Original subtitles

# Terrible Tudors Gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

# Romans rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greek, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that

# And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to

# Horrible Histories. #

Horrible Histories presents...

- Romans!

Have you heard about our new Roman laws?

- Have you heard about knocking before you come in?

- That's right, us Romans have finally

taken our traditions

and unspoken rules and written them down, making laws.

- Is there one about knocking before you come in?

- Shhh, you!

Welcome to the all new, 12 Tables.

The foundations of Roman law that you have to live by.

Building a road?

Our new laws state that each road should be at least

eight feet wide.

How wide is yours?

- Seven feet. - Start again.

- You can't make me do that, I've already done 35 miles!

- Sorry, that's the law.

- Grrr!

- Selling your child into slavery? There are rules against that.

Yes! - Oh great. - Come on!

- You're only allowed to do that...

- Aha! - Ah, off you go then.

Come back soon, yeah? So we can sell you again.

- LAUGHTER

- # Do-do-do-do-do!

# Do-do-do-do-do!

# Skibiddy-wap. #

- SMACK!

- Evil singing?

Ha!

There's the death penalty for that.

Stop hitting me.

There are even laws dedicated to women.

- Do you mind? This is a funeral!

- And you're crying excessively.

That's against the rules

at a funeral.

- What about him?

- There are no rules about men crying at funerals!

Are you OK, hon?

- Who wrote these laws?

- Men, of course.

So, if you want to be as happy as these two, get the...

- Why would we need 12 tables? We've already got one!

- CHUCKLING - Not that kind of table, silly.

- CRASH

- Yes, find out about The 12 Tables of Roman Law.

These laws are so good, that some of them

will still be around in over 2,000 years.

- Is there anything about hitting an annoying salesman over

the head with a big lump of bronze?

- Well, not exactly.

- Right.

- Oof!

- The 12 Tables of Roman Law.

A law for every occasion, almost!

- Uh, that's my line.

- Sh, you!

- GROANS

Yep, throughout history there have been some very strange

and unfair rules.

Don't fish in the sewer!

Don't lick your feet when you're eating!

Honestly, a lot of the time it's like people are making it

up as they go along.

Take William the Conqueror, he became King of England in 1066,

and decided to change some laws to make them less harsh.

To be honest, I think some people wished he hadn't bothered!

Oooh!

- You killed my cousin!

Therefore, your life, we forfeit.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys!

You don't need to swing axe, you need to chillax, am I right?

- SHRUGS

- I'm King William, yeah?

Winner of the Battle of Hastings,

and as the new King,

I get to make the laws now, you feel me?

- He's a murderer, though.

- And would more killing really be the answer?

Do we have to be those guys?

Wouldn't it be better if we could find another way?

- It would, it definitely would.

- Oh, yeah. Big surprise you're saying that.

- This guy, he messed up big time.

But are any of us perfect?

- It's not really the point, he murdered...

- OK, I feel a new law coming on.

As the first Norman King of England,

I proclaim the end...

..of the death penalty.

- Yeah, boy!

- We will find better ways of living our lives.

- Right, thank you everybody.

It has been intense but, er...

- Whoa! Where are you going?

- I thought we were done.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm not letting you go, no way.

I'm going to...

..poke out his eyes and chop off his dangly bits!

- Eyes and dangly bits.

- Whoa! A bit extreme.

He'll...he'll die anyway, won't he?

- Possibly, I mean, it'll definitely be slow and painful.

- Well, if that's the case,

I might just go back to the straight execution.

- He's comfortable with that, I'm fine with that.

- Ah! No executions, we are NOT monsters!

- OK. Start with the eyes.

- I can't do this, I just feel uncomfortable, I'm sorry.

- Whoa! You know, I am so touched you felt you could say that.

You know, not enough people say no to their King. - Never, never do.

- No, no.

- I think we were all getting a bit, like, hot headed.

You know when men get in a group and we just, kind of go a bit crazy.

- Yeah!

