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1
00:00:03,535 --> 00:00:07,005
[♪]
2
00:00:15,681 --> 00:00:18,049
♪ love and marriage ♪
3
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♪ love and marriage ♪
4
00:00:20,519 --> 00:00:22,320
♪ go together like ♪
5
00:00:22,321 --> 00:00:24,789
♪ a horse and carriage ♪
6
00:00:24,790 --> 00:00:28,793
♪ this I tell ya, brother ♪
7
00:00:28,794 --> 00:00:30,729
♪ you can't have one ♪
8
00:00:30,730 --> 00:00:33,632
♪ without the other ♪
9
00:00:33,633 --> 00:00:35,934
♪ love and marriage ♪
10
00:00:35,935 --> 00:00:38,536
♪ love and marriage ♪
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00:00:38,537 --> 00:00:39,938
♪ it's an institute ♪
12
00:00:39,939 --> 00:00:42,340
♪ you can't disparage ♪
13
00:00:42,341 --> 00:00:46,111
♪ ask the local gentry ♪
14
00:00:46,112 --> 00:00:50,649
♪ and they will say
it's elementary ♪
15
00:00:50,650 --> 00:00:55,453
♪ try, try, try
to separate them ♪
16
00:00:55,454 --> 00:00:59,157
♪ it's an illusion ♪
17
00:00:59,158 --> 00:01:04,295
♪ try, try, try
and you will only come ♪
18
00:01:04,296 --> 00:01:07,732
♪ to this conclusion ♪
19
00:01:07,733 --> 00:01:09,834
♪ love and marriage ♪
20
00:01:15,440 --> 00:01:18,677
Game show host:
And for $100, name the chiefexport of the United States.
21
00:01:18,678 --> 00:01:20,111
Wheat.
22
00:01:20,112 --> 00:01:21,312
Woman:
Machinery.
23
00:01:21,313 --> 00:01:22,681
Machinery is correct.
24
00:01:22,682 --> 00:01:24,816
Now, which state producedthe most u.S. Presidents?
25
00:01:24,817 --> 00:01:25,817
Illinois.
26
00:01:25,818 --> 00:01:26,818
Virginia.
27
00:01:26,819 --> 00:01:28,086
Virginia is correct.
28
00:01:28,087 --> 00:01:29,921
Which side of the brain
29
00:01:29,922 --> 00:01:31,489
Controlsanalytical thinking?
30
00:01:31,490 --> 00:01:32,490
The right.
31
00:01:32,491 --> 00:01:33,491
The left.
32
00:01:33,492 --> 00:01:34,993
The left is correct!
33
00:01:34,994 --> 00:01:38,296
And we'll be right back afterthis brief commercial message.
34
00:01:38,297 --> 00:01:39,630
Man:
Hey, america.
35
00:01:39,631 --> 00:01:41,666
Who do you call whenyou don't want to cook?
36
00:01:41,667 --> 00:01:42,934
Ahab's.
37
00:01:42,935 --> 00:01:44,769
Ahab's is correct.
38
00:01:44,770 --> 00:01:47,205
Yes. Ahab'sfor fish and fowl.
39
00:01:47,206 --> 00:01:48,539
Yes, opening soon
40
00:01:48,540 --> 00:01:50,641
In an economicallydepressed area near you.
41
00:01:50,642 --> 00:01:52,077
[car approaching]
42
00:01:52,078 --> 00:01:53,144
Daddy's home. Come on.
43
00:01:58,684 --> 00:02:01,485
Hi, honey. How was your day
at the shoe store?
44
00:02:01,486 --> 00:02:02,854
I'll tell you
something, peg.
45
00:02:02,855 --> 00:02:05,556
Feet and the return
of warm weather
46
00:02:05,557 --> 00:02:08,026
Sure makes for
a deadly combination.
47
00:02:09,428 --> 00:02:12,130
Well, you knew that
going in, al.
48
00:02:12,131 --> 00:02:14,733
Yeah. My back is so tight.
49
00:02:16,001 --> 00:02:19,070
I wish I had
somebody to rub it.
50
00:02:19,071 --> 00:02:20,571
Like a wife.
51
00:02:22,441 --> 00:02:24,408
Hey, there's one now!
52
00:02:26,511 --> 00:02:28,012
How about my back?
53
00:02:28,013 --> 00:02:30,581
You know, al, I work hard
all day too.
54
00:02:30,582 --> 00:02:31,883
Yeah? Doing what?
55
00:02:36,488 --> 00:02:37,388
Ahh!
56
00:02:38,891 --> 00:02:41,692
Ohh, that feels good.
57
00:02:41,693 --> 00:02:43,027
How good?
58
00:02:50,469 --> 00:02:51,970
Where are the kids?
59
00:02:51,971 --> 00:02:53,071
Upstairs.
60
00:02:53,072 --> 00:02:54,939
What if they come down?
61
00:02:54,940 --> 00:02:56,374
I'll take care of that.
62
00:02:56,375 --> 00:02:57,608
Bud, kelly!
63
00:02:57,609 --> 00:03:00,478
You want to come down
and help me in the kitchen?
64
00:03:00,479 --> 00:03:02,046
[doors slam]
65
00:03:03,649 --> 00:03:06,450
There. That should
buy us about 10 minutes.
