Original subtitles

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We don't speak French.

No, Anglais.

What is your destination?

- Why? - Naples, Italy.

You have something to declare?

Nothing whatsoever.

You will open this case, please.

Why?

Why not?

Because it took me 20 minutes to close it.

You will open this case, please.

Nothing in it, but...

Oh, well, if you insist.

There's nothing there but you...

Is this a gift?

No. It's a shift.

How dare you? You're no gentleman.

What?

Vous n'etes pas un gentleman.

What is this?

- I refuse to answer that question. - Why?

In England, Angleterre,

a lady is not required to mention the unmentionable.

Ah, pardon!

I fear you have antagonised him, dear.

Oh, and you think he hasn't antagonised me?

Oh, why did I ever leave England?

- Well, you're on a rest cure, dear. - Oh, nice rest cure..

I cannot understand the unmentionable.

What it is unmentionable?

Perhaps we had better search her.

Search me? Godfrey, Did you hear that?

I certainly did.

You must resist at all costs.

Don't you dare touch me.

What did I always tell you?

These foreigners have only one thought in their head.

- You call me a foreigner? - Of course.

Here in France, it is you that is the foreigner.

Me? What nonsense.

How could I ever be a foreigner?

Moi, Anglaise.

Et moi, aussi.

Why you go to Italy?

To stay with my daughter.

Ah, poor daughter.

I beg your pardon?

He said "poor daughter", dear.

Are you trying to be rude?

Now, don't let him upset you, dear.

Your daughter? She's a foreigner?

Certainly not.

She's respectably married to an Italian.

Ah! Then she is a foreigner.

She is as English as the day she was born.

She merely married a foreigner.

She doesn't look as if she could be anybody's mother.

Oh? And what do I look like, please?

Don't tell her.

She's on a rest cure.

A fine start to a rest cure.

My daughter invited us to Naples

because they lead such a peaceful, quiet life there

and know such nice, friendly people.

But after the ordeal today,

I shall begin to wonder what sort of people I shall find in Naples.

Oh, I expect it'll be all right, dear.

I mean, after all, Dorothy wouldn't mix

- with anybody but the right people. - Oh.

Three minutes.

Hello. Are they looking after you properly?

What do you want?

I'm selling out my exclusive in Genoa for 30 million lire.

- Are you interested? - Maybe.

- Got the 30 million? - Not till I'm out of here.

Ah, when will that be?

Oh, any time now.

Oh, are you planning on making another, uh, jailbreak?

Where will you be?

I'm moving into Sorrento.

I'm working a new racket there on a lawyer called Avvocato Catoni.

- That sucker? - Yeah.

Who knows you're moving out of Genoa?

Leo.

When I get out of here,

I'm gonna have a little talk with Leo.

About Rosana?

Rosana?

What's he done to Rosana?

Your guess is as good as mine.

- She with him? - That's the way it looks.

Rosana?

My Rosana!

You know something?

I'm gonna get out of here before the week.

Good. Get the 30 million as soon as you can.

First, I'll get Leo.

Leo! I'll get that guy if I have to...

The only thing to do is to try one out and see what happens.

Who is it?

Caradiotto's car.

Caradiotto? Here in Naples?

He's coming to see you, boss.

Go down and let him in, and get that stuff out of sight.

Haven't you gone yet?

I'm so sorry. I'm being as quick as I can.

You got a forwarding address?

If I had, I wouldn't give it to you.

How are you gonna live?

Well, I'll get a job. A respectable job.

Name one.

Don't worry. There are a few decent people still in the world.

You got any dough?

I don't want any of yours. I'd sooner starve.

You probably will, baby.

May you be forgiven for everything you are

and everything you've done, you...

You gangster!

Goodbye.

It's all right, baby.

I like my women to know the value of money.

Hello, Leo.

Hi.

What brings you to Naples?

Well, I came all the way from Genoa to see you, sweetheart.

Doesn't that show how much I love you?

Rosana!

Hello!

So this is where you got to.

- Surprised? - Delighted.

Never mind about Rosana.

What's the visit in aid of?

Well, I've got a new racket.

Raising backing for movies that never get made.

So I'm disposing of the Genoa territory. It's yours.

Exclusive concession if you want it.

- How much? - 30 million lire.

- Comedian. - No, I'm not.

I can get it.

We're not in the States anymore, you know.

Well, here's to absent friends,

eh, Rosana? Including, uh, Angel Face.

Cut the gags.

Well, he's still locked up in the jail, isn't he?

- Sure he is. - Let's hope he doesn't get out.

He won't.

He held the jail-breaking championship for Genoa.

Forget Angel Face, will you?

OK, OK.

So you don't want the Genoa concession.

Not at 30 million.

Well, I don't have to bring my price down.

I can get it as close to here as the local jail.

- Who from? - Angel Face.

Don't make me laugh.

Angel Face doesn't got a dime.

No? -You mean he's got 30 million and didn't tell me?

Well, he knows where to put his hands on it.

He does not.

I know someplace else he'd like to put his hands too.

What's that?

On your neck.

Just let him try.

How long have I got to think this over?

- Two days. - Make it a week.

OK, a week.

You gonna take a crack at a bank?

No.

OK, OK.

I don't care where it comes from

as long as it's in cash and I can recognise the watermark.

I'll drop in in about a week's time.

Nice to see you again, kid.

Reminded me of the old saying.

What old saying?

See Naples and die.

Now, give me one of those notes and we'll see how good a fake it is.

If they don't accept it,

I'll eat that trunk full, one by one.

That's about the only way you'll get rid of it.

Shall I keep the engine running just in case?

No. What can they do to me?

- Good luck. - Happy landings.

Sweet dreams.

No. Si, si.

Trecento quarantotto. Trecento quarantotto, sete cinque cinquanta sete.

(LADY SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Subito.

(MAN SPEAKING ITALIAN)

It's OK, thanks.

Well, Pellegrini, what is it?

Scusi. It's quarter past 11.

Oh, why shouldn't it be?

It's the time you said I could go.

- Go? Where? - But I told you.

To the station to meet my wife's mother and father from England.

You agreed that Salvatore could take my place for an hour.

Well, if I said you can go, you can go.

What are you waiting for?

Thank you very much, Mr Dobson.

Deal with those before you go.

Yes, Mr Dobson.

Well, I'm a monkey's uncle.

Was your father a sailor?

Get out and shadow him, and get his name, address, the works.

Oh, there you are, Antonio!

Mummy, I want a comic book!

No, darling, not now.

- We must find... - But I want it!

We must find grandma and grandpa!

- Oh, there they are. - Oh, good.

- Hello, Pa. - Ah, Antonio.

Dorothy.

