Original subtitles

MITCHELL: I do solemnly swear

that everything I am about to tell you is true.

A spill of weirdness from another dimension

turned my hometown into the center of weirdness

for the entire universe.

Don't believe me? Just watch.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

MITCHELL: From my perspective,

things in Eerie, Indiana, are generally pretty weird.

But that's not exactly front page news around here.

And even when it is, I'm the only one who seems to notice.

Another problem with Eerie,

it's a one newspaper town.

Paper's here.

Sports.

Front page, please.

CARRIE: Business and Finance.

MITCHELL: So, on most mornings, there's enough to read.

Comics.

MITCHELL: If you don't have to share it with too many people.

You're mom invited me for breakfast.

MITCHELL: Oh, great!

EDWARD: Wheat Whackers lost again?

It's a zero and 40.

More layoffs at the Plant.

Eerie Stock Exchange is down 22 points.

There go my shares in pop and glow pimple cream.

Hey, this is from Eerie Technologies.

Stanley, it's here.

What's here?

Our "Space Age Marvel of Communications Technology.

No batteries required."

What the...

"For best results, wax string?

"Wax not included.

"For long distance calling, add string from package?

String may contain unknown fibers."

This isn't what the ad promised.

EDWARD: This is interesting.

Eerie girl has world's pointiest head.

MITCHELL: Passing off two tin cans

as a marvelous science was more than a swindle.

It was betrayal of a newspaper's responsibility

to print the truth.

I knew somebody had to take on the power of the press here.

What I didn't know was the Eerie Enquirer wasn't just weird.

It was downright dangerous.

STANLEY: Try it again, Mitchell.

Testing one, two, three.

This stinks!

I heard that.

Try it again.

Dad, I paid $14 plus shipping for this stupid thing.

When I was a kid,

a good piece of string and a set of tin cans

will only set you back about $4.50.

MITCHELL: Dad, they con innocent children.

Where's the honesty, where's the justice?

Where do you guys keep your wax?

I mean, isn't that considered lying?

I think the official term is advertising.

Would ear wax work? Well, you know what?

I'm gonna sue for false advertising.

Honey, technically, you are walking and talking.

Mom, your only son's been victimized.

Mitchell, please.

I am swamped today.

As soon as I get to the Nuclear Plant, I'm taking the phone off th hook.

MITCHELL: Yeah, but... I just don't have time to deal with this right now.

Why don't you talk to the paper?

Get them to do an... expose.

Your mother is right.

The newspapers have to print the truth,

the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Or is that the postal service?

You know, I'm gonna go down there,

and I'm gonna fight for my rights.

Well, I'll drive you.

Paper says it's gonna rain.

No, we'll walk. Come on, Stan.

[STANLEY SCREAMING]

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

It's amazin' how The Enquirer always knows the weather.

MRS. TAYLOR: Bye, honey. [KISSES] Buh-bye.

Excuse me, sir. I'm looking for the editor.

You're lookin' at him. Emil Conrad.

Well, sir, it's about...

Make it snappy, young fellow, I got a newspaper to get out.

Well, it was just... That I...

We, Stanley and me,

That's the "who." Now give me the "what," "where," "why" and "how."

We ordered a walkie-talkie from an ad in your paper.

And we were expecting...

STANLEY: Well, this.

Space Age Marvel of Communications Technology.

What's your point?

It's a string with two tin cans attached.

Hello?

Yeah. Roger Wilco, over and out.

I heard that perfectly.

Now, unless you got some news...

How about "Innocent boys duped by misleading add"?

It's a great human interest story.

People got no interest in human interest.

They want blood, gore, death and destruction. That's what sells papers.

Now, if you strangled yourself on the strings, and it was a slow news day,

maybe. But, Eerie Technologies is ripping off unsuspecting kids.

Did you read the fine print?

What fine print?

MR. CONRAD: "Not exactly as illustrated.

May not work, no refunds."

One way or another, The Eerie Enquirer always prints the truth.

Sorry, but you made that trick down here for biscuits.

I need real stories. [CHUCKLES]

Hey. Now take a hike, I got a paper to run.

