Original subtitles

Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat

The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...

Horrible Histories. #

Terrible Tudors.

Elizabeth I was as frightening as she was powerful.

So at the royal court you had to be careful what you said

and what you did.

The Earl of Oxford, Edward De Vere.

My Queen, I am as ever at your service.

HE FARTS

Did what I think just happened, just happen?

Yes, I rather fear it did, Your Majesty.

Your Majesty, I don't know what to say.

Cecil, what is the punishment for passing wind in front of the Queen?

We don't have one, Your Majesty,

no-one has ever dared do such a thing before.

Or if they have,

they've had least had the decency to cover it up with a well timed cough.

Couldn't we just pretend that this never happened?

Oh, would that we could, De Vere, would that we could.

If memory serves, Your Majesty, you did once banish your godson,

John Harrington, from court for a rude joke.

And for how long did I banish him?

Six years.

And would you say passing wind was better or worse than a rude joke?

Well, surely that would depend on the rudeness of the joke

and the stinkiness of the far...

We've had quite enough of you, De Vere, from both ends.

I would say that passing wind in front or Your Majesty

was definitely worse by at least a year.

And so would I.

Before you banish me, Your Majesty, I will do the gentlemanly thing

and banish myself from court for seven years.

Thus saving a shred of my dignity and honour.

Your Majesty, I am as ever your humble servant.

Oh, do not bow, I dread to think what may happen.

Now, off you go and mind you clench your but-tocks.

It is for the best, Your Majesty.

HE FARTS

That was the chair, Your Majesty. The chair.

A likely story. Ugh!

HE LAUGHS

Some people think that Shakespeare didn't write his plays

and that they were actually written by Edward De Vere.

That's right, windy De Vere.

What would his plays have been called?

Henry IV Fart Two, Much Ado about Trumping?

Romeo and Windybum?

And there were some stupid goings on at the royal court

in France as well.

Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

They're funny cos they're true

Whoo! Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you. #

Hee hee!

What do you think? I made them for you out of ping pong balls.

All right, keep your hair on. Happen to think they suit you.

Next!

Name?

Diane De Poitiers.

Occupation?

How dare you insult me! I do not need an occupation.

Oh, am I treading on eggshells today or what?

Sorry, Diane, what do you do with your time, love?

I am a French noblewoman

and the girlfriend of King Henry II of France.

And you, stop staring at me or I will have you flogged.

Oh, let me sort that for you.

Right, everybody happy now? Then let's continue.

To get noticed at the king's court in France

one has to look one's best.

I can imagine.

I have my own special method to keep myself looking so youthful.

- Which was? - Gold leaf.

- Oh, you wore it? - Oh, no, no, I ate it.

Sorry, you ate it?

Oui, I had a spoonful of gold leaf every day for years.

And what happened?

I died of heavy metal poisoning.

HE LAUGHS

That's brilliant, Diane, you're through to the afterlife.

Oh, hey, let's hope they don't play any heavy metal music there.

Stupid man.

That was a good one, I thought. What did you think?

Comedy gold? Phew, don't get it.

Yes, I do.

I was going to say that, in fact I will. Comedy gold.

Whatever!

Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you. #

Hoo-hoo.

Vicious Vikings.

- HE SHOUTS: - Hi, I'm a shouty man

and I'm here to tell you about the new Runic Alphabet.

The easy-to-carve writing system that's taking

the Viking world by storm.

Do you have a bad memory?

Or perhaps you have a bad memory.

Or maybe you even have a bad memory.

Then the old Viking system of learning things off by heart

is not for you. But don't worry!

Help is at hand with the sensational new runic alphabet.

The simple angular letters can be quickly carved into any wall,

rock or twig, making writing things down

the new not writing things down.

Yes! Using new Viking runes means that this simple stick can be

turned into... A prayer to the gods.

A personal message. A business letter.

Or an expression of affection.

Thank you, Joan, I feel a bit the same way.

And when you're finished it makes an excellent dog toy.

DOG BARKS

Fetch, boy!

And that's not all.

The new runic alphabet

was discovered by the Viking god Odin, so it has mystical powers.

Simply carve healing charms into a whale bone to help heal the sick.

Now read that four times a day. That's Shouty Man Junior.

And why not let people know where you've been with some good

old Viking runic graffiti?

"Olaf was here."

To be honest, I think they already knew you were here, mate.