Unfortunately, I am going to have to

find you guilty of disagreeing with the King.

So, punishments, maybe I chop off his hands?

- Chop off his hands for disagreeing with the King.

- Sorry, you can't chop off my hands! I'm a...

- Uh-oh! More disagreement!

Better lose the feet, too.

- You can't do this.

- Look, look, I'd stop arguing at this point.

- And his nose.

- Why?!

- Nose, a good shout, yeah.

- Well, at least you get to keep your dangly bits. - OK, guys. We all good?

Isn't this a much nicer way of doing things?

- Absolutely not. In my case I wasn't even...

- Seriously, people are going to love my new laws.

So much more civilised!

Great chat!

- Right, hands up who was the eyes and dangly bits.

- Oh...

- Chop, chop!

- Henry VIII in the house!

Now, I love coming up with new rules,

but did you know I once had the law changed because of soup?

Mmm, soup.

It's nutrish and delish.

Now, in 1531 the Bishop of Rochester's cook, Richard Roose,

said that as a joke, he'd put something in the Bish's soup

which would make anyone who ate it poo a lot!

- Hilarious!

Unfortunately, 17 people were taken ill and one woman actually died.

Turns out, he'd poisoned them by mistake.

So, after this I had the law changed to classify poisoning as treason

and punishable by death.

But how did I decide the poisoner should die?

Was it...?

The answer is...

And that's what happened to Roose,

all because he tried to make poo soup as a prank.

- Who's that?

Probably the dog...

Laters, rule breakers!

- CHUCKLING

Well, we've seen some rule MAKERS.

So, what about rule BREAKERS?

When you break the rules at home,

you might get sent to your room,

or banned from chewing the cereal boxes and weeing in the cupboard.

Oh, er, p-probably a rat thing, the last one.

Anyway, it can seem really unfair, but trust me,

things were worse and much stranger in the past.

- Peter of Privy Lane.

You stand accused of theft,

how do you wish to be judged?

- I choose trial by combat, my lady.

Let my accuser and I fight to the death!

- SWORDS CLATTER

- And by the blood on my blade, you shall know that I am innocent.

- Very well,

a fight to the death.

Alderman Plank,

you are accused of disloyalty to your lord.

Choose your judgment.

- I choose trial by ordeal.

Let a red hot poker be placed in my hand.

God shall heal the festering wound and you shall know I am innocent.

- So be it.

Master Carter...

Your crime is poaching,

make your choice.

- I choose trial by cake.

So, I'll eat some cake,

if it be God's will, it will go down nice and smooth.

Then, you'll know I'm innocent.

- Master Carter has...

Yes?

- Sorry, I didn't actually know that cake was an option.

- MURMUR OF AGREEMENT

- The cake is marked with the name of our Lord.

No guilty man will be able to swallow it.

- Yeah, no, sure, but s-still, you know,

a burning, festering hand wound...

..cake.

- Yes, yes. I, too am interested in the cake option.

- Trial by combat is a noble path, Peter of Privy Lane.

- Yet, cake is awesome and doesn't cut off my leg.

- Very well, bring out the cake!

- INTENSE MUSIC

- That's not cake, that's a biscuit.

- I should warn you, it is very dry cake.

- Oh, I'll cope.

- 'Tis said that Earl Godwin of Kent

was tried by cake and choked to death.

- Yes, well, my cousin chose trial by combat and got cut in half, so...

- There's more! The cake will be cleansed of evil by a priest

and it may have some cheese on top.

- Oh, I love a bit of cheese!

- Sheep's cheese!

- Hmm, it could be worse, it could be blue cheese, urgh! - Yes.

I have decided, God will prove my innocence

with cheese and biscuits.

Lock it in, Lady Gauge.

- Me too!

- We only have two portions of cake.

- Oh! Grrr!

- You snooze, you lose.

- So, what's it going to be, trial by combat or trial by ordeal?

CHUCKLING

- Fine, trial by combat, final answer.