MITCHELL: I don't know what felt worse, that we'd been tricked,

Or that we'd come in with a useless walkie-talkie

and now, we didn't even have that.

You coming? He took our walkie-talkie.

STANLEY: So what? It doesn't work.

MITCHELL: It's still ours.

STANLEY: Wow, what's all this?

MR. CONRAD: Here. MITCHELL: I don't know, but there's Mr. Crawford.

MR. CONRAD: Say cheese...

Mr. Crawford? Huh?

What are you doing here? Well, isn't this great, fellas?

I won today's "Get your picture in the paper" contest.

Get that back to the press, pronto.

You bet, chief. Hey, Scoop!

I don't hear them presses rumbling for the late edition.

Hold your horses, boss. I'm just crunching up the lead.

You kids get outta here, you're not allowed back here.

Well, come on, fellas, I'll buy you a black cow.

Are we finished?

Yeah, you'll find your picture in the late edition.

Well, what about our walkie-talkie?

Can't, I'm busy.

Now take the air before you find yourselves

the center of some tragic news story.

[MACHINE BLARING]

What's that? The presses are rolling.

Exciting, isn't that? [CHUCKLES]

Well, come on, guys.

You go ahead, Mr. Crawford, we'll catch up.

We still got a score to settle.

Oh, say, uh, have them add an extra bundle of papers to my order.

Front page.

MR. CONRAD: Fireman rescues kitten.

TRIXIE: It's good news for the morning edition.

SCOOP: Yeah, we wanna write some nice stories for a change.

Forget it, nobody's interested.

All the people like good news.

Yeah!

The Eerie man clones pig,

opens two-for-one rib restaurant.

That was good news. [CONRAD GRUNTS]

I thought you liked ribs. Don't be dissy.

We compete with 24 hour news channels

and every clown has a website.

Think of the news first. Our news has to grab people.

But... I pay you to write bad news because bad news grabs people.

So, change the kitten to a tiger, and make him eat the fireman, but first,

I need something bad enough to run an extra edition.

An extra?

Chief, newspapers don't publish extra editions anymore.

Write.

'Cause TV always scoops 'em, but not today.

We're running an extra at 6:00 p.m.

Too late for all those blue dyed palookas to be the steward.

So use your mule to think bad.

Real bad! [WICKEDLY] I know.

Okay, uh...

"Summer vacation canceled," that'll grab the young reader. Maybe "All vacations canceled."

TRIXIE: Are you nuts? Whose side are you on? Okay...

School bus sinks in the lake.

Been done.

An avalanche? This time of year?

SCOOP: Oh, man, am I hungry?

I could really go for a tuna melt. That's it!

That's a headline? Man bites tuna?

No, Mr. Pulitzer, a melt down.

At the Nuclear Plant? We've never done that.

SCOOP: Yeah.

I like it. Injuries? Gotta be.

Eight? Nah, eight is not a sad number.

Well, something with an "L" in it.

"L's" are sad. Like,

twelve. [QUIVERS SADLY]

Yeah, that's it, twelve.

I like eight.

Hey, you look impartial.

What's sadder?

[QUIVERING] Twelve, or...

[STERNLY] Eight?

Uh, I don't know, maybe...

eleven.

Not bad, thanks, buster, you got a nose for news.

Have you seen our walkie-talkie?

Look, we've got an extra edition to get out,

so, amscray, okay?

All right, okay.

Come on, Stan. But...

Smart couple eggs. Yeah.

Just like Conrad to steal their toy

and call it an upgrade of the phone system.

What? Hello?

What?

MR. CONRAD: Meteor...

crushes out of nowhere.

Meteor... smashes town.

Doesn't sing.

Mr. Conrad?

Hey, what part of "some tragic news story"

didn't you guys understand?

Out!

Asteroid...

obliterates... orphanage.

[RUMBLING]

Hey, check this out.

Why didn't Mr. Crawford tell us?

Well, it's in the paper. Must've happened earlier today.

Maybe he thought we already knew.

Yeah.

Let's go check it out.

MR. CRAWFORD: Oh, hi-ya, fellas.

