All language subtitles for Newsreaders - 1x01 - Pilot.HDTV.2HD.en

Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

Tonight on "Newsreaders," we take you inside
the world-famous snead normandy youth golf

academy -- breeding ground
for world-class professional

golfers, or training camp
for Al-qaeda sleeper cells?

Also, we catch up with famed
newsman Dan rather and learn

about his second career as part
of the dirty south hip-hop scene.

It turns out Bone Crusher,
Bun B, and I share an agent.

The rest, as I say in my song
"Fact Man To Da 404," is history.

All that and more
tonight on "Newsreaders."

60 years ago, when Dr. Alfred
Kinsey published his

seminal work on human sexuality,
he never could have imagined the

things we would be doing
with and to our genitalia.

And Dr. Kinsey surely could
never have imagined that

America's changing sexual habits
might one day revitalize a

struggling American auto industry.

Not only might they, did they.

The story of the rebirth of
Detroit steel begins in, of all

places, this eastern Arizona
state university dorm room,

where sports drink marketing
majors Ethan Lexworth and

Micah Berkeley had a simple idea.

Well, we didn't have a
ride for Bonnaroo and...

I said, "Dude, if -- I bet if we
had a cool but nondescript van,

I bet we could drive ourselves
there and get girls that we

don't know to have sex with us."

I was like, "Yeah, totally."

And then like 10 minutes
later, I had another idea.

You had a second idea.

Yeah. It just hit me.

It was like a freight truck.

And did you say
what the second idea was?

I was like, "Uh, cool, and
then if we film us having sex

with the girls, we could just
put it up on the Internet."

LaFonda:

It's genius.

You guys.

Whatever.

LaFonda:

How was Bonnaroo?

We didn't make it.

Yeah, we kind of got busy.

LaFonda:

More like boner-roo. Am I right?

Nobody really says "boner"

anymore.

They leased the
15-passenger van and just

outside the dealership lot, an
Internet sensation was born.

Why don't you get inside the van?

We'll get a little weird.

Okay. That sounds fun.

Oh, girl!

Oh, that is hella bangin'.

Ethan and Micah's videos
spread like a viral Internet video.

And like apple computer and
Jesus, another successful

business was once again born in a garage.

And now America needed
more garages...for vans.

As the [Bleep] Van videos gained
in popularity, vans sales spiked

across the country, and auto
manufacturers began to heavily

market them as luxury items.

The new American auto motor's
benchmark l -- roomy, sleek,

stylish, sophisticated, and sexy.

Much more than transportation, it gets
you exactly what you're looking for.

In just two years,
Ethan and Micah made enough

money to buy an entire floor
of their dormitory, which now

houses the van offices.

America's love affair with vans
seemed to know no bounds, but it

learned some bounds thanks to one man.

His name is Ames Mackenzie,
and he's suing American Auto.

I bought one of their vans
and drove it around for two

weeks, approached girls at
parking lots and parking

garages and strip malls, regular
malls, sports arenas, turnpike

rest areas, uh...Carl's Jr.

Parking lots, Arby's parking
lots, Rax Roast Beef's parking

lots, um...parks, dog parks,
Del Taco parking lots.

Did I say sports arenas?

Yes, you did.

Sports arenas and the marina, and
none of the girls would even

get into the van, let alone take
off their top and do stuff.

So, here you
are, stuck with a lemon.

A lemon with the premium package.

Heated seats?

Heated seat belts.

I understand why
you're suing American auto, but

why would you sue [Bleep] Van?

Well, first of all, I work as a
file clerk at a law firm, so

the paperwork's nothing.

Everything on our website is 100% real.

So, you guys aren't
worried about this lawsuit?

Sorry if he couldn't
get laid with the van.

It works for us.

You guys -- you guys
are just getting laid all the

time in college, aren't you?

You're just, like... I
think I was born 20 -- 10

years too early, you know?

I, uh... but you can just get a van.

They're stylish.

You should get one.

And that's just what
we did, to find out if their

website was legitimate.

So, Cammie, you've been in
several [Bleep] Van videos.

Are you familiar with the --
No, no, no, no.

That's --
No, no.

Just --
You can put your shirt back down.

It's okay.

Um...where was I?

Uh...right.

Have you heard about
the lawsuit going on?

Oh, yeah.

I saw that guy suing on TV.

He probably had a dirty van.

That's why girls wouldn't
get in it and do stuff.

So, you think
the van was the problem?

Maybe.

I mean [Bleep] Vans are always spotless
on the outside and roomy on the inside.

And they're so sleek.

Plus they're comfortable
and kind of sophisticated.

Do you think --
No, no, no, Cammie.

No, no. Stop, stop, stop.

Just...pull it down.

It's not necessary.

