13,882 First guns I've seen on the base. 12 00:00:13,883 --> 00:00:14,622 Let's go, let's go. 13 00:00:14,623 --> 00:00:16,233 All available now. 14 00:00:16,234 --> 00:00:19,061 - [indistinct chatter] - [woman] Oh. 15 00:00:19,062 --> 00:00:21,499 ? Jingle bells jingle bells 16 00:00:21,630 --> 00:00:23,284 [singing in foreign language] 17 00:00:23,371 --> 00:00:26,112 - [window opens] - [Patrick] Hey, you. Boy. 18 00:00:26,113 --> 00:00:28,505 - What the hell is goin' on? - It's Christmas, sir. 19 00:00:28,506 --> 00:00:30,639 No, it's not. It's the middle of spring. 20 00:00:30,640 --> 00:00:32,335 And why are you talking like that? 21 00:00:32,336 --> 00:00:34,903 I'm Tiny Tim from A Christmas Carol. 22 00:00:34,904 --> 00:00:37,298 - We're performing it today. - Yeah? 23 00:00:37,299 --> 00:00:39,299 You better work on that limp 'cause I ain't buying it for 24 00:00:39,300 --> 00:00:42,738 a second, pal. You're not limping, you're just hopping. 25 00:00:42,739 --> 00:00:45,696 [Jan] An orange if you've been a good little soldier girl. 26 00:00:45,697 --> 00:00:48,047 Mm-hmm. Now go and decorate the tree, of course. 27 00:00:48,135 --> 00:00:51,181 Ooh, tell me, colonel, have you been a good boy? 28 00:00:51,182 --> 00:00:53,226 - What the hell's going on? - Oh, you don't know? 29 00:00:53,227 --> 00:00:55,229 - No. - During Second World War... 30 00:00:55,230 --> 00:00:56,925 Stroopsdorf couldn't celebrate Christmas 31 00:00:56,926 --> 00:00:58,970 because we were under enemy occupation. 32 00:00:58,971 --> 00:01:01,408 - Uh-huh. You're welcome by the- - And after we got liberated... 33 00:01:01,409 --> 00:01:03,758 We decided to celebrate in spring instead. 34 00:01:03,759 --> 00:01:07,544 So now we celebrate Christmas twice a year. Twice Christmas. 35 00:01:07,545 --> 00:01:09,595 Wh-why are you dressed like a real Pope? 36 00:01:09,678 --> 00:01:13,768 I'm Dutch Father Christmas, known as Sinterklaas, 37 00:01:13,769 --> 00:01:15,770 a svelte man who travels from Madrid 38 00:01:15,771 --> 00:01:17,686 in a tugboat full of oranges 39 00:01:17,773 --> 00:01:20,558 just to put candy in little children's boots. 40 00:01:20,645 --> 00:01:23,235 So let me get this straight, you're a fruit peddler 41 00:01:23,257 --> 00:01:25,346 who's got a foot fetish. Is that the idea? 42 00:01:25,476 --> 00:01:28,218 At least it's not as idiotic as your Santa Claus, 43 00:01:28,349 --> 00:01:31,569 that grinning mascot for your country's obesity and the whore 44 00:01:31,700 --> 00:01:34,268 to your corporations. Yes, I said it, a whore. 45 00:01:34,269 --> 00:01:36,530 I'm gonna give you literally three seconds to 46 00:01:36,531 --> 00:01:38,271 disappear, or I'm gonna hit you in the head with an- 47 00:01:38,272 --> 00:01:40,186 - Colonel, it's Twice Christmas. - Yeah. 48 00:01:40,187 --> 00:01:41,100 And I'm gonna hit you twice as hard. 49 00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:42,971 [Jan] No, colonel, are you crazy? 50 00:01:42,972 --> 00:01:44,713 - Ah... - No, don't do it! Ah! 51 00:01:44,843 --> 00:01:46,367 It's-it's Christmas. Ah! 52 00:01:46,497 --> 00:01:49,370 [theme music] 53 00:01:51,502 --> 00:01:53,416 [instrumental music] 54 00:01:53,417 --> 00:01:54,939 [Jan] Oh, colonel, no. Please be a good boy. 55 00:01:54,940 --> 00:01:57,028 Ah, colonel. Ah, ah... 56 00:01:57,029 --> 00:01:59,030 [screams] Maggie. Ah, ah! 57 00:01:59,031 --> 00:02:00,598 [Maggie] Jan, are you okay? 58 00:02:00,729 --> 00:02:02,165 - Help me. - What happened? 59 00:02:02,296 --> 00:02:04,950 Your father was throwing oranges at me. 60 00:02:05,037 --> 00:02:07,083 I've never seen him so brutal. 61 00:02:07,214 --> 00:02:11,260 I should have known. My father despises Christmas. 62 00:02:11,261 --> 00:02:13,872 Ruined every single one till I was, like, 16. 63 00:02:14,003 --> 00:02:17,397 The day after Thanksgiving when the decorations went up, 64 00:02:17,398 --> 00:02:21,184 that was, that was my Black Friday. 65 00:02:21,185 --> 00:02:22,358 I'm pretty sure that's everyone's 66 00:02:22,359 --> 00:02:23,316 Black Friday, but, yeah. 67 00:02:23,317 --> 00:02:25,101 It's gonna be everyone here's 68 00:02:25,188 --> 00:02:27,190 Black Tuesday unless I stop him 69 00:02:27,321 --> 00:02:30,149 because he will cancel Twice Christmas. 70 00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:33,195 He will take away Christmas 71 00:02:33,196 --> 00:02:35,329 like the fussy green grump of legend. 72 00:02:35,330 --> 00:02:37,373 There is no amount of boo-hooing from Whoville 73 00:02:37,374 --> 00:02:39,419 that's gonna make his heart grow any bigger. 74 00:02:39,420 --> 00:02:41,900 He already takes pills for that, so... 75 00:02:42,031 --> 00:02:43,205 [Christmas music] 76 00:02:43,206 --> 00:02:46,296 - Perfect. - Be careful with that. 77 00:02:46,297 --> 00:02:48,428 [Abraham] General. Colonel. I didn't know you'd be here. 78 00:02:48,429 --> 00:02:50,473 Also, as a quick follow-up, why are you here? 79 00:02:50,474 --> 00:02:52,128 I admit I'm a man of basic tastes. 