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Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous
Georgians, Slimy Stuarts
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00:00:09,860 --> 00:00:12,659
Vile Victorians, Woeful Wars,
Ferocious Fights, Dingy Castles
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00:00:12,660 --> 00:00:15,579
Daring Knights, Horrors that
defy description, Cut-throat Celts
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00:00:15,580 --> 00:00:17,739
Awful Egyptians, Vicious Vikings, Cruel Crimes
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00:00:17,740 --> 00:00:20,659
Punishments from ancient times,
Roman, Rotten, Rank and Ruthless
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00:00:20,660 --> 00:00:22,259
Cavemen savage, fierce
and toothless, Groovy Greeks
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00:00:22,260 --> 00:00:24,419
Brainy sages, Mean and Measly Middle Ages
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00:00:24,420 --> 00:00:27,139
Gory Stories, we do that
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And your host, a talking rat
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00:00:29,740 --> 00:00:32,619
The past is no longer a mystery
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Welcome to Horrible Histories. #
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This week in Good Day Magazine,
it's our Brunel Special.
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BRISTOLIAN ACCENT: Oi, down here! Hello.
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We've got an exclusive
interview with a little giant.
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00:00:51,660 --> 00:00:52,939
Hey, less of the little!
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00:00:52,940 --> 00:00:55,139
I'm six foot tall if you include the hat.
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00:00:55,140 --> 00:00:56,979
Yes, it's Isambard Kingdom Brunel,
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00:00:56,980 --> 00:00:58,979
the man behind the Clifton Suspension Bridge,
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00:00:58,980 --> 00:01:00,259
the Great Western Railway
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and the transatlantic steamship,
the SS Great Britain.
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00:01:03,100 --> 00:01:05,979
Read how the most famous engineer
in Victorian Britain is also
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00:01:05,980 --> 00:01:07,339
an amateur magician.
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00:01:07,340 --> 00:01:12,180
Watch as I make this half sovereign
disappear before your very eyes.
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Find out how Brunel got a half sovereign coin
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caught in his throat
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and then invented a machine to dislodge it.
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It's not working!
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And read how Brunel's father saved the day.
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Dad, you're so embarrassing! I'm still choking.
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His dad invented a machine
that turned him upside down...
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Oh!
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..to dislodge the coin.
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Oh, look at that! It worked. Well done, Dad.
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Plus the miraculous story of a lucky
escape from one of Brunel's bridges.
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I fell from Clifton Suspension Bridge,
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but my huge Victorian skirt
acted as a parachute and I survived,
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though my dress didn't.
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I landed in a ton of mud.
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Read my shocking story,
only in Good Day Magazine.
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So don't be caught short.
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I'm not short!
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Buy your copy of Good Day Magazine today,
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price only a half sovereign coin.
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But be careful not to
get it stuck in your throat.
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Like me!
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Brunel was a Victorian engineering genius
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but it took his dad's brains
to dislodge a coin he swallowed.
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Brunel knew the coin was missing
when he checked his change
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and realised he was a little short.
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I heard that! >
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Sorry.
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Another brainy Victorian
was a certain Mary Anning.
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CLEARS THROAT
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Excuse me.
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I'm looking for a Mary Anning. She sells shells.
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- Sea shells?
- On the seashore.
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You sure?
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Yes, I'm sure she sells
sea shells on the seashore.
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Are you sure that the shells
she sells are sea shells?
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Yes, the shells she sells
on the seashore are sea shells,
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I'm sure. Have you seen her?
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No. But there is a woman
down there selling fossils, look.
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Thank you.
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Good day, young lady.
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I'm what they call a geologist.
I study old rocks and fossils
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and so on.
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Yeah, I do know what a geologist is.
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I'm sure you do, you clever thing.
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I say, look at this, everyone! An incredibly rare
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and important fossil I found
right here on Lyme Regis beach.
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Err, I think you mean that I found.
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00:03:09,940 --> 00:03:13,539
Why, yes. You picked it up off
the beach because it looked nice
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and pretty, no doubt, but
it takes a proper geologist like me
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to recognise it for what it really is.
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The tail of a plesiosaur.
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No, the wing of a Terrorsaur.
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Really?
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I know more about dinosaurs than
virtually anyone else in the world.
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I've been discovering their
bones down here for years.
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If I wasn't a woman, I'd be
rich and famous now cos of my finds.
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Instead, I'm down here
on the beach with my brother,
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selling my collection to make ends meet.
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00:03:39,700 --> 00:03:42,459
My, what an imagination you have!
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No, it was me who discovered
the first ichthyosaur skeleton
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and worked out it was
a dolphin-like dinosaur, so.
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Now I know for a fact that isn't true
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cos this Royal Society papers,
published by a very famous
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scientist, said it was, um...
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Well, it doesn't say who it was
who found it, but finding it's the easy
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bit. It's cleaning it and preparing
it that's the really hard work.
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Well, that was me as well.
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Look, love. Just cos you found
the odd fossil doesn't make you
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some sort of expert or something.
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The odd fossil? I've been
discovering fossils my whole life!
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I found ammonites, I found
belemnites, I found coprolites...
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Coprolites? What are they?
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00:04:19,580 --> 00:04:22,299
- Fossilized dinosaur poo.
- Oh, goodness!
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00:04:22,300 --> 00:04:24,499
Yeah, I was the first
to identify all of these, so.
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Look, if this were true, I'm sure I'd have met
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you in London at the Geological Society.
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Well, I'm not allowed
to join, am I, cos I'm a woman?
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All right, calm down!
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Oh, no. I am calm cos I discovered
another dinosaur today.
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Really, which one?
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You!
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That is an ammonite.
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That's a belemnite.
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And that is a coprolite.
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Oh, and have another
belemnite while you're at it!
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Elephant catapult?
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ELEPHANT TRUMPETS
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CRASHING
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Huh.
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Yes, us ancient Greeks came
up with a lot of new words,
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and they helped us explain
our groundbreaking ideas.