- Thank you.

Although, honestly,

I am surprised none of you chose trial by compurgation.

- Trial by what, now?

- Where you swear your innocence on holy relics.

And then, when eventually you do die,

you let God judge you.

- I'll definitely have that one.

- Sorry, mate, you said final answer.

- Yeah, yeah, you did say that. - It's true, yeah, I heard it.

- I heard it, yeah.

- Right, lunch - all this cake's made me hungry!

- Are you a rooster who may be burned at the stake

just for being found sitting on an egg?

Are you a hive of bees facing the law for stinging a man to death?

Are you a wolf accused of witchcraft

after being seen walking on your hind legs?

Were you forced to wear human clothes at your trial?

- GROWLS

- Then, call the Animal Law Practice today!

Whether you're a chicken, a wolf, a pig or even a beetle,

if you've been accused of a crime, I will fight for you!

- SQUEAL

- Unless you're a group of rats facing persecution.

I will not fight for you!

Because we've got a specialist in rodents and justice,

Bartholemew Chassene.

- I defended the same rats...

- FARTS - ..after they were accused of

destroying the local barley crops.

- Ahh!

- I argued the rats had a right to attend the trial,

but that the journey to the courtroom

was too perilous,

due to the numbers of their deadliest enemies, cats!

Lying in wait along the way.

- SCREECHING

- We don't care how hairy you are,

we don't care how many legs you've got,

we don't even care if you're guilty.

- Uh-huh.

- Call Animal Lawyers today!

- BOTH: We will fight for you!

- Be careful, men.

During these times of Civil War, the roads could

be a haven for criminals.

And frankly, we've got a lot of stuff

that they might be interested in.

- Ah, you mean all the gold in our chest?

- I was trying not to draw attention to that!

Whoa!

It's a woman!

In breeches!

Playing the lute!

- Ahoy! The name's Moll Cutpurse.

- Moll Cutpurse! You used to rob people all up and down the country!

You're well famous!

- I am, and I've got the scars to prove it!

By which, I mean they caught me and scarred my hands

to mark me as a thief and teach me the error of my ways.

- Cool!

- It's not cool, it's punishment for breaking our rules.

Pray may it have worked.

- Don't look like it!

Yeah!

- Hey!

Me money!

Ah, me trousers!

- Oh, you're brilliant!

- And yet, she's still just a petty thief, pickpocketing strangers.

- How dare you! I'm in my 60s now, pursuing me true passions.

- Oh, what's that then?

- Doing stick ups. Hand over your loot

and I don't mean this kind.

- Never! You may be able to scare the common folk,

but I am a general of the highest authority...

- CACKLING

- I demand that you follow the rules of society...

- Oh?

- ..and the power of the law...

- Should have told you,

I don't care about the rules to society.

- She's brilliant.

- Are none of you going to help?

- Come on, lads, help me out.

Cutpurse away!

- Oh, the shame.

My breeches are round me ankles!

- Oh, brilliant.

- Of course, if you did break the rules,

it didn't always mean you get punished.

In the past, there have been some weird and wonderful

ways of getting away with it.

Like claiming sanctuary, which

meant you couldn't be arrested as long as you were on church grounds.

Sneaky!

Luckily, monks don't commit crimes.

Well, apart from Brother Peter.

He stole some grey cloth and I'm afraid to say,

he made a habit out of it...

Ah, that's a monk joke.

- Oi! Come back here!

- A-y-y-y...yes!

Woo!

You can't get me now, Sheriff!

- You're cornered.

Right, I'm arresting you for...

- Oi, what are you doing?

I'm claiming church sanctuary.

According to the law,

you cannot arrest me whilst I am inside this church.

- Well, you're not in the church.

- Yeah, but I'm on church land and that counts.

So, you know,

bad luck!

You can get me now, though. - Uhh!

- No, you can't!

You can get me now, though.

You can't get me.

- I'll just wait right here, then.

But eventually, you're going to have to come out and when you do,

I'm going to arrest you.

