All language subtitles for Horrible Histories s10e15 Kings and Queens.eng

# Terrible Tudors Gorgeous Georgians

# Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy
castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description
Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes
Punishment from ancient times

# Romans rotten, rank and ruthless
Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and
measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that

# And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to...

# Horrible Histories. #

Horrible Histories presents...

Hello, loyal subjects.

King Rattus here with a special look
at some of history's best

and worst kings and queens.

And let me tell you, it's not easy
being a monarch.

- Your bath is ready, Your Majesty,

and the feast will be served at ten.

- All right, so it's not all bad, but
it can be really tough.

And hard times can start even before
you take the throne,

just ask Marie Antoinette.

- Guys, what an incredible show we've
got for you today.

I'm famous French hairdresser, Sieur
Larsenneur.

- And I'm portrait artist Joseph
Ducreux.

And we are here to collect an Austrian
princess.

Say hi to the viewers!
- Hello.

- This princess knows she's heading to
France to marry

Prince Louis, who's going to be king
one day.

- What she doesn't know is how much
the French public will hate her

if she looks Austrian.
- What?

- They literally won't let her into
the country looking like this.

- They'll rip her to shreds!

Which, quite frankly, would be an
improvement.

- So we're here to make this Austrian
wench look really French.

- DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

- Now, I'm thinking we'll call you
Marie Antoinette.

- But that is not my name, my name is
Maria Antonia.

- Not any more!

We're changing it to Marie Antoinette,
it sounds more French.

- Future queen of France, let's dance.

- What is going on with this hair?!

You've got it scraped back so far,

it's pulling out the roots in clumps!

- But it's very fashionable in
Austria. - That explains everything.

- At the moment, honey, this forehead
gives me a sore head.

- OMG, you are so right!

That's why when I was sent to Austria
to paint you,

I painted what I wanted to see, not
what I did see.

She is so fresh, so fly, so French.

- It doesn't look anything like me!
BOTH: - Exactly!

- So good.
- Thank you.

Wow, it's magnificent.
- I know.

Now, sweetie, we want this makeover to
get you smiling again,

but only after we've fixed your
disgusting Austrian fangs.

- Look at those jagged little teeth
pointing out all over the place,

it's like, "Guys, pick a direction!"

- So we're going to give you a very
beautiful

and very straight smile, and all it
will take

is some light dentistry,

using these state-of-the-art metal
tools!

- Oh, won't that hurt?
- You won't feel a thing. - Oh.

- Because you'll feel everything! We
don't have pain relief.

- Open wide! Let's make your dentures
all Frenchers.

- SHE SQUEALS

- When we met Maria Antonia, she was a
real no, no, no-nia.

But Marie Antoinette is tres chic,
she's glamorous,

she can barely move her mouth after
agonising dental surgery,

but she is fit for France.

Oui, oui, oui, oui, oui.

- CHEERS:
- Oh!

- So what do you think of your
transformation, are you happy?

- SHE WHIMPERS

- Oh, she's speechless!

- And now you're finally ready to
enter France and marry a prince.

Yes, queen!
- This is the happi...argh,

happiest day of my life.
- Oh!

- But let's dance!
- Woo!

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC WINDS DOWN

- Yeah, we probably should have worked
on her dancing, too.

- Definitely.
- Please just stop, you're embarrassing everyone.

- Oof! A bit awks to be Marie
Antoinette,

but totally amazeballs to be me,

King Henry VIII. Ooh! Good times.

But do you know what the best thing
about being king is?

Having a loving, supportive,
uncomplicated royal family

around you, who have always got your
back no matter what you do.

At least, that's what I've heard.

I mean, my family's nothing like that.

Yeah, first few days with the new wife

and things seem to be going well.

Jane...something.

This is my third and final wife.
"Henry VIII and his three wives,"

people will say.

Ha-ha-ha, big hug!

- You know what would be, like,
really, really amazing? - Yeah?

- Getting the whole family together
for, like, a big

kind of get-to-know-you party.

- Really? Will there be food?
- Yeah, sure!

- Then a brilliant idea, yeah, invite
everyone. - OK.