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Hello, there. I'm an ancient Greek scientist.
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Science, it's all Greek to me.
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Of course it is. I'm Greek!
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That's why I'm able to tell you about the wonders
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of the ancient Greek universe.
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It's amazing!
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Even though we ancient Greeks
lived a very long time ago,
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we were amazing scientists.
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It was us that worked
out that rainbows are a natural
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phenomenon and not the work of the gods.
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They're not made of magic.
They're natural, like waterfalls
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and hamsters.
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00:06:04,740 --> 00:06:06,499
It's amazing!
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00:06:06,500 --> 00:06:09,299
It was an ancient Greek called
Xenophanes who worked out that
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00:06:09,300 --> 00:06:12,099
because we find seaside
fossils on the tops of mountains,
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the surface of the Earth must
have risen and fallen over the years.
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It's ancient Greek scientific fact.
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How else did they get there? They can't walk.
They're fossils!
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00:06:21,340 --> 00:06:23,939
It was us ancient Greeks who
first worked out that the nervous
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system is linked to the brain,
all matter's made up of atoms
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and the sun is the centre of the Milky Way.
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They were all ancient Greek scientific facts.
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All of them! Look at the big brain on us - pwch!
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00:06:35,580 --> 00:06:40,099
We're amazing! We even invented
steam power and vending machines.
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Well, that's all for this week.
Thanks for watching and...
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Sorry, Brian. Sorry. Where's all the crazy stuff?
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What you talking about?
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Well, normally you tell all the
crazy stuff and then I've got to get
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these fellas to come in and cart you away.
So come on! let's hear all
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this mad scientific rubbish
that you ancient Greeks believed in.
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Well, there isn't any. We're just really smart.
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Oh, right. That's lunch everybody.
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Thanks, lads. Cheers, Brian.
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- OK?
- All right.
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Oh, I nearly forgot.
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We also believed that the
planet Earth is floating in water.
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OK, lads. Usual business.
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And that in India, there are
ants as big as dogs that dig up gold
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and eat camels.
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It's ancient Green scientific fact. Amazing!
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You've probably heard of Tutankhamun.
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But have you heard of THIS mighty pharaoh?
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Hello. I have come to
pitch the story of the greatest
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pharaoh of all time.
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You must be King Tut.
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Tut! I am Ramesses the Great.
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Ohargh! Big head alert!
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We'll be the judge of who's great
around here, Mr Ramalamadingdong.
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My name is Ramesses.
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So is King Tut, like, just a nickname?
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I'm not King Tut. I am Ramesses II!
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The Second? You were the Great a minute ago.
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I ruled Egypt for 66 years. Tutankhamun died
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when he was just 18.
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A boy pharaoh. I like that.
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We could give him a pet, like a talking sphinx.
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- Is Robin Williams available?
- I love Robbie Williams!
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Rob-in Williams.
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I love Robbie Williams!
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I am not the boy pharaoh!
I am Ramesses the Great.
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Ohargh!
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Would you please stop doing that?
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Tantrum! Did anyone say diva?
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In his short reign, Tutankhamun achieved nothing.
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I made Egypt the richest,
most powerful place on the planet.
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I waged great wars that
changed the course of history.
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I built countless gigantic monuments.
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Oh, now we're getting somewhere.
So you built the pyramids?
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00:08:36,460 --> 00:08:40,819
Well, no. They'd been there for
a long time before I became pharaoh.
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So you built the Sphinx?
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00:08:43,100 --> 00:08:46,859
Yeah. Again, that was somebody
else, way before my time.
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But I made loads of other stuff.
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The temples at Abu Simbel,
the entire new city of Pi-Ramesses
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and, of course, my incredible
mortuary temple, the Ramesseum.
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00:08:56,340 --> 00:08:58,339
Did you have a famous tomb, like King Tut?
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00:08:58,340 --> 00:09:01,059
Now I've heard of that. It was
filled with incredible treasure.
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His tomb was rubbish!
It was all hidden underground.
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00:09:04,020 --> 00:09:05,699
It was nothing compared to mine.
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00:09:05,700 --> 00:09:08,499
I'm telling you, it's my story you want.
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OK, we're onboard.
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00:09:09,860 --> 00:09:11,659
We are so totally not onboard.
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00:09:11,660 --> 00:09:14,379
Did King Tut, by any
chance, have a talking camel?
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00:09:14,380 --> 00:09:16,499
- Why not? Eddie Murphy.
- Eddie Murphy!
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00:09:16,500 --> 00:09:19,059
Will you stop going on about King Tut?
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00:09:19,060 --> 00:09:21,099
I am the greatest pharaoh of all time!
201
00:09:21,100 --> 00:09:22,379
Me, me, me!
202
00:09:22,380 --> 00:09:24,939
Aruba, aruba, aruba!
203
00:09:24,940 --> 00:09:27,739
Why has nobody heard of me? It's so unfair.
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00:09:27,740 --> 00:09:29,139
Oh, temper, temper!
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00:09:29,140 --> 00:09:30,579
Tut, tut, tut!
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00:09:30,580 --> 00:09:32,699
Oooh! So annoying, people!
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00:09:32,700 --> 00:09:36,219
Bye-bye, Rambo, Rampelstiltskin.
What is his name?
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00:09:36,220 --> 00:09:38,179
Oh, who cares?
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00:09:38,180 --> 00:09:42,059
It was quite common for
posh Egyptian tombs to be stolen.
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00:09:42,060 --> 00:09:45,419
When Tutankhamun died, his
fancy tomb was nicked by his uncle
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00:09:45,420 --> 00:09:49,299
who had him shoved in a
hidden underground one instead.
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00:09:49,300 --> 00:09:52,539
But this meant it wasn't easy
for grave robbers to find it,
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00:09:52,540 --> 00:09:55,059
so it remained intact with its treasures
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00:09:55,060 --> 00:09:58,379
until it was discovered in the 1920s.