80 00:02:52,259 --> 00:02:55,086 I like Michael Buble, chicken teriyaki, 81 00:02:55,087 --> 00:02:56,175 the films of Ron Howard. 82 00:02:56,176 --> 00:03:00,789 But most of all, I love Christmas. 83 00:03:00,876 --> 00:03:03,095 And this is the only place on Earth 84 00:03:03,096 --> 00:03:04,444 where you can get it twice! 85 00:03:04,445 --> 00:03:06,402 I come here every year. 86 00:03:06,403 --> 00:03:08,448 And if I'm a lucky boy, 87 00:03:08,449 --> 00:03:11,625 Santa may make an appearance today. 88 00:03:11,626 --> 00:03:13,062 Ha-ha! 89 00:03:14,019 --> 00:03:15,846 Okay, I thought you were joking. 90 00:03:15,847 --> 00:03:19,460 - And the joke would be? - General... 91 00:03:19,547 --> 00:03:22,505 I got your new fit, and it is fire. 92 00:03:22,506 --> 00:03:24,420 Let's just say my guy in Prague knows his way around 93 00:03:24,421 --> 00:03:26,467 crushed red velvet and white fur. 94 00:03:26,554 --> 00:03:30,339 - So you're Santa. - I can neither confirm nor deny. 95 00:03:30,340 --> 00:03:33,124 But I can say Santa and I have never been seen 96 00:03:33,125 --> 00:03:35,476 in the same room together. 97 00:03:35,606 --> 00:03:36,656 [band music] 98 00:03:36,657 --> 00:03:40,610 Listen up, I am sick of you always ruining Christmas, 99 00:03:40,611 --> 00:03:43,701 and I am not gonna let you Scrooge us over. 100 00:03:43,832 --> 00:03:45,702 - Ho-ho-ho. What? - Oh, my God! 101 00:03:45,703 --> 00:03:50,055 - I can't say ho anymore? - You look, um, festive. 102 00:03:50,142 --> 00:03:53,320 I decided to join in the fun. 103 00:03:53,450 --> 00:03:55,582 Is there a gun pointing at you right now? 104 00:03:55,583 --> 00:03:59,587 Just a gun of intimate moments and sexual compatibility. 105 00:03:59,717 --> 00:04:02,198 - It's starting to make sense. - [Patrick] Mm-hmm. 106 00:04:02,329 --> 00:04:04,940 Yeah, your father had reservations at first. 107 00:04:05,070 --> 00:04:06,580 - Mm... - But upon my explanation... 108 00:04:06,637 --> 00:04:08,987 He understood the holiday's importance 109 00:04:09,118 --> 00:04:12,513 and agreed to join in tonight for my Twice Christmas party. 110 00:04:12,514 --> 00:04:13,687 - Mm. - [Katja] So... 111 00:04:13,688 --> 00:04:15,516 We are looking forward to 112 00:04:15,517 --> 00:04:17,299 celebrating our first Christmas dinner 113 00:04:17,300 --> 00:04:20,608 as girlfriend and boyfriend. 114 00:04:20,738 --> 00:04:23,175 - Girlfriend and boyfriend? - [Patrick] Yes. 115 00:04:23,306 --> 00:04:25,308 - Is that a problem? - No. 116 00:04:25,395 --> 00:04:28,659 I'm just, uh, not used to the concept. 117 00:04:28,746 --> 00:04:32,446 Oh. Maybe try blow-drying your hair. 118 00:04:32,576 --> 00:04:36,537 No, I, I meant, um, in, in relation to, to him. 119 00:04:36,667 --> 00:04:39,191 I have heard my dad referred to as a husband, 120 00:04:39,192 --> 00:04:41,628 an ex-husband, uh, a phone number that I called 121 00:04:41,629 --> 00:04:43,717 to have a strange woman answer, "Is this one of your whores?" 122 00:04:43,718 --> 00:04:46,546 - [chuckles] - This is new for me as well. 123 00:04:46,547 --> 00:04:49,680 But things have progressed to a point 124 00:04:49,811 --> 00:04:53,727 that we decided to, as you say, make it official... 125 00:04:53,728 --> 00:04:55,337 [chuckles] by elevating him 126 00:04:55,338 --> 00:04:58,776 to the lead lover in my stable of men. 127 00:04:58,863 --> 00:05:01,649 - Number one with a bullet. - Okay, I'm gonna, um... 128 00:05:01,650 --> 00:05:03,606 - [clears throat] Head out. - Where you going? 129 00:05:03,607 --> 00:05:05,782 - Some stuff to, um, throw up. - [Patrick] Okay. 130 00:05:05,783 --> 00:05:08,786 - She is so repressed. - I know. It's her mom. 131 00:05:08,917 --> 00:05:09,967 [door opens] 132 00:05:11,572 --> 00:05:13,443 - [Elias] Hey, major. - Hey. Hey. 133 00:05:13,444 --> 00:05:14,748 Looked like you were just about to cry. 134 00:05:14,749 --> 00:05:16,925 No, I'm good. What are you doing here? 135 00:05:16,926 --> 00:05:19,187 Part of the deal I have with the colonel for not kicking me 136 00:05:19,188 --> 00:05:21,669 out of the army for being this awesome 137 00:05:21,670 --> 00:05:23,670 is that I have to keep my awesomeness hidden 138 00:05:23,671 --> 00:05:25,759 when General Davidson is here. So I sit in here. 139 00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:28,022 Make all-day chili and eat it all day. 140 00:05:28,023 --> 00:05:29,415 [Abraham] Hm. 141 00:05:29,416 --> 00:05:31,199 Why are you hiding in the kitchen? 142 00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:33,027 I can't take any more of this Twice Christmas. 143 00:05:33,028 --> 00:05:34,376 It's like once is enough, right? 144 00:05:34,377 --> 00:05:36,597 - Hm, okay. - Staying up all night. 145 00:05:36,684 --> 00:05:40,034 Wrapping presents for your stepson, drinking Santa's milk, 146 00:05:40,035 --> 00:05:44,995 googling how do reindeer eat to best mimic carrot bites. 