Original subtitles

MITCHELL: I do solemnly swear

that everything I am about to tell you is true.

A spill of weirdness from another dimension

turned my hometown into the center of weirdness

for the entire universe.

Don't believe me? Just watch.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

MITCHELL: After a long Indiana winter,

people's thoughts turn to the coming of spring.

But here in Eerie, all thoughts give way

to the big weekend of small town fun known as

Jackalope Days.

Okay, okay, down a little, Mitch.

Up a tich on your end, Mr. Crawford.

No, no, no!

Mitchell, you gotta keep on coming up, all right?

Crawford, just... Stay there.

Doesn't have to be perfect.

Yes, it does.

Anybody who comes in,

this is the first thing they're gonna see.

[STAMMERS] How's that?

Stanley!

Dead nuts!

All right, Mitchell, tie it up.

Use a sheep-shape knot, we don't wanna slip in.

Stanley, who exactly put you in charge?

Jackalope Days.

Where the little guy is king. [MITCHELL CHUCKLES]

Well, maybe,

the little guy can tell us where to put these.

Huh? [CHUCKLING]

I know where we can put one of them.

STANLEY: Wow.

The first Jackalope.

Makes you feel fuzzy all over, doesn't it?

Well, that could be the dust mites.

I forgot to seal the box.

Tell us the story, Mr. Crawford.

All right.

A rare and wily jackalope

born in the mists of Eerie's past,

a cross between the Jack Rabbit and the Pygmy Antelope.

He was the undisputed king of the great Midwest.

A majestic creature,

who protected the weak and the timid,

to this day, he still roams Eerie's piny wood,

ever-vigilant to defend those...

Pure of heart and wiggly of nose.

[CHUCKLING] Mm...

STANLEY: But this year,

we're gonna win your best fake jackalope photo contest.

MR. CRAWFORD: Well, good luck!

Remember, there's always a chance

you'll meet one face to face.

I can't hardly wait.

Buck Corona the Third,

world's most renowned hunter,

of the unhunted.

The unhunted?

I go after what no one else believes in,

let alone has the guts to hunt.

Wow.

Wow doesn't begin to describe it.

African hoop snake.

Bites its tail to roll up on you.

I smoked one in '93.

The Minotaur, the Griffin,

got them all with the old [KISSES] Bugsy here.

The Ackrorn PSI

native freon blaster,

modified, of course.

The only weapon to bag the beast

Sherlock Holmes called them

the most terrifying he ever faced,

the giant rat of Sumatra.

Sherlock Holmes was fiction.

So were all those other animals.

They don't exist.

Not anymore, they don't.

What brings you to Eerie, Mr. Corona?

[CHUCKLING] I came to pick off one of these.

I hear you sell hunting licenses.

It'll cost you 20 bucks.

[CHUCKLES] Small price to pay

to bag a legend.

Yes!

MITCHELL: The jackalope is a goofy world myth,

a tell-tale postcard come to life.

But Buck Corona III made my blood run cold.

And I wondered if the little critter

was in danger of a fate worse than being bad folk art.

Back home, my family was making

their own preparations for Jackalope Days,

unaware of the dark force that had just blown into town.

Aha, Mitchell, Stanley!

Hang on, just in time

to try my entry into the jackalope stew contest.

Chili! The little guy's favorite!

Oh, give it here!

Here you go, go, oh.

You know jackalopes love chili.

If it's spicy enough to make your nose run,

the jackalope comes and picks up its scent,

and it comes to tastes it.

I know. But Stanley, you better hold off.

Last year, you ended up sucking ice, so you could talk.

[COUGHING]

[STAMMERS] Getting there, Mr. T!

Ice is in the freezer.

[WHEEZING] [COUGHING]

[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ I'm sitting here Fretting my hearts in despair

♪ The word in town's told me

♪ I'm getting the chair

♪ As soon as we'll be standing In that heavenly choir

♪ With my backside All scorched in

♪ My hair is still on fire

♪ So you lonely loogies

♪ I know how you feel

♪ But I still want A big steak

♪ To be my last meal

[CLAPPING] [DOG HOWLING]

What was that?

Well, the nuclear workers auxiliary

thought that it might be fun for us to have some

jackalope songs for the festivities.