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00:09:58,380 --> 00:10:02,539
Which is why Tutankhamun is so famous today. Hm.
216
00:10:02,540 --> 00:10:05,939
Yes, those ancient Egyptians
loved fancy buildings,
217
00:10:05,940 --> 00:10:09,099
so there was an awful lot of construction work.
218
00:10:09,100 --> 00:10:10,579
Stonemason, yeah?
219
00:10:10,580 --> 00:10:13,419
Right, go and join the crew
working on the Sphinx. Cheers, mate.
220
00:10:13,420 --> 00:10:17,739
Oh, I can't wait! Imagine actually
being part of the team that builds
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00:10:17,740 --> 00:10:21,579
Egypt's brand-new capital city,
Pi-Ramesses, from virtually nothing.
222
00:10:21,580 --> 00:10:26,459
Seven square miles of mansions,
temples, canals, lakes,
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00:10:26,460 --> 00:10:30,059
statues and houses for 300,000 people!
224
00:10:30,060 --> 00:10:31,699
I hope I get on a pyramid team.
225
00:10:31,700 --> 00:10:33,659
All right, pharaoh statue. Cheers, mate.
226
00:10:33,660 --> 00:10:36,299
Or a needle. Some of those needles are amazing.
227
00:10:36,300 --> 00:10:38,499
50 foot high, 200 tonnes.
228
00:10:38,500 --> 00:10:40,779
I can't wait to tell everyone
back home about this.
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00:10:40,780 --> 00:10:43,539
Temple Oorah. Thanks, mate. Next.
230
00:10:43,540 --> 00:10:47,539
All right, chief? I am raring
to go, so just put a hammer in my hand
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00:10:47,540 --> 00:10:49,179
and point me in the direction of the...
232
00:10:49,180 --> 00:10:51,059
Horse toilets.
233
00:10:51,060 --> 00:10:52,219
Horse toilets?
234
00:10:52,220 --> 00:10:53,299
Horse toilets.
235
00:10:53,300 --> 00:10:54,739
Horse toilet?
236
00:10:54,740 --> 00:10:56,979
- Yeah, it's where horses go...
- I know what it is, mate!
237
00:10:56,980 --> 00:11:00,499
I left my family hundreds
of miles away and walked here.
238
00:11:00,500 --> 00:11:03,619
I had to hire slaves to look
after my farm so I could be part
239
00:11:03,620 --> 00:11:07,739
of Ramesses II's magnificent
project and you want me to build a...
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00:11:07,740 --> 00:11:09,179
Horse toilet.
241
00:11:09,180 --> 00:11:10,699
I'll be a laughing stock!
242
00:11:10,700 --> 00:11:13,539
There's nothing wrong with
building a horse toilet, right?
243
00:11:13,540 --> 00:11:16,379
Come and have a look at the first one we done.
244
00:11:16,380 --> 00:11:18,819
Look at that, heh?
245
00:11:18,820 --> 00:11:22,299
Years of engineering and genius
have gone into designing that, yeah?
246
00:11:22,300 --> 00:11:25,979
The pillars hold the horse
in place, perfectly positioning it
247
00:11:25,980 --> 00:11:27,939
so it can do its business in the hole.
248
00:11:27,940 --> 00:11:29,379
Imagine it, yeah?
249
00:11:29,380 --> 00:11:31,179
The pharaoh's cavalry,
250
00:11:31,180 --> 00:11:35,619
10,000 horses, all going to
the toilet at once in front of us.
251
00:11:35,620 --> 00:11:37,019
I'd rather not.
252
00:11:37,020 --> 00:11:40,099
Well, not only is it cleaner,
but we're also collecting all the
253
00:11:40,100 --> 00:11:43,339
horse wee to help tan the leather,
to make the armour, the weapons.
254
00:11:43,340 --> 00:11:46,059
Your horse toilet, mate, is helping make Egypt
255
00:11:46,060 --> 00:11:48,539
the powerhouse of the world.
256
00:11:48,540 --> 00:11:50,539
I've never thought of it like that.
257
00:11:50,540 --> 00:11:53,379
These horse toilets are amazing! I'll do it.
258
00:11:53,380 --> 00:11:54,459
Good on you, mate.
259
00:11:54,460 --> 00:11:57,779
Thanks. Only, if anyone asks...
260
00:11:57,780 --> 00:12:01,099
- Oh, I'll tell them you're working on the Sphinx.
- Thank you. Cheers.
261
00:12:01,100 --> 00:12:04,139
- Ta, ta. All right.
- All right. I can get started.
262
00:12:04,140 --> 00:12:05,899
Oh, horses only!
263
00:12:05,900 --> 00:12:07,179
Oh, sorry.
264
00:12:07,180 --> 00:12:08,230
Unbelievable!
265
00:12:18,860 --> 00:12:21,659
Hello and welcome to the News at When. When?
266
00:12:21,660 --> 00:12:25,539
Around 70 years ago when
the United States of America
267
00:12:25,540 --> 00:12:28,899
and the Soviet Union, centred
around modern-day Russia,
268
00:12:28,900 --> 00:12:32,779
decided to try and settle
the growing argument over who was
269
00:12:32,780 --> 00:12:37,339
superior in a way that was
quite literally out of this world.
270
00:12:37,340 --> 00:12:40,779
Here with more details on
this starry story is our very own
271
00:12:40,780 --> 00:12:44,539
Space Cadet, Bob Hale, with
this Space Race report. Bob.
272
00:12:44,540 --> 00:12:45,579
Thank you, Sam.
273
00:12:45,580 --> 00:12:49,299
Well, the year is 1945, World
War II has just ended, and after years
274
00:12:49,300 --> 00:12:52,619
of having to be battle buddies,
America and the Soviet Union can
275
00:12:52,620 --> 00:12:55,419
now finally embrace the fact
that they don't much like each other.
276
00:12:55,420 --> 00:12:57,939
You see, these two superpowers
run their countries in very
277
00:12:57,940 --> 00:13:00,099
different ways called Chalk and Cheese.