147 00:05:44,996 --> 00:05:46,867 But then his mom and you split up, and 148 00:05:46,868 --> 00:05:48,825 all you're left with are memories that taunt you. 149 00:05:48,826 --> 00:05:50,326 I didn't know you got a stepson. 150 00:05:50,327 --> 00:05:51,785 - Well, I had a stepson. - Okay. 151 00:05:51,786 --> 00:05:53,917 I'm gonna need you to stop there. I'm sorry, man. 152 00:05:53,918 --> 00:05:56,398 I have this weird thing where I get super bummed when I hear 153 00:05:56,399 --> 00:05:57,748 - about dead kids. - What? 154 00:05:57,749 --> 00:05:59,270 It's like how some people hate the word moist. 155 00:05:59,271 --> 00:06:00,359 - I know, but- - No, he's not dead! 156 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:02,056 What are you talking about? 157 00:06:02,057 --> 00:06:03,623 No, I just can't talk to him right now 158 00:06:03,624 --> 00:06:04,972 because his mom and I are mid-divorce... 159 00:06:04,973 --> 00:06:06,670 Oh, thank God. 160 00:06:06,801 --> 00:06:08,193 Well, like your ex-wife, 161 00:06:08,324 --> 00:06:10,020 I'm gonna need some space 162 00:06:10,021 --> 00:06:11,892 because there's a part of all-day chili 163 00:06:11,893 --> 00:06:13,850 where I end up needing to do something else all day. 164 00:06:13,851 --> 00:06:15,635 Okay, say no more, I'm gonna go to my office and watch 165 00:06:15,636 --> 00:06:17,419 one of those devastating photo montages 166 00:06:17,420 --> 00:06:19,291 that my phone sends me every day. 167 00:06:19,422 --> 00:06:21,423 - Mm-hmm. Okay. - [Abraham] Yeah. 168 00:06:21,424 --> 00:06:22,686 [farts] 169 00:06:22,687 --> 00:06:24,295 I might chase myself out of here 170 00:06:24,296 --> 00:06:26,341 if there's another like that in the chamber. 171 00:06:26,342 --> 00:06:28,649 Katja! Katja! Katja! Katja! 172 00:06:28,650 --> 00:06:30,432 You didn't hear me. I was like, "Katja! Katja!" 173 00:06:30,433 --> 00:06:32,303 - Oh, that was you? - Uh... 174 00:06:32,304 --> 00:06:35,481 I just wanted to say thank you so much. 175 00:06:35,482 --> 00:06:38,702 Oh, please. The blow-dryer was just a suggestion. 176 00:06:38,833 --> 00:06:42,097 - But you should take it. - Oh, I, I meant... 177 00:06:42,227 --> 00:06:43,707 Actually, thank you for 178 00:06:43,838 --> 00:06:46,580 getting my dad on board with Twice Christmas. 179 00:06:46,710 --> 00:06:49,234 Oh, it was nothing. Have a nice day. 180 00:06:49,321 --> 00:06:52,759 He's always the worst with Christmas. 181 00:06:52,760 --> 00:06:54,282 One year he actually cut off his finger 182 00:06:54,283 --> 00:06:56,893 to get out of Christmas dinner, which he said was an accident. 183 00:06:56,894 --> 00:06:59,724 - But I knew was not the case. - Why are you telling me this? 184 00:06:59,854 --> 00:07:04,380 Because I promise to do my best to wrangle him tonight. 185 00:07:04,467 --> 00:07:06,207 - Tonight? - Yes, at the party. 186 00:07:06,208 --> 00:07:08,123 I'll keep him in check. 187 00:07:08,253 --> 00:07:11,169 Oh, that's so kind of you, but unnecessary 188 00:07:11,300 --> 00:07:12,692 since you're not invited. 189 00:07:12,693 --> 00:07:15,521 I'm so sorry, I didn't know, uh, that 190 00:07:15,522 --> 00:07:17,523 it was like a-an intimate affair. 191 00:07:17,524 --> 00:07:19,569 - It's actually quite large. - Oh. 192 00:07:19,700 --> 00:07:22,442 I just did not invite you because I do not like you. 193 00:07:24,748 --> 00:07:25,923 Happy Twice Christmas. 194 00:07:26,054 --> 00:07:27,751 [band music] 195 00:07:27,882 --> 00:07:28,932 [car door shuts] 196 00:07:31,015 --> 00:07:32,277 [band music] 197 00:07:32,408 --> 00:07:34,932 [Maggie] Bing-bong! Hi. 198 00:07:35,019 --> 00:07:37,761 I rang the doorbell, but you weren't answering. 199 00:07:37,892 --> 00:07:41,417 So you decided to surprise me through the back door. 200 00:07:41,504 --> 00:07:44,202 - Hm. - You are your father's daughter. 201 00:07:44,289 --> 00:07:46,640 Um, I realized that I forgot 202 00:07:46,727 --> 00:07:48,657 to give you your Twice Christmas gift. 203 00:07:48,658 --> 00:07:50,773 I just remembered once that you said that you're an Aries. 204 00:07:50,774 --> 00:07:52,819 So it's a bracelet with your astrological sign. 205 00:07:52,820 --> 00:07:54,870 - [chuckles] Yes. - So overly thoughtful. 206 00:07:54,909 --> 00:07:56,519 It was no problem at all, um... 207 00:07:56,650 --> 00:08:00,000 Hey, while I'm here, I was thinking about 208 00:08:00,001 --> 00:08:02,350 that little thing that you mentioned earlier. 209 00:08:02,351 --> 00:08:05,179 - That I don't like you? Yeah. - Yeah. 210 00:08:05,180 --> 00:08:06,964 And it occurred to me, of course, 211 00:08:07,095 --> 00:08:10,011 you don't like me because you don't know me. Right? 212 00:08:10,012 --> 00:08:11,968 And if we just get to know each other, you'd- 213 00:08:11,969 --> 00:08:14,144 Please let me save you from embarrassment. 