- Hello, Ma. - Hello, Antonio.

Oh, what an unspeakable journey.

I don't know how I'm still in one piece.

What possessed us to leave England I shall never know.

What's a fair tip for a steward?

He did practically nothing.

About, uh, 2,000 lire.

- What's that in English money? - About a pound.

A pound? Outrageous!

Godfrey, don't be put upon!

Who's this little man?

- This can't be Ciocio. - My comics!

Oh, we are growing up.

He looks a bit thin, Dorothy. Does he get enough to eat?

No.

I see I shall have to take over the cooking.

Hello, Ciocio.

Did you bring any comics?

I'm afraid I forgot all about that.

But he's old enough for the Times.

- I don't know. - Shall I get a porter?

Nonsense.

It's all good exercise.

Come along, Ciocio. Let's go.

How much on the meter?

550 lire.

What? What for?

Ma, for the taxi.

Don't pay it.

No. No, don't pay it.

27, Via Spaventa.

Now we've got to get his name from the janitor.

Hi, Lucia. Grazie!

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

That is very civil of her.

What's that?

Dorothy, doesn't that girl speak any English?

Well, only about three words.

Which three are those, my dear?

Well, anyway, she's very good with Ciocio.

No, she's not!

Do you want the boy to grow up to be an Italian?

How do you like the flat?

Well, it looks rather foreign.

Not much to remind you of your own home.

Well, there's your photographs.

Well.

Good gracious.

I don't know why I always photograph so badly.

Well, I'm glad you don't forget us altogether.

I'll show you your bedroom in a moment.

Antonio's going to sleep on the sofa,

and I'm going to sleep in the nursery with Ciocio.

I do hope you and Father will be comfortable while you're here.

- Ciocio. - Ciocio. Go with Lucia.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

She carries herself well.

These Italian girls all do.

Dorothy, the maid will have to go.

Oh, Mother, why?

Get a girl who carries herself in the English way.

I can't understand it.

She isn't even your type.

What is my type?

I am.

That's true, baby.

At the moment.

What happened to her?

How should I know?

You care?

I've got more important things to think about.

What am I gonna do with all that stuff?

I might just as well have printed it on fly paper.

Well, here she goes.

Avanti.

Well, who was he?

Antonio Pellegrini,

27, Via Spaventa.

Age 41, married to an English woman called Dorothy.

One kid. Ciocio.

A little stinker.

The babe's in-laws have moved in on him.

Who are you talking about?

A cashier at the Anglo-Italian bank.

I thought you'd given up bank robberies.

Any ordinary one, I would.

But this guy looks more like me than I do.

I got it, boss. I got it.

You got what?

The whole thing's as clear as ABC.

We kidnap this boy, and you take his place.

Someone been dropping you on your head again?

What's the matter? Ain't it a good idea?

I love it like a broken leg.

Whatever we do, it's got to be subtle.

It's got to have finesse and it don't have to be a capital offence.

I never thought you'd be scared of a little kidnapping.

No kidnapping.

We'll think of another angle.

I'll think of another angle.

Well, you guys relax. Give 'em a drink, Rosana.

Where are you going?

Never mind.

I think better alone.

Well, what's the matter with him?

I thought he was tough.

So he is.

But you know how it is.

When they nearly got him in New Jersey,

it shook his confidence just the littlest bit.

Well, he's only got a week to raise that 30 million.

He'll get it. Don't worry.

Not if he fools around, he won't.

He's like a guy in a swimming bath who thinks the water's too cold.

He'll be OK when he's jumped in.

Well, can't we help?

Can't we push him from behind?

Better not. He's kind of high strung.

He's liable to pull a knife on you.

He does if he gets mad.

Meanwhile, time's flying.

Let it fly.

You say he's all right if he's just pushed from behind?

Well, why don't we kidnap this other man?

- Us? - Say, why not?

Did you ever kidnap a guy yet?

There's got to be a first time for everything.

Once we've done it, Leo's committed.

He's just got to go through with it.

Mrs Pellegrini?

Oh, yes.

The Agenzia Internazionale sent me.

You want a maid who speaks English?

Oh, oh, yes. Come in, will you?

Uh, did they tell you what your duties would be?

Yes.

Uh, my husband's Italian,

but my parents, who are staying with us, are English

and speak nothing but English, of course.

- Of course. - Of course.

My son, Ciocio, is five.

He speaks both English and Italian, and he will be in your charge.

Oh, that will be your room.

Of course, we do like Ciocio

to practise his English as much as possible.

You're fond of children?

He'll have all my affection.

Uh, you're not married?

I shall never marry.

I said that the day before I met my husband.

I wish to be called Maria.

Oh, very well.

- It's not my real name. - Oh.

Though ever since I was a child,

people have remarked on the way my eyes shine like two stars.

They don't ever call me Stellina. I've renounced that, too.

Oh. What was the last family you renounced?

Oh, this is my first position. Am I suitable?

Please tell me at once, because if I'm not,

I've made up my mind to enter a convent instead.

Oh, please don't do that.

Why, I'm sure you'll be able to forget everything here.

Then you'll let me work for you?

Well, that rests with my mother.

She wanted us to have an English-speaking maid.

You'd better come meet her.

Just one thing.

She must never know.

Never know what?

Nothing.

Is that you, Antonio?

Hey, Piccola.

Did you bring Ciocio his gangster comics?

Good evening, Piccola.

Well, did you bring Ciocio his gangster comics?

- No. - I might have known.

What do you think about all day?

Not about gangster comics.

Well, you must try and remember them tomorrow.

I didn't forget about the comics.

It's just that I think it's time

that Ciocio learned about something else.

These comics, they teach him bad habits.

Well, I like to see them, too. Do they teach me bad habits?

No, Piccola.

But a little boy is so impressionable.

Last week, there were pictures of a bank robbery.

When I come home the next day, he smashed his china money box.

You don't want him to grow up to be a bank robber.

Well, it takes more courage than being a bank clerk.

I hold a very responsible position.

I handle the highest notes in the bank.

Well, you bring home the lowest.

Well, you don't starve, Piccola.

Well, there's more to life than just eating.

Besides, sometimes it'd be fun to live a little dangerously.

The bank does not like its employees to live dangerously.

Take the bandit who held up the village post office last week.

There's a man with blood in his veins.

But I have blood in my veins, Piccola.

Then it must flow backwards.

To think when I married you,

I thought you were a passionate, hot-blooded Latin.

Well?

You're about as passionate as... A Latin grandma!

Ciocio's asleep at last, looking like a little angel.

How did you get him to sleep?

Godfrey read to him.

What did you read?

He didn't give me any choice. The comics.

There, you see?

I wanted to find out how Nick the Ludd got out of that cave.