278
00:13:00,100 --> 00:13:02,179
Err, I mean Communism and Capitalism.
279
00:13:02,180 --> 00:13:04,339
So have grown to distrust each other intensely.
280
00:13:04,340 --> 00:13:06,899
But luckily, both of them
captured some of the German rocket
281
00:13:06,900 --> 00:13:09,059
scientists who built Hitler's wartime missiles,
282
00:13:09,060 --> 00:13:12,619
which suggests a rather exciting
way to settle which superpower is best.
283
00:13:12,620 --> 00:13:14,619
Rocket pack jousting.
284
00:13:14,620 --> 00:13:17,499
No? OK, then. How about
using missile technology to put
285
00:13:17,500 --> 00:13:18,939
a man into space?
286
00:13:18,940 --> 00:13:21,819
Yes, the space race is on
with an early lead going to...
287
00:13:21,820 --> 00:13:22,859
America!
288
00:13:22,860 --> 00:13:25,619
Who, to find out if it's possible
for living creatures to survive
289
00:13:25,620 --> 00:13:27,459
space travel, start firing monkeys, dogs,
290
00:13:27,460 --> 00:13:29,699
mice and rhinos into outer
space, though not rhinos.
291
00:13:29,700 --> 00:13:32,219
And with the Soviets following
suit, soon loads of animals
292
00:13:32,220 --> 00:13:35,059
are sent off into starry skies,
with many of them never coming back.
293
00:13:35,060 --> 00:13:37,179
I guess they liked it up there... What?
294
00:13:37,180 --> 00:13:39,859
Oh, right. Rest in peace, guys.
295
00:13:39,860 --> 00:13:43,059
Anyway, now the race really
starts hotting up, as both sides rush
296
00:13:43,060 --> 00:13:46,459
towards the next major milestone,
putting an man-made craft into orbit
297
00:13:46,460 --> 00:13:49,059
around the Earth, with the
points, this time, going to...
298
00:13:49,060 --> 00:13:50,099
the Soviets!
299
00:13:50,100 --> 00:13:52,019
Yes, in 1957, Sputnik One,
300
00:13:52,020 --> 00:13:54,259
a radio beacon the size
of a beach ball becomes the...
301
00:13:54,260 --> 00:13:56,539
Thank you. Really helpful, honestly.
302
00:13:56,540 --> 00:13:58,579
Yes, Sputnik becomes the first ever satellite,
303
00:13:58,580 --> 00:14:01,939
but America's not far behind, and
in 1958, they launched Explorer One,
304
00:14:01,940 --> 00:14:03,659
which is about the size of a grapefruit.
305
00:14:03,660 --> 00:14:05,099
Don't even think about it.
306
00:14:05,100 --> 00:14:08,179
And while it's even Stevens, score
wise, the Soviets are now on a roll.
307
00:14:08,180 --> 00:14:10,339
They send an unmanned
rocket right round the moon,
308
00:14:10,340 --> 00:14:12,499
launch a probe to photograph its surface and,
309
00:14:12,500 --> 00:14:16,699
in 1961, after successful tests using a dummy.
.. Yes, very funny...
310
00:14:16,700 --> 00:14:19,579
Russia's Yuri Gagarin becomes
the first ever man in space
311
00:14:19,580 --> 00:14:22,699
and America starts getting
pretty sick of second place. So,
312
00:14:22,700 --> 00:14:25,939
in 1961, US President John F
Kennedy announces that America will
313
00:14:25,940 --> 00:14:28,579
attempt the impossible, to put a man on the moon.
314
00:14:28,580 --> 00:14:31,019
"Not because it is easy, but because it is hard."
315
00:14:31,020 --> 00:14:34,099
The exact same reason why I keep
trying to set the clock on my oven.
316
00:14:34,100 --> 00:14:36,619
So a new series of rockets,
known as the Apollo Programme,
317
00:14:36,620 --> 00:14:37,899
are dedicated to mooning.
318
00:14:37,900 --> 00:14:40,539
Err, err, I mean the moon landing.
But disaster strikes
319
00:14:40,540 --> 00:14:43,339
when a fire during launch simulation
kills the crew of Apollo 1,
320
00:14:43,340 --> 00:14:45,299
meaning Apollo's two, three, four, five, six
321
00:14:45,300 --> 00:14:47,659
become unmanned flights to perfect the design.
322
00:14:47,660 --> 00:14:51,339
Until finally, in 1968, the
USA gets some badly-needed points
323
00:14:51,340 --> 00:14:54,179
when the crew of Apollo 8
become the first men in history to
324
00:14:54,180 --> 00:14:56,259
orbit the moon. And just one year later,
325
00:14:56,260 --> 00:14:59,539
America is finally ready to
do what mankind has always dreamt of,
326
00:14:59,540 --> 00:15:02,619
teaching a pig to tap dance!
327
00:15:02,620 --> 00:15:04,779
Huh? Oh, a moon landing.
328
00:15:04,780 --> 00:15:07,539
That makes more sense with all of this.
I see. No, no, no, no, fine.
329
00:15:07,540 --> 00:15:10,579
So Michael Collins, Buzz Aldrin
and Neil Armstrong climb aboard Apollo
330
00:15:10,580 --> 00:15:12,939
11 with the aim of beating
the Soviets, once and for all.
331
00:15:12,940 --> 00:15:15,379
Their mission is simple. fly
to the moon, land on the moon,
332
00:15:15,380 --> 00:15:18,019
walk on the moon, leave the
moon, fly home and Bob's your uncle,
333
00:15:18,020 --> 00:15:21,019
though only if you're my nephews.
I mean, what could possibly go wrong?
334
00:15:21,020 --> 00:15:23,539
Well, since the navigation
computer was about as powerful
335
00:15:23,540 --> 00:15:26,259
as a chip inside a modern toaster,
I'd say pretty much anything.
