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MITCHELL: I do solemnly swear
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00:00:03,285 --> 00:00:03,993
that everything I am
about to tell you is true.
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00:00:03,994 --> 00:00:07,414
A spill of weirdness
from another dimension
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00:00:07,417 --> 00:00:09,375
turned my hometown into
the center of weirdness
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00:00:09,377 --> 00:00:10,587
for the entire universe.
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00:00:10,629 --> 00:00:12,069
Don't believe me? Just watch.
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00:00:15,720 --> 00:00:17,972
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
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00:00:31,185 --> 00:00:34,078
[MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
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00:00:34,081 --> 00:00:35,249
WOMAN ON TV: Stag...
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00:00:36,876 --> 00:00:39,837
You, of all people,
shouldn't be here.
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00:00:41,168 --> 00:00:42,925
Lucy, listen to me.
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00:00:42,927 --> 00:00:47,682
I'm where we both know
I must be, here, there,
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00:00:47,725 --> 00:00:49,018
over there,
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00:00:49,061 --> 00:00:50,521
even way over there...
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00:00:50,807 --> 00:00:52,898
But wherever you are.
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00:00:52,900 --> 00:00:56,404
MITCHELL: Soap operas
used to have just one thing going for them.
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00:00:56,406 --> 00:00:57,196
They were on in the day time,
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00:00:57,198 --> 00:00:58,198
when normal people
were doing regular stuff.
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00:00:58,199 --> 00:01:03,079
Then my sister, Carrie,
figured out how to program the VCR.
20
00:01:03,123 --> 00:01:05,166
Suddenly all hours
of the day and night
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00:01:05,209 --> 00:01:07,712
were filled with the trials
and tribulations of...
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00:01:07,755 --> 00:01:09,632
The Beguiling and the Base.
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00:01:09,674 --> 00:01:11,259
Dinner's on in five, everyone.
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00:01:11,261 --> 00:01:13,011
Mom, is it not your
duty as a mother
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00:01:13,013 --> 00:01:14,596
to wrest control
of our television
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00:01:14,598 --> 00:01:16,851
from those who'd
rot our minds?
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00:01:16,853 --> 00:01:19,020
And those whose minds have
already been rotted?
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00:01:19,022 --> 00:01:20,982
Shh. This is a good part.
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00:01:20,984 --> 00:01:22,025
When was the last time
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00:01:22,026 --> 00:01:26,739
your husband gave you
the support a woman like you needs?
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00:01:26,783 --> 00:01:30,412
LUCY: It has been hours.
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00:01:31,749 --> 00:01:33,917
Oh, Stag...
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Complete me.
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00:01:35,588 --> 00:01:37,173
Culminate me.
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00:01:41,513 --> 00:01:43,182
[PHONE RINGING]
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00:01:45,143 --> 00:01:46,519
Hello?
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00:01:46,562 --> 00:01:49,092
Is that not the stupidest
thing you've ever seen?
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00:01:49,274 --> 00:01:50,359
Mom?
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00:01:50,401 --> 00:01:51,486
CARRIE: I did?
40
00:01:51,527 --> 00:01:53,154
Mom!
CARRIE: Really?
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00:01:53,197 --> 00:01:55,324
Oh...
CARRIE: When?
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00:01:55,367 --> 00:01:58,995
It was kind of romantic,
wasn't it?
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00:01:59,039 --> 00:02:02,417
[SQUEALS] This is so
far beyond cool!
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00:02:02,461 --> 00:02:05,839
Coolest, out of sight. Oh!
45
00:02:05,882 --> 00:02:09,177
My name just got picked in
the take-home-Stag draw.
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00:02:09,221 --> 00:02:11,556
Is that like take-home
Chinese food?
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00:02:11,599 --> 00:02:13,393
No, you don't understand.
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00:02:13,435 --> 00:02:15,938
Stag Carnalli is
coming to Eerie.
49
00:02:15,980 --> 00:02:17,064
Oh!
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00:02:17,065 --> 00:02:20,401
MITCHELL: I used to think
soap operas were stupid, but pretty harmless,
51
00:02:20,404 --> 00:02:23,115
sort of like pink candy floss
for the brain.
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00:02:23,157 --> 00:02:25,868
But that was before
Stag Carnalli came to town.
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00:02:30,752 --> 00:02:32,045
Something burning?
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00:02:32,588 --> 00:02:33,673
[YELLS]
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00:02:35,884 --> 00:02:37,553
Edward.
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00:02:37,595 --> 00:02:39,973
I know. I know.
I said I was gonna fix it.
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00:02:42,770 --> 00:02:45,231
We can do without toast
for another day,
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00:02:46,567 --> 00:02:48,819
but we miss you.
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00:02:48,863 --> 00:02:49,947
[DOORBELL RINGING]
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00:02:49,989 --> 00:02:51,115
CARRIE: I'll get it.
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00:02:51,158 --> 00:02:52,909
When I'm done with
these mid terms...
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00:02:52,951 --> 00:02:55,370
What? You'll
make it up to me?