You see, the villain walled him up in it.

You know, I doubt if that maid's really trained.

How much are we having to pay her?

20,000 lire a month.

- But we can't. - We've got to.

That's fine.

So we pay 20,000 lire a month to a maid,

and I have to sleep on the sofa that has an armrest in the centre.

Well, you want your wife to wear herself to a shadow slaving for you?

Mama, you exaggerate.

You foreigners are all alike.

Rather than pay a servant a living wage,

you'll watch your wife cook and clean and scrub

and wash and carry...

OK, OK, OK, OK. So we got a new maid.

- How did he get out of the cave? - He used a hammer.

Ciocio! I thought he was asleep.

Must be the glass table top.

No, he smashed that this morning.

Ciocio, what have you done? Oh...

Stick 'em up.

Ah! (SPEAKING ITALIAN)

You don't spank him.

- Just let me spank him once. - No, no.

And don't stand there making an exhibition of yourself

in front of an impressionable child.

And go and dry your face.

The Wilsons will be here in a minute.

There's a clean towel in the kitchen.

Ask the new maid for it.

All right, all right.

Can I have your clean towel, please?

Ah, there we are.

Oh, I'm sorry.

For what?

Your voice.

It reminded me of someone I want to forget.

You're Mr Pellegrini, aren't you?

But of course.

Why are you here?

I came in to get a towel.

How did you get into this house?

Well, I live here.

Are you in hiding again?

I haven't anything to hide from.

How can I never get away from you?

Of course, if you want to.

Who is the woman who lives here?

You mean my wife.

How long has she been your wife?

Six years.

All the time we were together,

you were already married.

Look, we haven't been together more than a few minutes.

I never saw you before in my life.

You know someone who looks like me, maybe.

No, you're different. I can see that now.

You're all the things I wanted him to be.

Gentle, kind, honest.

Oh, not all the time.

Oh, yes. It's something I feel,

here.

He must never know of your existence.

Maria!

Yes?

No one must ever know.

Go, quickly.

Yes?

Maria, get all the towels you have.

Ciocio's fallen in the bath.

Piccola, where did you find that new maid?

The agency sent her.

You're not still sulking about her salary, are you?

She tries hard enough.

Too hard.

Who's the letter from?

I don't know. Maybe an old school friend.

Well, don't you recognise the handwriting?

It's typewritten.

Why don't you open it?

Dorothy, listen.

"Dear sir, tonight you will place two million lire

"in 1,000 lire notes

"in a single package against the shutters of a shop

"in Via Merletti, 23."

Oh, you must be reading it upside down.

Give it to me.

"If you fail, you will be putting your family in grave peril.

"All your family.

"Your wife, your little boy, your father-in-law,

"your mother-in-law."

It's signed Leo L'Americano.

Antonio, we're being threatened by Leo L'Americano.

That's not good, Piccola.

Oh, at last there'll be some excitement in our lives.

Two million lire is an awful lot to pay for it.

You're not going to pay.

You're going to fight it out with them.

- Am I? - Mother, Father, come at once!

Something wonderfully exciting's happened.

You must phone the police.

Yes, I suppose so.

Well, answer it.

Pellegrini.

One word to the police, and you're as dead as committed suicide.

Well, who was it?

Leo L'Americano.

What did he say?

He said if I tried to phone the police,

it was as good as committing suicide.

Oh, I wish I'd answered it.

What is it?

Antonio's just spoken to Leo L'Americano.

- He's being blackmailed. Read this! - Blackmailed?

I could ask the porter if he saw who brought the letters.

Probably thrown in through an open window.

Oh, do be careful. The telephone, Piccola.

I'm going to call Avvocato Catoni.

- Who is he? - A lawyer.

He lives downstairs. He's smart.

Amore. Amore. Love.

I was born to love. I am the great love.

I speak the English very well, eh, Julia?

Si, Avvocato. Benissimo.

Pronto?

Oh, it's you, Signora.

Oh, hello, Avvocato.

Yes. Would you come up right away, please?

I need you.

You need me?

No. Your advice.

Oh, you will? It's very important.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, quick, quick. She wants to see me.

I must be like an Englishman.

How do you say it? Cool, calm, and collected.

Even though my heart is on fire.

Cool, cool, cool.

Am I not a handsome man, eh, Julia?

Si, Avvocato.

Si, no woman can resist me.

Quick, quick. My coat.

Well, things were complicated enough.

Great Scott. Our lives are in danger.

Of course you'll pay the money at once.

Not one lira do I give them.

Nothing. Let them whistle for it.

So that's how much your own flesh and blood means to you.

Well, maybe I offer them one million.

But they've asked for two.

They're not going to be content with one miserable little million.

Then you will have to lend it to me, Pa.

Me? -You're mentioned in the letter as well, aren't you?

- Yes, but... - We go halves!

You miser.

Just because of your contemptable meanness,

we shall all finish up with our throats cut.

Mama.

They've come to get us.

Godfrey, arm yourself.

Poker! Poker!

Go away!

Oh, thank goodness it's only you, Avvocato.

Oh, let me.

Come, come, come. Please.

What can I do for you, Signora?

We've had a threatening letter from Leo L'Americano,

and we did want to ask your advice.

Come va? -Bene. -Adesso ti chiamo.

This is my mother and my father.

How do you do?

- How do you do? - How do you do?

How do you do? Well, I beg your pardon.

A blackmailing letter?

Yes, Antonio has to find two million lire by midnight tonight.

Oh, we haven't got two million.

How much have you got?

- I won't tell him. - You must.

- One million. - Oh, it is not enough.

- We know that already. - Then we must call the police.

What? And be murdered?

No, the police will not murder you.

I didn't suggest they would.

Why don't you read the letter?

Yes, of course. Read the letter. Read the letter.

We must keep cool, cool, cool, cool.

Please sit down.

It is a situation that must be handled calmly.

Well, get on and handle it then.

Oh, it is clear from the tone of the letter

the money must be delivered.

We knew that.

Shh. He's handling it calmly.

But Avvocato, the deadline is getting nearer every minute.

Cool, Mrs Pellegrini.

Cool, cool.

Excitability will get us nowhere.

Seems to me you're getting more excited than we are.

Not at all. When I think as hard as I am doing at this moment,

it's not unnatural for me to look a little flushed.

But you, Mrs Pellegrini,

you have a wonderful, calming influence.

Ooh, the coolness of your skin, an inspiration.

In a moment, there is an idea.

The sooner the better.

In the meantime, our lives are ticking away.

I have it.

We offer them a down payment of one million,

and you, Mr Pellegrini, will offer yourself as security

till the rest of the money is found.

I will?

Why don't you just shoot me as I stand here?

