Original subtitles

Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians

Woeful Wars, Ferocious Fights Dingy Castles, Daring Knights

Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, Awful Egyptians

Vicious Vikings, Cruel Crimes Punishment from ancient times

Roman, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

Groovy Greeks, Brainy Sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

Gory Stories, we do that

And your host, a talking rat

The past is no longer a mystery

Welcome to Horrible Histories.

Hello there.

Welcome to the Savage Songs special, which has given me a brilliant idea.

All I've got to do is write a catchy song

and I'll be as famous as the great Greek leader, Alexander the Great.

Alexander is my name Macedonia's most famous commander

History calls The Great But I prefer The Greatest

A king aged only 20 When my dad assassinated

Advisors called for calm But frankly peace is overrated

Crushed rebels in Greek city states

So thousands of them martyrs

Made short labour of my neighbours

And that was just for starters

Alexander

Full-time fighter

Made my home rule secure But that wasn't enough

I wanted more, more, more

And so began my master plan to conquer by invasion

Started with Dad's enemy The famous Persian nation

Ruler Darius had far more troops An inconvenience

But I won, then thrashed Egypt I'm a military genius

Founded Egypt's Alexandria

Named for the greatest man alive

I was now Pharaoh and King of Persia

Not bad for 25

Alexander

Victorious fighter

The Greatest sounds flat

How about The Living God?

Yeah, I'll buy that

My loyal followers said "That's the stuff"

But I, a born warrior, said, "It's not enough

"Let's take India Last man there's a fool"

Started wearing Persian clothes Boy, I looked so cool

But made my troops suspicious Men called me too ambitious

Said they wouldn't follow me Guitar solo, Ptolemy...

Cos of me, Ptolemy, he'll go far

He'll found the dynasty that ends with Cleopatra

Then there's Hephaestian My best friend, of course

Unless you count Bucephalus But he's a horse.

Why the long face, my friend?

HORSE NEIGHS

Anyway, together it was going grand

Till Heph and Bucy died and my men took a stand

I wanted to continue but my hands were tied

So I sat in my tent and I cried

Oh-whoa-oh-oh-oh

Alexander

No more a fighter

Adventures had to stop

Cos 323 BC saw me drop...

Dead.

Alexander the Great may have been famous,

but was he as rich as Roman politician Marcus Licinius Crassus?

I doubt it.

I'm Marcus Licinius Crassus No rich man could ever surpass us

Wanted people to say I was brave

But I lost my first fight and hid in a cave

Living there could be a pauper's nightmare

But if you're rich like me then you don't care.

I called my slave to the cave to ask it

To cook a feast and lower in a basket

There's Romans think they're minted But they ain't rich like me

You can't call yourself loaded Till you can buy an army

Ran Rome with Pompey and Caesar

They're more famous than me

But I'm the world's richest geezer There's no one richer than me!

I'm minted

I backed General Sulla Every day my wallet got fuller

Took the land off our enemies to flog it

Used the cash to fill my pocket

If I heard of a house on fire

I'd rush over Be a quick cash buyer

My firemen would then douse the flames

Boom! Another big house to my name

There's Romans think they're minted But they ain't rich like me

You can't call yourself loaded Till you can buy an army

Ran Rome with Pompey and Caesar They're more famous than me

But I'm the world's richest geezer There's no one richer than me.

I'm minted

I bought an army for fighting Spartacus

At the start my men lost heart-acus

I killed one in ten in a killing spree

So they were more scared of me than the enemy

Smashed the slaves It got real gory

But then Pompey stole my glory

To show it was me that crushed the horde

Nailed up the slaves like on a billboard.

They're splinted

Not enough to be a politician

Wanted triumph Took my army on a mission

Got owned by the Parthian Persians

They killed me but you'll hear two versions

The famous one's quite hard to follow

They gave me boiling gold to swallow

But the true way they made me pay?

They used my head as a prop in a play.

Embarrassing

There's Romans think they're minted But they ain't rich like me

You can't call yourself loaded Till you can buy an army

Ran Rome with Pompey and Caesar They're more famous than me

But I'm the world's richest geezer There's no one richer than me!

Ha-ha, love it! Tell me you don't love it! Ha-ha.

I haven't actually written the song yet, this is just a list

of some of the things I plan to do when I'm a rock'n'roll star.

Mainly touring the world and trashing places.

A bit like being a Viking.

Although Vikings weren't just violent invaders. Oh, no.