66
00:03:06,451 --> 00:03:09,020
Seven more
than we'll need.
67
00:03:13,125 --> 00:03:14,525
Where were we?
68
00:03:17,529 --> 00:03:18,596
We're here, bundy!
69
00:03:21,333 --> 00:03:23,334
Bundy, bundy,
don't you know
70
00:03:23,335 --> 00:03:26,070
You shouldn't leave
your door unlocked?
71
00:03:26,071 --> 00:03:29,473
It's an invitation
to intruders.
72
00:03:29,474 --> 00:03:31,509
What are they
doing here?
73
00:03:31,510 --> 00:03:34,578
They're the neighborhood watch.
I invited them.
74
00:03:34,579 --> 00:03:36,047
To watch this?!
75
00:03:37,249 --> 00:03:39,951
Uh, hi, peggy. Al.
76
00:03:39,952 --> 00:03:42,220
I hope we're not
interrupting anything.
77
00:03:42,221 --> 00:03:45,323
Nah. Just gonna have
a little sex with the wife.
78
00:03:48,460 --> 00:03:50,862
What the heck.
There's always next month.
79
00:03:52,097 --> 00:03:54,332
Our house was robbed
this afternoon.
80
00:03:54,333 --> 00:03:57,635
Gee, that's too bad.
You wanna hand me my shirt?
81
00:03:57,636 --> 00:03:59,871
What did
they steal?
82
00:03:59,872 --> 00:04:01,605
Mostly small stuff.
83
00:04:01,606 --> 00:04:03,107
Our radio,
marcie's earrings,
84
00:04:03,108 --> 00:04:05,109
Our cameras,
our answering machine.
85
00:04:05,110 --> 00:04:07,478
God only knows
who called.
86
00:04:09,048 --> 00:04:11,916
Well, at least they didn't
take anything valuable.
87
00:04:11,917 --> 00:04:13,318
Yeah, this time.
88
00:04:13,319 --> 00:04:14,986
But I know how
these vermin think.
89
00:04:14,987 --> 00:04:16,321
They take your little crap,
90
00:04:16,322 --> 00:04:19,523
Then come back later with
a truck for your big crap.
91
00:04:19,524 --> 00:04:21,525
Not gonna happen
in my house.
92
00:04:21,526 --> 00:04:22,827
I'm ready for them.
93
00:04:22,828 --> 00:04:25,463
I got 50,000 volts going
through my window bars.
94
00:04:25,464 --> 00:04:29,067
I got a bucket of battery acid
hanging over the back door
95
00:04:29,068 --> 00:04:31,936
And I got a .30-aught-6
rigged to the front doorknob.
96
00:04:31,937 --> 00:04:33,905
How do you get into
your house?
97
00:04:33,906 --> 00:04:35,740
Wouldn't you
like to know?
98
00:04:37,542 --> 00:04:39,677
Now, the question
before us is:
99
00:04:39,678 --> 00:04:42,413
What are we gonna
do about it?
100
00:04:42,414 --> 00:04:44,782
I say we hunt
the scum down,
101
00:04:44,783 --> 00:04:47,151
And then we run them over
with our cars.
102
00:04:47,152 --> 00:04:49,020
Then we get out
these fishhooks--
103
00:04:49,021 --> 00:04:50,021
Marcie!
104
00:04:50,022 --> 00:04:51,089
I'm sorry.
105
00:04:51,090 --> 00:04:54,225
I don't know
what came over me.
106
00:04:54,226 --> 00:04:56,427
It's just that
I feel violated.
107
00:04:56,428 --> 00:04:58,296
Someone's been in my home,
in my bedroom.
108
00:04:58,297 --> 00:04:59,764
I feel so helpless.
109
00:04:59,765 --> 00:05:03,935
We'd all feel helpless
in your bedroom, marce.
110
00:05:03,936 --> 00:05:06,037
You got
any more beer?
111
00:05:06,038 --> 00:05:07,238
No.
112
00:05:07,239 --> 00:05:10,241
And in all the excitement,
I forgot to ask--
113
00:05:10,242 --> 00:05:13,144
Why are you meeting
in my house?
114
00:05:13,145 --> 00:05:16,281
Because our wives
didn't want you in ours.
115
00:05:16,282 --> 00:05:19,617
Hi. Did I
miss anything?
116
00:05:19,618 --> 00:05:22,653
You want me
back on my wife?
117
00:05:22,654 --> 00:05:24,022
Not on my account.
118
00:05:24,023 --> 00:05:26,090
I just wanted to say
I'm sorry you got robbed.
119
00:05:26,091 --> 00:05:27,691
It wasn't me.
It was them!
120
00:05:27,692 --> 00:05:29,093
Yeah, it was you.
121
00:05:29,094 --> 00:05:30,828
Somebody smashed
your car windshield,
122
00:05:30,829 --> 00:05:32,063
Stole your radio,
123
00:05:32,064 --> 00:05:34,665
And wrote "wash me"
on your hood.
124
00:05:34,666 --> 00:05:36,867
My car!
They stole my radio?
125
00:05:36,868 --> 00:05:38,702
Hey, bundy.
The thieves have a point.