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00:02:55,373 --> 00:02:56,706
EDWARD: Oh, yeah.
[CHUCKLES]
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00:02:56,707 --> 00:02:58,083
Mom, Dad.
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00:02:58,126 --> 00:02:59,252
Please.
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00:02:59,253 --> 00:03:00,586
There are children present.
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00:03:00,588 --> 00:03:02,298
Uh, morning, Professor Taylor.
68
00:03:02,340 --> 00:03:03,717
Morning, Mrs. Taylor.
69
00:03:03,759 --> 00:03:05,428
Hey, Lucy.
Oh, yes, hi.
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00:03:05,470 --> 00:03:08,306
Um, I got the lab reports
graded, sir,
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00:03:08,349 --> 00:03:12,312
and, um, I was thinking
that I could help you today, with the exams.
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00:03:12,315 --> 00:03:14,815
Where would I be without
my teaching assistant?
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00:03:14,817 --> 00:03:17,195
MRS. TAYLOR: Away from home
even more.
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00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:19,739
Now, you hurry up with
those exams and come home soon.
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00:03:19,741 --> 00:03:20,867
Okay.
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00:03:23,663 --> 00:03:25,040
Have a good day, honey.
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00:03:25,082 --> 00:03:26,459
You can count on that.
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00:03:26,501 --> 00:03:27,835
Stag Day, Dad.
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00:03:27,878 --> 00:03:29,463
Gotta keep up with these stuff.
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00:03:29,506 --> 00:03:30,965
Hmm, Stag Day, huh?
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00:03:30,966 --> 00:03:32,424
Go team.
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00:03:32,426 --> 00:03:35,304
MITCHELL: Life in Eerie
had made me something of
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00:03:35,348 --> 00:03:37,683
a connoisseur of
freaks and oddities.
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00:03:37,685 --> 00:03:40,019
If Stag Carnalli was
coming to the World O'Stuff,
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00:03:40,021 --> 00:03:42,431
Stanley and me were gonna
have front-row seats.
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00:03:43,275 --> 00:03:45,152
[CROWD CHATTERING]
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00:03:45,195 --> 00:03:46,821
Stand back. Police.
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00:03:46,864 --> 00:03:49,992
Form an orderly group,
Do not make me use force.
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00:03:50,036 --> 00:03:54,499
I repeat, do not
make me use force.
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00:03:54,502 --> 00:03:56,210
MR. CRAWFORD:
Ladies and gentlemen,
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00:03:56,211 --> 00:03:58,922
friends, romance-lovers,
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00:03:58,966 --> 00:04:01,426
it is my great pleasure
this time
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00:04:01,469 --> 00:04:05,848
to introduce Eerie to the star
of The Beguiling and the Base,
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00:04:06,393 --> 00:04:08,770
Stag Carnalli.
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00:04:08,813 --> 00:04:10,064
[GIRLS SQUEALING]
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00:04:12,569 --> 00:04:15,459
Hope all these people are ready
for a big disappointment.
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00:04:16,642 --> 00:04:19,535
[MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
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00:04:19,538 --> 00:04:20,747
Hello, everyone.
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00:04:20,789 --> 00:04:22,583
It's great to be
back in Eerie,
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00:04:22,625 --> 00:04:24,335
for the very first time.
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00:04:24,378 --> 00:04:26,171
GIRL: We love you, Stag.
102
00:04:27,382 --> 00:04:30,010
And I love each and
every one of you
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00:04:30,053 --> 00:04:31,555
so very much.
104
00:04:31,976 --> 00:04:38,227
I suppose this must be
the lovely young woman who brought me here.
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00:04:38,231 --> 00:04:39,524
Carrie Taylor.
106
00:04:39,567 --> 00:04:40,776
Carrie.
107
00:04:40,819 --> 00:04:42,279
I knew you'd be beautiful...
108
00:04:44,532 --> 00:04:46,117
I knew you'd be beautiful,
109
00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:48,412
but I never knew you'd
have those eyes.
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00:04:48,455 --> 00:04:50,665
[GIRLS GASPING AND SQUEALING]
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00:04:50,708 --> 00:04:53,169
I knew this would be bad,
but this is disgusting.
112
00:04:53,211 --> 00:04:56,298
And now, if everyone
wants to form a single line,
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Mr. Carnalli... Stag,
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00:04:59,387 --> 00:05:01,264
has agreed to sign autographs.
115
00:05:01,307 --> 00:05:02,892
Come on, Stanley.
116
00:05:02,934 --> 00:05:05,812
We'll get a closer look
at this guy.
117
00:05:05,814 --> 00:05:08,732
Actually had an unpleasant
confrontation on my way here.
118
00:05:08,735 --> 00:05:10,945
A pair of evil twins,
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00:05:10,988 --> 00:05:12,823
ones I thought
I had left behind.
120
00:05:12,866 --> 00:05:14,326
I can't wait to get you home
121
00:05:14,369 --> 00:05:16,954
so that I can really
take care of you.
122
00:05:16,997 --> 00:05:19,647
You're not seriously
taking this guy home, are you?