336
00:15:26,260 --> 00:15:28,779
But the date's been set, the
cameras are primed and the eyes
337
00:15:28,780 --> 00:15:31,579
of the world watch with bated
breath, which is difficult for eyes,
338
00:15:31,580 --> 00:15:33,699
as on July 20th, 1969,
339
00:15:33,700 --> 00:15:35,139
the Lunar Module, Eagle,
340
00:15:35,140 --> 00:15:38,259
separates from the Command
Module, Columbia, and...
341
00:15:38,260 --> 00:15:41,779
land on the moon! Yes,
the space race is finally won!
342
00:15:41,780 --> 00:15:45,099
A scoreboard-shattering victory
to the US of A, as Neil Armstrong
343
00:15:45,100 --> 00:15:48,459
takes one small step for man
and one giant leap for mankind.
344
00:15:48,460 --> 00:15:51,019
The Soviets accept defeat,
wave goodbye to a moon they never
345
00:15:51,020 --> 00:15:53,659
reached and turn their attention
to building space stations,
346
00:15:53,660 --> 00:15:56,059
leaving America to build
a moon colony with a burger bar
347
00:15:56,060 --> 00:15:57,539
and a coffee shop, right?
348
00:15:57,540 --> 00:16:00,539
Wrong! In fact, only 12
people ever set foot on the moon
349
00:16:00,540 --> 00:16:02,619
and no-one's been there since 1972.
350
00:16:02,620 --> 00:16:05,539
A tragic oversight that
I'm going to rectify right now.
351
00:16:05,540 --> 00:16:08,139
Yes, it's time to take
one small step for Bob Hale,
352
00:16:08,140 --> 00:16:09,179
but one giant leap
353
00:16:09,180 --> 00:16:11,739
with the good people at Bob
Hale's Space Rocket Industries.
354
00:16:11,740 --> 00:16:14,579
Goodbye, Sam. I've always loved you.
Will you wait for me?
355
00:16:14,580 --> 00:16:16,379
- No.
- Well, I'm not going, then.
356
00:16:16,380 --> 00:16:17,430
Fine.
357
00:16:27,020 --> 00:16:29,299
BEATBOXES
358
00:16:29,300 --> 00:16:31,499
What's going on? There's
a horse in the hospital. #
359
00:16:31,500 --> 00:16:34,819
You, you, you! Welcome to me make show.
360
00:16:34,820 --> 00:16:38,339
This week, we is in the Middle Ages. Leave it!
361
00:16:38,340 --> 00:16:40,899
And we is going to be making some gold, yeah?
362
00:16:40,900 --> 00:16:42,419
Yeah. Ha ha!
363
00:16:42,420 --> 00:16:46,659
Showing us how it's done is
my main man, all the way from Italy,
364
00:16:46,660 --> 00:16:50,019
the alchemist Bernard De Treviso.
365
00:16:50,020 --> 00:16:51,340
- Give it up!
- Bon giorno.
366
00:16:52,580 --> 00:16:55,539
Oh, OK. Oh, we're going for three.
367
00:16:55,540 --> 00:16:57,299
Bernie, tell us about yourself, man.
368
00:16:57,300 --> 00:16:59,059
Well, I've travelled the world
369
00:16:59,060 --> 00:17:03,979
and spent my entire fortune
studying the ancient art of alchemy.
370
00:17:03,980 --> 00:17:06,019
What is that, like, a hocus pocus sort of...
371
00:17:06,020 --> 00:17:07,259
It's Middle Ages science.
372
00:17:07,260 --> 00:17:09,619
OK, we're cool, bruv. We're cool.
373
00:17:09,620 --> 00:17:12,779
I bought a secret recipe
for making gold off a monk
374
00:17:12,780 --> 00:17:13,819
in France.
375
00:17:13,820 --> 00:17:15,779
First of all, you're going to need some eggs.
376
00:17:15,780 --> 00:17:19,220
Whoa, hang on! We's going
to be making GOLD out of EGG?
377
00:17:21,340 --> 00:17:23,060
Which I'm cool with, by the way.
378
00:17:24,260 --> 00:17:27,579
Then you're going to need to
mix the eggs with the horse dung...
379
00:17:27,580 --> 00:17:28,619
Dench.
380
00:17:28,620 --> 00:17:30,779
..and leave it to rot for a little while.
381
00:17:30,780 --> 00:17:33,379
And then you're going need to heat the mixture.
382
00:17:33,380 --> 00:17:36,099
So here's some I prepared earlier.
383
00:17:36,100 --> 00:17:39,299
Oh, man! No, seriously. That
smells like my sister's kid's nappy!
384
00:17:39,300 --> 00:17:42,019
Eww! Oh, is that... And is
that supposed to turn into gold?
385
00:17:42,020 --> 00:17:44,379
Don't be ridiculous! No.
386
00:17:44,380 --> 00:17:46,339
You take some lead.
387
00:17:46,340 --> 00:17:48,059
You put the lead in the mixture.
388
00:17:48,060 --> 00:17:49,099
For real.
389
00:17:49,100 --> 00:17:51,939
And then the lead turns into the gold.
390
00:17:51,940 --> 00:17:53,499
Right. And it works?
391
00:17:53,500 --> 00:17:56,899
Well, you see for yourself.
I made this nice necklace for you.
392
00:17:56,900 --> 00:18:00,019
Err, no. Thanks, but no, thanks.
I ain't wearing that!
393
00:18:00,020 --> 00:18:02,459
You know, I don't believe
you've ever made gold out of this
394
00:18:02,460 --> 00:18:03,539
recipe, for sure.
395
00:18:03,540 --> 00:18:06,779
Well, give me a chance! I've
only been trying for eight years.
396
00:18:06,780 --> 00:18:11,499
Right, listen to me, yeah? You
can't make gold out of egg and poo
397
00:18:11,500 --> 00:18:12,939
and lead and tin.
398
00:18:12,940 --> 00:18:14,899
What was I thinking?