126
00:05:38,703 --> 00:05:40,338
You really ought
to wash your car.
127
00:05:40,339 --> 00:05:42,106
Get out!
128
00:05:43,409 --> 00:05:44,575
Out! Out!
129
00:05:44,576 --> 00:05:47,611
Pretend there's a keg
on the lawn.
130
00:05:47,612 --> 00:05:48,579
Out! Out!
131
00:05:52,217 --> 00:05:55,086
I can't believe
they stole my radio
132
00:05:55,087 --> 00:05:56,955
Right in front
of my house!
133
00:05:56,956 --> 00:05:58,423
I know how you feel.
134
00:05:58,424 --> 00:06:01,025
If you did, steve,
you wouldn't be touching me.
135
00:06:01,026 --> 00:06:03,461
Maybe we should
get more involved
136
00:06:03,462 --> 00:06:05,063
With the
neighborhood watch.
137
00:06:05,064 --> 00:06:07,498
Look. You can't depend
on anybody but yourself.
138
00:06:07,499 --> 00:06:09,167
I've put this off long enough.
139
00:06:09,168 --> 00:06:10,868
I'm buying a gun.
140
00:06:10,869 --> 00:06:12,570
A gun is not the answer.
141
00:06:12,571 --> 00:06:15,073
You can't curtail
the criminal element
142
00:06:15,074 --> 00:06:16,975
By sinking
to their level.
143
00:06:16,976 --> 00:06:19,077
Oh, excuse me,
miss let's-run-them-over
144
00:06:19,078 --> 00:06:21,179
And-get-out
the-fishhooks.
145
00:06:21,180 --> 00:06:23,514
I was upset.
I wasn't thinking clearly.
146
00:06:23,515 --> 00:06:25,483
Yes. She wasn't
using the left,
147
00:06:25,484 --> 00:06:27,185
Or analytical,
portion of the brain.
148
00:06:29,754 --> 00:06:32,656
I'm definitely
getting a gun.
149
00:06:32,657 --> 00:06:34,359
And I'd advise you
to do the same.
150
00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:37,462
Now, come on. There's got
to be a more humane way
151
00:06:37,463 --> 00:06:39,364
To protect our home
and possessions.
152
00:06:39,365 --> 00:06:40,498
There is.
153
00:06:40,499 --> 00:06:43,134
We'll get a dog.
A good watch dog.
154
00:06:43,135 --> 00:06:46,337
A dog. That's a great idea.
I've got a dog.
155
00:06:46,338 --> 00:06:49,007
Buck, look!
Strangers in the house!
156
00:06:49,008 --> 00:06:52,110
Kill them, buck.
Go kill them!
157
00:06:52,111 --> 00:06:54,278
Whoa, big fella.
158
00:06:54,279 --> 00:06:57,015
I don't mean
a stupid dog.
159
00:06:57,016 --> 00:06:59,550
I'm talking
about a real dog.
160
00:06:59,551 --> 00:07:01,019
A guard dog.
161
00:07:01,020 --> 00:07:02,020
A doberman.
162
00:07:02,021 --> 00:07:03,521
Steve,
first thing tomorrow,
163
00:07:03,522 --> 00:07:06,957
We're going to one of
those deadly doggy places.
164
00:07:06,958 --> 00:07:09,060
Yes, al, because
we're against guns
165
00:07:09,061 --> 00:07:11,562
And the violence
they stand for.
166
00:07:11,563 --> 00:07:13,564
That's right. A dog.
167
00:07:13,565 --> 00:07:16,200
A vicious dog
with sharp teeth
168
00:07:16,201 --> 00:07:18,136
That will go
through a jugular
169
00:07:18,137 --> 00:07:21,072
Like a hot knife cutting through
butter on a warm, summer night--
170
00:07:21,073 --> 00:07:22,407
Come along, dear.
171
00:07:22,408 --> 00:07:25,043
So that the next guy who tries
to get in my bedroom uninvited
172
00:07:25,044 --> 00:07:27,611
Will walk out
on bloody stumps.
173
00:07:27,612 --> 00:07:30,314
[dog barks]
174
00:07:30,315 --> 00:07:32,183
When was the last time
you called
175
00:07:32,184 --> 00:07:34,318
To complain
about the dog?
176
00:07:34,319 --> 00:07:36,754
Yesterday. But marcie
said to stop calling.
177
00:07:36,755 --> 00:07:38,589
She said the ringing
makes him bark.
178
00:07:38,590 --> 00:07:40,858
Everything
makes him bark.
179
00:07:40,859 --> 00:07:42,593
Hey, dad, it's been
two weeks,
180
00:07:42,594 --> 00:07:44,828
And you haven't even
let me see the gun yet,
181
00:07:44,829 --> 00:07:46,697
Let alone pick off
a pigeon or two.
182
00:07:46,698 --> 00:07:50,168
Bud, guns are not toys.
They are lethal weapons
183
00:07:50,169 --> 00:07:53,171
And should only be handled
by responsible adults.
184
00:07:53,172 --> 00:07:55,406
When dad was practicing
his quick draws
185
00:07:55,407 --> 00:07:57,007
At the tv
during donahue--
186
00:07:57,008 --> 00:07:59,077
Bud, number one,
shut up.