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00:05:20,377 --> 00:05:23,630
Stag, this is
my brother, Mitchell,
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00:05:23,674 --> 00:05:26,134
and his midget friend, Stanley.
125
00:05:26,177 --> 00:05:27,437
Is that really your hair?
126
00:05:28,472 --> 00:05:29,807
[LAUGHS]
127
00:05:31,268 --> 00:05:32,728
Of course it is, son.
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00:05:32,729 --> 00:05:36,272
Let's not keep these
autograph-seekers waiting.
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00:05:36,275 --> 00:05:37,819
Shall we?
130
00:05:37,821 --> 00:05:40,113
GIRL: He's coming, he's coming,
you guys, he's coming.
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00:05:40,115 --> 00:05:41,491
You okay, Stanley?
132
00:05:41,533 --> 00:05:43,284
Yeah, it's just...
133
00:05:44,579 --> 00:05:46,581
It's just, she's
too good for him.
134
00:05:46,624 --> 00:05:48,793
[MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
135
00:05:48,836 --> 00:05:51,463
Hello? Stanley?
Snap out of it.
136
00:05:51,506 --> 00:05:52,716
What?
137
00:05:52,758 --> 00:05:54,051
Where am I?
138
00:05:54,093 --> 00:05:55,803
What was I doing?
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00:05:55,846 --> 00:05:58,390
Carrie, I can't tell you
how rare it is
140
00:05:58,433 --> 00:06:02,520
to find someone
who understands my pain, and my confusion.
141
00:06:02,564 --> 00:06:04,816
My life has not been
free of calamity either.
142
00:06:06,111 --> 00:06:07,571
Listen, it's not about you.
143
00:06:07,613 --> 00:06:09,115
I...
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00:06:09,158 --> 00:06:10,701
I don't fit in here.
145
00:06:10,702 --> 00:06:13,286
I've thought some feelings
that no one understands.
146
00:06:13,288 --> 00:06:15,623
Let me be your guide.
147
00:06:15,626 --> 00:06:18,919
MITCHELL: Things were taking a plot
twist even the soaps wouldn't touch.
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00:06:18,921 --> 00:06:21,256
My sister was no longer
just watching the soaps,
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00:06:21,258 --> 00:06:22,509
she was living them.
150
00:06:22,511 --> 00:06:23,594
She wouldn't listen to me,
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00:06:23,595 --> 00:06:26,638
so our only hope lay in
the level-headed sanity of my parents.
152
00:06:26,641 --> 00:06:28,018
Mom, it's about Carrie.
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00:06:28,936 --> 00:06:30,146
Surprise!
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00:06:30,188 --> 00:06:31,689
Mom,
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00:06:31,732 --> 00:06:34,610
this is Stag Carnalli.
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00:06:35,154 --> 00:06:37,114
Stag, Mom.
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00:06:37,949 --> 00:06:39,826
Well, there it is.
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00:06:39,869 --> 00:06:41,370
I suppose it had to be,
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00:06:41,372 --> 00:06:42,872
that such a lovely
young woman
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00:06:42,874 --> 00:06:44,744
would have to have
such a beautiful,
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00:06:44,751 --> 00:06:46,085
beautiful mother.
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00:06:48,298 --> 00:06:50,091
[MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
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00:06:50,134 --> 00:06:53,513
I wanna thank you for
inviting me into your wonderful home.
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00:06:53,556 --> 00:06:56,726
Being close to this
terrific family has...
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00:06:58,814 --> 00:07:00,607
Has special meaning to me.
166
00:07:01,944 --> 00:07:03,654
He never had
a home of his own.
167
00:07:03,655 --> 00:07:04,862
Oh.
168
00:07:04,864 --> 00:07:07,909
My real parents were killed
just before I was born.
169
00:07:10,373 --> 00:07:12,667
After. That would be
just "after" I was born.
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00:07:12,709 --> 00:07:14,628
An incident involving
a camel...
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00:07:14,671 --> 00:07:18,216
Anyway, I've always longed
to experience a real family.
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00:07:19,344 --> 00:07:20,762
Yearned.
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00:07:20,804 --> 00:07:23,765
Oh, well, you'll have to stay.
174
00:07:23,809 --> 00:07:26,687
We'd be happy to have you.
175
00:07:27,940 --> 00:07:30,276
I accept your offer,
Mrs. Taylor.
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00:07:30,318 --> 00:07:31,778
MRS. TAYLOR: Oh, please,
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00:07:32,196 --> 00:07:33,447
Mary Ann.
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00:07:33,448 --> 00:07:34,573
Mary Ann.
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00:07:34,575 --> 00:07:38,036
Good thing Mr. Crawford never
changes his magazines.
180
00:07:38,080 --> 00:07:40,583
Some of these go
all the way back to '75.
181
00:07:40,625 --> 00:07:43,253
This guy has romanced
and abandoned 73 women.
182
00:07:43,255 --> 00:07:44,129
All of them, married.
183
00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:47,217
Stanley, I think this guy
is setting up my mom for number 74.
