All language subtitles for Joan.Baez.I.Am.a.Noise.2023.WEBRip.1080p.H265.DVO (1)_track3_[eng]

[crowd cheering]

♪ ["Oh Freedom"
by Joan Baez plays] ♪

Joan: ♪ Oh, freedom ♪

♪ Oh, freedom ♪

♪ Oh, freedom♪

♪ Over me♪

♪ And before I'll be a slave♪

♪ I'll be buried in my grave♪

♪ And go home to my Lord♪

♪ And be free♪

[crowd cheering]

Joan: Thank you.

Therapist:
Now, just letting it go.

This allows you
to go deeper as you let go

of the physical postures,
the physical tensions.

Letting go of being anybody,

for anybody else...

takes you deeper.

[crowd cheering]

Joan: I mean, if I could write
my entire history,

whether it has anything
to do with the facts is,

nobody will ever know
'cause we remember

what we want to remember.

No matter how hard we try
to stick to the exact story,

we come out
looking awfully clean

compared to what
it was probably like.

We remember exactly

what saves us
a lot of pain, probably.

[soft music playing]

[birds chirping]

Joan: I don't think anybody
at a young age

who gets famous
has the slightest idea

that it'll ever end.

There's a moment
when you're not what you were.

And it has to happen
to everybody

who's ever been
in the public eye,

whether they pretend
it hasn't or not.

[soft music playing]

[Joan vocalizing]

[laughs]

[vocalizing]

- How's that feeling?
- I have to just...

to knocking the vibrato

- out of some of these...
- Sarah: Yeah.

...gives me a little
longer time with them.

[Joan vocalizing]

Joan: I'd love
to have those notes.

So, I think you can.

[both vocalizing]

- Sarah: Yay!
- Yeah?

Where'd you find it?

Joan: I think it's coming
from somewhere in my past.

- [laughs]
- [Joan vocalizing]

Joan: As the years go by, it
gets more and more difficult.

I mean, the vocal
cords are muscle, you know,

If your muscles
start getting flabby,

if you don't really work
to keep them up,

and at a certain point

there's just not that much
you can do.

[birds chirping]

Joan: I've always said
I wouldn't want to do

a farewell tour because people
who say that always come back.

But maybe it'd be nice
to celebrate 55 years of it,

you know?

[upbeat music playing]

Joan: And I just turned 79.

And, um,

it's sort of hitting me
harder than I thought it would.

I don't want to go on too long.

I mean, I know that I look good
for my age, et cetera.

But...[laughs]
...there's a limit.

The decision to end the career,
you can talk about it

until you're blue,
but I can't...

really anticipate
what it's gonna be like.

[upbeat music playing]

Man: Yeah.

- [drum thumping]
- [indistinct chatter]

Christiane: Yeah, you talk
about the muscle

that created that voice.
It's one of the purest,

one of the truest notes
in music history.

And many
have described it like that.

Do you miss that voice?
Do you still have that?

I do not have it.
And I do miss it.

Um, I had to come to terms
with what I do have.

Really reinvent, yeah.

'Cause this is now
a much more honest voice

that reflects 60 years
on the road, you know?

I don't know how hard it is
to give up the props,

the adulation,
and the adoration and...

Don't know yet.

[crowd cheering]

- Staff: Everybody ready?
- Joan: Everybody ready?

[crowd cheering]

♪ ["There But For Fortune"
by Joan Baez plays] ♪

Joan: ♪ Show me the prison♪

♪ Show me the jail♪

♪ Show me the prisoner♪

♪ Whose life has gone stale♪

♪ I'll show you young girl♪

♪ With so many reasons why♪

♪ 'Cause there
There but for fortune♪

♪ Go you or I♪

[humming]

[crowd cheering]

Joan: Thank you.

Thank you.

Therapist: Relax the muscles
in your eyelids

down to the point,

allowing yourself to drift back
through time, to a time

when you're really in touch
with that whoop-de-doo feeling.

Host: Come on!
Let's it hear for her.

She's out of sight!

Therapist:
Feeling the enthusiasm,

feeling the joy...

feeling the lightness.

Let yourself be present
there now.

When you started out
in your singing career,

did you know in social terms,
other than in musical terms,

what it was that you were about?

Um. It is... Before I could
really verbalize it,

I would say that the... a social
consciousness was born in me

before the...
before the voice developed.

Young Joan Narrator:
"What I Believe"

by Joanie Baez, age 13.

When I think of God,
I think of the Earth

as a very small thing.

Then I think of myself,
hardly a speck.

Then I see there's no use
for this tiny dot

to spend its small life
doing things for itself.

It might as well
spend time making

the less fortunate specks
in the world enjoy themselves.

That is what I believe.

Albert: This is Albert Baez.

Well, as you know,
I've been carrying

a portable tape recorder
of one kind or another.

Joan: We were Quakers,
a lot of imagination

and a lot of giving,

so the social consciousness
really came from my dad.

[Albert humming]

Joan:
Mother was a truer pacifist.

And Mother didn't give a damn
about laws.

My father would get
a little bit concerned

when we'd, you know,
do civil disobedience.

But eventually,
he didn't care either.

Oh, he was so handsome.

And Mother was so beautiful.

Joan: Pauline was named
after her sister Pauline.

And I was named after Mom.

Mimi was named after Aunt Mimi,
who nobody liked, you know?

[laughs]

Pauline: She had big,
beautiful eyes.

Joan: She had big,
beautiful blue eyes.

And everybody
would comment on it.

And Pauline and I would go...
[mocks]

But big, beautiful blue eyes.
She was beautiful.

Albert: We're going to take off
for Calcutta

visiting the different
departments of science.

Joan: He was a researcher,
academician

and a researcher in physics.

Pauline: I remember
pops taking us different places

because he wanted us to see
that everybody in the world

was basically the same.
And it was true.

Albert: As I look out my window,
as usual,

the rich have big tombs,
the poor,

who knows where they end up?

[somber music playing]

Joan: He was very, very,
very driving it home to us

about the haves
and the have nots.

All the poverty stuff
was pretty overwhelming

for all of us.

I was a sensitive kid.
I internalized everything.

I worried about the poor.
I worried about people in pain.

I worried about animals.

I was aware that...

that there were, you know,
sorrows way greater than mine.

Pauline: He was a good dad
for... for the period

in which he was a dad.

Joan: I think I'm just...
I'm darker than Pauline.

I mean, I don't remember things
in such a jolly way.

Um, but I'm way too conflicted
to just have

a bunch of nice family memories.

♪ ["Earth Angel"
by The Penguins plays] ♪

Young Joan Narrator:
I am a very moody person.

I sit sometimes and just think

about life, death,
and religion,

about whether I'm turning out
to be what my parents want,

or whether
I'm letting them down.

♪ My darling dear...♪

Joan: I think I must've been 13,

and somebody called me
a dumb Mexican.

And a teacher said to me...

"You are of the highest breed
of Spanish."

I said, "No, I'm not.
I'm a Mexican."

I was defending
the Mexican race.

Young Joan Narrator: I have run
into a few problems myself

because of the fact
that I am one-half Mexican.

I turn pretty dark
in the summer.

Once, somebody yelled out
of a window at me,

"Hey, what you doing...?"

My reply was,
"Wait till you see me

this summer when I get my tan."

Joan: I thought I was inferior,
certainly to the white kids

- and the rich kids.
- [indistinct chatter]

Joan: Most of the time in
the school, I felt less than.

Joan: ♪ Make it 300 cubic long♪

♪ Thirty high, about 50 wide♪

♪ I want it to stand
My rain and tide♪

Young Joan Narrator:
I enjoy singing.

When I get depressed,

I sing songs to prove to me
that life isn't really so bad.

I pick up a guitar
and bellow it out of me.

Joan:
♪ 'Cause it's going to rain♪

♪ 'Cause it's going to rain♪

Started taking
the ukulele on campus.

And I'd sing at lunchtime.

♪ All the great men upon...♪

By the time
I was in tenth grade,

I had an identity.

♪ Over land I've been over sea♪

Young Joan Narrator:
I am not a saint. I am a noise.

I spend a good deal
of my time singing,

dancing,
making a nuisance of myself.