- Jane, quick, get out.
- Argh!

- Stepmother, dear...
- Yeah.

- ..why don't you let me send out all
the invites to the party?

- Oh, Mary, this is so sweet of you!

Do you know what, I was actually a
tiny little bit concerned

that you might be a bit angry, what
with Henry saying

that you weren't a princess any more.
- Yeah.

- No, as if!

That's all ancient history!
- Yeah, ha-ha! - Phew!

Hands in for family.
- Oh. - One, two, three, happy families!

- Happy family!

Well, this is nice, isn't it?

Family's all here...
- Yay! - ..food's all here, bonza! Let's eat.

- Actually, Dad, not everyone is here.

- Really? Jane's here...
- Hello!

- ..you're here, Elizabeth is here.

I'm assuming my exes aren't turning up
because I...

HE IMITATES SLITTING

Sorry, I know that's insensitive. No
offence, girls, they were your mums.

- But we're not all your children, are
we?

- Henry FitzRoy in the house!

- Hey, Dad, I got me invite!

- Well, I did say I'd invite everyone,
didn't I?

- Yeah, sorry, so Henry is my son.

I wasn't married to his mum, so he
technically can't be king,

although he is awesome.

So if we don't have a son, then I'd
want him to be king over the girls.

Again, no offence, girls. Let's eat.

- That's still not everyone.

- Really?
- We're just getting started.

- Hi, Dad.

- Hi.

Thomas...Stukley.

Stukers.

So I knew Thomas Stukley's mum, quite
well.

Very well, actually.

Erm, I mean, there was pure
speculation, obviously,

I mean, no-one can be sure.

Shall we eat?

- Don't get too comfortable, Daddy,
I've just started.

It's Catherine and Henry Carey.

Look, Elizabeth, it's your cousins, or
potentially half-siblings.

- Two of them, ha!

- This is going to be a really long
evening for me.

Everybody knows I went on a couple of
dates

with Anne Boleyn's sister, Mary.

It's not a secret.

Also, sorry, how do they have beards?

They're 11-year-old children, and one
of them's a girl!

- The glue-on beards were my idea.

Nice touch, don't you think?

- Well, this is nice, shall we eat?

- Uh-uh.

Oh, look, it's Audrey Malte and John
Perrot.

- How many children do you have?

- Look, Jane, I'm a complicated guy.

I may have had a few...

COUGHS:
- Lots.

- ..lots of kids who can't technically
be royals because

I wasn't married to their mums, and I
may have

disinherited Mary from her right to
the throne,

and I'm going to do the same to
Elizabeth, probably.

But does that all really make me a bad
dad?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, it does. Shall we eat?

So nice to meet you all.

- Greetings, I am King Athelstan.

- FARTING

- I was... ..I was considered the
first king of the English. - Ha-ha-ha!

- Right, give me that!

- Oh, but that's my axe!

- HE CHUCKLES

- I was also the adopted father of the
young Viking king of Norway, Haakon.

- LAUGHTER

- Haakon, put the guard down!

- Fine!
- Ow!

- But how did I end up adopting lovely
little Haakon?

Was it...?

The answer is C.

Those crafty Vikings put him on my
knee

when I wasn't expecting it,

and under the custom of Knesetja, I
had to adopt him.

- Fire!
- Ow, ow!

- Haakon's dad thought he'd insult me
by making me raise his son for him.

Well, the joke's on him

as I really like little Haakon.

- Fire again!
- Whoa, come on!

- Who keeps firing arrows?

- The best thing about being a royal
is you get to make up the rules,

like my one banning soap.

HE LAUGHS

But I'm not the only monarch to make
up new weird and wonderful rules,

and in the past they've been a lot
stricter. Mm.

- You killed my cousin, therefore your
life be forfeit.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys!

You don't need to swing axe, you need
to chillax, am I right? - Huh?

- I'm King William, yeah?

Winner of the Battle of Hastings, and
as the new king,

I get to make the laws now, you feel
me?

- He's a murderer, though.

- And would more killing really be the
answer?

Do we have to be those guys?