184
00:07:47,260 --> 00:07:49,846
Thank goodness Carrie's safe.
185
00:07:49,848 --> 00:07:50,638
You're missing the point.
186
00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:53,476
Somewhere along the line,
The Beguiling and the Base
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00:07:53,519 --> 00:07:55,187
started seeping into reality.
188
00:07:55,189 --> 00:07:56,022
See, in the older magazines,
189
00:07:56,023 --> 00:08:00,068
they talk about an actor
named Sidney Dumptruck, who plays Stag.
190
00:08:00,112 --> 00:08:03,902
But as you go on, they stop
referring to Dumptruck, and just call him "Stag."
191
00:08:03,910 --> 00:08:05,161
Like he's a real person?
192
00:08:05,203 --> 00:08:06,997
Listen to this.
193
00:08:07,039 --> 00:08:10,167
"As with everything,
Stag Carnalli steals a wife in style.
194
00:08:10,170 --> 00:08:12,545
"He shares a cranberry soda
and a slap on the back
195
00:08:12,547 --> 00:08:14,465
"with the husband of
the intended victim,
196
00:08:14,467 --> 00:08:17,510
leaving the poor sap
to believe that Stag is his best friend."
197
00:08:17,512 --> 00:08:19,597
Don't any of these husbands
try to stop him?
198
00:08:19,599 --> 00:08:22,309
In here it says that
the last three guys who got in Stag's way
199
00:08:22,312 --> 00:08:25,814
wound up getting bopped on the head
and shipped off in a slow boat to Shanghai.
200
00:08:25,816 --> 00:08:27,233
Let's get one thing straight.
201
00:08:27,235 --> 00:08:29,029
This guy's not
Stag Carnalli.
202
00:08:29,072 --> 00:08:31,199
He's just an actor.
203
00:08:31,201 --> 00:08:33,868
An actor who's turning my house into
a three ring 'round the clock soap opera.
204
00:08:33,870 --> 00:08:35,372
We have to do something.
205
00:08:35,374 --> 00:08:36,873
MAN: The time when we're apart,
206
00:08:36,875 --> 00:08:39,169
I call up these moments.
207
00:08:39,171 --> 00:08:39,795
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
208
00:08:39,796 --> 00:08:43,716
I savor this special
relationship we share.
209
00:08:45,136 --> 00:08:46,888
[SIGHS AND GIGGLES]
210
00:08:46,931 --> 00:08:48,432
Claude.
211
00:08:48,475 --> 00:08:51,728
CLAUDE: That'll be
three dollars for the cat food.
212
00:08:52,690 --> 00:08:55,859
The litter will be in on...
213
00:08:55,903 --> 00:08:57,488
Shall we say...
214
00:08:57,864 --> 00:09:00,367
Tuesday.
215
00:09:00,369 --> 00:09:03,203
MITCHELL: I didn't know
what madness was infecting my family,
216
00:09:03,205 --> 00:09:04,832
but it was clearly spreading.
217
00:09:04,874 --> 00:09:07,961
With my mom now firmly
in Stag's overacting clutches,
218
00:09:07,963 --> 00:09:09,796
there was only one member
of the family
219
00:09:09,798 --> 00:09:12,551
who I knew could be trusted
to keep a level head.
220
00:09:12,594 --> 00:09:14,284
Dad, thank goodness
you're home.
221
00:09:14,848 --> 00:09:16,182
Where's mom?
222
00:09:16,224 --> 00:09:18,643
She's in the kitchen
with Stag and your sister.
223
00:09:18,686 --> 00:09:20,104
You met him?
Oh, yeah.
224
00:09:20,147 --> 00:09:21,648
He was a nice guy.
225
00:09:21,691 --> 00:09:23,484
Made me this.
226
00:09:23,527 --> 00:09:26,780
I'm not much of
a cranberry drinker, but the thought was nice.
227
00:09:26,782 --> 00:09:29,616
Dad, he does that to
everyone whose wife he's trying to steal.
228
00:09:29,619 --> 00:09:30,829
[LAUGHTER]
229
00:09:30,871 --> 00:09:32,289
EDWARD: Stag?
230
00:09:32,331 --> 00:09:34,250
Steal you mother away?
231
00:09:34,293 --> 00:09:35,711
That's absurd.
232
00:09:35,712 --> 00:09:38,004
MITCHELL: Trust me,
this guy's a home wrecker.
233
00:09:38,007 --> 00:09:40,133
EDWARD: Home wrecker?
Mitchell, be serious.
234
00:09:40,135 --> 00:09:43,096
He romances married women
and then abandons them.
235
00:09:43,139 --> 00:09:45,849
Anybody who tries
to get in his way ends up in Shanghai.
236
00:09:45,851 --> 00:09:49,062
I'm sure you mother
can take care of herself.
237
00:09:49,065 --> 00:09:51,609
No, he's got this power.
Oh, yeah.
238
00:09:51,651 --> 00:09:53,221
Dad, you've got
to believe me!
239
00:09:53,571 --> 00:09:54,739
Stag?