Jackalope songs?

Legend has it

the jackalope can imitate the human voice.

STANLEY: Didn't you know that?

Many old cowpokes sing it to their little doggies.

Hear their lonesome melody

echoing down from the high grass.

MR. TAYLOR: Try to keep up on your local history, Son.

Jackalope Days are so much like Christmas.

Great songs,

wonderful food,

and animals with antlers.

Yeah, people who want to kill them.

What?

Just, we met this really weird big game hunter

at the World O'Stuff,

he said he was gonna shoot a jackalope.

The jackalope's made up, Mitchell.

But Mr. Crawford sold him a jackalope hunting license.

Now why would he buy one unless there was a chance,

even a really small chance

the jackalopes still live here.

[ALL LAUGHING] Mitchell.

Oh, Son...

It's probably somebody that

Mayor Carver brought in to attract more tourists.

Come on, Stanley, let's go test that chili again.

MITCHELL: Despite the incredibly sensitive

and supportive assurance from my best friend and family,

I still felt uneasy.

And what happened in the days to come,

didn't make me feel any better.

Hey, Mitchell. How's it going?

Hey, Damien. Where'd you...

One eight year old

says he saw Jackalopes

sunbathing at these coordinates.

BOTH: Mm-hmm.

And those two carat plastic asses showed me

came from two clicks north of the exact same spot.

BOTH: Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

What's going on?

Mr. Weird Kingdom over there

rented part of my store for a war room. [CHUCKLES]

He's paying five bucks for the tips

for the likely whereabouts of the Jackalope.

You're kidding.

For fifty bucks,

I told him there was a creek in the piny woods

where you can still catch fur bearing bass. [GIGGLES]

Go make yourself some folding money.

[GIGGLING]

Don't you think that it's strange

that he's investing so much into a fantasy?

Listen, people come in here all the time

to buy a lottery ticket.

It's pretty much the same thing.

There you go. Yours.

[CHUCKLING]

You got any information, kid?

Just questions.

Why are you doing this?

Let's pretend for a minute that the Jackalope is real.

Oh, it's real as you and me.

Okay, but he's totally harmless.

Harmless?

Yeah, the stories talk about

how he protected the weak and timid.

How do you think he can kick anything if he's so harmless.

Listen, kid,

I'll tell you the same thing I tell those tree-huggers

and I-won't-wear-fur folks.

Don't you be taken in

by that Jackalope's docile nature.

No? No!

For years, government agencies have been conspiring

to keep the people in the dark

about the horned menace.

Jackalope is a barbaric bunny,

the scourge to the Big Foot

hunting them to near extinction.

I thought the Big Foot was extinct.

It is. I got the last one.

Hm.

That's not the point.

Jackalope is vicious and unpredictable.

I can't wait to corner one.

And silence the beating of both his evil little hearts.

Oh!

[CRACKLING]

[EXPLOSION]

[EVIL LAUGHTER]

Huh?

You little yokels.

You think it's all fun!

As long as there's one lonely Jackalope,

you all are in danger of extinction.

Hm!

He goes,

or we do.

[LAUGHING]

MITCHELL: Tell me, Stanley,

this guy's a numero uno nut bar.

Still think you should have sold him some sightings.

We could've use the money to build a better Jackalope.

I hate using Mr. Huggy this way.

I mean, the encyclopedia is chock-full of real animals

who were hunted to extinction.

Maybe Buck Corona is the reason

that none of the mythological creatures are around either.

You're just not gonna get

into the spirit of Jackalope Days

until you put this to rest, are you?

Nope.

All right, Kemosabe,

what do you have in mind?

All right, all right, let me get this straight.

We're going to set out a bowl of chilly

start a tape up and snare a Jackalope?

That's the plan.

And what actually makes you think

that that would work?

Well, it might not.

Corona's basing his hunt on the exact same game plan.

So at least we're starting from ground level.

Right! Follow the same game plan as a loony ball.

Always a good idea.

Well, if you have a better idea...

[BOTH YELLING]

STANLEY: What happened?

MITCHELL: I don't know. We must have walked into some kind of a trap.

Well, well, well.

Looks like I caught me a couple of live ones.

