Original subtitles

MITCHELL: I do solemnly swear

that everything I am about to tell you is true.

A spill of weirdness from another dimension

turned my hometown into the center of weirdness

for the entire universe.

Don't believe me? Just watch.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

WOMAN ON TV: Stag...

You, of all people, shouldn't be here.

Lucy, listen to me.

I'm where we both know I must be, here, there,

over there,

even way over there...

But wherever you are.

MITCHELL: Soap operas used to have just one thing going for them.

They were on in the day time,

when normal people were doing regular stuff.

Then my sister, Carrie, figured out how to program the VCR.

Suddenly all hours of the day and night

were filled with the trials and tribulations of...

The Beguiling and the Base.

Dinner's on in five, everyone.

Mom, is it not your duty as a mother

to wrest control of our television

from those who'd rot our minds?

And those whose minds have already been rotted?

Shh. This is a good part.

When was the last time

your husband gave you the support a woman like you needs?

LUCY: It has been hours.

Oh, Stag...

Complete me.

Culminate me.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Is that not the stupidest thing you've ever seen?

Mom?

CARRIE: I did?

Mom! CARRIE: Really?

Oh... CARRIE: When?

It was kind of romantic, wasn't it?

[SQUEALS] This is so far beyond cool!

Coolest, out of sight. Oh!

My name just got picked in the take-home-Stag draw.

Is that like take-home Chinese food?

No, you don't understand.

Stag Carnalli is coming to Eerie.

Oh!

MITCHELL: I used to think soap operas were stupid, but pretty harmless,

sort of like pink candy floss for the brain.

But that was before Stag Carnalli came to town.

Something burning?

[YELLS]

Edward.

I know. I know. I said I was gonna fix it.

We can do without toast for another day,

but we miss you.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

CARRIE: I'll get it.

When I'm done with these mid terms...

What? You'll make it up to me?

EDWARD: Oh, yeah. [CHUCKLES]

Mom, Dad.

Please.

There are children present.

Uh, morning, Professor Taylor.

Morning, Mrs. Taylor.

Hey, Lucy. Oh, yes, hi.

Um, I got the lab reports graded, sir,

and, um, I was thinking that I could help you today, with the exams.

Where would I be without my teaching assistant?

MRS. TAYLOR: Away from home even more.

Now, you hurry up with those exams and come home soon.

Okay.

Have a good day, honey.

You can count on that.

Stag Day, Dad.

Gotta keep up with these stuff.

Hmm, Stag Day, huh?

Go team.

MITCHELL: Life in Eerie had made me something of

a connoisseur of freaks and oddities.

If Stag Carnalli was coming to the World O'Stuff,

Stanley and me were gonna have front-row seats.

[CROWD CHATTERING]

Stand back. Police.

Form an orderly group, Do not make me use force.

I repeat, do not make me use force.

MR. CRAWFORD: Ladies and gentlemen,

friends, romance-lovers,

it is my great pleasure this time

to introduce Eerie to the star of The Beguiling and the Base,

Stag Carnalli.

[GIRLS SQUEALING]

Hope all these people are ready for a big disappointment.

[MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Hello, everyone.

It's great to be back in Eerie,

for the very first time.

GIRL: We love you, Stag.

And I love each and every one of you

so very much.

I suppose this must be the lovely young woman who brought me here.

Carrie Taylor.

Carrie.

I knew you'd be beautiful...

I knew you'd be beautiful,

but I never knew you'd have those eyes.

[GIRLS GASPING AND SQUEALING]

I knew this would be bad, but this is disgusting.

And now, if everyone wants to form a single line,

Mr. Carnalli... Stag,

has agreed to sign autographs.

Come on, Stanley.

We'll get a closer look at this guy.

Actually had an unpleasant confrontation on my way here.

A pair of evil twins,

ones I thought I had left behind.

I can't wait to get you home

so that I can really take care of you.

You're not seriously taking this guy home, are you?

Stag, this is my brother, Mitchell,

and his midget friend, Stanley.

Is that really your hair?

[LAUGHS]

Of course it is, son.

Let's not keep these autograph-seekers waiting.

Shall we?

GIRL: He's coming, he's coming, you guys, he's coming.

You okay, Stanley?

Yeah, it's just...

It's just, she's too good for him.

[MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Hello? Stanley? Snap out of it.

What?

Where am I?

What was I doing?

Carrie, I can't tell you how rare it is

to find someone who understands my pain, and my confusion.

My life has not been free of calamity either.

Listen, it's not about you.

I...

I don't fit in here.

I've thought some feelings that no one understands.

Let me be your guide.

MITCHELL: Things were taking a plot twist even the soaps wouldn't touch.

My sister was no longer just watching the soaps,

she was living them.

She wouldn't listen to me,

so our only hope lay in the level-headed sanity of my parents.

Mom, it's about Carrie.

Surprise!

Mom,

this is Stag Carnalli.

Stag, Mom.

Well, there it is.

