Original subtitles

Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians, Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians

Woeful Wars, Ferocious Fights, Dingy Castles, Daring Knights

Horrors that defy description, Cut-throat Celts, Awful Egyptians

Vicious Vikings, Cruel Crime, Punishments from ancient times

Roman, Rotten, Rank and Ruthless, Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

Groovy Greeks, Brainy sages, Mean and Measly Middle Ages

Gory Stories we do that

And your host a talking rat

The past is no longer a mystery

Welcome to

Horrible Histories. #

Rotten Romans.

During the reign of Emperor Augustus,

we Romans formed an alliance with some Germanic barbarians.

But trusting them was another matter, as this General found out.

General, I've been thinking.

I did specifically ask you not to do that, Eggius.

I know, sir, sorry, sir. Only I couldn't help thinking,

is it really wise to march in single file

along a narrow path through dense forest?

Your point being?

Well, might we not be ambushed by barbarians?

Why on earth would you think that, Eggius?

Two things, really.

One, this is the perfect place

for barbarians to ambush a Roman Legion

and two, a spy has warned us

that barbarians are going to ambush a Roman Legion, specifically us.

Poppycock, Eggius.

The secret to great leadership is being able to tell the difference

between what's true and what's poppycock, and that is poppycock.

The barbarians in this region are our allies.

That said, might it not be a good idea

to send a reconnaissance party out in front?

Yeah, good idea, you go ahead,

at least then I won't be able to listen to all your bellyaching.

Take a couple of the men with you.

- Er, Sir. - What is it now, Eggius? - Hm.

Right, I see. Erm, just keep walking, Eggius.

Maybe they haven't seen us.

- A bit faster? - Yeah, a bit faster would be good.

- Oh. - Oh. - oh.

Three Roman Legions were annihilated in the ambush. 15,000 soldiers!

That's more Romans than I've got lice.

When Emperor Augustus heard of the disaster,

he repeatedly hit his head against the walls of his palace

saying, "Give me back my legions."

Old Augustus wasn't used to failure.

I really shouldn't have done that!

In a time of conflict...

Sire, we have Mark Antony and Cleopatra cornered at Actium.

Could end this Civil War with one blow.

..only one man could defeat Mark Antony, a powerful Roman General

and Cleopatra, the Queen of Egypt.

I am Emperor Gaius

Julius Caesar

Octavianus Divi Filius Augustus.

Augustus, I'm Emperor Augustus.

And I shall have a victory at Actium that will echo through history.

The story of:

- What's your name? - Agrippa. - Bless you.

I'd like you to take care of the details for me.

Sorry, when you say details?

You know, the battle, the fighting,

I'd like you to go and win the battle for me.

It's likely to be sunny and I don't want to get sunburnt, so...

Right, so I go and...

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Fine.

Augustus, he rebuilt a city and founded an empire.

Sire, through your leadership we have destroyed the enemy.

Yeah.

Well, it wasn't really his leadership. I mean I,

you know what, fine, carry on.

Yes.

I shall build Rome anew,

creating the greatest city the world has ever seen.

Yes.

Can you sort the details, erm, thingy?

- Agrippa. - Bless you.

You know, the buildings, the roads, the sewers, the baths,

that sort of thing.

I don't want to go outside,

I'm worried I might be hit by lightning.

Right, so I go and...

Oh, and can you pay for the food

- and bathing for the people out of your own pocket? - Yeah.

Emperor, you are too generous.

Really, he...?

Augustus, his achievements would be remembered through all eternity.

That's nice, new?

- Yes. Erm, Arthur? - Agrippa. - Bless you.

I'm having it copied and placed in every major city in the Empire.

I call it the Res Gestal, it's a list of my achievements.

How I won battles, built Rome and created an Empire.

You didn't do that, I did that.

Not what it says here.

Augustus, the story of the greatest leader ancient Rome ever had

and his friend, erm, Ah Tissue.

Now, read me a bedtime story, you know I can't sleep without one.

