Original subtitles

MITCHELL: I do solemnly swear

that everything I am about to tell you is true.

A spill of weirdness from another dimension

turned my hometown into the center of weirdness

for the entire universe.

Don't believe me? Just watch.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

MITCHELL: I'll admit. I sometimes take things too seriously.

In a town like Eerie, you can never let your guard down.

Check it out.

MITCHELL: But I've got nothing against

having a good laugh. It's the bad laughs I don't like.

Bad laughs are the ones that hurt people.

They might seem funny but they're not.

NEWT: Hey, Taylor.

[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

Playing footsie with your little pal again, are you?

[LAUGHS]

NEWT: Pretty good, huh? He's our new insult specialist.

SPECIALIST: Oh, is it babysitting time again?

Nap time already, is it? My! [LAUGHS]

STANLEY: Why don't you shut your face.

BOTH: Ooh!

The pipsqueak squeaks.

Just ignore 'em, Stanley.

Don't wanna wet your diaper there, do yo?

Hey, what is this? Is this the new lame-o look?

Hey, leave him alone, all right?

Why don't you guys just crawl back under your hole or, uh, rock.

I mean, you're a bunch of duf-gufuses.

ALL: [LAUGHING] Duf-gufuses!

Duf-guf... [LAUGHS]

Your okay, bud?

[SCREAMS]

I was so mad, my tongue got all jammed up.

[WHISPERS] Call anytime. The first lesson is free.

[LAUGHS]

[STANLEY LAUGHS]

Who was that?

That, my friend is Howie "The Lip" Lipman.

He specializes in snappy comebacks. [LAUGHS]

Certified comic genius.

A comic genius? And he lives in Eerie?

Mm-hmm.

How good can he be?

MR. CRAWFORD: Oh, he loves it here. [LAUGHS]

Says, "Here is a non stop yup-fest."

Well, you'll never believe what he said. "The first lessons free." Get it?

STANLEY: [LAUGHS] I don't know. Maybe it was how he said it.

[LAUGHING] "The first lesson is free."

MITCHELL: Stanley and I both thought the guy was funny.

Only Stanley meant funny, "ha-ha" and I meant funny, "uh-oh."

As it turns out, we were both right.

STANLEY: I just wish I said, "Oh, yeah. Well, If I had a face like you I'd..."

You know, or, "Your so stupid you need a..."

Just something.

Stanley, let it go.

Everyone gets embarrassed sometimes. Mm-hmm.

Even me. I'm serious.

I can remember getting tortured alive back in grade two for...

STANLEY: What?

Well, I kinda got this...

This what?

Mole shaped like a duck.

A duck mole! Let me see.

Shush.

It's on my back.

My lower back.

My low, lower, lowest back.

Oh!

The point is, jerks are jerks. Just forget 'em, okay?

NEWT: Ma-ma-morning, buh-buh-baby duf-gufus.

SPECIALIST: "Baby dufgufus." Oh, my God.

[ALL LAUGHING]

MITCHELL: Stanley was determined to see if Howie "The Lip"

could help him get back at the Bad Apples.

I didn't like it but what could I do? Stanley was my best friend.

HOWIE: Ah-ha!

I am now the first man to make a guinea pig

do a triple conk with a one-eye fade away.

I put on the mask, capped the cage and he goes...

Mm-hmm. Uh, I'm here about the free lessons.

Don't tell me. You're a teen, right?

You're the sane one. Oh! The straight man.

You're good! I like that serious bit you're doing.

I'm not doing anything.

Yeah, good!

Oh, you crack me up.

Wait. I remember.

Mr. Duf-gufus.

My name is Stanley. And I didn't come here to get insulted.

Oh, where do you usually go?

[TAPPING AND LAUGHING]

Old joke. I wrote that when I was about your age.

Smartmouth Martin paid me two bucks for it.

Smartmouth Martin? My mom has one of his records. You knew him?

Knew him? [LAUGHS] I made him.

I gave him the best jokes in the Biz.

When he left me I found other partners.

More talented.

Chucky Mason, Nutty Buddy. I built the careers of everybody on this wall.

Uh, they owe me everything.

Wow! Freddie "The Head-case" Foster.

I loved him in Head-case Denturo: Wacky Dentist.

HOWIE: Listen, kid. Headcase would've been nothing without me.

He would've got nowhere without my help.

Nowhere. Do you understand?

Um, Stanley, I think we better go.