[LAUGHING EVILLY]

What was that all about, Bugs?

Hey, that's mine!

What?

What?

A rope snare is a hunter's best friend.

Always hang your prey

where the other predators can't get at it.

I hate to sound over-dramatic

but there's nothing in these woods that hunts kids.

Until now.

Uh! Look!

MITCHELL: That's m...

[LAUGHING] They never tell you fellas...

Spicy food and country music

might convince a cowgirl to go out with you,

but it won't work with Jackalopes.

Yeah? Says who?

Says somebody who's hunted things like them,

and doesn't like other hunters

working his turf.

We have just as much right being here as you.

Uh...

At least I think we do.

Why don't you guys get on home?

You can't compete.

I'm hanging that Jackalope's fuzzy tail in my meat locker

while you're all still wondering if you heard a twig snap.

Yeah, we're still gonna take our chances.

Suit yourself.

Well, maybe you all will see what you're up against.

STANLEY: Wow! Ectoplasm detectors?

Phantom radar, spectra sonar?

Uh, he's got everything

from every sci-fi movie we've ever seen.

They're ultimate and mythical monitors.

If we had this,

all the weirdness in Eerie wouldn't stand a chance.

That is, if it works.

Oh, it works all right.

You want to see what I found for lunch?

[CHUCKLING]

Go on, you want to try and feel it?

You haven't lived

till you've tasted pan-fried fur-bearing bass

fresh from piny woods.

Melts in your mouth.

Mm-mm.

I'll pass.

I don't feel like eating some bad taxidermy joke.

MITCHELL: Stanley, this is serious.

He's not some magnetron ignoramus or some yahoo.

He knows there's a Jackalope here

and he's going to kill it.

What are we supposed to do?

You saw all that stuff.

We'll have to split up.

Oh yeah, great. Then we'll have even less to work with.

No, we'll be in twice as many places.

Besides, we have something he doesn't.

Oh, yeah, what?

We know the stories,

and if they're true, so is the Jackalope.

You take mom's tape-recorder,

I'll take dad's chili.

Stay in constant radio communication.

If we do find a Jackalope,

we're gonna have to get out of here butt-quick.

Mm, mm, mm, mm.

[CHUCKLING]

Splitting up to double their odds.

Amateurs! [CHUCKLING]

Ugh!

Ugh! [COUGHING]

Uh, uh...

Trapper One to Trapper Two.

Come in. Trapper Two.

Uh...

Trapper One all set. STANLEY: Roger.

Trapper Two, over and out.

What a couple of maroons? [CHUCKLING]

[BEEPING] Hm.

[BEEPING]

Anything new, Trapper Two?

Well, I'm pretty sure I'm not a fan of country music.

Uh, and I may never smell anything again except Tabasco.

[HIGH PITCHED SINGING]

Can you hear that?

MITCHELL: Sounds like an echo.

No. I just think your mom was singing with Carrie.

No, Carrie wasn't singing. She was all done...

Mitchell, it's a Jackalope.

STANLEY: It's got to be!

Can you see it? Not yet.

Hold on, Stan, I'm coming to help.

[BANG]

Stanley got something!

Stanley!

BOTH: I got one!

BOTH: We both got one?

[YELLING] Get out of here, quick!

You won't get away from me.

Argh! Come back here!

No matter where you run,

I'll get there first.

Mom, Carrie, come fast.

This is a major coup, Mitchell.

Not only are we going to win that photo contest,

we've discovered a whole brand new species.

We can get ourselves a zoo.

Open up a foundation and get ourselves our own TV shows.

Stanley, let's think about this.

Jackalopes have stayed hidden for centuries

without harming anything.

You mean, not like goat-suckers or werewolves, wreaking havoc?

Exactly, we could be messing with the balance of nature here.

How are we supposed to bring them out in the open

if Corona's trying to shoot them?

Little bulletproof vests?

[MUFFLED YELLING]

What the heck is that?

Mom, Dad, Carrie! Are you guys all right?

What happened?

It was unbelievable.

Yeah, we were sitting her quietly

playing a three-way game of Scrabble

and then this madman bursts in.

Just when I was about to

make my first Triple Word score.

What kind of a madman?