- Oh, well, I wouldn't count on it.

The law says I have 40 days to decide what I want to do.

- And what's a criminal like you going to do in a church, eh?

- Loads, actually.

Join the choir, meditate. - Nice.

- Squat at a pot.

- No, it's called gardening.

- Anyway, who said I did anything?

- Oh, come off it, nobody claims church sanctuary

if they're innocent.

- Yeah, fair enough, I did it.

- I knew it!

- I stole a pig and I gave it to my girlfriend for a present.

- PIG SQUEALS

- I'm a filthy pig rustler!

But the law is the law.

So, you...

..can't...

..touch me...

- GRUNTS

- All right, Dave?

Are you arresting him?

- Trying to, Caroline, but he's claimed sanctuary, hasn't he?

- Oh, didn't you hear?

- What's that?

- King Henry changed the laws on that last week.

- Did he?

- From now on, all criminals are fair game.

- Is that right?

- Getting out of here. - Oh, oh!

- Oh, come on!

- Oh, would you look at that!

- I was just having a laugh, I was joking!

- Right, you're coming with me!

- VICAR: - Pardon me, I couldn't help overhearing, my child,

did you say that the King has removed the rights of criminals

to take sanctuary on church land?

- That's right, vicar.

- All right, boys, the game's up.

Rob what you can and let's go.

- Oh!

- That's it, run, run, run, run! Move!

- Here, clumsy.

- There had certainly been a lot of rule breakers over the years

and that's why we've needed people to try and stop them.

In the 19th century,

Sir Robert Peel created Britain's first professional police force.

But in those early days,

being a "Peeler" as they were called,

wasn't exactly an easy or popular job.

- Oi! You, come back here!

- WHISTLE BLARES

- You'll never catch me, copper!

- MUSIC: TO THE TUNE OF HARD KNOCK'S LIFE

# It's a hard cop's life for us

# Victorian cop's life for us

# Instead of thank you's, we get hate

# Being a policeman ain't that great

# It's a hard cop's life

- # I used to work on a farm, it was really hard labour

# So, I moved to the city

# Thought I'd do myself a favour

# I'm over five foot nine and also not illiterate

# So, I joined the police force

# Cos I'm the perfect fit for it

- # Respect was what I wanted

# Being a criminal myself

# Needed to join the other side

# Be a lot better for my health

# Thought we'd be sitting pretty

- # Uh-huh, uh-huh

- # But dope it ain't, it's pretty gritty

- # Uh-huh

# It's a hard cop's life for us

# Victorian cop's life for us

# The public hates us

# Rubbish pay, on our feet 12 hours a day

# It's a hard cops life

- # Got no way to supplement my minimum income

# Feel like I'm an idiot

# Being a policeman

# But as part of the reform, part of the new norm

# At least we get to wear a nice new woollen uniform

- # Yeah, but there's a catch

- # Uh-huh, uh-huh

- # It really makes you scratch!

- # P to the E, to the E, to the L

# The 1829 Metropolitan Police Act

# Sir Robert Peel's responsible for our zero hours contract... #

- Out of my way, Peelers!

- # Go on, then, call us names

# It's not like you can miss us

# In Maidstone we've got to grow compulsory whiskers

- # You mean like mine?

- # Uh-huh, uh-huh

- # Got to say, that's mighty fine

- # Uh-huh

# It's a hard cop's life for us

# Victorian cop's life for us

# Have to carry our luncheon

# Only perk is this truncheon

# It's a hard cop's life

# It's a hard knock life

# Yeah, a hard cop's, life. #

Some rules were a bit odd.

Like, the one that said

all mute swans in England belonged to the King or Queen.

That particular rule actually ruffled a lot of feathers...

DRUMS: BA-DUM-TSS

Anyway, that's why I have a goose.

Did you like my egg-cellent joke, Susan?

HONK-HONK

She thinks it honked. Harsh.

Anyway, that one rule put one woman in quite a flap.