I love to be
the center of attention.

And pardon the conceit,
I usually am.

Joan: ♪ And the famous
Grandy scratch-scratch♪

Joan: I would have
my own vibrancy

when I would paint or sing.

But that didn't extend
to the struggle at school.

Basically,
it was panic attack stuff

started early, really early.

As far back
as I can remember, in fact.

I'd go to my mom for comfort
and lie there shivering,

say, "Tell me I won't
throw up."

And then the anxiety stuff
just heightened and heightened.

Joan Sr.: I think
she was a very happy girl.

But something was bothering her
all the time.

And to the extent

that none of us
have ever found out what it was.

She used to be sick
and feel terribly sick.

But I think it was something
that was worrying her.

And maybe she didn't know
what it was.

Certainly, we didn't know
what it was.

Joan: I used to have dreams
when I was about...

15 or younger,
that I would be in a hospital.

In this dream,
I wouldn't have to...

say anything or do anything.
I would just be there.

And I get three squares a day
and could stay in bed

and be quiet.

I remember
the first introduction

to the name "psychiatrist."

Some girl was going
to a psychiatrist.

You know, when I was
in junior high school,

that was... weird.

Somebody had to be cuckoo
to do that.

[dramatic music playing]

Joan: My life
was just unlivable...

because the anxiety attacks

were really what I needed
to live through

to get to the other side.

I was in therapy
since I was 16.

A good doctor knows if it's
time to push or not push.

And he just must have known
that it wasn't.

I couldn't have managed
to bite off the...

you know, the lid
of what was going on in there.

Eventually, you know,
everything disintegrated.

[birds chirping]

[country music playing]

♪ I was born in an alleyway♪

Whoo!

[shrieks]

We just roll on
from one concert to the next.

Every hall is sold out.

It's a slam dunk every night.

The whole black backdrop
is lit half the show.

- Gotcha.
- So...

Joan: My traveling road show

seems to be more important to
me than the concerts, you know?

They're a big family.

The life and the...
The life of the stars.

I'm dressing it.

[laughs]

You know what? Is Gabe around?
I was gonna do his shirt.

- Go and get his shirt.
- [crew member laughs]

Joan: The fact that Gabe,
during these times,

I get to see Gabe,

which may not
necessarily happen,

certainly not on this scale
when the touring is over.

Gabriel: Make sure
you get the collar, all right?

[chuckles] I always iron
my collars first.

You know your mom always said
you could've run

a perfectly good
dry cleaning business.

She didn't know
why you had to go

- into this whole music thing.
- [Joan laughs]

Gabriel: It's kinda funny
to look back on it

and realize what a large
part of my life it's been.

All started
pretty spontaneously.

It also became a path for us of
reconciling our relationship.

And you know,
when you're out there

traveling on the road,
whatever...

whatever shit you've got
with somebody,

it's gonna come up
sooner or later,

so you know, we had to deal
with some of that.

[crowd cheering]

Joan: Please welcome
my big band to the stage.

♪ ["Darling Cory"
by Joan Baez & Band plays] ♪

♪ Wake up, wake up
Darling Cory♪

♪ What makes you sleep
So sound?♪

♪ The revenue officers
Are coming♪

♪ Gonna tear
Your still house down♪

[crowd cheering]

[drum solo]

[other instruments join in]

Joan: Thank you.

[soft music playing]

Albert: Now, I'm gonna play
the piece that you always hear

at circuses when the horses
are going around in the ring.

[Albert scatting]

[whimsical music playing]

Albert: Now, you don't mind,
do you,

if I start riding
with them too?

[Albert scatting]

Joan: Our whole family
could sing harmony like that.

My father was a musician.

[Albert scatting]

Joan: And my mom,
she would've had a lovely voice

if she'd been able to have
the time.

♪ ["Why Do Fools Fall in Love"
by Joan & Mimi plays] ♪

♪ Why do fools fall in love?♪

♪ Why do birds sing so gay...♪

Joan: I was really
close to Mimi back then.

She and I
started singing together.

We looked alike to some degree.

♪ Love is a losing game
Love can be a shame♪

Joan: At that point,
just horsing around, playing,

and enjoying each other.

It started getting
complicated later.

♪ Why do fools fall in love?♪

Radio broadcaster:
This is radio at Harvard

broadcasting from Cambridge.

[soft music playing]

Radio broadcaster: We are lucky
to have Joan Baez here...

Baez on our show tonight.

I know that you'll enjoy
listening to her.

♪ Some say that love
Is a gentle thing♪

♪ But it only
Has brought me pain♪

♪ And the only boy...♪

Audience member:
Now, Ms. Baez,

how did you originally
get your start in folk, period?

I just picked up a guitar
and started copying everybody

in Harvard Square.

I was so bored with college.
That's exactly what I did.

♪ I'll be no man's wife...♪

Joan: Club 47
was my learning place.

It was the emerging
counterculture.

On the first night,
there was nobody there

except my family.
And then the next week,

that thing had ballooned
to a full house.

Pauline: She came home
with 100-dollar bills

falling out of her pockets,
you know?

Oh, dismayed Pops,
who was struggling

so hard to make
his 100-dollar bills.

I said, "Look at what
we made today,

everybody, for everybody. Whee!"

Throw it over. We had a little
balcony sort of thing

over the living room
and I'd hurl this money over

and think it would make
everybody so happy. [laughs]

And they all hated me for it,
you know?

- Well, Pops was really upset.
- He was so upset.

- 'Cause you hadn't worked hard.
- He said,

"I worked for my money."

- Pauline: Yeah.
- Joan: He said.

♪ Oh, fare thee well
I must be gone♪

♪ And leave you for a while...♪

Albert: Since we have
two working girls now

besides myself as
a wage earner,

I'll just tell you, uh,
briefly what I'm doing.

I'm gonna put a...
an X-ray telescope

into an orbiting satellite
to pick up X-rays

from distant stars.

♪ If I go♪

Albert: But why bother
about distant stars...

♪ If I go♪

[chuckles] ...when we have
the luminaries right with us?

♪ All these things be♪

Festival host: Very rarely
does it happen

that a performer emerges...

that is a beautiful human
being as well as a great

singer and musician.

Such a one is Joan Baez.

[crowd cheering]

I'm all...
I'm all up to here with it.

So, anyhow, I'll just sing
what I feel like singing,

feel sort of like exploding.
So, I'll explode.

♪ ["Te Ador"
by Joan Baez plays] ♪

♪ Tu amor ♪

♪ Deixasse corpo
Da gente marcado ♪

♪ Oh♪

Joan: It was whatever reason,

I was the right voice
at the right time.

It just shot me
in another whole stratosphere.

Crowd: Come on. Come on.

♪ Tu amor ♪

- Cameraman: Come on, kids.
- Don't get so hysterical.

Don't get so hysterical.
I mean...

Are you getting writer's cramp,
Joan?

No, I'm getting a bloated ego.

I think it's... I think it's...

Mimi: At age 18,
she really became

suddenly famous overnight.
Time magazine writes an article.

It says,
"A star is born at Newport."

When you're 18 years old,
that really influences you.

It really twisted
her mind around for a while.

Director: Scene one,
take one, sound one.

Host 1: Here's Joan Baez.
Well, all I can say is "wow."

Host 2: One of the world's
great singers, Ms. Joan Baez.

Host 3: Here she is, man.
Ms. Joan Baez!

[crowd cheering]

♪ La, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la♪

Joan: I went from thinking
I was not very adequate

as a human being to being
called the Virgin Mary.

Well, who isn't going to buy
the Virgin Mary?

I mean,
that was a much better deal.

So, I went running around
barefoot

with long hair looking
like the Virgin Mary

and probably thinking
a little bit that I was.

- [indistinct chatter]
- [Joan screams]

Albert: Now, on this side,

I'm gonna let you hear
Joanie sing.

And the best way
to do it really is

to, uh, let you hear
some of the records

that she has made.

♪ Oh, what a beautiful city♪

♪ Twelve gates
Into the city...♪

Pauline: It was overpowering

having her as a younger sister.

I think at first,
we were very close.

But then... then I had to go
my own way...

because she... her presence
became too much.