No way. I need a snappy comeback.

Yeah, but... HOWIE: Hey.

Listen, Mr. Serious,

I think your friend here can make up his own mind.

Yeah, yeah. And I'm staying.

Yeah. Take a hike, kid.

MITCHELL: Huh? Ow! What? HOWIE: Yeah. Right, right. When you get work.

So you think you can, like, write me a funny line?

Write you a funny line? Kid.

Comedy isn't lines. It's [BANG] timing.

Now, tell me joke. Make me laugh. Go on.

Um, well, I don't actually, you know, do...

Oh, I know. Knock, knock.

HOWIE: [LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY] I think you've just the kind of talent I'm looking for.

What kind is that?

Absolutely none.

You see, I intend to prove through my advanced comedy method

that I can turn absolutely anybody funny.

Lesson number one. Ow! Rhythm.

Now, comedy is all about

[SLIDING NOISE] beats. Now,

follow the fowl. Ta-da, ta-da, ta-da-di, pause,

dum, ta-da, ta-dum.

Ta-da, ta-dum-beh. Now, your turn.

MITCHELL: Howie "The Lip" was a lot of things, weird, wacko, scary,

but I definitely did not find him funny.

MRS. TAYLOR: Wiener, W-I-E-N-E-R.

Plus a double word score.

[GRUNTS]

MITCHELL: Mom, Dad.

Have you guys ever heard of a comedian named Smartmouth Martin?

"Smartmouth Martin"?

BOTH: [IN COMICAL VOICE] Are you kidding?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

EDWARD: Thats pretty good.

What about Chucky Mason?

BOTH: [IN COMICAL VOICE] Hey, man, what's your problem?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

All right. Uh, what about Freddie...

CARRIE: Freddie "The Head-case" Foster? How do you spell funny?

BOTH: [IN COMICAL VOICE] F-U, double "N", wah, wah, wah, "Y"!

[SPITTING SOUND]

Jeez, Mitchell, even you'd know that one

if you didn't have your head stuck in weirdo-land all the time.

EDWARD: Hey, son, listen. You need some jokes?

I got a good joke for you, okay? There's a rabbit,

this monkey and this potato farmer. All decide to go into business.

Dad, no.

Well, it's a good joke. Yeah, I know but it's just...

I met this really weird guy today who claimed he was partners with all three of 'em.

Well, Smartmouth Martin never had a partner. And neither did Chucky.

Oh, wait. There was that one guys for a while.

MRS. TAYLOR: Yeah, but he never said anything.

I think he was just Freddie's agent or something.

Yeah, he was a nobody.

STANLEY: So the old man says, "Paint my house." right?

[CHUCKLES] Right, I get it.

Stanley? Who are you talking to?

No one. I'm cramming.

Howie is talking me through some variations.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER FROM EAR PIECE]

Maybe if you took your head out of your armpit once in a while, you'd learn something.

What?

Just practicing.

He can hear us?

We're in constant two-way communication.

Mitchell, I'm really gonna nail those guys.

Stanley, we need to talk in private. Can you turn Howie off?

No way, Jose.

Howie's my silent partner.

I know. But I think he's bad news.

[DOOR OPENS]

STANLEY: Ah, there they are. It's show time.

Code brown, code brown, check.

I'll do the talkin'.

NEWT: Well, well.

If it isn't baby dufgufus himself.

STANLEY: I was wrong to call you that, Newt.

I didn't know you were just a plain, ordinary, run of the mill jerk.

[PEOPLE LAUGHING]

Hey, watch your mouth, squirts.

Watch my mouth, squirt?

Huh, you know what? It's more fun watching that peanut brain

of yours squirm in that fat head.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Hey, how would you like a five finger sandwich, huh? [CHUCKLES]

Nah, I'm on a strict diet. I'm trying to cut back on idiot.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Hey, since when does doggie doo come in such a tinny package there, huh?

I don't know.

We're stacking it in five feet tall,

putting a jacket on it and telling it to talk.

[BLOWING A RASPBERRY] Well, that's something new.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Yeah, well. You just...

[STAMMERS]

[ALL CHEERING AND CLAPPING]

That felt exhilarating!

MITCHELL: Maybe I should've been happy for Stanley.

But when I looked in his eyes I saw something new.

Something mean and hungry.

It was growing.

[PEOPLE LAUGHING]

MITCHELL: In a few short days the jokes took over. No one could resist.