Sorting out the beefs of the past...

- Hannibal, you may have taken elephants over the Alps

when you attacked Rome,

but you may not bring them into my courtroom!

- ..with the justice of today.

- There's few enough buns to go round as it is!

- Welcome to...

Dorset based landowner, Dame Joan Young,

has brought Queen Elizabeth I

to court over a disagreement about some valuable property.

- I do love cases involving royalty.

Now, what's this about? Crowns? Sceptres?

- Swans.

- I'm sorry, what now?

- This one's swanning off with my swans!

- Oh, please! They're my swans, not your swans.

All mute swans are the property of the Crown,

ie, me, the Queen, Queen of the swans.

- Oh, swan right off, you swanny-swan!

- Everybody stop saying swan.

Now, Dame Joan, what is this about?

- She's trying to take away my

white, feathery, erm, goose-like, water birds...

- OK, OK, look, you can say it just this once.

- My swans.

- HONKING

- And you've brought them with you, great.

Just what I wanted, my courtroom to smell like a bird bath.

- My swans used to belong to the Abbey of St Peter,

but when King Henry VIII closed the monasteries,

he gave the land, and its swans, to my family.

- They're royal swans and they belong to me!

- Your Honour, my swans are an important part of my estate.

They're beautiful, graceful and delicious.

- Yes, well, I think...

Wait a second, d-d-did you say delicious?

- Mmm, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Roast swan? With yellow pepper sauce?

- O-o-oh! - Daddy's favourite!

- Order! This is Time Beefs not MasterChef.

- Well, we could let the swans decide.

- Or, I could be like a swan and peck your arm

with a single blow of a wing.

- WHIPPING

- Oh, that does it! You shut that beak up, or I will!

- OK, order, order!

We'll have no FOWL play in here!

Get it? FOWL, like, birds...

Let the record show, I made an excellent joke.

Now, everybody settle down,

I'm ready to give my ruling.

- Before you do, perhaps I could offer you a little snackette?

It's a swannish roll.

A sausage roll but more feathery.

- GRUNTING

- No, Your Majesty, I don't take kindly to your bribery.

But, mind you, that does smell like great swan.

That's it, I rule in favour of the Queen

All swans belong to her.

- Ahh! In your face, swan-napper!

- No! Give me my swans!

You! - Ahhhh!

- Get them out.

Er, the court will now take five minutes recess

while I eat my swannish roll.

- SCREAMING

- Do we have any cases involving pickle?

- Bang, bang, bang...

Bang, bang, bang...

- Can I help you?

- No.

Bang, bang, bang...

Bang...

- What are you doing?

- Well, I am banging a gong and shouting, duh!

Bang, bang, bang...

- OK, can you stop? It's very annoying.

- Well, I can stop,

but I won't, because you find it annoying.

Bang, bang, bang...

- Why are you doing this?

- Don't you like loud noises?

I'm surprised,

you seemed OK with making a racket outside my house yesterday morning.

- OK, I'm sorry, it was our marching band practice.

We got carried away, you know, you're feeling the music.

- Hey, forget it. I am!

- Thanks.

- Bang, bang, bang...

- Are you sure you've forgotten about it?

Because it seems like you absolutely haven't forgotten about it.

- Well!

- What's all this?

It sounds incredibly annoying.

- Well, it's meant to be!

- Then, you're under arrest.

- Arrest?

- Being annoying is against chapter 22 of the 1860 penal code,

and you just confessed.

- Oh, how you like me now?!

Marching band practice is back on!

Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

You're going to prison, baby!

Eating the prison dahl, oh!

There's barely any spices in there.

Gong, baby. Gong.

- TUTTING

- What?

- That was pretty annoying.

You're also under arrest.

You know, you could both serve up to two years in prison

for being annoying?

- Hey, come on! Hey, now, you're being annoying.

- Would you like to report a crime? - What?

- You said my colleague was being annoying, that's a crime.