Joan: I think Pauline
just retreated.

Any thought
of any kind of competition

or being out in that world
was just anathema to her.

She drifted away.

Well, I turned into
the silent arts. I mean,

I did sewing
and built mud houses

and different kinda stuff.

I moved to Carmel Valley,
way out in the sticks.

I kind of decided
if everybody else

was going for fame and glory,
I'd be invisible.

And so, I became
more invisible.

It's just how I learned
to cope, I think.

[gentle music playing]

Joan: Oh, it was better
than with Mimi

'cause she wanted to compete.

And that was equally
as disastrous, you know?

Pauline:
Well, I think in the beginning,

she wasn't trying to be Joanie,
but she could play too.

And she was gorgeous.

It was just so strange
how it worked out

because, oh, man, that body,
it was so beautiful.

She was not a singer.

She was a dancer.
But it didn't go that way.

Radio host:
When I'm talking to you,

I can't help thinking about
you being Joan Baez's sister.

And, uh, it makes me then
wonder what it was like for you

as a little girl.

Mimi: Boy, well, as a teenager,
I wanted to be a dancer.

And then I was
so sort of overwhelmed

by my sister.

And being her little sister,
in a sense, stunted my growth

because I was so overwhelmed
by her that I copycatted her

for many years.

Pauline: I just always figured
she and Joanie

had this
really tight relationship

and they were on another track.

But it turned out
that she and Joanie

were having such problems.

It was always such a...
such a power thing

and such a jealousy thing.

And then Dick came along
and kind of whoopsed her away.

I mean, they got
the music thing.

They put out a lot
of good music together.

♪ ["House Un-American Blues
Activity Dream"

by Richard
and Mimi Fariña plays] ♪

♪ When I was
Standing on the sidewalk♪

♪ I had a noise in my head♪

♪ There were loud speakers
Babbling,

but nothing was said♪

♪ There were 27...♪

Joan: She wanted
to be a singer...

and asked me what I thought.

And I said
it'll be so difficult

trying to do this
under the shadow

of your older sister.

And I think
she resented that forever.

[crowd cheering]

♪ My daddy is a handsome devil♪

♪ He's got a chain
Five miles long♪

♪ And on every link
A heart does dangle♪

♪ Of another maid
He's loved and wronged♪

Joan: Hello, Mummy, Popsy,

I wrote you guys
a letter last night.

And then I brought
a tape recorder today.

So, I decided
I make a tape instead.

Much nicer.

♪ Another tender maiden...♪

Joan: I wish you could hear
the train whistle.

It's really a lonesome sound.

Anyhow, let's see.
What's happening?

We've had
all good concerts so far.

Vancouver was the nicest.

Last night was Portland.

And, uh, I'm traveling
from Portland to San Francisco.

Interviewer:
What does fame mean to you?

Fame,
I think that fame is like...

everybody, no matter how much
they try to pretend,

everybody likes the thought
of fame.

What fame actually is,
I don't really know

'cause I don't consider
myself famous.

I think there's a difference
in being well known

and being famous.

Joan: I think
I was just confused.

I... I know that I...

was happy to have
the attention.

And I think that bothered me.

I didn't want to be,
um, privileged...

when there were so many people
who had no privileges.

It was a huge conflict
from the start.

[dramatic music playing]

Announcer:
The great Ms. Joan Baez.

[crowd cheering]

Joan: I was really young.
And it really is what it was.

Oh, my God, what am I doing?
What's going on around me?

Where do I stand in the world?
What does it mean?

I see the little red light
on this television machine.

Where is the orchestra?

- [crowd laughing, applauding]
- That's the orchestra. Okay.

Joan: I mean, I'd walk
out on the stage

and they said, "Oh,
she looks so peaceful. She..."

Exactly the opposite
of what was going on inside.

Joan: I was just totally
depleted, physically,

mentally, spiritually,
everything.

It was a breakdown.

[drum music playing]

Joan: Being famous
at a really early age,

I don't know what my life
would have been otherwise.

Maybe it partly separated me.

Part of my isolation
might have come from that.

But I am...

by now, more comfortable...

by myself.

[drum music playing]

Joan: I'm not very good
at one-on-one relationships.

I'm great with one-on-2,000.
You know?

So, in some ways, yeah,
I mean, we created

an intimate situation.

And I get out of having to fi--
you know, deal with the reality

of an intimate relationship.
[laughs]

And I have a nice intimate
evening with 4,000 people.

[crowd cheering]

[drum music playing]

[crowd cheering, applauding]

Yay!

Joan: ♪ There's just one
Too many mornings♪

♪ And a thousand miles behind♪

♪ Just one too many mornings
And a thousand miles behind♪

Joan: Train's slowing down.

It's really beautiful out.

It's just dark clouds and
green grass and a few trees.

There isn't any
color out there,

it's just like gray and black.

There's just gray,
and then there's black.

And, uh, I can see
my reflection a little bit

in that sort of pale gray.

[somber music playing]

Joan: I think, didn't I, um,
when I was 22, take a year off?

Trying to make sure
I didn't get seduced

by the entertainment world,
trying to be a better person.

And then during
that time period, I met a girl.

Joan [from audiotapes]:
I'm speaking really, really low

because I don't want
to wake up Kimmie.

It's about 2:00 in the morning.

And I can't get to sleep.

Joan: Kim came to visit me.

And I realized
I was really attracted to her.

She was great.

She was... she could outdrink
anybody on the coast.

And she surfed for seven hours
at a time

and all this wonderful stuff
that I didn't do.

She was more feral
than I was...

didn't have any consciousness
of rules, regulations.

We were tearing around
town in boots and cutoffs

and suspenders and weird hair
and headbands, um...

and just ruffians.

Yeah, and we ended up together.

It was a major turn,
what it gave me, and...

another whole angle on love,
another whole angle on sex.

I guess couple years
it lasted,

a nice couple years.

I think probably soothing
after men.

Joan [from audiotapes]:
Mummy and Popsy,

Kimmie and I are on the train.

And we're going to Tucson next.

And then we plunge
into the deep South.

So, there was that
and recreation, the fun and...

and then there was me
being serious

about what I was doing,

beginning
to get serious about...

what I was saying and doing,

and what I would do
with my life.

Activist: And begin
the march for freedom now.

Let us begin quietly and
orderly

to move out, remembering

that by a great number...

Joan: Never seen
that many people,

about 250,000,
something like that.

[indistinct chanting]

Joan: And then there was
the speech...

[breathes deeply]
...which I'll never get over.

Martin Luther King Jr.:
I have a dream...

my four little children...

will one day live in a nation

where they will not be judged
by the color of their skin,

but by the content
of their character.

- I have a dream today.
- [crowd applauds]

Joan: Well, I kinda remember
those days

of some kind of shifting
going on and maybe getting

closer to actually doing.

The obvious thing
was music and politics for me.

And I didn't have the songs
for it at that point.

And that was one of the glories
of Dylan showing up.

And then, you know, and then,
the songs made all the sense

in the world, whether they made
any sense or not.

♪ Oh, the time will come up
When the winds will stop♪

♪ And the breeze will cease
To be breathing ♪

♪ Like the stillness in the wind
Before the hurricane begins♪

♪ The hour that the ship
Comes in♪

Joan: We changed each other's
lives and outlooks

and music and careers.

♪ And the sands on
The shoreline will be shaking♪

Joan: I had gone to see him
at Gerde's Folk City

in New York City.

And I saw this tattered,
little shamble

of a human being up there.

He's just spouting out
these words.

And I was just transfixed.

I remember being at a party

and he had just written
Hard Rain.

Um, he was singing it
like a normal person

with a bunch of people,

sitting around, not normal
but... 'cause I mean,

normal people don't write stuff
like that. [laughs]

- Is Bobby down there?
- [crowd cheering]

Joan: I was just stoned
on that talent.

Bobby!

[crowd cheering, applauding]

Joan: I remember
very clearly driving around

when I was driving
to my own concerts.

And I'd introduce him
on the stage.

And the audience would go...
[mocking]

[chuckles] And I would say,
listen to this guy.

Didn't take very long
for them to listen to this guy.

