Original subtitles

MITCHELL: I do solemnly swear

that everything I am about to tell you is true.

A spill of weirdness from another dimension

turned my hometown into the center of weirdness

for the entire universe.

Don't believe me? Just watch.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

MITCHELL: When aunt Gladys called to invite my parents to stay for the weekend,

I knew we were heading straight for disaster.

As weird as things are with my parents in the house,

the idea of being left alone with my sister was even more terrifying.

MRS. TAYLOR: Now, Michelle, promise me you won't fight with your sister.

We'll only be gone until Sunday, okay?

EDWARD: And remember, Carrie is in charge, okay?

I'm able to look after myself.

Give your sister some credit.

No matter what you may think, she is older and more mature.

[CARRIE SCREAMING]

Carrie, what is it?

I'm mutilated, can't you see?

ALL: No.

Are you blind? I'm blemished.

A zit?

I'm positively disfigured.

I can never be seen in public again.

Honey, you look lovely.

What is the point of living?

[CAR HONKING]

Oh, that's the cab. We gotta get going.

I'm gonna lock myself in my bedroom and never come out again.

Now, tell me about the older and more mature part again.

Carrie, we'll call when we get to aunt Gladys's.

EDWARD: Goodbye, Son.

We love ya. Take care.

MITCHELL: Three days stuck alone with the curse of the invisible blackhead woman.

Could things get any worse?

[DOOR BELL RINGS]

MITCHELL: In Eerie, that's always a safe bet.

Dolly Smith of Vein Glory Beauty Incorporated.

And the proprietor of the soon due open, Vein Glory Spa.

This is my associate, George Webber.

Charmed.

Are your parents home?

Uh, no.

Oh. [GIGGLES] Isn't that too bad?

Perhaps there's someone else. A sister maybe

who might be interested in seeing our beauty line.

Michell, why didn't you warn me. You know I can't be seen like this.

DOLLY: There she is.

Oh, George. Just look at her.

GEORGE: Truly remarkable.

[DOLLY EXHALES]

You're her.

Actually I prefer to call her "it".

George.

[EXHALES]

Oh, eyes, two millimeters off.

Oh, eyeshadow can fix that.

Oh, lets see chin. [GASPS] One millimeter, too.

Excuse me?

[CHUCKLES] My dear, you are exactly what I've been searching for.

A young woman to represent the Vein Glory Beauty ideal.

Me? Her?

I'll make you famous.

You will be known far and wide

as the most beautiful girl in the universe.

Everyone will want to look like you!

They will?

My dear, you're perfect.

[SNICKERS]

Almost.

MITCHELL: They say, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."

All I know is the look that I saw in Dolly's eye that day was anything but beautiful.

What I saw, looked downright weird.

As Miss Vein Glory you'll get our full treatment.

You'll receive a full makeover.

Hair tint, makeup and our special patented preservative.

By the time we get through with you, your own brother here won't recognize you.

Look, as much as it pains me to say this.

What's wrong with the way she looks now?

Oh, well. Her hair it's, uh...

CARRIE: Too dark, right?

See, I knew it.

And these cheek bones.

Too high.

Too low?

I've always felt that.

And we simply must do something about that mouth.

May I say that I've always felt that.

Michell, you are so jealous.

Just because I'm going to be a celebrity.

Look, Carrie, don't you think you should discuss this with mom and dad first.

I think your sister is old enough to make her own decisions.

Humph.

You see, lots of people think that beauty is something that's different

to different people. [LAUGHS HEARTILY]

But we at Vein Glory Beauty have gone far beyond that kind of imprecision.

In short, we know what's really beautiful

and what isn't.

Trust me, Dolly knows.

She was Miss Eerie after all.

Before we're through, when people think of beauty,

they're gonna think of Miss Vein Glory.

[DREAMY MUSIC PLAYING]

[GIGGLES]

MITCHELL: Age defying, covering up, concealing?