Once upon a time, there was a famous king

who made his best friend do all the actual work

- and his name was Agrippa. - Bless you. - Oh!

Augustus, the movie.

"I found Rome a city of brick and left it a city of marble."

Well, with a bit of help from what's-his-name.

I wonder what's wrong with Adrian?

Terrible Tudors.

You may have heard of the Princes in the Tower.

When Edward IV died, his brother, Richard III took the crown

and had Edward's two young sons locked up in the Tower of London

and possibly killed.

But then, Henry Tudor beat Richard III in battle

and became Henry VII.

And remember those Princes in the Tower?

One of them, Richard Duke of York,

mysteriously reappeared to claim his crown.

This is Father Richard Simons,

an Oxford trained priest and scholar who has asked for our help

to confirm his royal ancestry in...

No, no not me, the boy, the boy.

Oh, oh right. This is a erm...

- 13-year-old. - Really? Looks a lot younger - No, 13.

OK, so this is a 13-year-old boy who this priest has asked us

to confirm that he, the boy, has royal ancestry, is that right?

Yes, that's right, that's right.

So, join us as we trace back his family tree and ask the question,

13-year-old boy, who on earth are you?

To help search the boy's ancestry for any royal link,

we've enlisted the help of leading family historian,

Sir Francis Guesswork.

So then, first things first, what's your name?

- La... - Richard Duke of York. He's Richard Duke of York, aren't you?

- Erm. - See.

Well then, this is quite a discovery.

You were believed to have been murdered

in the Tower of London as a child,

one of the infamous Princes in the Tower.

And you most certainly have a royal bloodline,

in fact as the son of Edward IV, you'd...

Be the rightful King with all the fame,

money, power and influence that goes with it,

which you would no doubt share with me,

being your loyal friend and tutor.

Do you know that thought hadn't even crossed our minds, had it, Lambert?

I mean, Prince Richard.

Right then, let's go and claim that crown of his.

I mean, yours.

- Oh, no, you, you just can't go and claim the crown. - Why not?

You need proof.

There's documentation, testimonies, supporters.

All right, all right.

You know, it's fascinating really

because one of the other claimants to the throne recently went missing.

Oh! Er, who was that?

Edward Plantagenet, Earl of Warwick,

he hasn't been seen since Henry VII had him locked up in the Tower.

How old would he be?

12.

- That's him. - What?

Sh!

But you said he was 13?

And you said he looks younger. He is, he's 12.

Er, he escaped from the Tower and I found him.

But I thought he was the Duke of York?

You must have made a spelling mistake.

this is definitely the Earl of Warwick.

Let's go and claim that crown.

I'll rally some supporters and we'll see you at the palace.

Yeah, I don't think that's such a good i...

Oh!

In an attempt to verify Father Simons' claim,

Francis has brought in royalty expert, King Henry VII.

Sorry we're late, had to gather some supporters

and then we stopped for lunch and, anyway, this is the Earl of Kildare.

Head of the Irish Government and may I say, your Majesty,

that we are so convinced that this little fellow

is the rightful King of England that we've just gone ahead

and crowned him King Edward VI, so we have.

So there.

Well, your Majesty,

he clearly has the Irish on side,

which does make a pretty convincing case

for this being the real Edward, Earl of Warwick.

Yes, yeah, I can totally see

why you think this is the real Edward, Earl of Warwick,

but I'll tell you why I'm not completely convinced.

And why is that?

Because this

is the real Edward Earl of Warwick.

He didn't die and he certainly didn't escape.

I've had him locked up in the Tower the whole time.

So what do you say to that, Father Simons?

Ah, is there anyone else in line for the throne

aged between, sort of, nine and 14?

Guards! Take this fraud away.

Bye.

So then, lad, what's your real name?

Lambert Simnel, Sir.

Well, young Lambert, you're for the chop.

Oh!

And the rib and the fillet and the shank.

I'm going to give you a job cooking meat in the royal kitchens.

Oh, thank you, Sir.