214 00:08:14,145 --> 00:08:15,364 Oh, of course. Thank you. 215 00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:17,191 The very reason I do not like you 216 00:08:17,192 --> 00:08:18,584 is because I do know you. 217 00:08:18,585 --> 00:08:21,413 You are a people-pleaser who uses gifts 218 00:08:21,544 --> 00:08:24,982 as currency in a doomed economy of validation. 219 00:08:24,983 --> 00:08:26,983 Which is why you still dress like you're eight years old 220 00:08:26,984 --> 00:08:31,467 because all you truly want is daddy's approval. 221 00:08:31,468 --> 00:08:33,207 - Well, embarrassment saved. - Yeah. 222 00:08:33,208 --> 00:08:34,905 You came here to please me, 223 00:08:34,992 --> 00:08:37,167 so I might tell him to love you. 224 00:08:37,168 --> 00:08:40,083 - But I'm not your mommy. - Oh. 225 00:08:40,084 --> 00:08:43,652 I will not suckle you. Heh. You cannot afford it. 226 00:08:43,653 --> 00:08:47,177 No, I'm here because you are in a relationship with my daddy. 227 00:08:47,178 --> 00:08:48,832 With my dad. 228 00:08:48,963 --> 00:08:51,792 And I figured that we should 229 00:08:51,879 --> 00:08:54,577 also have a relationship. That's all. 230 00:08:54,708 --> 00:08:56,535 Um... 231 00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:59,407 - But I'll- - No. You know what? 232 00:08:59,408 --> 00:09:01,627 Maybe I misread you. 233 00:09:01,628 --> 00:09:03,499 - Let us start again. - Yes. 234 00:09:03,630 --> 00:09:06,458 Would you mind giving me a hand to prepare dinner? 235 00:09:06,589 --> 00:09:09,461 - We are making venison. - Oh, yum. 236 00:09:09,462 --> 00:09:11,288 Yes, I would love to. How can I help? 237 00:09:11,289 --> 00:09:12,987 [breathing heavily] 238 00:09:13,117 --> 00:09:14,597 [Maggie] Aw... 239 00:09:16,033 --> 00:09:17,948 Kill the baby. 240 00:09:18,035 --> 00:09:19,470 - Sorry? - Uh, the fawn. 241 00:09:19,471 --> 00:09:22,736 - Kill it for dinner. - Kill the baby fawn? 242 00:09:22,866 --> 00:09:25,564 - Yes. The big one is too tough. - Right. And the big one is... 243 00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:27,435 - The mother. Hm. - The mother. Right. 244 00:09:27,436 --> 00:09:29,606 I could kill the baby in front of its mother. 245 00:09:29,612 --> 00:09:31,440 It's, um. it's reverse Bambi. 246 00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:33,484 - Right. - Okay. Yeah. Right. 247 00:09:33,485 --> 00:09:35,399 I am a trained soldier, you know? 248 00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:37,488 - And I am... - Yes. 249 00:09:37,489 --> 00:09:39,491 Trained to kill the enemy. Okay. 250 00:09:39,492 --> 00:09:41,057 - [fawn squeals] - [Maggie grunts] 251 00:09:41,058 --> 00:09:43,233 You will take the life of this beautiful creature? 252 00:09:43,234 --> 00:09:45,366 No, I didn't want to, but you asked. I didn't want to. 253 00:09:45,367 --> 00:09:47,673 I didn't wanna kill it. I love Bambi. I didn't wanna do it. 254 00:09:47,674 --> 00:09:49,718 So you did it because I asked you nicely? 255 00:09:49,719 --> 00:09:51,546 If I asked you nicely, you would betray your own feelings 256 00:09:51,547 --> 00:09:53,722 and slaughter little Luna? 257 00:09:53,723 --> 00:09:56,812 - Oh, God. I'm sorry. - Go home, Captain Quinn. 258 00:09:56,813 --> 00:09:57,863 Um... 259 00:09:59,381 --> 00:10:00,816 It would have been quick. 260 00:10:00,817 --> 00:10:02,427 [band music] 261 00:10:02,558 --> 00:10:05,255 [Elias] Major, I got good news. 262 00:10:05,256 --> 00:10:07,083 So I reached out to your ex-wife Celeste. 263 00:10:07,084 --> 00:10:08,738 - You did what? - And... 264 00:10:08,869 --> 00:10:13,133 I Face-Timed with your beautiful ex-wife Celeste. 265 00:10:13,134 --> 00:10:17,703 Corporal, do not mistake my kindness for weakness. 266 00:10:17,704 --> 00:10:19,880 - Don't mess with my family. - Relax. 267 00:10:20,010 --> 00:10:25,668 Celeste and I had very little chemistry when we... 268 00:10:25,755 --> 00:10:28,975 - [telephone ringing in distance] - What is going on here? 269 00:10:28,976 --> 00:10:31,107 Just trying to decide which of the 12 objects on my desk 270 00:10:31,108 --> 00:10:32,675 I will use to kill you with. 271 00:10:32,762 --> 00:10:35,330 - A pen? - It's too fast. Mm-hmm. 272 00:10:35,460 --> 00:10:38,681 Okay, well, I spoke to Gabriel. 273 00:10:38,768 --> 00:10:40,683 - Gabriel. - And he made you a video. 274 00:10:40,770 --> 00:10:42,598 Saying hi. That's why I came in here. 275 00:10:42,685 --> 00:10:46,210 Sit down, please. Just one... 276 00:10:49,736 --> 00:10:51,998 Hi, Abe, your friend convinced mom 277 00:10:51,999 --> 00:10:54,229 to let me send a message. How is Netherlands? 278 00:10:54,230 --> 00:10:56,306 [Gabriel] I wanna show you something I've been working on. 279 00:10:56,307 --> 00:10:58,701 Oh, he's bringing out his tuba! 280 00:10:58,788 --> 00:11:00,181 - We're in for a treat. - Yeah. 281 00:11:00,311 --> 00:11:02,705 [tuba music] 282 00:11:02,706 --> 00:11:04,358 This is one of the best gifts anyone's ever gotten me. 283 00:11:04,359 --> 00:11:06,142 - So thank you. - [Terrence on video] Gabriel! 