♪ ["It Ain't Me, Babe"
by Bob Dylan plays] ♪

♪ You say you're looking For
someone who'll pick you up♪

♪ Each time you fall ♪

♪ To gather flowers
For you constantly ♪

♪ And to come each time
You call ♪

♪ A lover for your life
And nothing more ♪

♪ But it ain't me, babe ♪

♪ No, no, no
It ain't me, babe ♪

♪ It ain't me you're
Looking for, babe♪

[crowd cheering]

Hey, time, it's all... it's all
like a matter of time,

- they say. Okay.
- [crowd cheering]

I want to say thank you.

I want to say thank you.
I want to say thank you.

I love you.

Joan: It was a big
deal for Bobby.

And he was a person then...
He was just a person and a kid.

It was wonderful.

We had a wonderful
time together.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll do Bobby Dylan
singing Joan Baez, okay?

- [crowd laughing]
- Okay.

♪ Word is to the kitchen gone♪

♪ And word is to the hall♪

♪ And word is up to
Madam, the Queen ♪

♪ And that's the worst of all ♪

I mean,
that was a pretty short period

that we were really
kids together.

He was writing
insane amount of stuff.

It just kinda flies out
of the typewriter

and all over the room.

And I was just there
riding the wave with him.

Well, for me, he was...

everything. He needed a mother.

He needed somebody
to give him a bath.

He needed somebody
to sing his songs.

And I needed to
mother somebody.

I needed to hang out.
I needed intrigue.

I needed his music.

Um, and the time
was right for it.

♪ I would come and would go ♪

♪ At his request ♪

Joan [from audiotapes]:
Oh, moon, moon above,

dickety dove, smickily pove.

Ickydacky poo. I love her.
And she loves you.

Oh, here comes the train.
Can you hear it?

♪ And I built him a bower ♪

♪ In my breast ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Oh... ♪

Joan [from audiotapes]:
The day before yesterday,

I had given
three concerts in a row,

the three nights
before that with Bobby.

It was fantastic.

The gym was just packed
with kids.

The roof
nearly came off the place.

♪ ["Only A Pawn In Their Game"
by Bob Dylan plays] ♪

♪ A bullet from the back
Of a bush ♪

♪ Took Medgar Evers' blood ♪

♪ A finger fired
The trigger to his name ♪

♪ A handle hid out
in the dark♪

♪ A hand set the spark
Two eyes took the aim ♪

♪ Behind a man's brain ♪

♪ But he can't be blamed♪

♪ He's only a pawn
In that game ♪

Martin Luther King Jr.:
We're gonna walk...

nonviolently and peacefully...

to let the nation
and the world know

we are tired now.

Joan: When I stepped into
the Civil Rights movement,

I kinda just stayed there.

Nonviolent action
was what I was born for.

I knew that I belonged there.

You know, and I realized
at that time

that I had this amazing
good fortune to be with King.

Martin Luther King Jr.:
Now is the time...

to make real the promises
of democracy.

Now is the time
to make justice a reality

for all of God's children.

Joan: I'm sitting
on the bathroom floor

of a Holiday Inn
in Mississippi.

I don't consider
Texas really South.

I think Mississippi
is kinda end the world.

[indistinct chatter]

Interviewer:
You're not expecting anything

from any white bystanders,
are you?

- No
- [car honks]

Joan: It was just
a dangerous place to be.

And I was stricken by the kids
and their bravery.

When you're standing in a crowd
and you're watching

five Black kids
integrate a school...

it's not about my courage.

It's really about theirs.
I don't know how they did that.

[chuckles]

Joan [from audiotapes]:
I've been asked

to fly down to Montgomery.

They've been having
a big voter registration drive

because what it's doing
is trying to get

- the Negroes to vote.
- [indistinct chatter]

[crowd clamoring]

Interviewer: Do you feel you're
in a closed society, Dr. King?

Martin Luther King Jr.: Oh, yes.

It's definitely
a closed society.

And we're gonna make it
an open society.

And we feel that we have
to do it this way

in order to bring
the evil out into the open.

Joan [from audiotapes]:
The march is now

finally going on.

They're having a huge rally
in Montgomery at the Capitol

just to show that the Negroes
have been able

to do all the things
that the Constitution says

they're supposed
to be able to do,

they're actually finally doing.

Anyway, I'll sing there.
And they're expecting

about 30,000 or 40,000 people
to show up.

♪ ["Come And Go With Me To
That Land" by Joan Baez plays] ♪

♪ Come and go with me
To that land ♪

♪ Come and go with me
To that land ♪

♪ Come and go with me
To that land where I'm bound ♪

♪ Come and go with me
To that land ♪

♪ Come and go with me
To that land ♪

♪ Come and go with me
To that land where I'm bound ♪

[indistinct chatter]

[both laugh]

[gentle music playing]

♪ ["No More Auction Block"
plays] ♪

♪ Don't block for me no more ♪

♪ No more ♪

♪ No more auction
block for me ♪

♪ Many thousand gone ♪

♪ No more auction
block for me ♪

♪ No more, no more ♪

♪ No more auction
block for me ♪

♪ Many thousand gone ♪

♪ Oh, freedom
Oh, freedom ♪

♪ Oh, freedom over me ♪

♪ And before I'll be a slave
I'll be buried in my grave ♪

♪ And go home to my Lord
And be free ♪

♪ Oh, freedom
Oh, freedom ♪

♪ Oh, freedom over me ♪

♪ And before I'll be a slave
I'll be buried in my grave ♪

♪ And go home to my Lord
And be free ♪

♪ And go home ♪

♪ To my Lord ♪

♪ And be free ♪

[crowd cheers, applauds]

Fan 1: Thank you so
much for all you did.

- You brought us to tears there.
- Good.

That's what I'm supposed to do.

- [indistinct chatter]
- So many memories.

Fan 2: And foot
soldier number three.

[all laugh]

You have no idea the power
of what you've done tonight.

No idea.

This does not happen.

And for you to speak
about race specifically,

the things that make us
so uncomfortable, it was...

And to hear it from you,
it's different

from hearing it from me.

And so I don't want to cry,
so I'm gonna stop.

But I just want
to say thank you.

I am so happy.

- Another one of my children.
- Mm-hmm.

Fan 3: This is Mama Wimberly.

Fan 4: None of this
would happen if not for you.

[soft music playing]

Joan [from audiotapes]: I had
a very busy month and a half

just thinking.

And I decided I was gonna
start a peace movement.

So, this is what
I'm kind of toying around with

in my head.
I'm making up speeches...

[laughs]
...these big, fiery speeches.

You know those great images
of myself,

leading 400,000
million people.[laughs]

I have to be ready
with each thing I do...

To... like... like if I say
I'm going to march

out in front of a target
some morning

even if nobody else shows up,

then I have to be able
to do it, you know?

And I think I could do it. I
think they'd show up, but I...

But I think the important thing
is that I would do it anyway.

Which I think I would.

But I don't know what's gonna
happen with the singing...

[chuckles] ...especially
if I end up in jail.

I've opened a school

called the Institute
for the Study of Nonviolence.

Institute for Nonviolent Action?

- No.
- No?

Institute for the Study
of Nonviolence.

[speaking German]

This means for me
to investigate in every way

possible every form
of nonviolence, political,

economical, sociological,
personal, practical, et cetera.

I'm in the learning process.

[soft music playing]

Richard: Mimi's sister, Joanie,
has a school.

And, uh, since it started
out last August,

we've been out there
working on that.

Mimi, uh,
teaching dance classes.

Me, cooking.

It's an attempt to find out
if... if nonviolent action

is a working alternative
to the... to the chaos

that we're bringing down
around our heads every day

somewhere in the world.

Interviewer:
Let's talk about Dick Farina.

Because so much of the music
that you were associated with

was written by him.

Mimi: Well, he came into my life
when I was a teenager.

I was, uh, very sad.

And he came along
and sort of livened my life up.

So, I went right from home,
got married to him, and...

and lived in a tiny cabin
with him for several years.

And we began singing and...

I think I would have stayed
in his shadow

and remained, you know,
a sort of second fiddle

for the rest of my life
had he gone on living.

Pauline: It was Mimi's
21st birthday

and she was at my house
for a party.