399
00:18:14,900 --> 00:18:17,099
I should have tried eggs and vinegar.
400
00:18:17,100 --> 00:18:18,179
Shut up!
401
00:18:18,180 --> 00:18:20,459
That's what a Belgian alchemist told me.
402
00:18:20,460 --> 00:18:21,939
I bought his recipe as well.
403
00:18:21,940 --> 00:18:24,779
Now, listen. Hold up, man. Hold up, mate, yeah?
404
00:18:24,780 --> 00:18:27,259
Get real! Look at me in my eye, yeah?
405
00:18:27,260 --> 00:18:30,539
No-one is ever going to get minted out of this!
406
00:18:30,540 --> 00:18:31,939
Well, you say that.
407
00:18:31,940 --> 00:18:34,859
You should see how much
I paid the monk for the recipe.
408
00:18:34,860 --> 00:18:38,059
All right, then. Whoa, whoa,
whoa! What you doing? What you doing?
409
00:18:38,060 --> 00:18:40,579
Costume! I've only got one of these.
410
00:18:40,580 --> 00:18:41,619
So annoying!
411
00:18:41,620 --> 00:18:42,859
SPLAT!
412
00:18:42,860 --> 00:18:47,899
It's true. That Italian fella really
tried to make gold out of horse poo.
413
00:18:47,900 --> 00:18:48,939
Ergh!
414
00:18:48,940 --> 00:18:53,780
Yes, in the Middle Ages, some
people did some really stupid things.
415
00:18:56,500 --> 00:19:01,339
Stupid death, stupid death,
They're funny cos they're true, woo!
416
00:19:01,340 --> 00:19:05,459
Stupid death, stupid death,
Hope next time it's not you! #
417
00:19:05,460 --> 00:19:06,739
Ha hee.
418
00:19:06,740 --> 00:19:09,299
Blah, blah, blah! You're
talking rubbish, you two.
419
00:19:09,300 --> 00:19:11,219
I'm the star of this show. Me!
420
00:19:11,220 --> 00:19:13,619
You two are nobodies. Ooh!
421
00:19:13,620 --> 00:19:16,979
I did a funny. Nobodies cos you've got no bodies.
422
00:19:16,980 --> 00:19:20,299
Ha ha! I just can't turn it off. Next.
423
00:19:20,300 --> 00:19:22,939
Ooh, goody! Three for the price of one.
424
00:19:22,940 --> 00:19:24,019
And you are?
425
00:19:24,020 --> 00:19:25,379
Who said that?
426
00:19:25,380 --> 00:19:27,419
- Erm, I did.
- And you are?
427
00:19:27,420 --> 00:19:28,459
I asked you first.
428
00:19:28,460 --> 00:19:31,019
How dare you! Answer the question of the King.
429
00:19:31,020 --> 00:19:33,339
- Which king?
- I am John, King of Bohemia.
430
00:19:33,340 --> 00:19:35,859
Oh, right! Got you. I'm Death, by the way.
431
00:19:35,860 --> 00:19:39,659
I would have thought my
general look was a DEAD giveaway!
432
00:19:39,660 --> 00:19:41,419
I'm also known as King John the blind.
433
00:19:41,420 --> 00:19:45,619
Oh, that's embarrassing. But never mind.
Tell us your story.
434
00:19:45,620 --> 00:19:47,979
OK, so it is, err... start of Hundred Years' War,
435
00:19:47,980 --> 00:19:49,539
I've allied myself with the French.
436
00:19:49,540 --> 00:19:52,739
It is 1346, we are lining up against the English
437
00:19:52,740 --> 00:19:54,299
and the Welsh at the Battle of Crecy.
438
00:19:54,300 --> 00:19:56,499
- Sounds crazy!
- OK. It's a bit of
439
00:19:56,500 --> 00:19:59,219
a disadvantage being blind
in battle, as you can imagine.
440
00:19:59,220 --> 00:20:00,339
As I can imagine.
441
00:20:00,340 --> 00:20:03,179
So I asked my bodyguards to
tie their horses to my horse with
442
00:20:03,180 --> 00:20:04,539
horse reins.
443
00:20:04,540 --> 00:20:06,499
And then, I can be directed at the enemy,
444
00:20:06,500 --> 00:20:09,419
so I charge full headlong into the battle.
445
00:20:09,420 --> 00:20:12,499
And, umm... how did that work out for you?
446
00:20:12,500 --> 00:20:14,619
Not so good. We were all slain.
447
00:20:14,620 --> 00:20:16,619
LAUGHS
448
00:20:16,620 --> 00:20:20,139
Oh, sorry I'm late for battle.
I got a bit tied up.
449
00:20:20,140 --> 00:20:21,739
You know, with the reins?
450
00:20:21,740 --> 00:20:22,900
Err, we weren't late.
451
00:20:23,980 --> 00:20:26,539
Whatever! You're through to the afterlife.
452
00:20:26,540 --> 00:20:27,579
Yeah, it doesn't work.
453
00:20:27,580 --> 00:20:31,179
All right, all right! I was
a bit strapped for a joke. Ooh!
454
00:20:31,180 --> 00:20:33,699
Strapped, like, you're strapped to them.
455
00:20:33,700 --> 00:20:35,899
- That kind of works.
- Show him out, you two.
456
00:20:35,900 --> 00:20:38,299
Now, which way are we going,
guys? You've got to tell me.
457
00:20:38,300 --> 00:20:39,979
I like this guy.
458
00:20:39,980 --> 00:20:43,339
Yeah, it's true. My tied-up joke was a bit ROPEY!
459
00:20:43,340 --> 00:20:44,819
LAUGHS
460
00:20:44,820 --> 00:20:48,139
I'm like a laugh machine gun.
Laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh,
461
00:20:48,140 --> 00:20:49,179
laugh, laugh, laugh!
462
00:20:49,180 --> 00:20:51,179
Reload! Laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh!
463
00:20:51,180 --> 00:20:52,219
LAUGHS
464
00:20:52,220 --> 00:20:53,259
No? Oh.