187
00:07:59,078 --> 00:08:01,412
Number two,
it was phil's salute
188
00:08:01,413 --> 00:08:04,615
To the huge and fat
women's caucus.
189
00:08:04,616 --> 00:08:07,552
Number three, there
were no bullets in the gun.
190
00:08:07,553 --> 00:08:10,588
Your mother took them out
and hid them for safety reasons,
191
00:08:10,589 --> 00:08:12,156
And she won't tell me where.
192
00:08:12,157 --> 00:08:13,357
Guns, guns, guns.
193
00:08:13,358 --> 00:08:16,026
Can't anyone talk
about me for a change?
194
00:08:16,027 --> 00:08:19,130
Okay, kelly.
Where were you last night?
195
00:08:19,131 --> 00:08:22,400
So, dad, what kind
of gun did you buy?
196
00:08:22,401 --> 00:08:23,801
[doorbell rings]
197
00:08:23,802 --> 00:08:25,103
[dog barks]
198
00:08:25,104 --> 00:08:26,204
Coming!
199
00:08:32,611 --> 00:08:34,479
Hi, peg.
200
00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:37,081
Borrow
a cup of kibble?
201
00:08:37,082 --> 00:08:40,017
We ran out, and
the dog's still hungry.
202
00:08:40,018 --> 00:08:41,252
What's the matter?
203
00:08:41,253 --> 00:08:44,054
The neighbor's cat
didn't fill him up?
204
00:08:44,055 --> 00:08:47,191
That cat was
taunting him, al.
205
00:08:47,192 --> 00:08:49,727
Gee, you two
look cute.
206
00:08:49,728 --> 00:08:53,964
I can't get al
to dress unisex at all.
207
00:08:53,965 --> 00:08:55,666
This is protective gear.
208
00:08:55,667 --> 00:08:57,568
You see, bella still
hasn't accepted us
209
00:08:57,569 --> 00:08:59,103
As his rightful owners.
210
00:08:59,104 --> 00:09:01,772
You named that dog
after bela lugosi?
211
00:09:01,773 --> 00:09:04,008
No. Abzug.
212
00:09:04,009 --> 00:09:06,644
We thought
it was kind of cute.
213
00:09:06,645 --> 00:09:09,614
But he won't
wear the hat.
214
00:09:09,615 --> 00:09:11,182
Oh, listen al,
by the way,
215
00:09:11,183 --> 00:09:13,984
We want to apologize
about your fence.
216
00:09:13,985 --> 00:09:15,353
What happened
to my fence?
217
00:09:15,354 --> 00:09:16,554
Bella ate
through it.
218
00:09:16,555 --> 00:09:18,088
Wow!
219
00:09:18,089 --> 00:09:19,423
It was just
a little piece.
220
00:09:19,424 --> 00:09:20,791
Yeah, not much, really.
221
00:09:20,792 --> 00:09:23,194
About the size
of a human face.
222
00:09:23,195 --> 00:09:26,197
Rhoades, what are we
going to do about this?
223
00:09:26,198 --> 00:09:28,732
Look, we'll handle this
the same way
224
00:09:28,733 --> 00:09:31,235
We dealt with
the cat incident.
225
00:09:31,236 --> 00:09:33,237
Get estimates,
and we'll make it good.
226
00:09:33,238 --> 00:09:35,706
Look, we know bella
can be loud and annoying,
227
00:09:35,707 --> 00:09:38,609
And the whole neighborhood
hates his guts,
228
00:09:38,610 --> 00:09:40,444
But at least
he's a good protector.
229
00:09:40,445 --> 00:09:43,514
Gee, mom, that's just
what you say about dad.
230
00:09:45,350 --> 00:09:48,386
Mount up! They just
hit the johnsons.
231
00:09:48,387 --> 00:09:50,087
Tv and major appliances.
232
00:09:50,088 --> 00:09:53,090
We're meeting
at the bowl and brew
233
00:09:53,091 --> 00:09:54,692
To calm
ourselves down.
234
00:09:54,693 --> 00:09:56,093
Ha! See that!
235
00:09:56,094 --> 00:09:58,095
They didn't
hit our place.
236
00:09:58,096 --> 00:10:01,799
That's what a good dog
will do for you.
237
00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:04,635
Come on.
Grab the meal and the mace.
238
00:10:04,636 --> 00:10:06,970
It's time
to feed our doggy.
239
00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:10,140
[snoring]
240
00:10:15,214 --> 00:10:17,114
[glass breaks]
241
00:10:17,115 --> 00:10:18,416
[snoring]
242
00:10:20,552 --> 00:10:23,120
Peg, did you
hear that?
243
00:10:23,121 --> 00:10:26,490
How could I hear anything
the way you snore?
244
00:10:28,126 --> 00:10:29,227
[thump]
245
00:10:29,228 --> 00:10:30,761
What was that?
246
00:10:30,762 --> 00:10:32,129
I don't know.
247
00:10:32,130 --> 00:10:33,130
[glass breaks]
248
00:10:33,131 --> 00:10:35,132
Don't worry.
I'll go check.
249
00:10:35,133 --> 00:10:36,634
No, al!
Call the police.
250
00:10:36,635 --> 00:10:37,668
For noise?