So order new runic alphabet today

because the writing's on the wall,

for not writing on the wall!

We Vikings used to write runes on stones called, wait for it,

rune stones.

Some tell of how we embraced a new religion.

May I help you, sir?

Yeah, I'm looking for something for my wife.

Oh, very nice too, sir. And what did you have in mind?

Well, she's quite religious, so I was thinking some sort of amulet.

Ah, I have the very thing.

How about this delightful Thor's Hammer amulet,

cast in solid silver from this handcrafted soapstone mould?

It's the ideal way to honour the Norse god of Thunder.

Ah, actually, my wife and I don't worship the Norse gods any more,

we've converted to Christianity.

I see, well, in that case

I highly recommend...

..this Christian crucifix amulet,

cast in solid silver from this handcrafted soapstone mould.

It's the ideal way to honour your Christian God, Father and Son.

Come off it, that's just the hammer one the other way up.

It's been clearly cast from exactly the same mould.

Oh, no, no, not at all, sir.

For as you can see, the Thor's Hammer amulet is mould number 66.

And the crucifix one...

..is mould number 99.

I see, well that's my mistake then. I'll take the crucifix one, please.

That'll be nine silver clippings, sir.

There you go. Thank you very much.

Oh, er, wait a minute, sir. I said nine and this is only a six.

Turn it up the other way.

It's true!

Archaeologists have found a mould that made both pagan

Thor Hammers and Christian crucifixes, so the devious

merchant could use the one mould for both pagans and Christians.

Actually I have some cheese with mould in the shape of a cross.

Hm, or is it Thor's Hammer? Hm...

You're watching HH TV sport bringing you exclusive live sporting

events from the past.

Today is football, and time to go over to the 1950s

to join our reporter, who's about to meet a very special player.

I've come to 1951, where I'm here to interview the greatest

English football striker of all time.

Er...

Sorry, do you mind moving along, please, love?

I'm here to interview the all- time greatest English football striker.

Well, you're looking at her.

HE LAUGHS

What, really?

Yeah. My name's Lily Parr.

I scored over 900 goals in my career.

I scored 43 goals in me first season and I were only 14 at the time.

Wow, that's impressive.

In 1920, 53,000 people turned up at a ladies' match at Goodison Park

and I was star attraction.

Well, shall we...shall we carry on the interview?

Let's do this, OK. So, Lily, tell us how did your career start?

Well, when all the men went off to fight in First World War,

women's football came right popular. I worked at a munitions factory

and I played for the ladies' football team.

We used to draw huge crowds.

I see, but when the war ended and the men came back,

I imagine everyone went back to watching men's football?

No. No, you see the ladies' game was still really popular,

so popular, in fact, that in 1921 the Football Association

got nervous that we were threatening the male game,

so they banned women from playing at official league grounds.

Oh, that is a shame, isn't it?

But let's be honest, men are better at football than women, aren't they?

Listen, mate, I've played against men at exhibition matches

and I'm telling you now, I've got harder shot than any of them.

- I don't think so. - I do think so. - Well, I don't.

This is Tony Codger reporting for HH TV News.

Oh! She's not wrong, she's got a kick like a flipping mule. Oh!

Lily was a great role model for young footballers,

but not that great, because she used to smoke lots of cigarettes.

Silly Lily.

Time now for a fanfare to introduce our next popular performer.

HE FARTS

Le Petomane.

- FRENCH ACCENT: - The DVD the early 20th century has been waiting for.

Joseph Pujol's explosive act

that's been selling out the Moulin Rouge Cabaret in Paris.

Just wait until you hear which instrument he's playing.

LOUD FARTING

CRIES OF DISGUST

It's Le Petomane's windy performance on the pump cannon,

live at the Moulin Rouge Cabaret club in Paris.

Every performance is a blast.

The show always goes down a storm, even with royalty in the audience.

Don't miss his famous farmyard impressions.

With a... FARTING AND BAAING

And a... FARTING AND BAAING

Here a...there a...

Everywhere a... FARTING AND BAAING

Old Macdonald had a farm E-I-E-I

LOUD FART Ohhh! #

His sell-out show is now touring the biggest theatres in Europe.

Merci, thank you and good night. PARP

Available now on DVD. The actor that everyone's gassing about.

One of our great Georgian inventors was George Stephenson.

He wanted to build a network of railways for his locomotive.

But first he had to persuade some powerful politicians,

including the Duke of Wellington.

