Original subtitles

MITCHELL: I do solemnly swear

that everything I am about to tell you is true.

A spill of weirdness from another dimension

turned my hometown into the center of weirdness

for the entire universe.

Don't believe me? Just watch.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

At 8:00 a.m. a flesh-eating bacteria began

consuming a department store Santa

at the rate of 1 milligram per hour.

By what time, will the replacement Santa need to be hired

factoring in...

MITCHELL: Mrs. Flipper's math class was never exactly the highpoint of my day.

But it didn't become truly scary until the day it took

a sharp left turn and smack into weirdsville.

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]

When you live in Eerie, you see some pretty strange things.

But what can be even stranger, are the things you don't see.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

MRS. FLIPPER: Mitchell!

Kindly share with us the formula

for calculating the ingestion rate.

Formula?

You mean for the soon to be missing Santa?

Um...

MITCHELL: Bottom fat ratios and ingestion formulas.

I've blown every question Mrs. Flipper ever asked me

and now I was going to flunk math over Santa's body fat.

Another red X by your name Mr. Taylor.

That should just about finish you.

Time equals fat times mass over bacteria squared.

And the answer?

Um, Santa would be totally digested within 72 hours.

Correct.

[BELL RINGS]

MITCHELL: Don't get me wrong. Math and me have never exactly gotten along.

So a little help from a classmate doesn't go unappreciated.

But how do you show appreciation when that classmate turns out

to be a poltergeist.

In Eerie, weirdness is always the subject of the day.

MITCHELL: The book says that these four Lord spirits came to the earth lonely and afraid,

until they can find a way to rise into the light.

STANLEY: Maybe they should lighten up.

Get it? Oh, yeah.

I bet one of Mrs. Flipper's students died of terminal boredom.

Now he's doomed to an endless afterlife of Algebra.

Eternal torture.

We have to find out whose soul it is before we can free it.

Where we going?

To get some answers.

MITCHELL: Maybe it wasn't boredom.

Maybe he hid in a closet and suffocated.

Chewed on his pencil and died of lead poisoning,

or asphyxiated on chalk dust,

or bled out from a paper cut.

School can be a dangerous place.

Except in three hours we found absolutely no evidence

that any kid ever died in this school.

Maybe it was a cover up.

Check this out. What?

[SMIRKS] There's Barney Walters before he got that stupid haircut.

Yeah, check out the guy beside him.

Holy cow!

MITCHELL: You can see right through him. There's our ghost.

And his name is... Ollie Roberts.

"In the darkness of night from beyond the veil,

"open now the door to the world of spirits.

BOTH: We search for the restless spirit, named Ollie."

Man, that's pretty hokey.

Are you sure this is the only way to contact him?

That's what the book says.

I guess ghosts like hokey.

Come on.

We're here for you, Ollie Roberts.

Be here for us.

BOTH: We're here for you, Ollie Roberts. Be here for us.

We know you're here, Ollie.

We just wanna talk to you.

He's here, I know he is.

Hm, okay.

Sure, whatever you say. I just think we need another approach.

[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]

I guess we got our ghost.

Hi.

Hi... um...

I'm... I'm Mitchell.

This is Stanley.

Why did you call me?

Ah... we thought you might need some help.

You know, finding your way into the light and all that

ghost stuff.

Ghost? I'm not a ghost.

Do I look dead?

Yeah.

Oh.

I'm sorry. He just meant we could see through you.

That just sort of happened.

Bit by bit.

Happened?

Nobody seemed to mind.

I don't think they noticed.

Not even your folks?

Pretty busy.

No one was paying attention to him so he just disappeared?

I can understand that.

You don't just vanish because people ignore you.

Not everyone has a family like you

that actually cares about them.

Hey, where did he go?

We lost him. Ollie!

Ollie, come back. Ollie!

[SWOOSHING]

We're sorry. We'll try to pay more attention.

Just... can you try and stick around?

I don't mean to.

I'm sorry, it just happens.

How do you survive?

You won't believe how many kids

ditch their bag lunches.

And you sit here all alone,

eating their dried up celery sticks?

Shoving their moldy tuna sandwiches into your lonely mouth.

Stanley.

It's okay.

It's quiet. There's lots of books to read.

Secondhand sandwiches and not-stop Mrs. Flipper?

You need a life.

[KIDS NOISY CHATTER]

MITCHELL: We're here about Ollie.

We're here about Ollie.

Well? Ollie.

I'm Holly.

No, not Holly. Ollie.

Your brother. Don't you recognize his name?