I don't claim to know anything about cosmetics

but this didn't sound like it was about beauty.

It sounded like it was about hiding something.

MITCHELL: I'm telling you, Stanley, last thing my sister

needs to concentrate on is her looks.

I mean, she already controls the bathroom most of our waking hours.

Luckily my bladder control is in top form.

[CHUCKLES] Yup, there it is. The Wall of Eerie Beauty.

Thirty years of Eerie winners.

MITCHELL: Wow. 1971, Miss Dolly Smith. Holy Cow-fish!

STANLEY: She looks just like Carrie.

So, I see you fellows are admiring the cream of Eerie womanhood, eh? [CHUCKLES]

In a superficial purely physical sense, of course.

This Dolly Smith wants my sister to represent her beauty company.

Dolly Smith. [CHUCKLES]

Now, there was a looker, fellows. Hmm.

As I recall, she swept the Eerie crown and rode it all the way

to the Miss Cosmos competition.

She won that, too?

Oh, no. Lost by one vote.

Ran from the stage in tears.

That was the last I ever heard of her.

Well, she's back.

She's got her ultra lacquered nails deep in my sister.

That could hurt. [SNIFFS]

Ice water, anybody?

MITCHELL: If there's one thing I've learned living in Eerie,

it's this, what seems normal is probably weird

and what seems weird is usually off the scale.

Dolly Smith was setting off my weirdness meter big time.

[YELLING] Carrie, where are you?

CARRIE: Michell, it's so wonderful.

Look what Dolly did to me.

Have you looked in a mirror?

I know. I'm beautiful.

It's not exactly the word I was looking for.

Well, Dolly says I am and she should know.

Oh. I'm sorry. I shouldn't get so excited.

Dolly says extreme emotion is bad for the complexion.

Dolly's beauty system isn't just about makeup.

It's a whole lifestyle.

Oh. [CHUCKLES] What else does Dolly say?

Lots of important things.

Like about not going outside so my skin doesn't dry up.

And not smiling too much, so I don't get crinkly lines around my eyes.

And not worrying or concentrating too hard

on anything so I don't crease my forehead.

So, what are you allowed to do?

I think I'm okay to watch TV.

Can't you see what this woman is trying to do to you?

I know she is going to make me the most beautiful girl in town.

Uh-oh. Anger.

MITCHELL: As my sister proved, being a math whiz

and being sensible don't always go together.

No fresh air or sunlight, no worrying, no smiling?

How big a jump was it to no feeling

or even worse, no thinking?

That jump seemed to be getting smaller with each passing moment.

Something strange was definitely going on in Dolly's Miss Spa.

Something Stanley and me had to get to the bottom of.

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

DOLLY: Here at Vein Glory, we have a very clear standard of beauty.

A standard that you, my dear, are going to exemplify.

You're going to become the benchmark of beauty

that the world will measure itself against.

And the fabulous thing is, you're gonna stay that way

for eternity. [LAUGHS EXULTANTLY]

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

[BELL RINGING]

GEORGE: I don't know, Dolly. Do you think we're going too far here?

DOLLY: Oh, maybe you're right, George.

I am?

Don't be a sap. Of course you're not right.

We've spent the last seven years

searching for a girl fit to wear the Miss Vein Glory crown.

Soon the entire world will agree that the Vein Glory Girl

is the perfect beauty.

[MAGICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

STANLEY: What's that?

Looks like the Eerie Wash and Go Car Wash.

Something's getting the works.

[ALARM BLARING]

[BEEPING]

[BELL RINGING]

DOLLY: Oh. [INHALES] Ah!

DOLLY: You are even more beautiful than I imagined you would be.

[MAGICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Dolly...

Shut up, George. Come along, dear.

My public is waiting.

MITCHELL: We've all heard people describe somebody they love as living doll

but I'm sure very few mean it the same way that I did that day.