251
00:10:37,669 --> 00:10:40,638
It might be a burglar.
Call the police.
252
00:10:42,107 --> 00:10:44,508
I can't.
Kelly's on the phone.
253
00:10:46,177 --> 00:10:47,578
What are you doing?
254
00:10:47,579 --> 00:10:48,846
Getting my gun.
255
00:10:48,847 --> 00:10:50,681
You gonna tell me
where you hid the bullets,
256
00:10:50,682 --> 00:10:52,216
Or are you gonna wait
till the kids
257
00:10:52,217 --> 00:10:53,351
See our pictures
in the paper?
258
00:10:53,352 --> 00:10:55,152
Come on, al.
I had to hide the bullets
259
00:10:55,153 --> 00:10:56,654
So bud wouldn't find them.
260
00:10:56,655 --> 00:10:57,722
Where are they?
261
00:10:57,723 --> 00:10:59,624
They're in
the finger holes
262
00:10:59,625 --> 00:11:01,359
Of your new
bowling ball.
263
00:11:03,995 --> 00:11:06,130
Oh, this is real easy, peg.
264
00:11:06,131 --> 00:11:08,332
This is much better
than keeping them handy.
265
00:11:08,333 --> 00:11:12,370
Even an axe-wielding maniac
deserves an even break.
266
00:11:12,371 --> 00:11:13,671
Hurry, al!
267
00:11:13,672 --> 00:11:15,473
Where's buck?
Shouldn't he be barking?
268
00:11:15,474 --> 00:11:16,674
I don't know.
269
00:11:20,345 --> 00:11:23,113
You shiftless,
worthless, dirty...
270
00:11:35,360 --> 00:11:37,762
Peg, stay at the top
of the stairs.
271
00:11:37,763 --> 00:11:39,463
If anything happens,
272
00:11:39,464 --> 00:11:41,365
Get the kids,
lock yourself in a room.
273
00:11:41,366 --> 00:11:44,868
And if kelly's off the phone,
call the police.
274
00:11:44,869 --> 00:11:45,736
[rustling]
275
00:11:47,939 --> 00:11:50,408
It's coming
from the patio.
276
00:11:50,409 --> 00:11:51,542
Oh, be careful.
277
00:11:51,543 --> 00:11:52,443
I will.
278
00:12:04,623 --> 00:12:05,523
Aah!
279
00:12:17,035 --> 00:12:19,370
Okay, creep!
I see you!
280
00:12:19,371 --> 00:12:21,972
Freeze,
or I'll shoot!
281
00:12:21,973 --> 00:12:23,741
[gunshot]
282
00:12:23,742 --> 00:12:26,510
Oh, my god! Al! Al!
283
00:12:26,511 --> 00:12:27,878
Oh!
284
00:12:29,815 --> 00:12:31,649
Al, are you
all right?
285
00:12:31,650 --> 00:12:32,750
Yeah.
286
00:12:32,751 --> 00:12:34,251
What happened
out there?
287
00:12:35,987 --> 00:12:38,756
I just shot steve
and marcie's dog.
288
00:12:47,366 --> 00:12:49,233
How could you
shoot a dog?
289
00:12:49,234 --> 00:12:51,369
He didn't look
like a dog, peg.
290
00:12:51,370 --> 00:12:54,071
All I seen were these
two yellow eyes
291
00:12:54,072 --> 00:12:56,741
Staring at me from the bushes
and I told him to freeze,
292
00:12:56,742 --> 00:12:59,477
And then I thought it
made a move at me
293
00:12:59,478 --> 00:13:01,178
And I panicked.
294
00:13:01,179 --> 00:13:03,881
You couldn't tell the
difference between a dog
295
00:13:03,882 --> 00:13:05,483
And a human being?
296
00:13:05,484 --> 00:13:07,284
He was wearing a hat.
297
00:13:10,455 --> 00:13:11,555
Kelly, honey,
298
00:13:11,556 --> 00:13:14,157
I was trying
to protect our family.
299
00:13:14,158 --> 00:13:15,259
That's right.
300
00:13:15,260 --> 00:13:17,060
Dad did a good thing.
301
00:13:17,061 --> 00:13:19,229
Can I go out
and see the body?
302
00:13:19,230 --> 00:13:20,531
You're disgusting.
303
00:13:20,532 --> 00:13:23,801
And you're failing
five classes.
304
00:13:23,802 --> 00:13:25,068
Hey, hey,
kids.
305
00:13:25,069 --> 00:13:26,670
Listen to me.
306
00:13:26,671 --> 00:13:29,640
We can all learn
something from this.
307
00:13:29,641 --> 00:13:30,741
What, dad?
308
00:13:30,742 --> 00:13:33,210
I don't know.
Go to bed.
309
00:13:33,211 --> 00:13:34,578
Aw, dad!
310
00:13:34,579 --> 00:13:36,079
I wouldn't argue
with him, bud.
311
00:13:36,080 --> 00:13:37,948
He's already
killed once tonight.
312
00:13:39,350 --> 00:13:41,452
You were
very brave, al.
313
00:13:41,453 --> 00:13:42,720
Aww...
314
00:13:42,721 --> 00:13:46,390
Wasn't anything
that anybody else
315
00:13:46,391 --> 00:13:48,793
With the heart of a lion
wouldn't have done.