284 00:11:06,143 --> 00:11:09,538 - Time for dinner! - Abe, I gotta go. 285 00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:12,105 Terrence made us smash burgers! 286 00:11:12,106 --> 00:11:13,324 Terrence! Terrence! 287 00:11:13,455 --> 00:11:16,152 [laptop shuts] 288 00:11:16,153 --> 00:11:18,589 Who the hell is Terrence? 289 00:11:18,590 --> 00:11:21,376 You are not going to believe this. 290 00:11:21,506 --> 00:11:24,640 Katja doesn't like me. 291 00:11:24,641 --> 00:11:26,554 - You already knew that. - [Patrick] Yeah. 292 00:11:26,555 --> 00:11:28,164 I thought it was pretty obvious. 293 00:11:28,165 --> 00:11:29,949 - Why would it be obvious? - I don't know. 294 00:11:29,950 --> 00:11:31,907 Look on her face every time you enter a room. 295 00:11:31,908 --> 00:11:34,171 - That would be one clue. - Ah. 296 00:11:34,172 --> 00:11:35,694 And you're-you're okay with this, with the fact 297 00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:37,653 that your girlfriend hates me? 298 00:11:37,784 --> 00:11:40,003 Okay, listen. She doesn't hate you. That... 299 00:11:40,134 --> 00:11:43,179 You know, she just doesn't like you, you know, a lot. 300 00:11:43,180 --> 00:11:46,444 - Oh. No. - That bothers you? 301 00:11:46,575 --> 00:11:47,968 Maybe. Yes, a lot. 302 00:11:47,969 --> 00:11:49,925 The whole army basically hates my guts. 303 00:11:49,926 --> 00:11:51,885 - And I-I couldn't care less. - Yeah. 304 00:11:52,015 --> 00:11:54,844 And, like, what, two people, you know, don't... 305 00:11:54,845 --> 00:11:56,366 I shouldn't have said two people don't like you. 306 00:11:56,367 --> 00:11:57,585 - Two people? - [Patrick] No. 307 00:11:57,586 --> 00:11:58,804 - I'm not giving- - What're their names? 308 00:11:58,805 --> 00:11:59,892 - I'm not... - Tell me their names. 309 00:11:59,893 --> 00:12:02,199 I am busy sucking it up, getting ready 310 00:12:02,330 --> 00:12:05,027 to get myself to Katja's Christmas dinner. 311 00:12:05,028 --> 00:12:06,942 I don't remember you ever sucking it up 312 00:12:06,943 --> 00:12:09,423 for any of my Christmases growing up. 313 00:12:09,424 --> 00:12:11,251 You know why? Didn't have a strategy. 314 00:12:11,252 --> 00:12:12,992 If you think about it, these parties, the dinners, 315 00:12:12,993 --> 00:12:14,863 all of it, it's like a land war, right? 316 00:12:14,864 --> 00:12:17,127 - Hm. - What solves that? Tanks. 317 00:12:17,214 --> 00:12:22,002 So I am taking the tank to her Christmas dinner. 318 00:12:22,003 --> 00:12:24,177 Wait, is this a metaphor, or are you actually 319 00:12:24,178 --> 00:12:25,570 bringing a tank to a party? 320 00:12:25,571 --> 00:12:27,006 Yes. Can you believe it took me this long? 321 00:12:27,007 --> 00:12:29,009 To come up with that concept? Tsk. 322 00:12:29,139 --> 00:12:31,794 [Abraham] This Terrence guy, he just shows up in my 323 00:12:31,795 --> 00:12:32,968 family's life, and I don't know anything about it. 324 00:12:32,969 --> 00:12:36,233 Nobody even talks to me about this? Terrence. 325 00:12:36,234 --> 00:12:38,191 What kind of a guy has a name like Terrence? 326 00:12:38,192 --> 00:12:42,022 Terrance McDowell. Sorry, man. That's a hot name. 327 00:12:42,023 --> 00:12:44,066 How do I know that this guy is safe to be around? 328 00:12:44,067 --> 00:12:46,416 He could be like a killer or a thief, 329 00:12:46,417 --> 00:12:48,679 or one of those cartoonists who are really good at their job, 330 00:12:48,680 --> 00:12:51,596 but they also draw your flaws in, like, a really mean way. 331 00:12:51,683 --> 00:12:53,073 - [Elias] Hm. - Find out more. 332 00:12:53,074 --> 00:12:54,903 Well, that's kind of the problem because 333 00:12:54,904 --> 00:12:57,134 this guy has, like, zero digital footprint. 334 00:12:57,135 --> 00:13:00,082 Okay, there's this Facebook profile that he deleted in 2011 335 00:13:00,083 --> 00:13:02,171 where he lists his favorite band as Train. 336 00:13:02,172 --> 00:13:04,174 [Abraham grunting] 337 00:13:04,261 --> 00:13:05,959 Ah! 338 00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:08,047 - [clatters] - [Abraham] I love my stepson. 339 00:13:08,048 --> 00:13:10,528 I can't stand idly by and let him meet Virginia. 340 00:13:10,529 --> 00:13:13,443 Anything more would require, like, a security clearance 341 00:13:13,444 --> 00:13:16,012 above you. Even the colonel. 342 00:13:17,405 --> 00:13:18,885 But not General Davidson. 343 00:13:21,626 --> 00:13:23,759 [singing in foreign language] 344 00:13:23,846 --> 00:13:25,934 ? Fa-la la-la-la la-la la-la ? 345 00:13:25,935 --> 00:13:28,415 Ho-ho-ho! And what do you want from Santa? 346 00:13:28,416 --> 00:13:31,201 For him to authorize 347 00:13:31,202 --> 00:13:33,507 domestic surveillance of an American citizen. 348 00:13:33,508 --> 00:13:35,901 More specifically, my soon-to-be ex-wife's new boyfriend. 349 00:13:35,902 --> 00:13:37,946 - That's a hell of an ask, major. - Nah. 350 00:13:37,947 --> 00:13:42,560 And that boy asked for a body pillow for humping? 