465
00:20:53,260 --> 00:20:56,859
Stupid death, stupid death,
Hope next time it's not you! #
466
00:20:56,860 --> 00:20:57,910
Hoo, hoo!
467
00:21:04,300 --> 00:21:08,259
Morning, Chivers. Riffing
hot day, what? I need a swim.
468
00:21:08,260 --> 00:21:09,979
Er, madam, I'm not sure you should...
469
00:21:09,980 --> 00:21:13,219
Oh, stuff and nonsense! I'm a
member of the Carlton Ladies' Club and
470
00:21:13,220 --> 00:21:16,419
I will go for a swim in my club's
pool when I blooming well want to!
471
00:21:16,420 --> 00:21:18,099
But madam! Have you not heard?
472
00:21:18,100 --> 00:21:20,619
Room for a small one?
473
00:21:20,620 --> 00:21:21,659
Ooh!
474
00:21:21,660 --> 00:21:24,099
They've drained the pool.
475
00:21:24,100 --> 00:21:26,979
They're keeping pigs
in it to help the war effort.
476
00:21:26,980 --> 00:21:28,019
Good for them!
477
00:21:28,020 --> 00:21:29,139
PPRRRRRTT!
478
00:21:29,140 --> 00:21:31,500
Ugh! Does this mean they're members?
479
00:21:33,300 --> 00:21:35,459
I don't know what the fuss is all about.
480
00:21:35,460 --> 00:21:36,659
I love swimming in poo!
481
00:21:36,660 --> 00:21:38,659
LAUGHS
482
00:21:38,660 --> 00:21:39,699
It's true, though.
483
00:21:39,700 --> 00:21:43,379
The Ladies' Carlton Club did
keep pigs in the swimming pool.
484
00:21:43,380 --> 00:21:47,340
With a war on, the government
needed everybody to help produce food.
485
00:21:48,820 --> 00:21:52,539
Welcome to Homefront Gardening
with me, Alan Smallbog.
486
00:21:52,540 --> 00:21:56,819
And what a delightful ornamental
garden we find ourselves in today.
487
00:21:56,820 --> 00:22:00,059
It's the proud work of
one Margery Brighton Belle.
488
00:22:00,060 --> 00:22:01,379
Hello, Margery.
489
00:22:01,380 --> 00:22:04,099
Good morning, Alan. It's
a pleasure to have you here.
490
00:22:04,100 --> 00:22:07,539
Thank you. Now what we're going
to be doing today is making some small
491
00:22:07,540 --> 00:22:09,139
changes to your garden
492
00:22:09,140 --> 00:22:11,859
to bring it up-to-date with
what's going on in the wartime
493
00:22:11,860 --> 00:22:13,299
gardening scene.
494
00:22:13,300 --> 00:22:15,219
We want to see the sort of thing that you might
495
00:22:15,220 --> 00:22:17,499
find in the gardens of Buckingham Palace itself.
496
00:22:17,500 --> 00:22:19,059
Well, that sounds lovely.
497
00:22:19,060 --> 00:22:22,259
So I take these gorgeous
roses and chrysanthemums.
498
00:22:22,260 --> 00:22:24,859
Well, that has taken eight years of tender loving
499
00:22:24,860 --> 00:22:27,379
care to get them blooming just right.
500
00:22:27,380 --> 00:22:29,179
So let's just...
501
00:22:29,180 --> 00:22:31,820
get rid of them and replace them...
502
00:22:33,260 --> 00:22:34,779
..with these.
503
00:22:34,780 --> 00:22:36,459
Carrots and turnips!
504
00:22:36,460 --> 00:22:38,059
But that won't work at all!
505
00:22:38,060 --> 00:22:40,979
The whole garden will be completely unbalanced.
506
00:22:40,980 --> 00:22:44,819
You can't plant carrots and
turnips in my ornamental flower bed!
507
00:22:44,820 --> 00:22:48,819
You're not wrong, Margery.
Best just dig them all up.
508
00:22:48,820 --> 00:22:50,419
That'll look horrible!
509
00:22:50,420 --> 00:22:55,299
That's as maybe, but just think
of all the food you'll be growing.
510
00:22:55,300 --> 00:22:57,459
There's a war on, people are hungry.
511
00:22:57,460 --> 00:23:00,739
You said it was going to be like
the King's garden at Buckingham Palace.
512
00:23:00,740 --> 00:23:02,739
It is! It's what he's doing there.
513
00:23:02,740 --> 00:23:05,219
- What?
- He's setting an example.
514
00:23:05,220 --> 00:23:08,579
The country needs food and
you can't eat chrysanthemums.
515
00:23:08,580 --> 00:23:12,059
Just follow the details on this
handy government Dig for Victory
516
00:23:12,060 --> 00:23:15,979
pamphlet and plant veg where
your posh flowers used to be.
517
00:23:15,980 --> 00:23:19,579
But this is the wrong time of
year to be planting these vegetables.
518
00:23:19,580 --> 00:23:22,099
And these need to be spaced further apart.
519
00:23:22,100 --> 00:23:24,499
This government pamphlet
is giving people completely
520
00:23:24,500 --> 00:23:25,619
the wrong instructions.
521
00:23:25,620 --> 00:23:29,259
So it is! We needn't have
dug up your beautiful flowers.
522
00:23:29,260 --> 00:23:31,379
Are you sure you can't eat chrysanthemums, Alan?
523
00:23:31,380 --> 00:23:32,419
Why?
524
00:23:32,420 --> 00:23:34,379
Cos you're going to eat these.
525
00:23:34,380 --> 00:23:35,539
What?
526
00:23:35,540 --> 00:23:37,219
Come here, you!
527
00:23:37,220 --> 00:23:38,740
You've ruined our garden!
528
00:23:43,700 --> 00:23:48,539
History really was horrible,
especially in the Stone Age.