I don't suppose you need someone to do veg?

Shut up, you.

Henry VII fought off all of the claims to his throne.

If he hadn't, Henry VIII would never have been king.

And this weird contraption would never have been invented.

Hello, I'm Henry VIII.

I'm not getting any younger, or smaller.

Can't work out why.

I'm even having difficulty getting up the stairs.

Luckily I've discovered this.

The all new Tudor King Lift.

The ultimate mobility aid for tubby monarchs.

Here's how it works.

Using a series of pulleys, known as the block and tackle system,

my new Tudor King Lift

makes getting up the massive staircase at Whitehall Palace

as easy as beheading a loved one.

There, that's so much easier.

No effort required at all.

SNAP

Ergh.

Right, can somebody design a King picker-upper?

Quickly.

Oh, no, oh, I'm too fat. Oh!

Woeful Second World War.

Hello and welcome to the News at When, when?

About 75 years ago, when Germany,

a country still reeling from the effects of the First World War,

finds itself with a leader who's about to start another one.

Here with more details on this rather unwelcome sequel

is Bob Hail, with the World War Two report. Bob.

Thank you, Sam.

Well, the year is 1938, that behind me is the world

and hold onto your helmets because it's about to go to war.

Again!

Yes, it's 20 years since Germany lost the First World War

and had a load of land taken off them.

And their leader, Adolf Hitler. Yeah, that one.

Has decided he wants it back, so he just takes it.

I know, he's like that.

Which does not go down well with Britain and France,

who send their Prime Ministers to have a little word with him.

So, Hitler promises that he won't take over anymore territories,

peace is guaranteed and everyone lives happily ever after

in candy floss houses with gingerbread roofs.

But not for long, now it turns out that Hitler has a memory

much like his moustache, very short.

He forgets about this Peace Treaty

and promptly invades Czechoslovakia, allies with Italy

and turns his eye towards Poland followed by his tanks and his guns.

But, just the week before, Britain signed an agreement with Poland,

promising to fight anyone who tries to invade them.

Which can mean only one thing.

Group hug.

Oh, no, my mistake, all out war!

Yes, in September 1939,

Britain and France along with Australia, New Zealand and Canada,

declare war on Germany and Italy - and the Second World War has begun.

An event, which if we look at a dramaometer,

is precisely this exciting.

Yes, for nine long months, nothing really happens as the Allies

place all their troops behind this wall, the Maginot Line,

and wait for Hitler to come and get them, which he never does.

Instead, he spends his time invading Norway, Denmark

and the Netherlands before sneaking past the Maginot Line

- through Belgium and invading France by the back door. - Boo!

Wow, there's a lot of you in today.

So, now, with France under Nazi rule.

Britain is on the front line,

which means there's suddenly more drama that our thingy can handle.

As World War Two takes to the skies.

Yes, no sooner had the RAF prevented a German invasion

in the Battle of Britain,

than Hitler starts dropping bombs on British cities.

And a huge blitz known unimaginatively as The Blitz.

And while Britain stays strong, Germany grows even stronger

as Japan, Hungary and Romania all join Hitler's side,

which then takes over Yugoslavia, Greece and North Africa.

Yes, Adolf's got invasion fever and despite promising

that he'd never invade Russia, he then invades Russia.

Honestly, it's like you can't trust him or something.

And it seems that this invasion fever is catching

as Japan is now bitten by the bug.

Yes, after attacking the US Navy at Pearl Harbour,

a Hawaiian island and terrible movie, the Japanese take over

Thailand, Burma, the Philippines, Borneo, Hong Kong and Singapore.

They even have a crack at Australia.

In fact, if we look at the countryometer,

or map as some people like to call it,

it's quite clear that Hitler's going to win

there's absolutely nothing we can do about it. Right?

Wrong, you see the Russians have already started

fighting back the Germans on a new Eastern front.

And America, angered by Pearl Harbour, the attack,

not the movie, have joined the Allies, too.