Aren't these humdingers?

Didn't even order them.

Just arrived on my doorstep.

Straight off the plane. From Mexico?

Mexico?

No, these little puppies are from the Yukon.

Home of the pinata.

At least that's what the box says anyway.

What about the riot? What riot?

The riot in the paper.

So, there was no riot here?

No, and a riot's something I'd remember.

You see, the Enquirer does put stuff that's not true.

It was right there in black and white.

BOTH: And red all over.

I love that joke. Me too.

We got 'em.

[ALL SHRIEK]

[CHILDREN CHEERING AND SCREAMING]

[MEXICAN MUSIC PLAYING]

This is demented.

MITCHELL: No, it's a candy riot.

Just like the Enquirer said.

Lucky guess?

No, they make stuff up, write it down and it comes true.

This must be the late edition they were talking about.

Emil's reporters were working on an extra edition at 6 o'clock.

Meltdown at the Nuclear Plant, my mom's Nuclear Plant.

Excuse me.

Stop, ow!

MITCHELL: If things at the Eerie Enquirer ran true to form,

[PHONE RINGING] their extra edition would come off the presses at 6 o'clock.

And if it did, that meant the story they'd written

about my mom and her Nuclear Plant would come true.

Come on, answer the phone.

Please. [RINGING TONE]

[FEMALE VOICE] Hello, you've reached Mary Ann Taylor.

Eerie Nuclear Plant.

To report a strange things flow in the air, press one.

For two-headed animals, press two.

Shes not answering.

Hey, she took the phone off the hook, remember? We gotta get down there.

Stanley, without security clearance

my dad can't even get to the gate.

I'm not sure there's time.

Listen, we could try. And, call Dad and Carrie, too.

STANLEY: Wait, where you going?

The story can't come true if I stop the presses.

[PHONE RINGING]

MITCHELL: Somehow, I had to find out

how they did what they were doing at the Eerie Enquirer.

Save my mom and if there was time, cancel our subscription.

[PHONE RINGING]

I think eight's a sadder number.

Eight. Fate.

There's a sense of tragic destiny, you know?

[MITCHELL WHISTLES]

What are you doing here?

Uh, I'm... [STAMMERS]

I just wanted to "get your picture in the paper" contest.

Hmm.

Great.

We got just the ticket.

[SCREAMING]

SCOOP: Got it!

Sonny, you were great!

What's this all about, anyway? Oh, big meltdown at the Nuclear Plant.

It's too hot to get pictures, but this...

This is the hole that China left behind.

MITCHELL: You can't do that.

My mom works at that Nuclear Plant.

Gee, buster. That's, uh...

[DOOR SHUTS] Tough.

Look, I know you guys make up the news.

I don't know how you do it, but... Grab him!

You heard me, Scoop, grab him.

Where's the other one? He was buying stuffed cheese,

but I think he's lying to us.

Better make sure something bad,

but news-worthy happens to him and his friend as well.

[MITCHELL SHRIEKS] Bring him in here.

Let me go!

You can't go through with this. You can't do this to my mom!

Maybe we ought to rethink this meltdown.

Yeah, it could be a small one,

they could catch it just in time.

Sure, plant but close call angle.

Now listen, you two, when I took this paper over, it was sinking.

Bad news saved it.

So, think up an angle for the kid and his pal,

or you'll be looking for work at good news papers

that aren't there anymore.

Or do I have to put your names in the news?

Uh...

A roller coaster derailment?

Nah, too carnival-y.

Uh, skateboarding over a cliff.

Too much like the hole of China, come on.

Why couldn't they just get marooned on some nice, tropical island?

Yeah. You're a hopeless.

I'll do it myself.

MITCHELL: No! [GRUNTS] Look, I know you're the guy

who makes up all the bad news, and you can't do this!

Kid, I got no choice.

These days, the only way to be ahead of the game is to make up news nobody else has.

So, I type up "Eerie schoolboy loses piece of legs."

I hit Control, Alt, Reality.

And...

I can't feel my legs! I know.

People love human tragedy pieces. They eat 'em up.

Chef, you can't, he's just a kid.