All I knew is that my sister had become Dolly's dress up toy

and I had to get her back before the game began.

MITCHELL: How much worse could things get?

Dolly had turned my sister into a walking talking marketing device.

And was about to unleash her on an unsuspecting public.

Even in her natural state, Carrie was a handful.

Who knew what effect she'd have after Dolly's changes.

Ladies! Ladies.

DOLLY: I'm here today to talk to you about dreams.

Now, I'm sure some of you have dreamed about money, travel,

men. [LAUGHS]

[ALL LAUGHING]

But the dream that you all share

is to be more beautiful.

Well, at the brand new Vein Glory Spa, we can do that for you.

In fact, we can make you perfect.

[MAGICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[ALL GASPING]

Well, if the bride of lipstick-Stine

doesn't throw a wench in their plan, nothing will.

She's just like the doll.

That's right, dear. She's just as beautiful.

If your mommy buys you a Miss Vein Glory doll,

you'll know exactly what you want to look like when you grow up.

Please, Mommy. She's beautiful.

Yes, dear.

DOLLY: And for those of you ladies who may never know

the true, vibrant beauty,

the utter perfection of Miss Vein Glory herself,

by using our product,

you can dedicate yourselves

to the ultimate dream of looking like...

her.

[ALL EXHALING]

You sure that stuff is in style?

It's always in style.

I reckon it's in style.

GEORGE: Well, ladies and girls, step right up and take a look.

Get acquainted with what could be the new, beautiful you.

Start your treatments today at the brand new Vein Glory Spa.

[SIGHS] Come on, Stanley. Let's see if we can talk some sense into her.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Carrie? Look at you.

Have you gone loco? You don't even look real.

Don't you see, she's just trying to turn you into a makeup robot

just because you look like she did when she was your age.

Michell, I refuse to argue with you.

You refuse to argue with me?

You love to argue. You're the head of the debating team.

Correction. I used to be the head of the debating team.

Used to be?

And what about math?

You're Eerie's top math student, are you gonna give that up, too?

I'd give up anything to be perfect.

Next thing you know, you'll drop out of school entirely.

You wanna spend the rest of you life selling makeup and dolls?

[SQUEAKING NOISE]

CARRIE: What's happening to my face?

Carrie, you're coming apart!

CARRIE: Help. Help me, please.

[SCREAMS]

DOLLY: Carrie, darling, you're looking so tired.

George! Miss Vein Glory has to go back to the spa.

CARRIE: What is this?

You can't take her back there.

You got nothing to say about it, kid.

MITCHELL: Carrie, don't let them do this to you.

What we're gonna do now?

Like the man said, Stan. "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em."

And once we join them, beat 'em.

[MILITARY MUSIC PLAYING]

What?

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

MITCHELL: For two guys who are totally baffled by girls,

Stanley and me had landed right in the middle of it.

For at this terrible moment,

we had become members of the fairer sex.

Hello, young ladies.

Are we here for a treatment?

Yeah, that's righ... [CLEARS THROAT]

[MIMICS GIRL VOICE] I mean, that's right.

And what kind of treatment were we after today?

[IN A HIGHER TONE] Oh, well. We were, um,

thinking of the

Vein Glory Comprehensive Eye Makeover.

Oh, the Dead Sea mud with the cucumber slices

or the avocado paste with chamomile sachets?

We'll take the mud.

Oh, you'll love it.

Follow me, girls.

Remember Carrie?

[GRUNTS]

Okay.

I think Michell was just trying to help.

Ha! Help destroy my perfect beauty, you mean.

Isn't it my beauty?

Oh. [GIGGLES] Of course it is. Didn't I say that, dear?

We can't risk her cracking every time she tries to think.

We need extra hardener.

We can't, Dolly. She'll be sealed in for life.

Did I miss you on a memo, George?

Permanent perfection is what Vein Glory is about.

Carrie has reached the pinnacle of beauty.