529
00:23:48,540 --> 00:23:51,939
Now, if you want horrible, check us Romans out.
530
00:23:51,940 --> 00:23:54,059
No, Saxon times were the worst.
531
00:23:54,060 --> 00:23:57,419
I think you'll find we Stuarts had it really bad.
532
00:23:57,420 --> 00:24:01,499
Oh, chill out, guys! There's
always been horrible history.
533
00:24:01,500 --> 00:24:02,550
Get a load of this.
534
00:24:16,020 --> 00:24:22,099
Stone Age brought you
speech, Farms, the wheel and fire
535
00:24:22,100 --> 00:24:25,379
Then metal was explored
which meant we could make swords
536
00:24:25,380 --> 00:24:28,419
To kill and build empires
537
00:24:28,420 --> 00:24:31,419
Think Ancient Egypt was nicer?
538
00:24:31,420 --> 00:24:34,979
Pharaoh's tombs, lovely shrines?
539
00:24:34,980 --> 00:24:38,099
But some were living graves
for hundreds of poor slaves
540
00:24:38,100 --> 00:24:40,979
And pig's eye was our cure for the blind
541
00:24:40,980 --> 00:24:44,499
Greek civilisation our creation
542
00:24:44,500 --> 00:24:47,259
Drama and Philosophy
543
00:24:47,260 --> 00:24:50,419
But Sparta praised lying, celebrated dying
544
00:24:50,420 --> 00:24:52,979
And Hippocrates drank wee
545
00:24:52,980 --> 00:24:55,979
We're History
546
00:24:55,980 --> 00:25:00,379
We brought you bloodshed
547
00:25:00,380 --> 00:25:03,499
Greek excursions to battle the Persians
548
00:25:03,500 --> 00:25:06,219
Disembowelling our dead
549
00:25:06,220 --> 00:25:09,499
Together we made the world
550
00:25:09,500 --> 00:25:11,739
A little bit grim
551
00:25:11,740 --> 00:25:14,539
We're History
552
00:25:14,540 --> 00:25:17,180
Could be fairly dim
553
00:25:22,060 --> 00:25:25,059
We Romans brought you roads
554
00:25:25,060 --> 00:25:27,220
And public medicine
555
00:25:28,580 --> 00:25:31,779
A Gladiator fighting, Feeding men to lions
556
00:25:31,780 --> 00:25:34,739
Burning Christians,
That kind of thing, you know
557
00:25:34,740 --> 00:25:37,379
Then came the Middle Ages
558
00:25:37,380 --> 00:25:41,219
Saxons, Normans, Vikings, Celts
559
00:25:41,220 --> 00:25:45,059
A time of invasion,
feudalism, Famine, Black Death,
560
00:25:45,060 --> 00:25:47,619
Bubos and welts
561
00:25:47,620 --> 00:25:53,739
1066 saw Harold in a
fix as William conquered all
562
00:25:53,740 --> 00:25:56,779
What was the bettin' an arrow in his retina
563
00:25:56,780 --> 00:25:59,099
Would lead to his downfall?
564
00:25:59,100 --> 00:26:02,139
We're History
565
00:26:02,140 --> 00:26:06,619
We brought invasion and strife
566
00:26:06,620 --> 00:26:09,659
We attacked monasteries,
Said, "Give us gold, please"
567
00:26:09,660 --> 00:26:13,019
Then we took your life
568
00:26:13,020 --> 00:26:18,099
Our crusades meant slaughter wherever we'd go
569
00:26:18,100 --> 00:26:19,340
We're History
570
00:26:20,820 --> 00:26:23,580
Was it pretty? No.
571
00:26:28,420 --> 00:26:30,939
Tudor Stuart Georgian monarchs Next in line
572
00:26:30,940 --> 00:26:34,419
Brought progress in science and art
573
00:26:34,420 --> 00:26:36,939
Also beheadings, Burnings, civil war
574
00:26:36,940 --> 00:26:39,419
Breed an economy, for a start
575
00:26:39,420 --> 00:26:42,379
We're History
576
00:26:42,380 --> 00:26:45,500
We gave you plague and disease
577
00:26:46,420 --> 00:26:49,779
Travelled, found the Incans,
Spread smallpox in a blink and
578
00:26:49,780 --> 00:26:52,979
Brought them to their knees
579
00:26:52,980 --> 00:26:58,299
Dogs, cats and the French
blamed for plague along the way
580
00:26:58,300 --> 00:26:59,420
We're History
581
00:27:00,860 --> 00:27:05,539
Not such happy days
582
00:27:05,540 --> 00:27:08,739
Victorian technology
went hand-in-hand with poverty
583
00:27:08,740 --> 00:27:11,499
Kids up chimneys and down mines
584
00:27:11,500 --> 00:27:14,979
Improvements to the world did
pick up despite some violent hiccups
585
00:27:14,980 --> 00:27:17,099
Two World Wars, millions died
586
00:27:17,100 --> 00:27:20,179
We're History
587
00:27:20,180 --> 00:27:24,219
Our times smelly and gory
588
00:27:24,220 --> 00:27:27,419
We reigned over you and told you what to do
589
00:27:27,420 --> 00:27:30,899
And that is this story
590
00:27:30,900 --> 00:27:36,259
Thought we were amazing though you may quibble
591
00:27:36,260 --> 00:27:37,580
We're history
592
00:27:39,940 --> 00:27:43,579
And we made it horri...
593
00:27:43,580 --> 00:27:50,939
..Ble
594
00:27:50,940 --> 00:27:56,540
We're History. #
595
00:28:01,101 --> 00:28:04,979
Can't get enough of Horrible Histories?
596
00:28:04,980 --> 00:28:08,339
Then go to the CBBC Website
and click on the link.
597
00:28:08,340 --> 00:28:09,379
See you there.
598
00:28:09,380 --> 00:28:12,579
The past is no longer a mystery
599
00:28:12,580 --> 00:28:14,900
Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #
600
00:28:14,950 --> 00:28:19,500
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