316
00:13:48,794 --> 00:13:50,127
I mean,
you should've seen me.
317
00:13:50,128 --> 00:13:51,429
Yeah, I was
a little nervous,
318
00:13:51,430 --> 00:13:54,532
But I got him right
between the eyes,
319
00:13:54,533 --> 00:13:57,401
And I'll tell you, there's not a
lot of space between those eyes.
320
00:14:01,573 --> 00:14:03,974
It was
a nice shot, al.
321
00:14:03,975 --> 00:14:06,477
You want to go
upstairs?
322
00:14:06,478 --> 00:14:07,411
Yeah.
323
00:14:10,549 --> 00:14:12,349
[doorbell rings]
324
00:14:12,350 --> 00:14:15,519
You don't suppose
that's steve and marcie?
325
00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:17,220
Marcie:
Peggy, al,
it's us!
326
00:14:17,221 --> 00:14:19,523
It's them. What are you
gonna tell them?
327
00:14:19,524 --> 00:14:21,992
I don't know.
But if they don't bring it up,
328
00:14:21,993 --> 00:14:23,828
We don't bring it up.
329
00:14:27,065 --> 00:14:29,066
Hey! Steve and marcie.
330
00:14:29,067 --> 00:14:32,570
What brings you two
crazy kids over here?
331
00:14:32,571 --> 00:14:34,071
We heard a shot.
332
00:14:34,072 --> 00:14:35,573
Peg, look who's here.
333
00:14:35,574 --> 00:14:38,342
It's steve and marcie
from next door.
334
00:14:38,343 --> 00:14:40,277
They heard a shot, peg.
335
00:14:41,746 --> 00:14:44,582
Are you going
to say anything tonight, peg?
336
00:14:44,583 --> 00:14:48,519
Uh...What was that
you came over here for?
337
00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:50,521
We thought we heard
a shot, al.
338
00:14:50,522 --> 00:14:52,523
They thought they
heard a shot, peg.
339
00:14:52,524 --> 00:14:54,224
Did you hear a shot?
340
00:14:55,594 --> 00:14:57,327
Say something, peg!
341
00:14:57,328 --> 00:14:59,830
I think if there
had been a shot,
342
00:14:59,831 --> 00:15:02,232
Their dog would have
started barking.
343
00:15:07,038 --> 00:15:10,708
Look, guys, I'm really sorry
about that barking.
344
00:15:10,709 --> 00:15:12,710
Oh, hey, forget
about that.
345
00:15:12,711 --> 00:15:15,212
Listen, we're friends
and neighbors here.
346
00:15:15,213 --> 00:15:18,883
We're not gonna let some
stupid dog come between us.
347
00:15:18,884 --> 00:15:20,384
Why isn't
bella barking?
348
00:15:20,385 --> 00:15:24,021
I haven't heard him
in a while.
349
00:15:24,022 --> 00:15:25,656
Al, tell them.
350
00:15:25,657 --> 00:15:26,690
Okay.
351
00:15:28,126 --> 00:15:30,060
See...
352
00:15:30,061 --> 00:15:33,063
I tell you,
I really love you guys.
353
00:15:33,064 --> 00:15:35,933
Do you love me,
huh?
354
00:15:37,235 --> 00:15:38,736
Well...Sure, al.
355
00:15:38,737 --> 00:15:40,070
You know...
356
00:15:40,071 --> 00:15:42,105
Not really.
357
00:15:43,708 --> 00:15:45,609
Tell them, al.
358
00:15:45,610 --> 00:15:47,545
I'm not going
to tell them anything
359
00:15:47,546 --> 00:15:50,480
Till they tell me
they love me.
360
00:15:50,481 --> 00:15:51,982
What's
going on here?
361
00:15:51,983 --> 00:15:53,150
All right.
362
00:15:53,151 --> 00:15:54,484
Okay.
363
00:15:54,485 --> 00:15:57,888
But you got to promise me
that you'll let me finish.
364
00:15:57,889 --> 00:15:59,356
Sure, al.
365
00:15:59,357 --> 00:16:01,559
I shot your dog.
366
00:16:03,361 --> 00:16:04,394
I'm finished.
367
00:16:07,866 --> 00:16:09,033
Bella!
368
00:16:09,034 --> 00:16:10,034
Is he...
369
00:16:10,035 --> 00:16:11,201
Alive?
370
00:16:11,202 --> 00:16:12,369
Yes.
371
00:16:12,370 --> 00:16:13,403
No.
372
00:16:15,373 --> 00:16:16,874
Where is he?
373
00:16:16,875 --> 00:16:18,876
He's out in my yard.
374
00:16:18,877 --> 00:16:20,377
You can't miss him.
375
00:16:20,378 --> 00:16:21,745
I didn't.
376
00:16:24,215 --> 00:16:25,716
You stay here.
377
00:16:25,717 --> 00:16:27,317
I'm gonna check on bella.
378
00:16:27,318 --> 00:16:29,787
You shot my puppy.
379
00:16:29,788 --> 00:16:31,288
Look, I'm sorry.
380
00:16:31,289 --> 00:16:33,256
We had a prowler
stalking our yard.