Ah, relax. I'm just taking the bounce out of his pins

till we get the extra edition done.

That'll take care of them both.

SCOOP: "Eerie boys to visit Mir Space Station."

Hey, this is great!

We'll bury it on page six, so their folks won't notice it,

then we launch 'em in the early edition.

By the time they get back, we'll be outta this one horse town and into syndication.

Scoop, Trixie, give me a hand with the press room.

Guys, look, you gotta help me change that headline.

Please! No, we can't.

I'm sorry, it breaks my heart this is happening to ya. Really?

How many other people have you guys done this to?

Hey, we're right guys.

You're reading us all wrong. Am I?

To you it's just a story, but you're making it happen to real people.

People like me.

Hey! Ah...

MITCHELL: No matter how hard I try,

I couldn't reach that weird machine of theirs.

I felt completely helpless.

And if the clock was right, I had less than ten minutes

to prevent a disaster and save my mom.

[PHONE RINGING]

STANLEY: Mrs. Taylor!

Mitchell?

Stanley, what are you doing here?

Couldn't get a hold of anyone, come on.

We gotta go. No, can't move my legs.

Look, go over to that machine and type in "Mitchell Taylor regains use of legs."

What? You heard me.

That's the machine that makes up the news, now go.

Can't you type any faster?

I'm not your secretary.

Okay.

Okay, now hit Control, Alt, Reality.

Whoops, I typed in

"Mitchell Taylor regains use of eggs."

Well, fix it.

There.

Good. Gotta fix that nuclear meltdown story.

STANLEY: "Eerie mom averts Nuclear Disaster"?

You think it'll work?

Let's hope so.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello? Dad, hi.

Um, we were just wondering have you heard anything like an explosion recently?

An explosion?

Yeah, we heard something might've happened at mom's Nuclear Plant.

Oh, wow.

I'm sure we would've heard something by now, Mitchell.

In fact, if it had, we'd probably all be halfway to Jupiter by now.

ANNOUNCER: And, topping the news,

the Eerie Enquirer is reporting that a local mom

has averted a nuclear meltdown.

Hey, that's good news.

Where'd that come from?

Way to go, honey.

We did it!

Yes!

Yeah, but now what?

Who's to stop them from coming back and changing it?

You're right.

We still have to change the story about the Mir Space Station.

Why not leave it to a pro, kid?

You want a story that solves all our problems.

TRIXIE: Yeah, it's about time somebody wrote some good news around here.

Not while I'm editor, you don't.

Stan!

MR. CONRAD: Trixie, wait.

Boss, have I got a headline for you?

No, don't.

Hit it, Trixie. No, don't!

Stop the presses.

What happened? Where's Mr. Conrad?

You scooped him, buster.

He's yesterday's news.

MITCHELL: Things got back to normal pretty quickly.

The news still wasn't great,

but once in a while, a few good stories broke through.

"Mary Ann Taylor.

Best Performance by a Nuclear Plant employee in a supporting role."

Wow!

This is really somethin', honey.

[SIGHS] I still don't feel like I really even did anything.

You know, I didn't even know that button was there...

till I sat on it.

Aw, you're being too humble.

Atomic America doesn't give their revered two headed calf to just anybody.

CARRIE: The paper's here.

Looks like your 15 minutes are up, Mom.

Your picture's not on the front page today.

Oh, well...

Must be more good news.

EDWARD: Yeah, can't believe how much of it's been happening lately.

Taxes is going down.

I don't believe it.

"Dating causes pimples"?

This is gonna put my pop and glow stock through the roof.

And two reporters from Eerie win the lottery,

and they're buying up the newspaper.

Let's see that.

[LAUGHS] Thanks, Dad.

MITCHELL: Sometimes I think we're overrun with news.

Live, up to the minute,

late breaking, it's become an obsession.

[MITCHELL READING]

He's got an Eerie Technologies' walkie.

STANLEY: Pretty long string.

MITCHELL: If you ask me, Emil Conrad had the wrong idea.

If he really wanted to sell newspaper,

he didn't have to make up the news.

He could've just reported the weirdness that's already here.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

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