We Vikings have an awful reputation with your nation

But when we'd finished plundering and pillages

Made nice villages

Any place name ending "thorpe" Or "kirk" or "by" was us, you see

Scunthorpe, Ormskirk, Wetherby, Scarborough Fair

We named them, yeah

We split your isles diagonally From southeast to northwest

Our section called the Danelaw King Alfred ruled the rest

Think we're scary? No, don't flee

Conquered Saxons would find we

Settled and lived in harmony

Vike-Eng-land

Though we began as raiders

So well planned

You accepted us as traders

We introduced some new terms

"Husband", "Gasp", "Egg", "Awkward", "Nag", "Leg"

More than 50 words to leave your lingo

To your liking, thank a Viking

Your little town of Swansea city Named for our King Sweyn

Waterford and Dublin Us old Norse Vikings again

As farmers we made doubly sure To respect agriculture

With us, locals felt secure

Norse-Scot-land

Large parts of that whole region

Norse got land

Were improved by Norwegians

London Bridge is falling down

The nursery rhyme comes from our time

Vikings played key roles

In 1014 it was pulled down by Olafr Haraldsson

You can call him Ol

In a dispute with King Canute Olafr's side won

Ethelred returned as king And could be heard proclaiming

"Here's to you, Olafr Haraldsson"

Vike-Eng-land

We swapped our life of violence

Norse-Scot-land

To enjoy the sound of silence

There's no doubt under Viking rule Britain did improve-y

Feelin' groovy

And that's no lie La, lie, la, la, lie.

You know, writing a hit song may not be all that easy.

I really need to concentrate on this.

Look, you watch the story of a remarkable French teenage girl

and I'll get on.

OK

Pamplemousse

Baguette and brie Are you ready?

I'm Joan of Arc from Domremy

Religious visions came to me

God said, "Save France from the English"

"And make Dauphin Charles King"

Dauphin means heir to the throne

But England claimed the crown as their own

We'd had 100 years of war

This girl had to do something

So I did it like a dude Cut my hair

Gave up wearing dresses Bought a pair

Of trousers, no blouses

Said, "I want to fight Angleterre!"

Charles let me join the army, army, army

Though that might sound barmy, barmy, barmy

I proved impressive

Hit by an arrow and lived

English troops I over-ranny-ranny-ranny

Defeated them at Patay, Patay, Patay

We saved Orleans

And Charles was crowned, tres bon

Me leading troops, a long shot

But I was a lucky mascot

Inspired soldiers with bravery

Fought injured and survived

But in 1430

Burgundians captured me

King Charles wouldn't pay my ransom

No-one told me why

Being prisoner was not my style

Tried escaping from my captors vile

But then the English who'd fought me, bought me

Made me stand trial

So where was King Charlie, Charlie, Charlie?

He'd given up and left me, left me, left me

In the English snare

Whole thing so unfair

Said "Put me in a a-huh n-nunnery"

They said "Don't be uh-uh, f-funnery

"If you dress like a male

We'll put you in men's jail."

Joan of Arc, you're charged with sorcery.

You're just jealous cos God speaks to me.

You say you speak to saints in this discourse.

What language do they speak?

French, of course!

Pah! Now you're in prison. They have failed ya.

I say it's God's plan that you're my jailer!

Here's a trick question, in that case.

Do you think that you are in God's grace?

If I am not, may God put me there.

And if I am, may God so keep me.

Oh, your smart remarks go round the houses.

You're guilty of heresy and wearing men's trousers.

Despite my testimony-mony-mony

Condemned for reasons phoney-phoney-phoney

But my will did not break

So they tied me to a stake

Burned alive was my destiny-tiny-tiny

And here is the irony-rony-rony

My death led France to put on war paint

And crush the English So now I'm a saint.

I've got it, I've got the first line at last!

God save our gracious Queen...!

Hang on, that sounds vaguely familiar. D'oh!

Time for a song about a monarch.

Here's Henry VII, the father of the whole Tudor dynasty.

Of all the kings called Henry, I'm the one you've rarely heard

Shakespeare wrote four, five, six, eight

But seven? Not a word

People think I'm dreary

To some extent I am

But look a little closer...

Glam! Bam! Thank you, ma'am!

I didn't agree With King Richard Three

So I fought him at Bosworth Field

And won victory

How cool does this sound?

I'm the king who found

Rich's crown in a hedge on the winning battleground

The only way to end war and avert further disaster

There's got to be a way to unite York and Lancaster

I'm the original Tu-tu-tu-Tudor

Founder of that dynasty

The man who closes the Wars of the Roses

That's right That's right, that's me

I launched attacks On Lords who earned stacks

Mine was a noble cause to tap them all for tax

They paid their share

Was only fair

To make England rich And me a millionaire

Elizabeth York became My wife for life

That make me a bore?