He looked like one of those men from one of those nature shows.

What did he want?

Jackalopes.

He swore that you had one.

Oh, Mitchell. What are we gonna do?

You do have one?

Well... Look, Mitchell.

We have been awfully understanding

about this weirdness kick of yours,

but if this is going to affect your home life,

I'm gonna have to put my foot down.

Did you see where he was going, Dad?

He said something about checking out World O'Stuff.

Stan, hide the crates.

What are you gonna do?

Gonna see if I can reason with this madman.

Well, don't forget your jacket.

MITCHELL: Mr. Crawford, what happened?

[MUFFLED TALKING]

Ah!

That Jackalope hunter guy came... Wow, whoa!

That Jackalope hunter guy came busting in here.

For a minute I thought he wanted his money back, you know. [CHUCKLES]

Fortunately, all he wanted was you.

Did he say anything? I'll say.

Most of which I can't repeat,

in front of kids or polite company.

But he did say that he wanted you

to bring his Jackalope back to his camp

or he'd use his hostage for bait.

He took a hostage?

Yeah, the garbage guy.

Garbage guy?

Yeah, the guy who's always going through my garbage?

Mi, Mit, Mitchell!

Mitch!

I could have swore

I already bagged the last of you.

[GROWLING]

Of course, the moon will be up soon.

So it's lucky I got you for...

Jackalope dinner time!

[LAUGHING]

MITCHELL: Stan.

Stanley.

Come in, Stanley.

Mitchell?

Stanley? Where are you?

In the attic.

Are you okay?

I'll fill you in later.

Right now, I need you to get back in the woods.

Here's the plan.

MITCHELL: Corona!

Where's my Jackalope?

I don't have them.

You let Big Foot go.

Not on your life! Why not?

He doesn't harm anybody.

He just digs through our trash.

He doesn't even read our old junk mail.

Ha! You don't get it, do you?

If the Jackalope doesn't eat him,

I'm gonna have to finish him off.

You can't leave creatures like this

running around. Why not?

[CHUCKLING] Well! Imagine a world

where minotaurs trample people's lawns.

Mothers can't leave their babies

playing out in the yard,

'cause they're afraid some griffin

is gonna come down out of the sky

and swoop away with them.

That only happens in mythology.

Without guys like me, it would be happening everyday.

I make the world safe for ordinary life.

It'll be a lot safer

once that rare and wily Jackalope is gone as well.

All right! All right, you win.

You let Big Foot go,

I'll let you have one of our Jackalopes.

Show them to me first.

Stan!

All right, place them

in the middle of the clearing there.

And make sure the lid stays shut.

All right now, back off!

I'll untie the Big Foot,

walk him over to you.

[CHUCKLING]

Nobody moves,

or you're gonna hear from Bugsy.

Come on.

Yeah.

[GRUNTING]

Run for it! I can't leave Mr. Huggy!

Forget about Mr. Huggy!

[EXPLOSION]

Mr. Huggy!

He's toasted.

You think I was born yesterday?

Trying to pull that old trick on me.

Give me my Big Foot.

[HEAVY BREATHING]

Well, what are you waiting for?

Uh, Mitchell...

Well, I...

I don't think that would be such a good idea.

Why not? Because there's...

Someone here who looks out for the...

Pure of heart and wiggly of nose.

What are you talking about?

Maybe you should look behind you?

Huh, you really do think I was born yesterday, don't you?

Okay, don't look behind you.

[LAUGHING]

[GROWLING]

[YELLING]

Guess it's true what they say.

It's best not to mess with Mother Nature.

MITCHELL: The Jackalope didn't eat Buck Corona.

Mr. Crawford saw him hightailing it out of town

the next morning.

And Jackalope Days went off without a hitch.

Except we didn't win our photo contest.

Nobody thought our pictures looked fake enough.

Hey! Hey, Stan.

You think that big Mama Jackalope

was nature's way of saying there's some weird things

that should be left alone?

You mean they are there for a purpose?

Yeah, and until we understand what that purpose is

we shouldn't go around trying to get rid of them.

Hmm... Well, now we got to focus on getting rid of something else.

Tell me about it.

I mean, they're breeding like rabbits.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

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