Confound it, the man is late.

Nobody keeps the Duke of Wellington waiting, least of all this idiot.

Mr Stephenson, you're late.

- GEORDIE ACCENT: - I wouldn't if I'd been able to travel to London

by train, like.

I've never heard anything so ridiculous.

Yes, his northern accent is somewhat amusing.

I meant the idea of travelling by train.

Er, yes of course, quite ridiculous.

Well, locomotives are the future.

- Poppycock. - Wellington, we did say we would give Mr Stephenson a fair

hearing before deciding on the fate of his so-called railways.

- Indeed we did. - My railway system's totally going to change...

Permission denied, I've heard enough. Locomotives haring up

and down the countryside. You'll terrify the cows.

It will probably make their milk curdle.

If it doesn't just make them die

of shock. Right, Sir Robert?

- SLURRING: - Eh...? It's a disgrace, an absolute disgrace.

- Well put, sir. - Ach, away, man,

the locomotives are going to revolutionise transport.

People are going to be able to get up to speeds of 20 miles per hour!

Can a human even survive at such speeds?

Their eyes would get sucked from their skulls.

A man on horseback can go at twice that speed.

Then they'll be shaken silly by the vibrations.

No, my railway system's totally safe.

It'll give ordinary folk the freedom to go quickly round the country.

How will we keep the poor people

in their place? Eh? Eh?

It's a disgrace,

an absolute disgrace.

Well put, that man. And criminals will be able to escape from the law.

That's if they don't die going 20 miles an hour(!)

- Precisely. - Wellington does make a strong case, I'm afraid.

And there is nothing you can possibly say to convince us.

Your railways will never be built.

Do you have anything else to add before I Wellington boot you out?

My railway system's going to be phenomenally popular, right?

So if you invest in my company you'll make train loads of cash.

Your railway sounds like a marvellous idea!

- I've always been in favour. - Oh, yeah, yeah.

It's a disgrace, an absolute disgrace.

Ignore him! He doesn't know what he's saying. Go back to sleep.

HE MURMURS A LULLABY

There were lots of objections to Stephenson's railway proposals,

which meant the trains were delayed.

The trains were delayed! You mean like they always are?

Anyway, there were a number of transport pioneers who really

changed the way we get around.

With imagination.

Inspiration.

Innovation.

And perspiration.

ALL: We revolutionised transportation!

Stephenson's the name and my steam engine's the best you will find

It was the Rocket, it was called the Rocket

It pulled a train to carry passengers

And was the first of its kind

Caused a commotion doing the locomotion

Was best by miles and won top prize

At the Rainhill Trials

The Lords said it was dangerous then saw how many tickets could sell

The toffs were off it till they saw a profit

And so he paved the way for me I'm Isambard Kingdom Brunel

An engineer and famous pioneer

Railways off pat A massive hat

And to top that ...

I was a tunnel-building bridge-creating, hard-grafting

Ship-crafting polymath in search of a way

To take my train through my tunnel 'cross my bridge to my ship

And sail me fastest to the USA

My steam ship it made the trip in just 14 days

There across the ocean was clever old me, I'm quite a star

He's Henry Ford, yes, that's what he's called

My assembly line's the first to make it cheap to buy a motor car

From Henry Ford cars you can afford

I think you'll find made just one kind, but never mind

I was the fastest rating car creating

Introducing mass producing original Model T guy

BOTH: We took his engine, a bird wing some bike skills

Worked until we found out how machines could fly

Not just a hop, but nonstop Going to get high, high, high

I'm Orville, was the brains The brawn, my brother Wilbur Wright

We refined the plane that made the first sustained flight

- Our engine small - But powerful

ALL: Propelled to a great height!

They were supreme, our mean machines

The stuff of dreams

We were creative, inventive progress our incentive

Always searching for a solution

We took some steel and a wheel Made a plane, car and train

And created a revolution

Hard to believe what we achieved

Looking back we helped change tack

BOTH: Transport was duller We added colour. #

Well, as long as it's black.

Your Lordship, the siege has been long and hard.

For five months now your army has battered these walls

and starved the inhabitants.

We have never faced such a fearsome, valiant foe.

Let us offer them terms. You there, noble enemy.

Who is it?

Ahem! It is I, Earl Salisbury, your foe in this siege.

Oh, is there a siege on? I hadn't noticed.

