Original subtitles

It's too peaceful in here.

That's because these children spend

all of their time on their phones. Hm!

They barely interact with each other.

Isn't that right, Ava?

Huh? Oh, yeah.

It's probably 'cause they don't have hand games anymore.

Hey! Do you guys know Shame?

Rockin' Robin. Miss Mary Mack.

♪ Miss Mary ♪

♪ Mack, Mack, Mack ♪

♪ All dressed in black, black, black ♪

Oh, we have those, too!

Let's do it. Okay.

♪ Girls rule, boys drool ♪

♪ We use too much fossil fuels ♪

♪ Loser, loser, double loser ♪

♪ Biden drives a P.T. Cruiser ♪

♪ Know the answer, raise your hand ♪

♪ We live on Native Land ♪

♪ Don't call me sir, don't call me miss ♪

♪ Aliens do exist ♪ Oh, my.

♪ He's too short, she's too tall ♪

♪ When will this country fall? ♪

Okay. Okay. Uh... go back to your phones.

Mr. Eddie, my tooth is loose.

Mm-hmm.

If it falls out, do I eat it like I did last time?

I'm a little busy right now, okay?

You're coloring a carrot.

Go take a seat for me. Okay?

So, after the teachers' panel,

a man from the Philadelphia Activities Fund

approached me about applying for a grant

for the Garden Goofballs program.

That would mean field trips to fields...

seed money for seeds...

and the kids' top request-- matching T-shirts.

So I've been working nonstop on the proposal

to make that happen.

You know, it's really exciting to think about what

the Garden Goofballs program can become,

and to think it all started because of a fart.

Hi. Mr. Eddie?

I'm subbing for Ms. Teagues next door this week.

Everything alright? Well, there's a student

who's had unexcused absences the last three days.

Just wondering what the protocol is.

Well, which child?

- Alex. - Alex Perkins?

He was with me last year.

Yes, and I noticed he only came to class twice last week.

Oh, well, that's not like Alex.

So can you just not come to school?

No. Sounds like you don't have to.

I can't wait for second grade!

Thanks for letting me know. I'll look into it.

My tooth! I just swallowed my tooth!

Yes. This is incredible.

Okay. Bye, Principal Oldman!

That was Principal Oldman over at Robinson Prep.

He was calling to personally thank me for the institution

of the librarian program.

That's awesome! Oh, my God!

Superintendent John Reynolds in my office. Ha ha ha!

Am I being fired?

I was just quoting that joke.

No, you're not being fired, Janine.

I-I came in here to compliment you.

Oh.

"Oh"? That's it?

Y-You thought you were getting fired,

and now I'm complimenting you,

and just..."Oh." Oh.

Anyway, I've been very impressed with your work.

Your ability to problem-solve under pressure is why I think

you should be calling a few more of the shots around here.

Wow.

"Wow." That's the reaction I was looking for!

When your fellowship is up,

we really want to offer you a full-time position here.

A real job here? Yeah, here.

We think that you have barely scratched the surface.

You have the chance to be a superstar.

Minus the flashing lights and the insane salary.

You would be getting a little bit of a raise. Oh!

But you're still a government worker. Okay.

Um, but we're gonna give you that chance.

The district has provided us with a new software

to detect the use of A.I. in your work.

You need to understand this growing technology,

and I thought we could try it all together.

So here is a poem by Robert Frost.

And when I hit this button,

it will tell us if Frost was a robot...

and my entire life has been a lie.

Ah! I knew it was all Bobby.

And here is Javon's paper on World War II.

I-I only used Wikipedia to make sure I spelled the names right.

Ha ha ha! Let's go! Hey. I told you, Mr. C.

I never doubted you, Javon.

Mainly because you got a "D" on it.

So we will need to have a chat about that.

Really, you can use this on any written material--

books, journals, things from your everyday life, even.

For example, here is a lovely e-mail response

from Mrs. Howard to my weekly newsletter.

And, uh... no, that...

Mrs. Howard cold as hell!

Yeah, she must hate your ass.

Stop cursing.

Janine is 10 minutes late,

which means she's 30 minutes late,

'cause I'm always 20 minutes late.

Well, she does better than me

because when I say I'm gonna be a little late,

I usually just don't show up.

Well, well, well!

If it isn't the Autobots.

Or should I say Decepticons.

I'm already not enjoying this conversation.

Jacob, what are you talking about?

Well, you see, I was demonstrating

the new A.I. detection software

to my class this morning, and I thought, "Hmm.

What better test than to use one of my good friend Barb's

e-mail correspondences?"

And I was shocked--

no, heartbroken--

to learn that it was 99% A.I.-generated.

Jacob, I'm sure it was just a glitch.

Dang, Barb. How could you do that?

