Original subtitles

Terrible Tudors Gorgeous Georgians

- Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians - Woeful wars, ferocious fights

- Dingy castles, daring knights - Horrors that defy description

- Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians - Vicious Vikings, cruel crime

- Punishments from ancient times - Roman, rotten, rank and ruthless

Cavemen savage Fierce and toothless

- Groovy Greeks, brainy sages - Mean and measley Middle Ages

Gory stories, we do that

And your host a talking rat

The past is no longer a mystery

Welcome to Horrible Histories #

- Oh, hello. Are you a searcher for the dead? - Yes, I am indeed. Yes.

- Could I be your apprentice, please? - Um. Yeah, I don't see why not. Yeah.

- Oh, great. I hear it pays well. - Yeah. You get a four-pence finders' fee

for every plague victim you identify.

There's a lot of plague victims out there.

- Yes. - Business has never been better, really.

How do you spot a plague victim?

You're just looking for a big, nasty plague sore, you know.

What, you mean like that one there?

Yeah, a bit like that one. Yeah.

He's dead. He's dead from plague.

This is easy. I've never...

Are you a searcher for the dead?

I am now. I just spotted my first deadie.

Oh, yes. Can I be your apprentice, please?

- I don't see why not. - I hear it's well paid.

Yes. You get a four-pence finder's fee...

I've got four pence. I've got four pence.

Excuse me. Are you a searcher for the dead?

I might be. Uh!

Well, you get the idea.

The plague was so serious that public meeting places

including the new Stuart coffee houses were closed down

to stop it spreading.

Ten years later, Charles II wanted them closed down again

for another reason altogether.

- Good morning. - Hello.

I'd like a cup of coffee, please.

- What kind of coffee would you like, Sir? - Er, what kinds do you have?

Well, we've got coffee...

OK, what sizes do you do?

Well, we do standard...

One standard-sized coffee then, please.

Good choice, coming right up.

Not so fast. Step away from the coffee, please, Sir.

- I'm sorry? - King Charles II has just had coffee houses banned.

He seems to think people only go to coffee houses

to plot against the monarchy and write rebellious poetry.

I still need something hot, what else have you got?

- I could do you a tea? - That'll do me.

That plan wasn't rebellious, but it was criminal.

It's OK to serve tea then?

I suppose so, but coffee houses are banned. Do I make myself clear?

- Yes. - I'll see you tomorrow then.

- All right, see you tomorrow, Frank. - Love to Gina.

Righty-ho! What kind of tea would you like?

- What kind do you have? - Got tea...

One standard-sized cup of tea, please.

Very good, Sir. What's your name? I'll just write it on this mug.

I'm the only person in the shop.

The only person in the shop.

Squeak, squeak...

You're making that noise with your mouth.

- That'll be a month's salary, please. - For a cup of tea?

It doesn't grow on trees!

Well, it does grow on bushes.

But it still has to be shipped from a very long way away.

I just want a hot beverage.

Well, you'll be pleased to hear that King Charles has changed his mind

and lifted the ban on coffee houses.

He was worried it might make him unpopular.

And we all know what happened to his dad when he became unpopular.

Well, tell the King he's very smart and in no way at all a silly old...

Don't push your luck.

Farmer.

Hi, I'm a gorgeous Roman scientist and I'm going to tell you

about the wonders of the ancient Roman universe. It's amazing!

We Roman scientists perfected complex architectural aids

like concrete and arches, and that meant

we could make buildings with vast domes, like the Pantheon in Rome,

that lasted thousands of years. Imagine that!

Not four, not three, not 12 - thousands of years.

And we understood how the universe worked too.

It was Julius Caesar who decided that a year would last 365 days,

with an extra day every four years for a leap year.

Yeah, THAT Julius Caesar. No wonder Cleopatra fancied him. Amazing!

And we knew all about Mercury and Neptune and Venus and Saturn

and Uranus and Mars and Pluto and Jupiter.

- Really? - Yeah. - That's actually quite impressive.

You knew all about planets.

Yeah, but they're not just planets, they're all gods.

Giant beings, who played games deciding the fate

of everyone in the world.

It's ancient Roman scientific fact.

Brian, it always starts so well, doesn't it?

Luckily, we can work out what the gods are planning

by cutting open animals and looking at their insides.

It's how we predict the future.

All right, if we could just, erm...

There's one bloke called a Haruspex, who cut open a chicken

to find out what Saturn, the God of Agriculture, is planning.

It's ancient Roman scientific fact. Amazing!

It's true. We Romans used to slice open animals.