Howie's influence was transforming Stanley like a strange, powerful force.

So I said, "It's a gland?"

[ALL LAUGHING]

MITCHELL: Stanley and I never hung out any more.

He was too busy with Howie's lessons and his public.

My name is Stanley. I'll be here all week so bike safely.

Stan... Stanley, we need to talk.

Sorry, Mich-mister, I gotta run.

Let's get together sometime. Maybe do lunch.

Oh, I forgot. Your boring. [CHUCKLES] Just kidding.

Anyway, catch you later. Howie says I'm ready for the next level.

MITCHELL: If this was only the first level, I hated to think what the next might be.

Howie took credit for everything that happened to his partners.

So I decided to check The Who is Who of Ha-ha

to find out what really happened to them.

It wasn't pretty.

Howie's old partners had all suffered from a syndrome called Lipman's Curse.

Meaning they all went crazy.

Smartmouth Martin ended up in an institution.

Chucky Mason blew up a comedy club in California.

And as for Nutty Buddy, even The Who is Who of Ha-ha

said his fate was too horrible to reveal.

The only one who escaped was Freddie "The Head-case" Foster.

He ran off stage one night and vanished. Never to be seen again.

I knew if I didn't act fast

Stanley would soon be laughing all the way to a drool-soaked straight jacket

in a padded cell.

I had to find some way to save him.

STANLEY: All right, top three things to like about vice principal Sawyer.

Number three. If he gets any balder, he'll be parting his hair from below his ear.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Number two. His nose hair matches his mustache.

[ALL LAUGHING]

And number one thing to like about vice principal Sawyer,

the more he smokes, the sooner he will die.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Sta-Sta Stanley, I need to talk to you now. It's important

STANLEY: Talk to me.

Fairville High called. They wanna book you for their assembly.

Pass. What else?

But the principal himself asked.

[SIGHS] Look, clean out your ears or clean out your locker.

What else? I said, "No!"

Stanley, it's important.

Mitchell, can it!

I'm trying to work here.

Excuse me. Stanley, listen to me.

Now, I know it's not you saying those cruel things but you've got to get

away from Howie before it's too late.

Howie's a genius, okay?

And if brains were doughnuts, all you'll have is the hole. [ALL LAUGHING]

Stanley, snap out of it. You're letting Howie scramble your brains.

Where's your earpiece?

Don't need it, babe. I've advanced on to the next level.

Howie says I'm starting to think funny.

Before long, I can be his real partner.

Stanley, you can't. All his old partners...

Look, I can't let you do this.

You hear this everybody.

My old pal is upset because I'm funny and he's not!

Well, I think he's hilarious.

Especially the stupid look on his face.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Hey, don't turn your back on me. I'm not done laughing yet.

And speaking of Mitchell's back. [LAUGHS]

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

Mitchell, wait.

Don't go away mad, just go away.

MITCHELL: I seem to be the only one who saw

how desperate the situation was becoming.

My only choice was to go over Stanley's head and talk to the guy in charge.

[RATTLING NOISE]

Ah, Dead-pen boy. Come in.

HOWIE: Most people think that comedy is about the unexpected.

[SINGS] Wrong! Comedy fulfills expectations.

[RATTLING NOISE]

[GRUNTS] The rest is simply...

Timing?

[SQUEAKING NOISE]

Hit 5.9! Excellent. This pig now knows funny.

What do you want with Stanley? I mean, he's just a kid. He doesn't have any money.

Stanley's mind is open, fresh.

It was. Now he's just a sarcastic jerk.

Oh, insults are only the first stage.

As his mind develops,

he will become my voice.

The voice of my true genius.

He will deliver the comedy of the future.

Would you like to see the future?

Prepare yourself.

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

MITCHELL: And then I noticed a photo of Freddie.

And the more I looked at him, the more he looked familiar.

HOWIE: Ho! Here we go.

Where's the stack of wallets and my bank cards? [LAUGHS]

Oh. Zero, one, one, zero, zero, one.

[LAUGHS] What...

Hey! In 2035,

you'll laugh so hard you'll extrude something.

MITCHELL: Mr. Crawford, have you seen Bob the janitor?

Over there. Comes in everyday around the same time

for a solitary root beer.

There's a tragic story there, my friend.

[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]

MITCHELL: That's you, isn't it?

I'm Bob, the janitor.

This is some other guy.

Please, Mr. Headcase. I need your help.