381
00:16:33,257 --> 00:16:35,292
Your dog came
to my defense.
382
00:16:35,293 --> 00:16:38,729
The burglar, he took a shot
at me, and I fired back
383
00:16:38,730 --> 00:16:40,731
And poor bella
got in the way
384
00:16:40,732 --> 00:16:43,233
And was killed
in the crossfire.
385
00:16:43,234 --> 00:16:45,235
We only heard one shot.
386
00:16:45,236 --> 00:16:47,237
It was
a simultaneous exchange.
387
00:16:47,238 --> 00:16:48,739
I don't know.
388
00:16:48,740 --> 00:16:50,240
It happened so fast.
389
00:16:50,241 --> 00:16:51,809
It's all a blur.
390
00:16:57,082 --> 00:16:58,582
You shot my dog
391
00:16:58,583 --> 00:17:01,451
In the middle
of a bowel movement?
392
00:17:08,326 --> 00:17:10,260
Steve, is he
really dead?
393
00:17:10,261 --> 00:17:11,428
Yes, dear.
394
00:17:11,429 --> 00:17:12,930
How do you know?
395
00:17:12,931 --> 00:17:15,933
Number one, he didn't respond
to any of my commands.
396
00:17:15,934 --> 00:17:17,101
And number two,
397
00:17:17,102 --> 00:17:19,302
His brains are
in the begonias.
398
00:17:22,607 --> 00:17:23,874
You killer!
399
00:17:23,875 --> 00:17:26,143
Anyone for cake
or coffee?
400
00:17:27,779 --> 00:17:30,080
Now, listen.
I said that I was sorry.
401
00:17:30,081 --> 00:17:31,715
Let me make it
up to you.
402
00:17:31,716 --> 00:17:33,083
Let me get you
another dog.
403
00:17:33,084 --> 00:17:34,785
For what,
target practice?
404
00:17:34,786 --> 00:17:37,320
We told them not
to get a gun.
405
00:17:37,321 --> 00:17:40,257
We told you not
to get a gun.
406
00:17:40,258 --> 00:17:42,793
But you had to go out
and be mr. Macho.
407
00:17:42,794 --> 00:17:44,895
Now you've taken
an innocent life.
408
00:17:44,896 --> 00:17:47,164
Now, wait a second.
This is not a defense,
409
00:17:47,165 --> 00:17:48,666
But that dog was
anything but innocent.
410
00:17:48,667 --> 00:17:51,334
I mean, he bit you.
He ate a cat.
411
00:17:51,335 --> 00:17:54,271
Given enough time,
he'd have robbed a bank.
412
00:17:54,272 --> 00:17:55,939
How much you
want for him?
413
00:17:55,940 --> 00:17:57,741
$1,000.
414
00:17:57,742 --> 00:18:01,745
$1,000 for a dog
that just sat there
415
00:18:01,746 --> 00:18:04,548
And let me
shoot him?
416
00:18:04,549 --> 00:18:06,583
You want to
get off cheap,
417
00:18:06,584 --> 00:18:08,052
Next time,
go plug a squirrel.
418
00:18:08,053 --> 00:18:09,219
All right!
419
00:18:09,220 --> 00:18:10,721
Forget the money.
420
00:18:10,722 --> 00:18:13,590
You know what I want?
421
00:18:13,591 --> 00:18:16,593
Yes, I do,
and you're too late.
422
00:18:16,594 --> 00:18:18,729
Peg's already got him.
423
00:18:18,730 --> 00:18:20,230
Your gun, al.
424
00:18:20,231 --> 00:18:22,399
Give me your gun.
425
00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:23,934
All right!
426
00:18:23,935 --> 00:18:26,937
I want to take it and throw it
in the chicago river,
427
00:18:26,938 --> 00:18:29,406
So it'll never
hurt anyone again.
428
00:18:29,407 --> 00:18:30,507
Here.
429
00:18:33,778 --> 00:18:36,980
And from now on,
we're just neighbors.
430
00:18:38,282 --> 00:18:40,984
Now I know why we got
our house so cheap.
431
00:18:45,289 --> 00:18:47,958
Well, that's done.
Where were we?
432
00:18:47,959 --> 00:18:49,760
We were going
upstairs...
433
00:18:50,895 --> 00:18:51,929
Deadeye.
434
00:18:56,067 --> 00:18:57,567
Well, all done.
435
00:18:57,568 --> 00:19:00,437
Old bella's on his way
to the landfill.
436
00:19:03,742 --> 00:19:07,644
It cost me $20 and a six-pack
for the garbage man.
437
00:19:07,645 --> 00:19:10,180
You'd think the dollar
I give him at christmas
438
00:19:10,181 --> 00:19:11,615
Would be enough.
439
00:19:11,616 --> 00:19:13,683
Yeah. Oh, by the way,
440
00:19:13,684 --> 00:19:15,085
I washed
your killing clothes.
441
00:19:15,086 --> 00:19:17,087
Have a nice day,
honey.
442
00:19:17,088 --> 00:19:18,455
[doorbell rings]
443
00:19:26,097 --> 00:19:27,264
Hi.
444
00:19:27,265 --> 00:19:28,431
Hi, al.
445
00:19:28,432 --> 00:19:29,800
Uh, listen, uh...