Funny you say that.

Because then I decided to check your thoughtful review

of my essay on the hidden dangers...

Ohh. ...of espresso martinis.

And I meant every word.

Oh, I bet you did.

100%...

A.I.-generated.

100. Mnh.

So, Ava showed me how to do it,

and then I showed Barbara.

Because, you know, we need to learn A.I. software

to make sure the kids aren't abusing it to do their work.

That privilege is reserved for teachers.

Looks like Alex has seven unexcused absences.

That's not so bad.

Oh. Plus today. So eight.

Eight? Oh, that's very bad.

It is? Mm-hmm.

If he misses two more days,

he's got to go to family court

to schedule an appearance at truancy court

and then he gets held back.

For just two more absences? Mm-hmm.

Well, has anyone tried calling his house?

The district has an automated phone system

that calls the students' homes.

Well, do we know if anyone's gotten through to his family?

What do we do if Alex still isn't showing up?

Well, that's the extent of our protocol.

Do you know how hurtful it is to know

that instead of talking to some of my closest companions,

I've been talking to WALL-E for the past few months?!

Okay, well, Jacob, you're being rude, because look--

Janine is here to give us

a big, special, important announcement.

Go ahead, Janine.

Yes, yes. Thank you, Melissa. You're welcome.

Yeah. That's correct.

I do have something big to announce, so, um...

Wait. Where's Gregory?

Oh, he's working on his Goofball proposal for the district.

Oh. Okay.

Well, thank you all so much for staying after school.

I have some news about my fellowship.

God sakes. Who cares about your fellowship?!

I got ribs in the slow cooker!

Wait, wait. No, no, no, no. This is important.

You know, as you all know,

my fellowship at the district is coming to an end.

Ooh, girl, don't remind me.

My doomsday countdown clock is set to the day that you're back.

Stop!

The superintendent offered me

a full-time position at the district.

And I'm going to take it.

So I'm leaving Abbott.

Dibs on Janine's classroom as my new office!

Oh, this is officially the worst day ever.

I am proud of you. Ohh.

Janine, you have worked so hard,

and they are lucky to get you.

Well, if you're not gonna be here anymore,

then I don't have to know your name, Janice.

And for the record, I-I-I am proud of you.

I'm just having trouble processing--

because I'm a human.

But, um... Ohh!

This is huge.

Oh. Thank you, guys.

This was not an easy decision to make.

I mean, I hemmed and I hawed.

Heck, I almost pussyfooted.

But I want to do it.

I think I can really do some good work there.

No reaction from you, Ava? Oh, sorry.

I'm just going through the mental list of Janine replacements

that I started the day I met you.

Ooh! It's on!

And since you don't work here anymore, you're trespassing.

Security! Security!

Mr. Alonzo: Singular noun or a plural noun?

Day nine, and he's still not here.

I mean, Alex was in my class last year,

and he had perfect attendance.

He's the type of kid who likes when recess gets rained out

so he can stay inside and read.

Something has to be going on.

Hello?

Hi. This is Abbott Elementary calling

to check on Alex Perkins.

You're gonna have to speak up. Who is this?

Uh, this is Gregory Eddie,

um, from Abbott Elementary.

Is Alex okay? Oh, hi. Yeah.

He's right here watching "The Price Is Right" with me.

Well, he needs to be in school!

He can't be absent tomorrow, or he will be held back.

No. I already gave him a snack.

No. "Held back!"

If Alex misses one more day of school,

he will have to repeat the second grade!

Can you possibly turn the TV down for me?!

Sure. It's a commercial.

Oh, okay. Thank you.

We want to know why Alex hasn't been in school.

He said he don't want to go to school,

say he miss his old teacher, Ms. Teams.

Huh? Ms. Teams?

Oh. Ms. Teagues? He misses her?

He says that's why?

Oh, okay. Goodbye!

No, I--

Damn shame.

The boy live right across the street.

So you're telling me that we can see

as many movies as we want?

Mm-hmm.

Jacob, seems like a perfect opportunity

for you to tell us about that movie membership thing

you're always proselytizing about. Yeah.

How's that-- How's that work again?

Well, while I would love to fill you in

and explain Nicole Kidman's role in all of it,

I think you'd probably prefer to consult

some of your robot friends.

Oh. So we used A.I.

At least we responded.

Do you have any idea how much time and love and time

I put into my e-mails?

Have you no respect for my emotional labor?

You just ask for so much feedback. Oh. So much.

And Barb's typing speed is a sentence per hour.

There isn't enough time in the day.

Okay, look, if we were trying to be mean,

we would say that your e-mails are super-long and boring,

add zero value to our lives, and please stop sending them.

We're being nice! Yeah.

Nice? A.I. cannot be nice.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

I can see where this would be upsetting.