But that wasn't the only way we could predict the future.

Argh! Didn't see that coming. Ironic.

Men of Rome. Today is a day of glory.

For today we shall fight the Carthaginians

and we shall be victorious.

ALL: Hooray!

But do not take my word for it, listen to the pronouncements

of she who has been blessed by the gods

with the power to see the future.

All hail the sacred chicken!

Hai...! Did you just say chicken?

I will feed seed to the chicken

and, by her actions, we will know our fate.

If the sacred chicken eats the seed, then we shall be victorious.

ALL: Hooray!

What happens if, erm, the chicken doesn't eat the seed?

Trust me, she will.

Oh, sacred chicken. Show us our fate.

I thought I told you to starve her for a few days?

I did, I think she might be a bit seasick.

The sacred chicken has spoken, we're doomed!

ALL: Argh.

Men, I pray you, do not let your warrior spirit

be downcast by a non-hungry hen.

No, it's no good, sir, they're panicking, what are we going to do?

Right, take this.

No, da, da, da...

Right. Clearly, the chicken was not hungry.

But maybe she is thirsty.

Look, she is drinking.

- She is drowning. - OK, granted, she is drinking quite a lot.

He's killed the sacred chicken. We're even more doomed than before.

No! I have a plan.

Don't do it, I will pay you not to do it.

- Don't do... - Cluck, cluck...

Oh!

I am a sacred chicken.

When the sacred chicken was thrown into the sea,

the crew panicked and the Romans lost the battle.

I often use chickens to predict the future myself. Yeah.

If I eat a whole one, I predict I'll have a stomach ache.

Welcome to Middle Ages Antiques Roadshow at Caernarfon Castle.

Hundreds of people have come down here

to see if they're sitting on a small fortune.

So, let's find out what our expert, Martin Ballpark,

has made of today's offerings.

And the first thing that has caught his eye

is a rather curious Middle Ages metalloid.

Now, it looks like lead, doesn't it?

If I'm not much mistaken, it is in fact antimony, am I right?

You are, that's quite correct, yes.

I thought as much. Now antimony is a well-known Middle Ages disease cure.

- Mm-hm. - It's very rare. It's much sought-after.

- Mm-hm. - So, it's actually worth a lot of money.

I was hoping you'd say that.

How long's it been in the family, John?

In total, it's hard to say.

It's been in my grandparents a few times, my parents too,

and it's just been inside me.

Sorry, erm...

See, the great thing about antimony is it doesn't dissolve in the gut,

so, once you've swallowed it, you can just rummage through your poo

to find it and use it again. Are you OK?

I feel a bit sick actually.

Do you want to borrow some of my antimony?

Just make sure you give it back when it comes out the other end, please.

- That's an antique. - I'll be the judge of that!

Oh, Martin, but here he is with the next hopeful,

who's brought along an intriguing Middle Ages concoction.

So, what have you got for me?

I've brought some gold.

Get the hands dirty, shall we?

And the gold's in here, is it?

No. No, that is the gold.

Or rather, it should be, it's an old monk's recipe

for making gold, but I've put the chicken's eggs

in with the rotting dung for ages

and it doesn't seem to have turned into gold yet. Weird!

Not again.

- Are you sure you don't want to borrow some of my anti...? - No.

So sorry, everyone.

Antimony is actually a toxic metal, which makes you sick

and gives you diarrhoea.

The people of the Middle Ages swallowed it

because they thought it got rid of the bad stuff inside you.

Hm. Like the, erm, toxic metal, for instance.

In the Middle Ages, they also believed in magic.

It's the Middle Ages Magic Set for all the family.

Three great tricks in one box.

Amaze your family by turning water into wine.

Look, a glass of water, then I simply add the secret ingredient.

Ta-dah!

Wow, how did you do that?

It's magic.

Well, erm, no, it's not.

The bread she used was soaked in strong red wine.

I can make the apple move all by itself.

With a bit of help from a beetle hidden inside the apple.

Brilliant! Oh, oh, that is rotten,

got a bit of beetle in there as well.

And best of all, you can learn how to make an egg fly.

Wow! That's magic.

Or has he just tied a very long hair round the egg?

It's all here in the instruction book,

and there's loads more tricks too.

The people who came up with them must be amazing magicians.

Actually, they're not magicians at all. They're monks.

No, I'm sorry, cut.

When we wrote the book, we didn't intend for people to have fun.

It was meant to be a serious expose

of con artistes in the Medieval world,

not a manual for doing magic tricks.

Oh, what is that smell? Have you done one?

It's your egg, mate. You want to put a fresh one in your box

when you sell your... Great magic tricks.