And, uh,
Dick and his friend Willy...

um, went for a ride
on the motorcycle.

He didn't come back.

Joan: They'd taken the corner
too fast.

The driver was okay,

but Dick had fallen off
and smacked his head,

and he was gone.

Mimi never got over it
really, in my opinion, ever.

When Richard died,
she kind of...

took another few steps
toward darkness.

She was just wired
to be unhappy.

And I'm sure it came--
a lot of it came out of...

the childhood.

Mimi: But when I look back,
I've been someone who...

has gone to bed and cried
or come home and cried

most of my life.

Can't find myself.
Can't find my joy.

Joan: As I say,
we were always in therapy.

Mimi had, you know,
an intuitive sense

that there was something

very dark around that.

But neither of us really knew,
I don't think,

the extent or the depth
of what was going on.

[soft music playing]

Joan [from audiotapes]:
Hello Mummy, Popsy.

Oops, Mimi's turning over
in her sleep.

She got a Seconal.
She needed it.

She's up and jumping up
and looking out of the window

every five minutes
all night long.

I'm so glad
she's on this thing with me.

I haven't had much time
with her.

So, this is good. Um...

What else was I going
to tell you? Something else.

Oh, yeah, I'm gonna come
to England with Bobby.

It's just gonna be
a huge wingding Beatle-rama.

I might do a television thing
or one concert.

Reporter:
Why are you so big this time?

- What do you think?
- I have absolutely no idea.

I don't even know about it,
if it is.

I figured just the same thing
I did before.

[crowd screaming]

♪ ["Don't Think Twice, It's All
Right" by Bob Dylan plays] ♪

[crowd clamoring]

♪ Well, it ain't no use
To sit and wonder why, babe ♪

Joan: London was the nightmare.

♪ And it ain't no use... ♪

Joan: I think what happened
when Bob started

to be more famous,
he just moved away.

In some ways, he moved away
from everybody.

I think the shift
came very quickly.

♪ Look out your window
And I'll be gone ♪

♪ You're the reason... ♪

Joan: I think that if I had
pushed my way in there,

I probably could've
stayed central to that.

But I couldn't have done
the drugs and the boys club.

I didn't know
it was gonna be like that.

[indistinct chatter]

Joan: They were just on
another planet by then.

And I was this little
weird folkie traveling around.

I just didn't belong, you know?

It was horrible.

You see people doing that.
And they say,

"Why doesn't she get out
of there?" And I couldn't.

The feeling
was total demoralization.

I was totally demoralized.

[screams] It was horrible.

Hi, Bob. [laughs]

Interviewer:
Um, could I ask you?

A lot of people
will be thinking this

while you're over here.

We-- Everyone's noticed Joan,
that she's come over.

-Are you just good friends?
- Yeah.

- Or is there a romantic link?
- Yeah.

- Oh, just friends.
- Interviewer: Just friends.

- Did you meet her in America?
-Yeah, I meet everybody

-in America.
-Interviewer: Yeah.

Well, would you say
you're going steady with her?

-No.
- Interviewer: You're not?

No, I...
I'm not going with anybody.

-I have no... no special one.
- Interviewer: No one girl?

[indistinct chatter]

Fan 1: Bobby,
see you in Manchester.

- Okay, bye.
- Fan 2: See you tomorrow.

Joan: I think probably
Dylan broke my heart,

'cause it was so shattering.

And it having been
such a huge thing.

You know, it was huge.

The music was huge,
the politics, the...

You know,
the closeness when we had it.

Um, I think
that's fair enough to say.

That, "I admit." [laughs]

♪ ["J'arrive"
by Jacques Brel plays] ♪

[singing in French]

Joan: I guess
Europe was life-changing,

and keeping in mind that

I had been through hell
in England.

So, then coming back
in another level was important.

[singing in French]

Joan: I think
I was infatuated with Paris.

It was all so seductive.

And allowing myself
to be kinda just taken away,

taken off
into the fantasy of it.

[singing in French]

Joan: And then Gaveau
was a fashion photographer.

So, he took me
to the fashion house.

I didn't know they existed.

[singing in French]

Joan: I was just dashing around,

just being up all night
'cause it was too exciting,

and, um, beautiful,
really ridiculously beautiful.

And falling in love
with various guys and...

[singing in French]

Joan: It was magical.

But I had too much fun,
I would automatically get sick.

I would get a form of darkness
that was pretty awful.

It was just demonic.

[somber music playing]

Joan: I was aware
that I'd be having

a wonderful time
and then collapse.

And then having a wonderful
time and then collapse.

Eventually, that was a pattern
to the point where...

And I...
I knew that would happen.

But I would do it anyway.

And what's really interesting
is the sorta coming back...

Back round to that...

uh, in a different form. No.

But it's very similar
right now.

♪ ["The Things That We Are
Made Of" by Joan Baez plays] ♪

♪ Oh, my darling
Oh, my love ♪

♪ Oh, my darling
Oh, my love ♪

♪ Oh, my darling
Oh, my love ♪

♪ Things that we are made of ♪

I was in this room.

And for whatever reason,
I was absolutely euphoric.

Maybe the concert
turned so beautiful.

And then all of a sudden,
it switched into big nasty.

Ugh, you know?

But I do know my own syndrome
of paying for it.

It still lingers.

I'm totally off my bearings.

So, it's a disorienting feeling.

I'm not in my, uh...

body yet... [chuckles]
...I guess you could say.

[breathes deeply]

I don't know
what we're doing next.

I'm not sure
where to begin with that.

And all this stuff
happens at night,

when I'm trying to sleep.

My mind goes dark.

I mean it goes dark
very quickly.

[sighs]

If I don't catch it,
then there's that reaction.

And then,
when you get down there,

you have no way of connecting
with what it was like

when you were cheery
and joyful, and open,

and in the light.

You don't remember
what up looks like.

[intense music playing]

[helicopter whirring]

Joan [from audiotapes]: Oh, yes.

There's only one thing
really to talk about.

That's Vietnam.

How can you drop bombs
all over town,

and then come running through
with machine guns

and napalm bombs and say,

"We'll bring you democracy
on the way back through?"

- You know...
- [crowd clamors]

...when you talk
in images like that...

people seem to understand.

Interviewer: What would you like
to see us do in Vietnam, Joan?

Get out.

- Stop bombing children.
- [crowd clamors]

Joan: I don't do things
to prove things.

I guess I do things
when I'm moved to the point

where I have no choice
of what to do.

And it was just...

- It was time to go to jail.
-[crowd cheers]

[mellow music playing]

David: We live in a society
that's become synonymous,

not simply
with sending people to jail.

We live in a society
that beyond all those things...

has become synonymous
with death itself.

Joan: I think David Harris
came to visit me in jail

because he knew
that we had supported

the draft resistance movement,

and he was
in a leadership position.

He had his little cowboy hat.

and he...
he had a flair and an air.

He was pretty adorable.
And I really,

really admired those guys
and what they were doing.

David: Nobody was having
a relationship in those days

that did not have
politics to it.

I mean,
people who were for the war

didn't marry people
who were against the war

or live with them,
or go out with them. [chuckles]

It was...
it was that kind of division.

David: We come forward and say,

these lives
that are brought here today

are bricks from which
a new house will be made...

a house where men don't live
on the backs of other men.

♪ ["Swing Low, Sweet Chariot"
plays] ♪

- [crowd cheers]
- Joan: ♪ Swing low... ♪

I mean, I would sing,
and he would speak.

It was like Dylan and me
meeting in the music world.

This is David and me meeting
in the political world.

♪ Coming to carry me... ♪

Joan: Yessie, yessie. Mm-hmm.

What time
does the meeting start?

He may be a little late

'cause he's writing,
writing, writing.

We moved.[chuckles]
Struggle Mountain was a shack.

- [indistinct chatter]
- Joan: And we knew

shortly that David
would be going to jail.

David: I mean, let 'em come up
and bust me for what I do.

I mean, I am leaving
a nice scene behind.

I'm leaving my wife pregnant.
I am leaving all those things.

And I think that the least any
man who comes to arrest me

ought to do is see that.

Interviewer: As a fairly
new wife and a... and a

pregnant expectant mother,
do you think it's worth it?