We're sorry.

No more generative e-mails. Mnh-mnh.

And we will do our best to respond.

Thank you. Yes.

To the ones that aren't super-long and boring.

Hey, Gregory. Um...

I was just about to text you,

but I'm guessing you heard already.

So you already know about Alex Perkins?

Alex Perkins? From my class?

What's going on with him? Everything okay?

Oh, um, yeah. He hasn't been coming to class.

He has nine absences. One more--

He has to go to truancy court and he gets held back a year.

Yeah. Can you imagine having to go to court

as a second grader?

Oh, my God. How is this happening?

This is very out-of-character for him.

Something must be going on. I know. Um...

We just found out he lives right across the street.

I was thinking about going to his house.

We cannot go to his house.

I mean, that's strictly against district policy.

The protocol says we call.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we went through all the district protocols.

I then called his house, I spoke to his grandma,

who I think heard one of every three words I said,

but his grandma did say that he's not coming to school

because he misses his old teacher.

That's me.

Or me. Or me.

Okay.

Um, so, I was thinking that after school,

we could get together,

go to the house, see what's going on.

Jacob. Ah.

One of my real friends.

You'd never use a robot.

You're damn right.

I wanted you to know I'm eagerly awaiting your feedback

on my latest newsletter about the history of spring cleaning.

Oh. Yeah. I was, um...

I was working all weekend on that.

You shall have my detailed response soon.

Great. For every paragraph I wrote,

I expect at least three paragraphs back.

We here at Abbott hold our teachers to a high standard.

Therefore, we will be conducting a rigorous selection process

to ensure that only the most qualified educator gets the job.

Having said that,

if you are 5'5" and under, please step forward.

You are dismissed.

If you are a go-getter who is always prompt,

please step forward.

Thank you. You are dismissed.

Congratulations on making it to the final round.

You are only one question away from landing this job.

Do you own a jelly-bean belt?

Seriously?! Dismissed!

Send in the next batch.

Okay, so, under no circumstances do we enter the house.

We're already, you know,

pushing the boundaries of district policy.

Right. Going up to the door is already bad enough.

We don't want to cross any more lines.

Exactly. We'll just explain the gravity of the situation

to Grandma, be on our way.

Sounds good. Yes.

Oh. You here to fix the refrigerator?

Oh, no. What's wrong with the refrigerator?

What's not wrong with the fridge?

No, no, we're not here for that. Oh.

Yes. I'm Janine Teagues from the school district,

and this is Gregory Eddie from Abbott Elementary. Hello.

And we came to let you know that your grandson, Alex,

is one absence away from being held back.

He's fine.

He's inside watching "The Price Is Right."

That ain't never hurt nobody.

Um, but he won't be fine if he misses class tomorrow--

or another day this year.

There will be repercussions

that will affect him for the rest of his life.

Back in my day, we came to school when we could,

and we all turned out just fine.

Right. But that won't work here.

Oh. This is a very serious matter.

We wouldn't be here otherwise.

So, please, could you just make sure

that Alex makes it to class?

Well, I just don't see the point

in making the boy go somewhere he hates so bad

when he can stay home and just hang out with me and Drew Carey.

Hm. Um...

Janine, I think it's time to go.

And Rona. Hi.

$1,100. $1,100...

Actually, can we come inside?

- Huh? - Sure.

But don't be making no guesses

during Showcase Showdown.

You keep them to yourself.

Okay.

Janine? Gregory.

You're gonna be playing Plinko!

Alex, we want to know why you haven't been coming to school.

I'm gonna miss Plinko. ...thousand dollars!

Alex. Hey.

Yes! There you go!

Tell us what's been going on.

Well, Ms. Teagues doesn't go to school,

so I don't need to go, either.

Alex, you have to go to school

whether I'm there or not, okay?

School is something you cannot miss. You do.

When are you coming back to be my teacher again?

Well, that's the good news.

Ms. Teagues is almost done at the district,

so she'll be back at Abbott very soon.

I know you're not sick in my house.

No.

Um...

So, I actually just accepted

a full-time position at the district.

What? What?!

She says she's working full-time at the district.

Y'all can't hear?

...price starts with a 3 or ends with a 5?

Welcome to your future!

Yeah.

Ooh. I'mma save so much money from the chiropractor

from not having to look down at you.

Hmm!

So, after formally interviewing

536 applicants,

I found a perfect replacement for Janine.

She has great fashion sense, went to Penn State,

and says her best skill is creative problem ignoring.

I can't wait to introduce her to the rest of the staff.

I hope you get a nude from the T-800!

Ooh. What's going on here?

Jacob responded to my newsletter using a chat bot.

I ran it through that program,

and the only thing real was some corny joke

about if you spring-cleaned my head,

you'd probably see your reflection in it.