You'll only be held as hostage for a few days

till we find the rest of the money.

You're not afraid, are you?

Maybe we can offer them Ciocio.

They'd only keep him a few hours.

What an unnatural father you are.

Cool, cool.

There is an alternative.

- But what is that? - A general flight.

But where to?

To my villa, in Sorrento.

I'm afraid it's too late for that.

Those two men studying this window

don't look like window cleaners.

- What? - The flat is being watched.

One had to expect that.

- You didn't. - Oh, come, come.

A little setback like this is only a spur to ingenuity.

We can leave the building in disguise.

As what?

One, two, three, four.

And a child.

- Five. - And the maid.

We don't have to take the maid.

Oh, yes. Someone must be there to protect Ciocio.

Six.

There is a theatrical costumier's across the street.

I will go and hire something for us all.

There is not a moment to lose.

And even when I'm away, remember, keep cool.

Remember, I come back very quickly.

Cool.

Oh, thank goodness. I thought of the Avvocato.

You think of him too much.

How does that fool expect us to go out dressed like a circus?

The Avvocato will find suitable clothes.

I'm sure we can trust him.

- Well, I'm not. - Trust?

- What? - The Wilsons.

I knew I'd forgotten something.

What are you talking about?

We're expecting the chairman of the British Consular Trust to dinner.

This is no time to be worrying about the Wilsons.

Oh, Daddy, we can't wait for them.

We've got to put some things together.

Mummy, quick.

Antonio, go and tell the maid to get ready.

Maria.

Maria, how calm can you be?

Who wants me to be calm?

Just for five minutes.

Do you want me to?

Very well. I am calm.

We have to leave here.

- You and I? - No, no, all of us.

- When? - Immediately.

There's no time to lose.

You'll be discovered.

No, no, this is a precaution.

Where are we going?

I'll tell you all that when we're out of danger.

Ah, so you are in danger.

Only if I stay here.

Is there still time to get away unseen?

We have to disguise ourselves.

That is being arranged for us.

All you have to do is get what things you need.

And join us in the living room.

Joycey, how will this do?

Oh, don't be absurd, Godfrey.

What do you think you're doing?

Well, I thought I could pass as a Turkish carpet seller.

Well, Mr Catoni has brought costumes for us all.

Oh, do let's see what they are.

Now, if everybody will keep cool for just one moment,

while I catch my breath, we shall see.

Now, these come from the chorus of Il Trovatore

the famous opera by the great Verdi.

Of course, I sing much better when I haven't just run upstairs.

- But I haven't sung for years. - Nobody need sing.

This burst of mine was just to rally everyone's spirits.

So what are these costumes?

The Brothers of the Misericordia.

It's a non-religious sect.

We will appear to be going to a funeral.

- Whose funeral? - Oh, anybody's funeral.

People are dying all the time.

No one will suspect a thing.

Now, listen carefully.

I will wait round the corner with two taxis.

Come out quietly, keep cool,

and wear these as though you wore them every day.

Then into the taxis and off to Sorrento.

But I must be at the bank in the morning.

Oh, that can be arranged.

All you need is a doctor's certificate.

Did you see those two men still watching the windows?

Yes.

But won't they follow us to your villa?

And if they do, they will find Dorothy posing as my wife.

- Oh! - No, this is too much.

I'd sooner pay the two million lire.

Would you rather be shot?

No, then is settled.

Dorothy is my wife.

Where will I be?

Among the servants disguised as my footman.

Now, that's the part I used to play in our dramatic club.

Couldn't I be the footman?

Really, Godfrey, what would be the sense of that?

Yes, but what...

You can make this much easier by leaving everything to me.

Couldn't I just...

It's your life we're trying to save.

Oh, Maria, you must put on one of these.

Hurry up now.

This is Ciocio's, Maria. I'll help you to put him into it.

Well, I still wish I could've been a Turkish carpet seller

or even a footman.

My Lord, the carriage waits.

Oh, I don't know how to thank you.

Dear lady, to have you as my wife, even in make believe,

is all the thanks I want.

Oh, what a romantic I am.

I will go and wait in the taxi.

Come as soon as you are ready.

- Bye-bye. - Goodbye.

Piccola, Piccola. Where's Ciocio?

Don't be ridiculous!

She gave me the wrong coat. It's too big.

Here! Come on!

Well, they must be in if they've left the door open.

Hello.

May we come in?

Are you sure this is the right address?

Well, of course I'm sure.

And the right day?

Of course!

Ought we to sit down?

Well, I... I don't know.

Oh yes, this is the house all right,

there's a photograph of Mr and Mrs Dotherington.

Oh yes.

Yes, so it is.

Well, they are expecting us.

Do you think you ought to call or something?

Well, what would you suggest I call?

Well, just Mr Dotherington.

Dotherington?

A little louder, don't you think?

Well, it's not the sort of name you can call loudly.

Dotherington?

Marjory, look.

That was a different one.

Yes, I think they always go round in pairs.

That was a woman.

Yes, I noticed that.

Oh, it must be the wrong address.

What's happened?

Something hit me in the neck.

Oh, it's only water.

So, you let yourselves be outwitted by a bank clerk?

I'm telling you, nobody come out of the building.

Only some Misericordias.

What are they, a bunch of flowers?

Mourners! You know the way they are in this country.

Mourners! Dressed in habits, going to a funeral.

I wish it had been yours.

- Dressed in habits? - Yes.

With their heads covered?

That's it, you got the idea.

But what do you think?

What do you think?

You mean, they were them?

Nooo...

Hey, look at this.

Angel Face has broken jail again.

Again?

You'd think the police'd have sense enough to break his legs.

Do you think he knows about us?

Caradiotto would have told him.

But he'll kill me.

You leave Angel Face to me.

What are you going to do?

We'll stay in this room.

If he comes looking for trouble, he'll get it.

Salute!

Nelson! Dorothy, allow me to present.

Mr Nelson Ores of Hollywood. My wife, Dorothy.

Oh, Hollywood?

How do you do?

Madam...

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Mr Ores is going to make a film in Italy.

Films. Films.

A film? Oh, how wonderful!

Anton Cordial, you know.

- Hello. - Hello.

But of course you are in film.

Me? Oh, no.

Why, I'm ever so ordinary.

Oh, nonsense. She is a born actress.

You must make a test of her.

One will make several. We'll talk about that later.

Your husband is a very influential man, madame.

He's putting up a great deal of my backing.

Oh, and what is the picture about?

Well, it's still a little fluid, you know.

But let me see if I can give you an idea.

The hero.

He's a tall, arrogant man. A man of authority.

The rival calls us. He reigns in his horse,

and at last he's face to face with the villain.