Sure whatever. He must be around here some place.

[KIDS NOISY CHATTER]

Oh, excuse me. Excuse me, Mrs. Roberts?

Yes, what is it?

Oh, we found your son, Mrs. Roberts.

Uh, which one?

There's more than one missing?

None of them are missing.

At least, at least I don't think so.

What about Ollie?

What about him? He's got to be around here some place.

Are you sure?

Um... well, try his room upstairs.

Uh, first door on the right.

You two, stop that?

[KIDS NOISY CHATTER]

What if he's there, like she says he is.

Well, then our poltergeist has got some planning to do.

Ollie, you in there?

Ollie, open up.

It's stuck.

[STATIC NOISES]

There's nothing there.

Poor Ollie.

MITCHELL: This was getting serious.

First Ollie disappeared

and now everything connected with him is vanishing, too.

Ollie's lack of solid body mass was spreading.

I had to keep him from disappearing

or who knows how much stuff would be sucked into the sea of nothingness forever.

Are you talking to me?

Are you talking to me?

Then who else are you talking to? I'm the only one here.

Talk to me, you son of a mother.

Well, that was riveting, Stanley.

Yeah?

Gave me chills.

All right, Ollie. Your shot.

Ar-are you...

Ca-ca-can...

[FLUSHING]

What are you two?

Freaks or something?

Two freaks?

See what I'm up against?

He didn't see me.

I'm sorry, I can't.

This assertiveness thing isn't in me.

Sure it is Ollie, you just have to find it.

Come on, Ollie. Do it for all kids nobody notices.

You think it matters?

Sure it matters.

Okay, I'm I'm ready.

[STUTTERING] Are you... Ex-excuse me

are-do you think

maybe you s-said

something, ah... maybe it was me

you were talking to.

Eh, s-sorry, wrong guy I guess.

Phase two.

A live guppy weighs three grams.

A man's stomach holds 1.5 liters.

How many guppies can the man swallow?

Doesn't anyone know the answer?

I think I do.

I'm very disappointed in you class.

Think. Little fish.

Think large stomach.

Full of acid.

Mushing up those little fishes into guppy juice.

Anyone?

Try standing up.

Oh, finally. Someone's raised their hand.

Judy.

And the answer is?

May I please go to the washroom?

Does nobody know the answer?

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

One last try, Ollie.

If you say so.

Two hundred and six.

He swallow 206 guppies.

Oh, come now.

Wakey, wakey!

And the answer is...

206 little fish.

Phase three.

There's your big chance, Ollie. Go for it.

Go, go.

Hi. Um, m-my name is Ollie.

O-Ollie Roberts.

I'm in your math class.

Anyway, ah, I was wondering if maybe sometime

we could see each other

ou-outside school?

I-I mean, I know you-you can't even see me

in school.

But it would mean a lot to me and...

Hi, Damen. Hey.

[WISTFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

Oof!

You!

It wasn't me, I swear.

Oh, yeah? Who was it then?

MITCHELL: Number to myself. When trying to raise someones self esteem,

keep away from homicidal psychopaths.

It's my fault. He should've hit me.

Everything I do turns out wrong.

It wasn't your fault. You hear me, Ollie?

This thing you've got feeds on low self esteem

and you can't give in to it.

I'm trying.

I really am.

Anybody feel like lunch?

I think I'll pass.

Don't you even want to know what the special is?

Yes! A cake.

It's a cupcake.

It's my birthday tomorrow.

So, I'll take anything I can get.

It's your birthday?

MITCHELL: Ollie's parents could hardly remember who their son was,

let alone remember his birthday.

But after we showed them Ollie's birth certificate,

dated baby pictures and his bronze baby shoes,

they had a vague recollection of giving birth to him.

They still made us buy the cake.

Why're you doing this?

Because it's important for you to know that your family still loves you.

ALL: Surprise!

Surprise.

This is incredible.

[KIDS CHATTER]

This is amazing.

[TOY WHISTLES BLOWING]

Who's Ozzie?

[KIDS CHATTER]

Isn't that you?

No. But that's okay.

♪ For Ollie's a Jolly good fellow

♪ For Ollie's a Jolly good fellow

♪ For Ollie's a Jolly good fellow

♪ For Ollie's a Jolly good fellow

[ALL SINGING]

♪ Which nobody can deny

Close you eyes and make a wish.

WOMAN: Nobody can deny.

[MERRY LAUGHTER]

GIRL: I want some cake.

Come on, cut the cake already, we're starving.

Chocolate cake My favorite.

Gemma!