Yes, now the Nazi's are facing more troops from more directions

than ever before and the tide begins to turn.

The Americans beat back the Japanese over the Pacific,

while British forces push the Nazis out of North Africa.

The Russians push back from the east

and the Allies push up from the south.

Whilst over in the Far East, the Allies win back Burma.

In fact with one big push,

those Nazis could be forced into a retreat.

And do you know what?

Here comes one big push, yes it's D-Day where everyone

with a name beginning with D gets to invade France and the, what?

Oh, right, sorry, my mistake.

It's where 160,000 Allied troops with various names

invade the French coast of Normandy

to start forcing the Nazis back across Europe.

Yes, now Hitler is facing a war on three fronts,

or one bottom and two sides,

depending on how you like to look at it.

And when his Italian counterpart, Mussolini, is overthrown and killed,

the writing's on the wall for Hitler.

Writing that says, "You're finished, mate. " But in German.

So, on May 8, 1945 Germany surrenders

and the war is finally over.

Except, not really because back over in the East,

Japan and the USA are still battling it out, until the Japanese are

forced to surrender, by two bombs so big they wipe out entire cities.

So, after six years and 60 million deaths,

World War II finally finds a fittingly foul finale.

Yes, war is over and ladies and gentlemen,

all I am saying is give peace a chance because when you...

Ouch! You pricked me.

Well, say you're sorry!

Oh, silent treatment, is it?!

Well, you know what this means, war!

Not so big now, eh?! Come back!

Gorgeous Georgians.

There was some most unusual people around in Georgian times

and none more so than a certain Reverend Harvest.

And thus we finish our reading from Corinthians.

I must say, I'm very disappointed with the turnout this morning.

Well, it could be that last week you chased everybody out of here

with a shotgun and accused them of being squatters.

Well if they weren't squatters, Roger,

what were they doing in the church at that time?

Well, they come to the church at the same time every week

because that's when the service is.

Oh, well that's where I got confused. It's lack of sleep.

Last night, someone was shaking me all night.

That was me.

You were sleeping in my bed, you were in the wrong house.

Ah, well one is entitled

to make one or two small mistakes.

But when it comes to the big stuff, Roger, I am always on the ball.

Reverend Harvest, you're meant to be at a wedding this morning.

Oh, really, whose?

Yours, you idiot. We are supposed to be getting married.

Oh, I'm sorry, that's the second time I've missed my own wedding.

Have you organised the honeymoon?

I'll need horses for the buggy.

My father, the Bishop, lent you some horses yesterday.

I've lost them I'm afraid.

Could you lend me a horse, please?

Not after hearing that, no.

It looks like we're walking. Shall we go to France?

I know my way around France, well, I don't really,

but what I do know is, is that if you lose your hotel

you can find it by putting a silver coin in your mouth and roaring.

I've done it before.

What about the wedding?

Is someone getting married?

I'd rather not.

Reverend Harvest was a total eccentric.

He once showed a posh lady the stars in the sky

and half way through talking, had a wee.

Hm, well, what's wrong with that, huh?

It's only a little one. Huh. A wee-wee.

There were some right characters around in Georgian times, oh, yes.

All right, I'll clear it up.

Hah.

Hi, I'm Penny Bell and you're watching Georgian Showbiz News.

We've got all the latest news on all the latest stars.

Coming up later, we've got Samuel Bishop. Awesome!

Yes, the Georgian entertainer

who taught his dog to dance with a monkey

is back with his new act,

a Tortoise who can fetch like a dog. Cute.

Fetch, fetch.

Get the ball.

And we've got an exclusive report on the death of circus exhibit,

Daniel Lambert.

Sad Face.

The 52-stone man mountain passed away last week

and there were tears at his funeral.

Oh, no, I'm not a relative.

No, I didn't even know the man.

I just put me back out carrying his coffin.

But first, you won't believe it.

I got to meet Daniel Wildman, that's right,

the Daniel Wildman, London beekeeper and showman extraordinaire.

Check me out.