240
00:09:54,782 --> 00:09:55,866
Yes.
241
00:09:55,908 --> 00:09:57,076
Are you all right?
242
00:09:57,118 --> 00:09:58,912
Oh, yes, yes, I'm fine.
243
00:09:58,953 --> 00:10:00,288
It's nothing. It's...
244
00:10:00,290 --> 00:10:01,748
[MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
245
00:10:01,750 --> 00:10:02,876
It's a lost love.
246
00:10:03,544 --> 00:10:05,088
A painful memory.
247
00:10:06,340 --> 00:10:07,674
A sacrifice.
248
00:10:11,138 --> 00:10:13,182
EDWARD: I think
your grip on reality
249
00:10:13,225 --> 00:10:16,228
grows weaker with each
passing day, Mitchell.
250
00:10:16,231 --> 00:10:18,481
Couple of nights on
the couch won't hurt you.
251
00:10:18,483 --> 00:10:19,316
You're giving him my room?
252
00:10:19,317 --> 00:10:23,571
At your age, Stag slept
on the dirt floor of an appellation shack.
253
00:10:23,615 --> 00:10:26,993
MRS. TAYLOR: As he dreamed of
driving Formula One automobiles
254
00:10:27,037 --> 00:10:28,831
and starting
the high tech firm
255
00:10:28,873 --> 00:10:31,126
that would make him
his first million.
256
00:10:31,168 --> 00:10:33,003
Igor.
257
00:10:33,046 --> 00:10:35,090
I have another package for you.
258
00:10:36,092 --> 00:10:37,510
That's right.
259
00:10:37,553 --> 00:10:39,930
Express to Shanghai.
260
00:10:39,932 --> 00:10:41,473
[DRAMATIC ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]
261
00:10:41,475 --> 00:10:43,185
Won't you people
listen to me?
262
00:10:43,186 --> 00:10:45,979
He doesn't drive race cars,
and he didn't create anything.
263
00:10:45,982 --> 00:10:47,817
He's an actor.
264
00:10:47,819 --> 00:10:50,236
And don't you think there's
something funny about all this organ music?
265
00:10:50,238 --> 00:10:52,240
I mean, we don't even
own an organ.
266
00:10:52,283 --> 00:10:53,784
Hey ho, everyone.
267
00:10:53,827 --> 00:10:54,995
[CHUCKLES]
268
00:10:55,036 --> 00:10:56,788
Edward, ol' buddy.
269
00:10:56,790 --> 00:10:57,581
[CHUCKLES] Hey.
270
00:10:57,582 --> 00:11:00,835
How about another refreshing
non-alcoholic beverage, huh?
271
00:11:00,879 --> 00:11:02,964
I don't mind if I do.
272
00:11:03,007 --> 00:11:04,175
STAG: There you are.
273
00:11:04,216 --> 00:11:05,718
All right.
Cheers.
274
00:11:06,762 --> 00:11:09,432
Oh! Sorry there, bud.
275
00:11:09,474 --> 00:11:10,726
[LAUGHING]
276
00:11:16,109 --> 00:11:17,694
[DOORBELL RINGING]
277
00:11:17,737 --> 00:11:18,905
I'll get it.
278
00:11:22,285 --> 00:11:23,578
Oh, hi, Lucy.
279
00:11:23,621 --> 00:11:25,623
Are you ready...
Eddie?
280
00:11:26,791 --> 00:11:28,376
Honey, I'm off to work.
281
00:11:28,419 --> 00:11:29,837
MITCHELL: Dad.
282
00:11:29,839 --> 00:11:32,131
You can't go to work.
We're in crisis-mode here.
283
00:11:32,133 --> 00:11:33,635
Leaving us yet again
284
00:11:33,676 --> 00:11:36,971
with no way of making toast.
285
00:11:38,935 --> 00:11:41,062
I'm so sorry, honey.
286
00:11:41,104 --> 00:11:43,273
I know how important
toast is to you.
287
00:11:43,316 --> 00:11:46,778
It's just that, uh, once
I get out from underneath all these stuff...
288
00:11:46,821 --> 00:11:48,031
Coming, Eddie?
289
00:11:49,784 --> 00:11:51,285
Goodbye, everyone.
290
00:11:51,328 --> 00:11:52,454
See y...
291
00:11:56,835 --> 00:11:59,296
[MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
292
00:12:01,677 --> 00:12:02,928
Mary Ann.
293
00:12:02,929 --> 00:12:03,594
It's...
294
00:12:03,596 --> 00:12:07,350
Not my place to say it,
being a guest and all, but
295
00:12:07,393 --> 00:12:11,313
if I were your husband,
wild gators couldn't drag me from your side.
296
00:12:11,357 --> 00:12:12,407
[DOORBELL RINGING]
297
00:12:12,442 --> 00:12:13,860
Great! Dad's back!
298
00:12:17,366 --> 00:12:18,534
Can I help you?
299
00:12:18,576 --> 00:12:21,246
Is this the Taylor residency?
300
00:12:21,289 --> 00:12:22,415
Uh-huh.