No, not that, not that. We wrote it to stop people doing them.

Right, what's going on here?

Did you write the book of magic tricks

that teaches people how to turn water into wine and make eggs float?

Yes, and I was just explaining to these good people

that we were attempting to show people how these tricks

- are used in... - Witchcraft.

Yes, exactly.

- Right, take him away, have him hanged. - What?

New Middle Ages Magic Set... Well, sort of.

Warning - performing magic tricks in the Middle Ages

could get you executed.

- Right, what's going on here? - Nothing.

Just hanging out with the family, just sitting.

You guffed? It smells very eggy in here.

You might want to think about opening a window.

The last major battle of the War Of The Roses

was the famous Battle Of Bosworth Field between King Richard III

and Henry Tudor, who was after his crown.

Powerful nobleman Lord Stanley found himself stuck in the middle.

Gentlemen, your actions on this day

will change the course of history itself.

For this battle here, on this humble Bosworth field,

will decide whether the Crown of England

is to remain with Richard III and the House of York,

or is to be taken by the young Lancastrian, Henry Tudor.

So, let us fight.

My Lord, er, just one tiny thing.

Erm, which side are we actually on?

Ah, well, I haven't entirely decided yet,

but, the second I do, I'll let you know.

Right, it's just that the battle's already started

and it would be really handy tactic-wise

to know which way to charge.

My head says Richard III's the favourite, right?

And we do have quite a long history.

I held the mace at his coronation.

He made me Lord High Constable of England.

I've literally lost track of the amount of land he's given me,

it's embarrassing.

Men, we fight for the House of York, on my mark.

But there's a lot to be said for the plucky underdog, isn't there?

And Henry Tudor's royal bloodline does stretch back to Edward III.

Let's not forget I am married to his mum.

If I side with the other guy,

well, imagine how awkward Christmas is going to be.

No, thank you, sir.

Very good, my lord. House of Lancaster it is.

- Men, on my mark. - But..

Oh! My lord, we must make a decision.

- All right, all right, all right, all right. - Let's toss a coin.

Heads, King Richard, because, um, well, his head's on it.

Or... We could just see which side looks like they're going to win

and then just sort of join them.

Actually that sounds like a pretty good plan.

The House of Lancaster's looking a pretty good bet to me.

Right then, we side with Henry Tudor.

Very good, my lord, charge!

No, no, not that way, not that way. No, they're on our side.

The answer is...

C. His grave was recently discovered under a car park in Leicester.

When Richard died, Henry VII took over

and became the first King of the Tudor dynasty.

Take it away, Henry.

Of all the kings called Henry, I'm the one you've rarely heard.

Shakespeare wrote IV, V, VI, VIII - but VII, not a word.

People think I'm dreary. To some extent I am.

But look a little closer.

Glam, bam, thank you, mam!

I didn't agree with King Richard III

So, I fought him at Bosworth Field and won victory

How cool does this sound?

I'm the king who found

Rich's crown in a hedge on the winning battleground

The only way to end war and avert further disaster

There's got to be a way to unite York and Lancaster

I'm the original Tu-Tu-Tu-Tudor

Founder of that dynasty

The man who closes the Wars Of The Roses

That's right That's right, that's me

I launched attacks On lords who earned stacks

Mine was a noble cause to tap them all for tax

They paid their share Was only fair

To make England rich And me a millionaire

Elizabeth York became my wife for life, that make me a bore?

Joined our family seat That's neat, made my rule secure

I'm the original Tu-Tu-Tu-Tudor

Returning power to the state

Seemed quite toothless

But actually ruthless

I make the monarchy great

Spent a long time fighting

Pretenders to the throne

Lambert Simnel and Perkin Warbeck

Said my throne was their own

They claimed they'd been princes

In the Tower, their rule delayed

I said "This crown ain't big enough for the three of us"

And had one slayed

I'm the original Tu-Tu-Tu-Tudor

King of foreign policy

To end hostile relations With enemy nations

I asked them to make friends with me

Yeah, the original Tu-Tu-Tu-Tudor

They say dullness's my main trait

Well, that's a sad indictment

Cos if you're looking for excitement

My son was Henry VIII. #

This week on Historical Wife Swap,

these Egyptian peasants will be doing the wife swap with...

Pharaoh Ramesses II and his wife, Nefertari.

So, how will these different ancient Egyptian couples get on?

Oh! Who are you?

- Mrs Pharaoh. - Shouldn't you be at my house?

Mrs Pharaoh is at your house, I'm Mrs Pharaoh number two.