Daniel's act involves riding a horse whilst wearing a mask of bees

and he's certainly got the whole of Georgian Britain buzzing.

Daniel, hi.

I was going to give you a showbiz kiss,

but I think I'd better keep my distance.

Don't worry, my bees won't sting you.

I've got them well trained. Watch this.

- How do you do it? - I tied a thread around the Queen Bee.

Haul her around and the others just follow. Simple.

Are you sure they won't sting? They sound kind of angry?

Relax. If they do get out of control...

- Are you going to shoot them? - No, no, no, one shot from this

and I can send them all back to their hive.

GUNSHOT

Ta-dah!

Now, Daniel, you've got a new book out,

A Complete Guide For The Management Of Bees Throughout The Year.

What's it about?

BUZZING

Ow! I thought you said your bees wouldn't sting me?

That's not one of my bees.

Hm, this is Penny Bell with bee man, Daniel Wildman

and I've just been stung.

Oh, and that's five shillings for the book.

Twice!

In ancient Egypt, we really liked to look good.

I mean, check me out.

But for everyone else, it wasn't always so easy.

Hello.

I wonder, have you got anything to help with this?

With what, there's nothing there.

- That's really funny. - I know.

Do you have a cure for baldness?

Er, yes, sir, certainly, I can mix you up a cure.

Let me just check and see if I've got the right ingredients.

- Great. - Let's have a look.

So, I need the fat of a hippo.

Check.

The fat of a Tom cat.

Check.

And the fat... Oh, dear, I seem to be missing some ingredients.

- What's up? - I need the fat of a snake.

I've got one living in my grain store.

- Shall I go and see if it's there? - Yeah, great, OK, thank you.

- See you in a sec. - Yeah.

- Argh! - Eurgh!

I found him.

- Argh! - Thank you.

Right, all I need now is the fat of a Nubian ibex.

As in an ibex that lives on the lands of our mortal enemies,

- the Nubians? - Yes, indeed.

- Great, well, I'll just go and... - It's your head, mate. - Cheers.

- Aahh! - Oh, careful, you almost spilt my snake fat.

You'd have had to go and get some more.

All I need now is some crocodile fat.

Do you think we could not do this one at a time,

just give me the whole list now.

- That's it, all we need is crocodile fat and we're done. - Sure?

Absolutely.

Ahh!

Crocodile. All done.

Yep. We've er... Oh, no, I forgot to read the other side of the list.

We need lion fat.

Do you sell wigs?

The answer is, B.

Medicines were made from all sorts of poo in ancient Egypt,

from fly droppings to ostrich poo.

And number two's were used in beauty treatments, as well.

Urgh!

This season treat yourself

to the all-in-one ancient Egyptian beauty set,

eyeliner, face make-up and moisturiser in one easy-to-use pack.

It's got to be Only For Men.

What? Men?

That's right, it's got everything an Egyptian man needs to look his best.

Stunning black lead eyeliner.

Luscious clay make-up for cheeks and lips, and there's more.

Buy the Only For Men beauty kit today

and get this Only For Men leg hair removal cream absolutely free.

Only For Men.

Yes, with our new improved formula of oil, bird bones,

cucumber and gum, now with added fly dung.

You can make embarrassing leg hair a thing of the past.

Simply heat the cream, apply to the affected area

and wait for it to set.

Then pull it off bringing all the unwanted hair with it.

Argh!

Just look at the difference.

Before, no pain.

After, lots of pain.

Only For Men.

Look like a man with the Only For Men ancient Egyptian

beauty set, Only For Men.

Only For Men.

Now that's what I call macho.

Does my bottom look big in this?

Only For Men.

Measly Middle Ages.

I'm here in Middle Ages England on my way to meet a man

who's planning to build a massive extension.

And all this while he's working full time as King of England.

His name is Edward I.

- Hello. - Just how big is this extension of yours going to be?

Around 8,000 square miles, give or take.

It really is massive, and what would you call that, a conservatory,

- a garden room? - Well, I call it Wales.