Wouldn't it be better if we could find
another way?

- It would, it definitely would.

- Oh, yeah, big surprise you're saying
that.

- This guy, he messed up big-time but
are any of us perfect?

- It's not really the point, he
murdered...

- OK, I feel a new law coming on.

As the first Norman king of England, I
proclaim

the end of the death penalty.

- LAUGHS:
- Yeah, boy!

- We will find better ways of living
our lives.

- Right, thank you, everybody, it has
been intense but...

- Whoa! Where are you going?

- I thought we were done.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, I'm not
letting you go, no way.

I'm going to poke out his eyes

and chop off his dangly bits.

- Eyes and dangly bits.

- Whoa! A bit extreme.

He'll die anyway, won't he?

- Possibly. I mean, it'll definitely
be slow and painful.

- Well, if that's the case, I might
just go back

to the straight execution.

- He's comfortable with that, I'm fine
with that.

- Uh-uh, no executions, we are not
monsters!

- OK, start with the eyes.

- I can't do this, I just feel
uncomfortable, I'm sorry. - Whoa!

You know, I am so touched you felt you
could say that,

you know, not enough people say no to
their king.

- Never.
- No, no. - I think we were all getting a bit,

you know, when men get in a group and
we just kind of go a bit crazy.

- THEY LAUGH

- Yeah. Unfortunately, I am going to
have to find you guilty

of disagreeing with the King.

So...punishments?

Maybe I chop off his hands.

- Chop off his hands for disagreeing
with the King.

- Sorry, you can't chop off my hands,
I'm a...

- Oh, more disagreement!

Better lose the feet, too.
- You can't do this.

- Look, look, I'd stop arguing at this
point. - And his nose.

- Nose, a good shout, yeah.

- At least you get to keep your dangly
bits.

- OK, guys, we all good?

Isn't this a much nicer way of doing
things?

- Absolutely not, in my case, I wasn't
even... - Not really.

- Seriously, people are going to love
my new laws, eh?

So much more civilised. Great chat!

- Right, hands up who was the eyes and
dangly bits.

- Oh.
- Chop, chop!

HE LAUGHS

- Attention, people of the Zulu
nation,

our warrior king, Shaka Zulu, has some
extremely sad news.

- My mother, Nandi, is dead.

- THEY GASP

- Not only was she an excellent
protector, but she was the best

chief adviser a marauding Zulu warrior
king could have had!

- THEY CHEER

- As such, I am commanding that
everyone in the Zulu kingdom

will enter a period of mourning.

- And that is the end of the
announcement.

- And in honour of my mother...
- OK, there's a little bit more.

- ..I decree that during this period
of mourning

all 20,000 of you gathered here will
wail for hours on end.

And I want proper tears.

None of this fake tears, like, "Oh,
no, I am sad!"

I want everyone to cry hard until they
are dehydrated.

- And how long would you like them to
mourn for, Shaka,

a day, or two days?

- One year!
- One year?

- Anything less would be a disgrace to
my poor mother.

- And that is the end of the
announcement.

- And also...
- Really, more?

- ..no-one is to plant any crops
during this year of mourning.

- Shaka, that seems a little extreme,
what will the people eat?

- Excuse me, did you not hear that my
mother has died,

and all you can think about is food?

Show some respect.
- Well, you are the King.

And thus, this ends the...
- And also... - No, he's still going.

- ..I want all the milk cows across
the nation slaughtered

so all their calves can feel the pain
that I am feeling right now.

- OK, maybe let's just, you know, dial
this back a little.

- Don't worry about where you will get
your milk,

as everyone is banned from drinking it

in honour of my mother.

Why is no-one wailing?

The year-long period of mourning
started five minutes ago.

- Agh!

- Agh! You call that wailing?

- THEY WAIL

- Yes, cry me a river!

- WAILING INTENSIFIES

- Yes, yes, that is top-notch wailing.

- You are going to kill him for this
and take over, right?

- Yeah, like, almost immediately.
- What did you say? - Oh, nothing.

- THEY WAIL

- Yes, that's it, from the diaphragm.