And then of course we go on to the...

Look out!

Thomas!

Really, Thomas, you must try to be more careful.

Don't let me have to tell you again.

- Cocktail. - No.

Cocktail.

Oh, please go on, Mr Ores.

I'm very sorry you were interrupted.

The hero had galloped into the courtyard...

Why, Mr Ores, what's the matter?

I beg your pardon?

Well, you looked as though you had a sudden inspiration.

- Inspiration? - Oh, these geniuses,

you never know what is in their mind.

Yes, yes, I did have an inspiration.

Your wife, the girl in the picture.

The heroine, just as I'd imagined her.

Oh, no. No, I'm not a heroine.

Oh, yes, she is a most wonderful actress.

She's playing a part all the time.

You must make a test of her.

Yes, we must keep on testing her.

You know, he doesn't hold himself properly as a footman.

I should have rehearsed him in the part.

Why didn't Dorothy marry Catoni in the first place?

It would have simplified everything.

Oh, Antonio's all right, but he's no footman.

How proud you must be of your lovely daughter, Mrs Dotherington.

Oh, and your son-in-law is enchanting,

so witty and distinguished.

Enchanting? My son-in-law?

What a perfect couple they make.

Oh, I see you mean that son-in-law.

- Oh, yes, of course. - No, thank you.

You'll have to resign yourself to being a grandmother one day.

- A grandmother. - She is a grandmother.

Go away, waiter.

Has your daughter a child then, Mrs Dotherington?

- A child? - No, no.

Of course she has.

I ought to know.

I am his father.

Oh, sorry.

Samba! (MAN SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Oh, why are we going down here?

To show you my cellar.

Oh, what's in the cellar?

Wine and privacy.

Oh, Avvocato, do you think you ought to?

I mean, your guests.

Away with formalities.

Call me Marcello.

Why, yes, Marcello. If you promise to behave.

There is only one way to behave in the company of one so beautiful.

Come this way.

Leo.

Leo, what's the gag?

- Gag? - Why the fancy coat?

My costume.

I thought you never operated outside Naples.

Operate?

If it's Catoni's dough you're after, you're too late.

- I've tied it up. - I wouldn't touch his money.

That's a new one. Well, so long as we understand each other.

We don't.

I'm softening up the dame.

Dame?

Catoni's wife.

They can't have been married very long the way he goes for her.

You see him make a meal of her?

Yes.

Well, if I get time, I might try myself.

You'll leave her alone.

Oh, so that's it, is it? Catoni's wife.

You certainly are a glutton for punishment.

Stellina, Rosana, and now this Catoni woman.

Will, you please not call her this Catoni woman?

All right, all right. Don't let's quarrel.

That's quite enough.

You take the dame and I'll take the dough.

This is very sweet for ladies.

Oh, dolce, forte, come l'amore.

There's somebody coming.

It might be Antonio. I don't think he ought to find us here.

Here, quick.

Good evening.

Hey, what's the matter?

You didn't expect to see me, did you?

Oh, you must be Mr Astrada. Would you like a drink?

I didn't come here for a drink.

You double crossing rattlesnake.

Oh, dio mio. You... You're Leo L'Americano.

You sent the letter.

What I'm gonna do to you won't need no letter.

I'm gonna shut the life out of you...

And I'm gonna...

Antonio! Oh, dear.

He's killed him. Antonio, speak to me.

It's Dorothy. Your wife.

Speak to me.

Good evening.

Oh, thank goodness he's alive.

Does he remember anything?

What were you two doing down here?

Well, I was showing Dorothy my wine.

We were, yes, and if it hadn't been for Marcello...

Well, why, he's a hero. Oh, you're wonderful.

I don't know how to thank you. Antonio, thank him.

Thank you.

Oh, little things, little things.

I still don't see why Dorothy should want to see your wine.

Looks as if someone's been drinking.

It's the gangster, Daddy, Leo L'Americano,

the blackmailer, he attacked Antonio.

What?

I always knew my son-in-law wasn't a weakling.

Oh, it wasn't him that did it. It was Marcello.

Oh, please, little things, little things.

Perhaps I am stronger than I look.

Well, call the police before he recovers.

Yes, indeed. At once. Keep cool, everyone.

You'd better run for it. I've got a car outside.

Well, now that this Leo man's been caught, we can all go home again.

And not a moment too soon.

And what do you mean by that remark?

Well, I must be at the bank in the morning.

Oh, it doesn't matter what adventures we have.

You still have to be a bank clerk.

Oh, why, piccola.

Leo L'Americano.

Who would have thought that he'd look like that?

What do you want?

Is Leo back yet?

He ain't been away.

What do you mean he ain't been away?

I saw him in Sorrento last night

when they knocked out Angel Face and sent for the police.

Hello, Leo.

Hi. What's all that?

Well, you saw it.

Yeah. Yeah, so what?

I just wanted to make sure you made a getaway.

I'm here, ain't I?

Got the 30 million yet?

- I'm working on it. - Good.

Well, I better be getting along. I'll drop around next week.

Fair enough.

Arrivederci.

Sweet dreams.

Well, do we get in on this?

Nothing to let you in on.

I was home here all the time, wasn't I?

It must have been the other guy.

- What other guy? - Antonio Pellegrini.

What would he be doing in Sorrento with Angel Face?

How do I know?

I don't like it.

If Angel Face is picked up, it'll be in the papers.

Go and get one.

There hasn't been any monkey business

going on here that I don't know about, has there?

Not any more than usual.

You guys haven't tried to start something up on the side, have you?

It's true, boss.

Angel Face was knocked out last night by a lawyer named Catoni.

Well, we're out of quarantine again.

Have you seen this guy Pellegrini yet, Rosana?

You know perfectly well I haven't.

Come on with me.

Looks like this town's getting too small to hold the both of us.

Good morning.

Could I recommend you a good novel, perhaps?

Scusi, Mr Dobson.

Tolstoy's 'War and Peace'.

That should keep you occupied for quite a good time.

I was just waiting about the gangster they captured.

Tend to your new client.

Yes, Mr Dobson.

Dica, Signorina.

Do you sell stamps?

Stamps?

Oh, no, Signorina.

The post office.

Oh, I beg your pardon.

Well?

His own mother wouldn't be able to tell you two apart.

Maybe not.

You've got to use him, Leo.

But how?

I don't know, but you've got to use him.

Come on.

What's the big idea?

(MAN SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Leo!

I'm going to tell that dope what he gets off at.

Don't attract attention to yourself.

You never know who might be watching.

Take it away.

Daddy!

Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Dad!

Daddy! Dad! Dad! Daddy!

Ciocio, come here.

Hello, Ciocio.

Oh, I'm sorry.