301
00:12:22,457 --> 00:12:24,668
Are you Mitchell?
302
00:12:24,711 --> 00:12:25,795
Yes.
303
00:12:25,837 --> 00:12:27,046
All right. Carl!
304
00:12:28,257 --> 00:12:29,341
Hey!
305
00:12:29,384 --> 00:12:30,719
Mom!
306
00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:32,887
Mom! [MUFFLED YELLING]
307
00:12:32,931 --> 00:12:34,308
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
308
00:12:36,269 --> 00:12:38,104
Help! Help!
309
00:12:44,156 --> 00:12:45,532
Mother, come quick.
310
00:12:46,743 --> 00:12:47,994
Carrie?
311
00:12:49,246 --> 00:12:50,414
Carrie?
312
00:12:51,750 --> 00:12:53,209
Are you all right?
313
00:12:53,252 --> 00:12:55,087
It's Mitchell. He's been...
314
00:12:56,048 --> 00:12:57,215
Kidnapped.
315
00:12:57,967 --> 00:12:59,344
[SIGHS]
316
00:13:00,095 --> 00:13:01,555
Too damn bad.
317
00:13:03,059 --> 00:13:05,144
But luckily for us, I'm here.
318
00:13:05,146 --> 00:13:05,895
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
319
00:13:05,896 --> 00:13:10,025
Those thugs will rue the day
they were ever conceived!
320
00:13:11,839 --> 00:13:15,115
MITCHELL: Things were not
looking so hot.
321
00:13:15,118 --> 00:13:19,706
My mom and sister had been
sucked into the world of a really bad soap opera,
322
00:13:19,750 --> 00:13:22,520
and I'd just found out what
it means to be "Shanghaied."
323
00:13:22,522 --> 00:13:24,505
You learn something
every day in here,
324
00:13:24,507 --> 00:13:27,009
and sometimes, what you learn
can be fatal.
325
00:13:30,599 --> 00:13:32,059
MITCHELL: Help!
326
00:13:32,102 --> 00:13:33,269
Let me out of here!
327
00:13:34,020 --> 00:13:35,105
[KNOCKING]
328
00:13:35,147 --> 00:13:36,732
Mitchell.
Stanley?
329
00:13:36,775 --> 00:13:38,068
Over here.
330
00:13:41,407 --> 00:13:42,658
Get me out of this thing.
331
00:13:42,700 --> 00:13:44,035
Mitch, it's all right?
332
00:13:44,077 --> 00:13:46,246
Yeah, it's all right.
Now get me out of here.
333
00:13:47,290 --> 00:13:48,500
[GRUNTS]
334
00:13:49,245 --> 00:13:50,919
[SIGHS]
335
00:13:50,921 --> 00:13:53,549
I saw them grab you.
I followed them with my bike.
336
00:13:53,591 --> 00:13:54,759
Good work, Stanley.
337
00:13:54,801 --> 00:13:56,731
Let's go. We don't have
a minute to lose.
338
00:13:57,889 --> 00:13:59,182
Carrie, listen to me.
339
00:13:59,183 --> 00:13:59,974
These thugs,
340
00:13:59,976 --> 00:14:02,812
was one of them
a seven-foot tall, half-bald redhead
341
00:14:02,855 --> 00:14:03,981
with a wooden foot?
342
00:14:04,023 --> 00:14:06,317
Um, no.
343
00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:07,528
Good.
344
00:14:07,570 --> 00:14:09,989
Good. That narrows
the field right down.
345
00:14:10,491 --> 00:14:11,701
Oh, Stag,
346
00:14:11,742 --> 00:14:13,244
what will we do?
347
00:14:13,246 --> 00:14:14,745
[MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
348
00:14:14,747 --> 00:14:17,167
Until young Mitchell's
returned to us,
349
00:14:17,209 --> 00:14:20,087
we shall keep his image
alive in our hearts.
350
00:14:20,130 --> 00:14:21,965
Is this image
alive enough for you?
351
00:14:21,967 --> 00:14:25,719
Sorry, Stag, your
little scheme didn't work,
352
00:14:25,722 --> 00:14:27,162
thanks to my friend, Stanley.
353
00:14:27,183 --> 00:14:29,727
That's so... heroic.
354
00:14:29,729 --> 00:14:31,187
[MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
355
00:14:31,189 --> 00:14:33,941
Oh, it was nothing.
356
00:14:33,984 --> 00:14:37,414
I couldn't have lived
with myself if I had left you without a brother.
357
00:14:39,074 --> 00:14:40,910
Stan, please stay with me.
358
00:14:42,288 --> 00:14:44,540
I was onto your plan
from the start, Stag.
359
00:14:44,583 --> 00:14:46,585
You tried to Shanghai me,
but no,
360
00:14:46,628 --> 00:14:48,963
Mitchell Taylor doesn't
"Shanghai" easily.
361
00:14:49,006 --> 00:14:50,716
Mom, call the cops.
362
00:14:53,554 --> 00:14:56,057
You must forgive my son.
363
00:14:56,099 --> 00:14:58,519
He has a hyperactive
imagination.