351 00:13:42,691 --> 00:13:44,692 It's your fateful companionship. 352 00:13:44,693 --> 00:13:46,128 Geert, if you were a dog, 353 00:13:46,129 --> 00:13:47,826 they would have neutered you for less. 354 00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:49,306 Mm-hmm. 355 00:13:49,437 --> 00:13:50,568 [knocking on door] 356 00:13:53,223 --> 00:13:54,790 I am confused. 357 00:13:54,877 --> 00:13:57,445 - Why are you upon my doorstep? - Oh. 358 00:13:57,446 --> 00:13:59,098 I'm crashing your party, uninvited. 359 00:13:59,099 --> 00:14:01,579 - Do you like that? - No, I do not like that. 360 00:14:01,710 --> 00:14:05,105 Oh, good. You're gonna love this. No gift. 361 00:14:05,235 --> 00:14:08,804 Would a people-pleaser crash a party with no gift? 362 00:14:08,891 --> 00:14:11,807 [scoffs] I don't think so. Heh-heh. 363 00:14:11,808 --> 00:14:13,547 But I am, I am gonna need you to take this 364 00:14:13,548 --> 00:14:15,245 since I am not an animal. 365 00:14:15,332 --> 00:14:18,596 So just take that, and I'm gonna crash this way. 366 00:14:18,683 --> 00:14:20,555 Merry Christmas, y'all! 367 00:14:20,685 --> 00:14:22,730 [indistinct chatter] 368 00:14:22,731 --> 00:14:26,953 Everyone, this is Captain Margaret Quinn. 369 00:14:27,083 --> 00:14:29,477 - Hi. - She is Patrick's daughter. 370 00:14:29,564 --> 00:14:31,000 She was not invited. 371 00:14:33,437 --> 00:14:36,657 Hi, everyone, um, I'm just here to prove to Katja 372 00:14:36,658 --> 00:14:40,836 that I am not a people-pleaser. I don't care if Katja likes me. 373 00:14:40,837 --> 00:14:42,532 Actually, don't care if any of you guys like me. 374 00:14:42,533 --> 00:14:44,534 [indistinct chatter] 375 00:14:44,535 --> 00:14:47,060 - That's super look. - Dana. 376 00:14:47,061 --> 00:14:48,669 - What are you doing here? - I was invited. 377 00:14:48,670 --> 00:14:51,629 - [chuckles] - Fantastic! 378 00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:54,023 - [indistinct chatter] - Everyone. 379 00:14:54,154 --> 00:14:57,591 Uh, dinner will be served very shortly. 380 00:14:57,592 --> 00:14:59,985 Ah, raw meat. Disgusting. 381 00:14:59,986 --> 00:15:02,727 - It's gourmetten. - Gourmetten. 382 00:15:02,858 --> 00:15:04,598 - Gourmetten. - Yeah. 383 00:15:04,599 --> 00:15:06,296 Yes, we grill our food. 384 00:15:06,427 --> 00:15:09,559 So we have to cook it before we eat it. Oh, God. 385 00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:14,087 Are we guests at this dinner or are we working it? Heh. 386 00:15:14,174 --> 00:15:16,262 No wonder she didn't get invited. 387 00:15:16,263 --> 00:15:18,439 - The whole spread is, uh... - Beautiful. 388 00:15:18,569 --> 00:15:20,658 Bad. Yuck. 389 00:15:20,789 --> 00:15:24,226 [chuckles] You are a little baby. 390 00:15:24,227 --> 00:15:26,054 Now you go find your father and tell him 391 00:15:26,055 --> 00:15:29,014 he cannot let his little baby wander around my party. 392 00:15:29,015 --> 00:15:31,799 [instrumental "The First Noel"] 393 00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:33,757 - Oh, hey. Uh-huh! - Hey. 394 00:15:33,758 --> 00:15:37,022 I get it. This is the tank. 395 00:15:37,023 --> 00:15:39,808 Every terrestrial campaign has been won by armor, 396 00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:41,897 including this one tonight. 397 00:15:41,898 --> 00:15:44,072 I've never seen you drink white wine in my life. 398 00:15:44,073 --> 00:15:46,510 Oh, no, this is 90% vodka, 'cause... 399 00:15:46,511 --> 00:15:48,816 Otherwise, I'm gonna kill somebody out there. I need... 400 00:15:48,817 --> 00:15:49,991 Oh! - Here you are, colonel. 401 00:15:49,992 --> 00:15:52,908 Beatrix, you found me again. Heh-heh. 402 00:15:52,909 --> 00:15:54,387 Beatrix was telling me for, um, 403 00:15:54,388 --> 00:15:58,000 for a long time about how she makes chairs 404 00:15:58,001 --> 00:16:00,393 that are uncomfortable for people to sit in. Yeah. 405 00:16:00,394 --> 00:16:03,701 Human comfort is not the reason for an object to exist. 406 00:16:03,702 --> 00:16:05,528 It is the reason chairs exist, though. 407 00:16:05,529 --> 00:16:07,313 You know, my foot's killing me, I'm gonna go in the kitchen 408 00:16:07,314 --> 00:16:09,576 and take some aspirin. And, uh- No, no, you should stay. 409 00:16:09,577 --> 00:16:11,447 This is a very interesting conversation. I can't... 410 00:16:11,448 --> 00:16:12,753 - You can't? - Because my foot hurts. Yeah. 411 00:16:12,754 --> 00:16:14,495 Make a hole. There we go. 412 00:16:14,625 --> 00:16:16,888 Ah. Ah, you got me again. 413 00:16:16,889 --> 00:16:18,759 I think you didn't hear me the first time. 414 00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:20,805 Excuse me, make a hole! 415 00:16:22,285 --> 00:16:24,287 - Move! Move it. - I should probably... 