[chuckles]

Look, I mean I... I waited
for 27 years to find somebody

I thought was worth it,
and I knew when we got married

that he would be
spending time in prison.

I feel that if he and I
continue to be involved

in the revolution,
which we will,

we'll both spend
time in prison.

So, that's all right.

When I sing this thing,
I remember seeing David

for the last time
as he rode away with the feds

with his hands cuffed
and the big blowicky,

"Resist the Draft"
sticker on the bumper,

which the resistance had put on

while they were arresting him,
so...

♪ ["We Shall Overcome"
by Joan Baez plays] ♪

♪ We shall overcome ♪

♪ We shall overcome ♪

♪ We shall overcome ♪

♪ Someday ♪

♪ Oh, deep in my heart ♪

♪ I know that ♪

♪ I do believe ♪

♪ We shall overcome ♪

♪ Someday ♪

Joan: Thank you and good night.

[crowd cheers]

[plaintive music playing]

Joan: My mental state, anything
would've been doomed.

Anything.

No matter how great
that person was,

however they got it, anything.

There's no way
I could have been intimate

on a long-term basis
with anybody.

And I didn't know that yet.

Joan: Oh, I was thrilled
to have a baby.

You know, I really was.

And trying to be a good mom,
um, it was a challenge,

'cause I was all about me
up until then.

And, uh...

But here was
this divine little spirit...

in my life.

- [audience laugh]
- [TV host laughs]

TV host: Come and bring him.

He's... he's terrific.

Joan: This song was written
for Gabriel's daddy.

♪ In my heart, I will wait ♪

♪ By the stony gate ♪

♪ And the little one
'Neath the trees... ♪

Joan: Trying to be a wife
and a mother,

and suffering
from internal freak-out.

"I don't wanna be here."

"I can't, I can't, I can't,
I can't."

And that's what
the intimacy stuff is.

And if you can't handle
that closeness,

- then you just want to flee.
- [airplane engine rumbling]

[crowd applauds]

I plan to get my feet
on the ground, you know.

I mean, a man doesn't spend
20 months in a concrete cell

- and then walk out...
- [somber music playing]

...into all this and just...

- Like it was yesterday.
- [camera shutter clicks]

Joan: It was hard for him

'cause he was
not used to neurotic stuff.

I didn't pick the ideal person
who would really grasp it

about neuroses
and panic attacks.

I think he tried to be kind.

And I can't even say now
how much I loved David or...

to what degree
or how you count that

because I was so crazy.

David was 22, and I...

He shouldn't
have been married.

And it's not that.

And it... it wasn't because
David was too young.

Yes, he was too young,
and I was too crazy.

[somber music playing]

[bus engine revving]

Joan: I'm conserving more
than I used to know how to.

I mean, some nights,
I wanna go hang with everybody.

And I have to go to bed,
so I go to bed.

Probably the biggest problem
on the body is the bus.

Neck hurts. My back hurts.

So, I'm all taped up
with Sea-Bands

and anti-nausea pills, and...

Dramamine, and then my
regular stuff on top of that,

so I'm blotto on the bus.

♪ Behind
Don't walk then♪

Joan: And I think
I feel it more this time.

I mean, I think
I'm just more aware of it.

♪ Make up, oh
Is to be♪

♪ That you promised to be...♪

Joan: The voice
is pretty raggedy.

I mean, it's... it's not
a raggedy that bothers me.

I'm pushing pretty hard
to make a note sound

what I want it to sound like.

[strums guitar]

Oh, boy.

This is what happens
when you don't play for a month.

Well, I'll have to do
something different tonight.

This makes your fingers
work harder with this here.

People gather around,
come from miles.

We all sing together. [laughs]

[vocalizing]

[chuckles, vocalizing]

[chuckles] Oh.

[chuckles] Was that pretty?
You got that, guys?

- That's gold. [chuckles]
- [indistinct chatter]

Joan: I didn't begin feeling

as though we were really
winding it down

until this tour.

Well, it blindsided me.

Did I make a dumb decision?

Am I really not gonna be out
with my family,

- you know, on tour...
- [crowd applauding]

...which is what I've spent
a third of my life doing.

♪ ["It Ain't Me Babe"
by Bob Dylan plays] ♪

Joan: Oh, I try to just feel
what it's feeling like

instead of shoving it
under a rug somewhere.

And I won't. I mean,
there'll always be some regret,

no matter when I quit.

I mean, I can't pretend
we're gonna sing that away.

♪ Go away from my window ♪

♪ Leave at your own
Chosen speed ♪

♪ I'm not the one
You want, babe ♪

♪ I'm not the one you need ♪

♪ You say you're
Looking for someone ♪

♪ Never weak
But always strong ♪

♪ To protect you
And defend you ♪

♪ Whether you are right
Or wrong ♪

♪ Someone to open
Each and every door ♪

♪ Oh, but it ain't me, babe ♪

♪ No, no, no,
it ain't me babe ♪

♪ It ain't me
You're looking for, babe ♪

[audience cheering
and applauding]

Joan: Thank you.

[mellow music playing]

Joan: Thank you.

I think out of all the things
I was trying to be,

I think it would switch back
and forth.

I would think I wanted
to be the mom in the house,

and then I would think

I was doing
a pretty good job of it.

And then my activities
against the war,

and I had a music career.

Gabriel: I mean, I was always
surrounded by people

looking out for me
and taking care of me...

but not with this closeness
of a... of a parent.

I mean,
I spent a lot of time alone...

like I lived in a world
apart from my friends.

We both had to reconcile
her issues from my childhood

with her being gone.

But she was dealing
with her own issues

that I don't feel entirely
at liberty to share,

but that made it impossible

for her to be present
for me fully.

And, um, you know,
she was busy saving the world,

and, um, no kid can...
can understand that.

Reporter: But Joan Baez,

America's most famous
folk singer and pacifist,

is still on the march.

This time,
for the Cambodian refugees.

Joan: And I was really
addicted to the activism

and had a hard time

when it wasn't right there
in front of me.

After the war in Vietnam,

like most people who
had been politically active,

I was a little bit lost.
I mean, ballads are out.

Um, war's over.
What are you gonna do now?

I have to periodically...

try and figure out
what I'm doing on Earth.

What I'm doing
with the gift of this voice,

what I should do with it.

In fact, I like to sing.
I like my audiences

as if, a number of years
I like to entertain.

- [crowd cheers]
- Joan: So, all of that

put together...[chuckles]
...it's not a bad life.

♪ ["Diamonds & Rust"
by Joan Baez plays] ♪

♪ Well, I'll be damned ♪

♪ Here comes your ghost again ♪

♪ But that's not unusual ♪

♪ It's just that
The moon is full ♪

♪ And you happened to call ♪

TheDiamonds & Rust album,
I said to myself,

"This is not going
to be a political album."

Let's just do music for once.

I think it's possibly
the best album I've ever done.

And I should learn
something from that. [chuckles]

That I like the results

of my putting
a strong effort into music.

♪ Cause I need
Some of that vagueness now ♪

♪ It's all come back
Too clearly ♪

♪ Yes, I loved you dearly
And... ♪

None of us knew

that "Diamonds & Rust"
would be the "it" song for me.

And that was wonderful.
It really put me back

on the music map
in the industry,

made a lot of money,
and got a lot of attention.

[crowd cheering]

Joan: And I think
flying on that, thinking,

"Yeah, I'm queen of the world.
I can do anything."

I fired my manager
and went with my very attractive

tour manager,
who did a lot of drugs

and really didn't know
what he was doing.

♪ ["Hurricane"
by Bob Dylan plays] ♪

Joan: Almost enticed
by being hip and groovy

and having my name

better known, which it was
very temporarily.

♪ Here comes the story
Of the Hurricane ♪

♪ The man the authorities
Came to blame ♪

♪ For somethin'
That he never done ♪

♪ Put in a prison cell,
but... ♪

Joan: I guess Dylan might
even have called in person.

Uh, "Would you come on
this crazy circus with us?"

I think I was nervous
about saying yes.

But this time, it wasn't all
totally centered around Bob,

but there were these little
pockets that you could go

and a lot of people
to hang out with.