364
00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:01,065
It's an illness, really.
365
00:15:02,317 --> 00:15:03,902
A tragic illness.
366
00:15:03,945 --> 00:15:06,113
I feel your pain.
367
00:15:06,156 --> 00:15:08,784
Come on, Mom, this guy
had me kidnapped.
368
00:15:08,786 --> 00:15:11,203
Carrie, you've seen the show.
You know what he does.
369
00:15:11,206 --> 00:15:13,083
Mitchell.
370
00:15:13,124 --> 00:15:18,171
Why don't you and Stanley
go do something... boyishly life-affirming?
371
00:15:18,216 --> 00:15:19,926
Oh, Mary Ann.
372
00:15:19,969 --> 00:15:22,555
If only I had someone
like you in my life.
373
00:15:24,392 --> 00:15:26,811
Everything would have been
so very different.
374
00:15:29,107 --> 00:15:31,234
Maybe it's not too late.
375
00:15:32,404 --> 00:15:33,905
Oh, Mary Ann.
376
00:15:34,782 --> 00:15:37,159
Oh... Stag.
377
00:15:37,202 --> 00:15:38,453
Oh, no.
378
00:15:38,496 --> 00:15:40,373
This is mega-trouble, Stanley.
379
00:15:40,374 --> 00:15:43,458
Lest we can figure out
how to beat this guy, my mom's soap meat.
380
00:15:43,461 --> 00:15:44,336
What are we gonna do though?
381
00:15:44,337 --> 00:15:48,717
If we get in his way again,
both of us might end up learning Chinese...
382
00:15:48,760 --> 00:15:50,429
Inside a trunk.
Yeah.
383
00:15:52,433 --> 00:15:55,185
Unless Stag makes a decision
to leave on his own.
384
00:15:56,355 --> 00:15:57,607
Stanley,
385
00:15:57,648 --> 00:15:59,900
we're gonna find Stag
a better storyline.
386
00:16:10,242 --> 00:16:12,996
What are you doing, Carrie?
387
00:16:12,997 --> 00:16:14,123
Packing.
388
00:16:14,165 --> 00:16:16,334
I think Stag's gonna
ask me to elope.
389
00:16:17,418 --> 00:16:18,586
Elope?
390
00:16:18,628 --> 00:16:20,129
We're in love.
391
00:16:20,171 --> 00:16:21,297
Can't you see that?
392
00:16:21,298 --> 00:16:22,922
He's just using you
to get to mom.
393
00:16:22,923 --> 00:16:24,175
That's crazy.
394
00:16:24,176 --> 00:16:26,092
Oh, yeah? Then let's go ask her.
We can't.
395
00:16:26,093 --> 00:16:28,054
She's down at
the World O'Stuff with...
396
00:16:28,095 --> 00:16:29,513
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
397
00:16:29,555 --> 00:16:30,765
Stag.
398
00:16:32,850 --> 00:16:34,435
Oh...
399
00:16:34,477 --> 00:16:36,187
[MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
400
00:16:36,188 --> 00:16:39,022
Stanley, we got to get to
the World O'Stuff as fast as we can.
401
00:16:39,023 --> 00:16:40,149
Yeah, okay.
402
00:16:41,067 --> 00:16:42,117
Pen.
403
00:16:42,151 --> 00:16:43,861
Pen? Here you go.
404
00:16:47,323 --> 00:16:49,867
I wish we could
be like this always.
405
00:16:50,743 --> 00:16:52,161
Oh, Stag.
406
00:16:53,579 --> 00:16:55,331
What's happening to me?
407
00:16:56,207 --> 00:16:57,541
What am I doing,
408
00:16:57,875 --> 00:16:59,251
saying,
409
00:16:59,293 --> 00:17:00,503
feeling...
410
00:17:01,295 --> 00:17:02,505
Thinking?
411
00:17:05,883 --> 00:17:07,176
I'm not sure.
412
00:17:09,845 --> 00:17:11,764
Thank goodness
those marks are in.
413
00:17:11,806 --> 00:17:13,933
Now I'll have time for
some other things.
414
00:17:13,974 --> 00:17:15,059
Well...
415
00:17:15,101 --> 00:17:16,394
[SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING]
416
00:17:16,435 --> 00:17:20,064
Let me suggest a few
of those other things.
417
00:17:28,739 --> 00:17:30,866
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
418
00:17:30,908 --> 00:17:32,827
I gotta get down
to the World O'Stuff.
419
00:17:32,868 --> 00:17:34,161
Mary Ann.
420
00:17:34,203 --> 00:17:36,193
I've been waiting
to ask you something.
421
00:17:36,539 --> 00:17:37,790
Yes, Stag?
422
00:17:37,832 --> 00:17:39,041
This is the moment.
423
00:17:39,083 --> 00:17:41,210
Your moment, our moment.
424
00:17:41,252 --> 00:17:42,878
You must decide.
425
00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:45,715
Run away with me so that
we can be together forever.
426
00:17:45,756 --> 00:17:46,924
But my family...