It's really hot in here.

Everything's heated.

I don't know.

Maybe the van wasn't clean
enough to be enticing.

No, it was detailed before I got it.

Do you smell something?

I ate salami yesterday.

I-I-I-I think that's
possible it might be it.

[Bleep] Van appeared to be
guilty of nothing more than

providing a file clerk with an
outlet for his paperwork skills,

until "Newsreaders" received a
call from somebody -- an insider

who said they had inside information.

I had to say something.

Is that you, Cammie?

No. No.

The source, who
we'll call Woodward, because

calling her deep throat would be
too on the nose, decided to come

forward because she had seen too much.

Please, just put your top down.

Look, I know that's you, Cammie.

[Bleep] Van is not what you think it is.

I was in 20 videos, and all of
a sudden, they fired me, and I

lost my health insurance.

They give you healthcare?

And dental.

Full premium package.

Fully heated.

That doesn't make any sense.

It will when you read this.

That folder contained a
Pandora's box of shocking revelations.

These documents told the untold
story that some very powerful

corporate interests did
not want to be told.

According to one American auto
internal memo [Bleep] Van was

not the work of two enterprising
college students, but like the

Bonnaroo music festival, sprang from
a polished corporate boardroom.

Yes, we are completely
behind [Bleep] Van.

So, you don't deny this?

No. No.

We're very proud of it.

It was brilliant advertising.

We gave those two kids a van.

And you sent them out
on the street to make videos

of themself having sex with
girls they just picked up, huh?

No, actually, we told them to
have sex with their girlfriends,

then make it look like they
picked them up on the street,

and then we created a website
for them, and the videos just

went off the charts.

Even more successful than any of the
alternative music festivals we've created.

Even Coachella?

Yeah.

Then we launched the Benchmark L
commercials and --

To coincide with the
success of the [Bleep] Van website.

Yeah, the van sales
went through the roof.

So, you're not only an auto
manufacturer, you're a porn producer.

I wouldn't call it porn.

What would you call it?

Um... sexy van...stories.

Pornography. N-no?

Stories.

Stories.

Human interest.

We had student loans.

American auto gave us
the vans, the scripts.

What? They gave
you "Hella bangin'"?

Man, listen to yourself.

No one says that.

American auto totally came
up with "Hella bangin'."

And you, Cammie, I
mean, why are you blowing the

whistle when you were
in on this whole thing?

Ethan and I broke up and the car
company wouldn't let us have

sex on camera unless we were together.

American automotive is a
real conservative company.

Bro, I mean, I
personally watched videos of you

having sex with over two dozen women.

Mm. Yeah.

I'm a total serial dater.

Totally defines himself
by who he's dating.

That is the wussiest
thing I've ever heard of.

I have a poet's heart.

Dude, like, what--
what happened to us?

What are you talking about?

You know, downing brews
and, like, hangin', bangin'.

Banging what?

Like, you know,
bangin' -- hella bangin' --

we told you no one says that, man.

You deceived the
American public, and you

encouraged young girls to think
that it's okay to have sex with

strangers in moving vans.

We are an auto manufacturer.

Mm-hmm.

We have done way worse things than this.

Such as?

The annual California wildfires, periodic
e. coli breakouts in fresh produce,

burning man, the Exxon Valdez,
cat vomit, hepatitis "B," but

not "C," uh... the zodiac killer.

That was you guys?

No, but only because
we didn't think of it.

I mean, you're
kind of an evil person.

Do you have any other questions for me?

Finally tonight, a few
thoughts from Skip Reming.

My grandchildren, Rider and
Madison -- yes, those are the

names their parents actually
chose to give them -- always ask

me why things used to be so
much better in the olden days.

My answer's always the same.

First of all, when kids used
to ask questions, they did it

looking you in the eye, wearing
a shirt with a collar and shoes

with leather soles.

And then I tell them things were
better because cigarettes tasted

like burning flesh.

A man was a man.

It was illegal for doctors to
turn a penis into a vagina.

You could lease a new horse
every year, Turkey sandwiches

were a quarter, and prostitutes
were two Turkey sandwiches.

But these kids aren't listening,
not even looking at me.

They're off in a corner, playing
a ninja video game in their

[bleep] rubber-soled shoes
that light up when they walk.

Coming up next week,
with summer vacations just

around the corner, we have a
story that may make you think

twice when planning that
Vietnamese sex-tourism adventure.

Their brochures promised
exquisite sex workers.

And I flew all the way over
there, went to like 12 different

brothels, and none of the
girls would have sex with me.

If you would like a
transcript of tonight's program,

use both your DVR and a
computer, and you can probably

knock it out in a couple of hours.

I'm Louis LaFonda.

Good night.

Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com