- And it sounded like fun.
- [all cheer]

Joan: And it was fun.

[screams, laughs]

Interviewer: Good morning, Joan.

- Power to the people.
- Interviewer: Yeah.

I mean, I don't believe it.
[chuckles]

Interviewer: How was the trip?

Is that what it was?
It was nice.

I loved the all-nighters.

Did heavy on the sleeping,
heavy on the parties.

- Probably right after that...
-[mellow music playing]

...I thought, aha,

I can make
whatever record I want.

So, that next record,
I was doing a lot of Quaalude.

And when it came around
to doing a cover,

they had a really
nice picture of me.

I looked a little tough in it.

I said, "Ah, no,
I'm cooler than that."

And I put on goggles and
that stupid thing on my head

and it was the worst,
ugliest record cover,

not just in my career,

but in a lot
of people's careers.[chuckles]

I wasn't aware of any of it.

I wasn't aware of
thinking that.

I wa-- Actually, you know what?
Too much Quaalude.

That was my drug of choice
for eight years.

For me, what Quaalude did
was knock down inhibitions,

you know,
one layer after another.

All of it began to just kinda
tumble in on my head.

Then it was like
when the halls...

Suddenly, you're not feeling
all the way up

and you wanna blame
everybody else.

My career plunged
off the abyss.

I was rudderless after that.

I was searching. I mean,
I called it "in the meantime."

I would say that to the public,
that I... I feel as though

this is in the meantime
for all of us.

Definitely was for me.

♪ ["Shout" by Joan Baez
& the Neville Brothers plays] ♪

♪ Shout, shout,
Let it all out, oh ♪

♪ These are the things
I can do without... ♪

Joan: The first Amnesty concert,
I've no idea where it was.

[chuckles]
And the bus left without me.

Yoo-hoo.

And then the oops, whoopsie,
and came back to get Joan Baez.

[chuckles]

Oh, dear. How awful.

I mean, I'd worked with
Amnesty. I'd formed Amnesty.

And it didn't matter.
I mean, this was showbiz.

♪ Shout! ♪

[chuckles] Oy.

What a dope. [chuckles]

And also,
thinking I could somehow

insert the politics
into this scene,

which wasn't really possible.

[somber music playing]

Joan: I think it's in these
strange quiet years

where I need patience.

And I also think
that I have to be quite willing

to understand
that I may not do anything

particularly grand
for the rest of my life.

The search is in the doing.
You don't probably get there.

But in-- in searching...

Um, well, that's my life
at the moment.

Everything was off.

My relationships were off.
My sleep was off, you know,

and I thought there must be
another way to live.

Same time, I mean,
I knew inside

that there was something
monstrous in there

that I would have to deal with.
I called it "a kernel."

That there was a kernel
in there that had to be popped

or cracked or whatever.

Mimi: It's 5:29.

And finally, I got up
and realized how angry I was.

Angry, angry, angry, angry.

And I kind of started...

hitting the pillow
around the walls.

And I just lay down
and cried for a while.

I'm broken.

Therapist:
Now, just letting it go.

It's time...

to go within...

to that place inside...

and to possess its riches...

that you are beginning
to discover.

Joan: I used to think
the alternative

to black and white
must be gray.

And to avoid living
a dull life,

I thought in black and white,
not just good or bad,

mind you,
but perfect or damned,

gifted or worthless,

ethereal or demonic.

When I was half a century old,

I pitched myself
into a sea of memories

and headed blindly
for the marrow

of the inner core, me.

Dark, dark, dark.

I flailed about grasping
at clues, recording dreams,

fighting for my life,
and one day, came up for air

and began to see
shards of color.

Slowly,
I began to see and understand,

as the buried past
unfurled itself

like a shredded and
blood-soaked

banner before my eyes,

that I would have died
had I seen it any sooner.

[videotape whirring]

Joan: Mimi called one day
and just wanted to know if

I was interested
in going to therapy,

specifically about
some kind of abuse.

And she mentioned my father.

[mellow music playing]

Joan: Mimi has one memory
that was solid,

and that was my father
coming behind her,

and she was hanging
up the clothes

and turning around,
kissing her

and sticking his tongue
in her mouth.

She finally confronted Popsy.

And, of course it was,
"What are you talking about?"

"I... I could never have done
a thing like that."

Albert: She said that she was
out in the backyard,

hanging up clothes
or something,

and I came over...

[sighs] What she said was
that I kissed her on the mouth.

And that was...[sighs]

That probably was
the greatest shock of anything

I've ever had in my life.

Joan Sr.: The story was that
she was hanging up clothes,

and Al was out...
came out from, I think,

studying in the house,
and saw her.

And I think, in my brain
it had nothing evil,

but I think that he was so
overcome with affection for her

because she looked beautiful...

- Therapist: Uh-huh.
- ...on a lovely day.

He went up and hugged her
and embraced her,

and kissed her.

And she said a wet kiss,
and that just freezes her.

Therapist: And maybe
he was completely innocent

- in having done it.
-Joan Sr.: That's exactly

- what I think.
-Therapist: But... but...

but her experience of it...

Joan Sr.: It's...
it's the other way, yeah.

Therapist: Was... was different.

Joan: The only memory
that I remember

is... is more vague than that.
It was just my father

being in bed with me
in the afternoon,

like a naptime.

And I remember his face
being close to mine

and... and him saying,
"Don't look at me,"

sorta like scolding.

And that's all I
remember of it.

I remember the place.

I remember the room, you know.

That's it. You know, for
conscious memory, that's it.

You know, some people
remember their childhoods.

They remember
what they went through.

And for most of us, I think,

what you do is
you bury that stuff

'cause it's really
too difficult to deal with.

We talked about hypnosis.

He thought that if I could
get down there somewhere,

I'd figure some things out.

So, it's a... it was a shock.

I mean, it was a shock a day,
three days of therapy a week,

to haul these things out.

[somber music playing]

Therapist: You can move
to your center.

To that place
in the center of your being

that continues to move
through time and space.

Memories come, memories go.

Feelings come, feelings go.

Relax the muscles
in your eyelids

down to the point.

Feel that relaxation
flowing from your eyelids.

The tension almost
like a black liquid

just runs out
the tips of your toes.

Come to the stillness.

Come to the quiet.

Or else you can go to
that garden within, wherever.

Joan: I was taking a walk
in the hills.

And...

I looked over
the side of the road,

and I... And in my mind,
I saw this big toad.

And I said, "Well, hello,
toad" or whatever.

And it undid itself
and revealed a baby.

And... and the baby
was Diamond Joan.

It's the origin of the origins.

And it was a... this precious
little altar that I...

I mean, what you do
in your mind,

or what I did, was you take it.

You take it,
and you try and care for it,

and make it safe.

[choral music playing]

[roars]

Joan: My creativity exploded
when I was in the middle

of finding all these people.

And I drew all of it.

The animals were somehow
clearest to me.

Wolf was ferocious,
but would protect me.

Magar, the owl, was
the wise one, the alchemist.

He made
unbearable things bearable.

Watush is in charge
of everything beautiful.

Music and beauty, that's her.

I know
this is really hard for people.

I try to think of a way
to say it that people

would possibly understand
what I'm talking about.

Because I identified
as a multiple personality, MPD.

I had many, many,
many people emerge

with their little stories.
And every little story

was a part of my life
that had been a hindrance.

And then when they could emerge
and talk about it

and explain it,

then it was a little bit
of healing right there.

And then I liked it
'cause I liked these people.

I liked that it
explained myself to me.

I liked it in a way
that it was different.

You know, it was one more
thing in my life

that was, um, interesting.

It was really interesting,
and it still is.

But it came out of hell.

[suspenseful music playing]

Therapist: It has to be
very centered on you right now.

Everybody else had their turn.

Now, it's your turn.

Joan: Every day
walking around...

like a little
personalized time bomb.

And that stuff wants out.

Therapist: You can take
that power back.

Joan: This isn't crazy?

Therapist: What's crazy
is that

there's this woman that hasn't
been able to enjoy her life.

And the fruits of all the work
that she's done.

We have time
for one more person.

Can you find one of the ones
that carries the anger?

Maybe someone
that's been locked... away.