416 00:16:24,418 --> 00:16:27,160 When I place my butt on Beatrix's chairs, 417 00:16:27,290 --> 00:16:30,685 the beating life of its creators enters me. 418 00:16:30,815 --> 00:16:33,818 Well, I wish I had a tank. 419 00:16:36,604 --> 00:16:38,562 Oh, it is exhausting 420 00:16:38,563 --> 00:16:40,433 being that rude. I don't know how you do it all the time. 421 00:16:40,434 --> 00:16:43,393 - It takes years of practice. - What are you doing? 422 00:16:43,524 --> 00:16:46,830 Feeling, like, boxed in. Like, I need an escape plan. 423 00:16:46,831 --> 00:16:49,312 Here it is. Okay, you take that. 424 00:16:49,313 --> 00:16:51,226 You're gonna cut off one of my fingers. 425 00:16:51,227 --> 00:16:53,924 Why does everyone keep handing me knives? 426 00:16:53,925 --> 00:16:55,405 Here we go. Let's go, pinky. 427 00:16:55,406 --> 00:16:57,276 It's good for both of us 'cause you'll have to take me 428 00:16:57,277 --> 00:16:58,886 to the hospital. We'll both get out of here. 429 00:16:58,887 --> 00:17:00,715 - No, you wish. - Very disappointing. 430 00:17:00,845 --> 00:17:03,065 So you did cut off your pinky in 1994. 431 00:17:03,196 --> 00:17:05,893 - Yes, this one. - I knew it! 432 00:17:05,894 --> 00:17:07,068 You know, you're always on this thing about, 433 00:17:07,069 --> 00:17:09,157 like, we're not close enough and 434 00:17:09,158 --> 00:17:11,028 blah, blah, blah, do stuff together. 435 00:17:11,029 --> 00:17:12,508 Can I have some of the vodka wine? 436 00:17:12,509 --> 00:17:13,640 Yeah, it's strapped under 437 00:17:13,641 --> 00:17:14,691 my scooter. 438 00:17:14,959 --> 00:17:18,253 [sighs] There's not enough vodka wine 439 00:17:18,254 --> 00:17:20,342 in the world to numb me to these morons. 440 00:17:20,343 --> 00:17:22,475 Beatrix followed me around for 20 minutes lecturing me 441 00:17:22,476 --> 00:17:25,173 about how ottomans aren't just backless chairs. 442 00:17:25,174 --> 00:17:26,870 - Like, I need to know that. - I don't get it. 443 00:17:26,871 --> 00:17:29,743 Why don't you just tell Katja that you hate it, and leave? 444 00:17:29,744 --> 00:17:33,095 No. You don't tell the truth in a situation like this. 445 00:17:33,096 --> 00:17:34,704 What are you, nuts? Here's what we could do. 446 00:17:34,705 --> 00:17:37,142 You could step it up a notch, cause a scene. 447 00:17:37,143 --> 00:17:38,708 You could cut one of your fingers off. 448 00:17:38,709 --> 00:17:41,886 You want me to ruin Christmas? 449 00:17:41,973 --> 00:17:45,498 I'm not doing this anymore, and I'm not gonna be unlikable 450 00:17:45,499 --> 00:17:48,631 just for one person to like me. 451 00:17:48,632 --> 00:17:51,282 - I'm gonna go save Christmas. - All right, I'm coming. 452 00:17:51,283 --> 00:17:53,245 I'm gonna save this Christmas so hard. 453 00:17:53,246 --> 00:17:54,507 Wrong leg. 454 00:17:54,508 --> 00:17:56,204 [Abraham] Thanks again for helping with this, general. 455 00:17:56,205 --> 00:17:58,195 Honestly, Shah, I sympathize with you. 456 00:17:58,294 --> 00:18:00,284 I mean, all my exes have new boyfriends 457 00:18:00,285 --> 00:18:01,818 and they all look like the next bachelor 458 00:18:01,819 --> 00:18:03,733 and not the golden ones. 459 00:18:03,734 --> 00:18:07,086 All right, what did I miss on this Train-loving clown? 460 00:18:09,175 --> 00:18:12,394 - You're in the army? - Oh, yeah. 461 00:18:12,395 --> 00:18:15,833 Sorry, I got sick of hiding in the closet 462 00:18:15,964 --> 00:18:17,400 and I ran out of chili, so... 463 00:18:17,531 --> 00:18:21,534 [chuckles] You must drive the colonel insane! 464 00:18:21,535 --> 00:18:24,494 - I live in his head rent-free. - Ha! I love it. 465 00:18:24,625 --> 00:18:27,757 Santa is going to give you all the cookies you can eat. 466 00:18:27,758 --> 00:18:29,934 - [laughs] Shah. - Uh... 467 00:18:30,065 --> 00:18:32,763 We, uh, input the coordinates, 468 00:18:32,894 --> 00:18:35,548 we use the eye in the sky, 469 00:18:35,549 --> 00:18:38,464 and we watch your ex's house. 470 00:18:38,465 --> 00:18:40,553 Okay, just to make sure they're in good hands, that's all. 471 00:18:40,554 --> 00:18:42,991 [Davidson] Ah, we have a visual. 472 00:18:42,992 --> 00:18:44,122 [Abraham] They're having a catch. 473 00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:47,125 - Hm. - Gabriel seems fine. 474 00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:49,606 Yeah, he's doing okay. All right. 475 00:18:49,607 --> 00:18:52,260 - I may have overreacted. - [Elias] Well, you miss him. 476 00:18:52,261 --> 00:18:54,959 [Elias] And he misses you, too. And so does Celeste. 477 00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:56,438 'Cause I took it upon myself to send her 478 00:18:56,439 --> 00:18:58,746 a series of very flirtatious messages, 479 00:18:58,833 --> 00:19:00,182 hitting on her super hard. 480 00:19:00,313 --> 00:19:03,053 She didn't bite. Not one bit. 481 00:19:03,054 --> 00:19:05,012 Okay, what are you doing with Celeste in your... 482 00:19:05,013 --> 00:19:07,623 Okay, this isn't even about me and her, but, yeah, I'll call 483 00:19:07,624 --> 00:19:09,625 her and I'll ask if I can start Face-Timing with Gabriel. 