I'm arresting you for being annoying,

while arresting them for being annoying.

Although, I imagine that must be pretty annoying.

So feel free to arrest me in return.

- Who came up with this law anyway?

- The British Raj.

- BOTH: Ah.

- Now THEY are annoying.

- Tell me more.

- So...

- Oh, my goodness, guys, we have the most special show for you today.

We are going to be springing a surprise on a servant

that has been working very, very hard. - Not at his job!

- No, he is a terrible servant.

He has been working very hard on his fashion.

- Seriously, we could not make this guy look any better,

so let's meet him.

Robert Linton, servant to Queen Elizabeth?

- Yes. - You look amazeballs.

- It should be against the law

for a servant to look that good.

- And guess what? It - is - against the law.

- What? - You're going to prison for looking so fabuloso!

- HE MOCK-SCREAMS

- I don't want to go to prison. You're both dressed exactly like me.

- Of course. We are courtiers. We are allowed to look this fabulous.

- But a lowly servant boy like you needs to look

as unimpressive as you actually are.

- We are here to keep you out of prison, mate.

- Yeah, we're going to be giving you our first-ever make-under!

- Wha-ha-hat?!

- Do you know what? His big, padded, fashionable Tudor bottom

looks fantastic! I mean what have you got stuffed down there?

A couple of cushions? Now Tudor fashion laws say

servants are only allowed 1.6 metres of padding.

- Them's the rules!

- What? I'm not allowed to have

a metre and a half of padding on my bum?

- Oh, no, you're not allowed any on your bum.

You're supposed to wear it on your legs, not your backside.

- And what do you call this? It is divine!

- It's silk!

- Uh-oh! Somebody call the fashion police.

- Whoop-whoop! - It is against the law for anyone lower than a baron

to wear silk or satin in Tudor England.

- What?! - So let's put that flash in the trash!

BOTH: It's time this servant got served.

Before we met Robert, he was dressed to impress.

- But, thanks to us, he's gone from fab to drab.

Oh!

- Ooh! - I look awful.

- You are welcome.

- You look plain, boring. It is so you.

- Just as a servant of your rank should look.

WEAKLY: - Yay! - But there's no need to look

as miserable as your sad little outfit.

- Cos guess what? You're not going to prison any more!

CANNED CHEERING

And we've got another surprise for you.

It's only Queen Elizabeth!

- Hello! Yes, it's me!

- Yes, Queen!

- Now, the all-important question.

What do you think of our servant?

- Him? I barely noticed him when I came in.

- Our work here is done.

- And you, you look amazing!

How much padding you got in those trunks?

- I'm not wearing any padding.

- Oh.

- That's all we've got time for for today's make-under.

Until next time!

- Did you hear what she said. - Yeah. - Ah-ah.

- Sometimes in history, there have been rules that were so unfair,

they needed changing.

And changing those rules meant breaking them.

That's what the suffragettes were doing when they protested

about women not being allowed to vote.

One famous protestor was Rosa May Billinghurst,

She didn't let any rules get in the way of fighting for her rights.

- # I am not a stranger to prison life

# Lock her up, they say

# Cos we don't like your violent ways

# I am not ashamed of what I've done

# In the name of women's rights

# I'm prepared to get in fights

# And I don't care if I have to make a fuss

# Chain myself to Buckingham Palace

# I am rebellious

# When you chuck me out I'll get back in

# You can bang me up but I'll still campaign

# I'll even conquer strike, wait and see

# Just watch me

# We're trying to change society

# We just want rights

# And to be finally free

# Sometimes it takes a brick

# And a hammer, too

# To make your message stick

# You can chain my hands

# But not my heart

# And that will drive me on

# And I'll never give up, never, never

# I'll never give up, never, never

# Never give up, never, never

# Till there's equality. #

Sometimes you have to break the rules.

- And they belong to me.

Daddy loves a bam.

- Sheep's cheeks...

LAUGHTER

- # The past is no longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed - Horrible Histories. #

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