Joined our family seat That's neat

Made my rule secure

I'm the original Tu-Tu-Tu-Tudor

Returning power to the state

Seemed quite toothless

But actually ruthless

I make the monarchy great

Spent a long time fighting Pretenders to the throne

Lambert Simnel and Perkin Warbeck Said my throne was their own

They claimed they'd been princes

In the Tower, their rule delayed

I said, "This crown ain't big enough for the three of us"

And had one slayed

I'm the original Tu-Tu-Tu-Tudor

King of foreign policy

To end hostile relations

With enemy nations

I asked them to make friends with me

Yeah, the original Tu-Tu-Tu-Tudor

They say dullness my main trait

Well, that's a sad indictment

Cos if you're looking For excitement

My son was Henry VIII.

I'm getting there, I'm getting there.

Time for some more inventive types.

With imagination

Inspiration

Innovation

BOTH: And perspiration

ALL: We revolutionised transportation

Stephenson's the name and my steam engine the best you will find

It was the Rocket It was called the Rocket

It pulled a train To carry passengers

And was the first of its kind

Caused a commotion Doing the locomotion

Was best by miles And won top prize

At the Rainhill Trials

The Lords said it was dangerous Then saw how many tickets could sell

The toffs were off it Till they saw a profit

And so, he paved the way for me I'm Isambard Kingdom Brunel

An engineer and famous pioneer

Railways off pat, a massive hat

And to top that

I was a tunnel-building bridge-creating, hard-grafting

Ship-crafting polymath In search of a way

To take my train through my tunnel Cross my bridge to my ship

And sail me fastest to the USA

My steam ship

It made the trip in just 14 days!

There across the ocean

Was clever old me I'm quite a star

He's Henry Ford Yes, that's what he's called

My assembly line's the first To make it cheap to buy a motor car

From Henry Ford Cars you can afford

I think you'll find

Made just one kind

But never mind

I was the fastest-rating Car-creating

Introducing mass-producing Original Model-T guy

We took his engine A bird wing, some bike skills

Worked until we found out How machines could fly

Not just a hop But nonstop

Going to get high, high, high!

I'm Orville, was the brains The brawn, my brother Wilbur Wright

We refined the plane To make the first sustained flight

Our engine small

But powerful

ALL: Propelled to a great height!

They were supreme

Our mean machines

The stuff of dreams!

We were creative, inventive Progress our incentive

Always searching for a solution

We took some steel and a wheel

Made a plane, car and train

And created a revolution

Hard to believe What we achieved

Looking back We helped change tack

Transport was duller We added colour

Well, as long as it's black.

Time to meet someone who could really write. Good day.

Ooh!

I lived a happy life Till I was ten years old

When debt landed Dad in prison And our country house was sold

Lodged with a lady In her London flat, so cold

Worked at a boot polish factory Labelling jars

Quite dull, all told

Goodness only knows I was a miserable so-oh-oul

For a time, I went to school

But then, I found a job

As a clerk to a lawyer

Oh, it made my poor head throb

I failed to be an actor Despite my loud gob

Ended up reporting speeches Of the Parliamentary mob

Then, as everybody knows

I started writing pro-oh-ose

Put my life into my books

Friends and enemies and crooks

Legal bosses, up they crop

In The Old Curiosity Shop

Fagin, in Oliver Twist?

A factory pal - you get the gist

And although my memory's Quite foggy

Got Scrooge from the grave of Ebenezer Scroo-oo-oo-oo-oo-ooggie

My first book was An overnight sensation

But I drove myself too hard To enjoy the adulation

Despite my wealth My family begged for money

I wrote of it in Chuzzlewit

Which people said was funny

Didn't sell like books before

My family still asked for mo-oh-ore

Little Dorrit is a tale

About my dad in debtor's jail

While Hard Times tells my life

About when I tried to leave my wife

Little Nell's death was my poor Dear departed sister-in-law

And David Copperfield working In a factory...

I must confess that that was Really me-e-e-e-e-e-e-e

In my life, felt shame 'Bout poverty in childhood

Wrote about sadness Suffering and fears

Also wrote about people With funny names

Bumble, Smallweed, Scrooge

Uriah Heep and Wackford Squeers

Whilst writing Edwin Drood

A train crash didn't help my mood

Still I drove myself on

With readings far across the pond

Died before I wrote Drood's end

This sort of thing drove me Round the bend

So Dicken's take a... Dicken's take a bow

And Heaven knows I'm miserable

No-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow.