What's the matter?

Piccola.

Piccola.

How dare you bring me flowers!

- Why not? - "Why not?", he asked. "Why not?"

It's a mistake, Antonio.

A peace offering just makes you look guilty.

Oh, don't talk to him as though he were human.

What is so unhuman about bringing my wife flowers?

Well, at least it shows you have some conscience.

I have no conscience about anything.

Oh! -You're taking the wrong approach to the whole thing.

Godfrey, do leave this to Dorothy and me.

Please take them, piccola. They are your favourite.

No!

Will someone please tell me what is wrong?

Antonio, if you go around with loose women,

you must expect to be found out sooner or later.

But I don't know any loose women.

I didn't even know any before I was married.

You were seen this morning.

When you were supposed to be at work,

you were romping into the Excelsior hotel

- with some abandoned creature. - That's nonsense.

There's no point in trying to brazen it out anymore.

- There's a witness. - What witness?

Ciocio!

Ciocio! Now I am going to spank him.

Don't you dare touch him.

Are you going to punish the child for telling the truth?

No, for telling lies. Let me...

He's seen enough of his father's behaviour for one day.

But I've been behind the cashier's window the whole time.

I knew you were a rake from the moment I set eyes on you.

- Rake? - It means you get around.

I do not get around.

Eight hours every day, I stand in one position.

That's what you've been telling me all these years.

Soon you'll be telling me I run an opium den.

I can believe anything now.

Opium too?

I do not run an opium den.

As soon as Marcello comes back, I shall...

I shall ask him about a divorce.

Oh, piccola.

And I never want to see you again.

And you can keep your piccola for your other women.

There are no other women.

And take them your flowers!

Please. May I have something to eat?

Oh, sir, I was told not to give you anything.

What? Not even in my own house?

I suppose I am to be starved into confessing something I didn't do.

You don't believe I spent the morning

at the Excelsior with a woman.

No.

I think I know who did.

You mean Ciocio has not made all this up?

- No. - Then who was it?

For your sake, it's better that you do not know too much.

Too much?

In all my life, I've never known so little.

I've kept you some chicken.

No, thank you.

I'm no longer hungry. I have some bicarbonate.

- Maria! - Coming.

Oh, answer the door, will you?

I'll be the baker. We want two loaves.

Two loaves.

Signor Pellegrini?

Yes?

They want you down at the bank right away.

I'm Mr Dobson's chauffeur.

I have a car outside.

What's wrong?

I wouldn't know that.

I believe there's some query from the auditors about your books.

My books?

But the auditors have not yet seen my books.

Well, this is last year's.

They want you right away. They don't want to waste any time.

I've wasted it.

It seems to me about 365 days.

Can you come right away?

Yes.

Yes, I suppose so.

Here they are.

Come on, get him in.

Beat it.

OK, let it out.

Hey, give him a drink.

Do you remember who I am?

Yes.

- Who am I? - Me.

Correct. Take off your duds.

- My what? - Your clothes.

With a lady present?

Don't mind me. I used to work in a mortuary.

- Peel him. - No, no.

- Come on. - No, no.

You must help me. You must give me your advice.

First things first.

The woman. We must deal with the lioness in her den.

You and I will go together to the Hotel Excelsior and face her.

Let us all go and face the...

Don't be absurd.

No. No, I couldn't. I couldn't, really.

For your home, for your honour, you must brave anything!

Besides, I shall be with you.

- Virtue will triumph. - Bravo!

OK, you can come out of there.

Now, show me how you walk.

Cover the room a couple of times.

I said walk.

Turn.

OK, you can pack it up.

I said pack it up.

Stop.

Do you smoke?

Well, I don't mind one now and again.

What a guy.

Don't smoke.

Flat feet, expression blank.

You are describing yourself.

Speak when you're spoken to.

No, no, no, no, please.

Now,

what's the name of the night watchman at the Anglo-Italian bank?

- I don't know. - What?

P... P... Pasquale.

Pasquale what?

Pasquale Rosini.

What's the combination of the safe?

The code word.

The code word for the combination of the safe...

The word for the combination...

And don't take all day.

Don't rush me. It's on the tip of my tongue.

Yes. It's the name of an animal.

- Which one? - It's coming.

- Cat? - No.

- Dog? - No.

It's an animal that flies.

Animals don't fly.

This one does. Wait.

It's not an animal. It's an insect.

Well, why didn't you say so?

Because you scared me.

Is it a bat?

No, it's not a bat.

- Horns. - Horns?

An insect with horns.

If you're trying to take us for a ride, I'll flay the hide off you.

- Beetle. - Yes. Yes, beetle.

Stag beetle.

Oh, yes. Stag beetle.

Is that on the level?

He's on the level, all right.

OK.

We crack at night.

Midnight.

Meet me there.

I'm going to get something to eat.

Take care of him.

Come on, Rosana.

Now, Little Lord Fauntleroy.

Shall we put him back in the trunk?

Oh, no, no. Not that.

Tie him up.

That's got him.

Come on now. Give us that.

Come on, baby. Up you get.

There's a good lad.

Ah, it's gotta be the trunk.

Oh, he'll be OK in the bathroom.

As long as you behave!

Yeah, be a good boy.

Due martini.

For madame?

Hors d'oeuvres.

OK.

What's the matter with you?

I'm ashamed to be seen out with you in that potato sack.

I got to wear it, don't I?

If you say so, I still don't see why.

Well, I'm him, ain't I?

He's got to be there, isn't he?

He's gonna take the rap tomorrow, not me.

You mean you're going to crack the safe tonight?

What do you think?

That's more like the guy I'm crazy about.

Stay that way, baby.

Hello, Rosana. Hello, Leo.

Leo. Who's your tailor?

You leave him alone.

He looks cute.

Red handed!

You traitor!

What do you think you are?

Stay out of this. What's the big idea?

You saw them. You saw them kissing.

- Absolutely. - So you're in it too, huh?

Yes, in the interest of your wife.

- My wife? - His wife?

- His wife. - Whose wife?

He didn't tell you he had a wife, did he?

But he has, and I'm it.

Surely, Avvocato, she's your wife?

- My wife? - Your wife?

No, I'm not his wife. I'm your wife.

It didn't look like it last night.

- Whose wife were you last night? - You know very well

I was only pretending to be his wife to save you.

Save me? Who from?

Angel Face.

Angel Face? What's he got to do with him?

- You're Dorothy. - Of course.

- She is indeed. - I don't care who you are.

She is my wife.

Who? Her?

Yes, her.

Is he your husband?

Sure, I'm her husband.

Her husband?

Whose husband?

My husband!

You've been married all this time, you double-crosser, you!

Never speak to me again.