446
00:19:31,102 --> 00:19:32,602
Some words were said
last night,
447
00:19:32,603 --> 00:19:35,105
And I just wanted you to know
we talked it over,
448
00:19:35,106 --> 00:19:37,607
And we understand
you didn't do it on purpose.
449
00:19:37,608 --> 00:19:40,410
You didn't do it
on purpose, did you, al?
450
00:19:42,113 --> 00:19:44,614
Steve,
I'm a pet owner myself.
451
00:19:44,615 --> 00:19:48,051
Anyway, we decided to let it go
and forgive you.
452
00:19:48,052 --> 00:19:49,552
Thanks, buddy.
453
00:19:49,553 --> 00:19:53,556
So I guess if you'll just
give me bella's body,
454
00:19:53,557 --> 00:19:56,559
We can forget
about the whole thing.
455
00:19:56,560 --> 00:19:59,830
We want to give him
a decent burial
456
00:19:59,831 --> 00:20:02,833
You know, in our yard
under that big tree
457
00:20:02,834 --> 00:20:04,835
Where he did
his business.
458
00:20:04,836 --> 00:20:07,838
Except, of course,
for that last one.
459
00:20:07,839 --> 00:20:11,341
Gee, I don't know
what to say, steve. Uh...
460
00:20:11,342 --> 00:20:13,677
Yes, I do.
I can't let you do it.
461
00:20:13,678 --> 00:20:15,245
See, peg and I
talked it over
462
00:20:15,246 --> 00:20:17,915
And we realized
that since I'm at fault,
463
00:20:17,916 --> 00:20:19,316
I should handle
everything.
464
00:20:19,317 --> 00:20:22,286
So let me take care
of all the arrangements, huh?
465
00:20:22,287 --> 00:20:24,087
Well, if it'll make
you feel better,
466
00:20:24,088 --> 00:20:25,722
I guess that would
be all right.
467
00:20:25,723 --> 00:20:26,957
Marcie will like that.
468
00:20:26,958 --> 00:20:29,359
We'll do it tonight
after work.
469
00:20:29,360 --> 00:20:30,727
See you then.
470
00:20:32,864 --> 00:20:34,531
Thanks, big guy.
471
00:20:34,532 --> 00:20:35,565
Oh, uh...
472
00:20:38,203 --> 00:20:39,870
Listen, uh...
473
00:20:39,871 --> 00:20:42,372
Can you bury him
with this?
474
00:20:42,373 --> 00:20:44,908
He really loved
this bone.
475
00:20:49,848 --> 00:20:50,848
Sure, buddy.
476
00:20:56,020 --> 00:20:57,187
Hey, peg!
477
00:20:57,188 --> 00:20:58,688
I'm late for work.
478
00:20:58,689 --> 00:21:01,191
Can I ask you
to do me a little favor?
479
00:21:02,493 --> 00:21:03,861
[humming "amazing grace"]
480
00:21:17,541 --> 00:21:18,808
How much
for the crate?
481
00:21:18,809 --> 00:21:20,277
$150.
482
00:21:20,278 --> 00:21:22,312
$150?!
483
00:21:22,313 --> 00:21:25,148
Al, I didn't have time
to comparison-shop.
484
00:21:30,554 --> 00:21:33,390
Now I'd like
to say a few words
485
00:21:33,391 --> 00:21:36,159
About the dearly
departed.
486
00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:37,660
As you know,
487
00:21:37,661 --> 00:21:41,664
Bella was more than a dog
to marcie and me.
488
00:21:41,665 --> 00:21:43,166
He was family.
489
00:21:43,167 --> 00:21:45,168
One of us.
490
00:21:45,169 --> 00:21:46,669
Bella
will be missed,
491
00:21:46,670 --> 00:21:49,839
But his death
was not in vain.
492
00:21:49,840 --> 00:21:52,943
He taught us about
the value of life
493
00:21:52,944 --> 00:21:55,112
And that guns
and violence
494
00:21:55,113 --> 00:21:58,648
Are not the answer
to society's ills.
495
00:22:00,118 --> 00:22:03,120
And we can take consolation
in the knowledge
496
00:22:03,121 --> 00:22:07,124
That while he only lived
one year in dog's years,
497
00:22:07,125 --> 00:22:10,127
He lived seven
in people years.
498
00:22:10,128 --> 00:22:12,529
[whispering]
what a great job.
499
00:22:12,530 --> 00:22:14,764
I got to
hand it to you.
500
00:22:14,765 --> 00:22:16,900
That box even
feels heavy enough
501
00:22:16,901 --> 00:22:19,069
To have a dog in it.
502
00:22:19,070 --> 00:22:21,138
What did you put
in there anyway?
503
00:22:21,139 --> 00:22:24,007
Some rocks and
your bowling ball.
504
00:22:27,778 --> 00:22:30,147
But knowing
that he's...
505
00:22:30,148 --> 00:22:31,481
Right here...
506
00:22:31,482 --> 00:22:33,984
In the back yard,
507
00:22:33,985 --> 00:22:37,120
Where he was
so happy,
508
00:22:37,121 --> 00:22:41,024
Makes us all feel
a little less grief.
509
00:22:55,706 --> 00:22:57,640
[♪]
34603
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