Come give me a big hug.

It's okay, Ollie. It could be worse.

Oh yeah? How?

Come on, Ollie. You haven't even got your present yet.

A present? Yeah.

For me? That's right.

Get out of here, go.

Mom, Ollie's friend yelled at me.

Is that really for me?

Here it is.

Who cares about wrapping. It's what's inside that counts.

It was a baseball glove.

We'll get you a new one I promise.

No, thanks.

It was nice of you to try, but...

None of this is any use.

Nobody wants to know me.

MITCHELL: Sure Ollie had been invisible before,

but this time he sounded like he was ready to give up for good.

That was something Stanley and me weren't about to let happen without a fight.

Even if we had to keep him on a leash.

Repeat after me.

"I'm the center of the universe

and I'm entitled to more good things than anyone else."

I'm nothing.

Come on, Ollie. You gotta try.

"I'm the brilliant burning sun.

I'm the dazzling luminosity."

Leave me alone.

Better off the way I was.

At least if they can't see, they can't hurt you.

But if we let you disappear again, you might never come back.

It's fine. That's all I want.

Look, Ollie, the only way you're gonna come back to this world

is if you really wanna be someone

and you're willing to let people know.

Stanley and me can't do that.

Something you have to do yourself.

For what it's worth,

just want you to know that we think you're pretty cool.

You do? Yeah.

We don't want to see you disappear.

We want you to be our friend.

It's your decision.

Let us know.

I don't know what to do.

So, the hound dog out here cryin' all the time?

There's nothing like a peanut butter and bacon sandwich

to keep them ol' blues away.

Hey dog, you'll want a bite?

I'm not a dog. I'm a person.

I was like that once.

Little ol' tree who couldn't see for the forest.

You were?

Unnoticed, unwanted,

unknown,

until I heard the words of a good old gal named Gypsy Rose Lee.

Who?

Never you mind. It's what she said that counts.

You got to believe in yourself.

And... you got to have a gimmick.

And what was yours?

Why... the look, boy!

The look.

I was a big zero till I found my very own.

You might say I reinvented myself.

Maybe it's the same with you, little dog.

Decide on who you are.

And then... let your wardrobe tell everybody.

Just like on Mickey Blake.

[ROCK 'N' ROLL MUSIC PLAYING]

Hm... it's close.

But... ah... no cigar.

Picky, picky.

Don't knock it.

Is... this more what you had in mind?

Yeah, that's better.

I think we're on the right track.

Um... Ollie, I don't know how to say this, but...

I don't think anyone would want to wear that stuff on a bet.

I do.

Come on, Ollie. You can't be serious.

I said that's what I want to wear.

Keep it coming, Crawford.

Okay.

[UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING]

Am I not the guy?

Am I awesome or what?

Hey, you look great, Ollie.

Really great,

Yeah, like a used car salesman at a convention for the taste impaired.

You sure you don't wanna try anything else on?

Are you kidding?

Look at me.

[GIRLS LAUGHING]

You hear that? They saw me!

They actually saw me.

Hey girls, catch up with you later.

[GIRL] Yeah, right.

Of course, nobody saw me before,

I wasn't whole, I wasn't me.

But now, look at me.

It's kind of hard not to.

You said it, Stan, baby.

Nobody can shut me out. And why?

Because I'm the man.

[WHOOPING]

Come on, boys, say it, say it.

BOTH: Ah, you're the man.

MITCHELL: We're happy for Ollie, we really were.

But since he went from being invisible

to so very, well, visible...

What I'm saying is, you don't respect yourself,

you got nothing.

You might as well not exist.

That's very nice, Ollie,

but it's time to take your seat.

Hey, I got the floor here.

Do I not have the floor?

And there's a few things I wanna say.

MITCHELL: Only in Eerie can a simple ghost turn

out to be the world's worse dresser

and a shy insecure kid into the loudest kid in the class.

Hey, babe. Hows about you and me?

A little late night pizza.

Some early Jackie Chan. Mm-mmm.

MITCHELL: Still I guess it's better to be a loud somebody than a nobody at all.

STANLEY: You think we did the right thing?

You know, making Ollie a non- stop talk machine and all that?

Well, I guess he's got a few years to make up for.

Look on the bright side.

At least Crawford's got someone to take all that plaid off of his hands.

The evidence please, Stanley.

MITCHELL: In a lot of towns people hold to the old saying,

"It's better to be seen and not heard."

We found that the hard way with Ollie Roberts and in Eerie, the apex of weird,

sometimes you just can't choose.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

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