Take me out of here, anywhere.

Now see what you've done.

What I've done?

What you've done, you, you...

- Bigamist. - You bigamist!

- Are you a bigamist? - No.

Ah, beat it back home.

Half Naples is watching.

Listen. I don't care who's watching.

You didn't mind who was watching

when you sat there kissing that woman.

We'd all better discuss this in private. Come, Dorothy.

Come, Antonio.

Nothing doing. I'm staying right here.

Look at him. Trying to brazen it out.

If you don't do as Marcello says,

I'll call the police and they'll make you come home.

Police?

Better stop 'em coming, ain't I?

Oh, yes, better. Andiamo.

My goodness, he's going off with her.

I did see them together last night, you know.

You sure he's not double-crossing you?

No. How can I be?

- Thank you, Maria. - Good evening.

Go to the living room, Marcello. Come along, Antonio.

What are you doing here?

You.

Of course it's him. What's the matter, Maria?

- Let me go! No! - Antonio!

- Even the maid! - Oh!

What are you doing in this joint?

What have you done with Antonio, you devil?

Keep your trap shut. You'll get what he's got.

You've killed him.

Not yet. Only if you squeal. Right now, I'm Antonio. See?

Marcello!

Are you dead to all sense of shame?

- Yes. - What?

Well, at least he might have the decency to keep it discreet.

So there you are.

Yeah. Here I am.

In England, there would be only one course open to me.

- I... I... I... - You'd horse whip him.

Yes, exactly.

Go ahead and try.

We must none of us descend to violence.

Keep cool. Cool.

I'm afraid, Maria, I shall have to give you notice.

Oh, no, no, you can't.

You may have two weeks' salary, but you leave tonight.

That dame stays in this apartment.

How dare you protect her!

Oh, you don't know what you're doing, any of you.

Oh, poor Antonio.

How dare you call your master that?

She'll call him what she likes.

Haven't you done enough, Antonio?

Enough? He hasn't even started yet.

None of us are safe.

- You are. - Oh, please, try to keep cool.

Shut up, the pack of you!

Now, you first.

Get out of here.

- What? - Antonio!

You heard me, get out of here!

I shall be downstairs if you need me.

Now, you two hay bags.

Shut yourself in this room and forget to come out.

But it's dinner time.

I don't care if it's spring time in the Rockies. Beat it.

Don't lower yourself crawling with him, Godfrey.

I wasn't going to, my dear.

- I was merely... - In!

Now, you.

- Which is your room? - There.

Antonio!

What are you doing?

You've insulted my mother and my father.

You've offended Avvocato Catoni,

and now, in my own house,

you're attacking the maid!

Get back where you belong!

And you're next.

Antonio, what's come over you?

I've never seen you like this before.

Take a good look while the going's good.

Why are you always yapping your head off?

Don't you ever give your tongue a rest?

Well, I like that.

After what I saw with that other woman,

do you expect me to take it lying down?

No, like this.

Oh, Antonio!

Avvocato.

Avvocato.

Avvocato.

What is it?

I must get to the Excelsior Hotel.

You take a taxi there.

Oh, no, no. I'm locked in the kitchen.

Oh, wait a moment. I help you.

Believe me, Rosana, Leo's no use to you.

The new racket is films.

You and I could make millions together.

I'll think it over.

If I'm not back in half an hour, come to room 324 and ask for me.

324 in half an hour.

- Buona fortuna. - Grazie.

Come up to room 324 in half an hour.

Hey! Wait!

Looking for someone?

I, uh, came back to fetch some things I left behind.

You mean some of your innocent little ideals?

No, some photographs and a silver hairbrush.

Your silver hairbrush wouldn't have two legs

and answer to the name of Leo, would it?

Certainly not.

Double six.

Hey!

Look what Santa Claus has brought us.

Well, if the swallow ain't come back to Capistrano.

Have either of you two seen a silver hairbrush

belonging to orphan Annie?

Yeah.

I've been using it to comb my golden tresses

as I lie reclining on a rock.

It was in the bathroom.

Well, ain't there now.

May I just look?

It's locked.

Of course it is.

It's early closing day.

Maybe you'd better come back some other time.

Well, look for it and leave it with the concierge.

Very well. Thank you.

You're welcome.

I know it's there. I won't give up hope.

I won't rest until I find it.

I'll come back some other time when it's more convenient for you.

My raincoat.

What are you looking so gooey eyed about?

Oh, you, darling.

For the pity you have to go to the bank at this time of the night

just for those silly old auditors.

You'll hurry back home, won't you?

Yeah.

Do you really have to go?

Well, I...

Oh, no. I know your type.

Oh, what do you mean?

You blab it all over town.

Antonio!

Haven't you forgotten something?

You mean the maid?

No. She stays locked up, see?

No.

Something else?

Do you want another smackin'?

No. I want you to kiss me goodbye.

Oh, well. Anything to keep you quiet.

So long.

- Has he gone? - Yes, he has.

- Oh, thank heavens. - You go on, Joycey.

Oh, you all right, Dorothy?

Hmm?

Oh, yes, yes, thank you.

There's not a moment to lose.

He's obviously gone stark staring mad.

Run downstairs and get Marcello, Godfrey.

- Yes, I will. - What for?

What for? Well, to get him certified of course.

He'll murder us all if he's left at large.

He's berserk.

No, he isn't. He's wonderful.

What?

You must be gentle with her.

Shock.

I loved it.

Just think how I've misunderstood him.

Of course, he was always there, the real Antonio, and I didn't know.

But I see it all now.

I've begun to bore him.

Well, a man does get that way after a few years of marriage.

Uh, yes.

But, oh, how different it's all going to be from now.

But my darling...

For a start, you and Daddy move out of the bedroom

- and sleep on the sofa. - What?

Tonight.

Hey!

Grazie tante.

Well, good luck, boys.

Am I a little early?

Not at all. Come in.

Carlo!

Carlo!

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Carlo, will you help me?

I want to get back into L'Americano's room

to fetch something I forgot.

- Sure, I'll take you. - No, no.

Could you just lend me the passkey, only for a little while?

For you, anything.

You guys wait here unless I give you the high sign to come on in.

- Ok. - Here's the bag.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Is that you, Pasquale?

Si. Who are you?

Antonio Pellegrini.

What do you want?

I left one of my ledgers behind.

I want to balance it tonight.

The auditors are coming in tomorrow.

You'll forget your head next.

Come in.

Well, did not forget this for once.

Oh, well, I'm...

What did you do? Win the lottery?

Oh, no. Just seen the error of my ways.

Tell me, darling, what's the picture about?

Well, it's still a little fluid, you know.

Let me see if I can just give you an outline.