All right, cut it out, Black Agnes, Countess of Moray.

There is no shame in surrender.

Open your gates and you and your people will leave without harm.

Thanks for the offer, but I dinnae think I'll bother.

I admire your spirit, Black Agnes,

but your husband has taken your soldiers off to war.

Look at the damage my catapults have done to your wall.

Aye, I've been meaning to speak to you about that.

It's making it awful dusty up here.

Morag, you've missed a bit.

The crazy woman's dusting the walls now.

I don't think you've quite got a handle on how badly you're losing.

We cut off your food supply five months ago. You must be starving!

Aye, you know I haven't eaten since elevenses.

Och, did I not mention our secret entrance?

We're been getting fresh food in here all the time.

There's plenty to go round if you'd like some.

I've had enough of this, send in the battering ram.

MEN ROAR

Thanks for the big stones.

This has gone on long enough. It ends now.

I have your brother. Oh, yes, sir.

Surrender your castle or I will kill him at dawn.

Could you do it now? I'd sorely love to inherit his money and lands.

Much appreciated.

Right, we're going home.

A full army besieging a virtually defenceless lady

and we can't take the castle in five months.

If anyone asks, we've been on a walking holiday in the Highlands.

Oh, and don't forget your packed lunch.

Hey, now. Rude.

Douglas and his men wore cow skins to get close to the castle

without being seen. And then overpowered the English garrison.

Between World War I and World War II, Germany suffered from

hyperinflation - which is when money loses its value very, very quickly.

Carry on.

Wilkommen back to Who Wants To Be A German Millionaire?.

Before the break we asked Heinrich here,

why is the German economy in so much trouble?

He answered C: Because Germany has to pay massive compensation costs

to the Allied forces who won the war.

The answer is...

C!

Congratulations, Heinrich.

- Danke. - You've won 64 million German Marks.

Unfortunately, due to the state of the German economy

that's probably only enough to buy you a wheelbarrow.

I will need to buy a wheelbarrow just to carry that much cash.

Well, we don't want to give you that. We want to give you this.

128 million German Marks.

That's enough cash to buy you a wheelbarrow.

But you just said I could get a wheelbarrow for 64 million Marks.

Unfortunately the German economy is in such a bad way,

that prices for everything are rising very, very quickly.

In fact I'm just hearing in my ears that from now on,

one German Mark will now be worth 1,000 German Marks,

so you're actually playing for 128 billion German Marks.

- And what can I buy for that? - Wheelbarrow!

- Thanks. - Next question.

By November 1st 1923, how much will a loaf of bread cost?

D: 3 billion Marks.

3 billion Marks for a loaf of bread?

- Yeah. - Are you sure?

- Yeah. - Final answer? - Yeah, get on with it.

Herr Heinrich, I can tell you the answer is...

..D: 3 billion Marks.

You have won yourself 128 billion, no, trillion Marks.

I miscounted the noughts.

How will you spend your winnings?

- I'm buying a wheelbarrow. - You can't afford one.

I hate this show, I should have gone on Deal Or Nein Deal.

Imagine that, the money in your pocket becoming worthless overnight.

An angry German public started to support Adolf Hitler's

Nazi Party, and the rest, as they say, is history.

When the American GIs joined World War II,

they certainly liked to flash their cash around.

This month in Gals' Magazine, we're going Yankee crazy.

- Yes the Americans have joined the war. - That's right, boy.

Now their gorgeous GIs are here and they're here to stay.

Well, for a bit anyway, until they get sent to the front line.

- In this week's issue, we compare an average British squaddie... - Hello!

- ..with the average American GI. - Howdy.

Check out that slicked-back hair, that deep tan and those great teeth.

GIs have to brush their teeth every day.

I don't brush every day, there's nothing wrong with my teeth.

And there's more - we look at all the latest trends

they're bringing from across the Atlantic.

You really can dance!

What's that funny thing you're doing with your mouth?

I'm chewing gum.

Chewing gum. Wow, he's so classy.

Plus, don't miss our handy guide to speaking American.

Look, Beryl, I can dance good too.

OK.

What's that supposed to mean?

It's kind of like your English, right-ho.

- That'll never catch on. - HE BURPS

Plus every GI comes with free gifts.

Nylons. Wow. No more stockings made out of gravy for me.

Get off!

Yes, you can no longer get nylons in the shops here,

but the Americans have bought loads.