- When a king or queen comes to the
end of their life,

surrounded by their friends and
family,

or in Shaka Zulu's case brutally
murdered by them, there has to be

a plan for who's going to take over
and how they're supposed to rule.

But what's expected of them can
sometimes be unexpected.

Ooh!

KING EDWARD GASPS

- Prince Edward, His Majesty King
Edward has battled hard

in his fight against dysentery...

- KING EDWARD FARTS

- ..but he does not have long left.

He wishes to speak with you.

- Yes, Father, what is it?

- Son, my time is close at hand.

I want you to promise me one thing.

- Of course, Father, anything.

- I want you to continue my war in
Scotland.

- BAGPIPES PLAY, CHEERING

- Are you sure? We're not doing very
well in the war.

- This is my one dying wish!
- Yeah, OK, of course, sorry.

- HE SIGHS

- I really hate the Scottish, Son.
- I know you do.

- HE GASPS

HE FARTS

- Father? Father!

- HE SOBS

- He's gone!

- There's one other thing.
- Oh!

Yes, Father, what is it?

- When I die, I want you to take my
body... - Of course.

- ..and I want you to boil it so that
all the flesh falls off.

- Boil it?
- Then I want you to bury the flesh in the ground...

- Oh, OK, right.
- ..but preserve the bones separately, keep them out!

- Sorry, Father, where do you want me
to keep your bones?

- Just somewhere convenient, like,
erm, a chest, maybe.

- Right, OK, I feel like I'm going to
regret asking this

but why do you want me to keep your
bones somewhere convenient?

- So that when the Scottish rebel
again, which they will,

you can go up to Scotland with my
bones and ride with them into war!

- OK, yeah, I do regret asking that,
actually.

- As long as you have my bones with
you, Son,

you can never be defeated by the
Scots!

- HE FARTS AND GROANS

- I could feel the light fading. I'm
passing.

- HE FARTS AND GROANS

- Tell my people I died as I lived!

- HE FARTS

- What, hating Scottish people and
farting?

- HE FARTS

- Father? Father! He's gone.

- FARTING

- Oh, how is he still farting when
he's dead?

- Sorry, that one was actually me.

- It's 1586, and Queen Elizabeth has
no children to succeed her,

so it's time to search for England's
next king or queen.

Welcome to England's Got Monarchs.

Let's meet the judges -

the Queen's Adviser, Robert Cecil,

our head judge, Queen Elizabeth,

and Spymaster, Francis Walsingham.

- Right, let's get this over with.

- The first of the Queen's possible
successors to audition

is Philip II of Spain.

- So what are you going to do for us
today?

- I am going to destroy the Church of
England

and restore this country to the
Catholic Church.

I'm also available for marriage if
that makes things simpler.

- Oh, roop!

No, I don't think you're right for
this country, it's a no from me.

- SHE IMITATES BUZZER

Ha! It's a no today, but it'll be an
"Agh, agh, si, si!"

when I return here in a year with my
Spanish Armada!

- I mean, just a terrible attitude.

- NARRATOR: Our next suitor believes

he has a stronger claim to the throne.

- Henry Hastings.

My great-grandmother on my...
- Oh.

- ..mother's side was

a distant...relative to the Planta...

..genet...kings...I think.

- SHE IMITATES BUZZER

Next, someone with an even better
claim, it's Elizabeth's cousin,

and the great-granddaughter of Henry
VII, Mary Queen of Scots.

- Who are you, and what do you have

that the other hopefuls don't?

- FRENCH ACCENT:
- I am Mary Stuart and I've been...

- SCOTTISH ACCENT:
- ..plotting your downfall!

- FRENCH ACCENT:
- I mean, erm, dreaming of being

the Queen of England since I was a
little girl.

- SHE GIGGLES

- I already have lots of experience
because I've been

the Queen of Scotland and the Queen of
France.

- Oh, and are you working as a
professional queen at the moment?

- FRENCH ACCENT:
- No. - SCOTTISH ACCENT:

locked up in a castle for nearly 20
years!

- Oh, yes! You tried to have me
deposed and killed several times.