484 00:19:09,626 --> 00:19:11,366 - Perfect. - You're welcome. 485 00:19:11,367 --> 00:19:12,411 Stop texting my exes. 486 00:19:12,412 --> 00:19:14,369 I'm not gonna stop texting Stacy. 487 00:19:14,370 --> 00:19:16,371 - Wait, Stacy from summer camp? - Yeah. 488 00:19:16,372 --> 00:19:19,374 Her marriage is hanging on by a thread. 489 00:19:19,375 --> 00:19:20,941 - Tok. - Okay. 490 00:19:20,942 --> 00:19:22,203 [indistinct chatter] 491 00:19:22,204 --> 00:19:26,251 Oh. Ha-ha. Excuse me, everybody. 492 00:19:26,252 --> 00:19:28,341 - I would like to make a toast... - Ahem. 493 00:19:28,428 --> 00:19:31,212 That there are so many different walks of life 494 00:19:31,213 --> 00:19:33,823 represented around this table. 495 00:19:33,824 --> 00:19:34,955 - Mm-hmm. And chairs. - Oh. 496 00:19:34,956 --> 00:19:37,350 Yes, Beatrix, and chairs. 497 00:19:37,351 --> 00:19:39,829 Isn't that the meaning of-of Twice Christmas, 498 00:19:39,830 --> 00:19:44,444 having a second chance to gather in peace and harmony 499 00:19:44,531 --> 00:19:47,054 around this beautiful meal, around this table? 500 00:19:47,055 --> 00:19:48,882 - [sizzles] - Oh, Maggie! 501 00:19:48,883 --> 00:19:50,013 - Oh, God. - Oh, my God. 502 00:19:50,014 --> 00:19:52,278 - Ah... Oh. - Oh, I told you. 503 00:19:52,408 --> 00:19:54,409 - You have got to stop drinking. - What is... 504 00:19:54,410 --> 00:19:56,324 I'm gonna take her to the hospital. 505 00:19:56,325 --> 00:19:58,544 And then to the rehab center. You did a great job. 506 00:19:58,545 --> 00:20:00,110 - I did not do this on purpose. - Okay. 507 00:20:00,111 --> 00:20:02,375 - I will take her. - What? 508 00:20:02,505 --> 00:20:05,507 I understand the bureaucracies of social medicine. 509 00:20:05,508 --> 00:20:07,422 I'll drive both you guys to the hospital, then, and... 510 00:20:07,423 --> 00:20:09,294 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - [Katja] No! 511 00:20:09,295 --> 00:20:11,339 You must stay, it's your first Twice Christmas. 512 00:20:11,340 --> 00:20:13,907 I don't want you to cut off your jubilation. 513 00:20:13,908 --> 00:20:15,865 - Come on, baby. - Okay. No, I'm... 514 00:20:15,866 --> 00:20:19,696 - Happy Christmas, everybody. - [Katja] Twice. Twice Christmas. 515 00:20:19,827 --> 00:20:22,438 Yeah, forget it. I don't know about you guys, but... 516 00:20:22,569 --> 00:20:24,266 [sighs] 517 00:20:25,528 --> 00:20:27,530 Here's to jubilation. 518 00:20:27,661 --> 00:20:29,471 [instrumental "Joy To The World"] 519 00:20:30,925 --> 00:20:32,927 You don't have to wait with me. 520 00:20:33,057 --> 00:20:34,884 I know you do not like me. 521 00:20:34,885 --> 00:20:38,714 And you don't have to pretend to just 'cause I'm, uh, injured. 522 00:20:38,715 --> 00:20:40,587 I did not like you. 523 00:20:40,717 --> 00:20:43,307 And you are a people-pleaser who craves attention. 524 00:20:43,329 --> 00:20:46,592 But you were also a crazy woman 525 00:20:46,593 --> 00:20:49,160 at my Twice Christmas dinner. I like that. 526 00:20:49,161 --> 00:20:51,379 Some of my favorite people are a little bit crazy. 527 00:20:51,380 --> 00:20:54,644 - Oh. Yeah. - Your father. My lover Julia. 528 00:20:54,775 --> 00:20:58,300 Although we don't say crazy. She's diagnosed bipolar. 529 00:20:58,431 --> 00:21:01,782 Well, what I'm hearing is that 530 00:21:01,912 --> 00:21:03,523 I'm one of your favorite people. 531 00:21:03,653 --> 00:21:06,003 Oh, not even close. 532 00:21:06,134 --> 00:21:08,918 But you owned your insanity. 533 00:21:08,919 --> 00:21:11,270 - Ah. - I like you 13% more. 534 00:21:13,750 --> 00:21:14,882 Yes! 535 00:21:16,013 --> 00:21:17,537 Next year it'll be 20. 536 00:21:19,974 --> 00:21:22,584 Tables come in a variety of sizes. 537 00:21:22,585 --> 00:21:24,412 Yeah, but it's not really about the size of the table. 538 00:21:24,413 --> 00:21:25,544 More like the size of the room. 539 00:21:25,545 --> 00:21:27,110 [Beatrix] Especially once you introduce 540 00:21:27,111 --> 00:21:28,243 the concept of shapes. 541 00:21:28,244 --> 00:21:29,287 [man] Yeah, which you must. 542 00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:30,593 - You absolutely- - Oh. 543 00:21:30,724 --> 00:21:34,335 Shut up with the shapes! 544 00:21:34,336 --> 00:21:38,426 That's it. I'm out! I've had it. 545 00:21:38,427 --> 00:21:41,777 That's right. Yeah, I can walk. It's a Christmas miracle. 546 00:21:41,778 --> 00:21:44,171 Ooh, God bless us, everyone. 547 00:21:44,172 --> 00:21:46,261 Except you, with the weird hat. 548 00:21:46,262 --> 00:21:47,957 We know you have an oddly-shaped head. 549 00:21:47,958 --> 00:21:50,133 You can go to furniture hell. Oh, wait a minute. 550 00:21:50,134 --> 00:21:52,267 We're in it! Ha-ha-ha. 551 00:21:52,354 --> 00:21:54,400 [children] It's going so well! 552 00:21:54,450 --> 00:21:59,000 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 42794

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