I suppose it had to be,

that such a lovely young woman

would have to have such a beautiful,

beautiful mother.

[MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

I wanna thank you for inviting me into your wonderful home.

Being close to this terrific family has...

Has special meaning to me.

He never had a home of his own.

Oh.

My real parents were killed just before I was born.

After. That would be just "after" I was born.

An incident involving a camel...

Anyway, I've always longed to experience a real family.

Yearned.

Oh, well, you'll have to stay.

We'd be happy to have you.

I accept your offer, Mrs. Taylor.

MRS. TAYLOR: Oh, please,

Mary Ann.

Mary Ann.

Good thing Mr. Crawford never changes his magazines.

Some of these go all the way back to '75.

This guy has romanced and abandoned 73 women.

All of them, married.

Stanley, I think this guy is setting up my mom for number 74.

Thank goodness Carrie's safe.

You're missing the point.

Somewhere along the line, The Beguiling and the Base

started seeping into reality.

See, in the older magazines,

they talk about an actor named Sidney Dumptruck, who plays Stag.

But as you go on, they stop referring to Dumptruck, and just call him "Stag."

Like he's a real person?

Listen to this.

"As with everything, Stag Carnalli steals a wife in style.

"He shares a cranberry soda and a slap on the back

"with the husband of the intended victim,

leaving the poor sap to believe that Stag is his best friend."

Don't any of these husbands try to stop him?

In here it says that the last three guys who got in Stag's way

wound up getting bopped on the head and shipped off in a slow boat to Shanghai.

Let's get one thing straight.

This guy's not Stag Carnalli.

He's just an actor.

An actor who's turning my house into a three ring 'round the clock soap opera.

We have to do something.

MAN: The time when we're apart,

I call up these moments.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

I savor this special relationship we share.

[SIGHS AND GIGGLES]

Claude.

CLAUDE: That'll be three dollars for the cat food.

The litter will be in on...

Shall we say...

Tuesday.

MITCHELL: I didn't know what madness was infecting my family,

but it was clearly spreading.

With my mom now firmly in Stag's overacting clutches,

there was only one member of the family

who I knew could be trusted to keep a level head.

Dad, thank goodness you're home.

Where's mom?

She's in the kitchen with Stag and your sister.

You met him? Oh, yeah.

He was a nice guy.

Made me this.

I'm not much of a cranberry drinker, but the thought was nice.

Dad, he does that to everyone whose wife he's trying to steal.

[LAUGHTER]

EDWARD: Stag?

Steal you mother away?

That's absurd.

MITCHELL: Trust me, this guy's a home wrecker.

EDWARD: Home wrecker? Mitchell, be serious.

He romances married women and then abandons them.

Anybody who tries to get in his way ends up in Shanghai.

I'm sure you mother can take care of herself.

No, he's got this power. Oh, yeah.

Dad, you've got to believe me!

Stag?

Yes.

Are you all right?

Oh, yes, yes, I'm fine.

It's nothing. It's...

[MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

It's a lost love.

A painful memory.

A sacrifice.

EDWARD: I think your grip on reality

grows weaker with each passing day, Mitchell.

Couple of nights on the couch won't hurt you.

You're giving him my room?

At your age, Stag slept on the dirt floor of an appellation shack.

MRS. TAYLOR: As he dreamed of driving Formula One automobiles

and starting the high tech firm

that would make him his first million.

Igor.

I have another package for you.

That's right.

Express to Shanghai.

[DRAMATIC ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]

Won't you people listen to me?

He doesn't drive race cars, and he didn't create anything.

He's an actor.

And don't you think there's something funny about all this organ music?

I mean, we don't even own an organ.

Hey ho, everyone.

[CHUCKLES]

Edward, ol' buddy.

[CHUCKLES] Hey.

How about another refreshing non-alcoholic beverage, huh?

I don't mind if I do.

STAG: There you are.

All right. Cheers.

Oh! Sorry there, bud.

[LAUGHING]

[DOORBELL RINGING]

I'll get it.

Oh, hi, Lucy.

Are you ready... Eddie?

Honey, I'm off to work.

MITCHELL: Dad.

You can't go to work. We're in crisis-mode here.

Leaving us yet again

with no way of making toast.

I'm so sorry, honey.

I know how important toast is to you.

It's just that, uh, once I get out from underneath all these stuff...

Coming, Eddie?

Goodbye, everyone.

See y...

[MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Mary Ann.

It's...

Not my place to say it, being a guest and all, but

if I were your husband, wild gators couldn't drag me from your side.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Great! Dad's back!

Can I help you?

Is this the Taylor residency?

Uh-huh.

Are you Mitchell?

Yes.

All right. Carl!

Hey!

Mom!

Mom! [MUFFLED YELLING]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Help! Help!

Mother, come quick.

Carrie?

Carrie?

Are you all right?

It's Mitchell. He's been...

Kidnapped.

[SIGHS]

Too damn bad.

But luckily for us, I'm here.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Those thugs will rue the day they were ever conceived!

MITCHELL: Things were not looking so hot.