- FRENCH ACCENT:
- I might have done, I can't remember.

- SHE IMITATES BUZZER

SCOTTISH ACCENT:
- Every time!

- It's fair to say it's not going
well,

and the judges are almost ready to
give up.

- SHE IMITATES BUZZER

- But there's one last hopeful trying
to become

England's next monarch, Mary Queen of
Scots' son, James.

- I'm James VI and I'm King of
Scotland!

- Didn't we just have a Queen of
Scotland? - Oh, my mother.

- And how do you feel about the fact I
have her in prison?

- It's just nice of you to put her up.

- Oh. There's also a chance that I
might, probably will,

have her executed at some point?

- It's tough at the top.
- Oh, I like you.

How do you feel about Catholicism?

- I'm a Protestant, baby.

- Oh! Lizzie likie.

- Oh!
- He's done it!

Say hello to King James I of England.
Well done, mate!

- I can't believe I'm going to be King
of England as well as Scotland!

- Maybe. Frankly, I'll probably leave
the final decision

to my courtiers once I'm dead, but you
enjoy the moment!

- # Oh, yeah, I'm going to be the
English King... #

- Go, you! Yeah, yeah, go, you!

- # Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. #

- Shimmy, shimmy, shimmy.

- James did indeed end up also being
the English King.

Now, sometimes people thought their
kings or queens

were such a pain in the bum that they
tried to get rid of them.

When Guy Fawkes and his gang tried,
and failed, to do just that,

King Jimmy wanted to remind everyone
of Guy's epic fail -

every year, forever. Mm.

- Hey!
- Ha, ha, ha, the fun we had.

This is Jimmy on the street,

I'm James I, or Jimmy VI if you're
Scottish.

And the best day of the year is
finally here -

the 5th of November, 1606,

the day we all celebrate me still
being alive!

Cheer, Robert.
- Yay!

- Yay! My adviser, Robert Cecil, here
is right to cheer, what a day!

You, if you could say one word, what
would it be?

No-one cares. OK, come on!

Whoa, you, unnamed female what are you
doing?

- Erm, building a bonfire.
- Why? - Because you ordered us to celebrate.

- Well, what are you waiting for?

Go burn everything,

to celebrate me not getting burnt.

Yes, one whole day to reflect on what
an absolute blessing

it was that I didn't get bumped off by
that mean, old Guy Fawkes

and his wee pals, and that day's
today, the 5th of November.

- It should be the 4th, really.

- You've got something to say, Cecil?

- Well, Guy Fawkes was discovered on
the 4th of November,

so, technically, we should have
celebrated yesterday.

- Is there a day to celebrate you,
Robert? - No, Your Majesty.

- No, there isn't.

Well, there is for me, pal, and that
is today, the 5th of November!

Which way, which way, this way? No,
this way!

What about you? Oh, you're too wooden.

Ha-ha! Burn, burn, burn!

This thing is just going to keep
getting bigger!

I'm picturing gun salute, bell
ringing.

You know, mayoral processions, and in
July, OK,

Christian of Denmark even brought me a
firework,

which we let off in celebration, tell
them about it.

- FIREWORKS EXPLODE

- It was broad daylight in the middle
of July,

so when it went off no-one could
really see anything.

Which made it all the more impressive.

- He's not wrong! So many chances to
celebrate your fave king, me,

at the 5th of November. Don't forget
that date.

Expecting people to be celebrating
that day for many centuries to come!

- Remember, remember, the 5th of
November.

- That's stupid, that rhyme could
literally apply to any day

in November.
- Well, it could be the 4th of November.

- No.

You, celebrate me more! Why is that
not on fire?

Everything should be on fire!

- Sorting out the beefs of the past...

- Pharaoh Khufu, don't tell me how to
run my great courtroom.

I don't tell you how to build a great
pyramid!

- ..with the justice of today.

- Although pointy side up, just
saying.

- Welcome to...

Empress Dowager Cixi of the Qing
dynasty, China

is going up against her frenemy and
royal rival, Queen Victoria,

regarding a rebellion taking place in
China in 1899.