Edward's plan is to extend his current home of England

out to the west, to incorporate

all of the neighbouring country of Wales, where the Welsh live.

He plans to underpin this new extension

with an ambitious building programme that includes several

of the largest castles ever built,

including Beaumaris, Harlech, Caernarvon and Conway.

And how is the project going down with the neighbours?

Good, I think, yeah. Good.

Excuse me, I don't mean to be any bother, but you seem to be building

a giant castle in the back of my garden, and I was just wondering...

- Take that, you Welsh scum. - Argh!

You wouldn't say there were any tensions?

Oh, you're talking about the budget.

Because I'm proud to say that despite this being

one of the most extensive castle building projects in history,

we're well within budget. Mainly because there isn't one.

I'm so rich I've told my architect, Master James of St George,

that I don't care what it costs.

And, of course, we're stealing only the best

locally sourced materials for the stonework.

I can't help noticing your relationship with the locals

- could be better? - Oh, really, how?

Argh!

You could stop killing them for a start.

Well, that's what all the castles are for, you see.

Once they've been built, we won't have any of this unpleasantness.

There'll be an army there to keep them quiet.

For me, it's all about sustainability.

The castles can sustain an English army in Wales.

Argh!

You see, they're getting it already. I like him.

Do you think you can to bring this project in on time, Edward?

Yes, I hope to be finished within two years.

And then you can put your feet up and enjoy your new extension?

No, then I start extending out the back.

Out the back?

Out the back, here.

You don't mean Scotland?

You say, "potay-to", I say, "potah-to".

You say, "Scotland", I say,

"excellent potential for an extension to my English Kingdom".

Edward's project may be controversial,

but you've got to admire its scale and ambition.

Although his plans to build a new extension in Scotland

have come to a halt due to a dispute with neighbour, William Wallace.

You may take our lives, but you will never get planning permission

- to build all those castles in Scotland. - Really?

No. It's just not going to happen. Completely different...

Yes, Edward I fought the Scottish and the Welsh very aggressively.

William Wallace defended the Scots, but it would be over 100 years

before a Welshman would rise up against the English.

MUSIC: Delilah by Tom Jones

I'm a Welsh noble, I mobilised Wales 'gainst the English

He is Owen Glendower

Fought King Henry IV because Wales abhorred English rule

It's not unusual

But my uprising

It went a bit wrong

And this song tells the surprising tale

Oohhhh

Owain Glyndwr

Welsh hero of the hour

It all began

Cos my neighbour A vindictive man

Baron Grey de Ruthyn

Was spreading untrue things about me

Said I was a rebel

Who planned to repel England's king

From the green grass of home

Not really true

But then more than a few were convinced

We were ready to fight

So I decided

To take up the mantle

Was given the handle of Prince

Of Wales. #

MUSIC: Kiss by Prince

You don't have to be Welsh

To feel Welsh pride

Even King's man Henry Hotspur ended up on my side

We claimed Welsh ground

Then in Hereford rain meant

The King nearly drowned

Washed away in his tent

So partly thanks to Welsh weather I was crowned

Think I'm gonna dance now

MUSIC: Delilah by Tom Jones

I had great plans for new government, new law and churches

So, what's new pussycat?

But Henry IV had dried off and revenge was his game

Thought that he'd help himself

We were defeated

He blocked supplies to Wales

Our crops failed and starvation came

Oooh

Owain Glyndwr

My family sent to the Tower

As Welsh towns fell

And we all know that never ends well

So I disappeared, but my name is revered throughout Wales

Who-oh

Owain Glyndwr

Father of the fight for Welsh power

Welsh legend holds

That should Wales ever need someone bold

I'll rise up to help them

Mind you, I'm 600 years old

Whoh-oh-oh-oh-oh! #

Tall tales, atrocious acts

We gave you all the fearsome facts... #

Can't get enough of Horrible Histories,

then go to the CBBC Website and click on the link.

See you there.

..The past is no longer a mystery

Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #

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