Ramesses II's got six wives.

A bit greedy.

And 200 girlfriends.

I am the great Pharaoh Bon of Rah, chosen of Rah,

for powerful is the truth of Rah, half king, half god,

master of all I survey, Ramesses II, glory be to my name. And you are...?

Susan.

An honour for you to meet me.

So, what will Nefertari, the Pharaoh's number one wife,

make of Mr Peasant?

- Oh, Your Majesty. - Get up, peasant, but don't look at me.

Oh, what's that terrible smell?

It could be me, Your Majesty. I've been dragging

two-ton boulders round the desert to help build your husband's temple.

No, you do stink, peasant, but it's much worse than that.

Oh, it could be the gazelle dung I've put on the floor.

Oh! Why on earth would you do that?

- Keeps the rats away from food. - Rats!

Or, it could be the walls, they're made of manure,

and the Nile flooded the hut last month,

so they're still a bit, how shall I put it, sweaty.

- I can tell I'm going to just love it here. - Great.

Meanwhile, over at the palace, it's dinner time.

Here, peasant, try one of these.

What is it, my Pharaoh?

Locust in honey.

That's delicious.

I feel I'm going to grab an early night.

I have to be up before the sun comes up. Well, obviously I do.

I'm the one who gets the sun up.

I done a joke. BOTH: LAUGH

That's more like it.

You won't believe this,

the royal palace has got beds with comfy pillows made of stone.

And a sort of seat thing that you sit on to go to toilet.

What will they think of next?

And it's also dinner time in the peasant hut.

Ow!

Sorry, Your Majesty, we do get a lot of mosquitoes,

that's the downside of living near the Nile.

The plus side is that the Nile floods,

so the soil here is very fertile.

And when it does flood, we farmers get a few months off

to go to the desert and drag around two-ton boulders for the Pharaoh.

Ow! Well, at least it gets you away from all these mosquitoes.

And nearer the deadly scorpions!

- Do you not want your onion? - Don't look at me. - Sorry.

You're not going to believe where I had to sleep.

On some straw on the floor. Yes, that's right.

On the floor with all the gazelle poop.

I swear I've got nits. Oh! Oh!

Oh, look, look, there's one.

I'll have to throw this wig away.

The wife swap is at an end.

And it's time for the royal couple

and the peasant couple to discuss their experiences.

I understand you've been helping build my temple,

the Ramessium. What an honour for you.

How looks the 19-metre statue of me?

Oh, it is magnificent, Pharaoh.

Although not as impressive as the real thing.

Ah, your work is done! But I have some good news for you.

I would like you to build another massive temple alongside

for my favourite wife.

Oh, Romy baby, that's so sweet.

Oh, you want one too, do you?

Don't book any holidays.

- We did actually discuss this, Romy. - Did we? I don't remember.

- Well, you had a lot of palm wine to drink. - Well, you don't speak up.

Do you think we can get up now, love?

- I wouldn't risk it. - No.

Queen Nefertari suffered from alopecia, so she wore a wig.

Expensive Egyptian wigs were made of 120,000 human hairs

held in place by beeswax.

Is that a wig, Your Majesty? "Oh! Mind your own beeswax."

One of the most famous Victorian inventors was Alexander Graham Bell,

who came up with the telephone - ring a bell?

But his design was to be improved by American inventor Thomas Edison.

Good day to you.

Mr Edison, telephone for you.

Thank you. What does it even mean?

No, I bought you a telephone, it's a new invention

by this guy, Alexander Graham Bell. I thought it might interest you.

It ties in nicely with the experiments we're doing

- on the transmission of sound. - Really?

It allows you to talk to somebody down a cable.

You can talk to somebody in a different room

and, maybe, who knows, one day in a different building.

Extraordinary! Well, can we try it?

Of course! But Mr Bell insists

that we use the official telephone greeting.

- Which is? - Ahoy-hoy.

As the caller, I have to say, "Ahoy-hoy" to you,

you say, "Ahoy-hoy" back,

- that way we know we're receiving each other. - Understood.

Are you ready, sir?

- Oh, yes, indeed. - Here we go.

- Ahoy-hoy. - Hello.

No, sir, you have to say, "Ahoy-hoy" back to me.

Yes, I was just shocked that it actually worked,

so the Victorian expression of surprise crept out.

"Hello", as in, "wow"!

- Shall we try it again? - Yeah!

- Ahoy-hoy. - Hello.

- Hello, you said it again. - So did you.

Well, I was surprised that you said it again.

Well, I'm still surprised it works.