What the hell, Jacob?!

You gave us a hard time for using it,

but then you go and do the same thing to Mr. Johnson!

I'm sorry. I've been completely underwater this week.

Ha! Mr. Johnson is

single-handedly responsible for keeping

most of the toilets in this joint running some of the time.

Yet he still found the time

to put his heart and soul into that newsletter.

Wait. So you authentically

respond to his newsletter, but not mine?

Yeah. He sends one e-mail

per quarter, and it is usually filled

with delightful anecdotes and musings.

Mm-hmm. You send 10 e-mails a day. And you know what?

I rarely feel like I'm learning a thing about you.

Oh, and you feel like you learn something

about Mr. Johnson from that newsletter?

I think we all know he likes to clean!

Actually, it's more than about spring cleaning

and explores its origins in the Iranian culture.

I learned a lot about the Iranian people

since their problematic depiction in the film "300."

Great read. Very insightful.

And you would've known that if you had read my newsletter,

you ignorant fool! Ooh!

Y'all fightin'?!

Everyone, please meet Mercedes--

Janine's more evolved replacement.

So, who's winning?

Oh, I got 10 on the plumber.

Ends with a 4. It can't-- It can't end...

I wanted to tell you earlier with everyone else,

but you weren't there, and then you told me about Alex, so...

I mean, it's-- it's, uh-- it's wild.

But, um, congrats?

Thanks.

Yeah. Congrats. Congrats. Thank you.

Hello?

Right. Okay. Yeah. Oh. Right.

Um, Alex...

Just because I'm not there doesn't mean

that the school isn't filled with great teachers.

A-And Mr. Eddie is right next door

in case you ever need anything.

Right?

Yeah. I'll be right there if you ever need me.

I don't know.

Alex, what do you want to be when you grow up?

I want to be on "The Price Is Right."

Okay. Mm-hmm.

Well, then you need to learn math

in order to make your guesses.

Hm!

Not to mention communication skills... Mm-hmm.

...critical thinking, and understanding

of socioeconomic inflation.

And you have to take P.E.

to spin the big wheel, which is fun.

Yeah. That, too. Right?

And you have to learn all that stuff in school.

Look.

Teachers are gonna come and go in your life.

Heck, people, for that matter.

You'd still play Plinko

even if Drew Carey wasn't the host, right?

I'd still play.

Okay. So... can we expect you at school tomorrow?

$500, so you got $1,500...

Okay.

Good. Okay. Okay.

And maybe, one day, you can go on a game show

and win a new refrigerator for your grandma.

That boy better at least win me a Kia!

Good luck! Good luck! Come on! Ugh!

So, how do we make sure he actually shows up every day?

Um, you know,

maybe the Goofballs can help keep an eye on him.

Part of my proposal is about keeping the students

accountable for each other while in the program.

That's a really good idea.

I look forward to seeing the proposal at the district.

Congratulations on taking the job.

No one deserves it more.

Thanks. Still hasn't really hit me yet.

Yeah, I don't think it's hit me yet, either.

"And with that in mind, I ask but one question--

Are any of us clean?"

Huh!

It's breathtaking, Mr. Johnson.

I apologize, truly.

I accept...

twenties or gift cards

of the same value.

Upon self-reflection,

perhaps I did overdo it with my e-mails.

I am so sorry for getting so upset with you both.

It is okay.

We shouldn't have used technology

to mislead you into thinking that we care.

Yeah, from now on, we'll just delete your e-mails

like normal people do.

I am so grateful for that.

Thank you for your humanity.

Hey, Gregory.

Hey. I'm just calling to let you know that Alex is back in school.

He's even early.

Ohh. Good. That's great news.

Yeah. It is.

You know, we make a really good team.

Yeah, we do.

Have a great day.

You too.

Hey, there!

So, they tell me you're gonna be here full-time!

Hmm! Yeah.

So I'm just here to drop off your start paperwork.

Oh, um...

You know what? Can I have a day?

I'm just so swamped.

Oh, and the rest of us aren't?

But, of course! Take your time.

Mm-hmm.

Farrah's gonna come right back to me after I give her these flowers.

Dude, that's cabbage!

Hey, guys, we have a new Goofball.

I want everyone to say hi to Alex.

What's up? Let me bring you up to speed, Alex.

First rule of Goofballs-- We don't talk about Goofballs.

That's not true. Second rule of Goofballs--

We don't call it Goofballs.

Okay, stop it. I need you to be older and mature,

'cause we're trying to ke--

We gotta keep an eye on him!

Okay, Alex! Hold on! No, no, no, no! Wait! Wait, wait, wait!

Okay. Alright. Look. "Price Is Right" is not even on.

It's not even on! You're so fast!