My mom and sister had been sucked into the world of a really bad soap opera,

and I'd just found out what it means to be "Shanghaied."

You learn something every day in here,

and sometimes, what you learn can be fatal.

MITCHELL: Help!

Let me out of here!

[KNOCKING]

Mitchell. Stanley?

Over here.

Get me out of this thing.

Mitch, it's all right?

Yeah, it's all right. Now get me out of here.

[GRUNTS]

[SIGHS]

I saw them grab you. I followed them with my bike.

Good work, Stanley.

Let's go. We don't have a minute to lose.

Carrie, listen to me.

These thugs,

was one of them a seven-foot tall, half-bald redhead

with a wooden foot?

Um, no.

Good.

Good. That narrows the field right down.

Oh, Stag,

what will we do?

[MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Until young Mitchell's returned to us,

we shall keep his image alive in our hearts.

Is this image alive enough for you?

Sorry, Stag, your little scheme didn't work,

thanks to my friend, Stanley.

That's so... heroic.

[MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, it was nothing.

I couldn't have lived with myself if I had left you without a brother.

Stan, please stay with me.

I was onto your plan from the start, Stag.

You tried to Shanghai me, but no,

Mitchell Taylor doesn't "Shanghai" easily.

Mom, call the cops.

You must forgive my son.

He has a hyperactive imagination.

It's an illness, really.

A tragic illness.

I feel your pain.

Come on, Mom, this guy had me kidnapped.

Carrie, you've seen the show. You know what he does.

Mitchell.

Why don't you and Stanley go do something... boyishly life-affirming?

Oh, Mary Ann.

If only I had someone like you in my life.

Everything would have been so very different.

Maybe it's not too late.

Oh, Mary Ann.

Oh... Stag.

Oh, no.

This is mega-trouble, Stanley.

Lest we can figure out how to beat this guy, my mom's soap meat.

What are we gonna do though?

If we get in his way again, both of us might end up learning Chinese...

Inside a trunk. Yeah.

Unless Stag makes a decision to leave on his own.

Stanley,

we're gonna find Stag a better storyline.

What are you doing, Carrie?

Packing.

I think Stag's gonna ask me to elope.

Elope?

We're in love.

Can't you see that?

He's just using you to get to mom.

That's crazy.

Oh, yeah? Then let's go ask her. We can't.

She's down at the World O'Stuff with...

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Stag.

Oh...

[MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Stanley, we got to get to the World O'Stuff as fast as we can.

Yeah, okay.

Pen.

Pen? Here you go.

I wish we could be like this always.

Oh, Stag.

What's happening to me?

What am I doing,

saying,

feeling...

Thinking?

I'm not sure.

Thank goodness those marks are in.

Now I'll have time for some other things.

Well...

[SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Let me suggest a few of those other things.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

I gotta get down to the World O'Stuff.

Mary Ann.

I've been waiting to ask you something.

Yes, Stag?

This is the moment.

Your moment, our moment.

You must decide.

Run away with me so that we can be together forever.

But my family...

Oh, what about them, hmm?

The inattentive husband who's never there for you,

who allows vital household appliances to go unrepaired.

A son with a desperate mental illness.

Mary Ann.

Think of yourself.

Think of us.

[DOORBELL CHIMING]

CARRIE: They were right.

You were just using me to get to mom.

[DRAMATIC ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]

Don't you see, Carrie,

this is bigger than both of us... well, all of us.

Here goes nothing.

Stag, an urgent message just came in.

Oh? How urgent?

There's a beautiful woman in Corona, New Mexico.

Beautiful, beautiful woman.

MITCHELL: The doctor says she needs a transplant of a rare bone marrow.

A bone marrow only you can give her.

STANLEY: Her inattentive husband is preventing anyone

from helping her.

You're her only hope.

MITCHELL: I guess whoever helps her would become a hero, and get the girl.

Nice try, kid,

but you're too late.

Your mother and I are running away.

We need to be together.

No!

I know I'm not the most romantic guy in the world,

but I love you, Mary Ann.

I always have, and I always will.

And maybe it's a little late for this, but...

But I fixed this.

[DRAMATIC ORGAN MUSIC INTENSIFIES]

You're too... Would you stop that?

You're too late, pal. She's with me now.

That, uh, woman in New Mexico,

how pretty was she?

[SNORTS]

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

STAG ON TV: My bone marrow is now your bone marrow.

We're joined closer now than most lovers are in a lifetime.

[ADVERTISEMENT PLAYING]

Stag is just so totally not whatever.

Frankly, I don't know what you ever really saw in him.

I'm just glad Carrie's got the soaps out of her system.

That's for sure.

Whoa! Hold the bus. MAN: Trapped in a bear trap,

feeling the pain, the agony, the teeth.

MITCHELL: It's a funny thing about people in soap operas.

For all they talk about love and caring, nobody ever does much of either,

as opposed to real people like my parents,

who may not talk about it much, but really do care about each other.

True love. Now that is weird.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

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