Hm. OK, sir, shall we try it one more time?

- Ahoy-hoy. - Hello.

Hello. You just said hello.

Of course I said "hello", I was surprised that you said "ahoy-hoy",

I thought I was going to say "ahoy-hoy" first,

and then you said "ahoy-hoy". That's why I said hello.

- Hello. - Ah! Sir, you have to...

It doesn't matter. I'm going to take these away.

No, wait, I was just getting the hang of it.

In fact, I think I can improve on the design.

I very much doubt it, sir,

you cannot even grasp the official telephone greeting.

Imagine a world where people say into the telephone,

"Hello." Goodbye.

Hello. Hello, I think I have a problem.

Another Victorian invention was photography.

Say, "Cheese", I always do.

You! Kiss goodbye to time-consuming painting,

because photography is here.

- What? - Yes, and we've got everything you need to know

in our new Photographic Monthly Chronicle.

Hello, I'm Henry Fox Talbot,

one of the great Victorian pioneers of photography.

And, with my handy tips, you'll be able to take photographs like this.

And this. And even this.

With exposure times of several minutes,

best opt for an expression you can easily keep up.

That's why we Victorians looked so miserable in photos.

And, remember, whatever you do, don't try and maintain a smile.

I'm Prince Albert, I can smile if I like.

As you like, Your Highness. OK, hold it.

- Hah. - Just hold it there. - It's starting to hurt.

And we've got all the very latest accessories.

These rigid neck irons and body braces

make movement blurs a thing of the past, don't they?

He's trying to nod.

And subscribe now to receive a voucher for a free photo session

with a recently deceased loved one of your choice.

Well, being photographed with a dead relative is the latest craze,

isn't it, darling?

"Yes, it is, and I love you." Oh, darling.

So, get your copy of Photographic Monthly Chronicle today,

the pastime with Royal approval.

- I hurt so much. - I did say not to smile.

I've started now, yeah?

Words we get from the Stone Age.

What? Words we get from the Stone Age? Well, that's ridiculous.

How many words could we possibly get from the Stone Age?

Really, what are they?

Well, make up your mind.

Oh, I see you're an idiot.

You.

No, not me, you.

You know what, I'm an idiot for even trying to talk to you.

Yes, we're both idiots.

Wait a second...

All actual words that date back to the Stone Age.

Amazing! Maybe you early men weren't so dumb after all.

Oh!

Oh, no. I was right the first time.

Not only did we invent words, we invented the idea of having a home.

For the first time, we Stone Age people settled in one place.

Hello, and welcome to A Historical Place In The Sun.

The show where we find people who want a place in the sun,

a place in the sun.

This week, I'm joined by Carl and Natalie,

two hardworking Mesolithic hunters looking for a place in the sun.

So, guys, what kind of home are you after?

Erm, we're not really sure what, erm...

- What "home" mean? - Yeah.

OK, a home is somewhere you live, it's a permanent dwelling.

Permabum dwelling?

We don't have "home".

Er, we move from cave to cave, find best hunting.

Right, well, hopefully, I'll be able to show you somewhere

that will encourage you to get on the property ladder.

Probably ladder?

This is going to take a while.

I'm taking Carl and Natalie to see Star Carr -

a brand-new development on the shore of Lake Flickston

in North Yorkshire.

So, first impressions, guys?

Why cave not in cliff face?

Oh, this isn't a cave, this is a house.

Instead of being constrained by the location of caves,

you can simply pick where you want to live and put your house there.

These babies were the first in Europe

and I think they're going to spread like wildfire.

My uncle die in wildfire.

I'm so sorry, I didn't know.

Star Carr's beautiful lakeside location

and purpose-built wooden quay

means residents can enjoy a wide range of water sports,

including harpoon fishing and...

harpoon fishing.

And the surrounding countryside is perfect for hunting.

Hedgehog. A Mesolithic delicacy, so I'm led to believe.

So, guys, what do you think of Star Carr?

- Well, we like it. - And it would be nice to have a permabum base.

But stay forever, too long.

Well, that's the great thing about Star Carr,

it's only inhabited for half the year,

so you're only looking at a six-month commitment.

- In that case, we'll take it. - We'll take it.

Wonderful.

So, there you have it, Mesolithic hunters Carl and Natalie

have abandoned cave-dwelling

in favour of a new home here at Star Carr.

We found another couple their place in the sun.

It's about that, there doesn't seem to be much sun, does there?

It's Yorkshire, what do you expect? It's Yorkshire.

Can't get enough of Horrible Histories?

Then go to the CBBC Website and click on the link.

See you there!

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