Now, the hero is a tall, arrogant man,

a man of authority.

Oh, thank heavens I was in time.

There.

How did you know I was here?

I swore to protect you, didn't I?

We must get out of here at once.

But I can't go like this.

Wait. I'll get you some of his clothes.

Fix your hair like his.

Did you find your ledger?

Yes, thanks.

By the way, here's the rest of that tip while you're here.

OK?

OK. Now get me to the Pellegrini house.

I want to establish that he came home.

There. Like that.

Now, nobody would know you weren't Leo.

Just keep quiet and let me do the talking.

OK, beat it back home.

I'm gonna plant enough evidence to hang this guy.

OK.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

You must get up there and in through the kitchen window.

Don't let him see you until you've been able to warn your wife.

Hurry.

And be brave.

I'll soon be back with the police.

Stellina?

Stellina.

Polizia!

I'm Commissario Scaletti.

Are you Signora Pellegrini?

- Yes! - Where is your husband?

He went back to the bank.

- Has he come home yet? - No.

Excuse me.

How dare you!

This is a bedroom!

What do you want?

To arrest Antonio Pellegrini.

- Dear, oh dear. It's the police! - Wait a minute, Godfrey.

- Help me, help me, Dorothy. - What?

This is my father and my mother,

Mr and Mrs Dotherington.

When did they arrive?

They're British. They're here on holiday.

I always knew it was a mistake to come to Italy.

We could just as well have spent a holiday

with May and Albert in Leamington!

Come along.

What is this?

Well, that's the kitchen, but there must be some mistake.

Mistake? Your husband robbed the bank

and half killed the night watchman.

Oh, but he couldn't have.

Oh, didn't he?

Take a look at this.

Datore, look.

I knew it.

He must be in the house.

He has dropped these notes.

Antonio!

Piccola.

What have you been doing?

I haven't done anything. I've been locked up all night.

Don't be afraid.

I'll stand by you to the end.

I won't let them hang you.

Hang me? What for?

You must hide. You must hide right away.

Quickly! Come on.

Quickly!

Hurry. Hurry.

I'm not afraid of you, my man.

Would you mind waiting outside?

Yes, yes, of course.

Hey!

Please help me, will you?

Antonio, what are you doing in here?

Pipe down.

But they'll find you.

Wait a minute. Freeze.

- Hey, wait a minute. - Hey, stop!

Where are you going?

- Well, I'm very well going... - Well, you can't go.

Clever daddy!

Don't shoot!

Dorothy!

Antonio, you killed him!

Wait, the bathroom!

Engaged!

One move and I shoot.

Antonio!

Won't you let me explain?

Send in Pasquale, the watchman.

Well, I tell you, it wasn't me.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Pasquale.

You identified this man as the assailant

who attacked you in the bank last night?

- With this spanner. - Absolutely.

Oh, no, Pasquale.

It was Leo L'Americano, not me.

- It was you! - Enough!

You can go.

But it wasn't me.

My wife will prove it.

She knows there is a difference.

Let's call my wife.

Call in Mr Dobson, the bank manager.

He never liked me anyway.

Mr Dobson.

Mr Dobson, this is your employee, Antonio Pellegrini.

My ex-employee.

You identified those notes

found in the home of Antonio Pellegrini

as part of the stolen money?

I do, without question.

I didn't do the robbery.

It was Leo L'Americano.

Please, Mr Dobson, tell them I am me.

Do I have to answer the prisoner?

No. You may go.

Thank you.

Won't you please call my wife, Dorothy?

She will tell you who I am and who I am not.

Mrs Pellegrini.

Ah, now you will see.

Mrs Pellegrini.

Who is this man?

He's my lawyer.

He caught Angel Face again.

A lawyer?

You can stay if you keep your mouth shut.

Antonio!

- Antonio. - Dorothy.

Antonio, Antonio.

There, you see?

Say you'll forgive me.

Forgive you? For what?

It's all my fault.

Oh, no, no, Piccola.

Look, all you have to do is to tell them who I really am.

Mrs Pellegrini.

Is your husband or is he not the gangster Leo L'Americano?

- Yes, but it's all my fault. - What?

Dorothy.

I drove him to a life of violence

by the way I treated him.

No, no, no, piccola, you treated me beautifully.

Oh, darling.

Don't you see, it's no use trying to deny it now.

You were wonderful.

Wonderful.

Last night I realised for the first time what you really are.

The man I've always longed for, dreamed of.

No matter what may happen now, Antonio,

I'll treasure your memory all the days of my life.

My memory?

Be brave, my love.

Let your courage blaze to the end.

To the end?

Are you going to execute me?

Mmm... No.

Oh. Well, it's not important anyway.

No? - However long they take you away from me,

- I'll wait for you. - Thank you.

What do 10, 20, 30 years matter?

I'll visit you every day.

I'll bring you your dinner.

I'll keep you in my heart until the day we are together again.

In 30 years' time.

My hero.

What's going on out there?

Datore, there is a double.

- This woman led us to him. - Where is he?

He slipped his handcuffs as we were bringing him in.

OK, go, on the double!

Oh, well, now I look back at the whole thing,

I can't think how anybody in their right mind

could possibly have mistaken Antonio for a gangster.

No.

- Well, I didn't. - You wouldn't.

No, of course he wouldn't.

Of course not.

I wish somebody would tell me

what this Leo has that is so wonderful.

Is he any better looking than I am?

No, we are the same.

Chalk from cheese, my dear boy.

Chalk from cheese.

Excuse me, Mrs Dotherington,

are you coming to say good night to Ciocio?

Yes, of course.

Oh, and Maria, you haven't moved our bedclothes

back into the bedroom yet.

Oh, but... where is Mr Pellegrini going to sleep?

Why, where he's always slept, of course,

on the sofa.

Of course, on the sofa.

Never again do I sleep on that sofa.

But Antonio, you're talking to my parents.

Never again do I talk to your parents.

Antonio!

Don't Antonio me.

How do you know I am Antonio?

Well, of course you are.

Aren't you?

Yes, of course he is.

Isn't he, Godfrey?

Irrefutably.

Isn't he, Maria?

Yes, yes.

You know, things got very mixed up that night.

This is too much.

I can't bear it a moment longer.

Oh, don't!

I shall have a nervous breakdown.

Have two or three.

But Antonio, you're... You're only joking, aren't you?

Sure, I'm only joking.

If I was Leo, would I stand around here talking like this.

No, I'd take Ciocio's water pistol like this

and shut you all up.

Are you really the gangster?

I'll call the police.

No, no, no, no, no. Don't do that.

It's only me.

I hope so.

But how can I really be sure?

Now are you sure?

No.

What?

I don't think I ever want to be.

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