A pinnacle I touched for one brief, shinny moment.

And I will not let her topple from it like I did.

Now, get the hardener.

And lots of it.

Now just a few hours of this and your eyes will be all ready for their new look.

A few hours?

Maybe there's been a mistake.

Ah, of course.

We forgot the cucumber.

Now remember, no thinking.

[BOTH GIGGLING]

Now is our chance, Stan.

You know, I could get used to this.

Come on!

CARRIE: This is so cool!

DOLLY: We need to make sure it's right, dear.

It's going to be like this forever.

Oh. If it is, could we do something about the hair?

I was thinking maybe the bangs...

Oh! No, no. It's perfect.

It's perfect. [GIGGLES]

You don't mess with perfection.

[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]

Is the hardener ready?

Dolly, please.

Do it.

It's not right.

I said, do it!

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

Now, remember, Carrie darling,

after the machine runs its course,

you have to remain very still for a few minutes

until the hardener does its job.

After that, no one will be able to still your beauty.

[EXHALES]

[BELL RINGING]

[BEEPING]

[GRUNTS]

MITCHELL: The Carrie Wash! Come on, Stanley.

[BEEPING]

[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

MITCHELL: It started!

We have to turn this thing off.

DOLLY: I don't think so.

Get away from that machine.

I'm not gonna let you turn my sister into Miss Polymer, 1971.

I was Miss Eerie, you little saboteur.

And I was beautiful.

George, he's being mean to me.

GEORGE: Oh, look, kid. Give it up.

The machine's finished its cycle.

[BELL RINGING]

[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]

Carrie?

GEORGE: Forget it, kid. There's nothing anybody can do.

STANLEY: You wanna bet?

Carrie, are you in there?

Listen, if you can hear me, blink twice.

Come on, you have to think!

George, you idiot. Grab them. She needs time to harden.

Aah! Let us go!

Carrie! [GETS MUFFLED] Think.

STANLEY: Try math. Carrie loves math.

Shut them up!

You have $70 left on your credit card,

plus $20 in cash

and a ten percent discount.

You have three parties to attend. One of which is semi-formal.

Two other girls are wearing pink spandex.

MITCHELL: How much do you spend in which store and what do you wear?

[CRACKLING NOISE]

CARRIE: Oh, no.

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

[CARRIE GROANING]

[GROANS]

[WHIMPERING]

I'd buy two skirts at $30 a piece

from the Funky Shack.

One red and one black.

Three blouses from Masons at 39.99.

Assorted colors.

I'd mix and match the skirts and blouses for the first two parties.

And then... And then I'd buy

a retro cocktail dress, blue, for the semi-formal at the Bargain Bin.

Six dollars for lunch and spend the rest on CDs.

And that would be how much change?

Four dollars and sixteen cents.

Look what you've done. You've ruined her. You've ruined me.

Without Miss Vein Glory I'm nothing. [CRYING]

I'm just an ugly, dried up has been.

No, Dolly.

There's nothing ugly about you.

Maybe you should try a more natural look.

Natural?

Uh! There's an idea.

[MAGICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

CARRIE: Well, there goes my chance to be famous.

MITCHELL: You've got bigger problems than that to worry about.

Like what?

Like, mom is coming home and the whole kitchen is a disaster area.

Oh.

By the way. Nice dresses.

MITCHELL: When mom and dad got back,

they complimented Carrie on taking such good care of me.

As for Carrie, in the past week she's already gone through

two more fashion makeovers.

She's now trying out something my parents

don't even want to admit is happening.

And as for Dolly...

DOLLY: Remember, ladies,

you worked hard for those gray hairs.

Be proud of them.

And show off those extra years with All Natural Naturama Beauty Products.

Remember, he loves you for who you really are.

MITCHELL: Dolly finally found a way to love herself for who she is

and not who she was.

And in typical Eerie style,

when the going turns weird,

the truly weird find a way to cash in.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

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