- We got lots of chocolate too. - Oh, you just get better.

All that and more. Well, actually, not more, but all that.

Only in this month's Gals' Magazine.

And, better still, Gals' Magazine is absolutely free

- because a rich GI will buy one for you. - Oh! He's so dreamy.

When we Romans invaded Britain,

we got all the way to Scotland, where the Caledonians fought back.

Well, as the old saying goes, if you can't beat them,

build a massive wall to keep them out.

- Yes? - Oh, hello. - All right?

Er...hail, Emperor Trageon..?

It's Emperor Hadrian now, Trageon's dead.

- Murdered? - No, natural causes.

Oh, well, that's nice.

So, what can I do for you fellas then?

It's more a case of what we can do for you today, sir.

Emperor Hadrian would like to build a brand-new wall on your land

completely free of charge.

I could do with a new wall.

So it's going to be nice and big, this wall?

Three metres wide and six metres high.

Me sheep won't be jumping over that in a hurry, will they?

- HE LAUGHS - No, they won't.

You see Emperor Hadrian wants a nice new defensive wall stretching

right across the country from the Tyne to the Firth to mark

the northern edge of the Roman Empire, since you ask.

Plus it'll help to keep out those awful Caledonians.

- Oi! I heard that. - Oh!

- Get out of here. - Animals. We're calling it Hadrian's wall.

A working title.

So where exactly is it going to go, this wall?

Erm, right along here.

That's right through the middle of my land.

So it is.

Won't my house be in the way?

- Not for long, it won't. - Hey, hey, hey, hey! No. I protest.

I'm not moving.

As you like, mate.

- Eh? - It saves us a stake, I suppose.

I don't believe this.

Did you know, Hadrian had his famous wall painted white

so it would glisten majestically in the bright sunlight?

He obviously didn't get up north much.

The Roman General who first invaded Britain was Julius Caesar,

and his is an interesting story.

Ave, Gaius Julius Caesar, Dictator of Rome, Consort of Cleopatra,

and conqueror of Gaul.

In this room you're just a guy with a big nose and a plant on his head.

OK, I would like to pitch the story of my rise

to power, from the young adventurer who was kidnapped by pirates,

to the General who invaded Britain,

crushed the Gauls, crossed the Rubicon river, took control of Rome

and forged it into the greatest empire the world had ever seen.

OK, we're interested.

In the pirates.

- Well, pirates are very big right now. - Johnny Depp.

Ahoy, Captain Caesar, you got yourself a hit.

- Who can play the talking parrot? - Sorry, what parrot?

- All pirates have a parrot. - It's in the contract.

Sorry, look, me being kidnapped by pirates was just a small

part of the story, before I became the greatest General

and statesman of the Roman age.

Yeah, you see what I just heard was "Pirates, blah, blah, blah, blah."

Blah, blah, blah, blah.

- I conquered Spain. - Blah.

- France. - Blah.

- Egypt. - Blah.

So are we making a pirate movie or are you going to walk

the plank to the Roman province of Loserville?

I was captured by pirates near Turkey.

They wanted money for my return.

Pirates of the Mediterranean: Caesar's Gold.

I was actually quite furious. Er, not because I'd been kidnapped,

but because they asked for too little ransom.

- I told them to ask for more money. - It's a comedy.

It was actually quite funny, you know.

Because despite being their prisoner,

I actually ordered them around all the time.

I shouted and told them to stop being noisy when I was trying to sleep.

That was hilar... Actually, in the end we became quite good friends.

Even better, it's a buddy, buddy movie with heart.

Friends, Romans, countrymen lend me your Oscars - we got a hit!

So anyway, in the end they paid the ransom,

I returned home and then I hired a fleet of ships.

So you wouldn't miss hanging out with your friends, the pirates,

and that's our happy ending.

No, no, no, no. So I could hunt them down and torture them to death.

Which I did. I killed them all.

Pretty brilliant twist, right?

Yeah, the whole torturing to death thing,

- plays quite badly with families. - You may need an alternate ending.

- The talking parrot saves everyone and sings a song. - Works for me.

Big Nose, you came, you saw, you got yourself a movie deal.

Ahhh!

Don't rest on your laurels.

- Eh? Oh! - That guy can rock a skirt.

Can't get enough of Horrible Histories?

Then go to the CBBC website and click on the link.

See you there.

The past is no longer a mystery

Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories! #

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