Joan: My memory process
came through body.

My body moved,
did things, said things.

Um, I didn't have snapshots
the way some people do

from recovery.
They see very clearly.

I never had that.

You couldn't kind of pin
anything on it.

It's just feelings,
icky feelings,

exhausting feelings.

And my father was...

somehow involved in that stuff.

And my mom, I just know
she couldn't protect us.

[dramatic music playing]

Albert: I wanted it
tape recorded, too.

- Therapist: Mm-hmm.
- Albert: Because I want...

I want it to be on record.
'Cause otherwise

we... we remember what we want
to remember, kind of.

Joan: We're still trying
to find out how come we

hurt in the way we did...

- Albert: Yeah.
- ...and you didn't see it.

Therapist: I mean, what...
what... what did you miss?

- Do you know what you missed?
- Albert: Of course not.

I mean, how could I know?

We're talking about the things
that I missed...

- Therapist: Yes.
- ...and that I'm not aware of.

Therapist: Right.

What didn't you see?
You still don't even know

- what they're talking about.
- Albert: Of course not.

[somber music playing]

Joan: Well, it's not rational
what happened to us.

You know, it's not...
[breathes deeply]

It's in the land
of make-believe.

And so, most people
don't believe it.

Joan: My parents

thought that my therapist
had made everything up,

and Mimi's
had made everything up.

Oh, Pauline never...

She didn't believe
any of this stuff happened.

She stood by our parents.

I don't think
you ever know for sure.

And I don't think that can
be part of the recovery.

You can't remember
exactly what happened.

Well, I'm smart enough to know
that some are impressions,

some are that really happened,
some that partially happened,

some that is just the feeling
that it happened.

I'm open to that.

If 20 percent
of what I remembered was true,

that was enough...[scoffs]

...to do the damage
that it did.

But I can't prove anything.

Joan Sr.: I thought a big joy
was having them all grow up...

[chuckles]

...happy, wonderful children.
And here they are...

desperate in their
parts because

they've got all these reasons.

- Therapist: Hm.
- Joan Sr.: And it's...

it's terrible.

Albert: Hello, Joanie.
This is Popsy.

I... I got your...
got your message on my...

on my tape.

It... it just broke my heart
to hear you weeping, Joanie.

I long... I long to be friends.

And I wish...
I wish we were nearer

in every sense of the...
of the word.

Take care, Joanie.
I... I love you.

Bye-bye.

Joan: I was estranged
from my dad for a long time.

Why try to get him
to understand?

You know, there really isn't
any point. He won't.

And I... and I believe
that they don't remember,

the parents don't remember.
I absolutely believe that.

It took me till I was 50,
and I wanted to know.

And they don't want
to remember.

[birds chirping]

Joan: I wanted to forgive
as soon as I possibly could.

The light side of the darkness
was all about forgiveness

and kindness and all that,

the good stuff from theBible
and from the Quakers.

- [mellow music playing]
- [birds chirping]

Joan: Forgiving my mom was easy
just 'cause I was

so close to her
and she was fragile.

She's been very ill
and very close to death,

and we had all pretty much
resigned ourselves to just

help her...
help her on her way.

Joan's mom: Mm.

Mm.

Mm.

- Oh.
- [mellow music playing]

No more bite-ito?

[ECG monitor beeping]

Hmm.

That's Mimi's.

These are her drawings
from her recovery.

I wish she had been able
to conquer this shit, you know.

She always felt as though
she wasn't quite there.

And I know the feeling

because once in a while,
that same thing would happen.

But for the most part, to me.

For the most part,
I got there, you know.

[gentle music playing]

Albert: Now, what follows
will be myself at the piano.

[Albert playing piano]

Albert: I'm changing
to a minor mode.

This is a piece that I wrote
in the '40s,

when I was teaching
at Wagner College.

Joan: I'm the last, yeah.

That's strange, too.

Yeah.

So, the two sisters
died of cancer.

Mm, Pauline made it to 77
and Mimi to 50-something.

With Mimi,
it was surely complicated.

From childhood on through to
the competition to all of it.

And when Mimi was
very ill and dying,

she was so pushing me away

that it was almost
impossible to feel much.

All the love was there,
and it was not available.

It's my makeup
to resist feeling.

I don't know what allowed me
to feel it with Pauline...

but I'm just glad that I could

'cause I knew
that covered everybody.

Strange to have them all gone.

There's nobody to refer to.

Or some experience
that we all shared.

My father, once in a while,
I'd have a dream

that-- that reached
that depth of sorrow.

Just something,
little, tiny thing about him,

and his sadness at being alone

so much of the rest
of his later years.

And I'd think, "Oh,
why didn't he..."

"You know, why couldn't we have
taken care of him

the way we took care
of mom?"[sighing]

Joan: Demons still come and go
a little tiny bit,

but not the way they used to.

It's-- I guess you'd measure--
I would measure it mostly

in diminishing phobias,

diminishing panic...
panic attacks.

I am present in a way I
could never have been present.

Got where I wanted to be,

something I could
never have imagined before.

And I would call
that being whole.

[music swells]

Crew member: Now,
do you inhale and hold it or...

- [woman laughing]
- You can if you want.

- It's not gonna get you far.
- [laughs]

Joan: I think I used to feel

that I had to meet
every single person,

I had to shake everybody's
hand, and I had to tell them

what my latest cause was...
[laughs]

...and how important
I was in the world, you know.

But the singing
or the feeling of freedom

even though
it's not that free vocally...

I mean, not that much ease,
vocal ease, now,

but that I'm not carrying
the world on my shoulders.

And I really was for so long.

[crowd applauding]

Joan: But I think that
I waited to the right time.

I wasn't ready
a year-and-a-half ago,

and I wasn't ready a year ago.

Thank you. Gracias.

It's a nice period of my life.

Somebody asked me
that the other day,

which decade did I like best?
I didn't even take a breath.

- I said "This one."
- [crowd cheering]

Joan: Yeah.

♪ ["Fare Thee Well"
by Joan Baez plays] ♪

♪ If I had wings
Like Noah's dove ♪

♪ I'd fly up the river
To the man I love ♪

♪ Fare thee well, my honey ♪

♪ Fare thee well ♪

♪ Some one of these mornings
And it won't be long ♪

♪ You look for me
And I'll be gone ♪

♪ Fare thee well, my honey ♪

♪ Fare, fare thee well ♪

♪ Woke up this morning
It was drizzling rain ♪

♪ And in my heart
An aching pain ♪

♪ Fare thee well, my honey ♪

♪ Fare, fare thee well ♪

♪ Fare thee well ♪

[audience cheering, applauding]

[indistinct chatter]

[mellow music playing]

[insects chirping]

Joan [from audiotapes]:
Train's slowing down.

It's really beautiful out.

It's just dark clouds
and green grass,

and a few trees.

I'm looking out the
window at the moon.

So pretty, so pretty.

[humming]

Oh, my house,
my house is just beautiful.

They put up a tree.

They put a tree

on the highest part
of the house.

It's very peaceful up there.

[clicking tongue] Come on.
Come on.

Good girl. Mom's gonna dance.
She's gonna dance. Yeah.

[dramatic music playing]

Joan: Well, pals.

"The woods are lovely,
dark, and deep,

and I have promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep

and miles to go
before I sleep."

♪ ["The Dream Song"
by Joan Baez plays] ♪

♪ I had a dream ♪

♪ I was following
A barefoot girl ♪

♪ Beside a stream
That flowed around the world ♪

♪ We spoke of many things
Though her mouth never moved ♪

♪ As the most peculiar scenes
Were disappearing into view ♪

♪ Oh, what a dream
Beyond the realm of why♪

♪ Pretty little beings
Beneath the yawning sky ♪

♪ Speaking of God
As though they could define ♪

♪ Music to the deaf
And color to the blind ♪

♪ Or God to man ♪

♪ And then the leaves
Became a thousand tears ♪

♪ And I was on my knees
In a crazy house of mirrors ♪

♪ Couldn't find my face but a
oice was drawing nearer ♪

♪ Hush, baby, sweet baby ♪

♪ Hush, don't you cry
It's all a dream ♪

[gentle music playing]