Howie "The Lip" is taking over my best friend's brain

and he's turning him into the insult king of Eerie.

MITCHELL: It's you. I know it's you.

How do you spell funny?

[COMICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

F-U, double "N", wah, wah, wah, "Y!"

All right. You got me.

No. No, don't smile.

Whatever you do, don't laugh.

Why would I laugh?

I might say something funny.

Okay, it won't happen again. I promise.

Okay.

What do you want?

I wanna know Howie's secret.

How he did what he did to you?

[CHUCKLES AND MUMBLES] What he did to me?

Howie got me hooked on laughs.

I'd say anything for a giggle.

Until finally, I told one joke too many.

What do you mean?

I insulted the only person who ever cared about me.

It was so vicious it...

I finally got my life together in time.

Swore off the laughs.

Learned how to bore people.

How do I get my friend back to normal?

Well that, that won't be easy.

You know, once they get those joke rhythms under their skin,

they'll say anything to draw a funny blood.

Howie, he supplies the jokes.

Jokes bring the laughs.

There's only one way to stop it.

Tell me.

If someone else

gets the laughs first.

[SNICKERS]

MITCHELL: I don't know what was scarier.

Freddie's plan or the way he was looking at me.

[PEOPLE LAUGHING]

STANLEY: Oh, oh. Thank you, thank you, thank you all. You're too kind. Really.

What's your name?

Shaana.

Sauna. I prefer a hot tub myself but you know, Sauna,

if you took off those glasses,

put your hair up. You'd look exactly like

a squirrel caught in a drain pipe.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[SHAANA CRYING]

MITCHELL: You stink!

ALL: Ooh!

Do you mind? I'm doing a show.

MITCHELL: A show? With those lame jokes? Sounds more like a show and smell to me.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[DRUM ROLL]

STANLEY: Ah, my old bud, Mich "Spooky Stuff" Taylor.

So tell me, Mich, did you grow a sense of humor over night?

[ALL LAUGHING]

Worked for you, didn't it?

I guess you just used more fertilizer, that must be why your act stinks.

[ALL LAUGHING]

STANLEY: Yeah? You think you're so smart, if brains were doughnuts

all you'd have is the hole.

[DRUM ROLL]

[DISAPPOINTED CHATTER]

MITCHELL: Jee, that was funny the first five times you used it.

I guess your brains are going stale.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Um... Uh, uh, the circus called.

They want their geek outfit back.

Tell them they can have it as soon as I pry it off of you.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Psst. Go for the jugular.

Make it personal. [SNICKERS]

Do the duck. [LAUGHS]

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

The duck would kill him. [LAUGHS] Do the duck.

ALL: [CHANTING] Go for the duck. Go for the duck.

Go for the duck. Go for the duck.

Go for the duck. Go for the duck. Go for the duck.

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

[ALL STILL CHANTING]

Don't forget who's the driver of your scurvy train.

I am the genius, you are the mouthpiece

Now, go for the duck bit. Do it!

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

No.

It'd be a bad laugh.

I'd look like a dufgufus.

[PUFFS]

What can I say? I'm sorry for being a zombie jerk.

It happens. Especially in Eerie.

Lucky for me. I had some help.

HOWIE: Hey! You're nothing without me, kid.

Nothing. All you kids are laughing at my stuff. That's all mine.

HOWIE: Mine. Hey, hey. Wait, wait. Check it out. Check it out.

Principal Meese.

[MIMICS WHIMPERING NOISE]

Principal Meese is so dumb, he thinks Dr. Martens is a psychiatrist.

[HOWIE LAUGHS MANICALLY]

Man, that is really sad.

HOWIE: Turn around, you in the back! [BLOWING A RASPBERRY]

That's what I think of your attention span.

[YELPS AND SCREAMS]

[ALL LAUGHING]

[WHIMPERING]

[GRUNTING AND SCREAMING]

[SCREAMS]

[GRUNTS]

[COMICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[ALL LAUGHING]

Now that's funny.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[COMICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[LAUGHTER]

Hey, hey. Come on in! Ow!

I guess all he wanted was to make people laugh.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah. Now he's reaching an audience of dozens.

[LAUGHS]

MITCHELL: I never understood why they say, "He who laughs last, laughs best."

The best laugh isn't first or last,

it's when you and your best friend are laughing together.

Like the man said, "It's all about... timing."

[HOWIE LAUGHING ON THE TV]

[HOWIE LAUGHING]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

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