- Right, now, you might be the
combined rulers

of over 800 million people, but in
this courtroom I'm in charge.

Now, Empress, what's the issue?

- We're having a slight disagreement

about how her country won't stop
invading mine!

- Oh, here we go!
- Erm, talking, sh!

- It all started with the Boxers.

- Oh, I love boxers.

Let's get ready to Rinder!

- No, no, no, not that kind of boxer,
babe.

- The Boxers are a secret society of
people in China

and they started a rebellion.

Now, Britain is using that as an
excuse to invade!

- Ha-ha-ha, classic us!

- So I send telegrams to Queen
Victoria,

reminding her of our special
connection.

We're both older leaders, ruling over
vast populations.

- She is obsessed with me.

Apparently, she has a portrait of me
in her room.

- It's just a small one!
- You see?

- Well, at least I run my empire,

you have hardly anything to do with
your country's decisions!

- Ooh! I am just as much of an empress
as you are!

- Then will you stop invading my
country and stealing things?

- Oh, how dare you? I do not steal
things!

- Oh, yeah? Tell them about the dog.

- QUEEN VICTORIA GASPS

- What about the dog?

- Well, your lovely Rindersty, one of
my returning soldiers

brought me back a darling little
Pekinese from China,

which it just so happened had been
looted from her palace.

But how was I to know it had been
looted?

- They called the dog Looty!

- Yeah, maybe she likes playing the
lute.

- She stole a dog from me, I want a
dog from her. - What?

- GAVEL BANGS

- Right, we're obviously not going to
sort this out today.

I suggest we adjourn and come back
tomorrow.

- Oh, soz, babes, I'm not available
tomorrow. - Why on earth not?

- We're invading China!

- SHE LAUGHS

- You see? Unbelievable!

- Well, it's almost time for me to
hang up my crown

and step down from the throne,

although I'll always be king of the
floaters.

HE FARTS

HE LAUGHS

Not every king can say that with
confidence.

Massive flagships belonging to King
Henry VIII,

Swedish king Gustavus Adolphus and
King Henry I

all sank rather spectacularly close

to where they set sail, and that
certainly didn't float

the kings' boats.

But don't take my word for it, here
they are to play us out.

- Oh, my goodness!

Look at that boat, it's sinking.

- But isn't that boat the White Ship?

- King Henry's son, William Adelin, is
onboard that boat.

- Oh, yeah.

- # We sail big boats but they make us
cry

# The survivor of the wreck told I

# The White Ship went down with the
heir to the crown

# The ship hit a rock and a leak got
sprung

# Cos they took a chance when they
sailed home from France

# They set off in the dark

# They thought it was a lark

# The crew were drunk my heir got sunk

# Didn't make it to shore now there's
going to be war

# Hey, nobles
- # Yeah!

- # Nobles
- # Yeah!

- # Who'll be king now when I die?

- # I use big boats when I fight in
France

# But one took too much of a chance

# The Mary Rose got binned when she
turned in the wind

# The water poured in and she got sunk

# We got right closed, sailors got
hosed

# Lucky like a no-leaf clover

# When the ship tilted over

# She went down, 400 crowns

# But the French Armada they achieved
nada!

# Cos we've got other boats
- # Yeah!

- # Boats
- # Yeah!

- # We like big boats
- # Yeah...! #

- Yo, yo! MC King Gustavus Adolphus

on the decks! Well, on the deck.

# I built big boats to put Sweden on
the map

# The first launch and the crowd began
to clap

# The Vasa was a beaut cost us our
loot

# One gust of wind and she got sunk!

# Errors when it was built made the
ship over tilt

# Its hatches split asunder and the
water dragged her under

# Would have helped us rule the seas
but was sunk by a gentle breeze

# As the world stood and watched they
saw our plans botched

# Hey, you

- # Yeah!

- # Did you see the boat go down?
- # Yeah...! #

- Fancy pretending it didn't happen?

- No.
- No. - Worth a try.

- # We had big boats but they made us
cry

# High hopes but things went awry

# The memory makes us wince cos our
ships took a rinse

# But we're legends ever since cos
these ships got sunk! #

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