427
00:17:46,966 --> 00:17:49,343
Oh, what about them, hmm?
428
00:17:49,385 --> 00:17:52,096
The inattentive husband
who's never there for you,
429
00:17:52,138 --> 00:17:55,975
who allows vital household
appliances to go unrepaired.
430
00:17:56,016 --> 00:17:58,477
A son with a desperate
mental illness.
431
00:17:59,061 --> 00:18:00,229
Mary Ann.
432
00:18:00,271 --> 00:18:01,731
Think of yourself.
433
00:18:01,772 --> 00:18:02,898
Think of us.
434
00:18:02,940 --> 00:18:04,108
[DOORBELL CHIMING]
435
00:18:04,150 --> 00:18:05,985
CARRIE: They were right.
436
00:18:06,026 --> 00:18:07,778
You were just using me
to get to mom.
437
00:18:07,820 --> 00:18:09,739
[DRAMATIC ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]
438
00:18:09,740 --> 00:18:10,488
Don't you see, Carrie,
439
00:18:10,489 --> 00:18:13,325
this is bigger
than both of us... well, all of us.
440
00:18:16,203 --> 00:18:17,371
Here goes nothing.
441
00:18:19,623 --> 00:18:22,543
Stag, an urgent message
just came in.
442
00:18:22,585 --> 00:18:24,295
Oh? How urgent?
443
00:18:24,336 --> 00:18:26,839
There's a beautiful woman
in Corona, New Mexico.
444
00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:27,797
Beautiful, beautiful woman.
445
00:18:27,798 --> 00:18:32,052
MITCHELL: The doctor says
she needs a transplant of a rare bone marrow.
446
00:18:32,094 --> 00:18:34,555
A bone marrow only
you can give her.
447
00:18:34,556 --> 00:18:37,265
STANLEY:
Her inattentive husband is preventing anyone
448
00:18:37,266 --> 00:18:38,392
from helping her.
449
00:18:38,393 --> 00:18:39,392
You're her only hope.
450
00:18:39,393 --> 00:18:43,564
MITCHELL: I guess whoever
helps her would become a hero, and get the girl.
451
00:18:44,523 --> 00:18:46,525
Nice try, kid,
452
00:18:46,567 --> 00:18:48,235
but you're too late.
453
00:18:48,277 --> 00:18:50,905
Your mother and I
are running away.
454
00:18:50,946 --> 00:18:52,490
We need to be together.
455
00:18:53,699 --> 00:18:55,326
No!
456
00:18:56,869 --> 00:18:59,339
I know I'm not the most
romantic guy in the world,
457
00:19:00,122 --> 00:19:02,583
but I love you, Mary Ann.
458
00:19:02,584 --> 00:19:04,167
I always have,
and I always will.
459
00:19:04,168 --> 00:19:06,278
And maybe it's a little late
for this, but...
460
00:19:09,548 --> 00:19:11,425
But I fixed this.
461
00:19:11,467 --> 00:19:13,469
[DRAMATIC ORGAN
MUSIC INTENSIFIES]
462
00:19:13,511 --> 00:19:15,846
You're too...
Would you stop that?
463
00:19:17,431 --> 00:19:19,892
You're too late, pal.
She's with me now.
464
00:19:43,374 --> 00:19:45,793
That, uh, woman
in New Mexico,
465
00:19:45,835 --> 00:19:47,878
how pretty was she?
466
00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:49,547
[SNORTS]
467
00:19:50,923 --> 00:19:52,716
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
468
00:20:02,460 --> 00:20:04,811
[MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
469
00:20:04,812 --> 00:20:08,315
STAG ON TV: My bone marrow
is now your bone marrow.
470
00:20:08,357 --> 00:20:12,695
We're joined closer now
than most lovers are in a lifetime.
471
00:20:12,696 --> 00:20:13,903
[ADVERTISEMENT PLAYING]
472
00:20:13,904 --> 00:20:17,032
Stag is just so totally
not whatever.
473
00:20:17,074 --> 00:20:20,160
Frankly, I don't know
what you ever really saw in him.
474
00:20:20,161 --> 00:20:22,662
I'm just glad Carrie's got
the soaps out of her system.
475
00:20:22,663 --> 00:20:24,498
That's for sure.
476
00:20:24,540 --> 00:20:27,668
Whoa! Hold the bus.
MAN: Trapped in a bear trap,
477
00:20:27,710 --> 00:20:31,380
feeling the pain,
the agony, the teeth.
478
00:20:31,381 --> 00:20:34,007
MITCHELL: It's a funny thing
about people in soap operas.
479
00:20:34,008 --> 00:20:37,552
For all they talk about
love and caring, nobody ever does much of either,
480
00:20:37,553 --> 00:20:39,723
as opposed to real people
like my parents,
481
00:20:39,763 --> 00:20:43,517
who may not talk about it much,
but really do care about each other.
482
00:20:43,559 --> 00:20:46,020
True love. Now that is weird.
483
00:20:50,357 --> 00:20:51,984
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
484
00:20:52,034 --> 00:20:56,584
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