All right, I give up.

Unlike American heroine Rosa Parks who simply refused to.

I'm Rosa Parks, my story marks The first step towards civil rights

Racial inequality, American policy Till I kicked off a fight

What act of mine Let havoc to ensue?

How come I caused such fuss?

What shocking behaviour did I do?

Well...

- I sat on a bus - You sat on a bus

- I sat on a bus - You sat on a bus

- You want to know why? - Go ahead, tell us!

- I sat on that bus - You sat on the bus

In the '50s, all buses were divided Whites in front, blacks behind

Are you serious?

If the bus filled up we had to Give up our seats or we'd be fined

That's ludicrous!

I made a stand in my home town Montgomery, Alabama

That's dangerous!

Refused to stand for a white man So they put me in the slammer

Discourteous!

December five, 1955 My trial notorious

Black people stood side by side And no-one...

- Got on the bus - We stayed off the bus

- They stayed off the bus - We stayed off the bus

- I meant business! - She inspired us!

- So we stayed off the bus - We stayed off the bus

We organised a boycott Of public transportation

To win R, E, S, P, E, C, T

And force new legislation

Dreamed of the day

The USA had no implementation of...

Spells segregation

From that day on We walked or cabbed

Led by Martin Luther King

Attacked by mobs, our houses bombed

Though peace was our thing

Our plight, it made The national news

Which was mighty strange

Mysterious

When word reached the President He had to make a change

Delirious

One year on, we'd finally won

A victory momentous

The fight for national civil rights Was begun

- Cos I sat on a bus - She sat on a bus

- I sat on a bus - She sat on a bus

- I sat on a bus - For all of us

- I sat on a bus - She sat on a bus

Cos I sat, I sat, I sat I sat, I sat, yeah...

Our story owes A huge debt to Rosa

- We all agree... - I sat on that bus

..She made history

- On a bus - She sat on a bus

She sat on a bus

For all of us

- I sat on that bus - She sat on a bus

- I sat on a bus - She sat on a bus

- On a bus, yeah - She sat on a bus

- I sat on a bus - For all of us.

I think I'll leave the song writing to Gary Barlow.

I'll try something a bit easier.

Like writing a bestselling novel. Cue the big finale.

Stone Age brought you speech

Farms, the wheel and fire

Then, metal was explored Which meant we could make swords

To kill and build empires

Think ancient Egypt was nicer?

Pharaoh's tombs lovely shrines?

But some were living graves For hundreds of poor slaves

And pig's eye was our cure For the blind

Greek civilisation, our creation

Drama and philosophy

But Sparta praised lying Celebrated dying

And Hippocrates drank wee

ALL: We're history

We brought you bloodshed

Greek excursions To battle the Persians

Disembowelling our dead

ALL: Together, we made the world A little bit grim

We're history

Could be fairly dim

We Romans brought you roads

And public medicine

Gladiator fighting Feeding men to lions

Burning Christians That kind of thing, you know

Then came the Middle Ages

Saxons, Normans, Vikings, Celts

A time of invasion Feudalism, famine

Black Death, bubos and welts

1066 saw Harold in a fix

As William conquered all

What was the bettin'

An arrow in his retina Would lead to his downfall?

ALL: We're history

We brought invasion and strife

We attacked monasteries Said, "Give us gold, please"

Then, we took your life

Our crusades meant slaughter

Wherever we'd go

We're history

Was it pretty?

No

Tudor, Stuart, Georgian monarchs Next in line

Brought progress In science and art

Also beheadings, burnings Civil war

Freed colonies, for a start

ALL: We're history

We gave you plague and disease

Travelled, found the Incans Spread smallpox in a blink

And brought them to their knees

Dogs, cats and the French Blamed for plague along the way

We're history

Not such happy days

Victorian technology went Hand-in-hand with poverty

Kids up chimneys and down mines

Improvements to the world Did pick up

Despite some violent hiccups

Two world wars, millions died

ALL: We're history

Our times smelly and gory

We reigned over you And told you what to do

And that is this story

Thought we were amazing

Though you may quibble

We're history

And we made it horri...

ALL: ..ble

We're history.

Tall tales, tragic acts

We gave you all The fearsome facts...

Can't get enough of Horrible Histories?

Then, go to the CBBC website and click on the link.

See you there.

The past is no longer a mystery

Hope you enjoyed...

Horrible Histories!

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